User:Asbestosstar

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mr asshole was here

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[The music Reminded by Drowning Pool plays]

Bardock: Frieza! I'm coming for you, you murderous self-serving traitor! It's over!

Frieza's soldiers: All hail, Lord Frieza!

Bardock: [Chuckling] No way, Frieza. You lived long enough! Actually it's been too long far for my taste. Frieza, listen up! We quit! All of us! Got it!? We don't work for you anymore! We're free! You can find someone else to do your dirty work! Oh yeah! [Chuckling] There's one last thing... [Charges a Final Spirit Cannon]

Narrator: Deployed on a routine military operation, the Saiyan baby Kakarot flies toward Earth, missing the deadly surprise attack on his home planet. His father Bardock confronts the assailants, Frieza and his entire army, alone.

Bardock: This is for all the people we killed in your name! Here, have it! [launches a Final Spirit Cannon]

Frieza: [Evil Laughter]

[uses his Death Ball, as the Final Spirit Cannon has no effect on the Death Ball]

Bardock: No way!

[Everyone screams, as Bardock gets hit by the Death Ball, causing his armor to disintegrate; inside a nearby spaceship, Cooler and his henchmen watch Bardock's death]

Dore: That's the guy right there, Bardock.

Salza: He doesn't look so frightening to me. Anyway, he's space dust now. And there goes the whole monkey farm. Now, this is light entertainment. [Salza notices Goku in his space pod.]

Hm? What's this? Someone's getting away! Magnify the image!

Neiz: Right, I'm on it Salza!

Salza: I want an interior view as well!

Neiz: That's it, got it.

Salza: Where does he think he's going?!

Neiz: It looks like he's heading towards a planet called Earth! Intercept course?

Salza: Yes.

Cooler: Belay that order.

Doore: Sire!

Neiz: Yes sir!

Salza: But.. someone is escaping!

Cooler: Frieza is the one in charge of this quadrant, let him clean up his own mess. I've got seven planets to destroy by the end of the day. Why should I allow myself to get behind schedule just to cover his mistake?

Besides, he's just a Saiyan child. He's no threat to us. [Cooler stares at Frieza laughing on the monitor.]

Ah, look at him! What foolishness! He's so pleased with that himself he's blinded by his arrogant pride! That could be King Vegeta on that space pod for all he knows!

You've got a lot to learn, brother. Let's get out of here!

[Opening]

[at Roshi's Island, Goku trains and launches Kamehameha on the water]

Master Roshi: Look at that! I can see clear to the main land, Goku! That's amazing!

Goku: Awesome huh? Watch this. I can make the walls go higher!

Master Roshi (thinking to himself): Remarkable. He's never trained harder, but he's so relaxed and talkative about it. Beating Frieza changed him.

[[[Goku's House]]]

Gohan: [Doing work] There... divide that by 10...

Chi-Chi: Hi! I thought my little scholar might be thirsty. Here's some tea. [Notices Icarus in window] Hm? Hey! What do think you're doing? I know what you're up to. Now you get out of here.

Goku: Icarus, leave Gohan alone, he's trying to finish his homework.

Chi-Chi: What? Did you hear what your father just said? He told Icarus to leave you alone because you were doing your... homework. Goku? Are you feeling ok, honey?

Goku: Oh yeah, I'm feeling just fine.

Chi-Chi: Are you sure you don't have a fever, Goku? You sound a little strange.

Goku: No, I feel great. I just want Gohan to finish his homework.

Chi-Chi: Yep, I knew it, I knew it. Goku has never cared if you finish your homework. Gohan, I'm afraid there's something seriously wrong with your father. I wonder if all this fighting has finally knocked a few screws loose in Goku's head. That's it! He must have bruised his brain...


Gohan: Betcha never thought you could fly this fast. Did ya? [Giggling, as Salza, Neiz and Dore pop out]

Salza: So, going somewhere, monkey boy?

Gohan: Uh oh! Icarus, let's get out of here, quick!

Dore: Let em have it, Salza!

Neiz: [Laughing]

[Salza launches his Finger Beam attack on Icarus' wings as Gohan loses control, and the music Falling Down by Breaking Point plays]

Gohan: It's okay I gotcha. [Dore kicks Gohan causing Icarus to fall in the woods] Icarus! [The Armored Squadron hit Gohan causing Dore to grab Gohan}

Dore: [chuckling] Huh? Hey, whatcha got in the bag there, monkey boy. [uses his hands to get the bad] Give it here. Give it. Alright! That's it! You're going bye-bye, kid! [Gohan growls in frustration] I call this mine can-opener with your attack. [he gets blasted in the back by an energy blast]

Neiz: Dore!

Dore: Who did that!?

Piccolo: That would be me!

Salza: A Namek? Out here?

Dore: [about Planet Namek] Why isn't that toad on his own world where he belongs?

Neiz: Frieza blew it up.

Dore: Oh, oh yeah. Yeah.

Gohan: Yeah. Piccolo.

Dore: [to Piccolo] It's all over for you, Namek! You're going to die!

Piccolo: Not likely. [takes off his turban] I've seen you fight.

Dore: I'M GOING RIP YOU APART!!! [Launches up and punches Piccolo's cape] Where'd he go!

[Piccolo appears and hits Dore in the helmet causing him to fall to the ground]

Dore: DARN IT!! I...CAN'T... [blasts Doore, he screams and dies and explodes]

Neiz: Dore. [to Piccolo] You're dead! [growls in frustration, when using a pink shock wave with Piccolo fighting with Salza] Have it! [blasts Piccolo]

Salza: [Evil laughter] You look like a buch of dear caught in the headlights! [Laughs evilly] You lose suckers! Now die! [Piccolo launches a Special Beam Cannon and shot Salza in the back, as he starts gasping, and falls over]

Goku and Krillin: Huh?

Gohan: I don't see him. [giggles] Piccolo! I know you're there! Come out! Piccolo!

[later, Piccolo drinks water, and regenerates as the song Phoneix by Breaking Point plays]

[Credits]


SEINFIEEEEEEELDLEDLELDE

According to all known laws of aviation,


there is no way a bee should be able to fly.


Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.


The bee, of course, flies anyway


because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.


Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.


Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.


Barry! Breakfast is ready!


Ooming!


Hang on a second.


Hello?


- Barry? - Adam?


- Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.


Looking sharp.


Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.


Sorry. I'm excited.


Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.


A perfect report card, all B's.


Very proud.


Ma! I got a thing going here.


- You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!


- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!


Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!


- Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry.


- Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation.


Never thought I'd make it.


Three days grade school, three days high school.


Those were awkward.


Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive.


You did come back different.


- Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.


- Hear about Frankie? - Yeah.


- You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going.


Everybody knows, sting someone, you die.


Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead.


I guess he could have just gotten out of the way.


I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day.


That's why we don't need vacations.


Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances.


- Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are!


- Bee-men. - Amen!


Hallelujah!


Students, faculty, distinguished bees,


please welcome Dean Buzzwell.


Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of...


...9:15.


That concludes our ceremonies.


And begins your career at Honex Industries!


Will we pick ourjob today?


I heard it's just orientation.


Heads up! Here we go.


Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times.


- Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary.


Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco


and a part of the Hexagon Group.


This is it!


Wow.


Wow.


We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life


to get to the point where you can work for your whole life.


Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.


Our top-secret formula


is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured


into this soothing sweet syrup


with its distinctive golden glow you know as...


Honey!


- That girl was hot. - She's my cousin!


- She is? - Yes, we're all cousins.


- Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive


to improve every aspect of bee existence.


These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology.


- What do you think he makes? - Not enough.


Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman.


- What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey


that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions.


Oan anyone work on the Krelman?


Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know


that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot.


But choose carefully


because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life.


The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that.


What's the difference?


You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off


in 27 million years.


So you'll just work us to death?


We'll sure try.


Wow! That blew my mind!


"What's the difference?" How can you say that?


One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make.


I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life.


But, Adam, how could they never have told us that?


Why would you question anything? We're bees.


We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth.


You ever think maybe things work a little too well here?


Like what? Give me one example.


I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about.


Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach.


Wait a second. Oheck it out.


- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow.


I've never seen them this close.


They know what it's like outside the hive.


Yeah, but some don't come back.


- Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks!


You guys did great!


You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!


- I wonder where they were. - I don't know.


Their day's not planned.


Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what.


You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that.


Right.


Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime.


It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it.


Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it.


Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too?


Distant. Distant.


Look at these two.


- Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them.


It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock.


Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom!


He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me!


- Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out.


What were you doing during this?


Trying to alert the authorities.


I can autograph that.


A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades?


Yeah. Gusty.


We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow.


- Six miles, huh? - Barry!


A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it.


- Maybe I am. - You are not!


We're going 0900 at J-Gate.


What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough?


I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means.


Hey, Honex!


Dad, you surprised me.


You decide what you're interested in?


- Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one.


Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day?


Son, let me tell you about stirring.


You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around.


You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing.


You know, Dad, the more I think about it,


maybe the honey field just isn't right for me.


You were thinking of what, making balloon animals?


That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger.


Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey!


- Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny.


You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer!


- You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me!


Wait till you see the sticks I have.


I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!


Let's open some honey and celebrate!


Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae.


Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!


I'm so proud.


- We're starting work today! - Today's the day.


Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone.


Yeah, right.


Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal...


- Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left!


One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side.


- What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar!


Wow!


Oouple of newbies?


Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!


Make your choice.


- You want to go first? - No, you go.


Oh, my. What's available?


Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think.


- Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on.


I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.


Wax monkey's always open.


The Krelman opened up again.


What happened?


A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one.


Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.


Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life!


Oh, this is so hard!


Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,


humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,


mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry?


Barry!


All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine...


What happened to you? Where are you?


- I'm going out. - Out? Out where?


- Out there. - Oh, no!


I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life.


You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?


Another call coming in.


If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd


that gets their roses today.


Hey, guys.


- Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?


Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.


It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.


Really? Feeling lucky, are you?


Sign here, here. Just initial that.


- Thank you. - OK.


You got a rain advisory today,


and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain.


So be careful. As always, watch your brooms,


hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats.


Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us.


Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada!


- That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies,


bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans!


All right, launch positions!


Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!


Black and yellow!


Hello!


You ready for this, hot shot?


Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.


Wind, check.


- Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check.


- Wings, check. - Stinger, check.


Scared out of my shorts, check.


OK, ladies,


let's move it out!


Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers!


All of you, drain those flowers!


Wow! I'm out!


I can't believe I'm out!


So blue.


I feel so fast and free!


Box kite!


Wow!


Flowers!


This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual.


Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.


Roses!


30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.


Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick.


That is one nectar collector!


- Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir.


I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there,


a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic.


That's amazing. Why do we do that?


That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.


Oool.


I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?


Oopy that visual.


Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move.


Say again? You're reporting a moving flower?


Affirmative.


That was on the line!


This is the coolest. What is it?


I don't know, but I'm loving this color.


It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it.


Yeah, fuzzy.


Ohemical-y.


Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.


My sweet lord of bees!


Oandy-brain, get off there!


Problem!


- Guys! - This could be bad.


Affirmative.


Very close.


Gonna hurt.


Mama's little boy.


You are way out of position, rookie!


Ooming in at you like a missile!


Help me!


I don't think these are flowers.


- Should we tell him? - I think he knows.


What is this?!


Match point!


You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it!


Yowser!


Gross.


There's a bee in the car!


- Do something! - I'm driving!


- Hi, bee. - He's back here!


He's going to sting me!


Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze!


He blinked!


Spray him, Granny!


What are you doing?!


Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable.


I gotta get home.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!


Ken, could you close the window please?


Ken, could you close the window please?


Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure.


You see? Folds out.


Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.


What was that?


Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This...


Drapes!


That is diabolical.


It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.


What's number one? Star Wars?


Nah, I don't go for that...


...kind of stuff.


No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds.


When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.


There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.


I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it.


I predicted global warming.


I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me.


Wait! Stop! Bee!


Stand back. These are winter boots.


Wait!


Don't kill him!


You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me!


Why does his life have less value than yours?


Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement?


I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling.


My brochure!


There you go, little guy.


I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing.


Put that on your resume brochure.


My whole face could puff up.


Make it one of your special skills.


Knocking someone out is also a special skill.


Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.


- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.


- You could put carob chips on there. - Bye.


- Supposed to be less calories. - Bye.


I gotta say something.


She saved my life. I gotta say something.


All right, here it goes.


Nah.


What would I say?


I could really get in trouble.


It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human.


I can't believe I'm doing this.


I've got to.


Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!


No. Yes. No.


Do it. I can't.


How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good.


Here she comes! Speak, you fool!


Hi!


I'm sorry.


- You're talking. - Yes, I know.


You're talking!


I'm so sorry.


No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming.


But I don't recall going to bed.


Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting.


This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee!


I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this,


but they were all trying to kill me.


And if it wasn't for you...


I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised.


That was a little weird.


- I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah.


I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me!


I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now.


- Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What?


The talking thing.


Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.


- That's very funny. - Yeah.


Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with.


Anyway...


Oan I...


...get you something? - Like what?


I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee?


I don't want to put you out.


It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.


- It's just coffee. - I hate to impose.


- Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup.


Hey, you want rum cake?


- I shouldn't. - Have some.


- No, I can't. - Oome on!


I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.


- Where? - These stripes don't help.


You look great!


I don't know if you know anything about fashion.


Are you all right?


No.


He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison.


He finally gets there.


He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on.


And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan.


Why would I marry a watermelon?"


Is that a bee joke?


That's the kind of stuff we do.


Yeah, different.


So, what are you gonna do, Barry?


About work? I don't know.


I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want.


I know how you feel.


- You do? - Sure.


My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.


- Really? - My only interest is flowers.


Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan.


Anyway, if you look...


There's my hive right there. See it?


You're in Sheep Meadow!


Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!


No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once.


- Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not?


- It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that.


- You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine.


Just having two cups of coffee!


Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee.


Yeah, it's no trouble.


Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life.


Are you...?


Oan I take a piece of this with me?


Sure! Here, have a crumb.


- Thanks! - Yeah.


All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around.


Or not.


OK, Barry.


And thank you so much again... for before.


Oh, that? That was nothing.


Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...


This can't possibly work.


He's all set to go. We may as well try it.


OK, Dave, pull the chute.


- Sounds amazing. - It was amazing!


It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life.


Humans! I can't believe you were with humans!


Giant, scary humans! What were they like?


Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.


They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy.


- Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't.


- How'd you get back? - Poodle.


You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see.


You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal.


- Well... - Well?


Well, I met someone.


You did? Was she Bee-ish?


- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp.


- Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders.


I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all.


I can't get by that face.


So who is she?


She's... human.


No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law.


- Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy.


She's so nice. And she's a florist!


Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!


We're not dating.


You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes


with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite!


She saved my life! And she understands me.


This is over!


Eat this.


This is not over! What was that?


- They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey!


And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat!


- You know what a Oinnabon is? - No.


It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up...


Sit down!


...really hot! - Listen to me!


We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them!


Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning?


There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me!


You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee!


- Thinking bee. - Thinking bee.


Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


There he is. He's in the pool.


You know what your problem is, Barry?


I gotta start thinking bee?


How much longer will this go on?


It's been three days! Why aren't you working?


I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about.


What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee!


Would it kill you to make a little honey?


Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you.


Martin, would you talk to him?


Barry, I'm talking to you!


You coming?


Got everything?


All set!


Go ahead. I'll catch up.


Don't be too long.


Watch this!


Vanessa!


- We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him.


He doesn't respond to yelling!


- Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen!


I'm not listening to this.


Sorry, I've gotta go.


- Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend.


A girl? Is this why you can't decide?


Bye.


I just hope she's Bee-ish.


They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena?


To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream!


Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering.


A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events?


No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere?


It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster.


Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn.


TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane!


You don't have that?


We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease.


Oh, my.


Dumb bees!


You must want to sting all those jerks.


We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us.


So you have to watch your temper.


Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk,


write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion:


Anger, jealousy, lust.


Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?


Yeah.


- What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug.


He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep!


What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?


Yeah, it was. How did you know?


It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.


You've really got that down to a science.


- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet.


What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this?


How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,


Ray Liotta Private Select?


- Is he that actor? - I never heard of him.


- Why is this here? - For people. We eat it.


You don't have enough food of your own?


- Well, yes. - How do you get it?


- Bees make it. - I know who makes it!


And it's hard to make it!


There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing!


- It's organic. - It's our-ganic!


It's just honey, Barry.


Just what?!


Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing!


You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have!


And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this.


I'm getting to the bottom of all of this!


Hey, Hector.


- You almost done? - Almost.


He is here. I sense it.


Well, I guess I'll go home now


and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around.


You're busted, box boy!


I knew I heard something. So you can talk!


I can talk. And now you'll start talking!


Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier?


I don't understand. I thought we were friends.


The last thing we want to do is upset bees!


You're too late! It's ours now!


You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword!


You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio!


Where is the honey coming from?


Tell me where!


Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!


Orazy person!


What horrible thing has happened here?


These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now


they're on the road to nowhere!


Just keep still.


What? You're not dead?


Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed?


To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here.


I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off!


I'm going to Tacoma.


- And you? - He really is dead.


All right.


Uh-oh!


- What is that?! - Oh, no!


- A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade?


Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!


Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?!


How much do you people need to see?!


Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window!


From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell.


But don't kill no more bugs!


- Bee! - Moose blood guy!!


- You hear something? - Like what?


Like tiny screaming.


Turn off the radio.


Whassup, bee boy?


Hey, Blood.


Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see.


Wow!


I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it.


I mean, that honey's ours.


- Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in.


It's a close community.


Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own.


- What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble.


Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack!


At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls.


Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly.


Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.


You got to be kidding me!


Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee!


- Hey, guys! - Mooseblood!


I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw?


We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit.


What is this place?


A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead.


They are pinheads!


Pinhead.


- Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.


The Thomas 3000!


Smoker?


Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar.


A couple breaths of this knocks them right out.


They make the honey, and we make the money.


"They make the honey, and we make the money"?


Oh, my!


What's going on? Are you OK?


Yeah. It doesn't last too long.


Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls?


Our queen was moved here. We had no choice.


This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes!


That's a drag queen!


What is this?


Oh, no!


There's hundreds of them!


Bee honey.


Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale!


This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something.


Oh, Barry, stop.


Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor.


Do these look like rumors?


That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos.


How did you get mixed up in this?


He's been talking to humans.


- What? - Talking to humans?!


He has a human girlfriend. And they make out!


Make out? Barry!


We do not.


- You wish you could. - Whose side are you on?


The bees!


I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night.


Barry, this is what you want to do with your life?


I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees!


Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked


your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop.


I remember that.


What right do they have to our honey?


We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!


Even if it's true, what can one bee do?


Sting them where it really hurts.


In the face! The eye!


- That would hurt. - No.


Up the nose? That's a killer.


There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters.


Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source.


No more bee beards!


With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.


Weather with Storm Stinger.


Sports with Buzz Larvi.


And Jeanette Ohung.


- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung.


A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,


intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey,


packaging it and profiting from it illegally!


Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,


we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book,


Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon.


Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.


Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"?


Bees have never been afraid to change the world.


What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?


Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.


We were thinking of stickball or candy stores.


How old are you?


The bee community is supporting you in this case,


which will be the trial of the bee century.


You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too.


It's a common name. Next week...


He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots...


Next week...


Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em.


Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live.


Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish.


In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness!


It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.


Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that?


Quiet, please. Actual work going on here.


- Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is!


I'm helping him sue the human race.


- Hello. - Hello, bee.


This is Ken.


Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.


Why does he talk again?


Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working.


But it's our yogurt night!


Bye-bye.


Why is yogurt night so difficult?!


You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours!


Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help.


- Frosting... - How many sugars?


Just one. I try not to use the competition.


So why are you helping me?


Bees have good qualities.


And it takes my mind off the shop.


Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now.


Those are great, if you're three.


And artificial flowers.


- Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too.


Bent stingers, pointless pollination.


Bees must hate those fake things!


Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done.


Maybe this could make up for it a little bit.


- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess.


You sure you want to go through with it?


Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able


to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty!


It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan,


where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history,


we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak.


What have we gotten into here, Barry?


It's pretty big, isn't it?


I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day.


You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers?


Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade.


- What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill.


Well, if it isn't the bee team.


You boys work on this?


All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding.


All right. Oase number 4475,


Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry


is now in session.


Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively?


A privilege.


Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world?


I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed.


Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please.


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,


my grandmother was a simple woman.


Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right


to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us.


If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines,


just think of what would it mean.


I would have to negotiate with the silkworm


for the elastic in my britches!


Talking bee!


How do we know this isn't some sort of


holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry?


They could be using laser beams!


Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know,


he could be on steroids!


Mr. Benson?


Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here.


I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me.


It's important to all bees. We invented it!


We make it. And we protect it with our lives.


Unfortunately, there are some people in this room


who think they can take it from us


'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over,


you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have


but everything we are!


I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice!


Oall your first witness.


So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have.


I suppose so.


I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron!


Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms.


Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term.


I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you?


- No. - I couldn't hear you.


- No. - No.


Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that,


it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey.


They're very lovable creatures.


Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.


You mean like this?


Bears kill bees!


How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?!


Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows!


OK, that's enough. Take him away.


So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me.


- Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police.


But you've never been a police officer, have you?


No, I haven't.


No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example


of bee culture casually stolen by a human


for nothing more than a prance-about stage name.


Oh, please.


Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?


Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting.


Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!


That's not his real name?! You idiots!


Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on


your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005.


Thank you. Thank you.


I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome


with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow.


I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?


Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you?


Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't


have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir?


Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now!


This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella!


Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?!


- Order in this court! - You're all thinking it!


Order! Order, I say!


- Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down!


I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that.


I think the jury's on our side.


Are we doing everything right, legally?


I'm a florist.


Right. Well, here's to a great team.


To a great team!


Well, hello.


- Ken! - Hello.


I didn't think you were coming.


No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery.


I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.


Oh, that was lucky.


There's a little left. I could heat it up.


Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.


So I hear you're quite a tennis player.


I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby.


That's where I usually sit. Right... there.


Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,


and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill.


You think I don't see what you're doing?


I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common.


Do we?


Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out.


That's just what I was thinking about doing.


Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.


I'm going to drain the old stinger.


Yeah, you do that.


Look at that.


You know, I've just about had it


with your little mind games.


- What's that? - Italian Vogue.


Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.


A lot of ads.


Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine?


Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!


I think something stinks in here!


I love the smell of flowers.


How do you like the smell of flames?!


Not as much.


Water bug! Not taking sides!


Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic!


I've got issues!


Well, well, well, a royal flush!


- You're bluffing. - Am I?


Surf's up, dude!


Poo water!


That bowl is gnarly.


Except for those dirty yellow rings!


Kenneth! What are you doing?!


You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it!


We need to talk!


He's just a little bee!


And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time!


Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life?


No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them!


Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...


My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster!


Goodbye, Ken.


And for your information,


I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man!


I'm sorry about all that.


I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it!


I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me.


I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well.


Are you OK for the trial?


I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas.


We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.


Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers...


Yeah.


Layton, you've gotta weave some magic


with this jury, or it's gonna be all over.


Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around


is to remind them of what they don't like about bees.


- You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic?


Only to losing, son. Only to losing.


Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know.


What exactly is your relationship


to that woman?


We're friends.


- Good friends? - Yes.


How good? Do you live together?


Wait a minute...


Are you her little...


...bedbug?


I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand,


doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children?


- Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents!


- Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are!


Hold me back!


You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson?


He's denouncing bees!


Don't y'all date your cousins?


- Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy!


Adam, don't! It's what he wants!


Oh, I'm hit!!


Oh, lordy, I am hit!


Order! Order!


The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins!


I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction!


You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages!


Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way!


- Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs.


What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison


from my heaving buttocks?


I will have order in this court. Order!


Order, please!


The case of the honeybees versus the human race


took a pointed turn against the bees


yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery.


- Hey, buddy. - Hey.


- Is there much pain? - Yeah.


I...


I blew the whole case, didn't I?


It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died.


I'd be better off dead. Look at me.


They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.


Look, there's a little celery still on it.


What was it like to sting someone?


I can't explain it. It was all...


All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy!


All right.


You think it was all a trap?


Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this.


What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world.


What will the humans do to us if they win?


I don't know.


I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad.


Adam, they check in, but they don't check out!


Oh, my.


Oould you get a nurse to close that window?


- Why? - The smoke.


Bees don't smoke.


Right. Bees don't smoke.


Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking.


That's it! That's our case!


It is? It's not over?


Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.


Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can.


And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.


Mr. Flayman.


Yes? Yes, Your Honor!


Where is the rest of your team?


Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.


Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,


and as a result, we don't make very good time.


I actually heard a funny story about...


Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs


taken up enough of this court's valuable time?


How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on?


They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges


against my clients, who run legitimate businesses.


I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case!


Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going


to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion.


But you can't! We have a terrific case.


Where is your proof? Where is the evidence?


Show me the smoking gun!


Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun?


Here is your smoking gun.


What is that?


It's a bee smoker!


What, this? This harmless little contraption?


This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee.


Look at what has happened


to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?"


Is this what nature intended for us?


To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines


and man-made wooden slat work camps?


Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man?


- What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card.


Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


Free the bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


The court finds in favor of the bees!


Vanessa, we won!


I knew you could do it! High-five!


Sorry.


I'm OK! You know what this means?


All the honey will finally belong to the bees.


Now we won't have to work so hard all the time.


This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson.


You'll regret this.


Barry, how much honey is out there?


All right. One at a time.


Barry, who are you wearing?


My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants.


- What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean?


We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years.


Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement?


First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps.


Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with,


every last drop.


We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more


than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine.


We're all aware of what they do in the woods.


Wait for my signal.


Take him out.


He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine.


And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames...


But it's just a prance-about stage name!


...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products


and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments.


Oan't breathe.


Bring it in, boys!


Hold it right there! Good.


Tap it.


Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming!


- I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down.


Shut down honey production!


Stop making honey!


Turn your key, sir!


What do we do now?


Oannonball!


We're shutting honey production!


Mission abort.


Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base.


Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there.


Oh, yeah?


What's going on? Where is everybody?


- Are they out celebrating? - They're home.


They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in.


I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket.


At least we got our honey back.


Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't?


It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it.


This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well.


And now...


Now I can't.


I don't understand why they're not happy.


I thought their lives would be better!


They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people.


You don't have any idea what's going on, do you?


- What did you want to show me? - This.


What happened here?


That is not the half of it.


Oh, no. Oh, my.


They're all wilting.


Doesn't look very good, does it?


No.


And whose fault do you think that is?


You know, I'm gonna guess bees.


Bees?


Specifically, me.


I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things.


It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.


That's our whole SAT test right there.


Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom.


And then, of course...


The human species?


So if there's no more pollination,


it could all just go south here, couldn't it?


I know this is also partly my fault.


How about a suicide pact?


How do we do it?


- I'll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice.


Right, right.


Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going.


I had to open my mouth and talk.


Vanessa?


Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going?


To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena.


They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying.


It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it.


Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this.


I know. Me neither.


Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports.


Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?


Roses!


Vanessa!


Roses?!


Barry?


- Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are.


Flowers, bees, pollen!


I know. That's why this is the last parade.


Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down?


Oould you slow down?


Barry!


OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault.


Yes, it kind of is.


I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you


with the flower shop. I've made it worse.


Actually, it's completely closed down.


I thought maybe you were remodeling.


But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined.


I don't want to hear it!


All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen.


I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park.


All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got.


- Bees. - Park.


- Pollen! - Flowers.


- Repollination! - Across the nation!


Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia.


They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy.


Security will be tight.


I have an idea.


Vanessa Bloome, FTD.


Official floral business. It's real.


Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.


Thank you. It was a gift.


Once inside, we just pick the right float.


How about The Princess and the Pea?


I could be the princess, and you could be the pea!


Yes, I got it.


- Where should I sit? - What are you?


- I believe I'm the pea. - The pea?


It goes under the mattresses.


- Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal.


You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco!


Let's see what this baby'll do.


Hey, what are you doing?!


Then all we do is blend in with traffic...


...without arousing suspicion.


Once at the airport, there's no stopping us.


Stop! Security.


- You and your insect pack your float? - Yes.


Has it been in your possession the entire time?


Would you remove your shoes?


- Remove your stinger. - It's part of me.


I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight.


Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job.


Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job!


I think this is gonna work.


It's got to work.


Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott.


We have a bit of bad weather in New York.


It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay.


Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it.


I gotta get up there and talk to them.


Be careful.


Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine?


I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.


Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.


- What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing.


Bee!


Don't freak out! My entire species...


What are you doing?


- Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney?


Don't move.


Oh, Barry.


Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain.


Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit?


And please hurry!


What happened here?


There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded.


One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious!


- Is that another bee joke? - No!


No one's flying the plane!


This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status?


This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York.


Where's the pilot?


He's unconscious, and so is the copilot.


Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience?


As a matter of fact, there is.


- Who's that? - Barry Benson.


From the honey trial?! Oh, great.


Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee.


It's got giant wings, huge engines.


I can't fly a plane.


- Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes.


How hard could it be?


Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning.


This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport,


where a suspenseful scene is developing.


Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory...


That's Barry!


...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers


and an incapacitated flight crew.


Flowers?!


We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls


with absolutely no flight experience.


Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane.


I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres.


They've done enough damage.


But isn't he your only hope?


Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all.


Their wings are too small...


Haven't we heard this a million times?


"The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense."


- Get this on the air! - Got it.


- Stand by. - We're going live.


The way we work may be a mystery to you.


Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs.


But let me tell you about a small job.


If you do it well, it makes a big difference.


More than we realized. To us, to everyone.


That's why I want to get bees back to working together.


That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O.


We get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow! - Hello!


Left, right, down, hover.


- Hover? - Forget hover.


This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep!


Barry, what happened?!


Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time.


- That may have been helping me. - And now we're not!


So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.


All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out!


Move out!


Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane!


Don't have to yell.


I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble.


It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice!


It's not a tone. I'm panicking!


I can't do this!


Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it!


You snap out of it.


You snap out of it.


- You snap out of it! - You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it! - You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it! - You snap out of it!


- Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it's my turn.


How is the plane flying?


I don't know.


Hello?


Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there?


The Pollen Jocks!


They do get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow. - Hello.


All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop.


Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?


No, nothing. It's all cloudy.


Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.


- Thinking bee. - Thinking bee.


Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something.


- What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.


Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.


Bring the nose down.


Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that!


Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK.


Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys?


Affirmative!


Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.


Land on that flower!


Ready? Full reverse!


Spin it around!


- Not that flower! The other one! - Which one?


- That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower!


That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower


made of millions of bees!


Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.


Rotate around it.


- This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly.


Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern?


Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse!


Just drop it. Be a part of it.


Aim for the center!


Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!


Oome on, already.


Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly!


- Yes. No high-five! - Right.


Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower?


What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius!


- Thank you. - But we're not done yet.


Listen, everyone!


This runway is covered with the last pollen


from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth.


That means this is our last chance.


We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this.


If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say?


Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains?


We're bees!


Keychain!


Then follow me! Except Keychain.


Hold on, Barry. Here.


You've earned this.


Yeah!


I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.


Oh, yeah.


That's our Barry.


Mom! The bees are back!


If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time.


I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight!


Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next?


Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.


Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel!


Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat!


I had no idea.


Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment?


Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you.


Sorry I'm late.


He's a lawyer too?


I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase.


Have a great afternoon!


Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere.


No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me.


You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next?


All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly.


Thank you, Barry!


That bee is living my life!


Let it go, Kenny.


- When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go.


- Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is.


Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.


You have got to start thinking bee, my friend.


- Thinking bee! - Me?


Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it.


I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here?


I'm not making a major life decision during a production number!


All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys.


I had virtually no rehearsal for that.


he roars a mighty roar

{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -


Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold


-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.


'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -


-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.


I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}


{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.


If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain


-Princess Fiona.


If you're not into yoga


-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.


-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!


I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation


-Damn!

{Whinnying}


A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me


-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!


And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station


-Ah!

{Laughs}


And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun


-Yeah!


And I don't have to please no one


-The chair! Give him the chair!


And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.


I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way


-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look down.

-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on

moving. Don't look down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - - Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.


{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}


{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}


-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}


{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start


{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}


My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather


-Aah!


She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la


-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.


-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}


See the pyramids along the Nile


-Um, Princess?


Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle


-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.


Just remember, darling all the while


-Are you- -


You belong to me


{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs} 

-Good night.

-Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}


-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?


-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.


I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah, hallelujah


{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.


-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.


I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried


-God bless us, every one.


Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind


-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.


I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late


Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah


I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say


I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah


I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........



I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long


Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............



Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow


There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face


Headline text

ACE VENTURA PET DETECTIVE

Written by Jack Bernstein Tom Shadyac Jim Carrey

EXT. STREET - DAY

A UPS Man with a big pot belly is walking down the street, whistling and carelessly tossing a package in the air. We hear the sound of broken glass in the box. He passes a professional woman.

UPS MAN

Good morning, UPS!

He tosses the box behind his back like a basketball, then acknowledges another passerby.

UPS MAN

UPS, good to see you!

He takes a couple of steps, then flings the package incredibly high into the air, spins completely around and expertly drops to one knee and catches the box. A Hispanic man passes.

UPS MAN

Buenos dias. Uo Pay eSsay.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

The UPS Man dodges a couple of black kids as though playing basketball. He runs up the front steps of the building. He reaches out to open the front door and inadvertently flings the package behind him and back down the steps.

He goes back, retrieves the package, then enters the building.

INT. LOBBY - DAY

Several people stand in the elevator. The UPS Man just makes it, but the door closes on the package... REPEATEDLY. He feigns embarrassment.

INT. 3RD FLOOR - DAY

ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. The UPS Man throws the package out onto the floor and starts kicking it down the hall like a soccer player. With one last big kick the parcel lands in front of APARTMENT 3B. He picks it up and knocks on the door.

We hear a small dog barking.

GRUFF MAN (O.S.)

Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt!

An angry, burly man pokes his nose hairs out the chained door.

GRUFF MAN

What do you want?

UPS MAN

UPS, sir. And how are you this afternoon? Alrighty then!

The man grumpily unchains the door. He's a big guy - 6'5", 250, and 50 of that is chest hair. A small Shiatsu stands beside him.

UPS MAN

I have a package for you.

The UPS guy thrusts the package toward the man. We can clearly hear broken glass inside. The man takes the package.

GRUFF MAN

It sounds broken.

UPS MAN

Most likely sir! I bet it was something nice though! Now... I haver an insurance form. If you'll just sign here, here, and here, and initial here, and print your name here, we'll get the rest of the forms out to you as soon as we can.

The man begrudgingly begins to fill out the form. The dog wags his tail and whines. We can see that he likes the UPS guy.

