Difference between revisions of "User:Asbestosstar"

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Into your perfect face
 
Into your perfect face
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== Headline text ==
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ACE VENTURA
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PET DETECTIVE
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Written by
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Jack Bernstein
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Tom Shadyac
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Jim Carrey
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EXT. STREET - DAY
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A UPS Man with a big pot belly is walking down the street, whistling and carelessly tossing a package in the air. We hear the sound of broken glass in the box. He passes a professional woman.
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UPS MAN
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Good morning, UPS!
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He tosses the box behind his back like a basketball, then acknowledges another passerby.
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UPS MAN
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UPS, good to see you!
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He takes a couple of steps, then flings the package incredibly high into the air, spins completely around and expertly drops to one knee and catches the box. A Hispanic man passes.
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UPS MAN
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Buenos dias. Uo Pay eSsay.
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EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
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The UPS Man dodges a couple of black kids as though playing basketball. He runs up the front steps of the building. He reaches out to open the front door and inadvertently flings the package behind him and back down the steps.
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He goes back, retrieves the package, then enters the building.
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INT. LOBBY - DAY
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Several people stand in the elevator. The UPS Man just makes it, but the door closes on the package... REPEATEDLY. He feigns embarrassment.
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INT. 3RD FLOOR - DAY
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ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. The UPS Man throws the package out onto the floor and starts kicking it down the hall like a soccer player. With one last big kick the parcel lands in front of APARTMENT 3B. He picks it up and knocks on the door.
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We hear a small dog barking.
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GRUFF MAN (O.S.)
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Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt!
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An angry, burly man pokes his nose hairs out the chained door.
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GRUFF MAN
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What do you want?
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UPS MAN
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UPS, sir. And how are you this afternoon? Alrighty then!
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The man grumpily unchains the door. He's a big guy - 6'5", 250, and 50 of that is chest hair. A small Shiatsu stands beside him.
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UPS MAN
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I have a package for you.
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The UPS guy thrusts the package toward the man. We can clearly hear broken glass inside. The man takes the package.
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GRUFF MAN
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It sounds broken.
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UPS MAN
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Most likely sir! I bet it was something nice though! Now... I haver an insurance form. If you'll just sign here, here, and here, and initial here, and print your name here, we'll get the rest of the forms out to you as soon as we can.
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The man begrudgingly begins to fill out the form. The dog wags his tail and whines. We can see that he likes the UPS guy.
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UPS MAN
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That's a lovely dog you have. Do you mind if I pet him, sir?
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GRUFF MAN
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(mumbles)
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I don't give a rat's ass.
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The UPS Man bends down and talks to the dog in a really sucky pet talk.
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UPS MAN
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Oo ja boo ba da boo boo do booo!
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GRUFF MAN
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(under breath)
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Brother.
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Before the Gruff Man can finish, the UPS Man stands back up and takes the form again.
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UPS MAN
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That's fine sir. I can fill out the rest. You just have yourself a good day. Take care, now! 'Bye 'bye, then!
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THRASH MUSIC STARTS
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INT. HALLWAY -- CONT'D
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The UPS Man moves swiftly down the hall and into the stair well.
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INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D
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The Gruff Man shakes the box, tosses it down and sits in front of the TV.
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EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - CONT'D
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The UPS Man bursts from the front door and hustles down the street very quickly. He passes several people.
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UPS MAN
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(quickly)
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UPS, S'cuse me. UPS, comin' through.
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INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D
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We see the back of the Shiatsu staring at the crack in the front door. He has not moved an inch. The Gruff Man looks over.
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GRUFF MAN
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Hey, stupid! Get away from the door!
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The dog doesn't budge and this really pisses him off. He gets up and heads for the dog.
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GRUFF MAN
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What's the matter with you, I said GIT!!!
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He roughly picks the dog up by the scruff of the neck, but as he turns it around we see that it is a stuffed dog. Around it's neck is a business card that reads, "You have been had by Ace Ventura - Pet Detective." He breathes fire.
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GRUFF MAN
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Son of a bitch!
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He smashes the dog to the ground.
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EXT. ALLEY - CONT'D
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As the UPS Man/Ace rounds the corner, his shirt opens up at his pot belly and the Shiatsu's head sticks out. Ace is gloating.
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ACE
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(announcer's voice)
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That was a close one, ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately, in every contest, there must be... A LOOSER!
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He jumps into an old beat-up Chevy Bel Air, and lets the dog out onto the passenger seat.
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ACE (CONT'D)
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LOOOHOOOSERRRHERRR!
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He then pulls open the car's ashtray, and to the dog's delight, it's filled with puppy chow.
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He tries to start the engine but it won't turn over. The dog shoots him a look.
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ACE
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(to dog)
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No problem, it gets flooded. We'll just wait a few seconds.
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Ace sits back. SMASH!!!
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From Ace's POV we see a Baseball bat shatter the front windshield.
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ACE
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Or, we could try it now.
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Ace frantically tries to start the car. His new friend continues around the car beating the living shit out of it.
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ACE
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Oooh, boy.
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ACE'S POV
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We see the creep wailing on the car in Ace's side view mirror.
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ACE
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Warning! Assholes are closer than they appear!
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The dog is barking insanely.
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ACE
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(to dog)
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You think you can do better?!
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The baseball bat is now pummeling the trunk.
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ACE
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Wanna give me a push while you're back there?
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BOOM! The back window shatters. Then the car's engine roars to life. Ace rejoices.
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ACE
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FARFEGNUGENNNNN!!!
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Ace leaves the bad guy in a cloud of dust and gravel, screaming bloody murder.
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EXT. MIAMI CITY STREETS - DAY
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Ace and his new pal speed away freely.
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Close on the happy dog, hanging his head out the car window. PAN across the broken windshield to Ace, also hanging his head out the window to see where he's going.
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The car drives by a sign on a telephone pole: "Reward" -- with a picture of the Shiatsu in Ace's seat.
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THRASH MUSIC ENDS
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INT. HOUSE - DAY
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A very sexy woman is hugging and kissing the Shiatsu.
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WOMAN
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My little baby. You missed mommy didn't you? Did daddy hurt you? I won't let him, no I won't. He may have kept the big screen TV, but he's not gonna keep my baby. No he isn't.
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(very sexy to Ace)
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Thank you, Mr. Ventura. How can I ever repay you?
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She slinks over to Ace and puts her arms around his neck.
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ACE
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Well, the reward would be good, and there was some damage to my –
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She cuts Ace off with a devastating kiss.
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WOMAN
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Would you like me to take you pants off instead?
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ACE
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Ummmm… Sure.
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She pulls him toward the bedroom.
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WOMAN
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It takes a big man to stand up to my husband. He's already put two of my lovers in the hospital.
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ACE
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How did he find out? Does he have you followed.
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WOMAN
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No… I tell him
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She plants a kiss on Ace's neck and pulls him down out of frame onto the bed.
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EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - DAY
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The stands are empty, but there's plenty happening on the field. The Miami Dolphins are practicing. Dan Marino is in top form, hitting pass after pass.
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Behind one of the goal posts, the team's mascot, a rare dolphin (SNOWFLAKE), wearing #4, is practicing his routine. The Trainer is dressed like a quarterback.
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TRAINER Blue! 42! Blue! 42! Hut! Hut!
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Snowflake swims over, snatches a small football out of the Trainer's hand, and does an end zone dance on his tail. He then returns the ball to the trainer.
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The Trainer now sets the ball on the dolphin's tail and snowflake "kicks" a perfect field goal. The Trainer blows a whistle and raises both arms.
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DISSOLVE TO:
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EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - NIGHT
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The stadium is now completely empty. Snowflake peacefully swims around his tank.
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Suddenly, the water is illuminated by the headlights of an n.d. panel truck.
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The rear door slides open. Two men jump out in wet suits.
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They slip into the water while a third waits outside the tank.
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Snowflake surfaces to check out the action. One of the men holds out a fish. Snowflake eagerly takes it, then shudders as a large syringe is stuck into his back. Snowflake thrashes around.
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Quick cut of a hand with the blur of a ring slamming against the tank. But the needle has done its job. Snowflake quickly goes limp.
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Snowflake is loaded into the back of the truck. Move in on Snowflake's face. His excited cackle has turned into a painful whimper.
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The truck skids away passing the guard gate. The guard is hog tied and gagged, struggling to free himself.
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INT. ADELLE'S FRIENDLY PET SHOP - NEXT DAY
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Close up on a dead goldfish laying on a newspaper. We pull back to reveal ADELLE ROSENBERG, the seventy year old owner of a cluttered pet shop. She's handing a live goldfish in a bag to JENNIFER, a very sweet nine year old.
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ADELLE
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Here you go, honey. Now remember… this kind of fish doesn't like it in the freezer.
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JENNY
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But what's gonna happen to Dolly?
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ADELLE
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Don't worry, I'll make sure she gets a proper burial.
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Jennifer exits. Adelle calls to her cat, and tosses it the goldfish. The cat catches it in mid-air.
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ADELLE
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Rest in peace.
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Ace enters the pet shop. It looks like he slept in his clothes.
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ADELLE
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Well… here comes another dead fish.
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ACE
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Hi, beautiful. What time do you get off?
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ADELLE
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Uh oh.
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ACE
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(suggestively)
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I've heard some pretty great things about your kibble.
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ADELLE
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Well, I hope I'm not getting a reputation.
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ACE
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(switching to mock anger)
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Just get me the food!
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She chuckles at Ace as she loads a couple of bags with different kinds of pet food.
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ADELLE
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So… ahh, when can I expect you to pay your tab?
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ACE
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I'm a little bit Sli Pickins, right now, I'm a little Tight Squeeze Louise, a little Welfare Wolly, Potless Pissing Pete, I'm ah –
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ADELLE
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If you were a horse I'd shoot ya'. Just take it.
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ACE
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Gravy! I'm good for it, Adelle. I'm on a very big case right now.
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Ace reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a flyer with a picture of a white pigeon.
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ACE
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See this pigeon? It's a true albino. Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a ten thousand dollar reward.
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ADELLE
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Wow, albino pigeons are very rare. How are you going to find him?
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ACE
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Just keep my eyes open, and hope to god it doesn't snow.
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Ace grabs his bags and heads for the door.
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ADELLE
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You're a good boy, Ace. A good boy.
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He holds the door open for an elderly gentleman who is entering at the same time. The gentleman is walking a toy poodle on a leash. The poodle is dragging its butt along the entire length of the floor. Ace and Adelle just stare.
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ELDERLY MAN
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(in a loud voice)
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Do you have anything for ringworm?
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EXT. SURFSIDE APARTMENT COMPLEX - DAY
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Ace enters the courtyard of a two story U-shaped apartment complex carrying his groceries. It's a crappy joint but he calls it home. Inside an open apartment on the ground floor, the landlord, MR. SHICKADANCE, sits watching TV, stuffing his face with cheese doodles. Ace sneaks past the door and up the stairs.
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EXT. SECOND FLOOR - DAY
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Ace is just putting the key in the door when the landlord steps up behind him. Ace is startled by the dreaded 'Shickadance Rasp' (not unlike Linda Blair in THE EXORCIST).
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LANDLORD
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Venturaaaaa?
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Ace straightens up, but doesn't turn around.
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ACE
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Yes, Satan?
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Now Ace turns around in mock surprise.
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ACE
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Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.
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LANDLORD
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Never mind the wise cracks Venturaaa. You owe me rent!
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ACE
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Mr. Shickadance… I told you, you're my first priority! As soon as I find the white pigeon, you're paid!!
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LANDLORD
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I heard animals in there Ventura! I heard 'em again this morning, scratchin' around.
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ACE
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I never bring my work home with me, sir.
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The landlord notices the bags of kibble.
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LANDLORD
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Oh, yeah? What's all this pet food for?
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ACE
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(beat)
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Fiber.
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The landlord isn't buying it.
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ACE
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You wanna take a look for yourself? Go head.
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Ace rattles his keys in the door. Then he swings it open and turns on the light. The house is clear. Ace walks in as the landlord stands there snooping and sniffing the air.
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ACE
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Well… are you satisfied?
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LANDLORD
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(still suspicious)
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Yeah, but don't ever let me catch you with an animal in there, that's all!
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ACE
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Okay then. Take care now. 'Bye 'bye.
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The landlord walks away as Ace closes the door.
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ACE
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(quietly to himself)
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LLOOSER.
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He then turns to the room and gives a distinct whistle.
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CHAOS ENSUES! Animals jump out from every direction. Lizards crawl out of drawers, birds fly through the air, all of them gravitating to Ace.
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ACE
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(to his flock)
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Ooshhooboobooboodoodoo!
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INT. MIAMI DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - LATER THAT DAY
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The very imposing office of BOBBY RIDDLE, owner of the Miami Dolphins. Riddle, 70, is a take charge, doesn't take crap from anyone type of guy. He is yelling at ROGER PODACTER, an ex-linebacker in his early sixties, and MELISSA ROBINSON, Podacter's attractive assistant.
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RIDDLE
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I just want to know one thing; How the hell do you lose a 500 pound fish?!
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Melissa's about to speak but hesitates.
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RIDDLE (CONT.)
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What?
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MELISSA
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It's not a fish, sir. It's a mammal.
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An angry Riddle stands up.
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RIDDLE
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Oh, thank you very much, Mrs. Jacque Cousteau!
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PODACTER
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Bob, she didn't mean anything by it.
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RIDDLE calms down a little, and sits.
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RIDDLE
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(calmer)
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Listen, personally, I don't give a good god damn about a fish.
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He looks at Melissa. She doesn't dare say anything.
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RIDDLE (CONT.)
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All I care about is winning this Super Bowl! I want the players' head in the right place. Shit, Roger, you've been in this game long enough, you know how superstitious players are. Our quarterback's been putting his socks on backwards since high school. And I got a lineman who hasn't washed his jock in two years because he thinks flies are lucky! I want that god damn fish on the field Super Bowl Sunday! FIND THE FISH, OR FIND NEW JOBS!
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INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS ACTION
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An upset Podacter and Melissa walk through the hallway.
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PODACTER
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Why did it have to happen now? I got three stinking years left till retirement.
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MELISSA
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I've got forty.
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PODACTER
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I'll tell you who did it. It was those goddamn animal rights nuts! Always out there with their goddamn signs, ANIMALS WERE BORN FREE, STOP TORTURING SNOWFLAKE! That goddamn fish lives better than they do!
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They stop outside Melissa's office by her secretary's desk.
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MELISSA
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The police are checking into the animal rights people.
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(to secretary)
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Martha, have the police called back about the dolphin yet?
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MARTHA
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No, but I wanted to tell you, when I lost my Cuddles, I hired a pet detective.
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PODACTER
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A what?
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MARTHA
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A pet detective.
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MELISSA
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Thanks Martha, but we'd better leave this to professionals.
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MARTHA
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Well actually, he was quite good. Pet detection is a very involved, highly scientific process.
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CUT TO:
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EXT. ROOF OF HOUSE - SAME TIME
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CLOSE ON ACE - COOING like a pigeon. Widen to reveal, Ace precariously perched on the roof of a two story building. He is four feet away from "The" pigeon. Ater a beat, he makes a mad, spastic, yet scientific, lunge for the bird.
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ACE
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
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The bird makes a clean getaway. Unable to stop his momentum, Ace flies past the edge of the building and slides down the side of the roof.
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EXT. GROUND - CONTINUOUS ACTION
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BAM!!! Ace crashes to the ground. As he lies face down, in a heap of trash, his beeper goes off.
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EXT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS/BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY
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Parking lot. Ace's clunker drives by some real nice cars. Employees stare at him.
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INT. SECURITY CHECK POINT - DAY
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A stern guard is admitting people into the stadium. He scans each one with a security detection wand.
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MAN #1
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Art Wheeler. Sporting supplies.
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The guard scans him. He goes.
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MAN #2
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Tom Anderson. Concessions.
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The guard scans him. He goes.
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ACE
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Ace Ventura. Pet detective.
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The guard stares at Ace, accusingly.
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INT. MELISSA'S OFFICE - DAY
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Martha enters.
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MARTHA
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Ah… Mr. Ventura to see you.
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MELISSA
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Okay, send him in.
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Martha exits, Ace enters.
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MELISSA (CONT'D)
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Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson. Did you have any trouble getting in?
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ACE
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No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.
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MELISSA
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(apologetically)
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Super Bowl week. Security's tight. Mr. Ventura, I'll get right to the point…
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She slips a tape in the VCR and gestures for Ace to sit.
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MELISSA
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Our mascot was stolen from his tank last night. Are you familiar with Snowflake?
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The tape shows Snowflake doing a trick. The trainer, dressed like a quarterback, shouts out signals.
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TRAINER (ON TAPE) Blue! 42! Blue! 42! Hut! Hut!
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Snowflake swims over, snatches the small football out of the trainer's hand, swims the length of the pool, does an end zone dance on his tail, then returns the ball to the trainer.
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MELISSA (O.S.)
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We got Snowflake from the Miami Seaquarium. He's a rare Bottle Nose Dolphin. That's the new trick he was going to do during the half-time show.
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While Ace studies the tape, he chews sunflower seeds in a bird-like fashion, placing the shells in a neat little pile on her desk.
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MELISSA
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Would you like an ashtray?
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ACE
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No, I don't smoke.
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He adds more shells to the pile.
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Melissa is already wondering if she has made a mistake.
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MELISSA
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To be honest, Mr. Ventura. I'm pretty skeptical. Before today, I didn't even know there was such a thing as a pet detective.
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ACE
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Well, now that you do, you'll know who to call if your Schnauser ever runs away.
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MELISSA
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How did you know I have a Schnauser?
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Ace pulls a, invisible-to-the-naked-eye dog hair off here blouse and presents it to her.
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ACE
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He's young, about five pounds, black coat, white speckles…
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(sniffs the hair)
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…likes to chase cars.
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MELISSA
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Very impressive.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
You should see what I can do with a good stool sample.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
I can hardly wait. Look, we've got a problem. Can you help me or not?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(coy)
 +
 +
Well, sea faring creatures aren't really my expertise…
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
We'll give you three thousand dollars on delivery.
 +
 +
Ace immediately becomes the narrator of a nature show.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
The dolphin is a social creature. Capable of complex communication. Traveling in large groups or schools…
 +
 +
EXT. PLAYING FIELD - A SHORT TIME LATER
 +
 +
The Dolphin players practice. A crowd of reporters interview Marino.
 +
 +
MARINO
 +
 +
We just choked in 82. We had a chance to win it and we didn't. Nobody's gonna choke this time, and if they do, I'll kill 'em.
 +
 +
Ace and Melissa head for Snowflake's tank.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
The police were here this morning. Apparently, the kidnappers used the back gate.
 +
 +
Ace bends down to look at some tire tracks on the field.
 +
 +
MELISSA (CONT'D)
 +
 +
They said some kind of a –
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Four wheel drive van… loaded from the rear.
 +
 +
Ace sniffs the turf. Podacter enters nervously.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Oh, hi, Roger. How are you holding up?
 +
 +
PODACTER
 +
 +
Well if it looks like I'm walking funny it's because I have a bunch on reporters up my ass. They've been asking me about Snowflake all day. Who's this?
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Roger Podacter, meet Ace Ventura. Ace is our pet detective.
 +
 +
Podacter shakes his hand.
 +
 +
PODACTER
 +
 +
Nice to meet you. Martha Metz recommended you very highly.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Martha Metz? Martha Metz. Oh yeah, the bitch.
 +
 +
PODACTER
 +
 +
What?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Pekinese. Hyperactive. Lost in Highland Park area. She was half dead when I found her. Is that the tank?
 +
 +
They both follow Ace as he makes a B-line.
 +
 +
EXT. SNOWFLAKE'S TANK - MOMENTS LATER
 +
 +
The tank is empty.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Cops drain it?
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Yes. This morning.
 +
 +
Ace hops on the ladder.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
If I'm not back in five minutes… call Lloyd Bridges.
 +
 +
INT. DOLPHIN TANK - MOMENTS LATER
 +
 +
While eating sunflower seeds, Ace meticulously examines the tank, including the scratches where the hand banged up against the wall when Snowflake was stolen. All the while, he is singing a bastardized version of the theme from, "Flipper."
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
…Wonderful Flipper… glorious Flipper… magnificent Flipper… The flippiest Flipper…
 +
 +
Podacter and Melissa, watching from the rim, look at each other like, "What have we gotten ourselves into?" Podacter spots something.
 +
 +
PODACTER
 +
 +
Oh, great.
 +
 +
A hoard or reporters are headed their way.
 +
 +
PODACTER (CONT)
 +
 +
I'll try to head them off.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
(to Ace)
 +
 +
Get out of the tank.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(still singing)
 +
 +
…Can't hear you Flipper, Flipper… Lookin' for Flipper, gotta find Flipper…
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
I said, get out of the tank! Now!
 +
 +
The reporters draw closer. Podacter heads them off.
 +
 +
REPORTER
 +
 +
So where's Snowflake?
 +
 +
PODACTER
 +
 +
Ah… Snowflake is just, ah, not available right now.
 +
 +
REPORTER
 +
 +
Come on, I'm supposed to get a shot of his new trick for the evening news.
 +
 +
REPORTER #2
 +
 +
What? Is he sick?
 +
 +
Other reporters chime in.
 +
 +
VARIOUS REPORTERS Did something happen to Snowflake?! What're you hiding..?!
 +
 +
Melissa and Podacter don't know what to say. Then, a strange voice is heard.
 +
 +
ACE/HEINZ (O.S.)
 +
 +
(unrecognizable accent)
 +
 +
How cun I be getting dis vork dun mit all da shouting? What for is dis shouting?
 +
 +
REPORTER
 +
 +
Who the hell is that?
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
That? That's…
 +
 +
ACE/HEINZ
 +
 +
Heinz Kissvelvet. I am Trainer of Dolphins. You vant to talk to ze dolphin, you talk to me!
 +
 +
REPORTER
 +
 +
What happened to the regular trainer?
 +
 +
ACE/HEINZ
 +
 +
Vy do you care about the dolphin? Do you know him? Does he call you at home? Do you have a dorsal fin?
 +
 +
(beat)
 +
 +
To train ze dolphin, you must zink like ze dolphin. You must be getting oonside ze dolphin's head! Just yesterday I'm asking Snowflake… "ee, eee, eee." He said, "Eee, eee, eee, eee." Und you can quote him.
 +
 +
Ace spits at the reporters' feet. Podacter jumps in.
 +
 +
PODACTER
 +
 +
Gentlemen, please, Coach Shula's press conference is just about to begin. Why don't I take you over there and let, ah, Heinz, do his job.
 +
 +
He ushers the press away.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
(sotto to Ace)
 +
 +
Are you finished, Heinz?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Not yet.
 +
 +
Ace goes to the filter outside the tank, opens it, and pours out its contents – mainly leaves, small twigs and gunk. He roots through it, notices a very tiny amber stone. He smiles to himself.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Now I'm finished.
 +
 +
EXT. METRO POLICE DEPARTMENT - LATER THAT DAY
 +
 +
A flurry of activity in the detective division. As Ace enters, several cops taunt him on sight, led by the obnoxious, SERGEANT AGUADO.
 +
 +
AGUADO
 +
 +
Hey, Ventura! Make any good collars lately?
 +
 +
ANOTHER COP Or were they leashes?
 +
 +
They all bust up. Aguado spots a bug on the ground.
 +
 +
AGUADO
 +
 +
Uh oh.
 +
 +
(steps on the bug)
 +
 +
Homicide, Ventura!
 +
 +
The cops are falling all over themselves laughing.
 +
 +
AGUADO
 +
 +
How you gonna solve this one?!
 +
 +
Ace walks up to them and looks at the squashed bug.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Good question, Aguado… first I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's dick, and became insanely jealous.
 +
 +
The other cops all react with a big "ooooooo". Aguado has no comeback. Ace comes face to face with him.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Then I'd lose thirty pounds porking his wife.
 +
 +
Aguado suddenly loses it and swings at Ace.
 +
 +
With a lightening move, Ace sidesteps the punch and forces Aguado's face down next to the dead bug.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Now kiss and make up.
 +
 +
Ace walks off.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(to himself)
 +
 +
LLLOOOSER!
 +
 +
Ace walks to the desk of EMILIO ECHAVEZ, a young energetic member of the homicide division. Ace has a silly impish look on his face.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(playfully)
 +
 +
I miss you.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
It's not a good time, Ace. If Einhorn sees me talking to you I'm gonna be history.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Okay. Just tell me what you got on Snowflake. That's all I need.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
…I can't say anything. My hands are tied.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(effeminate)
 +
 +
Sounds like my kind of a party.
 +
 +
A cop comes to Emilio's desk.
 +
 +
COP
 +
 +
Look alive, Einhorn's on her way down.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
Ace, please?!
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Just tell me who's working the case?
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
Aguado.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Aguado?! He's pimple juice! He's the poster child for lead paint chip eaters!
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
Look, Ace. We're a little busy with murderers and drug dealers. A missing dolphin isn't exactly a high priority.
 +
 +
The elevator is getting closer.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
Ace, gimme a break will ya?
 +
 +
Ace nonchalantly sits back in a chair, pops a sunflower seed into his mouth and cracks it loudly.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
(quickly)
 +
 +
Okay, okay. We checked all the local animal rights groups, taxidermists, and we're running a check through DMV on all recent van rentals. So far, nada.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Any unusual bets being made?
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
Ace, it's the Super Bowl, of course there's bets being made.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
What'd you find out about the tank?
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
Nothing weird. Just the tire tracks and the exit route. The guard didn't see anything.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
That's it?
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
That's it. I swear. Now please go away!
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
You know something?
 +
 +
(again impish)
 +
 +
YOU'RE NICE!
 +
 +
Ace gets up and exits the room. Then just as Emilio sighs with relief, Ace pops back in.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
What about crazy Philly fans?
 +
 +
The elevator bell rings. Out steps police LT. LOIS EINHORN, mid 30s, with a slender build, a great pair of legs and a bad tude.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Holy Testicle Tuesday!
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
(to Emilio)
 +
 +
What the hell is he doing here?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Spare me the routine, Ventura. I know you're working the Snowflake case. May I suggest you yield to the experts on this one? We'll find the porpoise.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(mock relief)
 +
 +
Whewww… now I feel better!
 +
 +
Ace turns to go.
 +
 +
ACE (CONT)
 +
 +
Of course, that might not do any good. You see, nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common Harbor Porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth, and a triangular thorasic fin, while the Bottlenose Dolphin, or Tursiops Truncatus, has an elongated beak, round, cone-shaped teeth, and a distinctive serrated dorsal appendage. (beat) But I'm sure you already knew that. (beat) That's what turns me on about you. Hey… maybe I'll give you a call sometime, lieutenant. Your number still 911? Alrighty then!
 +
 +
Ace exits.
 +
 +
CUT TO:
 +
 +
INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT
 +
 +
A wild thrasher club. An incredible thrash band is on stage cranking. Kids jump wildly into the moshing pit.
 +
 +
Ace enters, sees a burnout at the bar whose head is circling insanely to the music.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(shouting)
 +
 +
Excuse me?! Is Greg here?!
 +
 +
The burnout's head thrashes on. No acknowledgement of Ace.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Thank you!
 +
 +
Ace heads for the basement stairs.
 +
 +
INT. BASEMENT STAIRS - NIGHT
 +
 +
Ace descends the stairs, stopping at a large steel door. Ace bangs on it three times. A voice is heard from inside.
 +
 +
VOICE (O.S.)
 +
 +
Password!
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Tom Vu! I pay for sex! You can too!
 +
 +
CLICK! The door electronically unlatches and slides open.
 +
 +
INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT
 +
 +
Ace enters. Green Peace "Save the Whales" posters abound. GREG/WOODSTOCK, a laid back, ex-hippy with long gray hair, sits at a very impressive computer set up. Ace and he have their own distinct banter.
 +
 +
A thud from above. Ace looks up.
 +
 +
ACE'S POV
 +
 +
Part of the ceiling is made of metal grating, so you can see the bottom of the dance floor. A guy's face gets smashed into the grate. We see that it is the burnout from the club.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(to burnout)
 +
 +
Found him!
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Hey! St. Francis! How's it goin?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Super, and thank you for asking. Hope you're having a nice day.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Do you?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Don't I? And what are you up to?