UPS MAN

That's a lovely dog you have. Do you mind if I pet him, sir?

GRUFF MAN

(mumbles)

I don't give a rat's ass.

The UPS Man bends down and talks to the dog in a really sucky pet talk.

UPS MAN

Oo ja boo ba da boo boo do booo!

GRUFF MAN

(under breath)

Brother.

Before the Gruff Man can finish, the UPS Man stands back up and takes the form again.

UPS MAN

That's fine sir. I can fill out the rest. You just have yourself a good day. Take care, now! 'Bye 'bye, then!

THRASH MUSIC STARTS

INT. HALLWAY -- CONT'D

The UPS Man moves swiftly down the hall and into the stair well.

INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D

The Gruff Man shakes the box, tosses it down and sits in front of the TV.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - CONT'D

The UPS Man bursts from the front door and hustles down the street very quickly. He passes several people.

UPS MAN

(quickly)

UPS, S'cuse me. UPS, comin' through.

INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D

We see the back of the Shiatsu staring at the crack in the front door. He has not moved an inch. The Gruff Man looks over.

GRUFF MAN

Hey, stupid! Get away from the door!

The dog doesn't budge and this really pisses him off. He gets up and heads for the dog.

GRUFF MAN

What's the matter with you, I said GIT!!!

He roughly picks the dog up by the scruff of the neck, but as he turns it around we see that it is a stuffed dog. Around it's neck is a business card that reads, "You have been had by Ace Ventura - Pet Detective." He breathes fire.

GRUFF MAN

Son of a bitch!

He smashes the dog to the ground.

EXT. ALLEY - CONT'D

As the UPS Man/Ace rounds the corner, his shirt opens up at his pot belly and the Shiatsu's head sticks out. Ace is gloating.

ACE

(announcer's voice)

That was a close one, ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately, in every contest, there must be... A LOOSER!

He jumps into an old beat-up Chevy Bel Air, and lets the dog out onto the passenger seat.

ACE (CONT'D)

LOOOHOOOSERRRHERRR!

He then pulls open the car's ashtray, and to the dog's delight, it's filled with puppy chow.

He tries to start the engine but it won't turn over. The dog shoots him a look.

ACE

(to dog)

No problem, it gets flooded. We'll just wait a few seconds.

Ace sits back. SMASH!!!

From Ace's POV we see a Baseball bat shatter the front windshield.

ACE

Or, we could try it now.

Ace frantically tries to start the car. His new friend continues around the car beating the living shit out of it.

ACE

Oooh, boy.

ACE'S POV

We see the creep wailing on the car in Ace's side view mirror.

ACE

Warning! Assholes are closer than they appear!

The dog is barking insanely.

ACE

(to dog)

You think you can do better?!

The baseball bat is now pummeling the trunk.

ACE

Wanna give me a push while you're back there?

BOOM! The back window shatters. Then the car's engine roars to life. Ace rejoices.

ACE

FARFEGNUGENNNNN!!!

Ace leaves the bad guy in a cloud of dust and gravel, screaming bloody murder.

EXT. MIAMI CITY STREETS - DAY

Ace and his new pal speed away freely.

Close on the happy dog, hanging his head out the car window. PAN across the broken windshield to Ace, also hanging his head out the window to see where he's going.

The car drives by a sign on a telephone pole: "Reward" -- with a picture of the Shiatsu in Ace's seat.

THRASH MUSIC ENDS

INT. HOUSE - DAY

A very sexy woman is hugging and kissing the Shiatsu.

WOMAN

My little baby. You missed mommy didn't you? Did daddy hurt you? I won't let him, no I won't. He may have kept the big screen TV, but he's not gonna keep my baby. No he isn't.

(very sexy to Ace)

Thank you, Mr. Ventura. How can I ever repay you?

She slinks over to Ace and puts her arms around his neck.

ACE

Well, the reward would be good, and there was some damage to my –

She cuts Ace off with a devastating kiss.

WOMAN

Would you like me to take you pants off instead?

ACE

Ummmm… Sure.

She pulls him toward the bedroom.

WOMAN

It takes a big man to stand up to my husband. He's already put two of my lovers in the hospital.

ACE

How did he find out? Does he have you followed.

WOMAN

No… I tell him

She plants a kiss on Ace's neck and pulls him down out of frame onto the bed.

EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - DAY

The stands are empty, but there's plenty happening on the field. The Miami Dolphins are practicing. Dan Marino is in top form, hitting pass after pass.

Behind one of the goal posts, the team's mascot, a rare dolphin (SNOWFLAKE), wearing #4, is practicing his routine. The Trainer is dressed like a quarterback.

TRAINER Blue! 42! Blue! 42! Hut! Hut!

Snowflake swims over, snatches a small football out of the Trainer's hand, and does an end zone dance on his tail. He then returns the ball to the trainer.

The Trainer now sets the ball on the dolphin's tail and snowflake "kicks" a perfect field goal. The Trainer blows a whistle and raises both arms.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - NIGHT

The stadium is now completely empty. Snowflake peacefully swims around his tank.

Suddenly, the water is illuminated by the headlights of an n.d. panel truck.

The rear door slides open. Two men jump out in wet suits.

They slip into the water while a third waits outside the tank.

Snowflake surfaces to check out the action. One of the men holds out a fish. Snowflake eagerly takes it, then shudders as a large syringe is stuck into his back. Snowflake thrashes around.

Quick cut of a hand with the blur of a ring slamming against the tank. But the needle has done its job. Snowflake quickly goes limp.

Snowflake is loaded into the back of the truck. Move in on Snowflake's face. His excited cackle has turned into a painful whimper.

The truck skids away passing the guard gate. The guard is hog tied and gagged, struggling to free himself.

INT. ADELLE'S FRIENDLY PET SHOP - NEXT DAY

Close up on a dead goldfish laying on a newspaper. We pull back to reveal ADELLE ROSENBERG, the seventy year old owner of a cluttered pet shop. She's handing a live goldfish in a bag to JENNIFER, a very sweet nine year old.

ADELLE

Here you go, honey. Now remember… this kind of fish doesn't like it in the freezer.

JENNY

But what's gonna happen to Dolly?

ADELLE

Don't worry, I'll make sure she gets a proper burial.

Jennifer exits. Adelle calls to her cat, and tosses it the goldfish. The cat catches it in mid-air.

ADELLE

Rest in peace.

Ace enters the pet shop. It looks like he slept in his clothes.

ADELLE

Well… here comes another dead fish.

ACE

Hi, beautiful. What time do you get off?

ADELLE

Uh oh.

ACE

(suggestively)

I've heard some pretty great things about your kibble.

ADELLE

Well, I hope I'm not getting a reputation.

ACE

(switching to mock anger)

Just get me the food!

She chuckles at Ace as she loads a couple of bags with different kinds of pet food.

ADELLE

So… ahh, when can I expect you to pay your tab?

ACE

I'm a little bit Sli Pickins, right now, I'm a little Tight Squeeze Louise, a little Welfare Wolly, Potless Pissing Pete, I'm ah –

ADELLE

If you were a horse I'd shoot ya'. Just take it.

ACE

Gravy! I'm good for it, Adelle. I'm on a very big case right now.

Ace reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a flyer with a picture of a white pigeon.

ACE

See this pigeon? It's a true albino. Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a ten thousand dollar reward.

ADELLE

Wow, albino pigeons are very rare. How are you going to find him?

ACE

Just keep my eyes open, and hope to god it doesn't snow.

Ace grabs his bags and heads for the door.

ADELLE

You're a good boy, Ace. A good boy.

He holds the door open for an elderly gentleman who is entering at the same time. The gentleman is walking a toy poodle on a leash. The poodle is dragging its butt along the entire length of the floor. Ace and Adelle just stare.

ELDERLY MAN

(in a loud voice)

Do you have anything for ringworm?

EXT. SURFSIDE APARTMENT COMPLEX - DAY

Ace enters the courtyard of a two story U-shaped apartment complex carrying his groceries. It's a crappy joint but he calls it home. Inside an open apartment on the ground floor, the landlord, MR. SHICKADANCE, sits watching TV, stuffing his face with cheese doodles. Ace sneaks past the door and up the stairs.

EXT. SECOND FLOOR - DAY

Ace is just putting the key in the door when the landlord steps up behind him. Ace is startled by the dreaded 'Shickadance Rasp' (not unlike Linda Blair in THE EXORCIST).

LANDLORD

Venturaaaaa?

Ace straightens up, but doesn't turn around.

ACE

Yes, Satan?

Now Ace turns around in mock surprise.

ACE

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.

LANDLORD

Never mind the wise cracks Venturaaa. You owe me rent!

ACE

Mr. Shickadance… I told you, you're my first priority! As soon as I find the white pigeon, you're paid!!

LANDLORD

I heard animals in there Ventura! I heard 'em again this morning, scratchin' around.

ACE

I never bring my work home with me, sir.

The landlord notices the bags of kibble.

LANDLORD

Oh, yeah? What's all this pet food for?

ACE

(beat)

Fiber.

The landlord isn't buying it.

ACE

You wanna take a look for yourself? Go head.

Ace rattles his keys in the door. Then he swings it open and turns on the light. The house is clear. Ace walks in as the landlord stands there snooping and sniffing the air.

ACE

Well… are you satisfied?

LANDLORD

(still suspicious)

Yeah, but don't ever let me catch you with an animal in there, that's all!

ACE

Okay then. Take care now. 'Bye 'bye.

The landlord walks away as Ace closes the door.

ACE

(quietly to himself)

LLOOSER.

He then turns to the room and gives a distinct whistle.

CHAOS ENSUES! Animals jump out from every direction. Lizards crawl out of drawers, birds fly through the air, all of them gravitating to Ace.

ACE

(to his flock)

Ooshhooboobooboodoodoo!

INT. MIAMI DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - LATER THAT DAY

The very imposing office of BOBBY RIDDLE, owner of the Miami Dolphins. Riddle, 70, is a take charge, doesn't take crap from anyone type of guy. He is yelling at ROGER PODACTER, an ex-linebacker in his early sixties, and MELISSA ROBINSON, Podacter's attractive assistant.

RIDDLE

I just want to know one thing; How the hell do you lose a 500 pound fish?!

Melissa's about to speak but hesitates.

RIDDLE (CONT.)

What?

MELISSA

It's not a fish, sir. It's a mammal.

An angry Riddle stands up.

RIDDLE

Oh, thank you very much, Mrs. Jacque Cousteau!

PODACTER

Bob, she didn't mean anything by it.

RIDDLE calms down a little, and sits.

RIDDLE

(calmer)

Listen, personally, I don't give a good god damn about a fish.

He looks at Melissa. She doesn't dare say anything.

RIDDLE (CONT.)

All I care about is winning this Super Bowl! I want the players' head in the right place. Shit, Roger, you've been in this game long enough, you know how superstitious players are. Our quarterback's been putting his socks on backwards since high school. And I got a lineman who hasn't washed his jock in two years because he thinks flies are lucky! I want that god damn fish on the field Super Bowl Sunday! FIND THE FISH, OR FIND NEW JOBS!

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS ACTION

An upset Podacter and Melissa walk through the hallway.

PODACTER

Why did it have to happen now? I got three stinking years left till retirement.

MELISSA

I've got forty.

PODACTER

I'll tell you who did it. It was those goddamn animal rights nuts! Always out there with their goddamn signs, ANIMALS WERE BORN FREE, STOP TORTURING SNOWFLAKE! That goddamn fish lives better than they do!

They stop outside Melissa's office by her secretary's desk.

MELISSA

The police are checking into the animal rights people.

(to secretary)

Martha, have the police called back about the dolphin yet?

MARTHA

No, but I wanted to tell you, when I lost my Cuddles, I hired a pet detective.

PODACTER

A what?

MARTHA

A pet detective.

MELISSA

Thanks Martha, but we'd better leave this to professionals.

MARTHA

Well actually, he was quite good. Pet detection is a very involved, highly scientific process.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROOF OF HOUSE - SAME TIME

CLOSE ON ACE - COOING like a pigeon. Widen to reveal, Ace precariously perched on the roof of a two story building. He is four feet away from "The" pigeon. Ater a beat, he makes a mad, spastic, yet scientific, lunge for the bird.

ACE

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

The bird makes a clean getaway. Unable to stop his momentum, Ace flies past the edge of the building and slides down the side of the roof.

EXT. GROUND - CONTINUOUS ACTION

BAM!!! Ace crashes to the ground. As he lies face down, in a heap of trash, his beeper goes off.

EXT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS/BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY

Parking lot. Ace's clunker drives by some real nice cars. Employees stare at him.

INT. SECURITY CHECK POINT - DAY

A stern guard is admitting people into the stadium. He scans each one with a security detection wand.

MAN #1

Art Wheeler. Sporting supplies.

The guard scans him. He goes.

MAN #2

Tom Anderson. Concessions.

The guard scans him. He goes.

ACE

Ace Ventura. Pet detective.

The guard stares at Ace, accusingly.

INT. MELISSA'S OFFICE - DAY

Martha enters.

MARTHA

Ah… Mr. Ventura to see you.

MELISSA

Okay, send him in.

Martha exits, Ace enters.

MELISSA (CONT'D)

Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson. Did you have any trouble getting in?

ACE

No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.

MELISSA

(apologetically)

Super Bowl week. Security's tight. Mr. Ventura, I'll get right to the point…

She slips a tape in the VCR and gestures for Ace to sit.

MELISSA

Our mascot was stolen from his tank last night. Are you familiar with Snowflake?

The tape shows Snowflake doing a trick. The trainer, dressed like a quarterback, shouts out signals.

TRAINER (ON TAPE) Blue! 42! Blue! 42! Hut! Hut!

Snowflake swims over, snatches the small football out of the trainer's hand, swims the length of the pool, does an end zone dance on his tail, then returns the ball to the trainer.

MELISSA (O.S.)

We got Snowflake from the Miami Seaquarium. He's a rare Bottle Nose Dolphin. That's the new trick he was going to do during the half-time show.

While Ace studies the tape, he chews sunflower seeds in a bird-like fashion, placing the shells in a neat little pile on her desk.

MELISSA

Would you like an ashtray?

ACE

No, I don't smoke.

He adds more shells to the pile.

Melissa is already wondering if she has made a mistake.

MELISSA

To be honest, Mr. Ventura. I'm pretty skeptical. Before today, I didn't even know there was such a thing as a pet detective.

ACE

Well, now that you do, you'll know who to call if your Schnauser ever runs away.

MELISSA

How did you know I have a Schnauser?

Ace pulls a, invisible-to-the-naked-eye dog hair off here blouse and presents it to her.

ACE

He's young, about five pounds, black coat, white speckles…

(sniffs the hair)

…likes to chase cars.

MELISSA

Very impressive.

ACE

You should see what I can do with a good stool sample.

MELISSA

I can hardly wait. Look, we've got a problem. Can you help me or not?

ACE

(coy)

Well, sea faring creatures aren't really my expertise…

MELISSA

We'll give you three thousand dollars on delivery.

Ace immediately becomes the narrator of a nature show.

ACE

The dolphin is a social creature. Capable of complex communication. Traveling in large groups or schools…

EXT. PLAYING FIELD - A SHORT TIME LATER

The Dolphin players practice. A crowd of reporters interview Marino.

MARINO

We just choked in 82. We had a chance to win it and we didn't. Nobody's gonna choke this time, and if they do, I'll kill 'em.

Ace and Melissa head for Snowflake's tank.

MELISSA

The police were here this morning. Apparently, the kidnappers used the back gate.

Ace bends down to look at some tire tracks on the field.

MELISSA (CONT'D)

They said some kind of a –

ACE

Four wheel drive van… loaded from the rear.

Ace sniffs the turf. Podacter enters nervously.

MELISSA

Oh, hi, Roger. How are you holding up?

PODACTER

Well if it looks like I'm walking funny it's because I have a bunch on reporters up my ass. They've been asking me about Snowflake all day. Who's this?

MELISSA

Roger Podacter, meet Ace Ventura. Ace is our pet detective.

Podacter shakes his hand.

PODACTER

Nice to meet you. Martha Metz recommended you very highly.

ACE

Martha Metz? Martha Metz. Oh yeah, the bitch.

PODACTER

What?

ACE

Pekinese. Hyperactive. Lost in Highland Park area. She was half dead when I found her. Is that the tank?

They both follow Ace as he makes a B-line.

EXT. SNOWFLAKE'S TANK - MOMENTS LATER

The tank is empty.

ACE

Cops drain it?

MELISSA

Yes. This morning.

Ace hops on the ladder.

ACE

If I'm not back in five minutes… call Lloyd Bridges.

INT. DOLPHIN TANK - MOMENTS LATER

While eating sunflower seeds, Ace meticulously examines the tank, including the scratches where the hand banged up against the wall when Snowflake was stolen. All the while, he is singing a bastardized version of the theme from, "Flipper."

ACE

…Wonderful Flipper… glorious Flipper… magnificent Flipper… The flippiest Flipper…

Podacter and Melissa, watching from the rim, look at each other like, "What have we gotten ourselves into?" Podacter spots something.

PODACTER

Oh, great.

A hoard or reporters are headed their way.

PODACTER (CONT)

I'll try to head them off.

MELISSA

(to Ace)

Get out of the tank.

ACE

(still singing)

…Can't hear you Flipper, Flipper… Lookin' for Flipper, gotta find Flipper…

MELISSA

I said, get out of the tank! Now!

The reporters draw closer. Podacter heads them off.

REPORTER

So where's Snowflake?

PODACTER

Ah… Snowflake is just, ah, not available right now.

REPORTER

Come on, I'm supposed to get a shot of his new trick for the evening news.

REPORTER #2

What? Is he sick?

Other reporters chime in.

VARIOUS REPORTERS Did something happen to Snowflake?! What're you hiding..?!

Melissa and Podacter don't know what to say. Then, a strange voice is heard.

ACE/HEINZ (O.S.)

(unrecognizable accent)

How cun I be getting dis vork dun mit all da shouting? What for is dis shouting?

REPORTER

Who the hell is that?

MELISSA

That? That's…

ACE/HEINZ

Heinz Kissvelvet. I am Trainer of Dolphins. You vant to talk to ze dolphin, you talk to me!

REPORTER

What happened to the regular trainer?

ACE/HEINZ

Vy do you care about the dolphin? Do you know him? Does he call you at home? Do you have a dorsal fin?

(beat)

To train ze dolphin, you must zink like ze dolphin. You must be getting oonside ze dolphin's head! Just yesterday I'm asking Snowflake… "ee, eee, eee." He said, "Eee, eee, eee, eee." Und you can quote him.

Ace spits at the reporters' feet. Podacter jumps in.

PODACTER

Gentlemen, please, Coach Shula's press conference is just about to begin. Why don't I take you over there and let, ah, Heinz, do his job.

He ushers the press away.

MELISSA

(sotto to Ace)

Are you finished, Heinz?

ACE

Not yet.

Ace goes to the filter outside the tank, opens it, and pours out its contents – mainly leaves, small twigs and gunk. He roots through it, notices a very tiny amber stone. He smiles to himself.

ACE

Now I'm finished.

EXT. METRO POLICE DEPARTMENT - LATER THAT DAY

A flurry of activity in the detective division. As Ace enters, several cops taunt him on sight, led by the obnoxious, SERGEANT AGUADO.

AGUADO

Hey, Ventura! Make any good collars lately?

ANOTHER COP Or were they leashes?

They all bust up. Aguado spots a bug on the ground.

AGUADO

Uh oh.

(steps on the bug)

Homicide, Ventura!

The cops are falling all over themselves laughing.

AGUADO

How you gonna solve this one?!

Ace walks up to them and looks at the squashed bug.

ACE

Good question, Aguado… first I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's dick, and became insanely jealous.

The other cops all react with a big "ooooooo". Aguado has no comeback. Ace comes face to face with him.

ACE

Then I'd lose thirty pounds porking his wife.

Aguado suddenly loses it and swings at Ace.

With a lightening move, Ace sidesteps the punch and forces Aguado's face down next to the dead bug.

ACE

Now kiss and make up.

Ace walks off.

ACE

(to himself)

LLLOOOSER!

Ace walks to the desk of EMILIO ECHAVEZ, a young energetic member of the homicide division. Ace has a silly impish look on his face.

ACE

(playfully)

I miss you.

EMILIO

It's not a good time, Ace. If Einhorn sees me talking to you I'm gonna be history.

ACE

Okay. Just tell me what you got on Snowflake. That's all I need.

EMILIO

…I can't say anything. My hands are tied.

ACE

(effeminate)

Sounds like my kind of a party.

A cop comes to Emilio's desk.

COP

Look alive, Einhorn's on her way down.

EMILIO

Ace, please?!

ACE

Just tell me who's working the case?

EMILIO

Aguado.

ACE

Aguado?! He's pimple juice! He's the poster child for lead paint chip eaters!

EMILIO

Look, Ace. We're a little busy with murderers and drug dealers. A missing dolphin isn't exactly a high priority.

The elevator is getting closer.

EMILIO

Ace, gimme a break will ya?

Ace nonchalantly sits back in a chair, pops a sunflower seed into his mouth and cracks it loudly.

EMILIO

(quickly)

Okay, okay. We checked all the local animal rights groups, taxidermists, and we're running a check through DMV on all recent van rentals. So far, nada.

ACE

Any unusual bets being made?

EMILIO

Ace, it's the Super Bowl, of course there's bets being made.

ACE

What'd you find out about the tank?

EMILIO

Nothing weird. Just the tire tracks and the exit route. The guard didn't see anything.

ACE

That's it?

EMILIO

That's it. I swear. Now please go away!

ACE

You know something?

(again impish)

YOU'RE NICE!

Ace gets up and exits the room. Then just as Emilio sighs with relief, Ace pops back in.

ACE

What about crazy Philly fans?

The elevator bell rings. Out steps police LT. LOIS EINHORN, mid 30s, with a slender build, a great pair of legs and a bad tude.

ACE

Holy Testicle Tuesday!

EINHORN

(to Emilio)

What the hell is he doing here?

ACE

I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

EINHORN

Spare me the routine, Ventura. I know you're working the Snowflake case. May I suggest you yield to the experts on this one? We'll find the porpoise.

ACE

(mock relief)

Whewww… now I feel better!

Ace turns to go.

ACE (CONT)

Of course, that might not do any good. You see, nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common Harbor Porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth, and a triangular thorasic fin, while the Bottlenose Dolphin, or Tursiops Truncatus, has an elongated beak, round, cone-shaped teeth, and a distinctive serrated dorsal appendage. (beat) But I'm sure you already knew that. (beat) That's what turns me on about you. Hey… maybe I'll give you a call sometime, lieutenant. Your number still 911? Alrighty then!

Ace exits.

CUT TO:

INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT

A wild thrasher club. An incredible thrash band is on stage cranking. Kids jump wildly into the moshing pit.

Ace enters, sees a burnout at the bar whose head is circling insanely to the music.

ACE

(shouting)

Excuse me?! Is Greg here?!

The burnout's head thrashes on. No acknowledgement of Ace.

ACE

Thank you!

Ace heads for the basement stairs.

INT. BASEMENT STAIRS - NIGHT

Ace descends the stairs, stopping at a large steel door. Ace bangs on it three times. A voice is heard from inside.

VOICE (O.S.)

Password!

ACE

Tom Vu! I pay for sex! You can too!

CLICK! The door electronically unlatches and slides open.

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

Ace enters. Green Peace "Save the Whales" posters abound. GREG/WOODSTOCK, a laid back, ex-hippy with long gray hair, sits at a very impressive computer set up. Ace and he have their own distinct banter.

A thud from above. Ace looks up.

ACE'S POV

Part of the ceiling is made of metal grating, so you can see the bottom of the dance floor. A guy's face gets smashed into the grate. We see that it is the burnout from the club.

ACE

(to burnout)

Found him!

WOODSTOCK

Hey! St. Francis! How's it goin?

ACE

Super, and thank you for asking. Hope you're having a nice day.

WOODSTOCK

Do you?

ACE

Don't I? And what are you up to?

WOODSTOCK

Just watching the fishies, man.

There is a BLIP on the computer screen.

WOODSTOCK

Alright, you're just in time for the party. You see those blips?

ACE

I certainly do.

ON THE SCREEN

A map with several ships on the ocean.

He quickly taps in some commands and the ships start sailing in all different directions.

WOODSTOCK

That's a Norwegian whaling fleet. I'm sending them new directional coordinates… They'll find Jimmy Hoffa before they find any Humpbacks.

ACE

Gravy.

Woodstock moves to a different screen.

WOODSTOCK

Check this out.

More computer graphics come up on the screen.

WOODSTOCK

Just changed the formula for Purina's puppy chow.

(turns to Ace)

Too much filler, don't ya' think?

ACE

(acting turned on)

I'm very attracted to you right now.

Woodstock chuckles.

WOODSTOCK

Are you?

ACE

Aren't I? Can you still tap into all the aquatic supply store in the area?

WOODSTOCK

Of course I can. Why?

ACE

I want to trace the sale of any equipment for transporting or housing a dolphin within the past few months…

WOODSTOCK

C'mon, Ace. I thought you might have a challenge for me…

Woodstock starts hacking away.

ACE

Okay then, try to remember the sixties.

WOODSTOCK

Wow! God one! Let's see… Marine winch sling, feeder fish, 20,000 gallon tank…

He waits. We hear a beep.

WOODSTOCK

That's it. I found the culprit.

ACE

Who is it?

WOODSTOCK

(dramatically)

…Sea World.

ACE

…bastard.

WOODSTOCK

Hang on, hang on…

(He taps a couple keys)

Well, what do we have here? That's a lot of equipment for a civilian.

The printer spits out some data. Woodstock rips off the page and hands it to Ace.

ACE

Ronald Camp? The billionaire?

WOODSTOCK

Billionaire and rare fish collector.

ACE

RRREHEHEALLY!

A PICTURE OF CAMP

Comes up on the computer screen.

WOODSTOCK

That, my friend, is the face of the enemy.

He pages through his file on screen.

WOODSTOCK

…Always tryin' to get his hands on endangered species…

Newspaper articles fill the screen. One shows a picture of Camp and some Dolphin players.

ACE

Hold on, this guy's connected with the Dolphins?

Ace leans in.

WOODSTOCK

Camp donated the land the new stadium's built on.

(re: article)

Oh, look at this, he's throwin' another, "I'm the richest man in the universe" party.

ACE

(thinking)

Hmmm… I wonder if I can find myself a date.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - NIGHT

It's a magnificent home. There is an extremely formal party in progress. Twenty to thirty people having champagne, caviar, and hot air. We see Dan Marino sitting with an audience around him.

DAN

We just choked in 82. We had a chance to win and we didn't. But nobody's gonna choke this time; if they do, I'll kill 'em!

Everybody laughs.

EXT. CAMP'S MANSION - NIGHT

Ace and Melissa climb an impressive stairway leading to Camp's mansion.

MELISSA

I'm really going out on a limb here, Ventura. Camp's social events are strictly A-list.

ACE

(a la Love Connection)

'Well, Chuck… the date started off good, but just before we got to the party, she seemed to tense up.'

Melissa rolls her eyes, then taps a huge door knocker.

MELISSA

I swear, if you do anything to embarrass me in front of Camp…

ACE

You mean like this?

Ace starts doing a spastic body convulsion. Just then a bald-headed butler, who looks a little like Gavin McCloud, opens the door. Ace doesn't notice until Melissa hits him with her purse.

ACE

Owwwe!!!

He sees the butler.

ACE

Oh, hi Captain Stubing.

Melissa storms in, already pissed.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - CONT

Ace and Melissa enter. Camp looks over.

CAMP

Melissa! Glad you could make it! Oh, and who is this?

MELISSA

This is my date. He's a… lawyer.

CAMP

Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "Lawyer"?

MELISSA

I'm sorry, it's Ace - ah, Tom Ace.

Ace is very unimpressed with her lying ability. He jumps in.

ACE

Tom Ace. Wonderful to meet you, Mr. Camp, and congratualtions on all your success. You smell terrific.

CAMP

Ah, well, thank you. Please, come in.

Ace boldly leads the way over to an hors 'oeuvre table. Melissa closely follows.

MELISSA

(sotto)

This is insane. There's no way that Camp stole Snowflake.

ACE

(spreading pate' on a cracker)

Will you just keep him occupied, while I work my magic please.

She crosses the room. He puts the cracker in his mouth and begins to crunch. A man in a tux beside Ace spreads pate' on his own cracker.

ACE

(with a mouthful, to man)

Smooshy, isn't it?

Off the stuffy man's reaction…

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - SECONDS LATER

Ace approaches Camp.

ACE

Excuse me, Ron, I need to use the bathroom?

(palms his stomach, whispering loudly)

I think it's the pate'.

CAMP

Um, it's just over there.

ACE

Thanks. Stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh?

Ace laughs, slaps Camp hard on the back and heads for the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM - CONT

Ace wastes no time. He locks the door, turns on the water faucet, steps onto the toilet seat, opens and climbs out a window.

EXT. MANSION COURT YARD - CONT

Ace drops to the ground. He follows a pathway, through a gazebo and into a doorway, all the time quietly singing the musical score to 'Mission Impossible'.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - FISH TANKS - CONT

Ace browses through a myriad of dramatically lit, salt water tanks, still singing. They're all filled with colorful exotic fish. Very impressive, but nothing large enough to house a dolphin. He continues on towards a large door.

INT. TANK ROOM - SECONDS LATER

A huge above-ground tank is covered with curtains to discourage onlookers. Ace swings open the large door and enters.

ACE

Gravy.

Ace climbs a ladder on the side of the tank, singing more intensely now. The ladder leads to a narrow catwalk over the center of the water. Ace grabs a feeder fish from a pail and walks carefully out there.

CLOSE ON ACE. THIS IS IT.

He looks into the dark pool, but sees nothing. Now he stops singing, quietly squats down and dangles the fish over the water.

ACE

(gently)

Snowflake… Here, Snowflake… Snooowflaaaake…

A GREAT WHITE LUNGES OUT OF THE WATER AND SNAPS ITS JAWS AN INCH FROM ACE'S FACE!!! NEEDLESS TO SAY, ACE IS A TAD SURPRISED.

He reels back, falling off the catwalk, into the water.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - SAME TIME

Melissa is admiring some beautiful tropical fish. Camp approaches.

CAMP

Wonderful, aren't they?

MELISSA

(nervously)

Yes. They're incredible.

CAMP

No matter what is going on in my life, I can always watch them swim and be completely at peace.

INT. INDOOR POOL ROOM - SAME TIME

The water is still for a moment. Then, Ace breaks the surface.

ACE

(frantic, to himself)

It's not Snowflake… It's not Snowflake.

Instantly, Ace's body is thrashed around back and forth through the water, the entire length of the pool.

ACE

(screaming)

IT'S NOT SNOWFLAAAAKE!!! IT'S NOT SNOWFLAAAA!!!

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - LATER

A line is forming outside the bathroom. Camp and Melissa are seated nearby. He's getting curious.

CAMP

Are you sure he's okay? It's been an awfu;;y long time.

MELISSA

Who, Tom? Oh, I'm sure he's fine.

Ace suddenly opens the bathroom door and stands there, completely drenched from head to toe, with his pants in shreds. Everyone stops. They all stare at Ace in amazement.

ACE

(loudly to the entire room)

DO NOT GO IN THERE!

(fanning the air)

Whewww!!

EXT. CAMP'S MANSION - LATER

Ace and Melissa are exiting. Camp stops in the doorway.

CAMP

(still confused)

I'm very sorry, Mr. Ace. I'll have the pluming checked immediately.

ACE

Be sure that you do. If I had been drinking out of that toilet, I might have been killed!

Ace shakes Camp's hand and notices his ring. He holds on to get a better look. It's a very distinct, commemorative ring.

Camp wants his hand back but Ace won't let go. Melissa finally drags Ace away.

MELISSA

We'd better go.

Camp looks on and shakes his head.

INT. MELISSA'S CAR - NIGHT

Ace is thinking. Melissa is pissed.

MELISSA

…Y'know, I don't even want to know why your pants are missing! I don't care what happened! You could have cost me my job.

ACE

(on his own wavelength)

I was wrong about Camp. He's breaking the law but he's not our guy.

MELISSA

It's a sure thing! It's definitely him! Just get me in there! Let me work my magic!

Ace takes the stone out of his pocket and studies it intensely.

ACE

This is the key. Right here!

MELISSA

Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made!

ACE

So small! So unnoticeable! Yet an invaluable piece… of our twisted little jigsaw puzzle!

Melissa stares at Ace like he's gone crazy. There is a flash of headlights and a car horn. Melissa swerves back into her own lane. Ace drops the stone somewhere on the seat and begins to search for it frantically.

ACE

Damn it!

(to Melissa)

Try to keep it on the road.

INT. MELISSA'S LIVING ROOM

Melissa enters, followed by Ace.

MELISSA

So, you found a pebble in Snowflake's tank. Excuse me while I call CNN.

ACE

I found it in the filter. And it's not a pebble. It is a rare, triangular cut, orange amber.

Ace hands Melissa the stone and quickly goes to one of her bookcases.

MELISSA

What are you talking about?

ACE

Tonight I saw the exact same stone in Camp's ring.

Ace finds a book on the Dolphin team and flips through it.

MELISSA

I thought you said he didn't do it.

ACE

N. Camp's clean. His ring wasn't missing a stone. But whoever was in that tank had a ring just like his.

MELISSA

Wait a second. What ring?

Ace hands her the book. It's open to a photo of…

ACE

The 1982 Dolphin AFC Championship ring.

Melissa holds the stone up to the picture. It's a perfect match.

ACE

I find the ring with the missing stone, I find Snowflake.

MELISSA

How are you gonna do that?

ACE

Simple.

MUSIC UP

CUT TO:

EXT. TRACK - DAY

Ace is wheezing and gasping for air as he struggles to jog up beside a large man who's running around the track at a very fast pace. When he finally catches up, he awkwardly tries to catch a glimpse of the man's ring and trips. The man just keeps going.

INT. FOOTLOCKER - DAY

Ace sits waiting with one shoe off. The store manager, an ex-player for the '82 team, sets down several shoe boxes. Ace checks out the ring.

CLOSE ON

A poster of the '82 team. The player we just saw is being crossed out.

EXT. HOTEL - DAY

Pan a few kids getting autographs from Marino and other players, ending on Ace dressed up and looking like a pimply kid. As the players sign, he checks their rings.

EXT. TRACK - DAY

Ace is again trying to catch the large man on the track. This time, just as he draws near, the man leaves him in the dust.

INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY

Two big guys finish arm wrestling. Ace steps up to challenge. He spends an undue amount of time preparing his grip, as he checks out the ring. Ace finally gets set and gives the "go ahead" nod. He is instantly thrown across the room.

CLOSE ON

The poster of the '82 team. Another group of players are being crossed out.

EXT. STREET

Ace spots a player driving along side him. He can't see his ring.

Ace deliberately cuts off the player's car and flips him off. The angry player flips Ace off. We see his ring is intact. Ace waves and drives off.

INT. MEN'S ROOM

One huge lineman uses a urinal. Ace, using the urinal next to him, nonchalantly tries to catch a glimpse of the guy's hands. The Lineman has a very angry look on his face, but after a beat it changes to a "come on" smile.

CLOSE ON

The poster of the '82 team. There is only one face that has not been crossed out. Ace circles it.

EXT. TRACK - DAY

Once again we see the large, fast man jogging toward camera. Suddenly Ace runs up behind him, with a desperate look on his face, pouring a bottle of chloroform into a cloth. He leaps onto the man's back, smothering him with the cloth and holding on for dear life. The man slowly gives up the fight and collapses. Ace casually checks the ring, then walks away disappointed.

EXT. MELISSA'S BACKYARD - EARLY EVENING

Ace sits in a lawn chair depressed. Melissa consoles him.

MELISSA

Ace, that stone could have come from anywhere. An earring, a necklace…

ACE

(with murder in his eyes)

It came from an '82 AFC Championship ring.

MELISSA

Lt. Einhorn thinks it was an animal rights group. Have you heard of FAN?

ACE

Free Animals Now? Started in 1982 by Chelsea Gamble, daughter of the famous industrialist, Fischer Gamble? Over half a million members from Florida to Finland?

(beat)

No. Who are they?

MELISSA

Did you know that last year they sent threatening letters to 127 college teams, demanding the release of their mascots? At last count –

ACE

What do you feed your dog?

We see Melissa's dog lying near Ace's feet.

MELISSA

Ah… dog food, why?

ACE

He's miserable.

MELISSA

What are you talking about?

ACE

He's just very unhappy, I feel sorry for him. Bad diet, isolated environment. It's amazing he's still alive.

MELISSA

You're just mad because your stupid pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger.

ACE

Yeah? And you're ugly.

MELISSA

I'm not even gonna' talk to you, please leave.

ACE

What, so you can beat him? Fatty!

MELISSA

You… are unbelievable.

The phone rings inside the house. Melissa goes to answer it.

MELISSA

Hiring you was a huge mistake!

The door slams and Ace is alone with the dog. After a moment he reaches down to pet it and we all see that it is one of the happiest dogs in the world.

ACE

You like her, huh?… Yeah, she's alright.

Ace, feeling guilty, walks into the house.

INT. MELISSA'S DEN - CONT

Ace walks toward Melissa.

ACE

Look, Melissa, I, ah…

Ace stops when he sees Melissa. She is sitting, holding the phone in her lap with a completely stunned look on her face. Something is very wrong.

EXT. HIGH RISE APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

Chaos. Police, lights flashing, paramedics, crowds of people.

Ace and Melissa see Roger Podacter's body taken away in an ambulance.

ACE

You okay?

Melissa nods bravely. Emilio joins them.

ACE

What'd you find?

EMILIO

Podacter, Roger. Routine suicide. He was alone. He'd been drinking. No sign of a struggle. Neighbor heard him scream on the way down. Just your classic fifteen story swan dive.

Melissa shudders. Ace gives Emilio a "way to go" look.

EMILIO

Sorry.

INT. HIGHRISE LOBBY - NIGHT

The three enter. Emilio pushes the button for the elevator.

MELISSA

It just seems so out of character. He was going to retire in two years.

ACE

Did he leave a note?

The elevator arrives.

EMILIO

No. That's nothing unusual. Some do, some don't. He didn't.

The elevator doors close.

INT. PODACTOR'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

Police are everywhere. Emilio, Ace and Melissa enter and are immediately approached by one of the officers.

EMILIO

Miss Robinson, this is officer Carlson.

CARLSON Evening, ma'am. I wonder if you could answer a few questions about the deceased?

Ace slips away, we follow him as he eavesdrops on conversations.

NEIGHBOR

(to a cop)

I told you, I was across the hall in my apartment, I heard a scream. The door was locked, so I called the manager…

The Manager reiterates her story to the cop. The Manager is about 100 years old.

MANAGER

…The place was empty, except for the damn dog in the other room. Then I opened the balcony door, looked over the railing, and… splat, bang, pancake time…

Ace, continuing his investigation notices…

PODACTER'S DESK

in perfect order.

Next, he notices police coming in and out of the balcony, closing the door behind them, shutting out the noise.

INT. PODACTER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

A dog is cowering in the corner. Ace tries to comfort the little guy.

ACE

Hey, fella, have a bad night?

Ace examines its paws.

Ace then gets down and finds scratches in the door. TWO FEET interrupt.

Ace stands. He is face to face with Einhorn.

EINHORN

Who let Dr. Doolittle in?

Emilio steps in immediately.

EMILIO

Ah, Lieutenant. He came with Miss Robinson –

EINHORN

This is official police business. We'll let you know if the coroner finds any ticks.

Cops snicker.

EMILIO

I just thought since Melissa –

ACE

E, forget it. She's right. Besides, I wouldn't want someone tracing my steps and pointing out all the mistakes I made.

Ace crosses to…

EXT. PODACTER'S BALCONY - CONT

Ace examines the area. Einhorn is in hot pursuit.

EINHORN

Oh, so, you don't think this in an obvious suicide, Mr. Pet Detective?

ACE

Well, I wouldn't say that. Lord knows, there is plenty of evidence here to support your theory, except of course that spot of blood on the balcony.

On the railing, sure enough, there is a tiny spot of blood.

Einhorn glares at a couple of nearby cops. They look down.

ACE

May I tell you what I think happened? Alrighty then!

Ace moves as he talks.

ACE

Roger Podacter went out after work. He had a few drinks, and he came home. But he wasn't alone. Someone was with him in this apartment. There was a struggle, and then Roger Podacter was thrown over that balcony. Roger Podacter didn't commit suicide. He was murdered.

A beat as everyone considers this.

EINHORN

Well, that's a very entertaining story, but real detectives have to worry about that little thing lawyers call evidence.

Ace picks up a lottery ticket on Podacter's desk and becomes a condescending kid show host.

ACE

Let's take a trip to clue corner, shall we? Can anyone tell me why a man buys a lottery ticket on the day he is going to commit suicide? Or why the family pet, suffering from acute canine trauma, clawed at the bedroom door until his paws bled? How about the blood on the railing? I'll bet if we put our thinking caps on we'll see that it was the result of the struggle that took place inside this apartment while Mr. Podacter was still alive!

(singing)

NEXT TIME YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE COME ON BACK TO CLUE CORNER! BOOP!

Everyone looks to Einhorn.

EINHORN

Not a bad try for a pet detective, but not near conclusive enough for us real investigators.

(beat)

First, people buy lottery tickets everyday. It's a habit. It doesn't prove a thing. Second, the dog wasn't suffering from canine trauma, he was suffering from bladder trauma. Sergeant Neilson found a piss stain as big as Lake Huron near the bed. And third, the blood on the railing. Simple. He doesn't jump far enough and whacks his head. A fact confirmed by the paramedics who found cuts on his scalp, with traces of a white chalky substance. i.e. plaster from the balcony.

Einhorn shows Ace the paramedics report. Everyone is impressed with Einhorn.

EINHORN

So much for your murder, Ventura.

AGUADO

Uh oh, I think I heard a toilet flush. Maybe someone lost their turtle?

Everyone has a laugh. Ace looks beaten.

ACE

Well, maybe I'm just a little out of my league, here. Einhorn…

Ace holds out his hand, Einhorn shakes it.

ACE

…good work.

Ace and Melissa head for the door.

ACE

Oh, there is just one more thing, Lieutenant.

(re: the neighbor)

This man is Roger Podacter's neighbor. He lives across the hall. He said he heard a scream, is that right, sir?

The neighbor nods. Ace turns to the apartment manager.

ACE

And you said you had to open the balcony door when you keyed into the room?

MANAGER

That's right.

Ace walks out onto the balcony and turns, facing them.

ACE

You're certain you had to open this door?

She nods.

EINHORN

What's the point, Ventura?

ACE

Only this… AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW…

Ace sustains an incredible Pavorati note, while he repeatedly opens and closes the glass door between them. When the door is closed nothing can be heard.

ACE

(tapping the door)

This is double paned, sound- proofed glass. There's no way this neighbor could have heard Podacter scream on the way down with this door shut. The scream he heard came from inside this apartment, before Podacter was thrown over the railing! And the muderer closed the door before he left!

(celebrates insanely)

Yes! Yesss! I have exorcised the demons!

(a la Poltergeist)

This house is clear.

INT. ACE'S CAR - A SHORT TIME LATER

Ace drives straight ahead.

MELISSA

What are you thinking?

ACE

I'm thinking this whole thing is connected somehow.

(frustrated)

I'm thinking I want to find that other ring!

MELISSA

You checked all the rings.

ACE

I know, Pessimistress. Could anyone else have gotten a ring that year?

MELISSA

No. Camp was the only honoree. Just players and coaches. Everyone in the photo.

ACE

…Receipts! There must be receipts! You have a key to the office.

MELISSA

Ace this has been a really tough day. Can't we do this in the morning?

Ace looks at his watch.

ACE

Absolutely.

EXT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - 1:00 AM

Ace's car screeches to a stop, in front of the building. Ace jumps out, followed by Melissa.

INT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - HALLWAY - NIGHT

It's dark. Team pictures adorn the walls.

MELISSA (O.S.)

These files go back to seventy- eight.

INT. DOLPHIN OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Ace is flipping through a file cabinet, looking at receipts. Melissa is starting to warm to him.

MELISSA

That was pretty impressive, what you did back at the apartment.

ACE

(still looking)

You don't have to tell me. I was there.

MELISSA

Maybe you should have joined the police force… become a real detective.

ACE

(shaking his head)

I don't do humans.

Melissa gets a bit closer.

MELISSA

You really love animals, don't you?

Ace stops searching and looks into her eyes.

ACE

I feel a kinship with them. I understand them. Wanna hear something kinda spooky?

MELISSA

Sure.

She gets closer still.

ACE

One time, when I was about twelve, I had this dream that I was being followed by a dog with rabies. He had these really bloodshot eyes and foam coming out of his mouth… and just before I got to my front door… he jumped on me and sunk his teeth in. Then I woke up, and felt the back of my neck… check this out.

Ace motions for Melissa to feel the back of his neck, but when she does, he snaps at her hand, barking like a vicious dog.

ACE

ARARAR!!!

Melissa jumps out of her skin.

MELISSA

Ohhh!! You bastard!

ACE

(snickering)

I'm sorry. I couldn't stop myself. Are these all the receipts?

MELISSA

(mildly annoyed)

I don't know.

ACE

There's only a dozen of them here.

Ace turns from the file cabinet with a hopeless look on his face. Melissa begins to clean up his mess.

MELISSA

(pointedly)

Gee… maybe they were misplaced because somebody didn't put the files back when he was…

ACE

Who the hell is that?

MELISSA

What…

Ace crosses to a big picture of the '82 team that hangs on the aadjacent wall and points out a player.

ACE

That! Who the hell is that?!

He quickly pulls out his crossed out pictures of the team and begins to compare the two.

MELISSA

Oh, that's Ray Finkle… the kicker. Don't you know who Ray Finkle is?

ACE

No! How come he's not in this picture?!

Melissa checks Ace's photo.

MELISSA

This was the picture you were using? This was taken earlier in the year. Finkle wasn't added to the roster till mid-season.

She starts to realize what Ace has already figured out.

MELISSA (CONT'D)

He's the guy that missed the final field goal in the Super Bowl that year. Cost the Dolphins the game.

ACE

But he got a ring?

MELISSA

Definitely.

INT. STADIUM/PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICE - LATER

Ace and Melissa look through Finkle's file on a microfiche screen. Newspaper articles, headshots flash before them…

MELISSA

'Replacement Kicker Having Great Year'… 'Ready For Super Bowl, Confident Kicker Boasts'.

ACE

'Field Goal Sails Wide, Dolphins Lose Super Bowl'.

MELISSA

The kick heard round the world. That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point.

Another headline hits the screen: FINKLE CONTRACT NOT RENEWED.

MELISSA

Poor guy.

ACE

Poor guy with a motive, baby. Where is he now?

MELISSA

Last I heard, he went back to his home town, Collier County. He used to work in a bar up there.

ACE

(pondering)

REHEHEALLY.

MELISSA

Can you drop me off before you go?

ACE

(shaking his head)

No way. It may not be safe at your apartment, and you shouldn't be left alone.

MELISSA

What do you suggest?

CUT TO:

INT. ACE'S BEDROOM - LATER

We see a person's butt under a sheet coming up into frame repeatedly.

SKIN, SWEAT, SHEETS FLY, as Ace and Melissa roll back and forth on the bed. Ace is taking no prisoners.

CUT TO:

50 animals at the bottom of the bed, with eyes as big as silver dollars, watching them silently. We cut back and forth between furious lovemaking and shots of staring animals.

Melissa and Ace simultaneously reach the pinnacle of pleasure.

MELISSA

(totally amazed and exausted)

OH man… oh man! Oh wow!

ACE

(mock embarrassment)

I'm sorry… that's never happened to me before. I must be tired.

EXT. HIGHWAY ONE - DAY

Various traveling shots of Ace en route to a 'Deliverance' type town deep in the Everglades. A sign reads "Gas - Food - 2 Miles" but the word "Food" is crossed out.

INT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - DAY

A pitifully sad country song plays on the radio. FERN BILBO sits at his cluttered desk with the end of an old shotgun in his mouth. He is struggling to reach the trigger.

Through the glass behind him, we see Ace's car pull up to the only gasoline pump.

DING! The bell rings. Fern begrudgingly takes the gun out of his mouth, sets it down and walks out.

EXT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - CONT

Ace gets out of his car.

ACE

Excuse me, sir. Do you know where I can find the Pigskin Sports Bar?

FERN

Do I have a "kick me" sign on my back, son?

ACE

I wouldn't know anything about that, but if you could point me toward the bar.

Fern breaks down, sobbing.

FERN

They all left me… all of them!

ACE

Well… Hypothetically speaking, say they all left you and went to the Pigskin Sports Bar. How would they have gotten there from here?

FERN

Two miles down and take the first left.

ACE

Thanks very much! Take care now, 'bye 'bye then!

Ace gets into his car and pulls out.

INT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - CONT

Fern enters, sits down at the desk, places the end of the shotgun in his mouth, reaches for the trigger and…

DING! Another car pulls up to the pump. Exasperated, he takes the gun out of his mouth.

FERN

(murmers to himself as he gets up)

Can't get anything done around here…

EXT. PIGSKIN SPORTS BAR - DAY

A weathered dive in the middle of a swamp. Ace parks.

INT PIGSKIN SPORTS BAR - DAY

If depression had a home, this is it. Several dejected men, with various degrees of missing teeth, sit around the bar. A couple hapless guys play pool. One throws darts.

Ace enters, pops a sunflower seed in his mouth and addresses the room.

ACE

Excuse me, guy?! My name is Ace Ventura, I'm a pet detective. I'd like to ask you a few questions if I could.

No one even looks at him.

ACE

Just a few questions, that's all.

Still no one reacts.

ACE

(very up)

Who wants gum?!

Again, no reaction. Ace walks over to the bartender and slides a five across the bar.

ACE

I'm looking for a guy who used to work here.

The bartender takes the money.

BARTENDER

That right?

ACE

He was a kicker for the Dolphins. Ray Finkle.

A pool ball flies by Ace's head shattering a mirror behind the bar. All eyes are on Ace.

ACE

(to guy who threw it)

That would be a scratch.

TOOTHLESS GIANT

You a friend of Finkle's?

ACE

(thinks)

…Yes?

CRASH! The giant guy smashes his bottle.

ACE

Sorry, I have "say the opposite of what you mean" disease.

Several undesirables surround Ace.

TOOTHLESS GIANT

That bastard ruined this town.

ACE

Ewww… I hate that!

HICK #2

We bet everything we had on that Super Bowl and that son of a bitch gagged.

ACE

What a diiick!

They all move closer in a threatening manner.

HICK #3

Shanked a goddamn 26 yarder!!!

ACE

Death to Finkle! Death to Finkle!

The bartender steps in.

BARTENDER

We had a hell of a thing going here. Tourists coming to see Ray Finkle's home town. He was standing right over there when he got the call from the Dolphins.

The bartender points to a payphone. It has had the shit beaten out of it. Every expletive you can think of is graffitied around it.

ACE

Did he come back after the Super Bowl?

BARTENDER

Yeah… but the boys here had ways of letting him know he wasn't welcome.

HICK #1

Excuse me, I gotta take a wicked Finkle.

Laughter.

TOOTHLESS GIANT

What's the difference between Finkle and a jackass? A jackass can kick.

More laughter.

HICK #2

Why did Finkle cross the road?!

ACE

(facetious)

Wait… I know this one.

HICK #2

He didn't! And I've got the hair on my bumper to prove it!

Maniacal laughter and chanting ensues.

MOB

FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS!

ACE

It's good you're dealing with the anger.

(beat)

I don't suppose anyone's seen him lately?

The chanting stops and the guys all look at Ace.

BARTENDER

No… but we know where his parents live! Don't we boys?!

HICK #1

Yeah! We sure do!

They all laugh insanely again.

EXT. HOUSE - DAY

Ace pulls up outside a two-story stilt house. The place has been completely desecrated by graffiti, bullet holes and paint bombs. Toilet paper is strewn through the trees. Ace walks up and knocks on the door. A wooden peephole slides open revealing a suspicious pair of eyes.

ACE

…Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle.

A gun slides out into Ace's face.

ACE

(with a gulp)

And a clean pair of shorts.

A deep gruff voice from inside.

VOICE

What do you know about Ray Finkle?

ACE

Southpaw soccer style kicker. Graduated from Collier High in June, 1976. Stetson University honors graduate, class of 1980. Holds two NCAA division one records. One for most points in a season, one for distance. Former nickname The Mule. The first and only pro athlete ever to come out of Collier County. And one helluva model American.

After a beat the peephole closes. The door slowly creaks open revealing MR. FINKLE, an unsmiling, taciturn, elderly man holding the gun.

MR. FINKLE

Are you another one of them scumbags from 'Hard Copy'?

ACE

No, sir. I'm just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland, sir.

Mrs. Finkle, a sweet, adorable elderly woman comes over.

MRS. FINKLE

Will you put that gun down. The boy's a fan of our son. So nice to meet you. I'm Ray's mother, and this is Ray's father.

INT. FINKLE HOUSE - DAY

ACE

It's a real honor.

MRS. FINKLE

My Ray is so appreciative of his fans. He'll be so pleased you stopped by.

ACE

Are you expecting Ray anytime soon?

MRS. FINKLE

Oh, yes. I expect him home any minute.

Ace is surprised.

MRS. FINKLE

Would you like some cookies? I just baked them.

Mrs. Finkle hurries off to the kitchen. Ace smiles at Mr. Finkle. The guy's a corpse.

ACE

Wow… Ray Finkle's house! Can't wait to meet him!

MR. FINKLE

Ray ain't comin' home.

ACE

But your wife said you expect him home any minute.

MR. FINKLE

She expects him home any minute.

He points to his head, and looks toward the kitchen.

MR. FINKLE

Engines runnin but there's no one behind the wheel. Ten years ago our son escaped from Shady Acres Psychiatric Hospital in Tampa. They're still buggin' us to pick up his stuff.

Mrs. Finkle returns with a plate of football shaped cookies.

MRS. FINKLE

(sweetly)

It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball laces out, like you're supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of Gonorrhea and rot in Hell. Would you like a cookie, son?

Ace takes a cookie. Holding it up.

ACE

Hey, what do ya know. They're little footballs.

MRS. FINKLE

Laces OUT!

CRASH!! A large stone smashes through the window. Outside, a pickup truck filled with drunken patrons from the Pigskin Sports Bar drives by yelling their Finkle chant.

MOB

FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS!…

MRS. FINKLE

I told you he had a lot of fans.

Mrs. Finkle picks up the rock and hurls it out the broken window. It hits one of the vandals, knocking him out cold, as the truck peels away.

MR. FINKLE

(aside to Ace)

She got the arm. The boy got the leg.

INT. HALLWAY - A SHORT TIME LATER

Mrs. Finkle and Ace are walking down the hallway to Ray's room.

MRS. FINKLE

When Ray gets back and starts kicking again, he'll never even know he was gone. I kept his room just the way he left it.

She opens the door to Ray's room. Ace steps in.

INT. RAY'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

It's a death shrine to Dan Marino. Complete with lifesize cutouts of Dan Marino, some with nooses around the neck, other hacked to pieces. Painted on the walls: "Death to Marino!", Marino must die!!!, etc.

ACE

…Oooh boy.

MRS. FINKLE

What a sports nut, huh?

In the center of the room is a movie projector.

ACE

May I?

MRS. FINKLE

Oh yes. By all means.

Mrs. Finkle shuts the lights off. Ace turns on the projector.

The film flickers over the "Marino must die!!!" graffiti. It's the final play of the Super Bowl. Marino takes the snap, Finkle kicks and the ball sails wide. The film repeats itself ad infinitum.

EXT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - DAY

Ace on the payphone. We see the gas station in the background.

ACE

Melissa, it's Ace.

INT. MELISSA'S OFFICE - DAY

MELISSA

Ace? Where are you?

INTERCUT ACE/MELISSA

ACE

I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the Mayor. Where's Dan Marino?

MELISSA

Marino? Why?

ACE

Because he's about to join Snowflake. I gotta know where he is.

MELISSA

Okay, hold on…

Melissa checks Marino's itinerary. Ace waits, impatiently.

ACE

(to himself)

Come on. Come on…

In the background, we see two paramedics exit the gas station office rolling a dead body on a gurney. The area of the sheet that covers the face is a giant red spot. We widen to see them load good old Mr. Bilbo into an ambulance and drive away, ringing the station bell one more time. Ace doesn't notice.

MELISSA

Ah, he had practice. Then… he has a commercial shoot out at the Prescott Sound Stage.

ACE

Where is that?

MELISSA

It's on Route One by the Six Cut Off. Thirty minutes outside of town.

ACE

Okay, that's about fifteen miles from me. Call the police. Get extra security over there now.

MELISSA

Ace, tell me what's going on.

(beat)

Ace?…

The payphone dangles off the hook. Ace is…

EXT. HIGHWAY ONE - DAY

…in his car racing out of the swampland, his heaad now back out the window so he can see. He leaves a faded, old, barely legible sign in his wake: "

WELCOME TO COLLIER COUNTY. HOME OF RAY FINKLE"

The "F" in "FINKLE" has been replaced with "ST" in spray paint.

INT. PRESCOTT STUDIOS - DAY

Rehearsal for an Isotoner ad in progress.

MARINO

…So I protect the hands that protect me. With Isotoners.

Marino gets carted off by FIVE HUGE LINEMEN.

DIRECTOR

Good. Remember, exit camera right. That's to your left. Alright, let's get ready to shoot this.

FIRST A.D.

(to the linemen)

Helmets on this time!

The linemen disperse.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Ace runs a red light causing cars to skid in every direction.

INT. PRESCOTT STUDIO - DAY

Marino is in the make-up chair.

MARINO

(to make-up girl)

See, in 82 we just choked. We had a chance to win it and we didn't –

DIRECTOR

Dan, are you ready?

MARINO

Ah, sure.

(to girl)

I'll tell you later.

EXT. STUDIO - DAY

The cops race onto the lot.

INT. STUDIO - DAY

Marino takes center stage.

A.D. Quiet on the set… roll… speed…

DIRECTOR

…And action!

MARINO

Hi, I'm Dan Marino. If anyone knows the value of protection, it's me…

We see an old clip of Marino getting sacked.

EXT. STUDIO - DAY

Cops scramble on foot to the sound stage.

INT. STUDIO - DAY

The commercial is winding up. The linemen ready themselves.

MARINO

…So I protect the hands that protect me. With Isotoners.

The five linemen grab Marino and run off camera.

DIRECTOR

And cut! That was good. Again from one.

But two of the linemen keep running with Marino…

DIRECTOR

I said cut!!

…And they keep running.

DIRECTOR (CONT'D)

What the hell are they doing?

…Right out the studio door. Then the cops arrive and race after them. Two linemen stumble out of the dressing room holding their heads.

EXT. SOUND STAGE - DAY

Ace skids around a corner, looking way up ahead.

He sees Marino being shoved into a black 81 Ford Bronco. They drive off.

The cops come out of the building on foot. Too late.

Ace in hot pursuit almost runs the cops down.

ACE

(yelling at cops)

S'cuse meee! Pet Detective!

EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY

Ace's head is out the driver's window through the entire chase. As he starts gaining on the bad guys, they start shooting. Ace wisely puts his head inside the car.

ACE'S POV

He can't see shit through his broken windshield.

He pokes his head out again. They shoot again.

Ace swerves off the road into…

EXT. PARK - DAY

Ace's car smashes through benches and tables. Then it flips over a few times and lands on its wheels with a horrid SMASH. Ace is still strapped into the drivers seat, unconscious.

Ace's prized WHITE PIGEON lands on the car door right beside him. Ace cracks his eyes and sees the bird. Then, with a sudden quick lunge he successfully traps it in his hands, and forgets all about Marino.

ACE

I did it! I did it! I caught the white pigeon! I caught the white pigeon!

Ace jumps out of his car and starts skipping around the park with the pigeon held high over his head. He looks insane.

ACE (CONT'D)

(singing)

I caught the white pigeon, I caught the white pigeon, I caught the white…

Ace slows down and begins to look around warily. There are now an unusual number of birds perched on the telephone wires around the park and on the monkey bars, and on the swings.

The sky grows darker. He slowly turns and tries to get back to the car. All the birds take flight.

Ace sets the white pigeon free and starts to run, but it's too late. The birds are on him. Pecking, and gouging, and ripping his flesh.

Now we see ten birds flying away with a leg. Five birds flying away with an arm. Twenty others are trying to take Ace's left arm off, and half his face is missing…

ACE

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK - DAY

Ace is back in his wrecked car with his arm hanging out the window. A small boy is pulling it.

BOY

Hey mister. Hey mister.

Ace come to suddenly, and looks at the boy with a crazed expression.

BOY (CONT'D)

That was a really neat crash, mister. Do it again!

Ace sighs with relief.

EXT. MIAMI - DAY

Various headlines hit the news stands: "MARINO KIDNAPPED" "STAR QB MISSING" "DAN WHERE ARE YOU?"

THE GLOBE HEADLINE: "MARINO ABDUCTED BY ALIEN FRANCHISE!" On the cover, Marino stands with several Space Aliens in football gear.

EXT. POLICE STATION - LATER THAT DAY

A chaotic press conference. Zillions of REPORTERS shout all kinds of questions at Einhorn.

REPORTER

Lieutenant, have there been any ransom demands?

EINHORN

There's been no communication with the kidnappers at this time.

REPORTER #2

What's going to happen to the Super Bowl? Will it be postponed?

EINHORN

As of now, the game is going on as scheduled.

REPORTER #3

Why wasn't the public told about Snowflake's kidnapping?

EINHORN

Secrecy was essential. We didn't want any public interference.

REPORTER

Are the crimes related? And what about Roger Podacter's murder?

EINHORN

I'm sorry. I can't comment any further. Now if you'll excuse me.

Einhorn pushes her way through the crowd of reporters.

INT. POLICE STATION - MOMENTS LATER

Einhorn is barking out orders to other cops as she heads for her office.

EINHORN

Emilio, get me the autopsy on Podacter! Aguado, send out a memo. No one talks to the press…

INT. EINHORN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ACTION

EINHORN

…And somebody get me a cup of coffee!

ACE

(TV announcer's voice)

Tonight on "MIAMI VICE", Crockett geets the boss coffee!

Ace is in her office, popping sunflower seeds, kicking back. Einhorn walks to her private bathroom.

EINHORN

Ventura, when I get out of this bathroom, you better be gone.

ACE

Is it number one or number two?

Einhorn turns and glares at Ace.

ACE

I just want to know how much time I have.

Einhorn goes to the sink and begins washing her hands.

ACE

Oh, by the way, I went ahead and solved that pesky, Snowflake/Podacter/Marino thing.

EINHORN (O.S.)

(humoring him)

Oh yeah?

ACE

yeah, ever hear of a former Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle?

The water shuts off. Einhorn appears around the corner.

EINHORN

Alright, Ventura. Make it quick.

ACE

I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake's tank. It's from a Dolphin '82 AFC Championship ring. It would have been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray Finkle missed the big kick. Blames the whole thing on Marino. We're talking paranoid, delusional psychosis. I saw the guy's room… Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lector.

EINHORN

So how does Roger Podacter fit in?

ACE

My guess is Finkle was snooping around. Podacter recognized him. End of story. As for Snowflake… they gave him Finkle's number, and taught him how to kick a field goal. Finkle took it personally.

Einhorn listens with great interest.

EINHORN

So where is Finkle, now?

ACE

He broke out of a metal hospital. Did a Claude Raines. He's been planning his revenge for years. Waiting for the perfect time to get back at the Dolphins. The time when it would hurt them the most. Super Bowl time! Man, I'm tired of being right!

Einhorn walks in front and sits on the edge of the desk. She's totally softened her demeanor.

EINHORN

Congratulations. You've done some fine detective work, Ace.

ACE

Ahh, could you talk in my good ear. I thought I heard you call me Ace.

Einhorn gets real close.

EINHORN

Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe you are more than just a pet dick.

SHE SUDDENLY PLANTS A MAJOR, TONSIL CLEANING, OPEN MOUTHED KISS ON ACE. Objects are knocked off the desk as they lean back.

ACE

Your gun's digging into my hip.

More kissing, the Ace stops.

EINHORN

(still coming on)

What's wrong, Ace? Want me to read you your rights?

ACE

Maybe later.

EINHORN

What is it? That bony little bitch, Melissa Robinson?

ACE

(defensive)

No. You just don't do anything for me.

He quickly adjusts his crotch, to conceal the erection. Einhorn withdraws with a coy smile.

EINHORN

I'll be here if you ever want a real woman.

There's a sharp KNOCK at the door.

EINHORN

What is it?

Aguado opens the door.

AGUADO

Everything okay in here? Heard some commotion.

EINHORN

Fine, Sergeant.

AGUADO

You want me to throw him out?

EINHORN

Why don't you throw yourself out.

AGUADO

…Yes, ma'am.

A crestfallen Aguado exits. Ace heads for the door.

EINHORN

Ace, I want you to leave everything to us.

ACE

Can't do that, Lieutenant. I was hired to find Snowflake.

EINHORN

When we find Marino, We'll deliver Snowflake.

ACE

When I find Snowflake, I'll deliver Marino.

He exits.

INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT

A full on thrash metal band is cranking on stage. Kids leap wildly into the moshing pit. The same Burnout is still thrashing his head wildly to the music.

ACE

(shouting)

Nice to see you again!

The Burnout just keeps thrashing. Ace spots Woodstock watching the band and joins him.

WOODSTOCK

St. Francis, how's it goin'?

ACE

(kidding)

That's none of your damn business.

WOODSTOCK

Isn't it?

ACE

Is it?

WOODSTOCK

Anything new on that dolphin?

ACE

Got his picture on some tuna cans, but nothing so far.

A singer ROARS on stage. He sounds like a garbage disposal full of cutlery.

SINGER Arroohhghhh! Myrrrooohghhhh! Geroooghhh!

WOODSTOCK

So, what can I do for you today?

ACE

I need info on a football flunky named Ray Finkle.

WOODSTOCK

Sorry, Ace, I can't help you right now. I gotta watch this band! They are the shit!

ACE

Are they?

WOODSTOCK

Aren't they?

ACE

Alright then. Don't worry about it. I mean dolphins aren't exactly an endangered species. It's not like the whole food chain's gonna be affected if one highly intelligent mammal dies a slow and painful death! Hell, if the band is loud enough, you won't even hear its pitiful whimpering!!

Ace does his best suffering dolphin impression. Woodstock is no longer enjoying the band.

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

Woodstock is at his computer. Ace looks over his shoulder. Finkle's Social Security information appears on the screen.

WOODSTOCK

This guy's last reported income was September, 1982.

ACE

Well then. We know he's incredibly thrifty.

WOODSTOCK

Is he?

ACE

Isn't he?

Woodstock types in more information. Finkle's TRW flashes on the screen.

WOODSTOCK

Well, I think we can be pretty sure he's involved in the kidnapping of the dolphin.

ACE

Really? What makes you say that?

WOODSTOCK

There's two-thousand dollars worth of smelts on his VISA card.

After a beat Ace realizes it was a bad joke.

ACE

Please yank me no further. I beg of you.

WOODSTOCK

Alright already. The last time this guy used his credit card was June, '84. He rented a car from Avis. And… eww… he was a bad boy. They found it abandoned two months later in South Miami.

ACE

Anything else?

WOODSTOCK

Nope.

ACE

Well… you did all you could. Thanks for nothin.

WOODSTOCK

Hey man, according to this, your friend Ray Finkle doesn't exist.

ACE

Hmm, I know what that's like.

WOODSTOCK

Do you?

ACE

Don't I?

INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT

Ace emerges from the basement. The band is between songs. Ace strolls by the burnout whose head has now stopped.

ACE

(to burnout)

Did you get all the spiders outta there?

Ace heads out, then freezes. The two thugs that took Marino are standing at the exit. Then they see Ace and start towards him, reaching inside their coats.

Suddenly the music starts. The burnout's head wails again. His manic gyrations interfere with the thugs long enough for Ace to bolt.

One of the thugs pushes the burnout violently against the wall as they pursue Ace.

BURNOUT

(calling, as he gets up)

Thanks, man! You're a great dancer!

Ace pushes his way through the crowd. The thugs follow.

Ace nears the stage. It's wild. People are diving off and getting moshed.

Before the thugs grab him, Ace runs up and throws himself from the stage. The insane crowd begins to pass him around over their heads.

The thugs exchange a look, then dive after Ace, and a "mosh" chase ensues.

Ace is passed back onto the stage as the song comes to an end. The singer is lying there exhausted. Ace sees the crowd starting to put the thugs down, so he quickly grabs the microphone off the floor.

ACE

(screams)

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, SPANK ME MOMMY!!!

The audience looks at Ace for a second. Then the band members exchange a look and go for it!!

It's a nightmarish little ditty. Ace sings like one of Satan's minions.

ACE

URGHHUURRAAAW! ARGHUURRRREEEW!

The crowd seems to understand. They throw the thugs high in the air again and mosh them away from the stage. The Thugs are shooting stray bullets the whole time.