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Just watching the fishies, man.
 +
 +
There is a BLIP on the computer screen.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Alright, you're just in time for the party. You see those blips?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
I certainly do.
 +
 +
ON THE SCREEN
 +
 +
A map with several ships on the ocean.
 +
 +
He quickly taps in some commands and the ships start sailing in all different directions.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
That's a Norwegian whaling fleet. I'm sending them new directional coordinates… They'll find Jimmy Hoffa before they find any Humpbacks.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Gravy.
 +
 +
Woodstock moves to a different screen.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Check this out.
 +
 +
More computer graphics come up on the screen.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Just changed the formula for Purina's puppy chow.
 +
 +
(turns to Ace)
 +
 +
Too much filler, don't ya' think?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(acting turned on)
 +
 +
I'm very attracted to you right now.
 +
 +
Woodstock chuckles.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Are you?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Aren't I? Can you still tap into all the aquatic supply store in the area?
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Of course I can. Why?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
I want to trace the sale of any equipment for transporting or housing a dolphin within the past few months…
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
C'mon, Ace. I thought you might have a challenge for me…
 +
 +
Woodstock starts hacking away.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Okay then, try to remember the sixties.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Wow! God one! Let's see… Marine winch sling, feeder fish, 20,000 gallon tank…
 +
 +
He waits. We hear a beep.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
That's it. I found the culprit.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Who is it?
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
(dramatically)
 +
 +
…Sea World.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
…bastard.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Hang on, hang on…
 +
 +
(He taps a couple keys)
 +
 +
Well, what do we have here? That's a lot of equipment for a civilian.
 +
 +
The printer spits out some data. Woodstock rips off the page and hands it to Ace.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Ronald Camp? The billionaire?
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Billionaire and rare fish collector.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
RRREHEHEALLY!
 +
 +
A PICTURE OF CAMP
 +
 +
Comes up on the computer screen.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
That, my friend, is the face of the enemy.
 +
 +
He pages through his file on screen.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
…Always tryin' to get his hands on endangered species…
 +
 +
Newspaper articles fill the screen. One shows a picture of Camp and some Dolphin players.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Hold on, this guy's connected with the Dolphins?
 +
 +
Ace leans in.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Camp donated the land the new stadium's built on.
 +
 +
(re: article)
 +
 +
Oh, look at this, he's throwin' another, "I'm the richest man in the universe" party.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(thinking)
 +
 +
Hmmm… I wonder if I can find myself a date.
 +
 +
INT. CAMP'S MANSION - NIGHT
 +
 +
It's a magnificent home. There is an extremely formal party in progress. Twenty to thirty people having champagne, caviar, and hot air. We see Dan Marino sitting with an audience around him.
 +
 +
DAN
 +
 +
We just choked in 82. We had a chance to win and we didn't. But nobody's gonna choke this time; if they do, I'll kill 'em!
 +
 +
Everybody laughs.
 +
 +
EXT. CAMP'S MANSION - NIGHT
 +
 +
Ace and Melissa climb an impressive stairway leading to Camp's mansion.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
I'm really going out on a limb here, Ventura. Camp's social events are strictly A-list.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(a la Love Connection)
 +
 +
'Well, Chuck… the date started off good, but just before we got to the party, she seemed to tense up.'
 +
 +
Melissa rolls her eyes, then taps a huge door knocker.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
I swear, if you do anything to embarrass me in front of Camp…
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
You mean like this?
 +
 +
Ace starts doing a spastic body convulsion. Just then a bald-headed butler, who looks a little like Gavin McCloud, opens the door. Ace doesn't notice until Melissa hits him with her purse.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Owwwe!!!
 +
 +
He sees the butler.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Oh, hi Captain Stubing.
 +
 +
Melissa storms in, already pissed.
 +
 +
INT. CAMP'S MANSION - CONT
 +
 +
Ace and Melissa enter. Camp looks over.
 +
 +
CAMP
 +
 +
Melissa! Glad you could make it! Oh, and who is this?
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
This is my date. He's a… lawyer.
 +
 +
CAMP
 +
 +
Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "Lawyer"?
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
I'm sorry, it's Ace - ah, Tom Ace.
 +
 +
Ace is very unimpressed with her lying ability. He jumps in.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Tom Ace. Wonderful to meet you, Mr. Camp, and congratualtions on all your success. You smell terrific.
 +
 +
CAMP
 +
 +
Ah, well, thank you. Please, come in.
 +
 +
Ace boldly leads the way over to an hors 'oeuvre table. Melissa closely follows.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
(sotto)
 +
 +
This is insane. There's no way that Camp stole Snowflake.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(spreading pate' on a cracker)
 +
 +
Will you just keep him occupied, while I work my magic please.
 +
 +
She crosses the room. He puts the cracker in his mouth and begins to crunch. A man in a tux beside Ace spreads pate' on his own cracker.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(with a mouthful, to man)
 +
 +
Smooshy, isn't it?
 +
 +
Off the stuffy man's reaction…
 +
 +
INT. CAMP'S MANSION - SECONDS LATER
 +
 +
Ace approaches Camp.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Excuse me, Ron, I need to use the bathroom?
 +
 +
(palms his stomach, whispering loudly)
 +
 +
I think it's the pate'.
 +
 +
CAMP
 +
 +
Um, it's just over there.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Thanks. Stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh?
 +
 +
Ace laughs, slaps Camp hard on the back and heads for the bathroom.
 +
 +
INT. BATHROOM - CONT
 +
 +
Ace wastes no time. He locks the door, turns on the water faucet, steps onto the toilet seat, opens and climbs out a window.
 +
 +
EXT. MANSION COURT YARD - CONT
 +
 +
Ace drops to the ground. He follows a pathway, through a gazebo and into a doorway, all the time quietly singing the musical score to 'Mission Impossible'.
 +
 +
INT. CAMP'S MANSION - FISH TANKS - CONT
 +
 +
Ace browses through a myriad of dramatically lit, salt water tanks, still singing. They're all filled with colorful exotic fish. Very impressive, but nothing large enough to house a dolphin. He continues on towards a large door.
 +
 +
INT. TANK ROOM - SECONDS LATER
 +
 +
A huge above-ground tank is covered with curtains to discourage onlookers. Ace swings open the large door and enters.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Gravy.
 +
 +
Ace climbs a ladder on the side of the tank, singing more intensely now. The ladder leads to a narrow catwalk over the center of the water. Ace grabs a feeder fish from a pail and walks carefully out there.
 +
 +
CLOSE ON ACE. THIS IS IT.
 +
 +
He looks into the dark pool, but sees nothing. Now he stops singing, quietly squats down and dangles the fish over the water.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(gently)
 +
 +
Snowflake… Here, Snowflake… Snooowflaaaake…
 +
 +
A GREAT WHITE LUNGES OUT OF THE WATER AND SNAPS ITS JAWS AN INCH FROM ACE'S FACE!!! NEEDLESS TO SAY, ACE IS A TAD SURPRISED.
 +
 +
He reels back, falling off the catwalk, into the water.
 +
 +
INT. CAMP'S MANSION - SAME TIME
 +
 +
Melissa is admiring some beautiful tropical fish. Camp approaches.
 +
 +
CAMP
 +
 +
Wonderful, aren't they?
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
(nervously)
 +
 +
Yes. They're incredible.
 +
 +
CAMP
 +
 +
No matter what is going on in my life, I can always watch them swim and be completely at peace.
 +
 +
INT. INDOOR POOL ROOM - SAME TIME
 +
 +
The water is still for a moment. Then, Ace breaks the surface.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(frantic, to himself)
 +
 +
It's not Snowflake… It's not Snowflake.
 +
 +
Instantly, Ace's body is thrashed around back and forth through the water, the entire length of the pool.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(screaming)
 +
 +
IT'S NOT SNOWFLAAAAKE!!! IT'S NOT SNOWFLAAAA!!!
 +
 +
INT. CAMP'S MANSION - LATER
 +
 +
A line is forming outside the bathroom. Camp and Melissa are seated nearby. He's getting curious.
 +
 +
CAMP
 +
 +
Are you sure he's okay? It's been an awfu;;y long time.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Who, Tom? Oh, I'm sure he's fine.
 +
 +
Ace suddenly opens the bathroom door and stands there, completely drenched from head to toe, with his pants in shreds. Everyone stops. They all stare at Ace in amazement.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(loudly to the entire room)
 +
 +
DO NOT GO IN THERE!
 +
 +
(fanning the air)
 +
 +
Whewww!!
 +
 +
EXT. CAMP'S MANSION - LATER
 +
 +
Ace and Melissa are exiting. Camp stops in the doorway.
 +
 +
CAMP
 +
 +
(still confused)
 +
 +
I'm very sorry, Mr. Ace. I'll have the pluming checked immediately.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Be sure that you do. If I had been drinking out of that toilet, I might have been killed!
 +
 +
Ace shakes Camp's hand and notices his ring. He holds on to get a better look. It's a very distinct, commemorative ring.
 +
 +
Camp wants his hand back but Ace won't let go. Melissa finally drags Ace away.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
We'd better go.
 +
 +
Camp looks on and shakes his head.
 +
 +
INT. MELISSA'S CAR - NIGHT
 +
 +
Ace is thinking. Melissa is pissed.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
…Y'know, I don't even want to know why your pants are missing! I don't care what happened! You could have cost me my job.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(on his own wavelength)
 +
 +
I was wrong about Camp. He's breaking the law but he's not our guy.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
It's a sure thing! It's definitely him! Just get me in there! Let me work my magic!
 +
 +
Ace takes the stone out of his pocket and studies it intensely.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
This is the key. Right here!
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made!
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
So small! So unnoticeable! Yet an invaluable piece… of our twisted little jigsaw puzzle!
 +
 +
Melissa stares at Ace like he's gone crazy. There is a flash of headlights and a car horn. Melissa swerves back into her own lane. Ace drops the stone somewhere on the seat and begins to search for it frantically.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Damn it!
 +
 +
(to Melissa)
 +
 +
Try to keep it on the road.
 +
 +
INT. MELISSA'S LIVING ROOM
 +
 +
Melissa enters, followed by Ace.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
So, you found a pebble in Snowflake's tank. Excuse me while I call CNN.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
I found it in the filter. And it's not a pebble. It is a rare, triangular cut, orange amber.
 +
 +
Ace hands Melissa the stone and quickly goes to one of her bookcases.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
What are you talking about?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Tonight I saw the exact same stone in Camp's ring.
 +
 +
Ace finds a book on the Dolphin team and flips through it.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
I thought you said he didn't do it.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
N. Camp's clean. His ring wasn't missing a stone. But whoever was in that tank had a ring just like his.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Wait a second. What ring?
 +
 +
Ace hands her the book. It's open to a photo of…
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
The 1982 Dolphin AFC Championship ring.
 +
 +
Melissa holds the stone up to the picture. It's a perfect match.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
I find the ring with the missing stone, I find Snowflake.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
How are you gonna do that?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Simple.
 +
 +
MUSIC UP
 +
 +
CUT TO:
 +
 +
EXT. TRACK - DAY
 +
 +
Ace is wheezing and gasping for air as he struggles to jog up beside a large man who's running around the track at a very fast pace. When he finally catches up, he awkwardly tries to catch a glimpse of the man's ring and trips. The man just keeps going.
 +
 +
INT. FOOTLOCKER - DAY
 +
 +
Ace sits waiting with one shoe off. The store manager, an ex-player for the '82 team, sets down several shoe boxes. Ace checks out the ring.
 +
 +
CLOSE ON
 +
 +
A poster of the '82 team. The player we just saw is being crossed out.
 +
 +
EXT. HOTEL - DAY
 +
 +
Pan a few kids getting autographs from Marino and other players, ending on Ace dressed up and looking like a pimply kid. As the players sign, he checks their rings.
 +
 +
EXT. TRACK - DAY
 +
 +
Ace is again trying to catch the large man on the track. This time, just as he draws near, the man leaves him in the dust.
 +
 +
INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY
 +
 +
Two big guys finish arm wrestling. Ace steps up to challenge. He spends an undue amount of time preparing his grip, as he checks out the ring. Ace finally gets set and gives the "go ahead" nod. He is instantly thrown across the room.
 +
 +
CLOSE ON
 +
 +
The poster of the '82 team. Another group of players are being crossed out.
 +
 +
EXT. STREET
 +
 +
Ace spots a player driving along side him. He can't see his ring.
 +
 +
Ace deliberately cuts off the player's car and flips him off. The angry player flips Ace off. We see his ring is intact. Ace waves and drives off.
 +
 +
INT. MEN'S ROOM
 +
 +
One huge lineman uses a urinal. Ace, using the urinal next to him, nonchalantly tries to catch a glimpse of the guy's hands. The Lineman has a very angry look on his face, but after a beat it changes to a "come on" smile.
 +
 +
CLOSE ON
 +
 +
The poster of the '82 team. There is only one face that has not been crossed out. Ace circles it.
 +
 +
EXT. TRACK - DAY
 +
 +
Once again we see the large, fast man jogging toward camera. Suddenly Ace runs up behind him, with a desperate look on his face, pouring a bottle of chloroform into a cloth. He leaps onto the man's back, smothering him with the cloth and holding on for dear life. The man slowly gives up the fight and collapses. Ace casually checks the ring, then walks away disappointed.
 +
 +
EXT. MELISSA'S BACKYARD - EARLY EVENING
 +
 +
Ace sits in a lawn chair depressed. Melissa consoles him.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Ace, that stone could have come from anywhere. An earring, a necklace…
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(with murder in his eyes)
 +
 +
It came from an '82 AFC Championship ring.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Lt. Einhorn thinks it was an animal rights group. Have you heard of FAN?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Free Animals Now? Started in 1982 by Chelsea Gamble, daughter of the famous industrialist, Fischer Gamble? Over half a million members from Florida to Finland?
 +
 +
(beat)
 +
 +
No. Who are they?
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Did you know that last year they sent threatening letters to 127 college teams, demanding the release of their mascots? At last count –
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
What do you feed your dog?
 +
 +
We see Melissa's dog lying near Ace's feet.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Ah… dog food, why?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
He's miserable.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
What are you talking about?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
He's just very unhappy, I feel sorry for him. Bad diet, isolated environment. It's amazing he's still alive.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
You're just mad because your stupid pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Yeah? And you're ugly.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
I'm not even gonna' talk to you, please leave.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
What, so you can beat him? Fatty!
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
You… are unbelievable.
 +
 +
The phone rings inside the house. Melissa goes to answer it.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Hiring you was a huge mistake!
 +
 +
The door slams and Ace is alone with the dog. After a moment he reaches down to pet it and we all see that it is one of the happiest dogs in the world.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
You like her, huh?… Yeah, she's alright.
 +
 +
Ace, feeling guilty, walks into the house.
 +
 +
INT. MELISSA'S DEN - CONT
 +
 +
Ace walks toward Melissa.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Look, Melissa, I, ah…
 +
 +
Ace stops when he sees Melissa. She is sitting, holding the phone in her lap with a completely stunned look on her face. Something is very wrong.
 +
 +
EXT. HIGH RISE APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
 +
 +
Chaos. Police, lights flashing, paramedics, crowds of people.
 +
 +
Ace and Melissa see Roger Podacter's body taken away in an ambulance.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
You okay?
 +
 +
Melissa nods bravely. Emilio joins them.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
What'd you find?
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
Podacter, Roger. Routine suicide. He was alone. He'd been drinking. No sign of a struggle. Neighbor heard him scream on the way down. Just your classic fifteen story swan dive.
 +
 +
Melissa shudders. Ace gives Emilio a "way to go" look.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
Sorry.
 +
 +
INT. HIGHRISE LOBBY - NIGHT
 +
 +
The three enter. Emilio pushes the button for the elevator.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
It just seems so out of character. He was going to retire in two years.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Did he leave a note?
 +
 +
The elevator arrives.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
No. That's nothing unusual. Some do, some don't. He didn't.
 +
 +
The elevator doors close.
 +
 +
INT. PODACTOR'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
 +
 +
Police are everywhere. Emilio, Ace and Melissa enter and are immediately approached by one of the officers.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
Miss Robinson, this is officer Carlson.
 +
 +
CARLSON Evening, ma'am. I wonder if you could answer a few questions about the deceased?
 +
 +
Ace slips away, we follow him as he eavesdrops on conversations.
 +
 +
NEIGHBOR
 +
 +
(to a cop)
 +
 +
I told you, I was across the hall in my apartment, I heard a scream. The door was locked, so I called the manager…
 +
 +
The Manager reiterates her story to the cop. The Manager is about 100 years old.
 +
 +
MANAGER
 +
 +
…The place was empty, except for the damn dog in the other room. Then I opened the balcony door, looked over the railing, and… splat, bang, pancake time…
 +
 +
Ace, continuing his investigation notices…
 +
 +
PODACTER'S DESK
 +
 +
in perfect order.
 +
 +
Next, he notices police coming in and out of the balcony, closing the door behind them, shutting out the noise.
 +
 +
INT. PODACTER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
 +
 +
A dog is cowering in the corner. Ace tries to comfort the little guy.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Hey, fella, have a bad night?
 +
 +
Ace examines its paws.
 +
 +
Ace then gets down and finds scratches in the door. TWO FEET interrupt.
 +
 +
Ace stands. He is face to face with Einhorn.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Who let Dr. Doolittle in?
 +
 +
Emilio steps in immediately.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
Ah, Lieutenant. He came with Miss Robinson –
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
This is official police business. We'll let you know if the coroner finds any ticks.
 +
 +
Cops snicker.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
I just thought since Melissa –
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
E, forget it. She's right. Besides, I wouldn't want someone tracing my steps and pointing out all the mistakes I made.
 +
 +
Ace crosses to…
 +
 +
EXT. PODACTER'S BALCONY - CONT
 +
 +
Ace examines the area. Einhorn is in hot pursuit.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Oh, so, you don't think this in an obvious suicide, Mr. Pet Detective?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Well, I wouldn't say that. Lord knows, there is plenty of evidence here to support your theory, except of course that spot of blood on the balcony.
 +
 +
On the railing, sure enough, there is a tiny spot of blood.
 +
 +
Einhorn glares at a couple of nearby cops. They look down.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
May I tell you what I think happened? Alrighty then!
 +
 +
Ace moves as he talks.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Roger Podacter went out after work. He had a few drinks, and he came home. But he wasn't alone. Someone was with him in this apartment. There was a struggle, and then Roger Podacter was thrown over that balcony. Roger Podacter didn't commit suicide. He was murdered.
 +
 +
A beat as everyone considers this.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Well, that's a very entertaining story, but real detectives have to worry about that little thing lawyers call evidence.
 +
 +
Ace picks up a lottery ticket on Podacter's desk and becomes a condescending kid show host.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Let's take a trip to clue corner, shall we? Can anyone tell me why a man buys a lottery ticket on the day he is going to commit suicide? Or why the family pet, suffering from acute canine trauma, clawed at the bedroom door until his paws bled? How about the blood on the railing? I'll bet if we put our thinking caps on we'll see that it was the result of the struggle that took place inside this apartment while Mr. Podacter was still alive!
 +
 +
(singing)
 +
 +
NEXT TIME YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE COME ON BACK TO CLUE CORNER! BOOP!
 +
 +
Everyone looks to Einhorn.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Not a bad try for a pet detective, but not near conclusive enough for us real investigators.
 +
 +
(beat)
 +
 +
First, people buy lottery tickets everyday. It's a habit. It doesn't prove a thing. Second, the dog wasn't suffering from canine trauma, he was suffering from bladder trauma. Sergeant Neilson found a piss stain as big as Lake Huron near the bed. And third, the blood on the railing. Simple. He doesn't jump far enough and whacks his head. A fact confirmed by the paramedics who found cuts on his scalp, with traces of a white chalky substance. i.e. plaster from the balcony.
 +
 +
Einhorn shows Ace the paramedics report. Everyone is impressed with Einhorn.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
So much for your murder, Ventura.
 +
 +
AGUADO
 +
 +
Uh oh, I think I heard a toilet flush. Maybe someone lost their turtle?
 +
 +
Everyone has a laugh. Ace looks beaten.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Well, maybe I'm just a little out of my league, here. Einhorn…
 +
 +
Ace holds out his hand, Einhorn shakes it.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
…good work.
 +
 +
Ace and Melissa head for the door.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Oh, there is just one more thing, Lieutenant.
 +
 +
(re: the neighbor)
 +
 +
This man is Roger Podacter's neighbor. He lives across the hall. He said he heard a scream, is that right, sir?
 +
 +
The neighbor nods. Ace turns to the apartment manager.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
And you said you had to open the balcony door when you keyed into the room?
 +
 +
MANAGER
 +
 +
That's right.
 +
 +
Ace walks out onto the balcony and turns, facing them.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
You're certain you had to open this door?
 +
 +
She nods.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
What's the point, Ventura?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Only this… AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW…
 +
 +
Ace sustains an incredible Pavorati note, while he repeatedly opens and closes the glass door between them. When the door is closed nothing can be heard.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(tapping the door)
 +
 +
This is double paned, sound- proofed glass. There's no way this neighbor could have heard Podacter scream on the way down with this door shut. The scream he heard came from inside this apartment, before Podacter was thrown over the railing! And the muderer closed the door before he left!
 +
 +
(celebrates insanely)
 +
 +
Yes! Yesss! I have exorcised the demons!
 +
 +
(a la Poltergeist)
 +
 +
This house is clear.
 +
 +
INT. ACE'S CAR - A SHORT TIME LATER
 +
 +
Ace drives straight ahead.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
What are you thinking?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
I'm thinking this whole thing is connected somehow.
 +
 +
(frustrated)
 +
 +
I'm thinking I want to find that other ring!
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
You checked all the rings.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
I know, Pessimistress. Could anyone else have gotten a ring that year?
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
No. Camp was the only honoree. Just players and coaches. Everyone in the photo.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
…Receipts! There must be receipts! You have a key to the office.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Ace this has been a really tough day. Can't we do this in the morning?
 +
 +
Ace looks at his watch.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Absolutely.
 +
 +
EXT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - 1:00 AM
 +
 +
Ace's car screeches to a stop, in front of the building. Ace jumps out, followed by Melissa.
 +
 +
INT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - HALLWAY - NIGHT
 +
 +
It's dark. Team pictures adorn the walls.
 +
 +
MELISSA (O.S.)
 +
 +
These files go back to seventy- eight.
 +
 +
INT. DOLPHIN OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
 +
 +
Ace is flipping through a file cabinet, looking at receipts. Melissa is starting to warm to him.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
That was pretty impressive, what you did back at the apartment.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(still looking)
 +
 +
You don't have to tell me. I was there.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Maybe you should have joined the police force… become a real detective.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(shaking his head)
 +
 +
I don't do humans.
 +
 +
Melissa gets a bit closer.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
You really love animals, don't you?
 +
 +
Ace stops searching and looks into her eyes.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
I feel a kinship with them. I understand them. Wanna hear something kinda spooky?
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Sure.
 +
 +
She gets closer still.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
One time, when I was about twelve, I had this dream that I was being followed by a dog with rabies. He had these really bloodshot eyes and foam coming out of his mouth… and just before I got to my front door… he jumped on me and sunk his teeth in. Then I woke up, and felt the back of my neck… check this out.
 +
 +
Ace motions for Melissa to feel the back of his neck, but when she does, he snaps at her hand, barking like a vicious dog.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
ARARAR!!!
 +
 +
Melissa jumps out of her skin.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Ohhh!! You bastard!
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(snickering)
 +
 +
I'm sorry. I couldn't stop myself. Are these all the receipts?
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
(mildly annoyed)
 +
 +
I don't know.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
There's only a dozen of them here.
 +
 +
Ace turns from the file cabinet with a hopeless look on his face. Melissa begins to clean up his mess.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
(pointedly)
 +
 +
Gee… maybe they were misplaced because somebody didn't put the files back when he was…
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Who the hell is that?
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
What…
 +
 +
Ace crosses to a big picture of the '82 team that hangs on the aadjacent wall and points out a player.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
That! Who the hell is that?!
 +
 +
He quickly pulls out his crossed out pictures of the team and begins to compare the two.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Oh, that's Ray Finkle… the kicker. Don't you know who Ray Finkle is?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
No! How come he's not in this picture?!
 +
 +
Melissa checks Ace's photo.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
This was the picture you were using? This was taken earlier in the year. Finkle wasn't added to the roster till mid-season.
 +
 +
She starts to realize what Ace has already figured out.
 +
 +
MELISSA (CONT'D)
 +
 +
He's the guy that missed the final field goal in the Super Bowl that year. Cost the Dolphins the game.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
But he got a ring?
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Definitely.
 +
 +
INT. STADIUM/PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICE - LATER
 +
 +
Ace and Melissa look through Finkle's file on a microfiche screen. Newspaper articles, headshots flash before them…
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
'Replacement Kicker Having Great Year'… 'Ready For Super Bowl, Confident Kicker Boasts'.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
'Field Goal Sails Wide, Dolphins Lose Super Bowl'.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
The kick heard round the world. That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point.
 +
 +
Another headline hits the screen: FINKLE CONTRACT NOT RENEWED.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Poor guy.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Poor guy with a motive, baby. Where is he now?
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Last I heard, he went back to his home town, Collier County. He used to work in a bar up there.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(pondering)
 +
 +
REHEHEALLY.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Can you drop me off before you go?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(shaking his head)
 +
 +
No way. It may not be safe at your apartment, and you shouldn't be left alone.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
What do you suggest?
 +
 +
CUT TO:
 +
 +
INT. ACE'S BEDROOM - LATER
 +
 +
We see a person's butt under a sheet coming up into frame repeatedly.
 +
 +
SKIN, SWEAT, SHEETS FLY, as Ace and Melissa roll back and forth on the bed. Ace is taking no prisoners.
 +
 +
CUT TO:
 +
 +
50 animals at the bottom of the bed, with eyes as big as silver dollars, watching them silently. We cut back and forth between furious lovemaking and shots of staring animals.
 +
 +
Melissa and Ace simultaneously reach the pinnacle of pleasure.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
(totally amazed and exausted)
 +
 +
OH man… oh man! Oh wow!
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(mock embarrassment)
 +
 +
I'm sorry… that's never happened to me before. I must be tired.
 +
 +
EXT. HIGHWAY ONE - DAY
 +
 +
Various traveling shots of Ace en route to a 'Deliverance' type town deep in the Everglades. A sign reads "Gas - Food - 2 Miles" but the word "Food" is crossed out.
 +
 +
INT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - DAY
 +
 +
A pitifully sad country song plays on the radio. FERN BILBO sits at his cluttered desk with the end of an old shotgun in his mouth. He is struggling to reach the trigger.
 +
 +
Through the glass behind him, we see Ace's car pull up to the only gasoline pump.
 +
 +
DING! The bell rings. Fern begrudgingly takes the gun out of his mouth, sets it down and walks out.
 +
 +
EXT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - CONT
 +
 +
Ace gets out of his car.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Excuse me, sir. Do you know where I can find the Pigskin Sports Bar?
 +
 +
FERN
 +
 +
Do I have a "kick me" sign on my back, son?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
I wouldn't know anything about that, but if you could point me toward the bar.
 +
 +
Fern breaks down, sobbing.
 +
 +
FERN
 +
 +
They all left me… all of them!
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Well… Hypothetically speaking, say they all left you and went to the Pigskin Sports Bar. How would they have gotten there from here?
 +
 +
FERN
 +
 +
Two miles down and take the first left.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Thanks very much! Take care now, 'bye 'bye then!
 +
 +
Ace gets into his car and pulls out.
 +
 +
INT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - CONT
 +
 +
Fern enters, sits down at the desk, places the end of the shotgun in his mouth, reaches for the trigger and…
 +
 +
DING! Another car pulls up to the pump. Exasperated, he takes the gun out of his mouth.
 +
 +
FERN
 +
 +
(murmers to himself as he gets up)
 +
 +
Can't get anything done around here…
 +
 +
EXT. PIGSKIN SPORTS BAR - DAY
 +
 +
A weathered dive in the middle of a swamp. Ace parks.
 +
 +
INT PIGSKIN SPORTS BAR - DAY
 +
 +
If depression had a home, this is it. Several dejected men, with various degrees of missing teeth, sit around the bar. A couple hapless guys play pool. One throws darts.
 +
 +
Ace enters, pops a sunflower seed in his mouth and addresses the room.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Excuse me, guy?! My name is Ace Ventura, I'm a pet detective. I'd like to ask you a few questions if I could.
 +
 +
No one even looks at him.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Just a few questions, that's all.
 +
 +
Still no one reacts.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(very up)
 +
 +
Who wants gum?!
 +
 +
Again, no reaction. Ace walks over to the bartender and slides a five across the bar.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
I'm looking for a guy who used to work here.
 +
 +
The bartender takes the money.
 +
 +
BARTENDER
 +
 +
That right?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
He was a kicker for the Dolphins. Ray Finkle.
 +
 +
A pool ball flies by Ace's head shattering a mirror behind the bar. All eyes are on Ace.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(to guy who threw it)
 +
 +
That would be a scratch.
 +
 +
TOOTHLESS GIANT
 +
 +
You a friend of Finkle's?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(thinks)
 +
 +
…Yes?
 +
 +
CRASH! The giant guy smashes his bottle.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Sorry, I have "say the opposite of what you mean" disease.
 +
 +
Several undesirables surround Ace.
 +
 +
TOOTHLESS GIANT
 +
 +
That bastard ruined this town.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Ewww… I hate that!
 +
 +
HICK #2
 +
 +
We bet everything we had on that Super Bowl and that son of a bitch gagged.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
What a diiick!
 +
 +
They all move closer in a threatening manner.
 +
 +
HICK #3
 +
 +
Shanked a goddamn 26 yarder!!!
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Death to Finkle! Death to Finkle!
 +
 +
The bartender steps in.
 +
 +
BARTENDER
 +
 +
We had a hell of a thing going here. Tourists coming to see Ray Finkle's home town. He was standing right over there when he got the call from the Dolphins.
 +
 +
The bartender points to a payphone. It has had the shit beaten out of it. Every expletive you can think of is graffitied around it.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Did he come back after the Super Bowl?
 +
 +
BARTENDER
 +
 +
Yeah… but the boys here had ways of letting him know he wasn't welcome.
 +
 +
HICK #1
 +
 +
Excuse me, I gotta take a wicked Finkle.
 +
 +
Laughter.
 +
 +
TOOTHLESS GIANT
 +
 +
What's the difference between Finkle and a jackass? A jackass can kick.
 +
 +
More laughter.
 +
 +
HICK #2
 +
 +
Why did Finkle cross the road?!
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(facetious)
 +
 +
Wait… I know this one.
 +
 +
HICK #2
 +
 +
He didn't! And I've got the hair on my bumper to prove it!
 +
 +
Maniacal laughter and chanting ensues.
 +
 +
MOB
 +
 +
FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS!
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
It's good you're dealing with the anger.
 +
 +
(beat)
 +
 +
I don't suppose anyone's seen him lately?
 +
 +
The chanting stops and the guys all look at Ace.
 +
 +
BARTENDER
 +
 +
No… but we know where his parents live! Don't we boys?!
 +
 +
HICK #1
 +
 +
Yeah! We sure do!
 +
 +
They all laugh insanely again.
 +
 +
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
 +
 +
Ace pulls up outside a two-story stilt house. The place has been completely desecrated by graffiti, bullet holes and paint bombs. Toilet paper is strewn through the trees. Ace walks up and knocks on the door. A wooden peephole slides open revealing a suspicious pair of eyes.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
…Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle.
 +
 +
A gun slides out into Ace's face.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(with a gulp)
 +
 +
And a clean pair of shorts.
 +
 +
A deep gruff voice from inside.
 +
 +
VOICE
 +
 +
What do you know about Ray Finkle?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Southpaw soccer style kicker. Graduated from Collier High in June, 1976. Stetson University honors graduate, class of 1980. Holds two NCAA division one records. One for most points in a season, one for distance. Former nickname The Mule. The first and only pro athlete ever to come out of Collier County. And one helluva model American.
 +
 +
After a beat the peephole closes. The door slowly creaks open revealing MR. FINKLE, an unsmiling, taciturn, elderly man holding the gun.
 +
 +
MR. FINKLE
 +
 +
Are you another one of them scumbags from 'Hard Copy'?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
No, sir. I'm just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland, sir.
 +
 +
Mrs. Finkle, a sweet, adorable elderly woman comes over.
 +
 +
MRS. FINKLE
 +
 +
Will you put that gun down. The boy's a fan of our son. So nice to meet you. I'm Ray's mother, and this is Ray's father.
 +
 +
INT. FINKLE HOUSE - DAY
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
It's a real honor.
 +
 +
MRS. FINKLE
 +
 +
My Ray is so appreciative of his fans. He'll be so pleased you stopped by.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Are you expecting Ray anytime soon?
 +
 +
MRS. FINKLE
 +
 +
Oh, yes. I expect him home any minute.
 +
 +
Ace is surprised.
 +
 +
MRS. FINKLE
 +
 +
Would you like some cookies? I just baked them.
 +
 +
Mrs. Finkle hurries off to the kitchen. Ace smiles at Mr. Finkle. The guy's a corpse.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Wow… Ray Finkle's house! Can't wait to meet him!
 +
 +
MR. FINKLE
 +
 +
Ray ain't comin' home.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
But your wife said you expect him home any minute.
 +
 +
MR. FINKLE
 +
 +
She expects him home any minute.
 +
 +
He points to his head, and looks toward the kitchen.
 +
 +
MR. FINKLE
 +
 +
Engines runnin but there's no one behind the wheel. Ten years ago our son escaped from Shady Acres Psychiatric Hospital in Tampa. They're still buggin' us to pick up his stuff.
 +
 +
Mrs. Finkle returns with a plate of football shaped cookies.
 +
 +
MRS. FINKLE
 +
 +
(sweetly)
 +
 +
It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball laces out, like you're supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of Gonorrhea and rot in Hell. Would you like a cookie, son?
 +
 +
Ace takes a cookie. Holding it up.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Hey, what do ya know. They're little footballs.
 +
 +
MRS. FINKLE
 +
 +
Laces OUT!
 +
 +
CRASH!! A large stone smashes through the window. Outside, a pickup truck filled with drunken patrons from the Pigskin Sports Bar drives by yelling their Finkle chant.
 +
 +
MOB
 +
 +
FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS!…
 +
 +
MRS. FINKLE
 +
 +
I told you he had a lot of fans.
 +
 +
Mrs. Finkle picks up the rock and hurls it out the broken window. It hits one of the vandals, knocking him out cold, as the truck peels away.
 +
 +
MR. FINKLE
 +
 +
(aside to Ace)
 +
 +
She got the arm. The boy got the leg.
 +
 +
INT. HALLWAY - A SHORT TIME LATER
 +
 +
Mrs. Finkle and Ace are walking down the hallway to Ray's room.
 +
 +
MRS. FINKLE
 +
 +
When Ray gets back and starts kicking again, he'll never even know he was gone. I kept his room just the way he left it.
 +
 +
She opens the door to Ray's room. Ace steps in.
 +
 +
INT. RAY'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
 +
 +
It's a death shrine to Dan Marino. Complete with lifesize cutouts of Dan Marino, some with nooses around the neck, other hacked to pieces. Painted on the walls: "Death to Marino!", Marino must die!!!, etc.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
…Oooh boy.
 +
 +
MRS. FINKLE
 +
 +
What a sports nut, huh?
 +
 +
In the center of the room is a movie projector.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
May I?
 +
 +
MRS. FINKLE
 +
 +
Oh yes. By all means.
 +
 +
Mrs. Finkle shuts the lights off. Ace turns on the projector.
 +
 +
The film flickers over the "Marino must die!!!" graffiti. It's the final play of the Super Bowl. Marino takes the snap, Finkle kicks and the ball sails wide. The film repeats itself ad infinitum.
 +
 +
EXT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - DAY
 +
 +
Ace on the payphone. We see the gas station in the background.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Melissa, it's Ace.
 +
 +
INT. MELISSA'S OFFICE - DAY
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Ace? Where are you?
 +
 +
INTERCUT ACE/MELISSA
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the Mayor. Where's Dan Marino?
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Marino? Why?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Because he's about to join Snowflake. I gotta know where he is.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Okay, hold on…
 +
 +
Melissa checks Marino's itinerary. Ace waits, impatiently.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(to himself)
 +
 +
Come on. Come on…
 +
 +
In the background, we see two paramedics exit the gas station office rolling a dead body on a gurney. The area of the sheet that covers the face is a giant red spot. We widen to see them load good old Mr. Bilbo into an ambulance and drive away, ringing the station bell one more time. Ace doesn't notice.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Ah, he had practice. Then… he has a commercial shoot out at the Prescott Sound Stage.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Where is that?
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
It's on Route One by the Six Cut Off. Thirty minutes outside of town.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Okay, that's about fifteen miles from me. Call the police. Get extra security over there now.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Ace, tell me what's going on.
 +
 +
(beat)
 +
 +
Ace?…
 +
 +
The payphone dangles off the hook. Ace is…
 +
 +
EXT. HIGHWAY ONE - DAY
 +
 +
…in his car racing out of the swampland, his heaad now back out the window so he can see. He leaves a faded, old, barely legible sign in his wake: "
 +
 +
WELCOME TO COLLIER COUNTY. HOME OF RAY FINKLE"
 +
 +
The "F" in "FINKLE" has been replaced with "ST" in spray paint.
 +
 +
INT. PRESCOTT STUDIOS - DAY
 +
 +
Rehearsal for an Isotoner ad in progress.
 +
 +
MARINO
 +
 +
…So I protect the hands that protect me. With Isotoners.
 +
 +
Marino gets carted off by FIVE HUGE LINEMEN.
 +
 +
DIRECTOR
 +
 +
Good. Remember, exit camera right. That's to your left. Alright, let's get ready to shoot this.
 +
 +
FIRST A.D.
 +
 +
(to the linemen)
 +
 +
Helmets on this time!
 +
 +
The linemen disperse.
 +
 +
EXT. STREET - DAY
 +
 +
Ace runs a red light causing cars to skid in every direction.
 +
 +
INT. PRESCOTT STUDIO - DAY
 +
 +
Marino is in the make-up chair.
 +
 +
MARINO
 +
 +
(to make-up girl)
 +
 +
See, in 82 we just choked. We had a chance to win it and we didn't –
 +
 +
DIRECTOR
 +
 +
Dan, are you ready?
 +
 +
MARINO
 +
 +
Ah, sure.
 +
 +
(to girl)
 +
 +
I'll tell you later.
 +
 +
EXT. STUDIO - DAY
 +
 +
The cops race onto the lot.
 +
 +
INT. STUDIO - DAY
 +
 +
Marino takes center stage.
 +
 +
A.D. Quiet on the set… roll… speed…
 +
 +
DIRECTOR
 +
 +
…And action!
 +
 +
MARINO
 +
 +
Hi, I'm Dan Marino. If anyone knows the value of protection, it's me…
 +
 +
We see an old clip of Marino getting sacked.
 +
 +
EXT. STUDIO - DAY
 +
 +
Cops scramble on foot to the sound stage.
 +
 +
INT. STUDIO - DAY
 +
 +
The commercial is winding up. The linemen ready themselves.
 +
 +
MARINO
 +
 +
…So I protect the hands that protect me. With Isotoners.
 +
 +
The five linemen grab Marino and run off camera.
 +
 +
DIRECTOR
 +
 +
And cut! That was good. Again from one.
 +
 +
But two of the linemen keep running with Marino…
 +
 +
DIRECTOR
 +
 +
I said cut!!
 +
 +
…And they keep running.
 +
 +
DIRECTOR (CONT'D)
 +
 +
What the hell are they doing?
 +
 +
…Right out the studio door. Then the cops arrive and race after them. Two linemen stumble out of the dressing room holding their heads.
 +
 +
EXT. SOUND STAGE - DAY
 +
 +
Ace skids around a corner, looking way up ahead.
 +
 +
He sees Marino being shoved into a black 81 Ford Bronco. They drive off.
 +
 +
The cops come out of the building on foot. Too late.
 +
 +
Ace in hot pursuit almost runs the cops down.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(yelling at cops)
 +
 +
S'cuse meee! Pet Detective!
 +
 +
EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY
 +
 +
Ace's head is out the driver's window through the entire chase. As he starts gaining on the bad guys, they start shooting. Ace wisely puts his head inside the car.
 +
 +
ACE'S POV
 +
 +
He can't see shit through his broken windshield.
 +
 +
He pokes his head out again. They shoot again.
 +
 +
Ace swerves off the road into…
 +
 +
EXT. PARK - DAY
 +
 +
Ace's car smashes through benches and tables. Then it flips over a few times and lands on its wheels with a horrid SMASH. Ace is still strapped into the drivers seat, unconscious.
 +
 +
Ace's prized WHITE PIGEON lands on the car door right beside him. Ace cracks his eyes and sees the bird. Then, with a sudden quick lunge he successfully traps it in his hands, and forgets all about Marino.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
I did it! I did it! I caught the white pigeon! I caught the white pigeon!
 +
 +