Ace incites the crowd, even more now, with a punching gesture. The crowd follows their new leader, punching with one hand, moshing with the other.

The thugs get the living crap "moshed" out of them.

When the song ends, Ace raises fists in the air. The cheering crowd violently drops the thugs. They're out cold.

EXT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT

Ace's car PEELS OUT and races by the parked '81 Ford Bronco.

EXT. MELISSA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ace's car skids to a halt. He hops out.

INT. MELISSA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

There's a loud BANGING at the door. Melissa awakens, looks at the clock: 3:32 a.m. She drags herself to the door.

MELISSA

Who is it?

ACE (O.S.)

Ira.

MELISSA

Ira who?

ACE (O.S.)

I refuse to do a 'knock knock joke'. Come on, open up!

Melissa opens the door.

MELISSA

Ace, what are you doing? It's the middle of the night!

ACE

You have to commit me.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAWN

Ace's clunker speeds down the highway.

ACE (V.O.)

Finkle escaped from Shady Acres in Tampa. They still have some of his stuff.

MELISSA (V.O.)

So you think they're going to let us just waltz in and look around?

EXT. SHADY ACRES - ESTABLISHING - DAY

A state hospital located on acres of green, manicured lawns.

INT. SHADY ACRES - DAY

The reception area. A DOCTOR is before Melissa.

DOCTOR

Mrs. Robinson? I'm Doctor Handly. Now who is it that you'd like to have us look at?

MELISSA

My brother… Eugene.

ANGLE ON ACE - Looking like the football player who never wore a helmet.

ACE

I'm ready to go in, Coach. Just give me a chance. I know there's a lot riding on it, but it's all psychological. Got to stay in a positive frame of mind. Memorize the play book. Study the films.

Ace strikes a dramatic pose and freezes, with a crazed look on his face.

ACE (CON'T)

I'm gonna execute a button-hook pattern!

He begins to make a play in slow motion.

ACE (CON'T)

Super slo-mo!

CUT TO:

EXT. SHADY ACRES HOSPITAL - DAY

Melissa walks with the Doctor. Patients are sitting around, doing outdoor therapy, etc.

DOCTOR

You're brother won't be the first professional football player we've treated.

MELISSA

Is that right?

DOCTOR

Yes. We're very sensitive to the emotional stress athletes have to endure.

Ace runs across the b.g. screaming "I'm open! I'm open!"

DOCTOR

We'll have to do some preliminary evaluations, but I think your brother will fit in nicely here.

MELISSA

That's a relief, Doctor.

Ace takes a "snap" from a three-foot hedge and dives over it into the end zone. Melissa and the doctor stop to watch him.

DOCTOR

He seems to have some difficulty letting go of the game. Has he had a long history of mental illness?

MELISSA

(truthfully)

As long as I've known him.

Ace does a wild touchdown dance with some of the other patients participating.

INT. SHADY GLADE ACRES - HALLWAY - DAY

The doctor is showing Melissa around. Ace is walking alongside them adjusting his imaginary shoulder pads.

DOCTOR

This is our therapy room… Arts and crafts…

They turn a corner. Ace squats to pick the dirt out of his cleats.

DOCTOR (CON'T)

That's the storage room. This hallway leads to another recreational area –

Ace WHISTLES loudly and gestures like a referee…

ACE

HALFTIIIIME!!

Ace sticks his head in the water fountain then sits down on the bench outside the storage room.

MELISSA

He'll be fine by himself for the next twenty minutes.

DOCTOR

Well, why don't I show you the dormitories, then?

They leave Ace.

After a beat, Ace gets up and does a quick spin pattern into the storage room door.

INT. STORAGE ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Cartons everywhere. Ace does a quick search and locates several boxes maked FINKLE.

Ace looks through the first couple of boxes and finds only clothes. In the third box, he hits the jackpot: He finds sicko arts and crafts dedicated to Marino. Die-Dan potholders, shredded Isotoner gloves. He opens a little diary. "Laces Out!" is insanely scrawled on every page.

Ace finds a newspaper clipping, the headline reads:

SEARCH CALLED OFF FOR MISSING HIKER

ACE

(reading)

A massive search ended today when rescue workers were unable to find the body of Lois Einhorn…

(stunned)

…a camper reported lost since Friday…

(to himself)

Lois Einhorn… holy shit balls.

Ace sits bewildered.

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

The phone rings at Emilio's desk. He answers it.

EMILIO

Echavez.

INT. SHADY ACRES - HALLWAY - DAY

Ace is on the phone. A CRAZY GUY is hovering nearby.

ACE

This is Chicken Little. The sky is falling.

EMILIO

What?

BACK TO EMILIO

A beat as he listens to Ace's news.

EMILIO

I don't get it. What's it mean?

INTERCUT ACE/EMILIO

ACE

It means she's involved in this. The article's dated the day before Finkle disappeared.

EMILIO

Before who disappeared?

ACE

Finkle. Ray Finkle… the guy who took the dolphin? The guy you're supposed to be looking for?! Einhorn didn't tell you, did she?

EMILIO

Hey, Ace. I see where you're goin' with this and you're goin' alone.

A Crazy Guy stands next to Ace now and begins mimicking everything he says.

ACE

Come on, E. I tell her about Finkle, she doesn't tell a soul. I have an article here that connects her with Finkle. You gotta' check her out.

(to Crazy Guy mimicking)

Do you mind?

The Crazy Guy stops and moves to one of the phones.

EMILIO

Ace, I like my job. I get health insurance and benefits.

CRAZY GUY

(into receiver)

I'm the Lindberg Baby. Come and get me.

ACE

Emilio, Einhorn is involved. You're gonna' have to make a decision here.

(beat)

Listen, I gotta get off the phone. I think I just solved the Lindberg case.

Melissa and the Doctor return.

DOCTOR

Well, look who's trying to use the phone.

Ace covers the phone receiver and whispers to them in a heartfelt voice.

ACE

Brian Piccalo is dead.

Ace breaks down. Melissa hangs up the phone and leads him away.

We hear a thrash version of the theme to "Brian's Song" as they exit the hospital.

INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT

Emilio stands at a window, watching Einhorn drive off. The coast is clear so he sneaks into…

INT. EINHORN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

He rifles through her file cabinet. He tears through papers. Then he looks in her desk.

Stuffed in the back of the drawer he finds a personal note: We can make out the signature. Roger. He pockets it and walks out.

EXT. MELISSA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ace and Melissa pull up in the old heap.

ACE

Good job today. You're quite a dirty rotten filthy liar.

MELISSA

(flattered)

Thanks. Are you sure you don't want to stay here with me?

ACE

Naw, I got some thinking to do. Besides, you'd be safer with Salman Rushdie

MELISSA

Okay.

She gets out of the car, then turns and leans in the window.

MELISSA

Listen… I know there isn't much time left. The game is tomorrow. But I know you've done your best. It's just an impossible situation. I don't expect..

ACE

Hey…

Ace leans over and kisses her.

ACE (CONT'D)

…bet on the Dolphins.

INT. ACE'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT

CLOSE UP: ANSWERING MACHINE

Wiggles' nose enters frame and hits the play button.

MESSAGE #1

(Shickadance rasp)

Venturaaaa? Your time is up! You're out! You hear me?! No rent… no roof!

We widen to find Ace on the couch listening.

MESSAGE #2

Ace, it's E. Got something you might find interesting. It's a note from Podacter to Einhorn, thanking her for a wonderful Saturday night. This is too weird, man?

ACE

Wiggles, rewind.

Wiggles obediently hits another button and rewinds the phone tape. Ace pops sunflower seeds, and holds some evidence aloft thinking. A bird eats seeds out of his naval.

ACE

What the hell does Lois Einhorn have to do with Ray Finkle? Come on, think!

DISSOLVE TO:

Later. Ace is posed like Rodin's "The Thinker".

ACE

Finkle and Einhorn. In it together. How? Why?

A small monkey sits in the same position. Mocking Ace.

DISSOLVE TO:

Later still. Ace pacing, jumping up and down. Trying to get his intuitive juices flowing. The monkey is likewise, jumping on the mantle.

ACE

Alright! Here we go! Answer's right there! Just gotta get some blood to the brain! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn!

The animals all watch him like he's crazy.

DISSOLVE TO:

Daybreak. Ace sits staring at a picture of Finkle on the coffee table. He's totally spent and on the verge of tears.

ACE

(whimpering)

Finkle and Einhorn. Einhorn and Finkle.

He turns to see the monkey crashed out in a heap on a sofa pillow.

ACE

(to sleeping monkey)

Quitter.

Wiggles jumps up onto the coffee table now. Ace can't be bothered with him.

ACE

What do you want? Huh?

Wiggles whines at the tone of Ace's voice.

ACE (CONT'D)

What? I got no food for you. You gotta have money to buy food. I gotta find the dolphin to get the money. I don't see any dolphins around here, do you? Face it, it's hopeless… your master is a LOSER.

Ace buries his face in his hands. His dog Wiggles does the same. Then Ace looks up again.

ACE

LOO… HOO…

Suddenly he is silenced by something amazing.

Wiggles' dark haired floppy ears are lying around Finkle's picture like a wig. Ace combs the hair over the head shot. The "make-over" is unmistakable. It's Einhorn!!

ACE

Oh, my god! That's it!

He jumps up, estatic.

ACE

Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is Einhorn!… Einhorn is a man!!!

Ace's expression quickly turns sour.

ACE

OH MY GOD!!! EINHORN IS A MAN!!!

MUSIC UP: AEROSMITH'S DUD LOOKS LIKE A LADY…

Ace makes a mad dash into the bathroom.

INT. ACE'S BATHROOM - MORNING - QUICK CUTS

…Ace furiously brushes his teeth.

…Ace rinses with mouthwash, spits it out and gags.

…Ace is in the shower. He slowly curls up into a ball under the steaming water with an expression of horror on his face.

INT. EINHORN'S HOUSE - DAY

CLOSE UP:

A woman's leg being shaved.

Woman sexily putting on nylons.

Woman hands squeezing perfume bulb.

Woman's hand putting on AFC championship ring. One stone is missing.

EXT. EINHORN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Ace sticks wads of gum in his mouth while he watches Einhorn's house from his car.

ACE

(remembering)

You're gun is sticking into my hip. Yeeeekkkk!

Einhorn comes out her front door and gets into her car. Ace shudders once more and then follows her.

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

The road is jammed in one direction. Going towards the Super Bowl. Einhorn drives in the opposite direction. Out of town. Ace tails her at a safe distance, with his head out the window, of course.

INT. BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY

Various shots of crazy fans, piling into the stadium.

INT. STADIUM OWNER'S BOX - DAY

Melissa, BOBBY RIDDLE, and GUESTS all amidst the usual pre-game hobnobbing. Most of the talk centers on the loss of Marino.

Emilio, in full uniform, and a couple cops are providing extra security for the box.

EXT. HIGHWAY ONE - DAY

Einhorn drives south out of town. The area's getting remote. Ace follows.

Einhorn turns down a deserted road and comes to…

EXT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY

A large, abandoned industrial facility. Einhorn parks, disappears inside…

A few beats later, Ace kills the engine and exits singing the score to "Mission Impossible".

INT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY

Immense machines and swimming pool sized cauldrons.

Ace cautiously makes his way through the desolate site, singing quietly now. He stops when he hears a familiar voice.

JOHN MADDEN (O.S.)

I particularly like the match-ups of the defense.

Ace sees a weird sight: A HUGE TV PROJECTION SCREEN tuned to the Super Bowl pre-game show. Marino is tied to a football tackling sled. The two thugs take turns running into Dan with their shoulders, driving him back five feet each time.

JOHN MADDEN (ON TV)

…But the real story of this game is the absence of Dan Marino. Him being kidnapped and all has got to be a strain on this Miami team. I really feel sorry for those guys! I mean, it's hard enough enduring the pressure of the Super Bowl, without your star quarterback gettin' himself kidnapped. This is the whole ball of wax, folks! You wanna' get kidnapped, you do it in the off season!…

Marino looks incredulously at the screen. Next to him, Snowflake "watches" from a ground level cistern serving as an ad hoc tank.

Ace sneaks closer.

INT. BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY

The crowd quiets as Jon Bon Jovi prepares to sing the National Anthem.

Various shots of fans all standing at attention.

In the owners box, Melissa looks to Emilio. Nothing's new.

INT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY

Einhorn is now in front of the big screen TV SINGING the National Anthem along with Bon Jovi. The thugs, VINNIE and ROC, are behind her standing at attention.

The song ends. The crowd cheers.

In a sultry fashion Einhorn circles Marino now.

EINHORN

I just love Super Bowl Sunday, don't you, Dan? A magical afternoon where dreams are made… or crushed!

DAN

Look lady, if you want tickets, you're going about it in the wrong way.

EINHORN

Do I look familiar to you, Dan? Does it seem as if we've met someplace before?

DAN

I don't know… I get hit in the head a lot!

On the TV the ref makes an announcement.

REF It's tails. The Eagles will receive.

Dan really struggles now.

EINHORN

Oops. Looks like we're going to have to kick, Dan.

Einhorn steps behind a football set up on a tee. And in perfect sync with the kicker on TV, she boots a ball through a window of the warehouse.

Marino doesn't know what to think.

EINHORN

I made some refreshments, Dan. Would you like some refreshments, Dan? I'll be right back, Daaaan!!

She goes. Dan struggles, but to no avail.

MARINO

Look, I don't know how much psycho woman is paying you guys, but I can double it.

VINNIE

Sorry, Danny boy. Psycho woman keeps us out of prison.

Vinnie grabs a feeder fish and entices Snowflake to the surface. Roc raises a football.

ROC Hey, Marino, check it out. I'm throwin' passes to a Dolphin!

He chucks the ball and hits Snowflake, hard. The thugs both laugh hysterically.

Snowflake makes an angry leap and drenches the thugs. Snowflake laughs now, the thugs are furious.

VINNIE

Get some more fish!

INT. BEHIND MACHINERY - CONTINUOUS

Roc walks behind a big piece of machinery, reaches down for the pail of smelts, but sees nothing.

ROC Where the hell's the smelts?

He stands up straight and we all hear that familiar "Pop" of a sunflower seed being cracked open.

Roc's eyes widen. He turns and sees…

Ace coyly smiles at him, blows the sunflower seed shells into his face and CLANG! He whacks Roc in the head with a pail full of fish.

ACE

(doing Brando)

He sleeps with the fishes.

INT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - CONTINUOUS

VINNIE

Hey Roc, what the hell was that?

Vinnie cocks his gun and goes to check out the sound.

INT. BEHIND MACHINERY - CONTINUOUS

Vinnie rounds the corner and sees nothing. He walks a little further and notices a trail of smelts lined up on the ground.

He follows the trail around a corner and we see Roc, unconscious but moaning. He is sitting against the ground, with his legs spread apart and the pail over his head. The trail of smelts leads to his crotch. There is one halfway into his zipper, with its tail flipping.

Vinnie takes in this sight, then rushes over to Roc and stands him up.

VINNIE

Hey man! What happened? What's goin on…?

We see Ace at the top of a giant machine. He is aiming a 200 pound steel hook, that hangs on a chain from the ceiling.

ACE

Guess what, boys, it's nap time.

Ace gently releases the hook. Just as Vinnie and Roc turn to look, the iron hook shears both of their heads clean off.

Two headless bodies fall to the ground in slow motion with blood gushing from their necks.

CLOSE ON ACE - HORRIFIED

ACE

Hooooly Shiiit! Oh my god! I didn't mean to - Oh man!!!

Ace holds his head and dances around, completely freaking out what he had done.

ACE

(looking to God)

Lord, I swear! I just wanted to knock them out!

Ace abruptly stops to think.

ACE

Is that murder? I don't know. They were gonna kill me. But they didn't… But they tried. That's self defense. That's it!! I have nothing to worry about!!

CUT TO:

Ace nervously whistling as he wipes his fingerprints off the hook.

INT. IRONWORKS FACTORY - FACTORY

Ace checks on Snowflake then goes to Marino. He signals for Dan to keep quiet, then starts to untie him.

MARINO

(whispers)

Who are you?

ACE

(whispers)

Ace Ventura. Pet detective. I've been sent in with a special play.

(whispers)

Quarterback sneak.

WE HEAR THE CLICK OF A GUN.

EINHORN (O.S.)

Penalty. Too many men on the field.

Ace turns. Einhorn's holding a gun on them from the other side of Snowflake's tank.

EINHORN (CON'T)

I warned you, Ventura.

ACE

What happened to "Ace"?

EINHORN

Good question.

She pulls out a cellular phone and dials.

ACE

Be careful with that phone, lieutenant. I wouldn't want you to get a tumor.

EINHORN

(into phone)

Sergeant Aguado, it's Lt. Einhorn. Get some men over to the old ironworks factory on Victoria Road. I've got the kidnapper trapped in the warehouse. It's Ace Ventura. He's killed Marino and Snowflake.

Einhorn smiles as she puts the phone away.

EINHORN

Vinnie! Roc! Get in here!

Ace gets a very guilty look.

ACE

What? Who are they? You mean there's other people here?

EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY

A battalion of cop cars screech away as we hear…

RADIO DISPATCHER

(V.O.)

Attention all units. Code 11 in progress at 343 Victorville Road. Officer needs back-up…

INT. BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM OWNER'S BOX - DAY

The cops and Emilio listen to their ear pieces…

RADIO DISPATCHER

(V.O.)

…Suspect's name: Ace Ventura, male Caucasian, he is armed and dangerous…

Emilio nudges Melissa.

EMILIO

It's Ace. Let's go.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Emilio high tails it out of there. Dodging concession stand patrons, bathroom lines, etc… Melissa runs behind, trying to catch up.

MELISSA

Emilio, is he in trouble?

EMILIO

Don't worry, there's nothing Ace can't handle!

INT. IRONWORKS FACTORY - DAY

Einhorn cocks her gun. Ace's face is glistening with tears. He's a complete wreck.

ACE

Don't kill meeee!! Pleeheeheeheeheeeezzz!!! I'll never tell anyone! I swear!

(indicating Marino)

He's the one you want!! Kill him!!

MARINO

(indicating Ace)

No… kill him!

The two argue. Einhorn fires a shot in the air to stop them.

EINHORN

No, I'm gonna kill the dolphin first.

(to Ace)

I wouldn't want you to miss that.

Einhorn walks to the edge of the tank. She aims the gun at Snowflake and FIRES!

We see the bullet miss Snowflake under water.

Snowflake swims wildly. She FIRES again! Misses again. Suddenly, Ace HOLLERS!

ACE

Blue forty-two!!

Einhorn turns to Ace.

EINHORN

SHUT UP!!

ACE

BLUE FORTY-TWO!

Einhorn shoots at Ace! He dives out of the way.

ACE

HUT! HUT!

Suddenly, Snowflake leaps out of the water and takes the gun out of Einhorn's hand, like the trick we saw earlier. Snowflake swims around the pool with the gun in his mouth.

ACE

(smug)

Yes. The highly trained dolphin. Perhaps the smartest mammal in the animal kingdom. See how he knew exactly what I wanted him to do, as if our minds were somehow in complete synchronization. They have been know to save men at sea you know. They have their own language.

(to Snowflake)

Snowflake. Come here, Snowflake! Bring me the gun!

(makes dolphin sounds)

EEEEEE! EEEEEE! EEEEEE!

Just like the trick in his routine, however, Snowflake swims around the tank, passes Ace, then hands the gun back to Einhorn. He finishes with a tail walk.

ACE

(under his breath)

Stupid fish.

ON TV: Miami's kicker boots a perfect field goal from fifty yards.

JOHN MADDEN

He got all of his leg into that one!

The field goal kicker is hugged by his teammates.

ACE

Good to see someone who doesn't buckle under the pressure?

MARINO

Yeah, not like in 82 when we choked…

Einhorn walks to Ace and puts the gun against his head.

EINHORN

What would you know about pressure?

ACE

Well, I've kissed a man.

JOHN MADDEN (ON TV)

Of course, there's never been a more crucial kick than the famous Kick heard 'round the world…

The famous footage airs on TV. They all turn to watch.

JOHN MADDEN

…I mean, it's clear to me that it was a good hold. Finkle just booted it.

EINHORN

The laces weren't out. THE LACES WEREN'T OUT!!

Einhorn takes a shot at the screen, creating a hole in Madden's forehead. Ace uses the moment to smack the gun out of her hand.

A HUGE, NO-HOLDS-BARRED FIGHT ensues. Ace and Einhorn punch each other about the face and stomach.

Einhorn throws a punch at Ace. Ace goes down.

Einhorn goes for the loose gun. Ace leaps and tackles her.

They both crash into old rusty equipment, raising a mountain of dust. Marino struggles all the while trying to get free.

Einhorn kicks Ace. He flies into Marino.

MARINO

Having a little trouble with the lady, Ace?

ACE

(out of breath)

You don't understand, she's a –

Einhorn grabs Ace, throws him into a head lock and begins wailing on his face.

Meanwhile, cops start arriving, SWAT team members disperse onto the catwalk as the fight continues. They try but can't get a bead on Ace as the two roll around on the floor.

More punches. They fight up a flight of stairs, then back down. To the amazement of the SWAT team, Ace and Einhorn slug it out as equals.

AGUADO

(caught up)

Get him, Lois!

Now they crash through a plate glass window together. Ace gets to his knees first and wobbles toward the gun. It's the first clear shot the SWAT team has had.

EINHORN

(screaming)

Shoot him! Shoot him!

We all hear the guns cocked. We see Ace in the rifle sights. We see fingers twitch on triggers.

A loud voice comes from off camera.

EMILIO

DON'T SHOOT! HOLD YOUR FIRE!

Melissa is holding Emilio's gun under his chin.

MELISSA

Put down your guns or this cop gets it!

The SWAT team hesitates.

MELISSA (CONT'D)

I mean it!!

Much to Emilio's surprise, she cocks the gun.

EMILIO

(whispers to Melissa)

Ah… Melissa? That's a hair trigger.

(loud to cops)

She's not joking!

The SWAT team leader signals his men. They lower their guns. Einhorn gets back to her feet.

EINHORN

He kidnapped Snowflake. He killed Roger Podacter, and he was about to kill Dan Marino and me!

ACE

Ho, ho! Fiction can be fun! But I find the reference section much more enlightening.

(doing his best Clarence Darrow)

For instance, if you were to look up 'professional football's all time bonehead plays', you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed a twenty-six yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl Seventeen.

(in one breath)

What you wouldn't read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, and was committed to a mental institute, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hker, seducing her way to the top, in a diabolical plan to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the entire thing!!!

Ace gasps for air. Everyone is totally confused.

AGUADO

What the hell are you trying to say?

ACE

She's not Lois Einhorn! She's Ray Finkle! She's a man!

EINHORN

He's lying! Shoot him!

Ace walks over to her.

ACE

Let's just see who's lying. Would a real woman have to wear one of these?

Ace dramatically pulls at Einhorn's hair, thinking it's a wig. Einhorn's head flies back. The hair is real. Ace keeps tugging it.

The SWAT team ready themselves.

ACE (CONT'D)

Boy, that's really on there! But tell me this: Would a real woman be missing these?!

Ace rips open Einhorn's blouse, and reveals two beautiful feminine breasts.

The sharp shooters are tensing. Ace is laughing nervously now.

ACE

Ha, ha, ha! That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend! But I doubt if she could find the time during her busy schedule to get rid of Mr. Knish!!

Ace rips off Einhorn's skirt. Einhorn now stands there fully nude. She appears to be the perfect figure of a woman.

ACE

Oooh boy.

Ace looks at Melissa and Emilio and shrugs his shoulders. Then, just when it seems all is lost, Dan Marino who is back behind Einhorn, motions for Ace to come over.

MARINO

Psst… Ace. Come here.

ACE

(to everyone)

Could you excuse me just a second.

Ace goes to Dan. Melissa still holds Emilio hostage.

EINHORN

Shoot him. Shoot him, now!!

MELISSA

(to cops)

Don't anybody make a move!

Marino whispers something in his ear. Ace looks confident again. He once more addresses the crowd.

ACE

Ladies and gentlemen, my esteemed colleague Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal minds can be wrong, from time to time. But, if I have been mistaken… if the lieutenant is indeed a woman… then my friends, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen!!!

Ace spins Einhorn around now, exposing to the world, the healthy set of male genetalia that Finkle has learned to keep tucked between his legs. (And if we have any balls, we'll actually show it.)

Everyone gasps. CLOSE UP ON EINHORN/FINKLE. He finally drops the facade.

FINKLE

(deepest voice possible)

It was Marino's fault. The laces were in.

(breaking down now)

They were IN!!!

Quick cuts of all the cops spitting with disgust. Then Emilio spits.

Then CLOSE ON Marino spitting. They all have kissed her/him/it. Even Snowflake blows his spout.

Ace confidently cracks a sunflower seed.

ACE

Somebody read it its rights.

Suddenly, Finkle picks up a shard of broken glass and lunges at Ace.

FINKLE

DIE ANIMAL BOYYYYY!!!

Thinking fast Ace sidesteps Finkle and sends him head first into Snowflake's makeshift tank. After a few seconds Finkle fights his way to the surface and thrashes around, helplessly.

FINKLE

(gasping for air)

Help I can't swim!!!

Finkle goes under again. We see him under water sinking down.

Snowflake swims to him now, allowing him to grab onto his fin and pulls Finkle gently to the side of the pool. Finkle lies there exhausted.

Ace reaches down into frame, removing the '82 AFC Championship ring from Finkle's finger. We see that it's the ring with the missing stone. Ace replaces it with the stone in his pocket. It's a perfect fit.

ACE

LLLOOOSER! LLOO HOO SERR HERR HERR!!!

Melissa is still holding the gun on Emilio.

EMILIO

Melissa… you can give me back my gun now.

Melissa has forgotten she even had the gun. She hands it to Emilio and faints in his arms.

Now Aguado appears beside Ace.

AGUADO

I don't know how you did it, Ventura… but that was damn good police work. Alright guys, let's wrap this up!

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

Twenty or more police cars in single file provide more than ample escort for…

…Ace and Marino in Ace's Chevy Bel-Aire with the cracked windshield. Both of them have their heads sticking out so that they can see. Marino has a wad of gum in his mouth.

HIGH ANGLE

The long line of flashing lights and cop cars drives at top speed up Route One. Ace's Bel-Aire right in the middle.

MARINO (O.S.)

hey Ace?

ACE (O.S.)

Yeah, Dan?

MARINO (O.S.)

Got any more gum?

CUT TO:

INT. STADIUM - DAY

The Super Bowl Halftime Show is in progress. Marino is in uniform warming up. Emilio is drooling at the cheerleaders. Ace and Melissa are standing near the fifty yard line taking in the awesome spectacle.

Some fireworks go off around the tank. A marching band plays a triumphant tune. We see a helicopter come up over the side of the stadium carrying Snowflake.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

Ladies and gentlemen, the Miami Dolphins are proud to welcome back to BOBBY RIDDLE Stadium, our beloved mascot and star of the halftime show…

ANGLE ON

The helicopter lowering Snowflake into his tank.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

Snowflake!!

As the crowd roars, Melissa turns to Ace, and with Snowflake in the background performing spectacular flips, they kiss.

ANOTHER ANGLE

As Melissa and Ace kiss, the prized 'White Pigeon' lands on a Gatorade dispenser in the foreground. Ace spots it and starts to make a move.

Just as he closes in for the grab, the Philadelphia Eagles mascot eagle walks up to get a drink and shoos the pigeon away. Ace is furious.

ACE

You idiot! Do you know what you've done?!

The giant eagle head looks up at Ace.

MASCOT

Huh?

Ace grabs him.

ACE

You just cost me ten thousand bucks, Polly!

MASCOT

Yeah Blow me.

ACE

REE HEE HEE HEELYYY?!!!

PULL BACK to find Eagle's mascot and Ace arguing. We can't hear what's said, but there's a lot of finger pointing.

Emilio stops his leering to check out what's going on.

The ANNOUNCER up in the booth reads a release.

ANNOUNCER

The National Football League would now like to offer a special thank you to the man who rescued Dan Marino and our beloved Snowflake…

On the field the mascot shoves Ace. Ace shoves back.

ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)

A great humanitarian, and lover of all animals… Mr. Ace Ventura!

Ace is straddling the eagle, pounding the shit out of giant head.

The image is flashed on the big stadium screen. We freeze frame on this huge picture of Ace, as he looks into camera with his fist raised.

MUSIC UP: THRASH METAL

ROLL CREDITS

THE END


==

Head

==


Hello.

My name's Forrest. Forrest Gump.




Do you want a chocolate?




I could eat

about a million and a half of these.




My mama always said

life was like a box of chocolates.




You never know

what you're going to get.




Those must be comfortable shoes.




I bet you could walk all day in shoes

like that and not feel a thing.




- I wish I had shoes like that.

- My feet hurt.




Mama always said there's an awful lot




you can tell about a person

by their shoes.




Where they're going,

where they've been.




I've worn lots of shoes.




I bet if I think about it real hard,




I could remember

my first pair of shoes.




Mama said they'd take me anywhere.




She said they was my magic shoes.




All right, Forrest,

open your eyes now.




Let's take a little walk around.




How do those feel?




His legs are strong, Mrs Gump,

as strong as I've ever seen.




But his back's as

crooked as a politician.




But we're going to straighten him

right up, aren't we, Forrest?




When I was a baby, Mama named me

after the great Civil War hero




General Nathan Bedford Forrest.




She said we was related to him

in some way.




What he did was he started up

this club called the Ku Klux Klan.




They'd all dress up

in their robes and their bed sheets




and act like a bunch

of ghosts or spooks or something.




They'd even put bed sheets

on their horses and ride around.




And anyway, that's how

I got my name, Forrest Gump.




Mama said the Forrest part

was to remind me that sometimes




we all do things that, well,

just don't make no sense.




This way. Hold on.




All right.

What are y'all staring at?




Haven't you ever seen a little boy

with braces on his legs before?




Don't ever let anybody tell you

they're better than you, Forrest.




If God wanted everybody

to be the same,




he'd have given us all

braces on our legs.




Mama always had a way of explaining

things so I could understand them.




We lived about

a quarter mile off Route




about a half mile

from the town of Greenbow, Alabama.




That's in the county of Greenbow.




Our house had been in Mama's family

since her grandpa's grandpa's grandpa




had come across the ocean

about a thousand years ago.




Since it was just me and Mama

and we had all these empty rooms,




Mama decided to let those rooms out,

mostly to people passing through,




like from Mobile,

Montgomery, places like that.




That's how me and Mama got money.

Mama was a real smart lady.




Remember what I told you, Forrest.




You're no different

than anybody else is.




Did you hear what I said, Forrest?

You're the same as everybody else.




You are no different.




Your boy's different, Mrs Gump.

His I.Q. Is .




Well, we're all different,

Mr Hancock.




She wanted me to have

the finest education,




so she took me to

the Greenbow County Central School.




I met the principal and all.




I want to show you

something, Mrs Gump.




Now, this is normal.

Forrest is right here.




The state requires a minimum I.Q.

Of to attend public school.




Mrs Gump, he's going to have

to go to a special school.




- He'll be just fine.

- What does normal mean anyway?




He might be a bit on the slow side,

but my boy Forrest




will get the same opportunities

as everyone else.




He's not going to some special school

to learn how to retread tyres.




We're talking about

five little points here.




There must be something can be done.




We're a progressive school system.




We don't want to see

anybody left behind.




Is there a Mr Gump, Mrs Gump?




He's on vacation.




Your mama sure does care

about your schooling, son.




You don't say much, do you?




"Finally, he had to try.

It looked easy, but...




"Oh, what happened. First they..."




- Mama, what's vacation mean?

- Vacation?




Where daddy went?




Vacation's when you go somewhere...

and you don't ever come back.




Anyway, I guess you could say

me and Mama was on our own.




But we didn't mind.

Our house was never empty.




There was always

folks coming and going.




- Supper! It's supper, everyone!

- That sure looks special.




Sometimes, we had so many people

staying with us




that every room was filled,

with travellers, you know,




folks living out of their suitcases

and hat cases and sample cases.




Forrest Gump,

it's suppertime! Forrest?




One time, a young man was staying

with us, and he had a guitar case.




Forrest, I told you not to bother

this nice young man.




No, that's all right, ma'am.




I was showing him

a thing or two on the guitar.




All right. Supper's ready

if y'all want to eat.




Yeah, that sounds good.

Thank you, ma'am.




Say, show me that crazy little walk

you did there. Slow it down some.




I liked that guitar. It sounded good.




I started moving around to the music,

swinging my hips.




This one night,

me and Mama was out shopping,




and we walked by Benson's furniture

and appliance store, and guess what?




This is not for children's eyes.




Some years later, that handsome

young man who they called The King,




well, he sung too many songs.




Had himself a heart attack

or something.




It must be hard being a king.




It's funny how you remember some

things, but some things you can't.




- You do your very best now, Forrest.

- I sure will, Mama.




I remember the bus ride

on the first day of school very well.




Are you coming along?




Mama said not to take rides

from strangers.




This is the bus to school.




- I'm Forrest, Forrest Gump.

- I'm Dorothy Harris.




Well, now we ain't strangers anymore.




This seat's taken.




It's taken.




You can't sit here.




You know, it's funny what

a young man recollects,




'cause I don't remember being born.




I don't recall what I got

for my first Christmas,




and I don't know when I went

on my first outdoor picnic,




but I do remember

the first time I heard




the sweetest voice in the wide world.




You can sit here if you want.




I had never seen anything

so beautiful in my life.




She was like an angel.




Well, are you going

to sit down or aren't you?




What's wrong with your legs?




Nothing at all, thank you.

My legs are just fine and dandy.




I just sat next to her on that bus




and had a conversation

all the way to school.




My back's crooked

like a question mark.




Next to Mama, no one ever talked

to me or asked me questions.




Are you stupid or something?




Mama says,

"Stupid is as stupid does."




- I'm Jenny.

- I'm Forrest, Forrest Gump.




From that day on,

we was always together.




Jenny and me

was like peas and carrots.




She taught me how to climb.




Come on, Forrest, you can do it.




I showed her how to dangle.




She helped me learn how to read,

and I showed her how to swing.




Sometimes, we'd just sit out

and wait for the stars.




- Mama's going to worry about me.

- Just stay a little longer.




For some reason,

Jenny never wanted to go home.




OK, Jenny, I'll stay.




She was my most special friend.




My only friend.




My Mama always told me

that miracles happen every day.




Some people don't think so,

but they do.




Hey, dummy!




Are you retarded,

or just plain stupid?




- Look, I'm Forrest Gimp.

- Just run away, Forrest.