Ace jumps out of his car and starts skipping around the park with the pigeon held high over his head. He looks insane.
 +
 +
ACE (CONT'D)
 +
 +
(singing)
 +
 +
I caught the white pigeon, I caught the white pigeon, I caught the white…
 +
 +
Ace slows down and begins to look around warily. There are now an unusual number of birds perched on the telephone wires around the park and on the monkey bars, and on the swings.
 +
 +
The sky grows darker. He slowly turns and tries to get back to the car. All the birds take flight.
 +
 +
Ace sets the white pigeon free and starts to run, but it's too late. The birds are on him. Pecking, and gouging, and ripping his flesh.
 +
 +
Now we see ten birds flying away with a leg. Five birds flying away with an arm. Twenty others are trying to take Ace's left arm off, and half his face is missing…
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
 +
 +
CUT TO:
 +
 +
EXT. PARK - DAY
 +
 +
Ace is back in his wrecked car with his arm hanging out the window. A small boy is pulling it.
 +
 +
BOY
 +
 +
Hey mister. Hey mister.
 +
 +
Ace come to suddenly, and looks at the boy with a crazed expression.
 +
 +
BOY (CONT'D)
 +
 +
That was a really neat crash, mister. Do it again!
 +
 +
Ace sighs with relief.
 +
 +
EXT. MIAMI - DAY
 +
 +
Various headlines hit the news stands: "MARINO KIDNAPPED" "STAR QB MISSING" "DAN WHERE ARE YOU?"
 +
 +
THE GLOBE HEADLINE: "MARINO ABDUCTED BY ALIEN FRANCHISE!" On the cover, Marino stands with several Space Aliens in football gear.
 +
 +
EXT. POLICE STATION - LATER THAT DAY
 +
 +
A chaotic press conference. Zillions of REPORTERS shout all kinds of questions at Einhorn.
 +
 +
REPORTER
 +
 +
Lieutenant, have there been any ransom demands?
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
There's been no communication with the kidnappers at this time.
 +
 +
REPORTER #2
 +
 +
What's going to happen to the Super Bowl? Will it be postponed?
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
As of now, the game is going on as scheduled.
 +
 +
REPORTER #3
 +
 +
Why wasn't the public told about Snowflake's kidnapping?
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Secrecy was essential. We didn't want any public interference.
 +
 +
REPORTER
 +
 +
Are the crimes related? And what about Roger Podacter's murder?
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
I'm sorry. I can't comment any further. Now if you'll excuse me.
 +
 +
Einhorn pushes her way through the crowd of reporters.
 +
 +
INT. POLICE STATION - MOMENTS LATER
 +
 +
Einhorn is barking out orders to other cops as she heads for her office.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Emilio, get me the autopsy on Podacter! Aguado, send out a memo. No one talks to the press…
 +
 +
INT. EINHORN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ACTION
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
…And somebody get me a cup of coffee!
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(TV announcer's voice)
 +
 +
Tonight on "MIAMI VICE", Crockett geets the boss coffee!
 +
 +
Ace is in her office, popping sunflower seeds, kicking back. Einhorn walks to her private bathroom.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Ventura, when I get out of this bathroom, you better be gone.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Is it number one or number two?
 +
 +
Einhorn turns and glares at Ace.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
I just want to know how much time I have.
 +
 +
Einhorn goes to the sink and begins washing her hands.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Oh, by the way, I went ahead and solved that pesky, Snowflake/Podacter/Marino thing.
 +
 +
EINHORN (O.S.)
 +
 +
(humoring him)
 +
 +
Oh yeah?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
yeah, ever hear of a former Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle?
 +
 +
The water shuts off. Einhorn appears around the corner.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Alright, Ventura. Make it quick.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake's tank. It's from a Dolphin '82 AFC Championship ring. It would have been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray Finkle missed the big kick. Blames the whole thing on Marino. We're talking paranoid, delusional psychosis. I saw the guy's room… Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lector.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
So how does Roger Podacter fit in?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
My guess is Finkle was snooping around. Podacter recognized him. End of story. As for Snowflake… they gave him Finkle's number, and taught him how to kick a field goal. Finkle took it personally.
 +
 +
Einhorn listens with great interest.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
So where is Finkle, now?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
He broke out of a metal hospital. Did a Claude Raines. He's been planning his revenge for years. Waiting for the perfect time to get back at the Dolphins. The time when it would hurt them the most. Super Bowl time! Man, I'm tired of being right!
 +
 +
Einhorn walks in front and sits on the edge of the desk. She's totally softened her demeanor.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Congratulations. You've done some fine detective work, Ace.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Ahh, could you talk in my good ear. I thought I heard you call me Ace.
 +
 +
Einhorn gets real close.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe you are more than just a pet dick.
 +
 +
SHE SUDDENLY PLANTS A MAJOR, TONSIL CLEANING, OPEN MOUTHED KISS ON ACE. Objects are knocked off the desk as they lean back.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Your gun's digging into my hip.
 +
 +
More kissing, the Ace stops.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
(still coming on)
 +
 +
What's wrong, Ace? Want me to read you your rights?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Maybe later.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
What is it? That bony little bitch, Melissa Robinson?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(defensive)
 +
 +
No. You just don't do anything for me.
 +
 +
He quickly adjusts his crotch, to conceal the erection. Einhorn withdraws with a coy smile.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
I'll be here if you ever want a real woman.
 +
 +
There's a sharp KNOCK at the door.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
What is it?
 +
 +
Aguado opens the door.
 +
 +
AGUADO
 +
 +
Everything okay in here? Heard some commotion.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Fine, Sergeant.
 +
 +
AGUADO
 +
 +
You want me to throw him out?
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Why don't you throw yourself out.
 +
 +
AGUADO
 +
 +
…Yes, ma'am.
 +
 +
A crestfallen Aguado exits. Ace heads for the door.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Ace, I want you to leave everything to us.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Can't do that, Lieutenant. I was hired to find Snowflake.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
When we find Marino, We'll deliver Snowflake.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
When I find Snowflake, I'll deliver Marino.
 +
 +
He exits.
 +
 +
INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT
 +
 +
A full on thrash metal band is cranking on stage. Kids leap wildly into the moshing pit. The same Burnout is still thrashing his head wildly to the music.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(shouting)
 +
 +
Nice to see you again!
 +
 +
The Burnout just keeps thrashing. Ace spots Woodstock watching the band and joins him.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
St. Francis, how's it goin'?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(kidding)
 +
 +
That's none of your damn business.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Isn't it?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Is it?
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Anything new on that dolphin?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Got his picture on some tuna cans, but nothing so far.
 +
 +
A singer ROARS on stage. He sounds like a garbage disposal full of cutlery.
 +
 +
SINGER Arroohhghhh! Myrrrooohghhhh! Geroooghhh!
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
So, what can I do for you today?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
I need info on a football flunky named Ray Finkle.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Sorry, Ace, I can't help you right now. I gotta watch this band! They are the shit!
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Are they?
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Aren't they?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Alright then. Don't worry about it. I mean dolphins aren't exactly an endangered species. It's not like the whole food chain's gonna be affected if one highly intelligent mammal dies a slow and painful death! Hell, if the band is loud enough, you won't even hear its pitiful whimpering!!
 +
 +
Ace does his best suffering dolphin impression. Woodstock is no longer enjoying the band.
 +
 +
CUT TO:
 +
 +
INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT
 +
 +
Woodstock is at his computer. Ace looks over his shoulder. Finkle's Social Security information appears on the screen.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
This guy's last reported income was September, 1982.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Well then. We know he's incredibly thrifty.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Is he?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Isn't he?
 +
 +
Woodstock types in more information. Finkle's TRW flashes on the screen.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Well, I think we can be pretty sure he's involved in the kidnapping of the dolphin.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Really? What makes you say that?
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
There's two-thousand dollars worth of smelts on his VISA card.
 +
 +
After a beat Ace realizes it was a bad joke.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Please yank me no further. I beg of you.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Alright already. The last time this guy used his credit card was June, '84. He rented a car from Avis. And… eww… he was a bad boy. They found it abandoned two months later in South Miami.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Anything else?
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Nope.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Well… you did all you could. Thanks for nothin.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Hey man, according to this, your friend Ray Finkle doesn't exist.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Hmm, I know what that's like.
 +
 +
WOODSTOCK
 +
 +
Do you?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Don't I?
 +
 +
INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT
 +
 +
Ace emerges from the basement. The band is between songs. Ace strolls by the burnout whose head has now stopped.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(to burnout)
 +
 +
Did you get all the spiders outta there?
 +
 +
Ace heads out, then freezes. The two thugs that took Marino are standing at the exit. Then they see Ace and start towards him, reaching inside their coats.
 +
 +
Suddenly the music starts. The burnout's head wails again. His manic gyrations interfere with the thugs long enough for Ace to bolt.
 +
 +
One of the thugs pushes the burnout violently against the wall as they pursue Ace.
 +
 +
BURNOUT
 +
 +
(calling, as he gets up)
 +
 +
Thanks, man! You're a great dancer!
 +
 +
Ace pushes his way through the crowd. The thugs follow.
 +
 +
Ace nears the stage. It's wild. People are diving off and getting moshed.
 +
 +
Before the thugs grab him, Ace runs up and throws himself from the stage. The insane crowd begins to pass him around over their heads.
 +
 +
The thugs exchange a look, then dive after Ace, and a "mosh" chase ensues.
 +
 +
Ace is passed back onto the stage as the song comes to an end. The singer is lying there exhausted. Ace sees the crowd starting to put the thugs down, so he quickly grabs the microphone off the floor.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(screams)
 +
 +
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, SPANK ME MOMMY!!!
 +
 +
The audience looks at Ace for a second. Then the band members exchange a look and go for it!!
 +
 +
It's a nightmarish little ditty. Ace sings like one of Satan's minions.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
URGHHUURRAAAW! ARGHUURRRREEEW!
 +
 +
The crowd seems to understand. They throw the thugs high in the air again and mosh them away from the stage. The Thugs are shooting stray bullets the whole time.
 +
 +
Ace incites the crowd, even more now, with a punching gesture. The crowd follows their new leader, punching with one hand, moshing with the other.
 +
 +
The thugs get the living crap "moshed" out of them.
 +
 +
When the song ends, Ace raises fists in the air. The cheering crowd violently drops the thugs. They're out cold.
 +
 +
EXT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT
 +
 +
Ace's car PEELS OUT and races by the parked '81 Ford Bronco.
 +
 +
EXT. MELISSA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
 +
 +
Ace's car skids to a halt. He hops out.
 +
 +
INT. MELISSA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
 +
 +
There's a loud BANGING at the door. Melissa awakens, looks at the clock: 3:32 a.m. She drags herself to the door.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Who is it?
 +
 +
ACE (O.S.)
 +
 +
Ira.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Ira who?
 +
 +
ACE (O.S.)
 +
 +
I refuse to do a 'knock knock joke'. Come on, open up!
 +
 +
Melissa opens the door.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Ace, what are you doing? It's the middle of the night!
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
You have to commit me.
 +
 +
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAWN
 +
 +
Ace's clunker speeds down the highway.
 +
 +
ACE (V.O.)
 +
 +
Finkle escaped from Shady Acres in Tampa. They still have some of his stuff.
 +
 +
MELISSA (V.O.)
 +
 +
So you think they're going to let us just waltz in and look around?
 +
 +
EXT. SHADY ACRES - ESTABLISHING - DAY
 +
 +
A state hospital located on acres of green, manicured lawns.
 +
 +
INT. SHADY ACRES - DAY
 +
 +
The reception area. A DOCTOR is before Melissa.
 +
 +
DOCTOR
 +
 +
Mrs. Robinson? I'm Doctor Handly. Now who is it that you'd like to have us look at?
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
My brother… Eugene.
 +
 +
ANGLE ON ACE - Looking like the football player who never wore a helmet.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
I'm ready to go in, Coach. Just give me a chance. I know there's a lot riding on it, but it's all psychological. Got to stay in a positive frame of mind. Memorize the play book. Study the films.
 +
 +
Ace strikes a dramatic pose and freezes, with a crazed look on his face.
 +
 +
ACE (CON'T)
 +
 +
I'm gonna execute a button-hook pattern!
 +
 +
He begins to make a play in slow motion.
 +
 +
ACE (CON'T)
 +
 +
Super slo-mo!
 +
 +
CUT TO:
 +
 +
EXT. SHADY ACRES HOSPITAL - DAY
 +
 +
Melissa walks with the Doctor. Patients are sitting around, doing outdoor therapy, etc.
 +
 +
DOCTOR
 +
 +
You're brother won't be the first professional football player we've treated.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Is that right?
 +
 +
DOCTOR
 +
 +
Yes. We're very sensitive to the emotional stress athletes have to endure.
 +
 +
Ace runs across the b.g. screaming "I'm open! I'm open!"
 +
 +
DOCTOR
 +
 +
We'll have to do some preliminary evaluations, but I think your brother will fit in nicely here.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
That's a relief, Doctor.
 +
 +
Ace takes a "snap" from a three-foot hedge and dives over it into the end zone. Melissa and the doctor stop to watch him.
 +
 +
DOCTOR
 +
 +
He seems to have some difficulty letting go of the game. Has he had a long history of mental illness?
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
(truthfully)
 +
 +
As long as I've known him.
 +
 +
Ace does a wild touchdown dance with some of the other patients participating.
 +
 +
INT. SHADY GLADE ACRES - HALLWAY - DAY
 +
 +
The doctor is showing Melissa around. Ace is walking alongside them adjusting his imaginary shoulder pads.
 +
 +
DOCTOR
 +
 +
This is our therapy room… Arts and crafts…
 +
 +
They turn a corner. Ace squats to pick the dirt out of his cleats.
 +
 +
DOCTOR (CON'T)
 +
 +
That's the storage room. This hallway leads to another recreational area –
 +
 +
Ace WHISTLES loudly and gestures like a referee…
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
HALFTIIIIME!!
 +
 +
Ace sticks his head in the water fountain then sits down on the bench outside the storage room.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
He'll be fine by himself for the next twenty minutes.
 +
 +
DOCTOR
 +
 +
Well, why don't I show you the dormitories, then?
 +
 +
They leave Ace.
 +
 +
After a beat, Ace gets up and does a quick spin pattern into the storage room door.
 +
 +
INT. STORAGE ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION
 +
 +
Cartons everywhere. Ace does a quick search and locates several boxes maked FINKLE.
 +
 +
Ace looks through the first couple of boxes and finds only clothes. In the third box, he hits the jackpot: He finds sicko arts and crafts dedicated to Marino. Die-Dan potholders, shredded Isotoner gloves. He opens a little diary. "Laces Out!" is insanely scrawled on every page.
 +
 +
Ace finds a newspaper clipping, the headline reads:
 +
 +
SEARCH CALLED OFF FOR MISSING HIKER
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(reading)
 +
 +
A massive search ended today when rescue workers were unable to find the body of Lois Einhorn…
 +
 +
(stunned)
 +
 +
…a camper reported lost since Friday…
 +
 +
(to himself)
 +
 +
Lois Einhorn… holy shit balls.
 +
 +
Ace sits bewildered.
 +
 +
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
 +
 +
The phone rings at Emilio's desk. He answers it.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
Echavez.
 +
 +
INT. SHADY ACRES - HALLWAY - DAY
 +
 +
Ace is on the phone. A CRAZY GUY is hovering nearby.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
This is Chicken Little. The sky is falling.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
What?
 +
 +
BACK TO EMILIO
 +
 +
A beat as he listens to Ace's news.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
I don't get it. What's it mean?
 +
 +
INTERCUT ACE/EMILIO
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
It means she's involved in this. The article's dated the day before Finkle disappeared.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
Before who disappeared?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Finkle. Ray Finkle… the guy who took the dolphin? The guy you're supposed to be looking for?! Einhorn didn't tell you, did she?
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
Hey, Ace. I see where you're goin' with this and you're goin' alone.
 +
 +
A Crazy Guy stands next to Ace now and begins mimicking everything he says.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Come on, E. I tell her about Finkle, she doesn't tell a soul. I have an article here that connects her with Finkle. You gotta' check her out.
 +
 +
(to Crazy Guy mimicking)
 +
 +
Do you mind?
 +
 +
The Crazy Guy stops and moves to one of the phones.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
Ace, I like my job. I get health insurance and benefits.
 +
 +
CRAZY GUY
 +
 +
(into receiver)
 +
 +
I'm the Lindberg Baby. Come and get me.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Emilio, Einhorn is involved. You're gonna' have to make a decision here.
 +
 +
(beat)
 +
 +
Listen, I gotta get off the phone. I think I just solved the Lindberg case.
 +
 +
Melissa and the Doctor return.
 +
 +
DOCTOR
 +
 +
Well, look who's trying to use the phone.
 +
 +
Ace covers the phone receiver and whispers to them in a heartfelt voice.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Brian Piccalo is dead.
 +
 +
Ace breaks down. Melissa hangs up the phone and leads him away.
 +
 +
We hear a thrash version of the theme to "Brian's Song" as they exit the hospital.
 +
 +
INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT
 +
 +
Emilio stands at a window, watching Einhorn drive off. The coast is clear so he sneaks into…
 +
 +
INT. EINHORN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
 +
 +
He rifles through her file cabinet. He tears through papers. Then he looks in her desk.
 +
 +
Stuffed in the back of the drawer he finds a personal note: We can make out the signature. Roger. He pockets it and walks out.
 +
 +
EXT. MELISSA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
 +
 +
Ace and Melissa pull up in the old heap.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Good job today. You're quite a dirty rotten filthy liar.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
(flattered)
 +
 +
Thanks. Are you sure you don't want to stay here with me?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Naw, I got some thinking to do. Besides, you'd be safer with Salman Rushdie
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Okay.
 +
 +
She gets out of the car, then turns and leans in the window.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Listen… I know there isn't much time left. The game is tomorrow. But I know you've done your best. It's just an impossible situation. I don't expect..
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Hey…
 +
 +
Ace leans over and kisses her.
 +
 +
ACE (CONT'D)
 +
 +
…bet on the Dolphins.
 +
 +
INT. ACE'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT
 +
 +
CLOSE UP: ANSWERING MACHINE
 +
 +
Wiggles' nose enters frame and hits the play button.
 +
 +
MESSAGE #1
 +
 +
(Shickadance rasp)
 +
 +
Venturaaaa? Your time is up! You're out! You hear me?! No rent… no roof!
 +
 +
We widen to find Ace on the couch listening.
 +
 +
MESSAGE #2
 +
 +
Ace, it's E. Got something you might find interesting. It's a note from Podacter to Einhorn, thanking her for a wonderful Saturday night. This is too weird, man?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Wiggles, rewind.
 +
 +
Wiggles obediently hits another button and rewinds the phone tape. Ace pops sunflower seeds, and holds some evidence aloft thinking. A bird eats seeds out of his naval.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
What the hell does Lois Einhorn have to do with Ray Finkle? Come on, think!
 +
 +
DISSOLVE TO:
 +
 +
Later. Ace is posed like Rodin's "The Thinker".
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Finkle and Einhorn. In it together. How? Why?
 +
 +
A small monkey sits in the same position. Mocking Ace.
 +
 +
DISSOLVE TO:
 +
 +
Later still. Ace pacing, jumping up and down. Trying to get his intuitive juices flowing. The monkey is likewise, jumping on the mantle.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Alright! Here we go! Answer's right there! Just gotta get some blood to the brain! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn!
 +
 +
The animals all watch him like he's crazy.
 +
 +
DISSOLVE TO:
 +
 +
Daybreak. Ace sits staring at a picture of Finkle on the coffee table. He's totally spent and on the verge of tears.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(whimpering)
 +
 +
Finkle and Einhorn. Einhorn and Finkle.
 +
 +
He turns to see the monkey crashed out in a heap on a sofa pillow.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(to sleeping monkey)
 +
 +
Quitter.
 +
 +
Wiggles jumps up onto the coffee table now. Ace can't be bothered with him.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
What do you want? Huh?
 +
 +
Wiggles whines at the tone of Ace's voice.
 +
 +
ACE (CONT'D)
 +
 +
What? I got no food for you. You gotta have money to buy food. I gotta find the dolphin to get the money. I don't see any dolphins around here, do you? Face it, it's hopeless… your master is a LOSER.
 +
 +
Ace buries his face in his hands. His dog Wiggles does the same. Then Ace looks up again.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
LOO… HOO…
 +
 +
Suddenly he is silenced by something amazing.
 +
 +
Wiggles' dark haired floppy ears are lying around Finkle's picture like a wig. Ace combs the hair over the head shot. The "make-over" is unmistakable. It's Einhorn!!
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Oh, my god! That's it!
 +
 +
He jumps up, estatic.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is Einhorn!… Einhorn is a man!!!
 +
 +
Ace's expression quickly turns sour.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
OH MY GOD!!! EINHORN IS A MAN!!!
 +
 +
MUSIC UP: AEROSMITH'S DUD LOOKS LIKE A LADY…
 +
 +
Ace makes a mad dash into the bathroom.
 +
 +
INT. ACE'S BATHROOM - MORNING - QUICK CUTS
 +
 +
…Ace furiously brushes his teeth.
 +
 +
…Ace rinses with mouthwash, spits it out and gags.
 +
 +
…Ace is in the shower. He slowly curls up into a ball under the steaming water with an expression of horror on his face.
 +
 +
INT. EINHORN'S HOUSE - DAY
 +
 +
CLOSE UP:
 +
 +
A woman's leg being shaved.
 +
 +
Woman sexily putting on nylons.
 +
 +
Woman hands squeezing perfume bulb.
 +
 +
Woman's hand putting on AFC championship ring. One stone is missing.
 +
 +
EXT. EINHORN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
 +
 +
Ace sticks wads of gum in his mouth while he watches Einhorn's house from his car.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(remembering)
 +
 +
You're gun is sticking into my hip. Yeeeekkkk!
 +
 +
Einhorn comes out her front door and gets into her car. Ace shudders once more and then follows her.
 +
 +
EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY
 +
 +
The road is jammed in one direction. Going towards the Super Bowl. Einhorn drives in the opposite direction. Out of town. Ace tails her at a safe distance, with his head out the window, of course.
 +
 +
INT. BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY
 +
 +
Various shots of crazy fans, piling into the stadium.
 +
 +
INT. STADIUM OWNER'S BOX - DAY
 +
 +
Melissa, BOBBY RIDDLE, and GUESTS all amidst the usual pre-game hobnobbing. Most of the talk centers on the loss of Marino.
 +
 +
Emilio, in full uniform, and a couple cops are providing extra security for the box.
 +
 +
EXT. HIGHWAY ONE - DAY
 +
 +
Einhorn drives south out of town. The area's getting remote. Ace follows.
 +
 +
Einhorn turns down a deserted road and comes to…
 +
 +
EXT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY
 +
 +
A large, abandoned industrial facility. Einhorn parks, disappears inside…
 +
 +
A few beats later, Ace kills the engine and exits singing the score to "Mission Impossible".
 +
 +
INT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY
 +
 +
Immense machines and swimming pool sized cauldrons.
 +
 +
Ace cautiously makes his way through the desolate site, singing quietly now. He stops when he hears a familiar voice.
 +
 +
JOHN MADDEN (O.S.)
 +
 +
I particularly like the match-ups of the defense.
 +
 +
Ace sees a weird sight: A HUGE TV PROJECTION SCREEN tuned to the Super Bowl pre-game show. Marino is tied to a football tackling sled. The two thugs take turns running into Dan with their shoulders, driving him back five feet each time.
 +
 +
JOHN MADDEN (ON TV)
 +
 +
…But the real story of this game is the absence of Dan Marino. Him being kidnapped and all has got to be a strain on this Miami team. I really feel sorry for those guys! I mean, it's hard enough enduring the pressure of the Super Bowl, without your star quarterback gettin' himself kidnapped. This is the whole ball of wax, folks! You wanna' get kidnapped, you do it in the off season!…
 +
 +
Marino looks incredulously at the screen. Next to him, Snowflake "watches" from a ground level cistern serving as an ad hoc tank.
 +
 +
Ace sneaks closer.
 +
 +
INT. BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY
 +
 +
The crowd quiets as Jon Bon Jovi prepares to sing the National Anthem.
 +
 +
Various shots of fans all standing at attention.
 +
 +
In the owners box, Melissa looks to Emilio. Nothing's new.
 +
 +
INT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY
 +
 +
Einhorn is now in front of the big screen TV SINGING the National Anthem along with Bon Jovi. The thugs, VINNIE and ROC, are behind her standing at attention.
 +
 +
The song ends. The crowd cheers.
 +
 +
In a sultry fashion Einhorn circles Marino now.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
I just love Super Bowl Sunday, don't you, Dan? A magical afternoon where dreams are made… or crushed!
 +
 +
DAN
 +
 +
Look lady, if you want tickets, you're going about it in the wrong way.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Do I look familiar to you, Dan? Does it seem as if we've met someplace before?
 +
 +
DAN
 +
 +
I don't know… I get hit in the head a lot!
 +
 +
On the TV the ref makes an announcement.
 +
 +
REF It's tails. The Eagles will receive.
 +
 +
Dan really struggles now.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Oops. Looks like we're going to have to kick, Dan.
 +
 +
Einhorn steps behind a football set up on a tee. And in perfect sync with the kicker on TV, she boots a ball through a window of the warehouse.
 +
 +
Marino doesn't know what to think.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
I made some refreshments, Dan. Would you like some refreshments, Dan? I'll be right back, Daaaan!!
 +
 +
She goes. Dan struggles, but to no avail.
 +
 +
MARINO
 +
 +
Look, I don't know how much psycho woman is paying you guys, but I can double it.
 +
 +
VINNIE
 +
 +
Sorry, Danny boy. Psycho woman keeps us out of prison.
 +
 +
Vinnie grabs a feeder fish and entices Snowflake to the surface. Roc raises a football.
 +
 +
ROC Hey, Marino, check it out. I'm throwin' passes to a Dolphin!
 +
 +
He chucks the ball and hits Snowflake, hard. The thugs both laugh hysterically.
 +
 +
Snowflake makes an angry leap and drenches the thugs. Snowflake laughs now, the thugs are furious.
 +
 +
VINNIE
 +
 +
Get some more fish!
 +
 +
INT. BEHIND MACHINERY - CONTINUOUS
 +
 +
Roc walks behind a big piece of machinery, reaches down for the pail of smelts, but sees nothing.
 +
 +
ROC Where the hell's the smelts?
 +
 +
He stands up straight and we all hear that familiar "Pop" of a sunflower seed being cracked open.
 +
 +
Roc's eyes widen. He turns and sees…
 +
 +
Ace coyly smiles at him, blows the sunflower seed shells into his face and CLANG! He whacks Roc in the head with a pail full of fish.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(doing Brando)
 +
 +
He sleeps with the fishes.
 +
 +
INT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - CONTINUOUS
 +
 +
VINNIE
 +
 +
Hey Roc, what the hell was that?
 +
 +
Vinnie cocks his gun and goes to check out the sound.
 +
 +
INT. BEHIND MACHINERY - CONTINUOUS
 +
 +
Vinnie rounds the corner and sees nothing. He walks a little further and notices a trail of smelts lined up on the ground.
 +
 +
He follows the trail around a corner and we see Roc, unconscious but moaning. He is sitting against the ground, with his legs spread apart and the pail over his head. The trail of smelts leads to his crotch. There is one halfway into his zipper, with its tail flipping.
 +
 +
Vinnie takes in this sight, then rushes over to Roc and stands him up.
 +
 +
VINNIE
 +
 +
Hey man! What happened? What's goin on…?
 +
 +
We see Ace at the top of a giant machine. He is aiming a 200 pound steel hook, that hangs on a chain from the ceiling.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Guess what, boys, it's nap time.
 +
 +
Ace gently releases the hook. Just as Vinnie and Roc turn to look, the iron hook shears both of their heads clean off.
 +
 +
Two headless bodies fall to the ground in slow motion with blood gushing from their necks.
 +
 +
CLOSE ON ACE - HORRIFIED
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Hooooly Shiiit! Oh my god! I didn't mean to - Oh man!!!
 +
 +
Ace holds his head and dances around, completely freaking out what he had done.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(looking to God)
 +
 +
Lord, I swear! I just wanted to knock them out!
 +
 +
Ace abruptly stops to think.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Is that murder? I don't know. They were gonna kill me. But they didn't… But they tried. That's self defense. That's it!! I have nothing to worry about!!
 +
 +
CUT TO:
 +
 +
Ace nervously whistling as he wipes his fingerprints off the hook.
 +
 +
INT. IRONWORKS FACTORY - FACTORY
 +
 +
Ace checks on Snowflake then goes to Marino. He signals for Dan to keep quiet, then starts to untie him.
 +
 +
MARINO
 +
 +
(whispers)
 +
 +
Who are you?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(whispers)
 +
 +
Ace Ventura. Pet detective. I've been sent in with a special play.
 +
 +
(whispers)
 +
 +
Quarterback sneak.
 +
 +
WE HEAR THE CLICK OF A GUN.
 +
 +
EINHORN (O.S.)
 +
 +
Penalty. Too many men on the field.
 +
 +
Ace turns. Einhorn's holding a gun on them from the other side of Snowflake's tank.
 +
 +
EINHORN (CON'T)
 +
 +
I warned you, Ventura.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
What happened to "Ace"?
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Good question.
 +
 +
She pulls out a cellular phone and dials.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Be careful with that phone, lieutenant. I wouldn't want you to get a tumor.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
(into phone)
 +
 +
Sergeant Aguado, it's Lt. Einhorn. Get some men over to the old ironworks factory on Victoria Road. I've got the kidnapper trapped in the warehouse. It's Ace Ventura. He's killed Marino and Snowflake.
 +
 +
Einhorn smiles as she puts the phone away.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Vinnie! Roc! Get in here!
 +
 +
Ace gets a very guilty look.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
What? Who are they? You mean there's other people here?
 +
 +
EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY
 +
 +
A battalion of cop cars screech away as we hear…
 +
 +
RADIO DISPATCHER
 +
 +
(V.O.)
 +
 +
Attention all units. Code 11 in progress at 343 Victorville Road. Officer needs back-up…
 +
 +
INT. BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM OWNER'S BOX - DAY
 +
 +
The cops and Emilio listen to their ear pieces…
 +
 +
RADIO DISPATCHER
 +
 +
(V.O.)
 +
 +
…Suspect's name: Ace Ventura, male Caucasian, he is armed and dangerous…
 +
 +
Emilio nudges Melissa.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
It's Ace. Let's go.
 +
 +
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
 +
 +
Emilio high tails it out of there. Dodging concession stand patrons, bathroom lines, etc… Melissa runs behind, trying to catch up.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Emilio, is he in trouble?
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
Don't worry, there's nothing Ace can't handle!
 +
 +
INT. IRONWORKS FACTORY - DAY
 +
 +
Einhorn cocks her gun. Ace's face is glistening with tears. He's a complete wreck.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Don't kill meeee!! Pleeheeheeheeheeeezzz!!! I'll never tell anyone! I swear!
 +
 +
(indicating Marino)
 +
 +
He's the one you want!! Kill him!!
 +
 +
MARINO
 +
 +
(indicating Ace)
 +
 +
No… kill him!
 +
 +
The two argue. Einhorn fires a shot in the air to stop them.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
No, I'm gonna kill the dolphin first.
 +
 +
(to Ace)
 +
 +
I wouldn't want you to miss that.
 +
 +
Einhorn walks to the edge of the tank. She aims the gun at Snowflake and FIRES!
 +
 +
We see the bullet miss Snowflake under water.
 +
 +
Snowflake swims wildly. She FIRES again! Misses again. Suddenly, Ace HOLLERS!
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Blue forty-two!!
 +
 +
Einhorn turns to Ace.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
SHUT UP!!
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
BLUE FORTY-TWO!
 +
 +
Einhorn shoots at Ace! He dives out of the way.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
HUT! HUT!
 +
 +
Suddenly, Snowflake leaps out of the water and takes the gun out of Einhorn's hand, like the trick we saw earlier. Snowflake swims around the pool with the gun in his mouth.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(smug)
 +
 +
Yes. The highly trained dolphin. Perhaps the smartest mammal in the animal kingdom. See how he knew exactly what I wanted him to do, as if our minds were somehow in complete synchronization. They have been know to save men at sea you know. They have their own language.
 +
 +
(to Snowflake)
 +
 +
Snowflake. Come here, Snowflake! Bring me the gun!
 +
 +
(makes dolphin sounds)
 +
 +
EEEEEE! EEEEEE! EEEEEE!
 +
 +
Just like the trick in his routine, however, Snowflake swims around the tank, passes Ace, then hands the gun back to Einhorn. He finishes with a tail walk.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(under his breath)
 +
 +
Stupid fish.
 +
 +
ON TV: Miami's kicker boots a perfect field goal from fifty yards.
 +
 +
JOHN MADDEN
 +
 +
He got all of his leg into that one!
 +
 +
The field goal kicker is hugged by his teammates.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Good to see someone who doesn't buckle under the pressure?
 +
 +
MARINO
 +
 +
Yeah, not like in 82 when we choked…
 +
 +
Einhorn walks to Ace and puts the gun against his head.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
What would you know about pressure?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Well, I've kissed a man.
 +
 +
JOHN MADDEN (ON TV)
 +
 +
Of course, there's never been a more crucial kick than the famous Kick heard 'round the world…
 +
 +
The famous footage airs on TV. They all turn to watch.
 +
 +
JOHN MADDEN
 +
 +
…I mean, it's clear to me that it was a good hold. Finkle just booted it.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
The laces weren't out. THE LACES WEREN'T OUT!!
 +
 +
Einhorn takes a shot at the screen, creating a hole in Madden's forehead. Ace uses the moment to smack the gun out of her hand.
 +
 +
A HUGE, NO-HOLDS-BARRED FIGHT ensues. Ace and Einhorn punch each other about the face and stomach.
 +
 +
Einhorn throws a punch at Ace. Ace goes down.
 +
 +
Einhorn goes for the loose gun. Ace leaps and tackles her.
 +
 +
They both crash into old rusty equipment, raising a mountain of dust. Marino struggles all the while trying to get free.
 +
 +
Einhorn kicks Ace. He flies into Marino.
 +
 +
MARINO
 +
 +
Having a little trouble with the lady, Ace?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(out of breath)
 +
 +
You don't understand, she's a –
 +
 +
Einhorn grabs Ace, throws him into a head lock and begins wailing on his face.
 +
 +
Meanwhile, cops start arriving, SWAT team members disperse onto the catwalk as the fight continues. They try but can't get a bead on Ace as the two roll around on the floor.
 +
 +
More punches. They fight up a flight of stairs, then back down. To the amazement of the SWAT team, Ace and Einhorn slug it out as equals.
 +
 +
AGUADO
 +
 +
(caught up)
 +
 +
Get him, Lois!
 +
 +
Now they crash through a plate glass window together. Ace gets to his knees first and wobbles toward the gun. It's the first clear shot the SWAT team has had.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
(screaming)
 +
 +
Shoot him! Shoot him!
 +
 +
We all hear the guns cocked. We see Ace in the rifle sights. We see fingers twitch on triggers.
 +
 +
A loud voice comes from off camera.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
DON'T SHOOT! HOLD YOUR FIRE!
 +
 +
Melissa is holding Emilio's gun under his chin.
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
Put down your guns or this cop gets it!
 +
 +
The SWAT team hesitates.
 +
 +
MELISSA (CONT'D)
 +
 +
I mean it!!
 +
 +
Much to Emilio's surprise, she cocks the gun.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
(whispers to Melissa)
 +
 +
Ah… Melissa? That's a hair trigger.
 +
 +
(loud to cops)
 +
 +
She's not joking!
 +
 +
The SWAT team leader signals his men. They lower their guns. Einhorn gets back to her feet.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
He kidnapped Snowflake. He killed Roger Podacter, and he was about to kill Dan Marino and me!
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Ho, ho! Fiction can be fun! But I find the reference section much more enlightening.
 +
 +
(doing his best Clarence Darrow)
 +
 +
For instance, if you were to look up 'professional football's all time bonehead plays', you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed a twenty-six yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl Seventeen.
 +
 +
(in one breath)
 +
 +
What you wouldn't read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, and was committed to a mental institute, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hker, seducing her way to the top, in a diabolical plan to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the entire thing!!!
 +
 +
Ace gasps for air. Everyone is totally confused.
 +
 +
AGUADO
 +
 +
What the hell are you trying to say?
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
She's not Lois Einhorn! She's Ray Finkle! She's a man!
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
He's lying! Shoot him!
 +
 +
Ace walks over to her.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Let's just see who's lying. Would a real woman have to wear one of these?
 +
 +
Ace dramatically pulls at Einhorn's hair, thinking it's a wig. Einhorn's head flies back. The hair is real. Ace keeps tugging it.
 +
 +
The SWAT team ready themselves.
 +
 +
ACE (CONT'D)
 +
 +
Boy, that's really on there! But tell me this: Would a real woman be missing these?!
 +
 +
Ace rips open Einhorn's blouse, and reveals two beautiful feminine breasts.
 +
 +
The sharp shooters are tensing. Ace is laughing nervously now.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Ha, ha, ha! That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend! But I doubt if she could find the time during her busy schedule to get rid of Mr. Knish!!
 +
 +
Ace rips off Einhorn's skirt. Einhorn now stands there fully nude. She appears to be the perfect figure of a woman.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Oooh boy.
 +
 +
Ace looks at Melissa and Emilio and shrugs his shoulders. Then, just when it seems all is lost, Dan Marino who is back behind Einhorn, motions for Ace to come over.
 +
 +
MARINO
 +
 +
Psst… Ace. Come here.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
(to everyone)
 +
 +
Could you excuse me just a second.
 +
 +
Ace goes to Dan. Melissa still holds Emilio hostage.
 +
 +
EINHORN
 +
 +
Shoot him. Shoot him, now!!
 +
 +
MELISSA
 +
 +
(to cops)
 +
 +
Don't anybody make a move!
 +
 +
Marino whispers something in his ear. Ace looks confident again. He once more addresses the crowd.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Ladies and gentlemen, my esteemed colleague Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal minds can be wrong, from time to time. But, if I have been mistaken… if the lieutenant is indeed a woman… then my friends, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen!!!
 +
 +
Ace spins Einhorn around now, exposing to the world, the healthy set of male genetalia that Finkle has learned to keep tucked between his legs. (And if we have any balls, we'll actually show it.)
 +
 +
Everyone gasps. CLOSE UP ON EINHORN/FINKLE. He finally drops the facade.
 +
 +
FINKLE
 +
 +
(deepest voice possible)
 +
 +
It was Marino's fault. The laces were in.
 +
 +
(breaking down now)
 +
 +
They were IN!!!
 +
 +
Quick cuts of all the cops spitting with disgust. Then Emilio spits.
 +
 +
Then CLOSE ON Marino spitting. They all have kissed her/him/it. Even Snowflake blows his spout.
 +
 +
Ace confidently cracks a sunflower seed.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
Somebody read it its rights.
 +
 +
Suddenly, Finkle picks up a shard of broken glass and lunges at Ace.
 +
 +
FINKLE
 +
 +
DIE ANIMAL BOYYYYY!!!
 +
 +
Thinking fast Ace sidesteps Finkle and sends him head first into Snowflake's makeshift tank. After a few seconds Finkle fights his way to the surface and thrashes around, helplessly.
 +
 +
FINKLE
 +
 +
(gasping for air)
 +
 +
Help I can't swim!!!
 +
 +
Finkle goes under again. We see him under water sinking down.
 +
 +
Snowflake swims to him now, allowing him to grab onto his fin and pulls Finkle gently to the side of the pool. Finkle lies there exhausted.
 +
 +
Ace reaches down into frame, removing the '82 AFC Championship ring from Finkle's finger. We see that it's the ring with the missing stone. Ace replaces it with the stone in his pocket. It's a perfect fit.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
LLLOOOSER! LLOO HOO SERR HERR HERR!!!
 +
 +
Melissa is still holding the gun on Emilio.
 +
 +
EMILIO
 +
 +
Melissa… you can give me back my gun now.
 +
 +
Melissa has forgotten she even had the gun. She hands it to Emilio and faints in his arms.
 +
 +
Now Aguado appears beside Ace.
 +
 +
AGUADO
 +
 +
I don't know how you did it, Ventura… but that was damn good police work. Alright guys, let's wrap this up!
 +
 +
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
 +
 +
Twenty or more police cars in single file provide more than ample escort for…
 +
 +
…Ace and Marino in Ace's Chevy Bel-Aire with the cracked windshield. Both of them have their heads sticking out so that they can see. Marino has a wad of gum in his mouth.
 +
 +
HIGH ANGLE
 +
 +
The long line of flashing lights and cop cars drives at top speed up Route One. Ace's Bel-Aire right in the middle.
 +
 +
MARINO (O.S.)
 +
 +
hey Ace?
 +
 +
ACE (O.S.)
 +
 +
Yeah, Dan?
 +
 +
MARINO (O.S.)
 +
 +
Got any more gum?
 +
 +
CUT TO:
 +
 +
INT. STADIUM - DAY
 +
 +
The Super Bowl Halftime Show is in progress. Marino is in uniform warming up. Emilio is drooling at the cheerleaders. Ace and Melissa are standing near the fifty yard line taking in the awesome spectacle.
 +
 +
Some fireworks go off around the tank. A marching band plays a triumphant tune. We see a helicopter come up over the side of the stadium carrying Snowflake.
 +
 +
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
 +
 +
Ladies and gentlemen, the Miami Dolphins are proud to welcome back to BOBBY RIDDLE Stadium, our beloved mascot and star of the halftime show…
 +
 +
ANGLE ON
 +
 +
The helicopter lowering Snowflake into his tank.
 +
 +
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
 +
 +
Snowflake!!
 +
 +
As the crowd roars, Melissa turns to Ace, and with Snowflake in the background performing spectacular flips, they kiss.
 +
 +
ANOTHER ANGLE
 +
 +
As Melissa and Ace kiss, the prized 'White Pigeon' lands on a Gatorade dispenser in the foreground. Ace spots it and starts to make a move.
 +
 +
Just as he closes in for the grab, the Philadelphia Eagles mascot eagle walks up to get a drink and shoos the pigeon away. Ace is furious.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
You idiot! Do you know what you've done?!
 +
 +
The giant eagle head looks up at Ace.
 +
 +
MASCOT
 +
 +
Huh?
 +
 +
Ace grabs him.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
You just cost me ten thousand bucks, Polly!
 +
 +
MASCOT
 +
 +
Yeah Blow me.
 +
 +
ACE
 +
 +
REE HEE HEE HEELYYY?!!!
 +
 +
PULL BACK to find Eagle's mascot and Ace arguing. We can't hear what's said, but there's a lot of finger pointing.
 +
 +
Emilio stops his leering to check out what's going on.
 +
 +
The ANNOUNCER up in the booth reads a release.
 +
 +
ANNOUNCER
 +
 +
The National Football League would now like to offer a special thank you to the man who rescued Dan Marino and our beloved Snowflake…
 +
 +
On the field the mascot shoves Ace. Ace shoves back.
 +
 +
ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)
 +
 +
A great humanitarian, and lover of all animals… Mr. Ace Ventura!
 +
 +
Ace is straddling the eagle, pounding the shit out of giant head.
 +
 +
The image is flashed on the big stadium screen. We freeze frame on this huge picture of Ace, as he looks into camera with his fist raised.
 +
 +
MUSIC UP: THRASH METAL
 +
 +
ROLL CREDITS
 +
 +
THE END

Revision as of 08:42, 20 April 2017

[The music Reminded by Drowning Pool plays]

Bardock: Frieza! I'm coming for you, you murderous self-serving traitor! It's over!

Frieza's soldiers: All hail, Lord Frieza!

Bardock: [Chuckling] No way, Frieza. You lived long enough! Actually it's been too long far for my taste. Frieza, listen up! We quit! All of us! Got it!? We don't work for you anymore! We're free! You can find someone else to do your dirty work! Oh yeah! [Chuckling] There's one last thing... [Charges a Final Spirit Cannon]

Narrator: Deployed on a routine military operation, the Saiyan baby Kakarot flies toward Earth, missing the deadly surprise attack on his home planet. His father Bardock confronts the assailants, Frieza and his entire army, alone.

Bardock: This is for all the people we killed in your name! Here, have it! [launches a Final Spirit Cannon]

Frieza: [Evil Laughter]

[uses his Death Ball, as the Final Spirit Cannon has no effect on the Death Ball]

Bardock: No way!

[Everyone screams, as Bardock gets hit by the Death Ball, causing his armor to disintegrate; inside a nearby spaceship, Cooler and his henchmen watch Bardock's death]

Dore: That's the guy right there, Bardock.

Salza: He doesn't look so frightening to me. Anyway, he's space dust now. And there goes the whole monkey farm. Now, this is light entertainment. [Salza notices Goku in his space pod.]

Hm? What's this? Someone's getting away! Magnify the image!

Neiz: Right, I'm on it Salza!

Salza: I want an interior view as well!

Neiz: That's it, got it.

Salza: Where does he think he's going?!

Neiz: It looks like he's heading towards a planet called Earth! Intercept course?

Salza: Yes.

Cooler: Belay that order.

Doore: Sire!

Neiz: Yes sir!

Salza: But.. someone is escaping!

Cooler: Frieza is the one in charge of this quadrant, let him clean up his own mess. I've got seven planets to destroy by the end of the day. Why should I allow myself to get behind schedule just to cover his mistake?

Besides, he's just a Saiyan child. He's no threat to us. [Cooler stares at Frieza laughing on the monitor.]

Ah, look at him! What foolishness! He's so pleased with that himself he's blinded by his arrogant pride! That could be King Vegeta on that space pod for all he knows!

You've got a lot to learn, brother. Let's get out of here!

[Opening]

[at Roshi's Island, Goku trains and launches Kamehameha on the water]

Master Roshi: Look at that! I can see clear to the main land, Goku! That's amazing!

Goku: Awesome huh? Watch this. I can make the walls go higher!

Master Roshi (thinking to himself): Remarkable. He's never trained harder, but he's so relaxed and talkative about it. Beating Frieza changed him.

[[[Goku's House]]]

Gohan: [Doing work] There... divide that by 10...

Chi-Chi: Hi! I thought my little scholar might be thirsty. Here's some tea. [Notices Icarus in window] Hm? Hey! What do think you're doing? I know what you're up to. Now you get out of here.

Goku: Icarus, leave Gohan alone, he's trying to finish his homework.

Chi-Chi: What? Did you hear what your father just said? He told Icarus to leave you alone because you were doing your... homework. Goku? Are you feeling ok, honey?

Goku: Oh yeah, I'm feeling just fine.

Chi-Chi: Are you sure you don't have a fever, Goku? You sound a little strange.

Goku: No, I feel great. I just want Gohan to finish his homework.

Chi-Chi: Yep, I knew it, I knew it. Goku has never cared if you finish your homework. Gohan, I'm afraid there's something seriously wrong with your father. I wonder if all this fighting has finally knocked a few screws loose in Goku's head. That's it! He must have bruised his brain...


Gohan: Betcha never thought you could fly this fast. Did ya? [Giggling, as Salza, Neiz and Dore pop out]

Salza: So, going somewhere, monkey boy?

Gohan: Uh oh! Icarus, let's get out of here, quick!

Dore: Let em have it, Salza!

Neiz: [Laughing]

[Salza launches his Finger Beam attack on Icarus' wings as Gohan loses control, and the music Falling Down by Breaking Point plays]

Gohan: It's okay I gotcha. [Dore kicks Gohan causing Icarus to fall in the woods] Icarus! [The Armored Squadron hit Gohan causing Dore to grab Gohan}

Dore: [chuckling] Huh? Hey, whatcha got in the bag there, monkey boy. [uses his hands to get the bad] Give it here. Give it. Alright! That's it! You're going bye-bye, kid! [Gohan growls in frustration] I call this mine can-opener with your attack. [he gets blasted in the back by an energy blast]

Neiz: Dore!

Dore: Who did that!?

Piccolo: That would be me!

Salza: A Namek? Out here?

Dore: [about Planet Namek] Why isn't that toad on his own world where he belongs?

Neiz: Frieza blew it up.

Dore: Oh, oh yeah. Yeah.

Gohan: Yeah. Piccolo.

Dore: [to Piccolo] It's all over for you, Namek! You're going to die!

Piccolo: Not likely. [takes off his turban] I've seen you fight.

Dore: I'M GOING RIP YOU APART!!! [Launches up and punches Piccolo's cape] Where'd he go!

[Piccolo appears and hits Dore in the helmet causing him to fall to the ground]

Dore: DARN IT!! I...CAN'T... [blasts Doore, he screams and dies and explodes]

Neiz: Dore. [to Piccolo] You're dead! [growls in frustration, when using a pink shock wave with Piccolo fighting with Salza] Have it! [blasts Piccolo]

Salza: [Evil laughter] You look like a buch of dear caught in the headlights! [Laughs evilly] You lose suckers! Now die! [Piccolo launches a Special Beam Cannon and shot Salza in the back, as he starts gasping, and falls over]

Goku and Krillin: Huh?

Gohan: I don't see him. [giggles] Piccolo! I know you're there! Come out! Piccolo!

[later, Piccolo drinks water, and regenerates as the song Phoneix by Breaking Point plays]

[Credits]


SEINFIEEEEEEELDLEDLELDE

According to all known laws of aviation,


there is no way a bee should be able to fly.


Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.


The bee, of course, flies anyway


because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.


Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.


Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.


Barry! Breakfast is ready!


Ooming!


Hang on a second.


Hello?


- Barry? - Adam?


- Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.


Looking sharp.


Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.


Sorry. I'm excited.


Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.


A perfect report card, all B's.


Very proud.


Ma! I got a thing going here.


- You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!


- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!


Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!


- Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry.


- Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation.


Never thought I'd make it.


Three days grade school, three days high school.


Those were awkward.


Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive.


You did come back different.


- Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.


- Hear about Frankie? - Yeah.


- You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going.


Everybody knows, sting someone, you die.


Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead.


I guess he could have just gotten out of the way.


I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day.


That's why we don't need vacations.


Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances.


- Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are!


- Bee-men. - Amen!


Hallelujah!


Students, faculty, distinguished bees,


please welcome Dean Buzzwell.


Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of...


...9:15.


That concludes our ceremonies.


And begins your career at Honex Industries!


Will we pick ourjob today?


I heard it's just orientation.


Heads up! Here we go.


Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times.


- Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary.


Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco


and a part of the Hexagon Group.


This is it!


Wow.


Wow.


We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life


to get to the point where you can work for your whole life.


Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.


Our top-secret formula


is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured


into this soothing sweet syrup


with its distinctive golden glow you know as...


Honey!


- That girl was hot. - She's my cousin!


- She is? - Yes, we're all cousins.


- Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive


to improve every aspect of bee existence.


These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology.


- What do you think he makes? - Not enough.


Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman.


- What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey


that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions.


Oan anyone work on the Krelman?


Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know


that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot.


But choose carefully


because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life.


The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that.


What's the difference?


You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off


in 27 million years.


So you'll just work us to death?


We'll sure try.


Wow! That blew my mind!


"What's the difference?" How can you say that?


One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make.


I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life.


But, Adam, how could they never have told us that?


Why would you question anything? We're bees.


We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth.


You ever think maybe things work a little too well here?


Like what? Give me one example.


I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about.


Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach.


Wait a second. Oheck it out.


- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow.


I've never seen them this close.


They know what it's like outside the hive.


Yeah, but some don't come back.


- Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks!


You guys did great!


You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!


- I wonder where they were. - I don't know.


Their day's not planned.


Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what.


You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that.


Right.


Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime.


It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it.


Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it.


Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too?


Distant. Distant.


Look at these two.


- Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them.


It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock.


Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom!


He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me!


- Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out.


What were you doing during this?


Trying to alert the authorities.


I can autograph that.


A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades?


Yeah. Gusty.


We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow.


- Six miles, huh? - Barry!


A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it.


- Maybe I am. - You are not!


We're going 0900 at J-Gate.


What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough?


I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means.


Hey, Honex!


Dad, you surprised me.


You decide what you're interested in?


- Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one.


Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day?


Son, let me tell you about stirring.


You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around.


You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing.


You know, Dad, the more I think about it,


maybe the honey field just isn't right for me.


You were thinking of what, making balloon animals?


That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger.


Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey!


- Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny.


You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer!


- You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me!


Wait till you see the sticks I have.


I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!


Let's open some honey and celebrate!


Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae.


Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!


I'm so proud.


- We're starting work today! - Today's the day.


Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone.


Yeah, right.


Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal...


- Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left!


One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side.


- What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar!


Wow!


Oouple of newbies?


Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!


Make your choice.


- You want to go first? - No, you go.


Oh, my. What's available?


Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think.


- Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on.


I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.


Wax monkey's always open.


The Krelman opened up again.


What happened?


A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one.


Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.


Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life!


Oh, this is so hard!


Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,


humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,


mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry?


Barry!


All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine...


What happened to you? Where are you?


- I'm going out. - Out? Out where?


- Out there. - Oh, no!


I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life.


You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?


Another call coming in.


If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd


that gets their roses today.


Hey, guys.


- Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?


Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.


It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.


Really? Feeling lucky, are you?


Sign here, here. Just initial that.


- Thank you. - OK.