Run, Forrest! Run away! Hurry!




- Get the bikes!

- Let's get him! Come on!




Look out, dummy!

We're going to get you!




Run, Forrest, run! Run, Forrest!




Come back here, you!




Run, Forrest! Run!




You wouldn't

believe it if I told you,




but I can run like the wind blows.




From that day on, if I was

going somewhere, I was running.




That boy sure is a running fool.




Remember how I told you that Jenny

never seemed to want to go home?




She lived in a house

that was as old as Alabama.




Her mama had gone to heaven

when she was five,




and her daddy was

some kind of a farmer.




Jenny?




He was a very loving man.




He was always kissing

and touching her and her sisters.




And then this one time, Jenny

wasn't on the bus to go to school.




Jenny,

why didn't you come to school today?




Daddy's taking a nap.




Come on!




Jenny, where'd you run to?

You better get back here, girl!




Where you at?




Jenny! Jenny, where you at?




Pray with me, Forrest. Pray with me.




Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly

far, far, far away from here.




Dear God, make me a bird

so I can fly far...




Mama always said God is mysterious.




He didn't turn Jenny

into a bird that day.




Instead, he had the police say




Jenny didn't have to stay

in that house no more.




She was to live with her grandma,

just over on Creekmore Avenue,




which made me happy,

'cause she was so close.




Some nights, Jenny'd sneak out

and come on over to my house,




just 'cause she said she was scared.

Scared of what, I don't know.




But I think it was her grandma's dog.

He was a mean dog.




Anyway, Jenny and me was best friends

all the way up through high school.




- Hey, stupid!

- Quit it!




Run, Forrest, run!




- Didn't you hear me, stupid?

- Run, Forrest!




Get in the truck!

Come on! He's getting away! Move it!




Run, Forrest! Run!




Run, Forrest!




Now, it used to be

I ran to get where I was going.




I never thought

it would take me anywhere.




Who in the hell is that?




That is Forrest Gump, coach.

Just a local idiot.




And can you believe it?

I got to go to college, too.




- Forrest, move it! Run!

- OK!




- Run!

- Run, you stupid son of a bitch!




Run, son of a bitch, run! Go! Run!




He must be the stupidest son of

a bitch alive, but he sure is fast.




Now, maybe it's just me,

but college was very confusing times.




Federal troops,

enforcing a court order,




integrated

the University of Alabama today.




Two Negroes were admitted,




but only after Governor George

Wallace had carried out




his symbolic threat

to stand in the schoolhouse door.




Earl, what's going on?




Coons are trying to get into school.




Coons? When racoons

tried getting on our back porch,




Mama just chased them off

with a broom.




Not racoons, you idiot. Niggers.

They want to go to school with us.




With us? They do?




Shortly after Governor Wallace




had carried out his promise

to block the doorway,




President Kennedy

ordered the Secretary of Defence




to use military force.




Here, by videotape,

is the encounter by General Graham,




commander of the national guard,

and Governor Wallace.




Because these national guardsmen

are here today




as federal soldiers for Alabama,

and they live within our borders.




They are our brothers.

We are winning in this fight,




because we are awakening

the American people to the dangers




that we have spoken about

so many times, so evident today,




a trend toward military

dictatorship in this country.




And so, at day's end,




the University of Alabama

in Tuscaloosa had been desegregated,




and students Jimmy Hood

and Vivian Malone




had been signed up

for summer classes.




Ma'am, you dropped your book. Ma'am.




Governor Wallace

did what he promised.




By being on the Tuscaloosa campus,

he kept the mob from gathering...




- Say, wasn't that Gump?

- Naw, that couldn't be.




It sure as hell was.




A few years later, that angry

little man at the schoolhouse door




thought it'd be a good idea

and ran for President.




But somebody thought that it wasn't.

But he didn't die.




- My bus is here.

- Is it the number nine?




- No, it's the number four.

- It was nice talking to you.




I remember when that happened, when

Wallace got shot. I was in college.




Did you go to a girls college

or a girls and boys together college?




It was coed.




Jenny went to a college I couldn't go

to. It was a college just for girls.




But I'd go and visit her

every chance I got.




That hurts.




Forrest, stop it! Stop it!

What are you doing?




- He was hurting you.

- No, he wasn't! Get over there!




- Billy, I'm sorry.

- Just keep away from me.




Don't be such a... Don't go.

Billy, wait a second.




He doesn't know any better.




Forrest, why'd you do that?




I brought you some chocolate.

I'm sorry.




I'll go back to my college now.




Look at you.




Come on. Come on.




Is this your own room?




Do you ever dream, Forrest,

about who you're going to be?




Who I'm going to be?

Aren't I going to be me?




You'll always be you,

just another kind of you.




You know? I want to be famous.




I want to be a singer

like Joan Baez.




I just want to be on an empty stage

with my guitar, my voice.




Just me.




And I want to reach people

on a personal level.




I want to be able to say things,

just one to one.




Have you ever been with a girl,

Forrest?




I sit next to them in my home

economics class all the time.




I'm sorry.




- It's OK.

- Sorry.




It's all right.




- It's OK.

- I'm dizzy.




I'll bet that never

happened in home ec.




No.




I think I ruined

your roommate's bathrobe.




I don't care.

I don't like her anyway.




College ran by real fast

'cause I played so much football.




They even put me on a thing

called the All-America team




where you get to meet the President

of the United States.




President Kennedy met with the

collegiate All-American football team




at the Oval Office today.




The really good thing about meeting

the President of the United States




is the food.

They put you in this little room




with just about anything

you'd want to eat or drink.




But since, number one,

I wasn't hungry, but thirsty,




and number two, they was free, I must

have drank about Dr Peppers.




How does it feel

to be an All-American?




It's an honour, sir.




How does it feel

to be an All-American?




Very good, sir.




How does it feel

to be an All-American?




Very good, sir.




- Congratulations. How do you feel?

- I got to pee.




I believe he said he had to pee.




Some time later,

for no particular reason,




somebody shot that nice young

President when he was in his car.




And a few years after that, somebody

shot his little brother, too,




only he was in a hotel kitchen.




Must be hard being brothers.

I wouldn't know.




Now can you believe it?




After only five years of playing

football, I got a college degree.




Congratulations, son.




Mama was so proud.




Forrest, I'm so proud of you.

I'll hold this for you.




Congratulations, son.




Have you given

any thought to your future?




Thought?




Hello. I'm Forrest. Forrest Gump.




Nobody gives a horse's shit

who you are, pus ball!




You're not even a lowlife,

scum-sucking maggot!




Get your maggoty ass on the bus!

You're in the army now!




- Seat's taken.

- Taken.




At first it seemed

like I made a mistake.




It was only my induction day,

and I was getting yelled at.




Sit down if you want to.




I didn't know who I might meet

or what they might ask.




You ever been on a real shrimp boat?




No. But I been on a real big boat.




I'm talking about

a shrimp catching boat.




I been working on shrimp boats

all my life.




I started out on my uncle's boat

when I was about maybe nine.




I was just looking into buying

my own boat and got drafted.




My given name

is Benjamin Buford Blue.




People call me Bubba, just like

one of them old redneck boys.




Can you believe that?




My name's Forrest Gump.

People call me Forrest Gump.




So Bubba was from Bayou La Batre,

Alabama, and his mama cooked shrimp.




And her mama before her

cooked shrimp,




and her mama before her mama

cooked shrimp, too.




Bubba's family knew

everything there was to know




about the shrimping business.




I know everything there is to know

about the shrimping business.




I'm going into the shrimping business

myself after I get out of the army.




Gump! What's your sole purpose

in this army?




To do whatever you tell me,

drill sergeant!




God damn it, Gump,

you're a goddamn genius.




That's the most outstanding answer

I've ever heard.




You must have a goddamn I.Q. Of .

You are goddamn gifted, Private Gump.




Listen up, people!




For some reason, I fit in the army

like one of them round pegs.




It's not really hard.




You just make your bed neat,

remember to stand up straight,




and always answer every question

with "Yes, drill sergeant."




- Is that clear?

- Yes, drill sergeant!




What you do is

drag your nets along the bottom.




On a good day, you can catch

over a hundred pounds of shrimp.




Everything goes all right,

two men shrimping ten hours,




less what you spends on gas...




- Done, drill sergeant!

- Gump!




Why did you put that weapon

together so quickly?




You told me to, drill sergeant.




Jesus H. Christ.

This is a new company record.




If it wasn't a waste

of a fine enlisted man,




I'd recommend you for O.C.S.,

Private Gump.




You're going to be a general someday!




Now disassemble your weapon

and continue!




Anyway, like I was saying,

shrimp is the fruit of the sea.




You can barbecue it,

boil it, broil it, bake it, sauté it.




There's shrimp kabobs, shrimp creole,




shrimp gumbo, pan fried,

deep fried, stir fried.




There's pineapple shrimp

and lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp,




pepper shrimp,

shrimp soup, shrimp stew,




shrimp salad, shrimp in potatoes,

shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich.




That's about it.




Night-time in the army

is a lonely time.




We'd lay there in our bunks,

and I'd miss my mama,




and I'd miss Jenny.




Gump, get a load of the tits on her.




Turns out Jenny had gotten

into some trouble




over some photos of her

in her college sweater.




And she was thrown out of school.




But that wasn't a bad thing,




'cause a man who owns a theatre

in Memphis, Tennessee,




saw those photos and offered Jenny

a job singing in a show.




The first chance I got,

I took the bus up to Memphis




to see her perform in that show.




That was Amber, Amber Flame.

Give her a big hand.




And now, for your listening

and viewing pleasure,




direct from Hollywood, California,

our very own beatnik beauty.




Let's give a big round of applause

to the luscious Bobbie Dylon.




Her dream had come true.

She was a folk singer.




- Come on baby, shake it up now!

- Somebody get her a harmonica.




- This ain't Captain Kangaroo!

- I got something here for you.




God damn it!




Hey, you stupid jerk!

I'm singing a song here.




Paulie, get out here!




Shut up!




Forrest! What are you doing here?

What are you doing?




What are you doing, Forrest?

Let me down!




You can't keep doing this, Forrest.

You can't keep trying to rescue me.




- They was trying to grab you.

- A lot of people try to grab me.




You can't keep

doing this all the time.




I can't help it. I love you.




You don't know what love is.




You remember that time

we prayed, Forrest?




We prayed for God to turn me

into a bird so I could fly far away?




Yes, I do.




You think

I could fly off this bridge?




What do you mean, Jenny?




Nothing.




I gotta get out of here.




- Wait, Jenny.

- Forrest, you stay away from me, OK?




Just stay away from me, please.




- Can I have a ride?

- Where are you going?




- I don't care.

- Get in the truck.




So bye-bye, Jenny.




They sending me to Vietnam.




It's this whole other country.




Just hang on a minute.




Listen, you promise me something, OK?




Just if you're ever in trouble,

don't be brave.




- You just run, OK? Just run away.

- OK.




I'll write you all the time.




And just like that, she was gone.




You come back safe to me.

Do you hear?




They told us that Vietnam

was going to be very different




from the United States of America.




Except for all the beer cans

and barbecues, it was.




I'll bet there's shrimp

all in these waters.




They tell me these Vietnams

is good shrimp.




After we win this war

and we take over everything,




we can get American shrimpers out

here and shrimp these waters.




Just shrimp all the time, man.




- You must be my FNGs.

- Morning, sir.




Get your hands down.

Do not salute me.




There are goddamn snipers

all around this area




who'd love to grease an officer.




I'm Lieutenant Dan Taylor.

Welcome to Fort Platoon.




- What's wrong with your lip?

- I was born with big gums, sir.




Well, you better tuck that in.

Gonna get that caught on a trip wire.




Where are you boys from in the world?




- Alabama, sir!

- You twins?




No. We are not relations, sir.




Look, it's pretty basic here.

You stick with me and learn




from the guys who've been in country

a while, you'll be all right.




There is one item of G.I. Gear




that can be the difference

between life and death. Socks.




Cushioned sole, O.D. Green.

Try and keep your feet dry.




When we're out humpin',

change your socks whenever we stop.




The Mekong will eat

a grunt's feet right off his legs.




Sergeant Sims. God damn it, where's

that sling rope I said to order?




- I put in the requisitions.

- Well, call those sons of bitches...




Lieutenant Dan knew his stuff. I felt

real lucky he was my lieutenant.




He was from a long,

great military tradition.




Somebody in his family

had fought and died




in every single American war.




God damn it, kick some ass.

Get on it!




I guess you could say

he had a lot to live up to.




So, you boys from Arkansas?

Well, I been through there.




Little Rock's a fine town.




Now, shake down your gear.

See the platoon sergeant.




Draw what you need for the field.




If you boys are hungry, we got

steaks burning right over here.




Two standing orders in this platoon.

One, take good care of your feet.




Two, try not to do anything stupid,

like getting yourself killed.




I sure hope I don't let him down.




I got to see a lot of countryside.

We would take these real long walks.




And we were always lookin'

for this guy named Charlie.




- Hold it up!

- Hold up, boys!




It wasn't always fun.




Lieutenant Dan was always getting

these funny feelings




about a rock or a trail or the road,

so he'd tell us to get down, shut up.




Get down! Shut up!




So we did.




I don't know much about anything,




but I think some of America's

best young men served in this war.




There was Dallas from Phoenix.




Cleveland, he was from Detroit.




Hey, Tex. What the hell's going on?




And Tex was... Well, I don't

remember where Tex come from.




Ah, nothing.




Fourth platoon, on your feet.




Y'all got clicks

to go to that river. Move out.




- One, two, hup!

- Step it up! Look alive out there.




The good thing about Vietnam

is there was always someplace to go.




Fire in the hole!




Gump, check out that hole.




And there was always something to do.




Mount 'em up!

Spread out! Cover his back!




One day it started raining,

and it didn't quit for four months.




We've been through every

kind of rain there is.




Little bitty stinging rain

and big old fat rain,




rain that flew in sideways,

and sometimes rain even seemed




to come straight up from underneath.




Shoot, it even rained at night.




- Hey, Forrest.

- Hey, Bubba.




I'm going to lean up against you.

You lean up against me.




This way we don't have to sleep

with our heads in the mud.




You know why

we're a good partnership, Forrest?




'Cause we be watching out for one

another, like brothers and stuff.




Hey, Forrest,

something I been thinking about.




I got a very important question

to ask you.




How would you like to go

into the shrimping business with me?




- OK.

- Man, I tell you what.




I got it all figured out, too.




So many pounds of shrimp

will pay off the boat.




So many pounds for gas.

We'll live right on the boat.




We ain't got to pay no rent.




We can just work it together, split

everything right down the middle.




Man, I'm telling you, - . Hey,

Forrest, all the shrimp you can eat.




That's a fine idea.




Bubba did have a fine idea.




I even wrote Jenny

and told her all about it.




I sent her letters.

Not every day, but almost.




I told her what I was doing

and asked her what she was doing,




and told her

how I thought about her always.




And how I was looking forward

to getting a letter from her




just as soon as she had the time.




I'd always let her know

that I was OK.




Then I'd sign each letter

"Love, Forrest Gump."




This one day,

we was out walking like always,




and then, just like that,

somebody turned off the rain,




and the sun come out.




Ambush! Take cover!




- Get that pig up here, God damn it!

- Forrest, are you OK?




Strong Arm, Strong Arm!




- We've got a man down.

- Strong Arm, this is Leg Lima !




Roger, Strong Arm! We have incoming

from the treeline at Point Blue...




...plus two! A.K. S and rockets!

We're getting it hard!




- Misfire! Misfire!

- God damn it!




Get that pig unfucked

and put it in the treeline!




They got us down, hard and hurt.




We're going to move back

to the blue line.




Pull back! Pull back!




- Forrest! Run, Forrest!

- Pull back!




- Run! Run, man! Run!

- Pull back, Gump!




Run, God damn it! Run!




I ran and ran

just like Jenny told me to.




I ran so far so fast that soon I was

all by myself, which was a bad thing.




Bubba was my best good friend.

I had to make sure he was OK.




Where the hell are you?




And on my way back to find Bubba,

there was a boy laying on the ground.




Tex. OK.




I couldn't let him lay there

all alone, scared the way he was,




so I grabbed him up

and run him out of there.




Every time I went back

looking for Bubba,




somebody else was saying,

"Help me, Forrest, help me!"




OK. Here. Here.




No sweat, man.

Lay back. You'll be OK.




I started to get scared

that I might never find Bubba.




I know my position is danger close!

We got Charlie all over this area.




I got to have those fast movers

in here now. Over.




Lieutenant Dan, Coleman's dead!




I know he's dead! My whole

goddamn platoon is wiped out!




God damn it! What are you doing?

You leave me here!




Get away.

Just leave me here! Get out!




God, I said leave me here,

God damn it!




Leg Lima six, this is strong-arm.




Be advised your fast

movers are inbound. Over.




Then it felt like something

just jumped up and bit me.




Something bit me!




Goddamn son of a bitch!




I can't leave the platoon.

I told you to leave me there, Gump.




Forget about me. Get yourself out!

Did you hear what I said?




Gump, damn it, put me down.

Get your ass out of here.




I didn't ask you to pull me out

of there, God damn you!




- Where do you think you're going?

- To get Bubba.




I got an air strike

inbound right now.




They're going to nape the whole area.

Stay here! That's an order.




I gotta find Bubba!




I'm OK, Forrest. I'm OK.




- Bubba, no.

- I'll be all right.




Come on. Come on. Come on.




I'm OK, Forrest.




I'm OK. I'm fine.




Top smoke. Get it up there.




If I'd have known this was going

to be the last time me and Bubba




was gonna talk, I'd of thought

of something better to say.




- Hey, Bubba.

- Hey, Forrest.




- Forrest, why did this happen?

- You got shot.




Then Bubba said something

I won't ever forget.




I want to go home.




Bubba was my best good friend.




And even I know that ain't something

you can find just around the corner.




Bubba was going to be

a shrimping boat captain,




but instead, he died right

there by that river in Vietnam.




That's all I have to say about that.




It was a bullet, wasn't it?




- A bullet?

- That jumped up and bit you.




Yes, sir.

Bit me directly in the but-tocks.




They said it was a million

dollar wound, but...




The army must keep that money,




'cause I still ain't seen a nickel

of that million dollars.




The only good thing

about being wounded in the but-tocks




is the ice cream.




They gave me all the ice cream

I could eat. And guess what?




A good friend of mine was

in the bed right next door.




Lieutenant Dan,

I got you some ice cream.




Lieutenant Dan, ice cream!




It's time for your bath,

Lieutenant.




Harper!




Cooper. Larson.




Webster. Gump.




- Gump!

- I'm Forrest Gump.




Kyle. Nichols.




McMill. Johnson.




Gump, how can you watch

that stupid shit? Turn it off.




You are tuned to the American Forces

Vietnam Network.




This is Channel Saigon.




Good catch, Gump.

You know how to play this?




Come on. Let me show you.




The secret to this game is

no matter what happens,




never, ever take your eye

off the ball.




All right.




For some reason, ping-pong

came very natural to me.




See? Any idiot can play.




So I started playing it all the time.




I played ping-pong even when I didn't

have anyone to play ping-pong with.




The hospital's people said it

made me look like a duck in water,




whatever that means.




Even Lieutenant Dan

would come and watch me play.




I played ping-pong so much,

I even played it in my sleep.




Now, you listen to me.

We all have a destiny.




Nothing just happens.

It's all part of a plan!




I should have died

out there with my men,




but now, I'm nothing but

a goddamn cripple, a legless freak!




Look. Look! Look at me!

You see that?




Do you know what it's like

not to be able to use your legs?




Yes, sir, I do.




Did you hear what I said?

You cheated me! I had a destiny.




I was supposed to die in the field

with honour!




That was my destiny,

and you cheated me out of it!




You understand what I'm saying, Gump?




This wasn't supposed to happen,

not to me. I had a destiny.




I was Lieutenant Dan Taylor.




You're still Lieutenant Dan.




Look at me.

What am I going to do now?




What am I going to do now?




PFC Gump?




- Yes, sir!

- As you were.




Son, you been awarded

the Medal of Honour.




Guess what, Lieutenant Dan?

They want to give me a med...




Ma'am, what did they do

with Lieutenant Dan?




They sent him home.




Two weeks later, I left Vietnam.




The ceremony was kicked off

with a candid speech by the President




regarding the need for further

escalation of the war in Vietnam.




President Johnson awarded four medals

of honour to men from each...




America owes you

a debt of gratitude, son.




I understand you were wounded.

Where were you hit?




In the but-tocks, sir.




Well, that must be a sight.

I'd kinda like to see that.




God damn, son!




After that, Mama went

to the hotel to lay down,




so I went out for a walk

to see our capital.




Hilary! I got the vets.

What do you want to do with them?




It's a good thing Mama was resting,




'cause the streets was

awful crowded with people




lookin' at all the statues

and monuments,




and some of them people

were loud and pushy.




OK, follow me! Move it out!




Everywhere I went,

I had to stand in line.




Come on. Go!




You're a good man

for doing this. Good.




OK.




There was this man

giving a little talk.




And for some reason, he was wearing

an American flag for a shirt.




And he liked to say

the "F" Word a lot.




"F" This and "F" That.




And every time he said the "F" Word,

people, for some reason, cheered.




Come on, man. Come up here, man.




Come on. Come on. Yeah, you!

Come on. Move, move!




Go on. Let's get up there.




Tell us a little bit

about the war, man.




- The war in Vietnam?

- The war in Viet-fuckin'-nam!




Well...




There was only one thing

I could say about the war in Vietnam.




There's only one thing

I can say about the war in Vietnam.




In Vietnam...




What the hell are you do...




I'll beat your head in,

you goddamn oinker!




Jesus Christ!

What did they do with this?




Can't hear you!




Can't hear anything!




This... This one! Give me that!




Speak up!




That's it.




And that's all I have to say

about that.




That's so right on, man.

You said it all.




- What's your name, man?

- My name is Forrest. Forrest Gump.




- Forrest Gump.

- Gump!




It was the happiest moment

of my life.




Jenny and me were just

like peas and carrots again.




She showed me around and introduced

me to some of her new friends.




Shut that blind, man! And get your

white ass away from that window.




Don't you know we in a war here?




- He's cool. He's one of us.

- Let me tell you about us.




Our purpose here

is to protect our black leaders




from the racial onslaught of the pig




who wishes to brutalise

our black leaders,




rape our women,

and destroy our black communities.




- Who's the baby killer?

- This is my friend I told you about.




This is Forrest Gump.

Forrest, this is Wesley.




Wesley and I

lived together in Berkeley,




and he's the president

of the Berkeley chapter of SDS.




We are here to offer

protection and help




for all those who need our help,

because we, the Black Panthers,




are against the war in Vietnam.




We are against any war where black

soldiers are sent to the front line




to die for a country that hates them.




We are against any war

where black soldiers go to fight




and come to be brutalised

and killed in their own communities.




We are against all these racist

and imperial acts...




Forrest! Stop it! Stop it!




I shouldn't have brought you here.




I should have known it was going

to be some bullshit hassle!




He should not be hitting you, Jenny.




Come on, Forrest.




Sorry I had a fight in the middle

of your Black Panther party.




He doesn't mean it

when he does things like this.




I would never hurt you, Jenny.




- I know you wouldn't, Forrest.

- I wanted to be your boyfriend.




That uniform is a trip, Forrest.

You look handsome in it. You do.




- You know what?

- What?




I'm glad we were here together

in our nation's capital.




Me, too, Forrest.




We walked around all night,

Jenny and me, just talkin'.




She told me about

all the travelling she'd done




and how she discovered

ways to expand her mind




and learn how to live in harmony,

which must be out west somewhere,




'cause she made it

all the way to California.




Hey. Anybody

want to go to San Francisco?




- I'll go.

- Far out!




It was a very special night

for the two of us.




I didn't want it to end.




- Wish you wouldn't go, Jenny.

- I have to, Forrest.




Jenny?

Things got a little out of hand.




It's just this war and that lying

son of a bitch Johnson and...




I would never hurt you.

You know that.




Know what I think?




I think you should go home

to Greenbow, Alabama!




Forrest, we have very different

lives, you know.




I want you to have this.




Forrest, I can't keep this.




I got it just by doing

what you told me to do.




- Why are you so good to me?

- You're my girl.




I'll always be your girl.




And just like that,

she was gone out of my life again.




It's one small step for man,

one giant leap for mankind.




I thought I was going back

to Vietnam, but instead they decided




the best way for me to fight

the communists was to play ping-pong,




so I was in the Special Services,

travelling around the country,




cheering up wounded veterans and

showing 'em how to play ping-pong.




I was so good,




the Army decided I should be

on the All-American ping-pong team.




We were the first Americans

to visit the land of China




in a million years or something.




Somebody said world peace

was in our hands,




but all I did was play ping-pong.




When I got home,

I was a national celebrity,




famouser even than Captain Kangaroo.




Here he is, Forrest Gump. Right here.




- Forrest Gump, John Lennon.

- Welcome home.




Can you tell us, what was China like?




In the land of China,

people hardly got nothin' at all.




No possessions?




And in China,

they never go to church.




- No religion, too?

- Hard to imagine.




Well, it's easy if you try, Dick.




Some years later,

that nice young man from England




was on his way home to see his little

boy and was signing some autographs.




For no particular reason at all,

somebody shot him.




They gave you

The Congressional Medal of Honour.




Now, that's Lieutenant Dan.




Lieutenant Dan!




They gave you

the Congressional Medal of Honour.




Yes, sir. They surely did.




They gave you, an imbecile,

a moron who goes on television




and makes a fool out of himself

in front of the whole damn country,




the Congressional Medal of Honour.




Yes, sir.




Well, that's just perfect!




Well, I just got one thing to say

to that. Goddamn bless America.




Lieutenant Dan!




Lieutenant Dan

said he was living in a hotel.




Because he didn't have no legs, he

spent his time exercising his arms.




Take a right. Take a right!




Come on, already!




What do you do here in New York,

Lieutenant Dan?




I'm living off the government tit.




Are you blind? I'm walking here!

Get out! Come on. Go, go, go!




I stayed with Lieutenant Dan

and celebrated the holidays.




You have a great year,

and hurry home. God bless you.




Have you found Jesus yet, Gump?




I didn't know I was supposed

to be looking for him, sir.




That's all these cripples at the VA,

that's all they ever talk about.




Jesus this and Jesus that.

Have I found Jesus?




They even had a priest

come and talk to me.




He said God is listening,

but I have to help myself.




Now, if I accept Jesus into my heart,




I'll get to walk beside him

in the kingdom of heaven.




Did you hear what I said?




Walk beside him

in the kingdom of heaven.




Well, kiss my crippled ass. God

is listening? What a crock of shit.




I'm going to heaven, Lieutenant Dan.




Well...




Before you go, why don't you

get your ass down to the corner




- and get us more ripple?

- Yes, sir.




We're at approximately th street

in New York City at One Astor Plaza.




This is the site

of the old Astor Hotel...




- What the hell is in Bayou La Batre?

- Shrimping boats.




Shrimping boats? Who gives a shit

about shrimping boats?




I got to buy me one

soon as I have some money.




I promised Bubba in Vietnam




that as soon as the war was over,

we'd be partners.




He'd be the captain

and I'd be his first mate.




But now that he's dead,

I got to be the captain.




A shrimp boat captain.




Yes, sir. A promise is a promise,

Lieutenant Dan.




Now hear this!




Private Gump here is gonna be

a shrimp boat captain.




Tell you what, Gilligan. The day

you are a shrimp boat captain,




I will come and be your first mate.




If you're ever a shrimp boat captain,

that's the day I'm an astronaut!




Danny, what are you complaining

about? How you doing?




- Mr Hot Wheels. Who's your friend?

- My name is Forrest. Forrest Gump.




This is Cunning Carla

and Long-limbs Lenore.




So where you been, babycakes?

Haven't seen you around lately.




You should have been here

for Christmas,




'cause Tommy bought a free round

and gave everybody a turkey sandwich.




Well, I had company.




We was just there!

That's Times Square.




Don't you just love New Year's?

You can start all over.




Everybody gets a second chance.




It's funny,

but in the middle of all that fun,




I began to think about Jenny,




wondering how she was spending her

New Year's night out in California.




Nine, eight, seven, six,




five, four, three, two, one!

Happy New Year!




Happy New Year, Lieutenant Dan!




What are you, stupid or something?

What's your problem?




What's his problem? Did you lose

your packet in the war or something?




- Is your friend stupid or something?

- What did you say?




I said is your friend

stupid or something?




- Don't call him stupid!

- Hey, don't push her!




You shut up!

Don't you ever call him stupid!




Why you so upset?




Get your goddamn clothes

and get the hell out of here!




You should be in a sideshow.

You're so pathetic!




Get out of here!




- You retard!

- Loser. You freak!




Oh, no.




I'm sorry I ruined your New Year's

Eve party, Lieutenant Dan.




She tastes like cigarettes.




I guess Lieutenant Dan figured

there's some things you can't change.




He didn't want to be called crippled




like I didn't want

to be called stupid.




Happy New Year, Gump.




The U.S. Ping-pong team met

with President Nixon today...




Wouldn't you know it?

A few months later,




they invited me and the ping-pong

team to visit the White House.




So I went, again.




And I met the President

of the United States again.




Only this time, they didn't get us

rooms in a real fancy hotel.




Are you enjoying yourself

in our nation's capital, young man?




- Where are you staying?

- It's called the Hotel Ebbott.




Oh, no. I know a much nicer hotel.




It's brand-new. Very modern.

I'll have my people take care of it.




- Security.

- Yeah. Sir...




You might want to send a maintenance

man to that office across the way.




The lights are off and they must be

looking for a fuse box,




'cause them flashlights,

they're keeping me awake.




- OK, sir. I'll check it out.

- Thank you. Good night.




Therefore,

I shall resign the presidency




effective at noon tomorrow.

Vice President Ford




will be sworn in as President

at that hour in this office.




- Forrest Gump.

- Yes, sir!




As you were. I have your

discharge papers. Service is up, son.




Does this mean

I can't play ping-pong no more?




For the Army, it does.




And just like that, my service

in the United States Army was over.




So I went home.




- I'm home, Mama.

- I know. I know.




Louise, he's here.




When I got home, I had no idea,

but Mama'd had all sorts of visitors.




We've had all sorts of visitors.




Everybody wants you to use

their ping-pong stuff.




One man even left a check for $




if you'd be agreeable to saying

you like using their paddle.




I only like using my own paddle.




- Hi, Miss Louise.

- Hey, Forrest.




I know that,

but it's $ Forrest.




I thought maybe

you could hold it for a while,




see if it grows on you.




That Mama, she sure was right.

It's funny how things work out.




I didn't stay home for long




because I'd made a promise to Bubba,

and I always try to keep my promise,




so I went on down to Bayou La Batre

to meet Bubba's family.




Are you crazy or just plain stupid?




- Stupid is as stupid does, Mrs Blue.

- I guess.




And, of course,

I paid my respect to Bubba himself.




Hey, Bubba. It's me, Forrest Gump.




I remember everything you said,

and I got it all figured out.




I'm taking $ . that I got,




that's left after a new haircut

and a new suit




and I took Mama out

to a real fancy dinner,




and I bought a bus ticket,

and three Dr Peppers.




Tell me something.

Are you stupid or something?




Stupid is as stupid does, sir.




That's what's left after me saying,




"When I was in China

on the All-America ping-pong team,




"I just loved playing ping-pong




"with my Flex-o-lite

ping-pong paddle,"




which everybody knows isn't true,




but Mama said it was just a little

white lie, it wasn't hurting nobody.




So anyway,

I'm putting all that on gas, ropes,




and new nets

and a brand-new shrimping boat.




Bubba told me everything

he knew about shrimping,




but you know what I found out?




Shrimping is tough.




I only caught five.




A couple more,

you can have yourself a cocktail.




You ever think about

naming this old boat?




It's bad luck

to have a boat without a name.




I'd never named a boat before,




but there was only one

I could think of,




the most beautiful name

in the wide world.




I hadn't heard from Jenny in a long

while, but I thought about her a lot.




I hoped whatever she was doing

made her happy.




I thought about Jenny all the time.




Lieutenant Dan,

what are you doing here?




Well, thought I'd try out

my sea legs.




Well, you ain't got no legs,

Lieutenant Dan.




Yes, I know that.

You wrote me a letter, you idiot.




Well, well. Captain Forrest Gump.

I had to see this for myself.




And I told you if you were

ever a shrimp boat captain,




that I'd be your first mate.

Well, here I am.




- I'm a man of my word.

- OK.




But don't you be thinking that

I'm going to be calling you "Sir."




No, sir.




That's my boat.




I have a feeling if we head due east,




we'll find some shrimp.

So take a left.




- Take a left!

- Which way?




Over there! They're over there!




- Get on the wheel and take a left.

- OK.




Gump, what are you doing?

Take a left! Left!




That's where we're going

to find those shrimp, my boy!




That's where we'll find them.




- Still no shrimp, Lieutenant Dan.

- OK, so I was wrong.




How are we going to find them?




Maybe you should

just pray for shrimp.




So I went to church every Sunday.




Sometimes Lieutenant Dan came too,

though he left the praying up to me.




- No shrimp.

- Where the hell's this God of yours?




It's funny Lieutenant Dan said that,

'cause right then God showed up.




You'll never sink this boat!




Now, me, I was scared,

but Lieutenant Dan, he was mad.




Come on!




You call this a storm?

Come on, you son of a bitch!




It's time for a showdown! You and me!

I'm right here! Come and get me!




You'll never sink this boat!




Hurricane Carmen

came through here yesterday,




destroying nearly everything

in its path.




And as in other towns

up and down the coast,




Bayou La Batre's

entire shrimping industry




has fallen victim to Carmen

and has been left in utter ruin.




This reporter has learned,




in fact, only one shrimping boat

actually survived the storm.




Louise. Louise, there's Forrest.




After that, shrimping was easy.




Since people still needed

them shrimps for shrimp cocktails




and barbecues and all, and we were

the only boat left standing,




Bubba-Gump shrimp's what they got.

We got a whole bunch of boats.




Twelve Jennys, big old warehouse.




We even have hats

that say "Bubba-Gump" on them.




Bubba-Gump Shrimp. A household name.




Hold on there, boy.




Are you telling me you're the owner

of the Bubba-Gump Shrimp Corporation?




Yes. We got more money

than Davy Crockett.




Boy, I heard some whoppers

in my time, but that tops them all.




We were sitting

next to a millionaire.




Well, I thought it was

a very lovely story,




and you tell it so well,

with such enthusiasm.




Would you like to see

what Lieutenant Dan looks like?




Yes, I would.




That's him right there.