You got a rain advisory today,


and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain.


So be careful. As always, watch your brooms,


hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats.


Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us.


Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada!


- That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies,


bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans!


All right, launch positions!


Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!


Black and yellow!


Hello!


You ready for this, hot shot?


Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.


Wind, check.


- Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check.


- Wings, check. - Stinger, check.


Scared out of my shorts, check.


OK, ladies,


let's move it out!


Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers!


All of you, drain those flowers!


Wow! I'm out!


I can't believe I'm out!


So blue.


I feel so fast and free!


Box kite!


Wow!


Flowers!


This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual.


Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.


Roses!


30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.


Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick.


That is one nectar collector!


- Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir.


I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there,


a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic.


That's amazing. Why do we do that?


That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.


Oool.


I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?


Oopy that visual.


Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move.


Say again? You're reporting a moving flower?


Affirmative.


That was on the line!


This is the coolest. What is it?


I don't know, but I'm loving this color.


It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it.


Yeah, fuzzy.


Ohemical-y.


Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.


My sweet lord of bees!


Oandy-brain, get off there!


Problem!


- Guys! - This could be bad.


Affirmative.


Very close.


Gonna hurt.


Mama's little boy.


You are way out of position, rookie!


Ooming in at you like a missile!


Help me!


I don't think these are flowers.


- Should we tell him? - I think he knows.


What is this?!


Match point!


You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it!


Yowser!


Gross.


There's a bee in the car!


- Do something! - I'm driving!


- Hi, bee. - He's back here!


He's going to sting me!


Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze!


He blinked!


Spray him, Granny!


What are you doing?!


Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable.


I gotta get home.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!


Ken, could you close the window please?


Ken, could you close the window please?


Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure.


You see? Folds out.


Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.


What was that?


Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This...


Drapes!


That is diabolical.


It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.


What's number one? Star Wars?


Nah, I don't go for that...


...kind of stuff.


No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds.


When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.


There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.


I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it.


I predicted global warming.


I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me.


Wait! Stop! Bee!


Stand back. These are winter boots.


Wait!


Don't kill him!


You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me!


Why does his life have less value than yours?


Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement?


I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling.


My brochure!


There you go, little guy.


I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing.


Put that on your resume brochure.


My whole face could puff up.


Make it one of your special skills.


Knocking someone out is also a special skill.


Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.


- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.


- You could put carob chips on there. - Bye.


- Supposed to be less calories. - Bye.


I gotta say something.


She saved my life. I gotta say something.


All right, here it goes.


Nah.


What would I say?


I could really get in trouble.


It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human.


I can't believe I'm doing this.


I've got to.


Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!


No. Yes. No.


Do it. I can't.


How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good.


Here she comes! Speak, you fool!


Hi!


I'm sorry.


- You're talking. - Yes, I know.


You're talking!


I'm so sorry.


No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming.


But I don't recall going to bed.


Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting.


This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee!


I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this,


but they were all trying to kill me.


And if it wasn't for you...


I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised.


That was a little weird.


- I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah.


I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me!


I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now.


- Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What?


The talking thing.


Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.


- That's very funny. - Yeah.


Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with.


Anyway...


Oan I...


...get you something? - Like what?


I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee?


I don't want to put you out.


It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.


- It's just coffee. - I hate to impose.


- Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup.


Hey, you want rum cake?


- I shouldn't. - Have some.


- No, I can't. - Oome on!


I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.


- Where? - These stripes don't help.


You look great!


I don't know if you know anything about fashion.


Are you all right?


No.


He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison.


He finally gets there.


He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on.


And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan.


Why would I marry a watermelon?"


Is that a bee joke?


That's the kind of stuff we do.


Yeah, different.


So, what are you gonna do, Barry?


About work? I don't know.


I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want.


I know how you feel.


- You do? - Sure.


My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.


- Really? - My only interest is flowers.


Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan.


Anyway, if you look...


There's my hive right there. See it?


You're in Sheep Meadow!


Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!


No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once.


- Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not?


- It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that.


- You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine.


Just having two cups of coffee!


Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee.


Yeah, it's no trouble.


Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life.


Are you...?


Oan I take a piece of this with me?


Sure! Here, have a crumb.


- Thanks! - Yeah.


All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around.


Or not.


OK, Barry.


And thank you so much again... for before.


Oh, that? That was nothing.


Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...


This can't possibly work.


He's all set to go. We may as well try it.


OK, Dave, pull the chute.


- Sounds amazing. - It was amazing!


It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life.


Humans! I can't believe you were with humans!


Giant, scary humans! What were they like?


Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.


They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy.


- Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't.


- How'd you get back? - Poodle.


You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see.


You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal.


- Well... - Well?


Well, I met someone.


You did? Was she Bee-ish?


- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp.


- Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders.


I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all.


I can't get by that face.


So who is she?


She's... human.


No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law.


- Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy.


She's so nice. And she's a florist!


Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!


We're not dating.


You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes


with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite!


She saved my life! And she understands me.


This is over!


Eat this.


This is not over! What was that?


- They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey!


And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat!


- You know what a Oinnabon is? - No.


It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up...


Sit down!


...really hot! - Listen to me!


We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them!


Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning?


There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me!


You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee!


- Thinking bee. - Thinking bee.


Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


There he is. He's in the pool.


You know what your problem is, Barry?


I gotta start thinking bee?


How much longer will this go on?


It's been three days! Why aren't you working?


I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about.


What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee!


Would it kill you to make a little honey?


Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you.


Martin, would you talk to him?


Barry, I'm talking to you!


You coming?


Got everything?


All set!


Go ahead. I'll catch up.


Don't be too long.


Watch this!


Vanessa!


- We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him.


He doesn't respond to yelling!


- Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen!


I'm not listening to this.


Sorry, I've gotta go.


- Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend.


A girl? Is this why you can't decide?


Bye.


I just hope she's Bee-ish.


They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena?


To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream!


Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering.


A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events?


No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere?


It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster.


Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn.


TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane!


You don't have that?


We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease.


Oh, my.


Dumb bees!


You must want to sting all those jerks.


We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us.


So you have to watch your temper.


Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk,


write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion:


Anger, jealousy, lust.


Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?


Yeah.


- What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug.


He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep!


What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?


Yeah, it was. How did you know?


It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.


You've really got that down to a science.


- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet.


What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this?


How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,


Ray Liotta Private Select?


- Is he that actor? - I never heard of him.


- Why is this here? - For people. We eat it.


You don't have enough food of your own?


- Well, yes. - How do you get it?


- Bees make it. - I know who makes it!


And it's hard to make it!


There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing!


- It's organic. - It's our-ganic!


It's just honey, Barry.


Just what?!


Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing!


You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have!


And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this.


I'm getting to the bottom of all of this!


Hey, Hector.


- You almost done? - Almost.


He is here. I sense it.


Well, I guess I'll go home now


and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around.


You're busted, box boy!


I knew I heard something. So you can talk!


I can talk. And now you'll start talking!


Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier?


I don't understand. I thought we were friends.


The last thing we want to do is upset bees!


You're too late! It's ours now!


You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword!


You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio!


Where is the honey coming from?


Tell me where!


Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!


Orazy person!


What horrible thing has happened here?


These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now


they're on the road to nowhere!


Just keep still.


What? You're not dead?


Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed?


To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here.


I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off!


I'm going to Tacoma.


- And you? - He really is dead.


All right.


Uh-oh!


- What is that?! - Oh, no!


- A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade?


Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!


Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?!


How much do you people need to see?!


Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window!


From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell.


But don't kill no more bugs!


- Bee! - Moose blood guy!!


- You hear something? - Like what?


Like tiny screaming.


Turn off the radio.


Whassup, bee boy?


Hey, Blood.


Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see.


Wow!


I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it.


I mean, that honey's ours.


- Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in.


It's a close community.


Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own.


- What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble.


Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack!


At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls.


Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly.


Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.


You got to be kidding me!


Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee!


- Hey, guys! - Mooseblood!


I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw?


We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit.


What is this place?


A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead.


They are pinheads!


Pinhead.


- Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.


The Thomas 3000!


Smoker?


Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar.


A couple breaths of this knocks them right out.


They make the honey, and we make the money.


"They make the honey, and we make the money"?


Oh, my!


What's going on? Are you OK?


Yeah. It doesn't last too long.


Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls?


Our queen was moved here. We had no choice.


This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes!


That's a drag queen!


What is this?


Oh, no!


There's hundreds of them!


Bee honey.


Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale!


This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something.


Oh, Barry, stop.


Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor.


Do these look like rumors?


That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos.


How did you get mixed up in this?


He's been talking to humans.


- What? - Talking to humans?!


He has a human girlfriend. And they make out!


Make out? Barry!


We do not.


- You wish you could. - Whose side are you on?


The bees!


I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night.


Barry, this is what you want to do with your life?


I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees!


Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked


your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop.


I remember that.


What right do they have to our honey?


We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!


Even if it's true, what can one bee do?


Sting them where it really hurts.


In the face! The eye!


- That would hurt. - No.


Up the nose? That's a killer.


There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters.


Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source.


No more bee beards!


With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.


Weather with Storm Stinger.


Sports with Buzz Larvi.


And Jeanette Ohung.


- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung.


A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,


intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey,


packaging it and profiting from it illegally!


Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,


we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book,


Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon.


Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.


Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"?


Bees have never been afraid to change the world.


What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?


Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.


We were thinking of stickball or candy stores.


How old are you?


The bee community is supporting you in this case,


which will be the trial of the bee century.


You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too.


It's a common name. Next week...


He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots...


Next week...


Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em.


Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live.


Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish.


In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness!


It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.


Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that?


Quiet, please. Actual work going on here.


- Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is!


I'm helping him sue the human race.


- Hello. - Hello, bee.


This is Ken.


Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.


Why does he talk again?


Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working.


But it's our yogurt night!


Bye-bye.


Why is yogurt night so difficult?!


You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours!


Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help.


- Frosting... - How many sugars?


Just one. I try not to use the competition.


So why are you helping me?


Bees have good qualities.


And it takes my mind off the shop.


Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now.


Those are great, if you're three.


And artificial flowers.


- Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too.


Bent stingers, pointless pollination.


Bees must hate those fake things!


Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done.


Maybe this could make up for it a little bit.


- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess.


You sure you want to go through with it?


Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able


to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty!


It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan,


where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history,


we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak.


What have we gotten into here, Barry?


It's pretty big, isn't it?


I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day.


You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers?


Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade.


- What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill.


Well, if it isn't the bee team.


You boys work on this?


All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding.


All right. Oase number 4475,


Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry


is now in session.


Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively?


A privilege.


Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world?


I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed.


Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please.


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,


my grandmother was a simple woman.


Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right


to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us.


If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines,


just think of what would it mean.


I would have to negotiate with the silkworm


for the elastic in my britches!


Talking bee!


How do we know this isn't some sort of


holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry?


They could be using laser beams!


Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know,


he could be on steroids!


Mr. Benson?


Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here.


I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me.


It's important to all bees. We invented it!


We make it. And we protect it with our lives.


Unfortunately, there are some people in this room


who think they can take it from us


'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over,


you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have


but everything we are!


I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice!


Oall your first witness.


So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have.


I suppose so.


I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron!


Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms.


Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term.


I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you?


- No. - I couldn't hear you.


- No. - No.


Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that,


it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey.


They're very lovable creatures.


Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.


You mean like this?


Bears kill bees!


How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?!


Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows!


OK, that's enough. Take him away.


So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me.


- Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police.


But you've never been a police officer, have you?


No, I haven't.


No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example


of bee culture casually stolen by a human


for nothing more than a prance-about stage name.


Oh, please.


Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?


Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting.


Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!


That's not his real name?! You idiots!


Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on


your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005.


Thank you. Thank you.


I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome


with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow.


I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?


Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you?


Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't


have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir?


Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now!


This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella!


Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?!


- Order in this court! - You're all thinking it!


Order! Order, I say!


- Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down!


I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that.


I think the jury's on our side.


Are we doing everything right, legally?


I'm a florist.


Right. Well, here's to a great team.


To a great team!


Well, hello.


- Ken! - Hello.


I didn't think you were coming.


No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery.


I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.


Oh, that was lucky.


There's a little left. I could heat it up.


Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.


So I hear you're quite a tennis player.


I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby.


That's where I usually sit. Right... there.


Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,


and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill.


You think I don't see what you're doing?


I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common.


Do we?


Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out.


That's just what I was thinking about doing.


Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.


I'm going to drain the old stinger.


Yeah, you do that.


Look at that.


You know, I've just about had it


with your little mind games.


- What's that? - Italian Vogue.


Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.


A lot of ads.


Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine?


Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!


I think something stinks in here!


I love the smell of flowers.


How do you like the smell of flames?!


Not as much.


Water bug! Not taking sides!


Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic!


I've got issues!


Well, well, well, a royal flush!


- You're bluffing. - Am I?


Surf's up, dude!


Poo water!


That bowl is gnarly.


Except for those dirty yellow rings!


Kenneth! What are you doing?!


You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it!


We need to talk!


He's just a little bee!


And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time!


Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life?


No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them!


Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...


My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster!


Goodbye, Ken.


And for your information,


I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man!


I'm sorry about all that.


I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it!


I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me.


I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well.


Are you OK for the trial?


I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas.


We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.


Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers...


Yeah.


Layton, you've gotta weave some magic


with this jury, or it's gonna be all over.


Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around


is to remind them of what they don't like about bees.


- You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic?


Only to losing, son. Only to losing.


Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know.


What exactly is your relationship


to that woman?


We're friends.


- Good friends? - Yes.


How good? Do you live together?


Wait a minute...


Are you her little...


...bedbug?


I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand,


doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children?


- Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents!


- Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are!


Hold me back!


You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson?


He's denouncing bees!


Don't y'all date your cousins?


- Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy!


Adam, don't! It's what he wants!


Oh, I'm hit!!


Oh, lordy, I am hit!


Order! Order!


The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins!


I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction!


You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages!


Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way!


- Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs.


What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison


from my heaving buttocks?


I will have order in this court. Order!


Order, please!


The case of the honeybees versus the human race


took a pointed turn against the bees


yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery.


- Hey, buddy. - Hey.


- Is there much pain? - Yeah.


I...


I blew the whole case, didn't I?


It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died.


I'd be better off dead. Look at me.


They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.


Look, there's a little celery still on it.


What was it like to sting someone?


I can't explain it. It was all...


All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy!


All right.


You think it was all a trap?


Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this.


What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world.


What will the humans do to us if they win?


I don't know.


I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad.


Adam, they check in, but they don't check out!


Oh, my.


Oould you get a nurse to close that window?


- Why? - The smoke.


Bees don't smoke.


Right. Bees don't smoke.


Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking.


That's it! That's our case!


It is? It's not over?


Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.


Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can.


And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.


Mr. Flayman.


Yes? Yes, Your Honor!


Where is the rest of your team?


Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.


Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,


and as a result, we don't make very good time.


I actually heard a funny story about...


Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs


taken up enough of this court's valuable time?


How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on?


They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges


against my clients, who run legitimate businesses.


I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case!


Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going


to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion.


But you can't! We have a terrific case.


Where is your proof? Where is the evidence?


Show me the smoking gun!


Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun?


Here is your smoking gun.


What is that?


It's a bee smoker!


What, this? This harmless little contraption?


This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee.


Look at what has happened


to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?"


Is this what nature intended for us?


To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines


and man-made wooden slat work camps?


Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man?


- What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card.


Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


Free the bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


The court finds in favor of the bees!


Vanessa, we won!


I knew you could do it! High-five!


Sorry.


I'm OK! You know what this means?


All the honey will finally belong to the bees.


Now we won't have to work so hard all the time.


This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson.


You'll regret this.


Barry, how much honey is out there?


All right. One at a time.


Barry, who are you wearing?


My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants.


- What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean?


We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years.


Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement?


First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps.


Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with,


every last drop.


We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more


than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine.


We're all aware of what they do in the woods.


Wait for my signal.


Take him out.


He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine.


And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames...


But it's just a prance-about stage name!


...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products


and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments.


Oan't breathe.


Bring it in, boys!


Hold it right there! Good.


Tap it.


Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming!


- I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down.


Shut down honey production!


Stop making honey!


Turn your key, sir!


What do we do now?


Oannonball!


We're shutting honey production!


Mission abort.


Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base.


Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there.


Oh, yeah?


What's going on? Where is everybody?


- Are they out celebrating? - They're home.


They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in.


I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket.


At least we got our honey back.


Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't?


It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it.


This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well.


And now...


Now I can't.


I don't understand why they're not happy.


I thought their lives would be better!


They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people.


You don't have any idea what's going on, do you?


- What did you want to show me? - This.


What happened here?


That is not the half of it.


Oh, no. Oh, my.


They're all wilting.


Doesn't look very good, does it?


No.


And whose fault do you think that is?


You know, I'm gonna guess bees.


Bees?


Specifically, me.


I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things.


It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.


That's our whole SAT test right there.


Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom.


And then, of course...


The human species?


So if there's no more pollination,


it could all just go south here, couldn't it?


I know this is also partly my fault.


How about a suicide pact?


How do we do it?


- I'll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice.


Right, right.


Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going.


I had to open my mouth and talk.


Vanessa?


Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going?


To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena.


They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying.


It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it.


Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this.


I know. Me neither.


Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports.


Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?


Roses!


Vanessa!


Roses?!


Barry?


- Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are.


Flowers, bees, pollen!


I know. That's why this is the last parade.


Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down?


Oould you slow down?


Barry!


OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault.


Yes, it kind of is.


I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you


with the flower shop. I've made it worse.


Actually, it's completely closed down.


I thought maybe you were remodeling.


But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined.


I don't want to hear it!


All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen.


I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park.


All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got.


- Bees. - Park.


- Pollen! - Flowers.


- Repollination! - Across the nation!


Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia.


They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy.


Security will be tight.


I have an idea.


Vanessa Bloome, FTD.


Official floral business. It's real.


Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.


Thank you. It was a gift.


Once inside, we just pick the right float.


How about The Princess and the Pea?


I could be the princess, and you could be the pea!


Yes, I got it.


- Where should I sit? - What are you?


- I believe I'm the pea. - The pea?


It goes under the mattresses.


- Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal.


You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco!


Let's see what this baby'll do.


Hey, what are you doing?!


Then all we do is blend in with traffic...


...without arousing suspicion.


Once at the airport, there's no stopping us.


Stop! Security.


- You and your insect pack your float? - Yes.


Has it been in your possession the entire time?


Would you remove your shoes?


- Remove your stinger. - It's part of me.


I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight.


Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job.


Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job!


I think this is gonna work.


It's got to work.


Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott.


We have a bit of bad weather in New York.


It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay.


Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it.


I gotta get up there and talk to them.


Be careful.


Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine?


I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.


Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.


- What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing.


Bee!


Don't freak out! My entire species...


What are you doing?


- Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney?


Don't move.


Oh, Barry.


Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain.


Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit?


And please hurry!


What happened here?


There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded.


One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious!


- Is that another bee joke? - No!


No one's flying the plane!


This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status?


This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York.


Where's the pilot?


He's unconscious, and so is the copilot.


Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience?


As a matter of fact, there is.


- Who's that? - Barry Benson.


From the honey trial?! Oh, great.


Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee.


It's got giant wings, huge engines.


I can't fly a plane.


- Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes.


How hard could it be?


Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning.


This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport,


where a suspenseful scene is developing.


Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory...


That's Barry!


...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers


and an incapacitated flight crew.


Flowers?!


We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls


with absolutely no flight experience.


Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane.


I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres.


They've done enough damage.


But isn't he your only hope?


Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all.


Their wings are too small...


Haven't we heard this a million times?


"The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense."


- Get this on the air! - Got it.


- Stand by. - We're going live.


The way we work may be a mystery to you.


Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs.


But let me tell you about a small job.


If you do it well, it makes a big difference.


More than we realized. To us, to everyone.


That's why I want to get bees back to working together.


That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O.


We get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow! - Hello!


Left, right, down, hover.


- Hover? - Forget hover.


This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep!


Barry, what happened?!


Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time.


- That may have been helping me. - And now we're not!


So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.


All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out!


Move out!


Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane!


Don't have to yell.


I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble.


It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice!


It's not a tone. I'm panicking!


I can't do this!


Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it!


You snap out of it.


You snap out of it.


- You snap out of it! - You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it! - You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it! - You snap out of it!


- Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it's my turn.


How is the plane flying?


I don't know.


Hello?


Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there?


The Pollen Jocks!


They do get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow. - Hello.


All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop.


Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?


No, nothing. It's all cloudy.


Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.


- Thinking bee. - Thinking bee.


Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something.


- What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.


Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.


Bring the nose down.


Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that!


Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK.


Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys?


Affirmative!


Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.


Land on that flower!


Ready? Full reverse!


Spin it around!


- Not that flower! The other one! - Which one?


- That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower!


That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower


made of millions of bees!


Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.


Rotate around it.


- This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly.


Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern?


Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse!


Just drop it. Be a part of it.


Aim for the center!


Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!


Oome on, already.


Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly!


- Yes. No high-five! - Right.


Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower?


What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius!


- Thank you. - But we're not done yet.


Listen, everyone!


This runway is covered with the last pollen


from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth.


That means this is our last chance.


We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this.


If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say?


Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains?


We're bees!


Keychain!


Then follow me! Except Keychain.


Hold on, Barry. Here.


You've earned this.


Yeah!


I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.


Oh, yeah.


That's our Barry.


Mom! The bees are back!


If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time.


I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight!


Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next?


Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.


Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel!


Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat!


I had no idea.


Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment?


Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you.


Sorry I'm late.


He's a lawyer too?


I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase.


Have a great afternoon!


Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere.


No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me.


You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next?


All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly.


Thank you, Barry!


That bee is living my life!


Let it go, Kenny.


- When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go.


- Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is.


Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.


You have got to start thinking bee, my friend.


- Thinking bee! - Me?


Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it.


I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here?


I'm not making a major life decision during a production number!


All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys.


I had virtually no rehearsal for that.


he roars a mighty roar

{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -


Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold


-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.


'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -


-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.


I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}


{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.


If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain


-Princess Fiona.


If you're not into yoga


-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.


-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!


I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation


-Damn!

{Whinnying}


A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me


-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!


And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station


-Ah!

{Laughs}


And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun


-Yeah!


And I don't have to please no one


-The chair! Give him the chair!


And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.


I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way


-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look down.

-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on

moving. Don't look down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - - Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.


{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}


{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}


-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}


{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start


{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}


My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather


-Aah!


She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la


-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.


-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}


See the pyramids along the Nile


-Um, Princess?


Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle


-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.


Just remember, darling all the while


-Are you- -


You belong to me


{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs} 

-Good night.

-Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}


-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?


-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.


I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah, hallelujah


{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.


-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.


I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried


-God bless us, every one.


Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind


-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.


I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late


Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah


I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say


I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah


I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........



I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long


Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............



Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow


There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face


Headline text

ACE VENTURA PET DETECTIVE

Written by Jack Bernstein Tom Shadyac Jim Carrey

EXT. STREET - DAY

A UPS Man with a big pot belly is walking down the street, whistling and carelessly tossing a package in the air. We hear the sound of broken glass in the box. He passes a professional woman.

UPS MAN

Good morning, UPS!

He tosses the box behind his back like a basketball, then acknowledges another passerby.

UPS MAN

UPS, good to see you!

He takes a couple of steps, then flings the package incredibly high into the air, spins completely around and expertly drops to one knee and catches the box. A Hispanic man passes.

UPS MAN

Buenos dias. Uo Pay eSsay.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

The UPS Man dodges a couple of black kids as though playing basketball. He runs up the front steps of the building. He reaches out to open the front door and inadvertently flings the package behind him and back down the steps.

He goes back, retrieves the package, then enters the building.

INT. LOBBY - DAY

Several people stand in the elevator. The UPS Man just makes it, but the door closes on the package... REPEATEDLY. He feigns embarrassment.

INT. 3RD FLOOR - DAY

ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. The UPS Man throws the package out onto the floor and starts kicking it down the hall like a soccer player. With one last big kick the parcel lands in front of APARTMENT 3B. He picks it up and knocks on the door.

We hear a small dog barking.

GRUFF MAN (O.S.)

Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt!

An angry, burly man pokes his nose hairs out the chained door.

GRUFF MAN

What do you want?

UPS MAN

UPS, sir. And how are you this afternoon? Alrighty then!

The man grumpily unchains the door. He's a big guy - 6'5", 250, and 50 of that is chest hair. A small Shiatsu stands beside him.

UPS MAN

I have a package for you.

The UPS guy thrusts the package toward the man. We can clearly hear broken glass inside. The man takes the package.

GRUFF MAN

It sounds broken.

UPS MAN

Most likely sir! I bet it was something nice though! Now... I haver an insurance form. If you'll just sign here, here, and here, and initial here, and print your name here, we'll get the rest of the forms out to you as soon as we can.

The man begrudgingly begins to fill out the form. The dog wags his tail and whines. We can see that he likes the UPS guy.

UPS MAN

That's a lovely dog you have. Do you mind if I pet him, sir?

GRUFF MAN

(mumbles)

I don't give a rat's ass.

The UPS Man bends down and talks to the dog in a really sucky pet talk.

UPS MAN

Oo ja boo ba da boo boo do booo!

GRUFF MAN

(under breath)

Brother.

Before the Gruff Man can finish, the UPS Man stands back up and takes the form again.

UPS MAN

That's fine sir. I can fill out the rest. You just have yourself a good day. Take care, now! 'Bye 'bye, then!

THRASH MUSIC STARTS

INT. HALLWAY -- CONT'D

The UPS Man moves swiftly down the hall and into the stair well.

INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D

The Gruff Man shakes the box, tosses it down and sits in front of the TV.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - CONT'D

The UPS Man bursts from the front door and hustles down the street very quickly. He passes several people.

UPS MAN

(quickly)

UPS, S'cuse me. UPS, comin' through.

INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D

We see the back of the Shiatsu staring at the crack in the front door. He has not moved an inch. The Gruff Man looks over.

GRUFF MAN

Hey, stupid! Get away from the door!

The dog doesn't budge and this really pisses him off. He gets up and heads for the dog.

GRUFF MAN

What's the matter with you, I said GIT!!!

He roughly picks the dog up by the scruff of the neck, but as he turns it around we see that it is a stuffed dog. Around it's neck is a business card that reads, "You have been had by Ace Ventura - Pet Detective." He breathes fire.

GRUFF MAN

Son of a bitch!

He smashes the dog to the ground.

EXT. ALLEY - CONT'D

As the UPS Man/Ace rounds the corner, his shirt opens up at his pot belly and the Shiatsu's head sticks out. Ace is gloating.

ACE

(announcer's voice)

That was a close one, ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately, in every contest, there must be... A LOOSER!

He jumps into an old beat-up Chevy Bel Air, and lets the dog out onto the passenger seat.

ACE (CONT'D)

LOOOHOOOSERRRHERRR!

He then pulls open the car's ashtray, and to the dog's delight, it's filled with puppy chow.

He tries to start the engine but it won't turn over. The dog shoots him a look.

ACE

(to dog)

No problem, it gets flooded. We'll just wait a few seconds.

Ace sits back. SMASH!!!

From Ace's POV we see a Baseball bat shatter the front windshield.

ACE

Or, we could try it now.

Ace frantically tries to start the car. His new friend continues around the car beating the living shit out of it.

ACE

Oooh, boy.

ACE'S POV

We see the creep wailing on the car in Ace's side view mirror.

ACE

Warning! Assholes are closer than they appear!

The dog is barking insanely.

ACE

(to dog)

You think you can do better?!

The baseball bat is now pummeling the trunk.

ACE

Wanna give me a push while you're back there?

BOOM! The back window shatters. Then the car's engine roars to life. Ace rejoices.

ACE

FARFEGNUGENNNNN!!!

Ace leaves the bad guy in a cloud of dust and gravel, screaming bloody murder.

EXT. MIAMI CITY STREETS - DAY

Ace and his new pal speed away freely.

Close on the happy dog, hanging his head out the car window. PAN across the broken windshield to Ace, also hanging his head out the window to see where he's going.

The car drives by a sign on a telephone pole: "Reward" -- with a picture of the Shiatsu in Ace's seat.

THRASH MUSIC ENDS

INT. HOUSE - DAY

A very sexy woman is hugging and kissing the Shiatsu.

WOMAN

My little baby. You missed mommy didn't you? Did daddy hurt you? I won't let him, no I won't. He may have kept the big screen TV, but he's not gonna keep my baby. No he isn't.

(very sexy to Ace)

Thank you, Mr. Ventura. How can I ever repay you?

She slinks over to Ace and puts her arms around his neck.

ACE

Well, the reward would be good, and there was some damage to my –

She cuts Ace off with a devastating kiss.

WOMAN

Would you like me to take you pants off instead?

ACE

Ummmm… Sure.

She pulls him toward the bedroom.

WOMAN

It takes a big man to stand up to my husband. He's already put two of my lovers in the hospital.

ACE

How did he find out? Does he have you followed.

WOMAN

No… I tell him

She plants a kiss on Ace's neck and pulls him down out of frame onto the bed.

EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - DAY

The stands are empty, but there's plenty happening on the field. The Miami Dolphins are practicing. Dan Marino is in top form, hitting pass after pass.

Behind one of the goal posts, the team's mascot, a rare dolphin (SNOWFLAKE), wearing #4, is practicing his routine. The Trainer is dressed like a quarterback.

TRAINER Blue! 42! Blue! 42! Hut! Hut!

Snowflake swims over, snatches a small football out of the Trainer's hand, and does an end zone dance on his tail. He then returns the ball to the trainer.

The Trainer now sets the ball on the dolphin's tail and snowflake "kicks" a perfect field goal. The Trainer blows a whistle and raises both arms.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - NIGHT

The stadium is now completely empty. Snowflake peacefully swims around his tank.

Suddenly, the water is illuminated by the headlights of an n.d. panel truck.

The rear door slides open. Two men jump out in wet suits.

They slip into the water while a third waits outside the tank.

Snowflake surfaces to check out the action. One of the men holds out a fish. Snowflake eagerly takes it, then shudders as a large syringe is stuck into his back. Snowflake thrashes around.

Quick cut of a hand with the blur of a ring slamming against the tank. But the needle has done its job. Snowflake quickly goes limp.

Snowflake is loaded into the back of the truck. Move in on Snowflake's face. His excited cackle has turned into a painful whimper.

The truck skids away passing the guard gate. The guard is hog tied and gagged, struggling to free himself.

INT. ADELLE'S FRIENDLY PET SHOP - NEXT DAY

Close up on a dead goldfish laying on a newspaper. We pull back to reveal ADELLE ROSENBERG, the seventy year old owner of a cluttered pet shop. She's handing a live goldfish in a bag to JENNIFER, a very sweet nine year old.

ADELLE

Here you go, honey. Now remember… this kind of fish doesn't like it in the freezer.

JENNY

But what's gonna happen to Dolly?

ADELLE

Don't worry, I'll make sure she gets a proper burial.

Jennifer exits. Adelle calls to her cat, and tosses it the goldfish. The cat catches it in mid-air.

ADELLE

Rest in peace.

Ace enters the pet shop. It looks like he slept in his clothes.

ADELLE

Well… here comes another dead fish.

ACE

Hi, beautiful. What time do you get off?

ADELLE

Uh oh.

ACE

(suggestively)

I've heard some pretty great things about your kibble.

ADELLE

Well, I hope I'm not getting a reputation.

ACE

(switching to mock anger)

Just get me the food!

She chuckles at Ace as she loads a couple of bags with different kinds of pet food.

ADELLE

So… ahh, when can I expect you to pay your tab?

ACE

I'm a little bit Sli Pickins, right now, I'm a little Tight Squeeze Louise, a little Welfare Wolly, Potless Pissing Pete, I'm ah –

ADELLE

If you were a horse I'd shoot ya'. Just take it.

ACE

Gravy! I'm good for it, Adelle. I'm on a very big case right now.

Ace reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a flyer with a picture of a white pigeon.

ACE

See this pigeon? It's a true albino. Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a ten thousand dollar reward.

ADELLE

Wow, albino pigeons are very rare. How are you going to find him?

ACE

Just keep my eyes open, and hope to god it doesn't snow.

Ace grabs his bags and heads for the door.

ADELLE

You're a good boy, Ace. A good boy.

He holds the door open for an elderly gentleman who is entering at the same time. The gentleman is walking a toy poodle on a leash. The poodle is dragging its butt along the entire length of the floor. Ace and Adelle just stare.

ELDERLY MAN

(in a loud voice)

Do you have anything for ringworm?

EXT. SURFSIDE APARTMENT COMPLEX - DAY

Ace enters the courtyard of a two story U-shaped apartment complex carrying his groceries. It's a crappy joint but he calls it home. Inside an open apartment on the ground floor, the landlord, MR. SHICKADANCE, sits watching TV, stuffing his face with cheese doodles. Ace sneaks past the door and up the stairs.

EXT. SECOND FLOOR - DAY

Ace is just putting the key in the door when the landlord steps up behind him. Ace is startled by the dreaded 'Shickadance Rasp' (not unlike Linda Blair in THE EXORCIST).

LANDLORD

Venturaaaaa?

Ace straightens up, but doesn't turn around.

ACE

Yes, Satan?

Now Ace turns around in mock surprise.

ACE

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.

LANDLORD

Never mind the wise cracks Venturaaa. You owe me rent!

ACE

Mr. Shickadance… I told you, you're my first priority! As soon as I find the white pigeon, you're paid!!

LANDLORD

I heard animals in there Ventura! I heard 'em again this morning, scratchin' around.

ACE

I never bring my work home with me, sir.

The landlord notices the bags of kibble.

LANDLORD

Oh, yeah? What's all this pet food for?

ACE

(beat)

Fiber.

The landlord isn't buying it.

ACE

You wanna take a look for yourself? Go head.

Ace rattles his keys in the door. Then he swings it open and turns on the light. The house is clear. Ace walks in as the landlord stands there snooping and sniffing the air.

ACE

Well… are you satisfied?

LANDLORD

(still suspicious)

Yeah, but don't ever let me catch you with an animal in there, that's all!

ACE

Okay then. Take care now. 'Bye 'bye.

The landlord walks away as Ace closes the door.

ACE

(quietly to himself)

LLOOSER.

He then turns to the room and gives a distinct whistle.

CHAOS ENSUES! Animals jump out from every direction. Lizards crawl out of drawers, birds fly through the air, all of them gravitating to Ace.

ACE

(to his flock)

Ooshhooboobooboodoodoo!

INT. MIAMI DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - LATER THAT DAY

The very imposing office of BOBBY RIDDLE, owner of the Miami Dolphins. Riddle, 70, is a take charge, doesn't take crap from anyone type of guy. He is yelling at ROGER PODACTER, an ex-linebacker in his early sixties, and MELISSA ROBINSON, Podacter's attractive assistant.

RIDDLE

I just want to know one thing; How the hell do you lose a 500 pound fish?!

Melissa's about to speak but hesitates.

RIDDLE (CONT.)

What?

MELISSA

It's not a fish, sir. It's a mammal.

An angry Riddle stands up.

RIDDLE

Oh, thank you very much, Mrs. Jacque Cousteau!

PODACTER

Bob, she didn't mean anything by it.

RIDDLE calms down a little, and sits.

RIDDLE

(calmer)

Listen, personally, I don't give a good god damn about a fish.

He looks at Melissa. She doesn't dare say anything.

RIDDLE (CONT.)

All I care about is winning this Super Bowl! I want the players' head in the right place. Shit, Roger, you've been in this game long enough, you know how superstitious players are. Our quarterback's been putting his socks on backwards since high school. And I got a lineman who hasn't washed his jock in two years because he thinks flies are lucky! I want that god damn fish on the field Super Bowl Sunday! FIND THE FISH, OR FIND NEW JOBS!

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS ACTION

An upset Podacter and Melissa walk through the hallway.

PODACTER

Why did it have to happen now? I got three stinking years left till retirement.

MELISSA

I've got forty.

PODACTER

I'll tell you who did it. It was those goddamn animal rights nuts! Always out there with their goddamn signs, ANIMALS WERE BORN FREE, STOP TORTURING SNOWFLAKE! That goddamn fish lives better than they do!

They stop outside Melissa's office by her secretary's desk.

MELISSA

The police are checking into the animal rights people.

(to secretary)

Martha, have the police called back about the dolphin yet?

MARTHA

No, but I wanted to tell you, when I lost my Cuddles, I hired a pet detective.

PODACTER

A what?

MARTHA

A pet detective.

MELISSA

Thanks Martha, but we'd better leave this to professionals.

MARTHA

Well actually, he was quite good. Pet detection is a very involved, highly scientific process.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROOF OF HOUSE - SAME TIME

CLOSE ON ACE - COOING like a pigeon. Widen to reveal, Ace precariously perched on the roof of a two story building. He is four feet away from "The" pigeon. Ater a beat, he makes a mad, spastic, yet scientific, lunge for the bird.

ACE

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

The bird makes a clean getaway. Unable to stop his momentum, Ace flies past the edge of the building and slides down the side of the roof.

EXT. GROUND - CONTINUOUS ACTION

BAM!!! Ace crashes to the ground. As he lies face down, in a heap of trash, his beeper goes off.

EXT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS/BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY

Parking lot. Ace's clunker drives by some real nice cars. Employees stare at him.

INT. SECURITY CHECK POINT - DAY

A stern guard is admitting people into the stadium. He scans each one with a security detection wand.

MAN #1

Art Wheeler. Sporting supplies.

The guard scans him. He goes.

MAN #2

Tom Anderson. Concessions.

The guard scans him. He goes.

ACE

Ace Ventura. Pet detective.

The guard stares at Ace, accusingly.

INT. MELISSA'S OFFICE - DAY

Martha enters.

MARTHA

Ah… Mr. Ventura to see you.

MELISSA

Okay, send him in.

Martha exits, Ace enters.

MELISSA (CONT'D)

Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson. Did you have any trouble getting in?

ACE

No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.

MELISSA

(apologetically)

Super Bowl week. Security's tight. Mr. Ventura, I'll get right to the point…

She slips a tape in the VCR and gestures for Ace to sit.

MELISSA

Our mascot was stolen from his tank last night. Are you familiar with Snowflake?

The tape shows Snowflake doing a trick. The trainer, dressed like a quarterback, shouts out signals.

TRAINER (ON TAPE) Blue! 42! Blue! 42! Hut! Hut!

Snowflake swims over, snatches the small football out of the trainer's hand, swims the length of the pool, does an end zone dance on his tail, then returns the ball to the trainer.

MELISSA (O.S.)

We got Snowflake from the Miami Seaquarium. He's a rare Bottle Nose Dolphin. That's the new trick he was going to do during the half-time show.

While Ace studies the tape, he chews sunflower seeds in a bird-like fashion, placing the shells in a neat little pile on her desk.

MELISSA

Would you like an ashtray?

ACE

No, I don't smoke.

He adds more shells to the pile.

Melissa is already wondering if she has made a mistake.

MELISSA

To be honest, Mr. Ventura. I'm pretty skeptical. Before today, I didn't even know there was such a thing as a pet detective.

ACE

Well, now that you do, you'll know who to call if your Schnauser ever runs away.

MELISSA

How did you know I have a Schnauser?

Ace pulls a, invisible-to-the-naked-eye dog hair off here blouse and presents it to her.

ACE

He's young, about five pounds, black coat, white speckles…

(sniffs the hair)

…likes to chase cars.

MELISSA

Very impressive.

ACE

You should see what I can do with a good stool sample.

MELISSA

I can hardly wait. Look, we've got a problem. Can you help me or not?

ACE

(coy)

Well, sea faring creatures aren't really my expertise…

MELISSA

We'll give you three thousand dollars on delivery.

Ace immediately becomes the narrator of a nature show.

ACE

The dolphin is a social creature. Capable of complex communication. Traveling in large groups or schools…

EXT. PLAYING FIELD - A SHORT TIME LATER

The Dolphin players practice. A crowd of reporters interview Marino.

MARINO

We just choked in 82. We had a chance to win it and we didn't. Nobody's gonna choke this time, and if they do, I'll kill 'em.

Ace and Melissa head for Snowflake's tank.

MELISSA

The police were here this morning. Apparently, the kidnappers used the back gate.

Ace bends down to look at some tire tracks on the field.

MELISSA (CONT'D)

They said some kind of a –

ACE

Four wheel drive van… loaded from the rear.

Ace sniffs the turf. Podacter enters nervously.

MELISSA

Oh, hi, Roger. How are you holding up?

PODACTER

Well if it looks like I'm walking funny it's because I have a bunch on reporters up my ass. They've been asking me about Snowflake all day. Who's this?

MELISSA

Roger Podacter, meet Ace Ventura. Ace is our pet detective.

Podacter shakes his hand.

PODACTER

Nice to meet you. Martha Metz recommended you very highly.

ACE

Martha Metz? Martha Metz. Oh yeah, the bitch.

PODACTER

What?

ACE

Pekinese. Hyperactive. Lost in Highland Park area. She was half dead when I found her. Is that the tank?

They both follow Ace as he makes a B-line.

EXT. SNOWFLAKE'S TANK - MOMENTS LATER

The tank is empty.

ACE

Cops drain it?

MELISSA

Yes. This morning.

Ace hops on the ladder.

ACE

If I'm not back in five minutes… call Lloyd Bridges.

INT. DOLPHIN TANK - MOMENTS LATER

While eating sunflower seeds, Ace meticulously examines the tank, including the scratches where the hand banged up against the wall when Snowflake was stolen. All the while, he is singing a bastardized version of the theme from, "Flipper."

ACE

…Wonderful Flipper… glorious Flipper… magnificent Flipper… The flippiest Flipper…

Podacter and Melissa, watching from the rim, look at each other like, "What have we gotten ourselves into?" Podacter spots something.

PODACTER

Oh, great.

A hoard or reporters are headed their way.

PODACTER (CONT)

I'll try to head them off.

MELISSA

(to Ace)

Get out of the tank.

ACE

(still singing)

…Can't hear you Flipper, Flipper… Lookin' for Flipper, gotta find Flipper…

MELISSA

I said, get out of the tank! Now!

The reporters draw closer. Podacter heads them off.

REPORTER

So where's Snowflake?

PODACTER

Ah… Snowflake is just, ah, not available right now.

REPORTER

Come on, I'm supposed to get a shot of his new trick for the evening news.

REPORTER #2

What? Is he sick?

Other reporters chime in.

VARIOUS REPORTERS Did something happen to Snowflake?! What're you hiding..?!

Melissa and Podacter don't know what to say. Then, a strange voice is heard.

ACE/HEINZ (O.S.)

(unrecognizable accent)

How cun I be getting dis vork dun mit all da shouting? What for is dis shouting?

REPORTER

Who the hell is that?

MELISSA

That? That's…

ACE/HEINZ

Heinz Kissvelvet. I am Trainer of Dolphins. You vant to talk to ze dolphin, you talk to me!

REPORTER

What happened to the regular trainer?

ACE/HEINZ

Vy do you care about the dolphin? Do you know him? Does he call you at home? Do you have a dorsal fin?

(beat)

To train ze dolphin, you must zink like ze dolphin. You must be getting oonside ze dolphin's head! Just yesterday I'm asking Snowflake… "ee, eee, eee." He said, "Eee, eee, eee, eee." Und you can quote him.

Ace spits at the reporters' feet. Podacter jumps in.

PODACTER

Gentlemen, please, Coach Shula's press conference is just about to begin. Why don't I take you over there and let, ah, Heinz, do his job.

He ushers the press away.

MELISSA

(sotto to Ace)

Are you finished, Heinz?

ACE

Not yet.

Ace goes to the filter outside the tank, opens it, and pours out its contents – mainly leaves, small twigs and gunk. He roots through it, notices a very tiny amber stone. He smiles to himself.

ACE

Now I'm finished.

EXT. METRO POLICE DEPARTMENT - LATER THAT DAY

A flurry of activity in the detective division. As Ace enters, several cops taunt him on sight, led by the obnoxious, SERGEANT AGUADO.

AGUADO

Hey, Ventura! Make any good collars lately?

ANOTHER COP Or were they leashes?

They all bust up. Aguado spots a bug on the ground.

AGUADO

Uh oh.

(steps on the bug)

Homicide, Ventura!

The cops are falling all over themselves laughing.

AGUADO

How you gonna solve this one?!

Ace walks up to them and looks at the squashed bug.

ACE

Good question, Aguado… first I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's dick, and became insanely jealous.

The other cops all react with a big "ooooooo". Aguado has no comeback. Ace comes face to face with him.

ACE

Then I'd lose thirty pounds porking his wife.

Aguado suddenly loses it and swings at Ace.

With a lightening move, Ace sidesteps the punch and forces Aguado's face down next to the dead bug.

ACE

Now kiss and make up.

Ace walks off.

ACE

(to himself)

LLLOOOSER!

Ace walks to the desk of EMILIO ECHAVEZ, a young energetic member of the homicide division. Ace has a silly impish look on his face.

ACE

(playfully)

I miss you.

EMILIO

It's not a good time, Ace. If Einhorn sees me talking to you I'm gonna be history.

ACE

Okay. Just tell me what you got on Snowflake. That's all I need.

EMILIO

…I can't say anything. My hands are tied.

ACE

(effeminate)

Sounds like my kind of a party.

A cop comes to Emilio's desk.

COP

Look alive, Einhorn's on her way down.

EMILIO

Ace, please?!

ACE

Just tell me who's working the case?

EMILIO

Aguado.

ACE

Aguado?! He's pimple juice! He's the poster child for lead paint chip eaters!

EMILIO

Look, Ace. We're a little busy with murderers and drug dealers. A missing dolphin isn't exactly a high priority.

The elevator is getting closer.

EMILIO

Ace, gimme a break will ya?

Ace nonchalantly sits back in a chair, pops a sunflower seed into his mouth and cracks it loudly.

EMILIO

(quickly)

Okay, okay. We checked all the local animal rights groups, taxidermists, and we're running a check through DMV on all recent van rentals. So far, nada.

ACE

Any unusual bets being made?

EMILIO

Ace, it's the Super Bowl, of course there's bets being made.

ACE

What'd you find out about the tank?

EMILIO

Nothing weird. Just the tire tracks and the exit route. The guard didn't see anything.

ACE

That's it?

EMILIO

That's it. I swear. Now please go away!

ACE

You know something?

(again impish)

YOU'RE NICE!

Ace gets up and exits the room. Then just as Emilio sighs with relief, Ace pops back in.

ACE

What about crazy Philly fans?

The elevator bell rings. Out steps police LT. LOIS EINHORN, mid 30s, with a slender build, a great pair of legs and a bad tude.

ACE

Holy Testicle Tuesday!

EINHORN

(to Emilio)

What the hell is he doing here?

ACE

I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

EINHORN

Spare me the routine, Ventura. I know you're working the Snowflake case. May I suggest you yield to the experts on this one? We'll find the porpoise.

ACE

(mock relief)

Whewww… now I feel better!

Ace turns to go.

ACE (CONT)

Of course, that might not do any good. You see, nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common Harbor Porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth, and a triangular thorasic fin, while the Bottlenose Dolphin, or Tursiops Truncatus, has an elongated beak, round, cone-shaped teeth, and a distinctive serrated dorsal appendage. (beat) But I'm sure you already knew that. (beat) That's what turns me on about you. Hey… maybe I'll give you a call sometime, lieutenant. Your number still 911? Alrighty then!

Ace exits.

CUT TO:

INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT

A wild thrasher club. An incredible thrash band is on stage cranking. Kids jump wildly into the moshing pit.

Ace enters, sees a burnout at the bar whose head is circling insanely to the music.

ACE

(shouting)

Excuse me?! Is Greg here?!

The burnout's head thrashes on. No acknowledgement of Ace.

ACE

Thank you!

Ace heads for the basement stairs.

INT. BASEMENT STAIRS - NIGHT

Ace descends the stairs, stopping at a large steel door. Ace bangs on it three times. A voice is heard from inside.

VOICE (O.S.)

Password!

ACE

Tom Vu! I pay for sex! You can too!

CLICK! The door electronically unlatches and slides open.

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

Ace enters. Green Peace "Save the Whales" posters abound. GREG/WOODSTOCK, a laid back, ex-hippy with long gray hair, sits at a very impressive computer set up. Ace and he have their own distinct banter.

A thud from above. Ace looks up.

ACE'S POV

Part of the ceiling is made of metal grating, so you can see the bottom of the dance floor. A guy's face gets smashed into the grate. We see that it is the burnout from the club.

ACE

(to burnout)

Found him!

WOODSTOCK

Hey! St. Francis! How's it goin?

ACE

Super, and thank you for asking. Hope you're having a nice day.

WOODSTOCK

Do you?

ACE

Don't I? And what are you up to?

WOODSTOCK

Just watching the fishies, man.

There is a BLIP on the computer screen.

WOODSTOCK

Alright, you're just in time for the party. You see those blips?

ACE

I certainly do.

ON THE SCREEN

A map with several ships on the ocean.

He quickly taps in some commands and the ships start sailing in all different directions.

WOODSTOCK

That's a Norwegian whaling fleet. I'm sending them new directional coordinates… They'll find Jimmy Hoffa before they find any Humpbacks.

ACE

Gravy.

Woodstock moves to a different screen.

WOODSTOCK

Check this out.

More computer graphics come up on the screen.

WOODSTOCK

Just changed the formula for Purina's puppy chow.

(turns to Ace)

Too much filler, don't ya' think?

ACE

(acting turned on)

I'm very attracted to you right now.

Woodstock chuckles.

WOODSTOCK

Are you?

ACE

Aren't I? Can you still tap into all the aquatic supply store in the area?

WOODSTOCK

Of course I can. Why?

ACE

I want to trace the sale of any equipment for transporting or housing a dolphin within the past few months…

WOODSTOCK

C'mon, Ace. I thought you might have a challenge for me…

Woodstock starts hacking away.

ACE

Okay then, try to remember the sixties.

WOODSTOCK

Wow! God one! Let's see… Marine winch sling, feeder fish, 20,000 gallon tank…

He waits. We hear a beep.

WOODSTOCK

That's it. I found the culprit.

ACE

Who is it?

WOODSTOCK

(dramatically)

…Sea World.

ACE

…bastard.

WOODSTOCK

Hang on, hang on…

(He taps a couple keys)

Well, what do we have here? That's a lot of equipment for a civilian.

The printer spits out some data. Woodstock rips off the page and hands it to Ace.

ACE

Ronald Camp? The billionaire?

WOODSTOCK

Billionaire and rare fish collector.

ACE

RRREHEHEALLY!

A PICTURE OF CAMP

Comes up on the computer screen.

WOODSTOCK

That, my friend, is the face of the enemy.

He pages through his file on screen.

WOODSTOCK

…Always tryin' to get his hands on endangered species…

Newspaper articles fill the screen. One shows a picture of Camp and some Dolphin players.

ACE

Hold on, this guy's connected with the Dolphins?

Ace leans in.

WOODSTOCK

Camp donated the land the new stadium's built on.

(re: article)

Oh, look at this, he's throwin' another, "I'm the richest man in the universe" party.

ACE

(thinking)

Hmmm… I wonder if I can find myself a date.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - NIGHT

It's a magnificent home. There is an extremely formal party in progress. Twenty to thirty people having champagne, caviar, and hot air. We see Dan Marino sitting with an audience around him.

DAN

We just choked in 82. We had a chance to win and we didn't. But nobody's gonna choke this time; if they do, I'll kill 'em!

Everybody laughs.

EXT. CAMP'S MANSION - NIGHT

Ace and Melissa climb an impressive stairway leading to Camp's mansion.

MELISSA

I'm really going out on a limb here, Ventura. Camp's social events are strictly A-list.

ACE

(a la Love Connection)

'Well, Chuck… the date started off good, but just before we got to the party, she seemed to tense up.'

Melissa rolls her eyes, then taps a huge door knocker.

MELISSA

I swear, if you do anything to embarrass me in front of Camp…

ACE

You mean like this?

Ace starts doing a spastic body convulsion. Just then a bald-headed butler, who looks a little like Gavin McCloud, opens the door. Ace doesn't notice until Melissa hits him with her purse.

ACE

Owwwe!!!

He sees the butler.

ACE

Oh, hi Captain Stubing.

Melissa storms in, already pissed.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - CONT

Ace and Melissa enter. Camp looks over.

CAMP

Melissa! Glad you could make it! Oh, and who is this?

MELISSA

This is my date. He's a… lawyer.

CAMP

Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "Lawyer"?

MELISSA

I'm sorry, it's Ace - ah, Tom Ace.

Ace is very unimpressed with her lying ability. He jumps in.

ACE

Tom Ace. Wonderful to meet you, Mr. Camp, and congratualtions on all your success. You smell terrific.

CAMP

Ah, well, thank you. Please, come in.

Ace boldly leads the way over to an hors 'oeuvre table. Melissa closely follows.

MELISSA

(sotto)

This is insane. There's no way that Camp stole Snowflake.

ACE

(spreading pate' on a cracker)

Will you just keep him occupied, while I work my magic please.

She crosses the room. He puts the cracker in his mouth and begins to crunch. A man in a tux beside Ace spreads pate' on his own cracker.

ACE

(with a mouthful, to man)

Smooshy, isn't it?

Off the stuffy man's reaction…

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - SECONDS LATER

Ace approaches Camp.

ACE

Excuse me, Ron, I need to use the bathroom?

(palms his stomach, whispering loudly)

I think it's the pate'.

CAMP

Um, it's just over there.

ACE

Thanks. Stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh?

Ace laughs, slaps Camp hard on the back and heads for the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM - CONT

Ace wastes no time. He locks the door, turns on the water faucet, steps onto the toilet seat, opens and climbs out a window.

EXT. MANSION COURT YARD - CONT

Ace drops to the ground. He follows a pathway, through a gazebo and into a doorway, all the time quietly singing the musical score to 'Mission Impossible'.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - FISH TANKS - CONT

Ace browses through a myriad of dramatically lit, salt water tanks, still singing. They're all filled with colorful exotic fish. Very impressive, but nothing large enough to house a dolphin. He continues on towards a large door.

INT. TANK ROOM - SECONDS LATER

A huge above-ground tank is covered with curtains to discourage onlookers. Ace swings open the large door and enters.

ACE

Gravy.

Ace climbs a ladder on the side of the tank, singing more intensely now. The ladder leads to a narrow catwalk over the center of the water. Ace grabs a feeder fish from a pail and walks carefully out there.

CLOSE ON ACE. THIS IS IT.

He looks into the dark pool, but sees nothing. Now he stops singing, quietly squats down and dangles the fish over the water.

ACE

(gently)

Snowflake… Here, Snowflake… Snooowflaaaake…

A GREAT WHITE LUNGES OUT OF THE WATER AND SNAPS ITS JAWS AN INCH FROM ACE'S FACE!!! NEEDLESS TO SAY, ACE IS A TAD SURPRISED.

He reels back, falling off the catwalk, into the water.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - SAME TIME

Melissa is admiring some beautiful tropical fish. Camp approaches.

CAMP

Wonderful, aren't they?

MELISSA

(nervously)

Yes. They're incredible.

CAMP

No matter what is going on in my life, I can always watch them swim and be completely at peace.

INT. INDOOR POOL ROOM - SAME TIME

The water is still for a moment. Then, Ace breaks the surface.

ACE

(frantic, to himself)

It's not Snowflake… It's not Snowflake.

Instantly, Ace's body is thrashed around back and forth through the water, the entire length of the pool.

ACE

(screaming)

IT'S NOT SNOWFLAAAAKE!!! IT'S NOT SNOWFLAAAA!!!

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - LATER

A line is forming outside the bathroom. Camp and Melissa are seated nearby. He's getting curious.

CAMP

Are you sure he's okay? It's been an awfu;;y long time.

MELISSA

Who, Tom? Oh, I'm sure he's fine.

Ace suddenly opens the bathroom door and stands there, completely drenched from head to toe, with his pants in shreds. Everyone stops. They all stare at Ace in amazement.

ACE

(loudly to the entire room)

DO NOT GO IN THERE!

(fanning the air)

Whewww!!

EXT. CAMP'S MANSION - LATER

Ace and Melissa are exiting. Camp stops in the doorway.

CAMP

(still confused)

I'm very sorry, Mr. Ace. I'll have the pluming checked immediately.

ACE

Be sure that you do. If I had been drinking out of that toilet, I might have been killed!

Ace shakes Camp's hand and notices his ring. He holds on to get a better look. It's a very distinct, commemorative ring.

Camp wants his hand back but Ace won't let go. Melissa finally drags Ace away.

MELISSA

We'd better go.

Camp looks on and shakes his head.

INT. MELISSA'S CAR - NIGHT

Ace is thinking. Melissa is pissed.

MELISSA

…Y'know, I don't even want to know why your pants are missing! I don't care what happened! You could have cost me my job.

ACE

(on his own wavelength)

I was wrong about Camp. He's breaking the law but he's not our guy.

MELISSA

It's a sure thing! It's definitely him! Just get me in there! Let me work my magic!

Ace takes the stone out of his pocket and studies it intensely.

ACE

This is the key. Right here!

MELISSA

Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made!

ACE

So small! So unnoticeable! Yet an invaluable piece… of our twisted little jigsaw puzzle!

Melissa stares at Ace like he's gone crazy. There is a flash of headlights and a car horn. Melissa swerves back into her own lane. Ace drops the stone somewhere on the seat and begins to search for it frantically.

ACE

Damn it!

(to Melissa)

Try to keep it on the road.

INT. MELISSA'S LIVING ROOM

Melissa enters, followed by Ace.

MELISSA

So, you found a pebble in Snowflake's tank. Excuse me while I call CNN.

ACE

I found it in the filter. And it's not a pebble. It is a rare, triangular cut, orange amber.

Ace hands Melissa the stone and quickly goes to one of her bookcases.

MELISSA

What are you talking about?

ACE

Tonight I saw the exact same stone in Camp's ring.

Ace finds a book on the Dolphin team and flips through it.

MELISSA

I thought you said he didn't do it.

ACE

N. Camp's clean. His ring wasn't missing a stone. But whoever was in that tank had a ring just like his.

MELISSA

Wait a second. What ring?

Ace hands her the book. It's open to a photo of…

ACE

The 1982 Dolphin AFC Championship ring.

Melissa holds the stone up to the picture. It's a perfect match.

ACE

I find the ring with the missing stone, I find Snowflake.

MELISSA

How are you gonna do that?

ACE

Simple.

MUSIC UP

CUT TO:

EXT. TRACK - DAY

Ace is wheezing and gasping for air as he struggles to jog up beside a large man who's running around the track at a very fast pace. When he finally catches up, he awkwardly tries to catch a glimpse of the man's ring and trips. The man just keeps going.

INT. FOOTLOCKER - DAY

Ace sits waiting with one shoe off. The store manager, an ex-player for the '82 team, sets down several shoe boxes. Ace checks out the ring.

CLOSE ON

A poster of the '82 team. The player we just saw is being crossed out.

EXT. HOTEL - DAY

Pan a few kids getting autographs from Marino and other players, ending on Ace dressed up and looking like a pimply kid. As the players sign, he checks their rings.

EXT. TRACK - DAY

Ace is again trying to catch the large man on the track. This time, just as he draws near, the man leaves him in the dust.

INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY

Two big guys finish arm wrestling. Ace steps up to challenge. He spends an undue amount of time preparing his grip, as he checks out the ring. Ace finally gets set and gives the "go ahead" nod. He is instantly thrown across the room.

CLOSE ON

The poster of the '82 team. Another group of players are being crossed out.

EXT. STREET

Ace spots a player driving along side him. He can't see his ring.

Ace deliberately cuts off the player's car and flips him off. The angry player flips Ace off. We see his ring is intact. Ace waves and drives off.

INT. MEN'S ROOM

One huge lineman uses a urinal. Ace, using the urinal next to him, nonchalantly tries to catch a glimpse of the guy's hands. The Lineman has a very angry look on his face, but after a beat it changes to a "come on" smile.

CLOSE ON

The poster of the '82 team. There is only one face that has not been crossed out. Ace circles it.

EXT. TRACK - DAY

Once again we see the large, fast man jogging toward camera. Suddenly Ace runs up behind him, with a desperate look on his face, pouring a bottle of chloroform into a cloth. He leaps onto the man's back, smothering him with the cloth and holding on for dear life. The man slowly gives up the fight and collapses. Ace casually checks the ring, then walks away disappointed.

EXT. MELISSA'S BACKYARD - EARLY EVENING

Ace sits in a lawn chair depressed. Melissa consoles him.

MELISSA

Ace, that stone could have come from anywhere. An earring, a necklace…

ACE

(with murder in his eyes)

It came from an '82 AFC Championship ring.

MELISSA

Lt. Einhorn thinks it was an animal rights group. Have you heard of FAN?

ACE

Free Animals Now? Started in 1982 by Chelsea Gamble, daughter of the famous industrialist, Fischer Gamble? Over half a million members from Florida to Finland?

(beat)

No. Who are they?

MELISSA

Did you know that last year they sent threatening letters to 127 college teams, demanding the release of their mascots? At last count –

ACE

What do you feed your dog?

We see Melissa's dog lying near Ace's feet.

MELISSA

Ah… dog food, why?

ACE

He's miserable.