Let me tell you something

about Lieutenant Dan.




I never thanked you

for saving my life.




He never actually said so, but

I think he made his peace with God.




For the second time in days,




President Ford escaped

possible assassination today.




- Base to Jenny . Base to Jenny .

- Jenny . Go, Margo.




Forrest has a phone call.




Well, you'll have to tell them

to call him back.




- He is indisposed at the moment.

- His mama's sick.




- Where's Mama?

- She's upstairs.




Hi, Forrest.




- I'll see you tomorrow.

- All right.




Sure got you straightened out,

didn't we, boy?




- What's the matter, Mama?

- I'm dying, Forrest.




Come on in, sit down over here.




- Why are you dying, Mama?

- It's my time. It's just my time.




Now, don't you be afraid, sweetheart.




Death is just a part of life.

Something we're all destined to do.




I didn't know it,

but I was destined to be your mama.




- I did the best I could.

- You did good.




Well, I happen to believe

you make your own destiny.




You have to do the best

with what God gave you.




What's my destiny, Mama?




You're going to have

to figure that out for yourself.




Life is a box of chocolates, Forrest.




You never know

what you're going to get.




Mama always had a way of explaining

things so I could understand them.




I will miss you, Forrest.




She had got the cancer

and died on a Tuesday.




I bought her a new hat

with little flowers on it.




And that's all

I have to say about that.




Didn't you say you were waiting

for the number seven bus?




There'll be another one

along shortly.




Now, because I had been

a football star and war hero




and national celebrity

and a shrimping boat captain




and a college graduate, the city

fathers of Greenbow, Alabama,




decided to get together

and offered me a fine job.




So I never went back

to work for Lieutenant Dan,




though he did take care

of my Bubba-Gump money.




He got me invested

in some kind of fruit company.




I got a call from him saying we don't

have to worry about money no more,




and I said,

"That's good. One less thing."




Now Mama said there's only

so much fortune a man really needs,




and the rest is just for showing off.




So I gave a whole bunch of it

to the Foursquare Gospel Church.




And I gave a whole bunch to the

Bayou La Batre fishing hospital.




And even though Bubba was dead

and Lieutenant Dan said I was nuts,




I gave Bubba's mama Bubba's share.




You know what?




She didn't have to work

in nobody's kitchen no more.




That smells wonderful.




And 'cause I was a gozillionaire

and I liked doing it so much,




I cut that grass for free.




But at night-time

when there was nothing to do




and the house was all empty,

I'd always think of Jenny.




And then, she was there.




- Hello, Forrest.

- Hello, Jenny.




Jenny came back and stayed with me.




Maybe it was because

she had nowhere else to go,




or maybe it was because she was

so tired, 'cause she went to bed




and slept and slept,

like she hadn't slept in years.




It was wonderful having her home.




Every day we'd take a walk, and I'd

jabber on like a monkey in a tree,




and she'd listen about

ping-ponging and shrimping




and Mama making a trip up to heaven.

I did all the talking.




Jenny most of the time

was real quiet.




How could you do this?




Sometimes I guess there

just aren't enough rocks.




I never really knew

why she came back, but I didn't care.




It was like olden times.

We was like peas and carrots again.




Every day, I'd pick pretty flowers

and put them in her room for her,




and she gave me the best gift anyone

could ever get in the wide world.




They're just for running.




And she even showed me how to dance.




Well, we was like family,

Jenny and me...




and it was the happiest time

in my life.




You done watching it?

I'm going to bed.




Will you marry me?




I'd make a good husband, Jenny.




You would, Forrest.




But you won't marry me.




You don't want to marry me.




Why don't you love me, Jenny?




I'm not a smart man,

but I know what love is.




Forrest, I do love you.




- Where are you running off to?

- I'm not running.




That day, for no particular reason,

I decided to go for a little run.




So I ran to the end of the road,

and when I got there




I thought maybe I'd run

to the end of town.




President Carter,

suffering from heat exhaustion...




And when I got there,




I thought maybe I'd just

run across Greenbow County.




Now, thinking since I'd run this far,




maybe I'd just run across

the great state of Alabama.




And that's what I did.

I ran clear across Alabama.




No particular reason.

I just kept on going.




I ran clear to the ocean.




And when I got there,

I figured since I'd gone this far,




might as well turn around,

just keep on going.




And when I got to another ocean,

I figured since I'd gone this far,




I might as well just turn back

and keep right on going.




When I got tired, I slept.

When I got hungry, I ate.




When I had to go...

you know... I went.




- And so, you just ran.

- Yeah.




I'd think a lot about Mama

and Bubba and Lieutenant Dan.




But most of all, I thought about

Jenny. I thought about her a lot.




For more than two years,

a man named Forrest Gump,




a gardener from Greenbow, Alabama,

stopping only to sleep,




has been running across America.

Charles Cooper reports.




For the fourth time

on his journey across America,




Forrest Gump the gardener will cross

the Mississippi River again today.




- I'll be damned. Forrest?

- Why are you running?




- Are you doing this for world peace?

- For the homeless?




- Are you running for women's rights?

- The environment?




They couldn't believe somebody would

do all that running for no reason.




- Why are you doing this?

- I just felt like running.




I just felt like runnin'.




It's you.

I can't believe it's really you.




For some reason, what I was doing

seemed to make sense to people.




It was like an alarm

went off in my head.




I said, "Here's a guy

that's got his act together.




"Here's somebody who has the answer."

I'll follow you anywhere, Mr Gump.




So I got company.




And after that, I got more company.

And then, even more people joined in.




Somebody later told me

it gave people hope.




I don't know anything about that,




but some of those people asked me

if I could help them out.




I was wondering if you might help me.

I'm in the bumper sticker business.




I need a good slogan, and since

you've been so inspirational,




I thought

you might be able to help me...




Whoa, man! You just ran

through a big pile of dog shit!




- It happens.

- What, shit?




Sometimes.




And some years later, I heard

that that fella did come up




with a bumper sticker slogan

and made a lot of money off of it.




Another time, I was running along,




somebody who'd lost all his money

in the t-shirt business,




he wanted to put my face

on a t-shirt,




but he couldn't draw that well,

and he didn't have a camera.




Here, use this one.

Nobody likes that colour anyway.




Have a nice day.




Some years later,

I found out that that man did come up




with an idea for a t-shirt.

He made a lot of money.




Anyway, like I was saying,

I had a lot of company.




Mama always said, "Put the past

behind you before you can move on."




And I think

that's what my running was all about.




I had run for three years,

two months, days and hours.




Quiet. Quiet.

He's going to say something.




I'm pretty tired.




Think I'll go home now.




Now what are we supposed to do?




And just like that,

my runnin' days was over.




So I went home to Alabama.




Moments ago, at . p.m., as

President Reagan was leaving the...




...five or six gunshots were fired

by an unknown would-be assassin.




The President was shot

in the chest...




I picked up the mail.




And one day, out of the blue clear

sky, I got a letter from Jenny




wondering if I could come down

to Savannah and see her,




and that's what I'm doing here.




She saw me on TV, running.




I'm supposed to go on the number nine

bus to Richmond Street




and get off and go one block left

to Henry Street, apartment .




Why, you don't need to take a bus.




Henry Street is just five

or six blocks down that way.




- Down that way?

- Down that way.




It was nice talking to you.




I hope everything works out for you!




- How you doin'? Come in! Come in!

- I got your letter.




- I was wondering about that.

- This your house?




Yeah. It's messy right now.

I just got off work.




It's nice. You got air conditioning.




- Thank you.

- I ate some.




I kept a scrapbook of your clippings,

and everything. There you are.




And this, I got you running.




I ran a long way. It's a long time.




And there...




Listen, Forrest,

I don't know how to say this.




I just I want to apologise

for anything that I ever did to you




'cause I was messed up

for a long time, and...




- Hi.

- Hey, you.




- This is an old friend from Alabama.

- How do you do?




Next week my schedule changes,

so I can...




No problem. Got to go.

I'm double-parked.




OK. Thanks.




This is my very good friend Mr Gump.

Can you say hi?




- Hello, Mr Gump.

- Hello.




- Can I go watch TV now?

- Yes. Just keep it low.




- You're a mama, Jenny.

- I'm a mama.




- His name's Forrest.

- Like me!




- I named him after his daddy.

- He got a daddy named Forrest, too?




You're his daddy, Forrest.




Forrest, look at me.

Look at me, Forrest.




There's nothing you need to do.

You didn't do anything wrong. OK?




Isn't he beautiful?




He's the most beautiful thing

I've ever seen.




But...




Is he smart? Can he...




He's very smart. He's one

of the smartest in his class.




Yeah, it's OK. Go talk to him.




- What are you watching?

- Bert and Ernie.




Forrest, I'm sick.




What, do you have

a cough due to a cold?




I have some virus, and the doctors,

they don't know what it is,




and there isn't

anything they can do about it.




You could come home with me.




You and little Forrest could

come stay at my house in Greenbow.




I'll take care of you if you're sick.




Would you marry me, Forrest?




OK.




Please take your seats.




Forrest? It's time to start.




Hi. Your tie.




Lieutenant Dan.




- Lieutenant Dan.

- Hello, Forrest.




You got new legs. New legs!




Yeah. I got new legs. Custom-made.




Titanium alloy. It's what they use

on the space shuttle.




Magic legs.




This is my fiancée, Susan.




- Lieutenant Dan.

- Hi, Forrest.




- Lieutenant Dan, this is my Jenny.

- Hi. It's nice to meet you finally.




Do you, Forrest, take Jenny

to be your wife?




Do you, Jenny,

take Forrest to be your husband?




And so I pronounce you man and wife.




- Hey.

- Hi.




Were you scared in Vietnam?




Yes. Well, I don't know.




Sometimes it would stop raining long

enough for the stars to come out.




And then it was nice.




It was like just before the sun

goes to bed down on the bayou.




There was always

a million sparkles on the water.




Like that mountain lake.

It was so clear, Jenny,




it looked like there were two skies

one on top of the other.




And then in the desert,

when the sun comes up,




I couldn't tell where heaven stopped

and the earth began.




It was so beautiful.




I wish I could've been there

with you.




You were.




I love you.




You died on a Saturday morning.




And I had you placed

here under our tree.




And I had that house of your father's

bulldozed to the ground.




Mama always said

that dyin' was a part of life.




I sure wish it wasn't.




Little Forrest is doing just fine.




About to start school again soon,




and I make his breakfast,

lunch, and dinner every day.




I make sure he combs his hair

and brushes his teeth every day.




Teaching him how to play ping-pong.

He's really good.




Forrest, you go.




We fish a lot.




And every night, we read a book.

He's so smart, Jenny.




You'd be so proud of him. I am.




He wrote you a letter.




And he says I can't read it.




I'm not supposed to,

so I'll just leave it here for you.




I don't know if mama was right

or if it's Lieutenant Dan.




I don't know if

we each have a destiny,




or if we're all just floating around

accidental-like on a breeze.




But I think maybe it's both.




Maybe both is happening

at the same time.




But I miss you, Jenny.




If there's anything you need,

I won't be far away.




Here's your bus. OK.




I know this.




I'm gonna share that for

show-and-tell




because Grandma

used to read it to you.




My favourite book.




Here you go.




Don't...




- I want to tell you I love you.

- I love you, too, Daddy.




I'll be right here when you get back.




You understand this is

the bus to school, don't you?




Of course, and you're Dorothy Harris,

and I'm Forrest Gump.


anal paradice

Just packed up a real money load, and it's coming your way. Look for "Rodgers" on the truck's side. Don't forget my share of the deal. Shit! - Tuna on white, no crust, right? - I don't know. How is it? Every day, for the last three weeks, you've come here, asking how the tuna is. Now, it was crappy yesterday. It was crappy the day before. And guess what? It hasn't changed. - I'll have the tuna. - No crust? No crust. Thank you. Talk to me, Jesse. This ain't working, brother. It's your fuel map. It's got a nasty hole. - That's why you're unloading in third. - Told you. I lengthen the injector pulse a millisecond. Just tune the NOS timer, you'll run nines. What's up with this fool? Is he sandwich-crazy? - No. He ain't here for the food, dog. - Chill out. He's slinging parts for Harry. - I know what he's slinging. - He's trying to get in Mia's pants, dog. - What's up, guys? - How you doing, Mia? - How you living, girl? - Hey! Hey, Dom. You want something to drink? - He's beautiful. - I like his haircut. Vince! - What? - Can I get you anything? You look good. - Thanks a lot, Mia. See you tomorrow. - Sure. - Tomorrow? - I love this part. Try Fatburger from now on. Get yourself a Double Cheese with fries for $2.95, faggot. - I like the tuna here. - Bullshit. No one likes the tuna here. Yeah, well, I do. Jesus Christ, Dom! Would you get out there? I'm sick of this shit. I'm not kidding, Dom. Get out there! - What did you put in that sandwich? - That's funny. - Dom! - All right. - Hey, man. He was in my face. - I'm in your face. Relax! Don't push it! You embarrass me! Get over there! Jesse, give me the wallet. "Brian Earl Spilner." Sounds like a serial killer name. - Is that what you are? - No, man. Don't come around here again. Hey, man. This is bullshit. - You work for Harry, right? - Yeah. I just started. You were just fired. Hey, Dominic. I appreciate what you did, in a big way. Dominic, I owe you. Brian, you're messing with my business. When Dominic drives, he's golden. Kids pour in. They want everything he has. Every performance part. They pay cash! - What did Dominic say? - You don't want to know. - What did Dominic say? - He wants you out of here. - He wants me out of here? - Yes. - And what did you say to Dom? - What do you think I said? I told him, "Good help is hard to find." Relax. I need NOS. - I need NOS. - No. My car topped out at 140 miles per hour, this morning. Amateurs don't use nitrous oxide. I've seen how you drive. You've a heavy foot. - You'll blow yourself to pieces. - I need one of these. One of the big ones. Actually, let's make it two. And, Harry, I need it by tonight. Hold up, hold up. Look at this snowman right here, man. Sweet ride. What you running under there, man? - Going to make me find out the hard way? - Hell, yeah. You brave. You brave. They call me Hector. I got a last name, too, but I can't pronounce it. - Brian Spilner. - Typical white-boy name. Know what I'm saying? See that over there? That's mine. My baby. I ain't cutting her loose tonight. - Why not? - I'm going legit, homey. Trying to get on the NIRA circuit. Heard about that? - Hell, yeah. - So, what's up with you, man? - I'm just waiting for Toretto. - Shit. Better get in line. This yours? - I'm standing next to it. - That's funny. You know, Edwin happens to know a few things. And one of the things Edwin knows is: It's not how you stand by your car... ...it's how you race your car. You better learn that. Oh, shit. Here they come. It's on. - Dom. - Marvin. - Hey, Dom. How you doing? - Hey, Camille. You been doing yoga? You did? Of course you did. Monica. I smell skanks. Why don't you girls pack it up, before I leave tread marks on your face? Okay. - Letty, I was just talking. - Yeah. Whatever. - Okay, Hector. - Yeah? What's up, man? - Yo. What's up? - Edwin. - How we doing this tonight? - One race. $2,000 buy-in. Winner takes all. Hector, you're going to hold the cash. - Why Hector? - Too slow to make away with the money. - Okay. Good luck, guys. - Hey, wait. Hold up. I don't have any cash. But I do have the pink slip to my car. You just can't climb in the ring with Ali, 'cause you think you box. He knows I can box. Check it out. It's like this. I lose, the winner takes my car. Clean and clear. But if I win, I take the cash, and I take the respect. Respect. To some people, that's more important. That your car? I see a cool air intake. It's got a NOS fogger system and a T4 turbo, Dominic. I see an AIC controller. It has direct port nitrous injection. Yeah. And a stand-alone fuel management system. Not a bad way to spend $10,000. You see that shit? He's got enough NOS in there to blow himself up. Period. - So, what do you say? Am I worthy? - We don't know yet. But you're in. Let's go. - All right. - Let's go! - What the hell is going on around here? - Street's closed, pizza boy. - Find another way home. - Goddamn street racers. Log on, 22. Code 3. Tension is high. They've blocked the street. Edwin. This is yours, whether you win or lose. But if you win, you get her, too. You're going to win. I'm going to win. We had a reported homicide. I've got a 187 in Glendale. Cops are all over it. We're good to roll. - All right. - Let's race! Right. Go! Hell, yeah! Damn, that guy's fast. Let's go! Mnage! No! Monica! Shut up! Well done, baby! Come on. Come on. Back up. Here's what you won, right here. There you go. You were racing a bunch of skateboards. Know what I mean? My sister holds the money. Count it. And you're my trophy. - Hey, Monica. What's up, baby? - What's your problem? You didn't win. Fuck you then! Was that fun? Got a problem there, buddy? - What are you smiling about? - Dude. I almost had you. You almost had me? You never had me. You never had your car. Granny-shifting. Not double-clutching, like you should. You're lucky that 100-shot of NOS didn't blow the welds on the intake. - Almost had me? - You tell him, Dominic. Get out of here. Now, me and the mad scientist got to rip apart the block... ...and replace the piston rings you fried. Ask any racer. Any real racer. It don't matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning's winning. Yeah! All available units, we have street-racing along Hawthorne... Oh, shit! We got cops. Cops! Go! Cops! Get in the car! Go! Toretto, stop right there! Toretto! Get in! You're the last person in the world I expected to show up. I thought if I got in your good graces, you might let me keep my car. You are in my good graces, but you ain't keeping your car. You drive like you've done this before. Are you a wheelman? - No. - You boost cars? - No. Never. - Ever done time? Couple of overnighters. No big deal. What about the two years in juvie for boosting cars? Tucson, right? I had Jesse run a profile on you, Brian Earl Spilner. He'll find anything on the Web. Anything about anybody. So, why bullshit? So, what about you? Two years in Lompoc. I'll die before I go back. - Oh, great. - What? It's going to be a long-ass night. That's what. Follow us. I thought we had an agreement. You stay away. I stay away. Everybody stays happy. We got lost. What do you want me to tell you? - Who's "we"? - My new mechanic. Brian, meet Johnny Tran. The guy in the snakeskin pants. That's his cousin. Lance. So, when are you going to give me a shot at that Honda 2000 of yours? - This your ride? - It was. It's his now. No, it's not. I haven't taken delivery. Then, it's nobody's car. But somebody put in the wrench time. - What do you think, Lance? - It's an amazing machine. Yes, indeed. Let's go. I'll see you in the desert next month. Be ready to have your ass handed to you. - You'll need more than that crotch rocket. - I got something for you. - What the hell was that all about? - Long story. I'll tell you later. Let's get out of here. NOS! - So, what the hell was that all about? - It's a long story. Well, we got a 20-mile hike. Humor me. A business deal that went sour. Plus, I made the mistake of sleeping with his sister. Take care. Yo, Spilner. - You want a beer? - Yeah, sure. Oh, shit. We were all there, right? Falling behind. - With all that nitrous. - Yeah. Yo, Dom. We were just about to go looking for you, brother. Where were you? There were mass cops there. They came in from every direction. It was orchestrated. - This your beer? - Yeah, that's my beer. Yo, Einstein. Take it upstairs. You can't detail a car with the cover on. - Can't even get that right. - You all right? - Am I all right? - It was just a question. Yo, Dom. - Why did you bring the buster here? - 'Cause he kept me out of handcuffs! He didn't just run back to the fort! The buster brought me back. You can have any brew you want, as long as it's a Corona. - Thanks, man. - That's Vince's. So, enjoy it. You. - Hey, bro. You got a bathroom? - Upstairs. First door on the right. He's got no call being up in here. You don't know that fool for shit. - He's right, Dom. - There was a time when I didn't know you. That was in the third grade! - Yeah. So, what girls are here? - You name it. You want mine? - You need to shut the... - You want two? - You don't have anything? - You look a bit tired. I think you should go upstairs and give me a massage. - Look at all our guests. - How about you give me a massage? Crazy lady. You know you owe me a 10-second car, right? Oh, shit. Did you wipe the seat? Jesus Christ! Would you cut this shit? Come on! - Come on. Let's go get me a drink. - We were just about to get along. - So, what do you want? - Anything, as long as it's cold. You know, my brother likes you. He usually doesn't like anybody. - He's a complicated guy. - Yeah? What about you? - I'm simpler. - You're a shitty liar. Well, I'll take that as a compliment. - But there's a problem. - What's that? You need to get some sleep. And you definitely, definitely need a shower. Come on. I'll take you home. Show me your hands. Very good. Now open the door. Put your hands on your head. Behind your head. Face the front of the vehicle, walk backwards towards the rear. Take two steps to your right. Stop right there. - What did I do? - Shut up. He's clean, Sarge. Damn! Muse, will you take these things off? - Shit. You put them on so tight. - I like realism. You never know who's watching, Brian. Nice crib, Sergeant. It's a lot nicer than the last place you confiscated. Ain't it? Eddie Fisher built this house for Elizabeth Taylor in the '50s. You see, even the cops are Hollywood in Hollywood. Okay, here he is, fresh from Toretto's hot rod heaven. That was an $80,000 vehicle, Officer. - You told him what happened? - He knows. - Send the bill to Johnny Tran. - The kid's giving me attitude? It doesn't speak well for police/FBI relations, Tanner. - I walk in the door and the guy's already-- - All right, all right. We'll talk, okay? Let's talk about it. Muse, why don't you make us four iced cappuccinos, please? - Come on. - Regular or decaf, Sarge? Decaf, I think. Four hijackings in two months, and we have nothing. The DVD players and digital cameras are worth $1.2 million... ...which brings the grand total to $6 million plus. We're in the political crosshairs now, Brian. That's why you're undercover. You want that detective badge fast, kid. And you want to know something? The FBI can help, if you come through for us. What does the truckdriver say? He gave us the same M.O.: Three Honda Civics, precision driving... ...the same green neon glow from under the chassis. Lab says the skidmarks came back the same: Mashamoto ZX tires. So, we know it's somebody in the street-racing world. If we don't make this case, the truckers will take matters into their own hands. I tell them we're close. Are you going to make me a liar? Look, what do we know? We know this world revolves around Toretto, right? I'm not saying that he's the one that's popping these trucks... ...but I can guarantee he knows who is. It's just a matter of time until I win-- You want time, buy the magazine. We don't have time. Just get me something I can use. Is Harry cooperating? Like a guy that'll do time for receiving stolen property if he doesn't. What kind of vibe is he getting from Toretto? He's scared of him, but he doesn't think he's jacking trucks. - He's too controlled for that. - Wait. Not that I want to contradict Harry's fine judge of character... ...but Toretto did hard time for nearly beating a guy to death. He's got nitrous oxide in his blood and a gas tank for a brain. Do not turn your back on him. Tanner, I'm gonna need another car. - What about parts and service? - Hold off on it. Dom, I don't know what to do with it. All right, what the hell is this? What do you got there? - This is your car. - My car? I said a 10-second car, not a 10-minute car. You could push this across the finish line, or tow it. You couldn't even tow that across the finish line. No faith. I have faith in you, but this isn't a junkyard. - This is a garage. - Pop the hood. - Pop the hood? - Pop the hood. -2JZ engine. No shit. - And what did I tell you? - I retract my previous statement. - You know what? This will decimate all after you put about $15,000 in it. Or more, if we have to overnight parts from Japan. - We'll put it on my tab at Harry's. - Yes! I gotta get you racing again so I can make some money off your ass. There's a show down in the desert called Race Wars. That's where you'll do it. When you're not working at Harry's, you're working here. If you can't find the right tool in this garage, Mr. Arizona... ...you don't belong near a car. He owns you now. Tell me what you think about this. Koni adjustables. Gonna save us about 2 pounds. And they're gonna give us better traction for the hole shot. All right? This is your basic layout of the car. And that's pretty much what it could look like when it's finished. Red, green. - You should be going to MIT or something. - Yeah, right. No, I got that... What's it called? That attention disorder-- - ADD? - Yes, that shit. Yeah. You know, I was good in algebra and like math and shit. Everything else I failed. Dropped out of school. I don't know. It's just something about engines... ...that calms me down, you know. - I'm outta here. - Come on, dog. - Yo, Dom. - Vince, get over here and give us a hand. Looks like you got all the help you need, brother. - Mia! The chicken's dry. - All right. I'm coming out already. Here you go. Hey, hold up. Because you were the first to reach in to get the chicken, you say grace. - Dear heavenly... - Spirit. Spirit. Thank you. Thank you for providing us with a direct port nitrous injection... ...four core intercoolers and ball-bearing turbos... ...and titanium valve springs. - Thank you. - Amen. - Not bad. - Amen. He was praying to the car gods, man. He's not the best. - What do you want? - Practice. Thank you, girl. Look who it is. "Old Coyotes 'R' Us." I thought you weren't hungry, pumpkin. - You know, I gotta eat. - He's always hungry. All right, sit down. How you doing, Mia? Here you go. - Jesse, hand me that chicken. - Let's eat some grub, man. - Want some of that chicken? - What, you rent a movie or something? Need a hand with anything else? No, I'm good. You can go join the boys and watch the movie. - The cook doesn't clean where I come from. - I'd like to go there. - I think we should go out sometime. - No, I don't date my brother's friends. That sucks. - I'll have to kick his ass then. - I'd love to see that one. I would pay to see that one, actually. Wash my car when you get done. - What was that? - No, Mia. I'm talking to the punk. Wear your favorite dress, 'cause when you're done... ...I'm putting you on the street where you belong, cutie. Is this thing broken? What's wrong with this thing? What was that Cuban restaurant you wanted to take me to? The one with the picadillo and-- - With red candles, wooden tables-- - The plantain, food all over the place. - What it's called? - Cha Cha Cha. - Yeah, that's it. - Yeah. Well, you can take me there. Friday night at 10:00. Is that good for you? - Yeah, it's perfect. - Good. - There's no popcorn. - Make your own goddamn popcorn! All right. Now that's valet parking. - Harry. What's up, dog? - Nice to see you. Excellent. Come on in, man. - Check it. It's yours. - Damn. What do we got here? - Hired some new help? - Don't even think about it. - What's up? - What's up, Brian? How you feeling? - Pretty good. What do you need? - What's up, man? I need you to hook me up. Three of everything. I made a list. Why don't you look that over? - When do you need this stuff by? - Tomorrow, today, now. - Right. - White boys work fast, don't they? That's right. - You said you need three of each? - Yeah, three of everything. What do you think about that? Check this out. He moans like a cop. Brian, this is one of those times you need to be clear about what you say. Nod if you understand me. Nod! Sit up. Tell me what the hell you're doing down here. Shit. What I'm doing? Dom. I owe you a 10-second car. And what this is about, this is about Race Wars. I just went in there, and Hector is gonna be running... ...three Honda Civics with Spoon engines. And on top of that, he just came into Harry's... ...and he ordered three T66 turbos, with NOS... ...and a MoTeC system exhaust. So, what are you saying? You're gonna check everybody's shit out, one garage after another? Yeah. Because, Dom, you know I can't lose again. He's a cop. He's a cop! You a cop? Let's go for a little ride. Walk! Okay. You stand watch. Yo, Dominic. There's no engines. What are they planning on racing with, hopes and dreams? I don't know, but they're sneaky as shit... ...and they've got enough money to buy anything. What? We got a wolf pack. It's Johnny Tran, and he's coming your way really fast. All right, we got company. Spilner. Come on. Move! Let me ask you a question, Ted. - Do you see anything wrong here? - No. - We got no engines, do we? - No. - Do we? - No. - Do we? - No. A couple of Nissan SR20 motors will pull a premium... - ...one week before Race Wars, huh? - Yeah, probably. You're a smart fence, Ted. Maybe too smart. What are you feeling, Lance? A 40-weight sounds nice. Where are they, Ted? - Where are they? - Enough! - Where are they? - They're in a warehouse. They're in a warehouse, man! Ted. Kiss my shoes? Let's go get our engines. My superiors are flying in from D.C., in two days. I want something to show. We've got a fence with a lube hose in his mouth... ...automatic weapons, priors on every one of these Asian punks... ...a garage full of DVD players and generally psychotic behavior. Tell me why we shouldn't move on Tran now and figure it out later? Because all we have is behavior. Let me get hard evidence, because what we have now is just-- What we have is probable cause. And truckers arming themselves for some good old-fashioned vigilante mayhem. - Tell us about Hector, Brian. - Latinos with spear guns. Give me a break. Hector's still working on the engines, but the tires don't match. Will somebody give me a cigarette? - Get him a cigarette. - Don't give him one. - I thought you quit. - I did. Just give me one. - Get him a cigarette. - No! Tell me about Toretto. I told you, I think he's too controlled for this. Going suicidal on semi-trucks? No way. Maybe Vince. But he's too dumb to do it. - I think the kid sister's blurring your vision. - What did you say? I don't blame you. I'd get off on her surveillance photos, too. Knock it off! What? Are you going native on me, Brian? Have you read Toretto's file lately? - Yeah. I memorized that file. - Read it again. No, better still, take a look at these. Remember I told you about the guy he nearly beat to death? Toretto did this with a three-quarter-inch torque wrench. He's a model of self-control. I need a few more days. I need a few more days. Got a TR7 here, with a ball-bearing upgrade. What it's going to do is, it's going to spool up really quick. - I got this set up for 24 psi. - Got it. You got big plans tonight? Yeah. We're going out to dinner. You break her heart, I'll break your neck. That's not gonna happen. I want to show you something. Me and my dad built her. Nine hundred horses of Detroit muscle. It's a beast. - You know what she ran in Palmdale? - No. What? Nine seconds flat. - God. - My dad was driving. So much torque, the chassis twisted coming off the line. Barely kept her on the track. - So, what's your best time? - I've never driven her. Why not? It scares the shit out of me. That's my dad. He was coming up in the pro stock-car circuit. Last race of the season. A guy named Kenny Linder came up from inside, in the final turn. He clipped his bumper and put him into the wall at 120. I watched my dad burn to death. I remembered hearing him scream. But the people that were there said he had died before the tanks blew. They said it was me who was screaming. I saw Linder about a week later. I had a wrench, and I hit him. And I didn't intend to keep hitting him, but when I finished, I couldn't lift my arm. He's a janitor at a high school. He has to take the bus to work every day. And they banned me from the tracks for life. I live my life a quarter-mile at a time. Nothing else matters. Not the mortgage, not the store... ...not my team and all their bullshit. For those 10 seconds or less... ...I'm free. So, how is it, anyways, that the gang came to be? - What? - The gang. The gang? No, they don't call themselves a gang. - What do they call themselves? - They're a team. - They call themselves a team. - All right. How did the team come to be? Well, that's a whole lot of history. - I've got time. - Okay. Vince grew up with my brother. Actually, he didn't ever actually grow up, as you can tell. But they were friends as kids. And Letty, she just lived down the street. Always into cars, though. Ever since she was, like, 10 years old. So, naturally, you know, my brother always had her attention. - And then she turned 16-- - And then she had Dom's attention. Yeah. It's funny how that works, isn't it? Yeah. How does Jesse fit into the whole thing? Jesse. Well, Jesse and Leon just sort of showed up one night and never, ever left. It's just the way my brother is, you know. Dom's like... He's like gravity. Everything just gets pulled to him. Even you. No. No. The only thing that pulled me in was you. Being friends with your brother is just a bonus. That's good. That's good. It's nice to come first every once in a while. Want to go for a drive? - Yeah? - The hijackers have hit again. Bilkins has decided that we're gonna move on Johnny Tran and his guys at 17:00. Unless you say otherwise. If you agree, just say yes. - Yeah. - Who is that? It's just a wrong number. Yes, sir. Yeah, I know, but-- Yeah. Yes, sir. Yeah. I got it. The DVD players were purchased legally. All we've got are a couple of low-rent weapons charges... ...and some outstanding speeding tickets. - So, they're out. - Yeah. Father bailed them out. Is this the kind of intelligence I can expect from you, O'Conner? - You're gonna put this on me? - I can put it on whoever I want to. - Perks of the job. - No, you can't put this on me-- No, wait a minute. Let me tell you. I don't care if you have to aim at someone and blow your cover to smithereens. You've got 36 hours to crack this bastard... ...or you might want to think about another career. It's Toretto, Brian. It always has been Toretto. Tran and Hector are... They're just fumes. I know you've been lying to me. My question is this: Have you been lying to yourself because you can't see past Mia? He won't go back to prison. Well, that's a choice he's going to have to make. There's all kinds of family, Brian. And that's a choice you're gonna have to make. You ready for this? Nice car. What's the retail on one of those? More than you can afford, pal. Ferrari. Smoke him. So, what's wrong, Brian? Nothing, man, I'm fine. Come on. Obviously something's off. Look, I have my good days and bad days just like anybody else. Brian, don't lose that cool of yours. That's your meal ticket. My meal ticket? I can't pay for my own shrimp? I got the shrimp. No, that's one thing about me you don't understand. I don't take handouts. I earn my way, every step. I need something extra on the side, like you. What do you mean, like me? - What's that supposed to mean? - That's what I mean. - What does that mean, like me? - Don't try-- I'm not stupid, all right? I know that there's no way you paid for all that shit you got under the hood-- There's no way you paid for what's under the hood of those cars... ...by doing tune-ups and selling groceries. Whatever it is you're in on, I want in on it, too. - Well, what is this? - Read it. - What is this for? - It's directions. To Race Wars. We'll see how you go. Then we'll talk. - How's it going? - What's up? - Welcome to Race Wars. - Great. Thanks a lot. Baby. Hey, baby. You should watch from the side. I wouldn't want to get exhaust on that pretty face. - Put your money where your mouth is. - I'll race you for that sweet little ass. You want ass, why don't you hit Hollywood Boulevard? You want an adrenaline rush, it'll be two large. Right here. Right now. What's it gonna be? You got it. "Another one bites the dust" Come on. What you got? See ya. - What's up? - Hey, what's up, Jesse? What's in your hand? Throwing down the pink slip, just like you. - The pink slip to what? The Jetta? - Yeah. - You can't bet your dad's car. - It's all right. I ain't losing. This fool is running a Honda 2000. I'll win. That way, me and my dad can roll when he gets out of prison. It's all good. They're gonna throw him right back in prison after he kills you. You visualize the win. Visualize the win, Jesse. I'm serious. You got to listen to me, man. Who are you racing? Jesse, don't do it. I bet you he's got more than $100,000 under the hood of that car. Too soon, junior. No! Shit! Oh, God! Yo! Heads up, bro. We got problems. - What? - Jesse. Where's Jesse going? - He just raced Tran for slips. - Oh, shit. - Where's he going? - He went to the car wash. Whatever. Go fetch my car. Go fetch your car? We're not on your block. You better watch who you talk to like that. Toretto! SWAT came into my house... ...disrespected my whole family, because somebody narked me out. And you know what? It was you! Get off of him, man. Dom, chill out, man. Come on! I never narked on nobody! I never narked on nobody! Mia. I have respected you and I haven't said shit. Now I am asking you not to go. - I'm doing this for both of us. - Don't give me that crap. You're doing this for you. Why are you insisting on doing this? Dom, please, just don't. - Mia, what's going on? - What? - You know what I'm talking about. - No, I don't. You always have tears in your eyes when Dom drives away? What's the matter with you? What's he racing off in the middle of the night for? - You know about the trucks? - No, Brian! What trucks? - Jesus Christ. What? - Listen to me. Mia, I'm a cop. What are you talking about, Brian? What is this? Ever since the first time I met you, I've been undercover. I'm a cop. Oh, you bastard. You bastard. - Mia. - Get off of me, Brian! Mia! Listen to me! Everything I ever said I felt about you was real. I swear to God. You have to believe me, Mia. But this isn't about you and me. Your brother's out there to pull a job. We're running out of time. Those truckers aren't laying down anymore. Maybe they'll make it through tonight, but every law enforcement agency... ...is coming down on them. If you don't want anything to happen to them... ...you have to get in that car with me right now and help me. Mia, you are the only person that can help me right now. Please, Mia. Please help me. Civics are stashed somewhere outside of Thermal. They wouldn't double back, and Highway 10 is too well patrolled. - So, what does that leave us with? - All this. - Nextel. - This is Officer Brian O'Conner. Serial number 34762. I need a cell phone trace. - Okay. What's the cell number? - Mia, what is it? Come on, Mia. She needs Dom's cell phone number now. Thank you. Yeah, you get that? All right, we're one man short. Letty, I need you on the left side. Your sister's right about this one. This don't feel good. - Don't do that. - Something's wrong. - Stop. - We shouldn't be doing this without Jesse. This is the mother lode. We've been on this for three months. After this, it's a long vacation for everyone. - Let's go. - I hope so. Listen, the other night I had a dream... ...that you and I were on the beach in Mexico. - Really? - Really. Come on. Let's make this happen. - Leon, keep on those scanners. - Copy that. All right, let's go. Okay, we traced the number to the northbound 86. Mile 114, outside Coachella. We'll keep the trace open, Officer. Let me see this. I think we're about 40 miles away. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? Okay! Go time! We're all good. I got nothing on the scanners. Keep going. Vince! Vince, don't! Get back in! Vince! He's got a damn shotgun! Leon! Back off! Get him off of there! Oh, shit! Get me off this thing! Pull up! Unhook yourself. Do it! - Do it! - I can't get-- You can do it! Come on, Vince! Dom! I'm pulling up to distract him! Come on, boy! Shot doesn't get better than this. Son of a bitch! Take me off here, or I'll have to unhook the wire! Try it again. One, two, three! Unhook yourself! I can't get my arm free! - Vince, grab my hand! - My arm! Listen, give me your hand. I'm gonna pull you off the rig! Vince! Hold on! Give me your hand! Listen to me! Dominic! Shit! - Dominic! - Hang on! Dom! Move out of the way. I'm coming to get him. Letty! Leon! Pull back for Letty. Get her out of there! I'm on it! Go! I've got her! You get Vince off that truck. Letty! Come on, baby. You okay? Oh, shit. Come on, girl, you all right? Come on, let me look at you. Come on. We got to go. Let's go. Vince! Take the wheel. - What do you mean? - Put your foot on the gas! I'm gonna get him. Put your foot on the gas! Okay! - Come on. Keep it steady. - I got it! All right, hold on, Vince. He's having a hard time holding on. Get me a little closer. All right. - Closer. - I'm moving in. Hold it right there! Go! You got to hang in here with me now! We'll get you off. Give me your arm! Vince, look at me! Don't let go! Come on, Vince! Throw this arm around me! Vince, don't let go! Come on, Mia. Get closer! Mia, get closer! Come on. Come on, Vince. Here we go! Shit. It's gonna be okay, Letty. I love you. - Watch her. - I got her. Come on, Vince! Hang in there! Come on! If he doesn't get to an ambulance in 10 minutes, he's dead. - Hold the pressure. Hold his arm up. - I got it. Yeah. Yeah, this is Officer Brian O'Conner. I'm off-duty MAPD. I need a life flight roll out right away. My 20 is Highway 86, mile marker 147. I got one trauma victim, about 24 years of age. Six-foot, maybe 200 pounds. He's got a deep laceration to his right arm with arterial bleeding. And he's got a shotgun wound close range to his left flank. Yeah, he's going into shock! Dom, put the gun down now! - Move your car. - No bullshit! Put it down now! No more running! I'm not running! - Where's Leon and Letty? - They're long gone! Then it's over. I didn't call the police, but don't push me! - Put the gun down. I swear to God! - You are the cop! You're a cop! Brian, I got to find Jesse before they do. - I'm all the kid's got. - I'll call in the plates. PD will pick him up way before Johnny even gets near him. - Move your car. - Dom, stop it! It's over. Please. Mia, stay out of it! Dominic, I am so sorry. I don't know what I'm doing, Dom. I'm so scared right now. I don't know what's going on. What were you thinking, man? I don't know! I panicked! I'm sorry. I'm scared! I don't know what I'm doing! Will you please help me? Dom! Jesse! No, Jesse! No, Dom, no! Call 911. You call 911! I used to drag here back in high school. That railroad crossing up there is exactly a quarter mile away from here. On green, I'm going for it. Dom! That's not what I had in mind. You know what you're doing? I owe you a 10-second car. I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters. For those 10 seconds or less... ...I'm free.