MELISSA

What are you talking about?

ACE

He's just very unhappy, I feel sorry for him. Bad diet, isolated environment. It's amazing he's still alive.

MELISSA

You're just mad because your stupid pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger.

ACE

Yeah? And you're ugly.

MELISSA

I'm not even gonna' talk to you, please leave.

ACE

What, so you can beat him? Fatty!

MELISSA

You… are unbelievable.

The phone rings inside the house. Melissa goes to answer it.

MELISSA

Hiring you was a huge mistake!

The door slams and Ace is alone with the dog. After a moment he reaches down to pet it and we all see that it is one of the happiest dogs in the world.

ACE

You like her, huh?… Yeah, she's alright.

Ace, feeling guilty, walks into the house.

INT. MELISSA'S DEN - CONT

Ace walks toward Melissa.

ACE

Look, Melissa, I, ah…

Ace stops when he sees Melissa. She is sitting, holding the phone in her lap with a completely stunned look on her face. Something is very wrong.

EXT. HIGH RISE APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

Chaos. Police, lights flashing, paramedics, crowds of people.

Ace and Melissa see Roger Podacter's body taken away in an ambulance.

ACE

You okay?

Melissa nods bravely. Emilio joins them.

ACE

What'd you find?

EMILIO

Podacter, Roger. Routine suicide. He was alone. He'd been drinking. No sign of a struggle. Neighbor heard him scream on the way down. Just your classic fifteen story swan dive.

Melissa shudders. Ace gives Emilio a "way to go" look.

EMILIO

Sorry.

INT. HIGHRISE LOBBY - NIGHT

The three enter. Emilio pushes the button for the elevator.

MELISSA

It just seems so out of character. He was going to retire in two years.

ACE

Did he leave a note?

The elevator arrives.

EMILIO

No. That's nothing unusual. Some do, some don't. He didn't.

The elevator doors close.

INT. PODACTOR'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

Police are everywhere. Emilio, Ace and Melissa enter and are immediately approached by one of the officers.

EMILIO

Miss Robinson, this is officer Carlson.

CARLSON Evening, ma'am. I wonder if you could answer a few questions about the deceased?

Ace slips away, we follow him as he eavesdrops on conversations.

NEIGHBOR

(to a cop)

I told you, I was across the hall in my apartment, I heard a scream. The door was locked, so I called the manager…

The Manager reiterates her story to the cop. The Manager is about 100 years old.

MANAGER

…The place was empty, except for the damn dog in the other room. Then I opened the balcony door, looked over the railing, and… splat, bang, pancake time…

Ace, continuing his investigation notices…

PODACTER'S DESK

in perfect order.

Next, he notices police coming in and out of the balcony, closing the door behind them, shutting out the noise.

INT. PODACTER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

A dog is cowering in the corner. Ace tries to comfort the little guy.

ACE

Hey, fella, have a bad night?

Ace examines its paws.

Ace then gets down and finds scratches in the door. TWO FEET interrupt.

Ace stands. He is face to face with Einhorn.

EINHORN

Who let Dr. Doolittle in?

Emilio steps in immediately.

EMILIO

Ah, Lieutenant. He came with Miss Robinson –

EINHORN

This is official police business. We'll let you know if the coroner finds any ticks.

Cops snicker.

EMILIO

I just thought since Melissa –

ACE

E, forget it. She's right. Besides, I wouldn't want someone tracing my steps and pointing out all the mistakes I made.

Ace crosses to…

EXT. PODACTER'S BALCONY - CONT

Ace examines the area. Einhorn is in hot pursuit.

EINHORN

Oh, so, you don't think this in an obvious suicide, Mr. Pet Detective?

ACE

Well, I wouldn't say that. Lord knows, there is plenty of evidence here to support your theory, except of course that spot of blood on the balcony.

On the railing, sure enough, there is a tiny spot of blood.

Einhorn glares at a couple of nearby cops. They look down.

ACE

May I tell you what I think happened? Alrighty then!

Ace moves as he talks.

ACE

Roger Podacter went out after work. He had a few drinks, and he came home. But he wasn't alone. Someone was with him in this apartment. There was a struggle, and then Roger Podacter was thrown over that balcony. Roger Podacter didn't commit suicide. He was murdered.

A beat as everyone considers this.

EINHORN

Well, that's a very entertaining story, but real detectives have to worry about that little thing lawyers call evidence.

Ace picks up a lottery ticket on Podacter's desk and becomes a condescending kid show host.

ACE

Let's take a trip to clue corner, shall we? Can anyone tell me why a man buys a lottery ticket on the day he is going to commit suicide? Or why the family pet, suffering from acute canine trauma, clawed at the bedroom door until his paws bled? How about the blood on the railing? I'll bet if we put our thinking caps on we'll see that it was the result of the struggle that took place inside this apartment while Mr. Podacter was still alive!

(singing)

NEXT TIME YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE COME ON BACK TO CLUE CORNER! BOOP!

Everyone looks to Einhorn.

EINHORN

Not a bad try for a pet detective, but not near conclusive enough for us real investigators.

(beat)

First, people buy lottery tickets everyday. It's a habit. It doesn't prove a thing. Second, the dog wasn't suffering from canine trauma, he was suffering from bladder trauma. Sergeant Neilson found a piss stain as big as Lake Huron near the bed. And third, the blood on the railing. Simple. He doesn't jump far enough and whacks his head. A fact confirmed by the paramedics who found cuts on his scalp, with traces of a white chalky substance. i.e. plaster from the balcony.

Einhorn shows Ace the paramedics report. Everyone is impressed with Einhorn.

EINHORN

So much for your murder, Ventura.

AGUADO

Uh oh, I think I heard a toilet flush. Maybe someone lost their turtle?

Everyone has a laugh. Ace looks beaten.

ACE

Well, maybe I'm just a little out of my league, here. Einhorn…

Ace holds out his hand, Einhorn shakes it.

ACE

…good work.

Ace and Melissa head for the door.

ACE

Oh, there is just one more thing, Lieutenant.

(re: the neighbor)

This man is Roger Podacter's neighbor. He lives across the hall. He said he heard a scream, is that right, sir?

The neighbor nods. Ace turns to the apartment manager.

ACE

And you said you had to open the balcony door when you keyed into the room?

MANAGER

That's right.

Ace walks out onto the balcony and turns, facing them.

ACE

You're certain you had to open this door?

She nods.

EINHORN

What's the point, Ventura?

ACE

Only this… AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW…

Ace sustains an incredible Pavorati note, while he repeatedly opens and closes the glass door between them. When the door is closed nothing can be heard.

ACE

(tapping the door)

This is double paned, sound- proofed glass. There's no way this neighbor could have heard Podacter scream on the way down with this door shut. The scream he heard came from inside this apartment, before Podacter was thrown over the railing! And the muderer closed the door before he left!

(celebrates insanely)

Yes! Yesss! I have exorcised the demons!

(a la Poltergeist)

This house is clear.

INT. ACE'S CAR - A SHORT TIME LATER

Ace drives straight ahead.

MELISSA

What are you thinking?

ACE

I'm thinking this whole thing is connected somehow.

(frustrated)

I'm thinking I want to find that other ring!

MELISSA

You checked all the rings.

ACE

I know, Pessimistress. Could anyone else have gotten a ring that year?

MELISSA

No. Camp was the only honoree. Just players and coaches. Everyone in the photo.

ACE

…Receipts! There must be receipts! You have a key to the office.

MELISSA

Ace this has been a really tough day. Can't we do this in the morning?

Ace looks at his watch.

ACE

Absolutely.

EXT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - 1:00 AM

Ace's car screeches to a stop, in front of the building. Ace jumps out, followed by Melissa.

INT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - HALLWAY - NIGHT

It's dark. Team pictures adorn the walls.

MELISSA (O.S.)

These files go back to seventy- eight.

INT. DOLPHIN OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Ace is flipping through a file cabinet, looking at receipts. Melissa is starting to warm to him.

MELISSA

That was pretty impressive, what you did back at the apartment.

ACE

(still looking)

You don't have to tell me. I was there.

MELISSA

Maybe you should have joined the police force… become a real detective.

ACE

(shaking his head)

I don't do humans.

Melissa gets a bit closer.

MELISSA

You really love animals, don't you?

Ace stops searching and looks into her eyes.

ACE

I feel a kinship with them. I understand them. Wanna hear something kinda spooky?

MELISSA

Sure.

She gets closer still.

ACE

One time, when I was about twelve, I had this dream that I was being followed by a dog with rabies. He had these really bloodshot eyes and foam coming out of his mouth… and just before I got to my front door… he jumped on me and sunk his teeth in. Then I woke up, and felt the back of my neck… check this out.

Ace motions for Melissa to feel the back of his neck, but when she does, he snaps at her hand, barking like a vicious dog.

ACE

ARARAR!!!

Melissa jumps out of her skin.

MELISSA

Ohhh!! You bastard!

ACE

(snickering)

I'm sorry. I couldn't stop myself. Are these all the receipts?

MELISSA

(mildly annoyed)

I don't know.

ACE

There's only a dozen of them here.

Ace turns from the file cabinet with a hopeless look on his face. Melissa begins to clean up his mess.

MELISSA

(pointedly)

Gee… maybe they were misplaced because somebody didn't put the files back when he was…

ACE

Who the hell is that?

MELISSA

What…

Ace crosses to a big picture of the '82 team that hangs on the aadjacent wall and points out a player.

ACE

That! Who the hell is that?!

He quickly pulls out his crossed out pictures of the team and begins to compare the two.

MELISSA

Oh, that's Ray Finkle… the kicker. Don't you know who Ray Finkle is?

ACE

No! How come he's not in this picture?!

Melissa checks Ace's photo.

MELISSA

This was the picture you were using? This was taken earlier in the year. Finkle wasn't added to the roster till mid-season.

She starts to realize what Ace has already figured out.

MELISSA (CONT'D)

He's the guy that missed the final field goal in the Super Bowl that year. Cost the Dolphins the game.

ACE

But he got a ring?

MELISSA

Definitely.

INT. STADIUM/PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICE - LATER

Ace and Melissa look through Finkle's file on a microfiche screen. Newspaper articles, headshots flash before them…

MELISSA

'Replacement Kicker Having Great Year'… 'Ready For Super Bowl, Confident Kicker Boasts'.

ACE

'Field Goal Sails Wide, Dolphins Lose Super Bowl'.

MELISSA

The kick heard round the world. That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point.

Another headline hits the screen: FINKLE CONTRACT NOT RENEWED.

MELISSA

Poor guy.

ACE

Poor guy with a motive, baby. Where is he now?

MELISSA

Last I heard, he went back to his home town, Collier County. He used to work in a bar up there.

ACE

(pondering)

REHEHEALLY.

MELISSA

Can you drop me off before you go?

ACE

(shaking his head)

No way. It may not be safe at your apartment, and you shouldn't be left alone.

MELISSA

What do you suggest?

CUT TO:

INT. ACE'S BEDROOM - LATER

We see a person's butt under a sheet coming up into frame repeatedly.

SKIN, SWEAT, SHEETS FLY, as Ace and Melissa roll back and forth on the bed. Ace is taking no prisoners.

CUT TO:

50 animals at the bottom of the bed, with eyes as big as silver dollars, watching them silently. We cut back and forth between furious lovemaking and shots of staring animals.

Melissa and Ace simultaneously reach the pinnacle of pleasure.

MELISSA

(totally amazed and exausted)

OH man… oh man! Oh wow!

ACE

(mock embarrassment)

I'm sorry… that's never happened to me before. I must be tired.

EXT. HIGHWAY ONE - DAY

Various traveling shots of Ace en route to a 'Deliverance' type town deep in the Everglades. A sign reads "Gas - Food - 2 Miles" but the word "Food" is crossed out.

INT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - DAY

A pitifully sad country song plays on the radio. FERN BILBO sits at his cluttered desk with the end of an old shotgun in his mouth. He is struggling to reach the trigger.

Through the glass behind him, we see Ace's car pull up to the only gasoline pump.

DING! The bell rings. Fern begrudgingly takes the gun out of his mouth, sets it down and walks out.

EXT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - CONT

Ace gets out of his car.

ACE

Excuse me, sir. Do you know where I can find the Pigskin Sports Bar?

FERN

Do I have a "kick me" sign on my back, son?

ACE

I wouldn't know anything about that, but if you could point me toward the bar.

Fern breaks down, sobbing.

FERN

They all left me… all of them!

ACE

Well… Hypothetically speaking, say they all left you and went to the Pigskin Sports Bar. How would they have gotten there from here?

FERN

Two miles down and take the first left.

ACE

Thanks very much! Take care now, 'bye 'bye then!

Ace gets into his car and pulls out.

INT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - CONT

Fern enters, sits down at the desk, places the end of the shotgun in his mouth, reaches for the trigger and…

DING! Another car pulls up to the pump. Exasperated, he takes the gun out of his mouth.

FERN

(murmers to himself as he gets up)

Can't get anything done around here…

EXT. PIGSKIN SPORTS BAR - DAY

A weathered dive in the middle of a swamp. Ace parks.

INT PIGSKIN SPORTS BAR - DAY

If depression had a home, this is it. Several dejected men, with various degrees of missing teeth, sit around the bar. A couple hapless guys play pool. One throws darts.

Ace enters, pops a sunflower seed in his mouth and addresses the room.

ACE

Excuse me, guy?! My name is Ace Ventura, I'm a pet detective. I'd like to ask you a few questions if I could.

No one even looks at him.

ACE

Just a few questions, that's all.

Still no one reacts.

ACE

(very up)

Who wants gum?!

Again, no reaction. Ace walks over to the bartender and slides a five across the bar.

ACE

I'm looking for a guy who used to work here.

The bartender takes the money.

BARTENDER

That right?

ACE

He was a kicker for the Dolphins. Ray Finkle.

A pool ball flies by Ace's head shattering a mirror behind the bar. All eyes are on Ace.

ACE

(to guy who threw it)

That would be a scratch.

TOOTHLESS GIANT

You a friend of Finkle's?

ACE

(thinks)

…Yes?

CRASH! The giant guy smashes his bottle.

ACE

Sorry, I have "say the opposite of what you mean" disease.

Several undesirables surround Ace.

TOOTHLESS GIANT

That bastard ruined this town.

ACE

Ewww… I hate that!

HICK #2

We bet everything we had on that Super Bowl and that son of a bitch gagged.

ACE

What a diiick!

They all move closer in a threatening manner.

HICK #3

Shanked a goddamn 26 yarder!!!

ACE

Death to Finkle! Death to Finkle!

The bartender steps in.

BARTENDER

We had a hell of a thing going here. Tourists coming to see Ray Finkle's home town. He was standing right over there when he got the call from the Dolphins.

The bartender points to a payphone. It has had the shit beaten out of it. Every expletive you can think of is graffitied around it.

ACE

Did he come back after the Super Bowl?

BARTENDER

Yeah… but the boys here had ways of letting him know he wasn't welcome.

HICK #1

Excuse me, I gotta take a wicked Finkle.

Laughter.

TOOTHLESS GIANT

What's the difference between Finkle and a jackass? A jackass can kick.

More laughter.

HICK #2

Why did Finkle cross the road?!

ACE

(facetious)

Wait… I know this one.

HICK #2

He didn't! And I've got the hair on my bumper to prove it!

Maniacal laughter and chanting ensues.

MOB

FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS!

ACE

It's good you're dealing with the anger.

(beat)

I don't suppose anyone's seen him lately?

The chanting stops and the guys all look at Ace.

BARTENDER

No… but we know where his parents live! Don't we boys?!

HICK #1

Yeah! We sure do!

They all laugh insanely again.

EXT. HOUSE - DAY

Ace pulls up outside a two-story stilt house. The place has been completely desecrated by graffiti, bullet holes and paint bombs. Toilet paper is strewn through the trees. Ace walks up and knocks on the door. A wooden peephole slides open revealing a suspicious pair of eyes.

ACE

…Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle.

A gun slides out into Ace's face.

ACE

(with a gulp)

And a clean pair of shorts.

A deep gruff voice from inside.

VOICE

What do you know about Ray Finkle?

ACE

Southpaw soccer style kicker. Graduated from Collier High in June, 1976. Stetson University honors graduate, class of 1980. Holds two NCAA division one records. One for most points in a season, one for distance. Former nickname The Mule. The first and only pro athlete ever to come out of Collier County. And one helluva model American.

After a beat the peephole closes. The door slowly creaks open revealing MR. FINKLE, an unsmiling, taciturn, elderly man holding the gun.

MR. FINKLE

Are you another one of them scumbags from 'Hard Copy'?

ACE

No, sir. I'm just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland, sir.

Mrs. Finkle, a sweet, adorable elderly woman comes over.

MRS. FINKLE

Will you put that gun down. The boy's a fan of our son. So nice to meet you. I'm Ray's mother, and this is Ray's father.

INT. FINKLE HOUSE - DAY

ACE

It's a real honor.

MRS. FINKLE

My Ray is so appreciative of his fans. He'll be so pleased you stopped by.

ACE

Are you expecting Ray anytime soon?

MRS. FINKLE

Oh, yes. I expect him home any minute.

Ace is surprised.

MRS. FINKLE

Would you like some cookies? I just baked them.

Mrs. Finkle hurries off to the kitchen. Ace smiles at Mr. Finkle. The guy's a corpse.

ACE

Wow… Ray Finkle's house! Can't wait to meet him!

MR. FINKLE

Ray ain't comin' home.

ACE

But your wife said you expect him home any minute.

MR. FINKLE

She expects him home any minute.

He points to his head, and looks toward the kitchen.

MR. FINKLE

Engines runnin but there's no one behind the wheel. Ten years ago our son escaped from Shady Acres Psychiatric Hospital in Tampa. They're still buggin' us to pick up his stuff.

Mrs. Finkle returns with a plate of football shaped cookies.

MRS. FINKLE

(sweetly)

It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball laces out, like you're supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of Gonorrhea and rot in Hell. Would you like a cookie, son?

Ace takes a cookie. Holding it up.

ACE

Hey, what do ya know. They're little footballs.

MRS. FINKLE

Laces OUT!

CRASH!! A large stone smashes through the window. Outside, a pickup truck filled with drunken patrons from the Pigskin Sports Bar drives by yelling their Finkle chant.

MOB

FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS!…

MRS. FINKLE

I told you he had a lot of fans.

Mrs. Finkle picks up the rock and hurls it out the broken window. It hits one of the vandals, knocking him out cold, as the truck peels away.

MR. FINKLE

(aside to Ace)

She got the arm. The boy got the leg.

INT. HALLWAY - A SHORT TIME LATER

Mrs. Finkle and Ace are walking down the hallway to Ray's room.

MRS. FINKLE

When Ray gets back and starts kicking again, he'll never even know he was gone. I kept his room just the way he left it.

She opens the door to Ray's room. Ace steps in.

INT. RAY'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

It's a death shrine to Dan Marino. Complete with lifesize cutouts of Dan Marino, some with nooses around the neck, other hacked to pieces. Painted on the walls: "Death to Marino!", Marino must die!!!, etc.

ACE

…Oooh boy.

MRS. FINKLE

What a sports nut, huh?

In the center of the room is a movie projector.

ACE

May I?

MRS. FINKLE

Oh yes. By all means.

Mrs. Finkle shuts the lights off. Ace turns on the projector.

The film flickers over the "Marino must die!!!" graffiti. It's the final play of the Super Bowl. Marino takes the snap, Finkle kicks and the ball sails wide. The film repeats itself ad infinitum.

EXT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - DAY

Ace on the payphone. We see the gas station in the background.

ACE

Melissa, it's Ace.

INT. MELISSA'S OFFICE - DAY

MELISSA

Ace? Where are you?

INTERCUT ACE/MELISSA

ACE

I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the Mayor. Where's Dan Marino?

MELISSA

Marino? Why?

ACE

Because he's about to join Snowflake. I gotta know where he is.

MELISSA

Okay, hold on…

Melissa checks Marino's itinerary. Ace waits, impatiently.

ACE

(to himself)

Come on. Come on…

In the background, we see two paramedics exit the gas station office rolling a dead body on a gurney. The area of the sheet that covers the face is a giant red spot. We widen to see them load good old Mr. Bilbo into an ambulance and drive away, ringing the station bell one more time. Ace doesn't notice.

MELISSA

Ah, he had practice. Then… he has a commercial shoot out at the Prescott Sound Stage.

ACE

Where is that?

MELISSA

It's on Route One by the Six Cut Off. Thirty minutes outside of town.

ACE

Okay, that's about fifteen miles from me. Call the police. Get extra security over there now.

MELISSA

Ace, tell me what's going on.

(beat)

Ace?…

The payphone dangles off the hook. Ace is…

EXT. HIGHWAY ONE - DAY

…in his car racing out of the swampland, his heaad now back out the window so he can see. He leaves a faded, old, barely legible sign in his wake: "

WELCOME TO COLLIER COUNTY. HOME OF RAY FINKLE"

The "F" in "FINKLE" has been replaced with "ST" in spray paint.

INT. PRESCOTT STUDIOS - DAY

Rehearsal for an Isotoner ad in progress.

MARINO

…So I protect the hands that protect me. With Isotoners.

Marino gets carted off by FIVE HUGE LINEMEN.

DIRECTOR

Good. Remember, exit camera right. That's to your left. Alright, let's get ready to shoot this.

FIRST A.D.

(to the linemen)

Helmets on this time!

The linemen disperse.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Ace runs a red light causing cars to skid in every direction.

INT. PRESCOTT STUDIO - DAY

Marino is in the make-up chair.

MARINO

(to make-up girl)

See, in 82 we just choked. We had a chance to win it and we didn't –

DIRECTOR

Dan, are you ready?

MARINO

Ah, sure.

(to girl)

I'll tell you later.

EXT. STUDIO - DAY

The cops race onto the lot.

INT. STUDIO - DAY

Marino takes center stage.

A.D. Quiet on the set… roll… speed…

DIRECTOR

…And action!

MARINO

Hi, I'm Dan Marino. If anyone knows the value of protection, it's me…

We see an old clip of Marino getting sacked.

EXT. STUDIO - DAY

Cops scramble on foot to the sound stage.

INT. STUDIO - DAY

The commercial is winding up. The linemen ready themselves.

MARINO

…So I protect the hands that protect me. With Isotoners.

The five linemen grab Marino and run off camera.

DIRECTOR

And cut! That was good. Again from one.

But two of the linemen keep running with Marino…

DIRECTOR

I said cut!!

…And they keep running.

DIRECTOR (CONT'D)

What the hell are they doing?

…Right out the studio door. Then the cops arrive and race after them. Two linemen stumble out of the dressing room holding their heads.

EXT. SOUND STAGE - DAY

Ace skids around a corner, looking way up ahead.

He sees Marino being shoved into a black 81 Ford Bronco. They drive off.

The cops come out of the building on foot. Too late.

Ace in hot pursuit almost runs the cops down.

ACE

(yelling at cops)

S'cuse meee! Pet Detective!

EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY

Ace's head is out the driver's window through the entire chase. As he starts gaining on the bad guys, they start shooting. Ace wisely puts his head inside the car.

ACE'S POV

He can't see shit through his broken windshield.

He pokes his head out again. They shoot again.

Ace swerves off the road into…

EXT. PARK - DAY

Ace's car smashes through benches and tables. Then it flips over a few times and lands on its wheels with a horrid SMASH. Ace is still strapped into the drivers seat, unconscious.

Ace's prized WHITE PIGEON lands on the car door right beside him. Ace cracks his eyes and sees the bird. Then, with a sudden quick lunge he successfully traps it in his hands, and forgets all about Marino.

ACE

I did it! I did it! I caught the white pigeon! I caught the white pigeon!

Ace jumps out of his car and starts skipping around the park with the pigeon held high over his head. He looks insane.

ACE (CONT'D)

(singing)

I caught the white pigeon, I caught the white pigeon, I caught the white…

Ace slows down and begins to look around warily. There are now an unusual number of birds perched on the telephone wires around the park and on the monkey bars, and on the swings.

The sky grows darker. He slowly turns and tries to get back to the car. All the birds take flight.

Ace sets the white pigeon free and starts to run, but it's too late. The birds are on him. Pecking, and gouging, and ripping his flesh.

Now we see ten birds flying away with a leg. Five birds flying away with an arm. Twenty others are trying to take Ace's left arm off, and half his face is missing…

ACE

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK - DAY

Ace is back in his wrecked car with his arm hanging out the window. A small boy is pulling it.

BOY

Hey mister. Hey mister.

Ace come to suddenly, and looks at the boy with a crazed expression.

BOY (CONT'D)

That was a really neat crash, mister. Do it again!

Ace sighs with relief.

EXT. MIAMI - DAY

Various headlines hit the news stands: "MARINO KIDNAPPED" "STAR QB MISSING" "DAN WHERE ARE YOU?"

THE GLOBE HEADLINE: "MARINO ABDUCTED BY ALIEN FRANCHISE!" On the cover, Marino stands with several Space Aliens in football gear.

EXT. POLICE STATION - LATER THAT DAY

A chaotic press conference. Zillions of REPORTERS shout all kinds of questions at Einhorn.

REPORTER

Lieutenant, have there been any ransom demands?

EINHORN

There's been no communication with the kidnappers at this time.

REPORTER #2

What's going to happen to the Super Bowl? Will it be postponed?

EINHORN

As of now, the game is going on as scheduled.

REPORTER #3

Why wasn't the public told about Snowflake's kidnapping?

EINHORN

Secrecy was essential. We didn't want any public interference.

REPORTER

Are the crimes related? And what about Roger Podacter's murder?

EINHORN

I'm sorry. I can't comment any further. Now if you'll excuse me.

Einhorn pushes her way through the crowd of reporters.

INT. POLICE STATION - MOMENTS LATER

Einhorn is barking out orders to other cops as she heads for her office.

EINHORN

Emilio, get me the autopsy on Podacter! Aguado, send out a memo. No one talks to the press…

INT. EINHORN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ACTION

EINHORN

…And somebody get me a cup of coffee!

ACE

(TV announcer's voice)

Tonight on "MIAMI VICE", Crockett geets the boss coffee!

Ace is in her office, popping sunflower seeds, kicking back. Einhorn walks to her private bathroom.

EINHORN

Ventura, when I get out of this bathroom, you better be gone.

ACE

Is it number one or number two?

Einhorn turns and glares at Ace.

ACE

I just want to know how much time I have.

Einhorn goes to the sink and begins washing her hands.

ACE

Oh, by the way, I went ahead and solved that pesky, Snowflake/Podacter/Marino thing.

EINHORN (O.S.)

(humoring him)

Oh yeah?

ACE

yeah, ever hear of a former Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle?

The water shuts off. Einhorn appears around the corner.

EINHORN

Alright, Ventura. Make it quick.

ACE

I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake's tank. It's from a Dolphin '82 AFC Championship ring. It would have been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray Finkle missed the big kick. Blames the whole thing on Marino. We're talking paranoid, delusional psychosis. I saw the guy's room… Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lector.

EINHORN

So how does Roger Podacter fit in?

ACE

My guess is Finkle was snooping around. Podacter recognized him. End of story. As for Snowflake… they gave him Finkle's number, and taught him how to kick a field goal. Finkle took it personally.

Einhorn listens with great interest.

EINHORN

So where is Finkle, now?

ACE

He broke out of a metal hospital. Did a Claude Raines. He's been planning his revenge for years. Waiting for the perfect time to get back at the Dolphins. The time when it would hurt them the most. Super Bowl time! Man, I'm tired of being right!

Einhorn walks in front and sits on the edge of the desk. She's totally softened her demeanor.

EINHORN

Congratulations. You've done some fine detective work, Ace.

ACE

Ahh, could you talk in my good ear. I thought I heard you call me Ace.

Einhorn gets real close.

EINHORN

Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe you are more than just a pet dick.

SHE SUDDENLY PLANTS A MAJOR, TONSIL CLEANING, OPEN MOUTHED KISS ON ACE. Objects are knocked off the desk as they lean back.

ACE

Your gun's digging into my hip.

More kissing, the Ace stops.

EINHORN

(still coming on)

What's wrong, Ace? Want me to read you your rights?

ACE

Maybe later.

EINHORN

What is it? That bony little bitch, Melissa Robinson?

ACE

(defensive)

No. You just don't do anything for me.

He quickly adjusts his crotch, to conceal the erection. Einhorn withdraws with a coy smile.

EINHORN

I'll be here if you ever want a real woman.

There's a sharp KNOCK at the door.

EINHORN

What is it?

Aguado opens the door.

AGUADO

Everything okay in here? Heard some commotion.

EINHORN

Fine, Sergeant.

AGUADO

You want me to throw him out?

EINHORN

Why don't you throw yourself out.

AGUADO

…Yes, ma'am.

A crestfallen Aguado exits. Ace heads for the door.

EINHORN

Ace, I want you to leave everything to us.

ACE

Can't do that, Lieutenant. I was hired to find Snowflake.

EINHORN

When we find Marino, We'll deliver Snowflake.

ACE

When I find Snowflake, I'll deliver Marino.

He exits.

INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT

A full on thrash metal band is cranking on stage. Kids leap wildly into the moshing pit. The same Burnout is still thrashing his head wildly to the music.

ACE

(shouting)

Nice to see you again!

The Burnout just keeps thrashing. Ace spots Woodstock watching the band and joins him.

WOODSTOCK

St. Francis, how's it goin'?

ACE

(kidding)

That's none of your damn business.

WOODSTOCK

Isn't it?

ACE

Is it?

WOODSTOCK

Anything new on that dolphin?

ACE

Got his picture on some tuna cans, but nothing so far.

A singer ROARS on stage. He sounds like a garbage disposal full of cutlery.

SINGER Arroohhghhh! Myrrrooohghhhh! Geroooghhh!

WOODSTOCK

So, what can I do for you today?

ACE

I need info on a football flunky named Ray Finkle.

WOODSTOCK

Sorry, Ace, I can't help you right now. I gotta watch this band! They are the shit!

ACE

Are they?

WOODSTOCK

Aren't they?

ACE

Alright then. Don't worry about it. I mean dolphins aren't exactly an endangered species. It's not like the whole food chain's gonna be affected if one highly intelligent mammal dies a slow and painful death! Hell, if the band is loud enough, you won't even hear its pitiful whimpering!!

Ace does his best suffering dolphin impression. Woodstock is no longer enjoying the band.

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

Woodstock is at his computer. Ace looks over his shoulder. Finkle's Social Security information appears on the screen.

WOODSTOCK

This guy's last reported income was September, 1982.

ACE

Well then. We know he's incredibly thrifty.

WOODSTOCK

Is he?

ACE

Isn't he?

Woodstock types in more information. Finkle's TRW flashes on the screen.