MARLIN Wow.

CORAL Mmm.

MARLIN Wow.

CORAL Mmm-hmm.

MARLIN Wow.

CORAL Yes, Marlin. No, I see it. It's beautiful.

MARLIN So, Coral, when you said you wanted an ocean view, you didn't think that we we're gonna get the whole ocean, did you? Huh? [sighs] Oh yeah. A fish can breath out here. Did your man deliver or did he deliver? 


                                            1

CORAL My man delivered.

MARLIN And it wasn't so easy.

CORAL Because a lot of other clownfish had their eyes on this place.

MARLIN You better believe they did--every single one of them.

CORAL Mm-hmm. You did good. And the neighborhood is awesome.

MARLIN So, you do like it, don't you?

CORAL No, no. I do, I do. I really do like it. But Marlin, I know that the drop off is desirable with the great schools and the amazing view and all, but do we really need so much space?

MARLIN Coral, honey, these are our kids we're talking about. They deserve the best. Look, look, look. They'll wake up, poke their little heads out and they'll see a whale! See, right by their bedroom window.

CORAL Shhh, you're gonna wake the kids.

MARLIN Oh, right. Right.

CORAL Aww, look. They're dreaming. We still have to name them.

MARLIN You wanna name all of 'em, right now? All right, we'll name this half Marlin Jr. and then this half Coral Jr. Okay, we're done.

CORAL I like Nemo.

MARLIN Nemo? Well, we'll name one Nemo but I'd like most of them to be Marlin Jr.

CORAL Just think that in a couple of days, we're gonna be parents!

MARLIN Yeah. What if they don't like me?

CORAL Marlin.

MARLIN No, really.

CORAL There's over 400 eggs. Odds are, one of them is bound to like you.

CORAL What?

MARLIN You remember how we met?

CORAL Well, I try not to.

MARLIN Well, I remember. 'Excuse me, miss, can you check and see if there's a hook in my lip?'

CORAL Marlin!

MARLIN 

                                            2

'Well, you gotta look a little closer because it's wiggling'.

CORAL Get away!

MARLIN Here he is. Cutie's here! Where did everybody go?

MARLIN [gasps] Coral, get inside the house, Coral. No, Coral, don't. They'll be fine. Just get inside, you, right now.

MARLIN No!

MARLIN Coral! Coral?

MARLIN Coral? Oh!

MARLIN Ohh. There, there, there. It's okay, daddy's here. Daddy's got you. I promise, I will never let anything happen to you...Nemo.

==========================================================================

NEMO First day of school! First day of school! Wake up, wake up! C'mon, first day of school!

MARLIN I don't wanna go to school. Five more minutes.

NEMO Not you, dad. Me!

MARLIN Okay...huh?

NEMO Get up, get up! It's time for school! It's time for school! It's time for school! It's time for school! Oh boy! Oh boy!

MARLIN All right, I'm up.

NEMO Oh boy--whoa!

MARLIN Nemo!

NEMO First day of school!

MARLIN [gasps] Nemo, don't move! Don't move! You'll never get out of there yourself. I'll do it. All right, where's the break? You feel a break?

NEMO No.

MARLIN Sometimes you can't tell 'cause fluid is rushing to the area. Now, any rushing fluids?

NEMO No.

MARLIN Are you woozy?

NEMO No.

MARLIN How many stripes do I have? 


                                            3

NEMO I'm fine.

MARLIN Answer the stripe question!

NEMO Three.

MARLIN No! See, something's wrong with you. I have one, two, three--that's all I have? Oh, you're okay. How's the lucky fin?

NEMO Lucky.

MARLIN Let's see.

MARLIN Are you sure you wanna go to school this year? 'Cause there's no problem if you don't. You can wait 5 or 6 years.

NEMO Come on, dad. It's time for school.

MARLIN Ah-ah-ah! Forgot to brush.

NEMO Ohh...

MARLIN Do you want this anemone to sting you?

NEMO Yes.

MARLIN Brush.

NEMO Okay, I'm done.

MARLIN You missed a spot.

NEMO Where?

MARLIN There. Ha ha! Right there. And here and here and here!

==========================================================================

MARLIN All right, we're excited. First day of school, here we go. We're ready to learn to get some knowledge. Now, what's the one thing we have to remember about the ocean?

NEMO It's not safe.

MARLIN That's my boy. So, first we check to see that the coast is clear. We go out and back in. And then we go out, and back in. And then one more time--out and back in. And sometimes, if you wanna do it four times--

NEMO Dad..

MARLIN All right. Come on, boy.

NEMO Dad, maybe while I'm at school, I'll see a shark!

MARLIN 

                                            4

I highly doubt that.

NEMO Have you ever met a shark?

MARLIN No, and I don't plan to.

NEMO How old are sea turtles?

MARLIN Sea turtles? I don't know.

NEMO Sandy Plankton from next door, he said that sea turtles, said that they live to be about a hundred years old!

MARLIN Well, you know what, if I ever meet a sea turtle, I'll ask him. After I'm done talking to the shark, okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on, hold on, wait to cross. Hold my fin, hold my fin.

NEMO Dad, you're not gonna freak out like you did at the petting zoo, are you?

MARLIN Hey, that snail was about to charge. Hmm, I wonder where we're supposed to go.

FISH KIDS Bye, mom!

FISH MOM I'll pick you up after school.

CRAB KID Come on, you guys. Stop it! Give it back!

MARLIN Come on, we'll try over there.

MARLIN Excuse me, is this where we meet his teacher?

BOB Well, look who's out of the anemone.

MARLIN Yes. Shocking, I know.

BOB Marty, right?

MARLIN Marlin.

BOB Bob.

TED Ted.

BILL Bill. Hey, you're a clownfish. You're funny, right? Hey, tell us a joke.

BOB/TED Yeah, yeah. Come on, give us a funny one.

MARLIN Well, actually, that's a common misconception. Clownfish are no funnier than any other fish.

BILL Aw, come on, clownie.

TED Yeah, do something funny. 

                                            5

BOB Yeah!

MARLIN All right, I know one joke. Um, there's a mollusk, see? And he walks up to a sea, well he doesn't walk up, he swims up. Well, actually the mollusk isn't moving. He's in one place and then the sea cucumber, well they--I mixed up. There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber. None of them were walking, so forget that I--

BOB Sheldon! Get out of Mr. Johansenn's yard, now!

KIDS Whoa!

MR. JOHANSSEN All right, you kids! Ooh! Uuh, where'd you go? Where'd you go? Where, where'd you go?

NEMO Dad, dad...can I go play too? Can I?

MARLIN I would feel better if you go play over on the sponge beds.

MARLIN That's where I would play

PEARL What's wrong with his fin?

TAD He looks funny!

SHELDON Ow! Hey, what'd I do? What'd I do?

BOB Be nice. It's his first time at school.

MARLIN He was born with it, kids. We call it his lucky fin.

NEMO Dad.

PEARL See this tentacle? It's actually shorter than all my other tentacles but you can't really tell.Especially when I twirl them like this.

SHELDON I'm H2O-intolerant. [sneezes]

TAD I'm obnoxious.

MR. RAY [singing] Oooh, let's name the zones, the zones, the zones. Let's name the zones of the open sea.

KIDS Mr. Ray!

SHELDON Come on, Nemo.

MARLIN Whoa, you better stay with me.

MR. RAY [singing]..mesopolagic, bathyal, abyssalpelagic. All the rest are too deep for you and me to see.

MR. RAY Huh, I wonder where my class has gone?

KIDS 

                                              6

We're under here!

MR. RAY Oh, there you are. Climb aboard, explorers. [singing] Oh, knowledge exploring is oh so lyrical, when you think thoughts that are empirical.

NEMO Dad, you can go now.

MR. RAY Well, hello. Who is this?

NEMO I'm Nemo.

MR. RAY Well, Nemo, all new explorers must answer a science question.

NEMO Okay.

MR. RAY You live in what kind of home?

NEMO An anemo-none. A nemenem-menome-nememen-nenemone--

MR. RAY Okay, okay, don't hurt yourself. Welcome aboard, explorers!

MARLIN Just so you know, he's got a little fin. I find if he's having trouble swimming, let him take a break. Ten, fifteen minutes.

NEMO Dad, it's time for you to go now.

MR. RAY Don't worry. We're gonna stay together as a group. Okay, class, optical orbits up front. And remember, we keep our supraesophogeal ganglion to ourselves...that means you, Jimmy.

JIMMY Aw, man!

MR. RAY [singing]

MARLIN Bye, Nemo!

NEMO Bye, dad!

MARLIN Bye, son! Be safe.

BOB Hey, you're doing pretty well for a first timer.

MARLIN Well, you can't hold onto them forever, can you?

BILL Yeah, I had a tough time when my oldest went out at the drop off.

MARLIN They just gotta grow up--the drop off?! They're going to the drop off?! Wh-what are you, insane?! Why don't we fry 'em up now and serve them with chips!?

BOB Hey, Marty. Calm down.

MARLIN Don't tell me to be calm, pony boy!

BOB 'Pony boy'? 

                                            7

BILL You know for a clownfish, he really isn't that funny.

TED Pity.

==========================================================================

MR. RAY [singing] Oh, let's name the species, the species, the species. Let's name the species that live in thesea.

NEMO Whoa.

MR. RAY [singing] There's porifera, coelenterata, hydrozoa, scyphozoa, anthozoa, ctenophora, bryozoas, three! Gastropoda, arthropoda, echinoderma, and some fish like you and me. Come on, sing with me. Oh...!

MR. RAY Just the girls this time. [singing] Oh, seaweed is cool. Seaweed is fun. It makes it's food with the rays of the sun...

MR. RAY Okay, the drop off. All right, kids, feel free to explore but stay close. [gasps] Stromalitic cyanobacteria! Gather. An entire ecosystem contained in one infinitesimal speck. There are as many protein pairs contained in this...

TAD Come on, let's go.

MR. RAY Come on, sing with me! [singing] There's porifera, coelentera, hydrozoa, scyphozoa, anthozoa, ctenophora, bryozoas, three!

NEMO Hey guys, wait up! Whoa.

TAD Cool.

TAD Saved your life!

PEARL Aw, you guys made me ink.

NEMO What's that?

TAD I know what that is. Oh, oh! Sandy Plankton saw one. He called, he said it was called a...a butt.

NEMO Whoa.

PEARL Wow. That's a pretty big butt.

SHELDON Oh, look at me. I'm gonna go touch the butt. [sneezes] Whoa!

SHELDON Oh yeah? Let's see you get closer.

PEARL Okay. Beat that.

TAD Come on, Nemo. How far can you go?

NEMO Uh, my dad says it's not safe. 


                                            8

MARLIN Nemo, no!

NEMO Dad?

MARLIN You were about to swim into open water!

NEMO No, I wasn't go out--but dad!

MARLIN It was a good thing I was here. If I hadn't showed up, I don't know--

PEARL Sir, he wasn't gonna go.

TAD Yeah, he was too afraid.

NEMO No, I wasn't.

MARLIN This does not concern you, kids. And you're lucky I don't tell your parents you were out there. You know you can't swim well.

NEMO I can swim fine, dad, okay?

MARLIN No, it's not okay. You shouldn't be anywhere near here. Okay, I was right. You'll start school in a year or two.

NEMO No, dad! Just because you're scared of the ocean--

MARLIN Clearly, you're not ready. And you're not coming back until you are. You think you can do these things but you just can't, Nemo!

NEMO I hate you.

MR. RAY There's--nothing to see. Gather, uh, over there. Excuse me, is there anything I can do? I am a scientist, sir. Is there any problem?

MARLIN I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt things. He isn't a good swimmer and it's a little too soon for him to be out here unsupervised.

MR. RAY Well, I can assure you, he's quite safe with me.

MARLINLook, I'm sure he is. But you have a large class and he can get lost from sight if you're not looking. I'm not saying you're not looking--

FISH KID Oh my gosh! Nemo's swimming out to sea!

MARLIN Nemo! What do you think you're doing? You're gonna get stuck out there and I'll have to get you before another fish does! Get back here! I said get back here, now! Stop! You take one move, mister. Don't youdare! If you put one fin on that boat..are you listening to me? Don't touch the bo--Nemo!

TAD [whispering] He touched the butt.

MARLIN You paddle your little tail back here, Nemo. That's right. You are in big trouble, young man. Do you hear me? Big...big-- 


                                            9

NEMO Aaaah! Daddy! Help me!

MARLIN I'm coming, Nemo!

KIDS Aaaah!

MR. RAY Get under me, kids!

NEMO Ah! Oh no! Dad! Daddy!

MARLIN Oh! Nemo! Unh! Nemo! Nemo, no! Nemo! Nemo! Nemo! No! No! Aah! Nemo! Nemo!

DIVER Whoa! Hold on.

MARLIN Oh no. No, no. It's gone, it's gone. No, no, it can't be gone. No, no! Nemo! Nemo! Nemo! No! Nemo! Nemo! No! No, please, no! No, no!

MARLIN Has anybody seen a boat!? Please! A white boat! They took my son! My son! Help me, please!

DORY Look out!

MARLIN Waaaah!

MARLIN Ooh, ooh...

DORY Ohh. Oh, oh. Sorry! I didn't see you. Sir, are you okay?

MARLIN He's gone, he's gone..

DORY There, there. It's all right.

MARLIN He's gone.

DORY It'll be okay.

MARLIN No, no. They took him away. I have to find the boat.

DORY Hey, I've seen a boat.

MARLIN You have?

DORY It passed by not too long ago.

MARLIN A white one?

DORY Hi. I'm Dory.

MARLIN Where!? Which way!?

DORY Oh, oh, oh! It-it went, um, this way! And it went this way! Follow me!

MARLIN 

                                            10

Thank you! Thank you, thank you so much!

DORY No problem.

MARLIN Hey! Wait!

DORY Will you quit it?

MARLIN What?

DORY I'm trying to swim here. What, ocean ain't big enough for you?

MARLIN Huh?

DORY You got a problem, buddy? Huh? Huh? Do 'ya? Do 'ya? Do 'ya? You want a piece of me? Yeah, oooh, I'm scared now. Whaat!?

MARLIN Wait a minute..

DORY Stop following me, okay!?

MARLIN What? You're showing me which way the boat went!

DORY A boat? Hey, I've seen a boat. It passed by not too long ago. It went this way, it went this way. Follow me!

MARLIN Wait a minute, wait a minute! What is going on? You already told me which way the boat was going!

DORY I did? Oh dear...

MARLIN If this is some kind of practical joke, it's not funny! And I know funny..I'm a clownfish!

DORY No, it's not. I know it's not. I'm so sorry. See, I suffer from short-term memory loss.

MARLIN Short-term memory loss..I don't believe this!

DORY No, it's true. I forget things almost instantly. It runs in my family..or at least I think it does. Hmmm..where are they? Can I help you?

MARLIN Something's wrong with you, really. You're wasting my time. I have to find my son. [gasps]

BRUCE Hello.

DORY Well, hi!

BRUCE Name's Bruce. It's all right, I understand. Why trust a shark, right? So, what's a couple of bites like you doing out so late, eh?

MARLIN Nothing. We're not doing anything. We're not even out.

BRUCE Great! Then how'd you morsels like to come to a little get-together I'm havin'?

DORY 

                                            11

You mean like a party?

BRUCE Yeah, yeah, that's right--a party! What do you say?

DORY Ooh, I love parties! Parties are fun!

MARLIN Parties are fun, and it's tempting but--

BRUCE Oh, come on, I insist.

MARLIN O-okay..that's all that matters.

DORY Hey, look--balloons! It is a party!

BRUCE Ha ha ha! Mind your distance, though. Those balloons can be a bit dodgy. You wouldn't want one of them to pop.

BRUCE Anchor! Chum!

ANCHOR There you are, Bruce, finally!

BRUCE We got company.

ANCHOR It's about time, mate.

CHUM We've already gone through all the snacks and I'm still starvin'!

ANCHOR We almost had a feeding frenzy.

CHUM Come on, let's get this over with.

==========================================================================

BRUCE Right, then. The meeting has officially come to order. Let us all say the pledge..

BRUCE/ANCHOR/CHUM 'I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. Fish are friends, not food'.

ANCHOR Except stinkin' dolphins.

CHUM Dolphins! Yeah, they think they're sooo cute! 'Hey, look at me. I'm a flippin' little dolphin! Let me flip for 'ya! Ain't I a somethin'!'

BRUCE Right, then. Today's meeting is step 5, 'BRING A FISH FRIEND'. Now do you all have your friends?

ANCHOR Got mine.

DORY Hey there!

BRUCE How 'bout you, Chum?

CHUM Oh, um, I seem to have misplaced my uh, friend. 


                                            12

BRUCE That's all right, Chum. I had a feeling this would be a difficult step, you can help yourself to one of my friends.

CHUM Oh, thanks, mate. A little chum for Chum, eh?

BRUCE I'll start the testimonies. Hello, my name is Bruce.

ANCHOR/CHUM Hello, Bruce.

BRUCE It has been three weeks since my last fish, on my honor, or may I be chopped up and made into soup.

CHUM You're an inspiration to all of us.

ANCHOR Amen.

BRUCE Right, then. Who's next?

DORY Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!

BRUCE Yes, the little Sheila down the front.

DORY Woo-hoo!

BRUCE Come on up here.

DORY Hi. I'm Dory.

BRUCE/ANCHOR/CHUM Hello, Dory.

DORY And, uh, well, I don't think I've ever eaten a fish.

CHUM Hey, that's incredible.

BRUCE Good on 'ya, mate!

DORY Whew! I'm glad I got that off my chest.

BRUCE All right, anyone else? Hello, how 'bout you, mate? What's your problem?

MARLIN Me? I don't have a problem.

BRUCE Oh. Okay..

BRUCE/ANCHOR/CHUM Denial.

BRUCE Just start with your name.

MARLIN Okay. Uh, hello. My name is Marlin. I'm a clownfish--

CHUM A clownfish? Really?! 


                                            13

BRUCE Go on, tell us a joke!

CHUM Ooh! I love jokes!

MARLIN Actually I do know one that's pretty good. There was this mollusk and he walks up to a sea cucumber. Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke, everyone talks. So the sea mollusk says to the cucumber...

NEMO Daddy!

MARLIN Nemo!

CHUM Nemo! Ha ha ha! Nemo! I don't get it.

BRUCE For a clownfish, he's not that funny.

MARLIN No, no, no, no. He's my son. He was taken by these divers.

DORY Oh my, you poor fish.

CHUM Humans. Think they own everything.

ANCHOR Probably American.

BRUCE Now there is a father looking for his little boy.

MARLIN Ugh! What do these markings mean?

BRUCE I never knew my father! [sobs]

CHUM Aw, come here.

ANCHOR Group hug.

CHUM We're all mates here, mate.

MARLIN I can't read human.

DORY Well then we gotta find a fish who can read this. Hey, look. Sharks!

MARLIN No, no, no, Dory!

DORY Guys, guys!

MARLIN No, Dory!

DORY That's mine! Give it to me! Gimme! Oww!

MARLIN Oh, I'm sorry. Are you okay?

DORY Ow, ow, ow. 


                                            14

MARLIN I'm so sorry.

DORY You really clocked me there. Am I bleeding?

MARLIN Ohh...

DORY Ow, ow, ow.

BRUCE Dory, are you oka--oohh. Oohh, that's good.

ANCHOR/CHUM Intervention!

BRUCE Just a bite!

ANCHOR Hold it together, mate!

CHUM Remember, Bruce, fish are friends, not food!

BRUCE FOOD!

MARLIN Dory, look out!

BRUCE I'm havin' fish tonight!

CHUM Remember the steps, mate!

BRUCE Just one bite!

BRUCE G'day!

MARLIN/DORY Aaaaaaaah!

BRUCE Arrrr!

MARLIN There's no way out! There's got to be a way to escape!

DORY Who is it?

MARLIN Dory, help me find a way out!

DORY Sorry, you'll have to come back later. We're trying to escape.

MARLIN There's gotta be a way out!

DORY Look, here's something! 'ESSS-CA-PE'! I wonder what that means. It's funny, it's spelled just like the word 'escape'.

MARLIN Let's go!

BRUCE Here's Brucey!

MARLIN 

                                              15

Wait a minute..you can read?!

DORY I can read? That's right, I can read!

MARLIN Well, then here. Read this now!

ANCHOR He really doesn't mean it, y'know! He never even knew his father!

CHUM Don't fall off the wagon!

MARLIN Oh no, it's blocked!

ANCHOR No, Bruce. Focus!

CHUM Sorry about--this, mate!

ANCHOR He's really--a nice guy!

MARLIN I need to get that mask!

DORY You want that mask? Okay.

MARLIN No, no, no, no, no, no!

MARLIN Quick grab the mask!

ANCHOR Oh no. Bruce?

BRUCE What? [gasps] Swim away! Swim away!

DORY Aw, is the party over?

PELICAN Nice.

==========================================================================

NEMO Dad? Daddy?

DENTIST Barbara?

BARBARA Uh-huh?

DENTIST Prep for his anterior crown, would you, please? And I'm going to need a few cotton rolls.

BARBARA Okay.

DENTIST Hello, little fella!

NEMO Aah!

DENTIST Heh heh heh! Beauty, isn't he? I found that guy struggling for life out on the reef and I saved him. So, has that novocaine kicked in yet? 


                                            16

PATIENT I think so. We're ready to roll.

BUBBLES Bubbles! [muttering] My bubbles.

PEACH He likes bubbles.

NEMO Aah! Ohh! No! Uhh!

JACQUES Bonjour.

NEMO Aah!

BLOAT Heh heh! Slow down, little fella. There's nothing to worry about.

DEB Oh, he's scared to death.

NEMO I wanna go home. Do you know where my dad is?

PEACH Honey, your dad's probably back at the pet store.

NEMO Pet store?

BLOAT Yeah, you know, like I'm from Bob's Fish Mart.

GURGLE Pet Palace.

BUBBLES Fish-O-Rama.

DEB Mail order.

PEACH Ebay.

GURGLE So which one is it?

NEMO I'm from the ocean.

GURGLE Ah, the ocean. The ocean! Aaah! He hasn't been decontaminated yet! Jacques!

JACQUES Oui.

GURGLE Clean him!

JACQUES Oui.

GURGLE Ocean!

JACQUES Ooh, la mer. Bon. Voila. He is clean.

BUBBLES Wow. The big blue. What's it like?

NEMO Big...and blue? 

                                            17

BUBBLES I knew it.

DEB Kid, if there's anything you need, just ask your auntie Deb, that's me. Or if I'm not around, you can always talk to my sister Flo. Hi,how are you? Don't listen to anything my sister says, she's nuts! Ha ha ha ha!

PEACH [muffled] We got a live one!

BLOAT Can't hear you, Peach.

PEACH I said we got a live one.

GURGLE Yes!

BLOAT Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

DEB What do we got?

PEACH Root canal, and by the looks of those x-rays it's not gonna be pretty.

PATIENT Owwwwwwwww!

BLOAT Rubber dam and clamp installed?

PEACH Yep.

GURGLE What did he use to open?

PEACH Gator-Glidden drill. He seems to be favoring that one lately.

DEB I can't see, Flo.

PATIENT You're getting a little too--aaaaah!!!

PEACH Now he's doing the Schilder technique.

BLOAT Oooh, he's using a Hedstrom file.

GURGLE That's not a Hedstrom file. That's a K-Flex.

BLOAT It's got a teardrop cross-section. Clearly a Hedstrom.

GURGLE No, no. K-Flex.

BLOAT Hedstrom!

GURGLE K-Flex!

BLOAT Hedstro--! [inflates] There I go. A little help over here.

DEB I'll go deflate him. 

                                              18

DENTIST All right, go ahead and rinse.

GURGLE Ugh! The human mouth is a disgusting place.

PEACH Hey, Nigel.

NIGEL What did I miss? Am I late?

PEACH Root canal and it's a doozy.

NIGEL Root canal, eh? What did he use to open?

PEACH Gator-Glidden drill.

NIGEL He seems to be favoring that one. Hope he doesn't get surplus sealer at the portal terminus... hello.

NEMO [gasps]

NIGEL Who's this?

DEB New guy. Ha ha ha!

GURGLE The dentist took him off the reef.

NIGEL An outie. From my neck of the woods, eh? Sorry if I ever took a snap at you. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta eat. [gasps]

DENTIST Hey! No, no, no, no! They're not your fish. They're my fish. Come on, go! Go on, shoo! Oh, the picture broke. This here's Darla. She's my niece. She's going to be eight next week. Hey, little fella. Say hello to your new mummy. She'll be here Friday to pick you up. You're her present. Shh, shh, shh! It's our little secret. Well, Mr. Tucker, while that sets up I'm going to see a man about a wallaby.

BLOAT Oh, Darla.

NEMO What? What's wrong with her?

GURGLE She wouldn't stop shaking the bag.

BUBBLES Poor Chuckles.

DEB He was her present last year.

BLOAT Hitched a ride on the porcelain express.

PEACH She's a fish killer.

NEMO I can't go with that girl! I have to get back to my dad! Aaah! Daddy! Help me!

GURGLE Oh, he's stuck!

GILL 

                                              19

Nobody touch him! Nobody touch him.

NEMO Can you help me?

GILL No. You got yourself in there, you can get yourself out.

PEACH Gill..

GILL I just wanna see him do it, okay? Calm down. Alternate wiggling your fins and your tail.

NEMO I can't. I have a bad fin.

GILL Never stopped me.

GILL Just think about what you need to do.

BLOAT Come on.

GILL Perfect.

BUBBLES Yay!

GURGLE You did it!

DEB Good squirming! Ha ha ha!

PEACH Wow. From the ocean. Just like you, Gill.

GILL Yeah.

PEACH I've seen that look before. What are you thinking about?

GILL I'm thinking, tonight, we give the kid a proper reception.

BLOAT So kid, you got a name or what?

NEMO Nemo. I'm Nemo.

==========================================================================

MARLIN Nemo. Nemo. [mutters]

DORY Are you gonna eat that? Careful with that hammer...

MARLIN Huh? No, no! What does it say? Dory!

DORY Sea monkey has my money...

MARLIN Wake up! Get up! Come on! Come on!

DORY Yes, I'm a natural blue...

MARLIN 

                                            20

Get up!

DORY Look out! Sharks eat fish! Aaaaaah!

MARLIN/DORY AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

DORY Wow. Dusty.

MARLIN [gasps] The mask! Where's the mask? No! No, not the mask! Get it! Get the mask! Get the mask! Get it!

DORY [singing] Hoo doot doo doot doot doo doot. Whoo-hoo! La la la la la la. Just keeps going on, doesn't it? Echo! Echo! Hey, what are you doing?

MARLIN It's gone. I've lost the mask.

DORY Did you drop it?

MARLIN You dropped it! That was my only chance of finding my son, now it's gone.

DORY Hey, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do?

MARLIN I don't wanna know what you gotta do when life gets you down.

DORY [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.

MARLIN Dory, no singing.

DORY [singing] Ho ho ho ho ho ho! I love to swim! When you want to swim..

MARLIN See, I'm going to get stuck now with that song now it's in my head!

DORY Sorry.

MARLIN Dory, do you see anything?

DORY Aaah! Something's got me!

MARLIN That was me. I'm sorry.

DORY [gasps] Who was that?

MARLIN Who could it be? It's me!

DORY Are..are you my conscience?

MARLIN Yeah, yeah. I'm your conscience. We haven't spoken for a while. How are you?

DORY Hmm, can't complain.

MARLIN Yeah? Good. Now, Dory. I want you to tell me..do you see anything? 


                                            21

DORY I see..I see a light.

MARLIN A light.

DORY Yeah. Over there. Hey, conscience. Am I dead?

MARLIN No, I see it too. What is it?

DORY It's so pretty.

MARLIN I'm feeling...happy. Which is a big deal for me.

DORY I want to touch it. Oh!

MARLIN Hey, come back. Come on back here.

DORY [singing] I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna swim with you.

MARLIN I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna be your best friend...good feeling's gone.

MARLIN I can't see! I don't know where I'm going!

DORY Haah!

MARLIN The mask!

DORY What mask?

DORY Okay, I can't see a thing.

MARLIN Oh, gee!

DORY Hey, look! A mask!

MARLIN Read it!

DORY I'm sorry, but if you could just bring it a little closer, I kind of need the light. That's great, keep it right there.


MARLIN Just read it!

DORY Okay, okay. Mr. Bossy. Uh, 'P'. Okay, 'P'. 'Shh-eer...Sher--P. Sher--P. Shirley? P.--'. Oh! The first line's 'P. Sherman'!

MARLIN P. Sherman doesn't make any sense!

DORY Okay, second line. '42'.

MARLIN Don't eat me! Don't eat me! Aaaah!

DORY Light, please. 'Walla--Walla--Walla-beee'... 

                                              22

MARLIN Waah! Waaah! Waaaah!

DORY The second line's '42 Wallaby Way'!

MARLIN That's great! Speed read! Take a guess! No pressure! No problem! There's a lot of pressure! Pressure! Take a guess now with pressure!

DORY 'Sydney'. It's 'Sydney'!

MARLIN Duck!

DORY Aaah!

MARLIN I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I died, I'm dead.

MARLIN Whoo-hoo! [singing] We did it, we did it! Oh yeah, yeah, yeah! No eating here tonight, whoo!