WOODSTOCK

Well, I think we can be pretty sure he's involved in the kidnapping of the dolphin.

ACE

Really? What makes you say that?

WOODSTOCK

There's two-thousand dollars worth of smelts on his VISA card.

After a beat Ace realizes it was a bad joke.

ACE

Please yank me no further. I beg of you.

WOODSTOCK

Alright already. The last time this guy used his credit card was June, '84. He rented a car from Avis. And… eww… he was a bad boy. They found it abandoned two months later in South Miami.

ACE

Anything else?

WOODSTOCK

Nope.

ACE

Well… you did all you could. Thanks for nothin.

WOODSTOCK

Hey man, according to this, your friend Ray Finkle doesn't exist.

ACE

Hmm, I know what that's like.

WOODSTOCK

Do you?

ACE

Don't I?

INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT

Ace emerges from the basement. The band is between songs. Ace strolls by the burnout whose head has now stopped.

ACE

(to burnout)

Did you get all the spiders outta there?

Ace heads out, then freezes. The two thugs that took Marino are standing at the exit. Then they see Ace and start towards him, reaching inside their coats.

Suddenly the music starts. The burnout's head wails again. His manic gyrations interfere with the thugs long enough for Ace to bolt.

One of the thugs pushes the burnout violently against the wall as they pursue Ace.

BURNOUT

(calling, as he gets up)

Thanks, man! You're a great dancer!

Ace pushes his way through the crowd. The thugs follow.

Ace nears the stage. It's wild. People are diving off and getting moshed.

Before the thugs grab him, Ace runs up and throws himself from the stage. The insane crowd begins to pass him around over their heads.

The thugs exchange a look, then dive after Ace, and a "mosh" chase ensues.

Ace is passed back onto the stage as the song comes to an end. The singer is lying there exhausted. Ace sees the crowd starting to put the thugs down, so he quickly grabs the microphone off the floor.

ACE

(screams)

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, SPANK ME MOMMY!!!

The audience looks at Ace for a second. Then the band members exchange a look and go for it!!

It's a nightmarish little ditty. Ace sings like one of Satan's minions.

ACE

URGHHUURRAAAW! ARGHUURRRREEEW!

The crowd seems to understand. They throw the thugs high in the air again and mosh them away from the stage. The Thugs are shooting stray bullets the whole time.

Ace incites the crowd, even more now, with a punching gesture. The crowd follows their new leader, punching with one hand, moshing with the other.

The thugs get the living crap "moshed" out of them.

When the song ends, Ace raises fists in the air. The cheering crowd violently drops the thugs. They're out cold.

EXT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT

Ace's car PEELS OUT and races by the parked '81 Ford Bronco.

EXT. MELISSA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ace's car skids to a halt. He hops out.

INT. MELISSA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

There's a loud BANGING at the door. Melissa awakens, looks at the clock: 3:32 a.m. She drags herself to the door.

MELISSA

Who is it?

ACE (O.S.)

Ira.

MELISSA

Ira who?

ACE (O.S.)

I refuse to do a 'knock knock joke'. Come on, open up!

Melissa opens the door.

MELISSA

Ace, what are you doing? It's the middle of the night!

ACE

You have to commit me.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAWN

Ace's clunker speeds down the highway.

ACE (V.O.)

Finkle escaped from Shady Acres in Tampa. They still have some of his stuff.

MELISSA (V.O.)

So you think they're going to let us just waltz in and look around?

EXT. SHADY ACRES - ESTABLISHING - DAY

A state hospital located on acres of green, manicured lawns.

INT. SHADY ACRES - DAY

The reception area. A DOCTOR is before Melissa.

DOCTOR

Mrs. Robinson? I'm Doctor Handly. Now who is it that you'd like to have us look at?

MELISSA

My brother… Eugene.

ANGLE ON ACE - Looking like the football player who never wore a helmet.

ACE

I'm ready to go in, Coach. Just give me a chance. I know there's a lot riding on it, but it's all psychological. Got to stay in a positive frame of mind. Memorize the play book. Study the films.

Ace strikes a dramatic pose and freezes, with a crazed look on his face.

ACE (CON'T)

I'm gonna execute a button-hook pattern!

He begins to make a play in slow motion.

ACE (CON'T)

Super slo-mo!

CUT TO:

EXT. SHADY ACRES HOSPITAL - DAY

Melissa walks with the Doctor. Patients are sitting around, doing outdoor therapy, etc.

DOCTOR

You're brother won't be the first professional football player we've treated.

MELISSA

Is that right?

DOCTOR

Yes. We're very sensitive to the emotional stress athletes have to endure.

Ace runs across the b.g. screaming "I'm open! I'm open!"

DOCTOR

We'll have to do some preliminary evaluations, but I think your brother will fit in nicely here.

MELISSA

That's a relief, Doctor.

Ace takes a "snap" from a three-foot hedge and dives over it into the end zone. Melissa and the doctor stop to watch him.

DOCTOR

He seems to have some difficulty letting go of the game. Has he had a long history of mental illness?

MELISSA

(truthfully)

As long as I've known him.

Ace does a wild touchdown dance with some of the other patients participating.

INT. SHADY GLADE ACRES - HALLWAY - DAY

The doctor is showing Melissa around. Ace is walking alongside them adjusting his imaginary shoulder pads.

DOCTOR

This is our therapy room… Arts and crafts…

They turn a corner. Ace squats to pick the dirt out of his cleats.

DOCTOR (CON'T)

That's the storage room. This hallway leads to another recreational area –

Ace WHISTLES loudly and gestures like a referee…

ACE

HALFTIIIIME!!

Ace sticks his head in the water fountain then sits down on the bench outside the storage room.

MELISSA

He'll be fine by himself for the next twenty minutes.

DOCTOR

Well, why don't I show you the dormitories, then?

They leave Ace.

After a beat, Ace gets up and does a quick spin pattern into the storage room door.

INT. STORAGE ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Cartons everywhere. Ace does a quick search and locates several boxes maked FINKLE.

Ace looks through the first couple of boxes and finds only clothes. In the third box, he hits the jackpot: He finds sicko arts and crafts dedicated to Marino. Die-Dan potholders, shredded Isotoner gloves. He opens a little diary. "Laces Out!" is insanely scrawled on every page.

Ace finds a newspaper clipping, the headline reads:

SEARCH CALLED OFF FOR MISSING HIKER

ACE

(reading)

A massive search ended today when rescue workers were unable to find the body of Lois Einhorn…

(stunned)

…a camper reported lost since Friday…

(to himself)

Lois Einhorn… holy shit balls.

Ace sits bewildered.

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

The phone rings at Emilio's desk. He answers it.

EMILIO

Echavez.

INT. SHADY ACRES - HALLWAY - DAY

Ace is on the phone. A CRAZY GUY is hovering nearby.

ACE

This is Chicken Little. The sky is falling.

EMILIO

What?

BACK TO EMILIO

A beat as he listens to Ace's news.

EMILIO

I don't get it. What's it mean?

INTERCUT ACE/EMILIO

ACE

It means she's involved in this. The article's dated the day before Finkle disappeared.

EMILIO

Before who disappeared?

ACE

Finkle. Ray Finkle… the guy who took the dolphin? The guy you're supposed to be looking for?! Einhorn didn't tell you, did she?

EMILIO

Hey, Ace. I see where you're goin' with this and you're goin' alone.

A Crazy Guy stands next to Ace now and begins mimicking everything he says.

ACE

Come on, E. I tell her about Finkle, she doesn't tell a soul. I have an article here that connects her with Finkle. You gotta' check her out.

(to Crazy Guy mimicking)

Do you mind?

The Crazy Guy stops and moves to one of the phones.

EMILIO

Ace, I like my job. I get health insurance and benefits.

CRAZY GUY

(into receiver)

I'm the Lindberg Baby. Come and get me.

ACE

Emilio, Einhorn is involved. You're gonna' have to make a decision here.

(beat)

Listen, I gotta get off the phone. I think I just solved the Lindberg case.

Melissa and the Doctor return.

DOCTOR

Well, look who's trying to use the phone.

Ace covers the phone receiver and whispers to them in a heartfelt voice.

ACE

Brian Piccalo is dead.

Ace breaks down. Melissa hangs up the phone and leads him away.

We hear a thrash version of the theme to "Brian's Song" as they exit the hospital.

INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT

Emilio stands at a window, watching Einhorn drive off. The coast is clear so he sneaks into…

INT. EINHORN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

He rifles through her file cabinet. He tears through papers. Then he looks in her desk.

Stuffed in the back of the drawer he finds a personal note: We can make out the signature. Roger. He pockets it and walks out.

EXT. MELISSA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ace and Melissa pull up in the old heap.

ACE

Good job today. You're quite a dirty rotten filthy liar.

MELISSA

(flattered)

Thanks. Are you sure you don't want to stay here with me?

ACE

Naw, I got some thinking to do. Besides, you'd be safer with Salman Rushdie

MELISSA

Okay.

She gets out of the car, then turns and leans in the window.

MELISSA

Listen… I know there isn't much time left. The game is tomorrow. But I know you've done your best. It's just an impossible situation. I don't expect..

ACE

Hey…

Ace leans over and kisses her.

ACE (CONT'D)

…bet on the Dolphins.

INT. ACE'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT

CLOSE UP: ANSWERING MACHINE

Wiggles' nose enters frame and hits the play button.

MESSAGE #1

(Shickadance rasp)

Venturaaaa? Your time is up! You're out! You hear me?! No rent… no roof!

We widen to find Ace on the couch listening.

MESSAGE #2

Ace, it's E. Got something you might find interesting. It's a note from Podacter to Einhorn, thanking her for a wonderful Saturday night. This is too weird, man?

ACE

Wiggles, rewind.

Wiggles obediently hits another button and rewinds the phone tape. Ace pops sunflower seeds, and holds some evidence aloft thinking. A bird eats seeds out of his naval.

ACE

What the hell does Lois Einhorn have to do with Ray Finkle? Come on, think!

DISSOLVE TO:

Later. Ace is posed like Rodin's "The Thinker".

ACE

Finkle and Einhorn. In it together. How? Why?

A small monkey sits in the same position. Mocking Ace.

DISSOLVE TO:

Later still. Ace pacing, jumping up and down. Trying to get his intuitive juices flowing. The monkey is likewise, jumping on the mantle.

ACE

Alright! Here we go! Answer's right there! Just gotta get some blood to the brain! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn!

The animals all watch him like he's crazy.

DISSOLVE TO:

Daybreak. Ace sits staring at a picture of Finkle on the coffee table. He's totally spent and on the verge of tears.

ACE

(whimpering)

Finkle and Einhorn. Einhorn and Finkle.

He turns to see the monkey crashed out in a heap on a sofa pillow.

ACE

(to sleeping monkey)

Quitter.

Wiggles jumps up onto the coffee table now. Ace can't be bothered with him.

ACE

What do you want? Huh?

Wiggles whines at the tone of Ace's voice.

ACE (CONT'D)

What? I got no food for you. You gotta have money to buy food. I gotta find the dolphin to get the money. I don't see any dolphins around here, do you? Face it, it's hopeless… your master is a LOSER.

Ace buries his face in his hands. His dog Wiggles does the same. Then Ace looks up again.

ACE

LOO… HOO…

Suddenly he is silenced by something amazing.

Wiggles' dark haired floppy ears are lying around Finkle's picture like a wig. Ace combs the hair over the head shot. The "make-over" is unmistakable. It's Einhorn!!

ACE

Oh, my god! That's it!

He jumps up, estatic.

ACE

Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is Einhorn!… Einhorn is a man!!!

Ace's expression quickly turns sour.

ACE

OH MY GOD!!! EINHORN IS A MAN!!!

MUSIC UP: AEROSMITH'S DUD LOOKS LIKE A LADY…

Ace makes a mad dash into the bathroom.

INT. ACE'S BATHROOM - MORNING - QUICK CUTS

…Ace furiously brushes his teeth.

…Ace rinses with mouthwash, spits it out and gags.

…Ace is in the shower. He slowly curls up into a ball under the steaming water with an expression of horror on his face.

INT. EINHORN'S HOUSE - DAY

CLOSE UP:

A woman's leg being shaved.

Woman sexily putting on nylons.

Woman hands squeezing perfume bulb.

Woman's hand putting on AFC championship ring. One stone is missing.

EXT. EINHORN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Ace sticks wads of gum in his mouth while he watches Einhorn's house from his car.

ACE

(remembering)

You're gun is sticking into my hip. Yeeeekkkk!

Einhorn comes out her front door and gets into her car. Ace shudders once more and then follows her.

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

The road is jammed in one direction. Going towards the Super Bowl. Einhorn drives in the opposite direction. Out of town. Ace tails her at a safe distance, with his head out the window, of course.

INT. BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY

Various shots of crazy fans, piling into the stadium.

INT. STADIUM OWNER'S BOX - DAY

Melissa, BOBBY RIDDLE, and GUESTS all amidst the usual pre-game hobnobbing. Most of the talk centers on the loss of Marino.

Emilio, in full uniform, and a couple cops are providing extra security for the box.

EXT. HIGHWAY ONE - DAY

Einhorn drives south out of town. The area's getting remote. Ace follows.

Einhorn turns down a deserted road and comes to…

EXT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY

A large, abandoned industrial facility. Einhorn parks, disappears inside…

A few beats later, Ace kills the engine and exits singing the score to "Mission Impossible".

INT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY

Immense machines and swimming pool sized cauldrons.

Ace cautiously makes his way through the desolate site, singing quietly now. He stops when he hears a familiar voice.

JOHN MADDEN (O.S.)

I particularly like the match-ups of the defense.

Ace sees a weird sight: A HUGE TV PROJECTION SCREEN tuned to the Super Bowl pre-game show. Marino is tied to a football tackling sled. The two thugs take turns running into Dan with their shoulders, driving him back five feet each time.

JOHN MADDEN (ON TV)

…But the real story of this game is the absence of Dan Marino. Him being kidnapped and all has got to be a strain on this Miami team. I really feel sorry for those guys! I mean, it's hard enough enduring the pressure of the Super Bowl, without your star quarterback gettin' himself kidnapped. This is the whole ball of wax, folks! You wanna' get kidnapped, you do it in the off season!…

Marino looks incredulously at the screen. Next to him, Snowflake "watches" from a ground level cistern serving as an ad hoc tank.

Ace sneaks closer.

INT. BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY

The crowd quiets as Jon Bon Jovi prepares to sing the National Anthem.

Various shots of fans all standing at attention.

In the owners box, Melissa looks to Emilio. Nothing's new.

INT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY

Einhorn is now in front of the big screen TV SINGING the National Anthem along with Bon Jovi. The thugs, VINNIE and ROC, are behind her standing at attention.

The song ends. The crowd cheers.

In a sultry fashion Einhorn circles Marino now.

EINHORN

I just love Super Bowl Sunday, don't you, Dan? A magical afternoon where dreams are made… or crushed!

DAN

Look lady, if you want tickets, you're going about it in the wrong way.

EINHORN

Do I look familiar to you, Dan? Does it seem as if we've met someplace before?

DAN

I don't know… I get hit in the head a lot!

On the TV the ref makes an announcement.

REF It's tails. The Eagles will receive.

Dan really struggles now.

EINHORN

Oops. Looks like we're going to have to kick, Dan.

Einhorn steps behind a football set up on a tee. And in perfect sync with the kicker on TV, she boots a ball through a window of the warehouse.

Marino doesn't know what to think.

EINHORN

I made some refreshments, Dan. Would you like some refreshments, Dan? I'll be right back, Daaaan!!

She goes. Dan struggles, but to no avail.

MARINO

Look, I don't know how much psycho woman is paying you guys, but I can double it.

VINNIE

Sorry, Danny boy. Psycho woman keeps us out of prison.

Vinnie grabs a feeder fish and entices Snowflake to the surface. Roc raises a football.

ROC Hey, Marino, check it out. I'm throwin' passes to a Dolphin!

He chucks the ball and hits Snowflake, hard. The thugs both laugh hysterically.

Snowflake makes an angry leap and drenches the thugs. Snowflake laughs now, the thugs are furious.

VINNIE

Get some more fish!

INT. BEHIND MACHINERY - CONTINUOUS

Roc walks behind a big piece of machinery, reaches down for the pail of smelts, but sees nothing.

ROC Where the hell's the smelts?

He stands up straight and we all hear that familiar "Pop" of a sunflower seed being cracked open.

Roc's eyes widen. He turns and sees…

Ace coyly smiles at him, blows the sunflower seed shells into his face and CLANG! He whacks Roc in the head with a pail full of fish.

ACE

(doing Brando)

He sleeps with the fishes.

INT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - CONTINUOUS

VINNIE

Hey Roc, what the hell was that?

Vinnie cocks his gun and goes to check out the sound.

INT. BEHIND MACHINERY - CONTINUOUS

Vinnie rounds the corner and sees nothing. He walks a little further and notices a trail of smelts lined up on the ground.

He follows the trail around a corner and we see Roc, unconscious but moaning. He is sitting against the ground, with his legs spread apart and the pail over his head. The trail of smelts leads to his crotch. There is one halfway into his zipper, with its tail flipping.

Vinnie takes in this sight, then rushes over to Roc and stands him up.

VINNIE

Hey man! What happened? What's goin on…?

We see Ace at the top of a giant machine. He is aiming a 200 pound steel hook, that hangs on a chain from the ceiling.

ACE

Guess what, boys, it's nap time.

Ace gently releases the hook. Just as Vinnie and Roc turn to look, the iron hook shears both of their heads clean off.

Two headless bodies fall to the ground in slow motion with blood gushing from their necks.

CLOSE ON ACE - HORRIFIED

ACE

Hooooly Shiiit! Oh my god! I didn't mean to - Oh man!!!

Ace holds his head and dances around, completely freaking out what he had done.

ACE

(looking to God)

Lord, I swear! I just wanted to knock them out!

Ace abruptly stops to think.

ACE

Is that murder? I don't know. They were gonna kill me. But they didn't… But they tried. That's self defense. That's it!! I have nothing to worry about!!

CUT TO:

Ace nervously whistling as he wipes his fingerprints off the hook.

INT. IRONWORKS FACTORY - FACTORY

Ace checks on Snowflake then goes to Marino. He signals for Dan to keep quiet, then starts to untie him.

MARINO

(whispers)

Who are you?

ACE

(whispers)

Ace Ventura. Pet detective. I've been sent in with a special play.

(whispers)

Quarterback sneak.

WE HEAR THE CLICK OF A GUN.

EINHORN (O.S.)

Penalty. Too many men on the field.

Ace turns. Einhorn's holding a gun on them from the other side of Snowflake's tank.

EINHORN (CON'T)

I warned you, Ventura.

ACE

What happened to "Ace"?

EINHORN

Good question.

She pulls out a cellular phone and dials.

ACE

Be careful with that phone, lieutenant. I wouldn't want you to get a tumor.

EINHORN

(into phone)

Sergeant Aguado, it's Lt. Einhorn. Get some men over to the old ironworks factory on Victoria Road. I've got the kidnapper trapped in the warehouse. It's Ace Ventura. He's killed Marino and Snowflake.

Einhorn smiles as she puts the phone away.

EINHORN

Vinnie! Roc! Get in here!

Ace gets a very guilty look.

ACE

What? Who are they? You mean there's other people here?

EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY

A battalion of cop cars screech away as we hear…

RADIO DISPATCHER

(V.O.)

Attention all units. Code 11 in progress at 343 Victorville Road. Officer needs back-up…

INT. BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM OWNER'S BOX - DAY

The cops and Emilio listen to their ear pieces…

RADIO DISPATCHER

(V.O.)

…Suspect's name: Ace Ventura, male Caucasian, he is armed and dangerous…

Emilio nudges Melissa.

EMILIO

It's Ace. Let's go.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Emilio high tails it out of there. Dodging concession stand patrons, bathroom lines, etc… Melissa runs behind, trying to catch up.

MELISSA

Emilio, is he in trouble?

EMILIO

Don't worry, there's nothing Ace can't handle!

INT. IRONWORKS FACTORY - DAY

Einhorn cocks her gun. Ace's face is glistening with tears. He's a complete wreck.

ACE

Don't kill meeee!! Pleeheeheeheeheeeezzz!!! I'll never tell anyone! I swear!

(indicating Marino)

He's the one you want!! Kill him!!

MARINO

(indicating Ace)

No… kill him!

The two argue. Einhorn fires a shot in the air to stop them.

EINHORN

No, I'm gonna kill the dolphin first.

(to Ace)

I wouldn't want you to miss that.

Einhorn walks to the edge of the tank. She aims the gun at Snowflake and FIRES!

We see the bullet miss Snowflake under water.

Snowflake swims wildly. She FIRES again! Misses again. Suddenly, Ace HOLLERS!

ACE

Blue forty-two!!

Einhorn turns to Ace.

EINHORN

SHUT UP!!

ACE

BLUE FORTY-TWO!

Einhorn shoots at Ace! He dives out of the way.

ACE

HUT! HUT!

Suddenly, Snowflake leaps out of the water and takes the gun out of Einhorn's hand, like the trick we saw earlier. Snowflake swims around the pool with the gun in his mouth.

ACE

(smug)

Yes. The highly trained dolphin. Perhaps the smartest mammal in the animal kingdom. See how he knew exactly what I wanted him to do, as if our minds were somehow in complete synchronization. They have been know to save men at sea you know. They have their own language.

(to Snowflake)

Snowflake. Come here, Snowflake! Bring me the gun!

(makes dolphin sounds)

EEEEEE! EEEEEE! EEEEEE!

Just like the trick in his routine, however, Snowflake swims around the tank, passes Ace, then hands the gun back to Einhorn. He finishes with a tail walk.

ACE

(under his breath)

Stupid fish.

ON TV: Miami's kicker boots a perfect field goal from fifty yards.

JOHN MADDEN

He got all of his leg into that one!

The field goal kicker is hugged by his teammates.

ACE

Good to see someone who doesn't buckle under the pressure?

MARINO

Yeah, not like in 82 when we choked…

Einhorn walks to Ace and puts the gun against his head.

EINHORN

What would you know about pressure?

ACE

Well, I've kissed a man.

JOHN MADDEN (ON TV)

Of course, there's never been a more crucial kick than the famous Kick heard 'round the world…

The famous footage airs on TV. They all turn to watch.

JOHN MADDEN

…I mean, it's clear to me that it was a good hold. Finkle just booted it.

EINHORN

The laces weren't out. THE LACES WEREN'T OUT!!

Einhorn takes a shot at the screen, creating a hole in Madden's forehead. Ace uses the moment to smack the gun out of her hand.

A HUGE, NO-HOLDS-BARRED FIGHT ensues. Ace and Einhorn punch each other about the face and stomach.

Einhorn throws a punch at Ace. Ace goes down.

Einhorn goes for the loose gun. Ace leaps and tackles her.

They both crash into old rusty equipment, raising a mountain of dust. Marino struggles all the while trying to get free.

Einhorn kicks Ace. He flies into Marino.

MARINO

Having a little trouble with the lady, Ace?

ACE

(out of breath)

You don't understand, she's a –

Einhorn grabs Ace, throws him into a head lock and begins wailing on his face.

Meanwhile, cops start arriving, SWAT team members disperse onto the catwalk as the fight continues. They try but can't get a bead on Ace as the two roll around on the floor.

More punches. They fight up a flight of stairs, then back down. To the amazement of the SWAT team, Ace and Einhorn slug it out as equals.

AGUADO

(caught up)

Get him, Lois!

Now they crash through a plate glass window together. Ace gets to his knees first and wobbles toward the gun. It's the first clear shot the SWAT team has had.

EINHORN

(screaming)

Shoot him! Shoot him!

We all hear the guns cocked. We see Ace in the rifle sights. We see fingers twitch on triggers.

A loud voice comes from off camera.

EMILIO

DON'T SHOOT! HOLD YOUR FIRE!

Melissa is holding Emilio's gun under his chin.

MELISSA

Put down your guns or this cop gets it!

The SWAT team hesitates.

MELISSA (CONT'D)

I mean it!!

Much to Emilio's surprise, she cocks the gun.

EMILIO

(whispers to Melissa)

Ah… Melissa? That's a hair trigger.

(loud to cops)

She's not joking!

The SWAT team leader signals his men. They lower their guns. Einhorn gets back to her feet.

EINHORN

He kidnapped Snowflake. He killed Roger Podacter, and he was about to kill Dan Marino and me!

ACE

Ho, ho! Fiction can be fun! But I find the reference section much more enlightening.

(doing his best Clarence Darrow)

For instance, if you were to look up 'professional football's all time bonehead plays', you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed a twenty-six yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl Seventeen.

(in one breath)

What you wouldn't read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, and was committed to a mental institute, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hker, seducing her way to the top, in a diabolical plan to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the entire thing!!!

Ace gasps for air. Everyone is totally confused.

AGUADO

What the hell are you trying to say?

ACE

She's not Lois Einhorn! She's Ray Finkle! She's a man!

EINHORN

He's lying! Shoot him!

Ace walks over to her.

ACE

Let's just see who's lying. Would a real woman have to wear one of these?

Ace dramatically pulls at Einhorn's hair, thinking it's a wig. Einhorn's head flies back. The hair is real. Ace keeps tugging it.

The SWAT team ready themselves.

ACE (CONT'D)

Boy, that's really on there! But tell me this: Would a real woman be missing these?!

Ace rips open Einhorn's blouse, and reveals two beautiful feminine breasts.

The sharp shooters are tensing. Ace is laughing nervously now.

ACE

Ha, ha, ha! That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend! But I doubt if she could find the time during her busy schedule to get rid of Mr. Knish!!

Ace rips off Einhorn's skirt. Einhorn now stands there fully nude. She appears to be the perfect figure of a woman.

ACE

Oooh boy.

Ace looks at Melissa and Emilio and shrugs his shoulders. Then, just when it seems all is lost, Dan Marino who is back behind Einhorn, motions for Ace to come over.

MARINO

Psst… Ace. Come here.

ACE

(to everyone)

Could you excuse me just a second.

Ace goes to Dan. Melissa still holds Emilio hostage.

EINHORN

Shoot him. Shoot him, now!!

MELISSA

(to cops)

Don't anybody make a move!

Marino whispers something in his ear. Ace looks confident again. He once more addresses the crowd.

ACE

Ladies and gentlemen, my esteemed colleague Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal minds can be wrong, from time to time. But, if I have been mistaken… if the lieutenant is indeed a woman… then my friends, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen!!!

Ace spins Einhorn around now, exposing to the world, the healthy set of male genetalia that Finkle has learned to keep tucked between his legs. (And if we have any balls, we'll actually show it.)

Everyone gasps. CLOSE UP ON EINHORN/FINKLE. He finally drops the facade.

FINKLE

(deepest voice possible)

It was Marino's fault. The laces were in.

(breaking down now)

They were IN!!!

Quick cuts of all the cops spitting with disgust. Then Emilio spits.

Then CLOSE ON Marino spitting. They all have kissed her/him/it. Even Snowflake blows his spout.

Ace confidently cracks a sunflower seed.

ACE

Somebody read it its rights.

Suddenly, Finkle picks up a shard of broken glass and lunges at Ace.

FINKLE

DIE ANIMAL BOYYYYY!!!

Thinking fast Ace sidesteps Finkle and sends him head first into Snowflake's makeshift tank. After a few seconds Finkle fights his way to the surface and thrashes around, helplessly.

FINKLE

(gasping for air)

Help I can't swim!!!

Finkle goes under again. We see him under water sinking down.

Snowflake swims to him now, allowing him to grab onto his fin and pulls Finkle gently to the side of the pool. Finkle lies there exhausted.

Ace reaches down into frame, removing the '82 AFC Championship ring from Finkle's finger. We see that it's the ring with the missing stone. Ace replaces it with the stone in his pocket. It's a perfect fit.

ACE

LLLOOOSER! LLOO HOO SERR HERR HERR!!!

Melissa is still holding the gun on Emilio.

EMILIO

Melissa… you can give me back my gun now.

Melissa has forgotten she even had the gun. She hands it to Emilio and faints in his arms.

Now Aguado appears beside Ace.

AGUADO

I don't know how you did it, Ventura… but that was damn good police work. Alright guys, let's wrap this up!

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

Twenty or more police cars in single file provide more than ample escort for…

…Ace and Marino in Ace's Chevy Bel-Aire with the cracked windshield. Both of them have their heads sticking out so that they can see. Marino has a wad of gum in his mouth.

HIGH ANGLE

The long line of flashing lights and cop cars drives at top speed up Route One. Ace's Bel-Aire right in the middle.

MARINO (O.S.)

hey Ace?

ACE (O.S.)

Yeah, Dan?

MARINO (O.S.)

Got any more gum?

CUT TO:

INT. STADIUM - DAY

The Super Bowl Halftime Show is in progress. Marino is in uniform warming up. Emilio is drooling at the cheerleaders. Ace and Melissa are standing near the fifty yard line taking in the awesome spectacle.

Some fireworks go off around the tank. A marching band plays a triumphant tune. We see a helicopter come up over the side of the stadium carrying Snowflake.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

Ladies and gentlemen, the Miami Dolphins are proud to welcome back to BOBBY RIDDLE Stadium, our beloved mascot and star of the halftime show…

ANGLE ON

The helicopter lowering Snowflake into his tank.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

Snowflake!!

As the crowd roars, Melissa turns to Ace, and with Snowflake in the background performing spectacular flips, they kiss.

ANOTHER ANGLE

As Melissa and Ace kiss, the prized 'White Pigeon' lands on a Gatorade dispenser in the foreground. Ace spots it and starts to make a move.

Just as he closes in for the grab, the Philadelphia Eagles mascot eagle walks up to get a drink and shoos the pigeon away. Ace is furious.

ACE

You idiot! Do you know what you've done?!

The giant eagle head looks up at Ace.

MASCOT

Huh?

Ace grabs him.

ACE

You just cost me ten thousand bucks, Polly!

MASCOT

Yeah Blow me.

ACE

REE HEE HEE HEELYYY?!!!

PULL BACK to find Eagle's mascot and Ace arguing. We can't hear what's said, but there's a lot of finger pointing.

Emilio stops his leering to check out what's going on.

The ANNOUNCER up in the booth reads a release.

ANNOUNCER

The National Football League would now like to offer a special thank you to the man who rescued Dan Marino and our beloved Snowflake…

On the field the mascot shoves Ace. Ace shoves back.

ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)

A great humanitarian, and lover of all animals… Mr. Ace Ventura!

Ace is straddling the eagle, pounding the shit out of giant head.

The image is flashed on the big stadium screen. We freeze frame on this huge picture of Ace, as he looks into camera with his fist raised.

MUSIC UP: THRASH METAL

ROLL CREDITS

THE END

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