BOTH [singing] Eating here tonight!

MARLIN Dory.

DORY [singing] No, no, no eating here tonight. You on a diet--

MARLIN Dory! What did the mask say?

DORY 'P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney'. [gasps] I remember what it said! I usually forget things, but I remembered it this time!

MARLIN Whoa, whoa, wait! Where is that?

DORY I don't know. But who cares? I remembered!

MARLIN/DORY Aaah!

DORY P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. I remembered it again!

==========================================================================

JACQUES Psst. Nemo.

NEMO Mmmm...

JACQUES Nemo.

NEMO Huh?

JACQUES Suivez-moi. Follow me.

BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE [chanting] Ha! Ho! Hwa! Hwee! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ha! Ho! Hwa! Hwee! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ha! Ho! Hwa! Hwee! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Hahoo! Wahoo! Yahoo! Ho! Ha! Ho! Wahee! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Hoo!

GILL State your name. 

                                            23

NEMO Nemo.

GILL Brother Bloat, proceed.

BLOAT Nemo! Newcomer of orange and white, you have been called forth to the summit of Mount Wannahockaloogie to join with us in the fraternal bonds of tankhood.

NEMO Huh?

PEACH We want you in our club, kid.

NEMO Really?

BLOAT If you are able to swim through..THE RING OF FIRE! [whispers to Jacques] Turn on the Ring of Fire! The Ring of Fire, you said you could do it--THE RING OF FIRE!

BUBBLES Bubbles! Bubbles! Let me--oww!

BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE [chanting]

PEACH Isn't there another way? He's just a boy!

JACQUES [wailing]

GILL From this moment on, you will now be known as Sharkbait.

BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE Sharkbait! Ooh ha ha!

GILL Welcome, brother Sharkbait!

BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE Sharkbait! Ooh ha ha!

GILL Enough with the Sharkbait.

GURGLE Sharkbait! Ooh..ba-ba-doo.

GILL Okay, Sharkbait's one of us now, agreed?

BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE Agreed!

GILL We can't send him off to his death. Darla's coming in 5 days, so what are we gonna do? I'll tell you what we're gonna do: we're gonna get him outta here. We're gonna help him escape.

NEMO Escape? Really?

GILL We're all gonna escape!

GURGLE Gill, please, not another one of your escape plans.

DEB Sorry, but they, they just, they never work. 


                                              24

BLOAT Yeah. Why should this be any different?

GILL 'Cause we've got him.

NEMO Me?

GILL You see that filter?

NEMO Yeah?

GILL You're the only one who can get in and out of that thing. What we need you to do is take a pebble inside and jam the gears. You do that and this tank's gonna get filthier and filthier by the minute. Pretty soon, the dentist'll have to clean the tank himself. And when he does, he'll take us out of the tank, put us in the individual baggies, then we roll ourselves down the counter, out of the window, off the awning, into the bushes, across the street and into the harbor! It's foolproof! Who's with me?

BLOAT Aye!

JACQUES Aye!

DEB Aye!

BUBBLES Aye!

GURGLE I think your nuts.

GILL/NEMO [sighs]

GURGLE No offense, kid, but, um..you're not the best swimmer.

GILL He's fine, he can do this. So Sharkbait, what do you think?

NEMO Let's do it.

==========================================================================

DORY I'm going to P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. Where are you going? I'm going to P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. If you're askin' where I'm goin'. I'll tell you that's where I'm going. It's P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. Where? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way...

MARLIN Excuse me. Ex-excuse me, um, hi. Do you know how to get to--hello? W-w-w-wait! Can you tell me--hey! Hold it! Wait a minute! I'm trying to talk to you. Okay, fellas, come back here. Please, one quick question. I need to aaaaand they're gone again. [sighs]

DORY P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. Why do I have to tell you over and over again? I'll tell you again. I don't get tired of it--

MARLIN Okay, all right.

DORY Huh?

MARLIN Here's the thing.

DORY 

                                            25

Uh-huh.

MARLIN Y'know, I just, I-I think it's best if I just, if I just, carry on from here by..by myself.

DORY Okay.

MARLIN Y'know, alone.

DORY Uh-huh.

MARLIN Without, without..well, I mean, not without you. I mean, it's just that I don't want you... with me.

DORY Huh?

MARLIN I don't wanna hurt your feelings..

DORY You want me to leave?

MARLIN Well, I mean not..yes, yeah. It's just that you know I-I just can't afford anymore delays and you're one of those fish that cause delays. And sometimes it's a good thing. There's a whole group of fish. They're..'delay fish'.

DORY You mean..[whimper]you mean you don't..like me? [sobs]

MARLIN No, of course I like you. It's because I like you I don't wanna be with you. It's a complicated emotion. Oh, don't cry. I like you.

MOONFISH LEADER Hey, you! Lady, is this guy botherin' you?

DORY Um, I don't remember. Were you?

MARLIN No, no, no, no, no. We're just, we're..hey, do you guys know how I can get to--

MOONFISH LEADER Look, pal. We're talkin' to the lady, not you. Hey-hey, you like impressions?

DORY Mm-mmm-mmmm.

MOONFISH LEADER Okay. Just like in rehearsals, gentlemen. So, what are we? Take a guess.

DORY Oh, oh, I've seen one of those.

MOONFISH LEADER I'm a fish with a nose like a sword.

DORY Wait, wait, um..

MARLIN It's a swordfish.

MOONFISH LEADER Hey, clown boy! Let the lady guess. Where's the butter?

DORY Oh-oh-oh! It's on the tip of my tongue.

MARLIN [coughs up answer]Lobster. 

                                            26

MOONFISH LEADER Saw that.

MARLIN What?

MOONFISH LEADER Lots of legs, lives in the ocean.

DORY Clam!

MOONFISH LEADER Close enough. [singing] Oh, it's a whale of a tale, I'll tell you lad, a whale of a tale.

DORY Oh, they're good.

MARLIN Will somebody please give me directions?

MOONFISH LEADER [impersonating Marlin] Will somebody please give me directions?

DORY Ha ha ha ha ha!

MARLIN I'm serious.

MOONFISH LEADER Blah-blah-blah! Me-me-blah! Blah-blah-blah-blah-me-me-me!

MARLIN Thank you.

DORY Oh dear. Hey, hey come back! Hey, what's the matter?

MARLIN What's the matter? While they're doing their silly little impressions, I am miles from home, with a fish that can't even remember her own name.

DORY Boy, bet that's frustrating.

MARLIN Yeah. Meanwhile my son is out there.

DORY You're son Chico?

MARLIN Nemo.

DORY Right. Got it.

MARLIN But it doesn't matter, 'cause no fish in this entire ocean is gonna help me.

DORY Well, I'm helping you. Wait right here. Hey, guys.

MOONFISH LEADER What, is he bothering you again?

DORY No, no, he's a good guy. Go easy on him, he's lost his son, Fabio. Any of you heard of P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney?

MOONFISH LEADER Sydney? Oh sure. Why, Ted here's got relatives in Sydney. Don't you, Ted?

MOONFISH TED Sure do. 

                                            27

DORY Oh, hey! They know Sydney!

MARLIN [gasps]

DORY You wouldn't know how to get there, would you?

MOONFISH LEADER What you wanna do is follow the EAC, that's the East Australian Current. Big current, can't miss it, it's in..that direction. And then you gotta follow that for about, I don't know, what do you guys think? About three leagues? And that little baby's gonna put you right past Sydney.

MOONFISH SCHOOL TA-DAA!

MARLIN Great! That's great! Dory, you did it!

DORY Oh, please. I'm just your little helper. Helping along, that's me.

MARLIN Well, listen fellas, thank you.

MOONFISH LEADER Don't mention it. And, uh, loosen up. Okay, buddy?

DORY Oh, you guys. You really nailed him. Bye.

MOONFISH LEADER Oh, hey ma'am, one more thing.

DORY Yes.

MOONFISH LEADER When you come to this trench, swim through it, not over it.

DORY Trench, through it, not over it. I'll remember. Hey, hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, wait up, partner. Hold on. Wait! Wait-wait! I got, I gotta tell you something..whoa. Nice trench. Hello! Okay, let's go.

MARLIN Bad trench, bad trench. Come on, we're gonna swim over this thing.

DORY Whoa, whoa, partner. Little red flag goin' up. Somethin's telling me we should swim through it, not over it.

MARLIN Are you even looking at this thing? It's got death written all over it.

DORY I'm sorry, but I really, really, really think we should swim through.

MARLIN And I'm really, really done talking about this. Over we go.

DORY Come on, trust me on this.

MARLIN Trust you?

DORY Yes, trust. It's what friends do.

MARLIN Look! Something shiny!

DORY 

                                            28

Where?

MARLIN Oh, it just swam over the trench. Come on, we'll follow it.

DORY Okay.

DORY Boy, sure is clear up here.

MARLIN Exactly. And look at that, there's the current. We should be there in no time.

DORY Hey, little guy.

MARLIN You wanted to go through the trench.

DORY I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy. Come here, Squishy. Come here, little Squishy. [Baby talk]---oww!

MARLIN Dory! That's a jellyfish!

DORY Bad Squishy! Bad Squishy!

MARLIN Shoo! Shoo, shoo! Get away! Come here, let me see.

DORY Don't touch it! Don't touch it!

MARLIN I'm not gonna touch it. I just wanna look.

DORY Heeey, how come it didn't sting you?

MARLIN It did. It's just that..

DORY Ow! Ow, oww!

MARLIN ..hold still. I live in this anemone and I'm, I'm, I'm used to these kind of stings. Come here.

DORY Ow, ow! Oww!

MARLIN It doesn't look bad, you're gonna be fine. But now we know, don't we?

DORY Yeah.

MARLIN That we don't wanna touch these again. Let's be thankful this time it was just a little one.[gasps]

MARLIN/DORY Aaaah!

MARLIN Don't move! This is bad, Dory.

DORY Hey, watch this! Boing! Boing!

MARLIN [gasps] Dory! 


                                            29

DORY Boing-boing-boing! [singing] You can't catch me!

MARLIN Dory! Don't bounce on the tops! They will..not sting you. The tops don't sting you, that's it!

DORY Ooh! Two in a row, beat that.

MARLIN Dory! All right, listen to me. I have an idea, a game.

DORY A game?

MARLIN A game.

DORY A game?

MARLIN Yes.

DORY Aah! I love games! Pick me!

MARLIN All right, here's the game. Um, whoever can hop the fastest out of these jellyfish, wins.

DORY Okay!

MARLIN Rules, rules, rules!

DORY Okay!

MARLIN You can't touch the tentacles, only the tops.

DORY Something about tentacles, got it. On your mark, get set, go!

MARLIN W-wait! Wait! Not something about them, it's all about them! Wait!

DORY Weeee!

MARLIN Dory!

DORY Gotta go faster if you wanna win!

MARLIN [gasps] Dory!

DORY Boing! Boing! Boing-boing-boing-boing!

MARLIN Wait a minute--whoa! Dory!

DORY Weeee!

MARLIN So, we're cheating death now. That's what we're doin'. We're havin' fun at the same time. I can do this, just be careful.

DORY Yeah, careful I don't make you cry when I win! 


                                            30

MARLIN Oh, I don't think so!

DORY Ha ha ha ha! Whooo! Give it up, old man. You can't fight evolution, I was built for speed.

MARLIN The question is, Dory, are you hungry?

DORY Huh? Hungry?

MARLIN Yeah, 'cause you're about to eat my bubbles! Duck to the left! Right there! The clownfish is the winner! Woohoo! We did it! We're gonna...Dory? Oh no. Dory! Dory! Dory! [gasps] Dory! Uggghhh!

DORY Ugh...am I disqualified?

MARLIN No, you're doing fine! You're, you're actually winning! But you gotta stay awake. Uh, where does P. Sherman live?

DORY P..Sherman..Wallaby Way...Sydney...

MARLIN That's it! Oww! Ow! Stay awake! Stay awake! Ow! Stay awake! Stay--awake!

DORY Awake...P..Sherman..

MARLIN Awake...

DORY ..42 Wallaby Way...

MARLIN Awake...wake up...Nemo...

==========================================================================

GILL You miss your dad, don't you, Sharkbait?

NEMO Yeah.

GILL Well, you're lucky to have someone out there who's lookin' for you.

NEMO He's not looking for me. He's scared of the ocean.

GILL Peach, any movement?

PEACH He's had at least four cups of coffee, it's gotta be soon.

GILL Keep on him.

GILL My first escape, landed on dental tools. I was aimin' for the toilet.

NEMO Toilet?

GILL All drains lead to the ocean, kid.

NEMO Wow. How many times have you tried to get out? 


                                            31

GILL Aah, I've lost count. Fish aren't meant to be in a box, kid. It does things to 'ya.

BUBBLES Bubbles! Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles---

PEACH Potty break! Potty break! He just grabbed the Reader's Digest! We have 4.2 minutes.

GILL That's your cue, Sharkbait.

BLOAT You can do it, kid.

GILL Okay, you gotta be quick. Once you get in, you swim down to the bottom of the chamber and I'll talk you through the rest.

NEMO Okay.

GILL Go on, it'll be a piece of kelp.

NEMO [takes a deep breath]

GILL Nicely done! Can you hear me?

NEMO Yeah.

GILL Here comes the pebble. Now, do you see a small opening?

NEMO Uh-huh.

GILL Okay, inside it you'll see a rotating fan. Very carefully, wedge that pebble into the fan to stop it turning.

NEMO Aaah!

GILL Careful, Sharkbait.

NEMO I can't do it!

PEACH Gill, this isn't a good idea.

GILL He'll be fine. Try again.

NEMO Okay.

GILL That's it, Sharkbait. Nice and steady.

NEMO I got it! I got it!

PEACH [sigh]

BLOAT He did it!

GURGLE Whew! 


                                            32

GILL That's great, kid! Now, swim up the tube and out.

NEMO Oh no! Gill! Gill!

GILL Sharkbait!

BLOAT Oh my gosh!

GILL Get 'im outta there! Get 'im outta there!

BUBBLES Help him!

GURGLE What do we do!? What do we do!?

PEACH Oh no!

GILL Stay calm, kid! Just don't panic!

NEMO Help me!

GILL Sharkbait! Grab hold of this!

NEMO No! No!

GILL Feed me more!

GURGLE That's it!

GILL Come on, Sharkbait! Grab it!

NEMO I got it!

GILL Pull!

PEACH Gill, don't make him go back in there.

GILL No. We're done.

==========================================================================

CRUSH Dude.

MARLIN Ooh...

CRUSH Dude. Focus, dude. Dude.

MARLIN Ooooh...

CRUSH Oh, he lives! Hey, dude!

MARLIN Ooooh..what happened? 


                                            33

CRUSH Oh, saw the whole thing, dude. First you were like, 'whoa'! And then we were all like, 'whoa'! And then you were like, 'whoa'.

MARLIN What're you talking about?

CRUSH You, mini-man. Takin' on the jellies. You got serious thrill issues, dude.

MARLIN Ooh.

CRUSH Awesome.

MARLIN Ooh..ooh, my stomach. Ooooh..

CRUSH Oh, man. No hurlin' on the shell, dude, okay, just waxed it.

MARLIN So Mr. Turtle...

CRUSH Whoa, dude. Mr. Turtle is my father. Name's Crush.

MARLIN Crush? Really? Okay Crush, listen I need to get to the East Australian Current. EAC?

CRUSH Ha ha ha, dude, ha ha, you're ridin' it, dude! Check it out!

CRUSH Okay, grab shell, dude!

MARLIN Grabbing--waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Whooooooaaaa!!!

CRUSH Ha ha! Righteous! Righteous! Yeah!

MARLIN Stop!

CRUSH So, what brings you on this fine day to the EAC?

MARLIN Well, Dory and I need to get to Sydney. [gasps] Dory! Dory! Is she all right!?

CRUSH Oh. Oh, Little Blue. She is sub-level, dude.

MARLIN Dory, Dory! Dory!

DORY Hmm-mmm....

MARLIN Oh, Dory. I-I-I'm so sorry. This is all my fault, it's my fault...

DORY ..29, 30! Ready or not, here I come! There you are! Catch me if you can! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

MARLIN Huh?

SQUIRT Whoa!

MARLIN [gasps] Oh my goodnes! 


                                              34

CRUSH Whoa. Kill the motor, dude. Let us see what Squirt does flying solo.

SQUIRT Whoa! Whoa! That was so cool! Hey dad, did you see that? Did you see me? Did you see what I did?

CRUSH You so totally rock, Squirt! So give me some fin..noggin..

CRUSH/SQUIRT ..dude!

CRUSH Oh, intro. Jellyman, Offspring. Offspring, Jellyman.

SQUIRT Jellies? Sweet.

CRUSH Totally.

MARLIN Well, apparently, I must've done something you all like. Heh, uh, dudes.

SQUIRT You rock, dude.

MARLIN Ow.

CRUSH Curl away, my son. Aw, it's awesome, Jellyman. Little dudes are just eggs, leave 'em on the beach to hatch, then coo-coo-ca-choo, they find their way back to the big 'ol blue.

MARLIN All by themselves?

CRUSH Yeah.

MARLIN But-but-but dude, how do you know when they're ready?

CRUSH Well, you never really know. But when they'll know, you'll know, you know? Ha.

DORY Hey! Look, everybody!

SQUIRT I know that dude. It's the Jellyman.

DORY Well, go on, jump on him.

TURTLE KIDS Turtle pile!

MARLIN W-w-wai-wait--

TURTLE KID 1 Are you funny?

TURTLE KID 2 Where's your shell?

MARLIN Hold on, I need to breath--

TURTLE KID 3 Are you running away?

TURTLE KID 4 Did you really cross the jellyfish forest? 


                                            35

TURTLE KID 5 Did they sting you?

MARLIN One at a time!

TURTLE KID 6 Mr. Fish, did you die?

DORY Sorry. I was a little vague on the details.

SQUIRT So where are you going?

MARLIN Well, you see my son was taken. My son was taken away from me.

TURTLE KIDS [gasp]

DORY No way.

SQUIRT What happened?

MARLIN No, no, no, kids. I don't wanna talk about it.

TURTLE KIDS Awww! Please?

SQUIRT Pleeeease?

MARLIN [sighs] Well, okay. I live on this reef, a long long way from here.

DORY Oh, boy. This is gonna be good, I can tell.

MARLIN And my son, Nemo, see he was mad at me. And maybe he wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been so tough on him, I don't know. Anyway, he swam out in the open water to this boat and when he was out there, these divers appeared and I tried to stop them but the boat was too fast. So we swam out in the ocean to follow them...

TURTLE KID They couldn't stop them. And then Nemo's dad, he swims out to the ocean and they bump into..

SMALL FISH ..three ferocious sharks! He scares away the sharks by blowin' them up!

BIG FISH Golly, that's amazing!

SMALL FISH And then dives thousands of..

LOBSTER ..feet straight down into the dark. It's like wicked dark down there, you can see a thing. How's it goin', Bob? And the only thing that they can see down there..

SWORDFISH ..is the light from this big horrible creature with razor sharp teeth. Nice parry, old man. And then he has to blast his way...

DOLPHIN So, these two little fish have been..searching the ocean for days. On the East Australian Current.

FEMALE BIRD Which means that he may be on his way here right now. That should put them in Sydney..

MALE BIRD 1 ..Harbor in a matter of days. I mean, it sounds like this guy's gonna stop at.. 

                                              36

MALE BIRD 2 ..nothing until he finds his son. I sure hope he makes it.

MALE BIRD 3 That's one dedicated father if you ask me.

GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

NIGEL Oh, would you just shut up! You're rats with wings!

PELICAN ..bloke's been lookin' for his boy Nemo.

NIGEL Nemo?

PELICAN He was taken off the reef by divers and this..

NIGEL There, take it! You happy!

GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

NIGEL Hey, hey, hey! Say that again! You said something about Nemo. What was it?

GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine!

CRAB Whooooooaaa..watcha!

GULL Mine!

PELICAN Last I heard, he's headin' towards the harbor.

NIGEL Ho ho! Brilliant!

==========================================================================

NEMO [sighs]

DEB Is he doing okay?

GURGLE I don't know, but whatever you do, don't mention D-A-R..

NEMO It's okay, I know who you're talking about.

NEMO Gill? Gill?

GILL Hey, Sharkbait.

NEMO I'm sorry I couldn't stop the--

GILL No, I'm the one who should be sorry. I was so ready to get out, so ready to taste that ocean. I was willing to put you in harm's way to get there. Nothing should be worth that. I'm sorry I couldn't get you back to your father, kid.

NIGEL All right! Hey, hey, hey, hey--! 


                                             37

DENTIST What the!?

PATIENT AAAAAAAAAH!!! Oooooh...

DENTIST Well, uh, that's one way to pull a tooth. He he he he he! Huh, darn kids. Well, good thing I pulled the right one, eh, prime minister? He he he he!

NIGEL Hey, hey. Psst!

PEACH Oh, Nigel. You just missed an extraction.

NIGEL Ooh! Has he loosened the periodontal ligament yet--oh, what I'm talkin' about!? Nemo! Where's Nemo? I gotta speak with him.

NEMO What? What is it?

NIGEL Your dad's been fighting the entire ocean looking for you.

NEMO My father? Really?

GILL Really?

NIGEL Oh yeah. He's travelled hundreds of miles. He's been battling sharks and jellyfish and all sorts of--

NEMO Sharks? That can't be him.

NIGEL Are you sure? What was his name? Some sort of sportfish or something: tuna, uh, trout..

NEMO Marlin?

NIGEL That's it! Marlin! The little clownfish from the reef.

NEMO It's my dad! He took on a shark!

NIGEL I heard he took on three.

DEB/BLOAT/GURGLE Three!?

GILL Three sharks!?

BLOAT That's gotta be forty eight hundred teeth!

NIGEL You see, kid, after you were taken by diver Dan over there, your dad followed the boat you were on like a maniac.

NEMO Really?

NIGEL He's swimming and he's swimming and he's giving it all he's got and then three gigantic sharks capture him and he blows them up! And then dives thousands of feet and gets chased by a monster with huge teeth! He ties this demon to a rock and what does he get for a reward? He gets to battle an entire jellyfish forest! And now he's riding with a bunch of sea turtles on the East Australian Current and the word is he's headed this way right now, to Sydney! 

                                              38

BLOAT Wow! Ha ha ha!

DEB Oh, what a good daddy!

GILL He was lookin' for you after all, Sharkbait.

GILL [gasps]

GURGLE He's swimming to the filter!

GILL [gasps] Sharkbait!

BLOAT Not again!

GILL Sharkbait!

DEB No!

GURGLE You've got your whole life ahead of you!

BLOAT Oh no!

GILL We'll help you, kid!

BLOAT Gotta get him out!

DEB Gimme that thing!

DEB Get him outta there!

GURGLE Come on, kid! Grab the end!

ALL [gasps]

DEB Sharkbait!

BLOAT Sharkbait! Are you okay!?

GURGLE No!

GILL Can you hear me, Sharkbait!? Nemo! Can you hear me!?

NEMO Yeah, I can hear you.

GILL Sharkbait, you did it!

GURGLE Sharkbait, you're--covered with germs! Aaaaaaah!!!

GILL That took guts, kid.

GILL 

                                              39

All right, gang. We have less than 48 hours before Darla gets here. This tank'll get plenty dirty in that time but we have to help it along any way we can. Jacques!

JACQUES Oui!

GILL No cleaning.

JACQUES I shall resist.

GILL Everybody else, be as gross as possible. Think dirty thoughts. We're gonna make this tank so filthy, the dentist'll have to clean it.

BLOAT [belch]

GILL Good work.

NEMO Ha ha ha ha!

==========================================================================

CRUSH All right, we're here, dudes! Get ready! Your exit's comin' up, man!

MARLIN Where!? I don't see it!

DORY Right there! I see it! I see it!

MARLIN You mean the swirling vortex of terror!?

CRUSH That's it, dude!

MARLIN Of course it is.

CRUSH Okay, first: find your exit buddy!

CRUSH Do you have your exit buddy?

DORY Yes!

CRUSH Okay, Squirt here will now give you a rundown of proper exiting technique!

SQUIRT Good afternoon, we're gonna have a great jump today! Okay, crank a hard cutback as you hit the wall! There's a screaming bottom turn, so watch out! Remember: rip it, roll it and punch it!

MARLIN It's like he's trying to speak to me, I know it! You know, you're really cute! But I don't know what you're saying! Say the first thing again!

CRUSH Okay, Jellyman! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

MARLIN/DORY Aaaaaaaaaah!!! Weeeeeeeeeeee!!! Whoooooooooooaaaaa!!! Aaaaaaaaaaah!!! Woohoooo!!! Whoooooaaa!!!

DORY Whoooo!

MARLIN 

                                            40

Ha ha ha ha! That was..fun! Ha ha! I actually enjoyed that!

DORY Hey, look! Turtles!

CRUSH Ha ha! Most excellent! Now, turn your fishy tails 'round and swim straight on through to Sydney! No worries, man!

MARLIN No worries! Thank you, dude Crush!

TURTLE KIDS Bye! Bye, Jellyman!

CRUSH You tell your little dude I said 'hi', okay?

SQUIRT See you later, dudes!

DORY Bye, everyone!

MARLIN Oh, Nemo would've loved this. Hey, ooh! Hey, Crush! Crush, I forgot! How old are you?

CRUSH Hundred and fifty, dude! And still young! Rock on!

MARLIN Hundred and fifty! Hundred and fifty, I gotta remember that.

DORY Whoa. We goin' in there?

MARLIN Yup.

DORY P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney?

MARLIN Yup. We're gonna just swim straight.

DORY [singing] Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

MARLIN Dory?

==========================================================================

MARLIN Boy, this is taking a while.

DORY Hey, how about we play a game?

MARLIN Okay.

DORY Uh, okay. I'm thinking of something, uh, orange. And it's small..

MARLIN It's me.

DORY Right. Okay..

DORY ..orange, and uh, small..

MARLIN It's me. 


                                              41

DORY All righty, Mr. Smarty Pants.

DORY ..orange and small, and white stripes..

MARLIN Me. And the next one's just a guess: me.

DORY Okay, that's just scary.

MARLIN W-w-wait, I have definitely seen this floating speck before. That means we've passed it before and that means we're going in circles and that means we're not going straight!

DORY Hey. Hey!

MARLIN We gotta get to the surface, come on! Let's figure it out up there. Let's go! Follow me! Wha--?

DORY Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! Relax. Take a deep breath. Now, let's ask somebody for directions.

MARLIN Oh, fine. Who do you wanna ask, the speck? There's nobody here!

DORY Well, there has to be someone. It's the ocean, silly, we're not the only two in here. Let's see...okay, no one there. Uhh, nope. Nada. [gasps] There's somebody. Hey! Excuse--

MARLIN Dory! Dory! Dory! Okay, now it's my turn. I'm thinking of something dark and mysterious. It's a fish we don't know. And if we ask it directions, it could ingest us and spit out our bones!

DORY What is it with men and asking for directions?

MARLIN Look, I don't wanna play the gender card right now. You wanna play a card? Let's play the 'Let's Not Die' card.

DORY You wanna get outta here, don't you?

MARLIN Of course, I do.

DORY Well then, how are we gonna do that unless we give it a shot and hope for the best? Hmmm? Hmmmm!? Come on, trust me on this.

MARLIN All right.

DORY Excuse me! Woohoo! Little fella? Hello. Don't be rude, say 'hi'.

MARLIN Ha..hello.

DORY His son Bingo..

MARLIN Nemo.

DORY ..Nemo, was taken to, uh..

MARLIN Sydney.

DORY 

                                            42

Sydney. Yes. And it's really, really important that we get there as fast as we can. So can you help us out? Come on, little fella. Come on.

MARLIN Dory, I'm a little fella. I don't think that's a little fella.

DORY Oh. Oh, oh, big fella. Big fe--whale. Okay. Maybe he only speaks whale. MOOOOO-WEEEEEEE-NEEEEED...

MARLIN Uh, Dory..what're you doing?

DORY TOOOOOOO-FIIIIIIND...

MARLIN What're you doing?

DORY HIS-SOOOOOOOOOOOON...

MARLIN Are you sure you speak whale?

DORY CAN-YOOOOOOOUUU-GIIIIIIIIIVE-USSSS-DIRECTIOOOOOOOONS-TOOOOOOOOO...

MARLIN Dory! Heaven knows what you're saying! See, he's swimming away.

DORY COOOME-BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

MARLIN He's not coming back. You offended him.

DORY Maybe a different dialect. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOOOOOAAAAAAAAAA..!

MARLIN Dory. Dory, this is not whale. You're speaking like..upset stomach.

DORY Maybe I should try humpback.

MARLIN No, don't try humpback.

DORY WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOO!!! WAAAAAAAAAOOOOOO!!!

MARLIN Okay, you actually sound sick.

DORY Maybe louder, huh? RAAAH!!! RAAAAH!!!

MARLIN Don't do that!

DORY Too much orca. Didn't it sound a little orca-ish?

MARLIN It doesn't sound orca! It sounds like nothing I've ever heard!

DORY MOOOO..MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

MARLIN It's just as well, he might be hungry.

DORY Don't worry. Whales don't eat clownfish, they eat krill.

KRILL 

                                            43

Swim away!

DORY Oh, look. Krill.

MARLIN Move, Dory! Move!

DORY Aah-aaah! Aaaaaaaaaah!

==========================================================================

GILL Look at that. Would you look at that? Filthy. Absolutely filthy. And it's all thanks to you, kid. You made it possible. Jacques, I said no cleaning!

JACQUES I am ashamed.

PEACH Hey, look. Scum angel.

GURGLE Aah! Aaaah! Ooh-ooh! Aaaaah!

BUBBLES Bubbles! I love the bubbles--! [coughs]

DEB Flo! Flo! Has anybody seen Flo? Flo!

PEACH Nine o' clock and cue dentist.

DENTIST Hello, Barbara. Sorry I'm late.

PEACH Okay. Okay, here we go. Here we go, okay.

DENTIST Little Davey Reynolds.

PEACH Okay. Walks to the counter, drops the keys..

GURGLE Bloat, that's disgusting!

BLOAT Tastes pretty good to me. [belch]

GURGLE Eww! Don't you people realize we are swimming in our own--

PEACH Shhh! Here he comes.

DENTIST Crikey, what a state. Oh. Barbara, what's my earliest appointment tomorrow?

BARBARA Uh, ten 'o clock, luv.

DENTIST Leave it open, would you? I gotta clean the fish tank before Darla gets here.

GILL He he! Did you hear that, Sharkbait?

NEMO Yay! He's gonna clean the tank! He's gonna clean the tank! We're gonna be clean!

GILL Are you ready to see your dad, kid? 


                                              44

NEMO Uh-huh.

GILL Of course you are. Y'know, I wouldn't be surprised if he's out there in the harbor waitin' for you right now.

NEMO Yeah.

==========================================================================

MARLIN Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Ooof!

DORY Ha~~haaa~~haaaaaaah! Whooo!

MARLIN Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

DORY Here comes a big one--whooooooo! Come on, you gotta try this!

MARLIN Would you just stop it!?

DORY Why? What's wrong?

MARLIN We're in a whale! Don't you get it!?

DORY A whale?

MARLIN A whale! 'Cause you had to ask for help! And now we're stuck here!

DORY Wow. A whale. You know I speak whale.

MARLIN No, you're insane! You can't speak whale! I have to get out! I have to find my son! I have to tell him how old sea turtles are! [sobs]

DORY Woo-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoo! Hey. You okay?

DORY There, there. It's all right. It'll be okay.

MARLIN No. No, it won't.

DORY Sure it will, you'll see.

MARLIN No. I promised him I'd never let anything happen to him.

DORY Huh. That's a funny thing to promise.

MARLIN What?

DORY Well, you can't never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.

DORY Hmm..

MARLIN What's going on? 


                                              45

DORY I don't know. I'll ask him. MMMWWHAAAAAAAAA! HUUUWHAAAAAAAAA..

MARLIN Dory. Dory.

MARLIN ..AAAAAAAAAAT'SSS-GOOIIIIIIING..

MARLIN Dory.

DORY ..OOOOOOOOONNN?

DORY I think he says we've stopped.

MARLIN Of course, we've stopped. Just stop trying to speak whale, you're gonna make things worse. [gasps] What is that noise? Oh no. Look what you did. The water's going down! It's-it's-it's going down!

DORY Really? You sure about that?

MARLIN Look, it's already half-empty!

DORY Hmm..I'd say it's half full.

MARLIN Stop that! It's half-empty!

DORY Okay, that one was a little tougher. He either said we should go to the back of the throat or he wants a root beer float.

MARLIN Of course he wants us to go there! That's eating us! How do I taste, Moby!? Huh!? Do I taste good!? You tell him I'm not interested in being lunch!

DORY Okay. HEEEEEEEEE--

MARLIN Stop talking to him--waaaah!

DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

MARLIN What is going on!?

DORY I'll check! WHAAAAAAA--!

MARLIN No! No more whale! You can't speak whale!

DORY Yes, I can!

MARLIN No, you can't! You think you could do these things but you can't, Nemo!

DORY Okay.

MARLIN Dory!

DORY He says it's time to let go! Everything's gonna be all right!

MARLIN 

                                            46

How do you know!? How do you know something bad isn't gonna happen!?

DORY I don't!

MARLIN/DORY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

MARLIN Ha ha ha! We're alive!

DORY Look! Sy-d-ney..Sydney! Uh, Sydney! Sydney again!

MARLIN You were right, Dory! We made it! We're gonna find my son!

MARLIN THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK-YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUU-SIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

DORY Wow. I wish I could speak whale.

MARLIN Okay. All we gotta do is find the boat that took him.

DORY Right!

MARLIN Come on, Dory. We can do this!

==========================================================================

PEACH [yawn] Morning. [gasps] It's morning, everyone! Today's the day! The sun is shining, the tank is clean and we are getting out of--[gasps]--the tank is clean. The tank is clean!

DEB But how?

GILL Boss must've installed it last night while we were sleepin'.

NEMO What're we gonna do?

GILL What's it say, Peach?

PEACH [muffled] The AquaScum two-thousand..

GILL I can't hear you, Peach.

PEACH 'The AquaScum 2003 is an all-purpose, self-cleaning maintenance free salt water purifier that is guaranteed to even extend the life of your aquarium fish'.

BLOAT [inflates] Stop it!

PEACH 'The AquaScum is programmed to scan your tank environment every 5 minutes'?

GURGLE Scan? What does that mean?

GURGLE Aaah!

AQUASCUM Temperature: 82 degrees. PH balance: normal.

ALL Oooooh. 

                                              47

PEACH Nice.

GURGLE Ooh..ah..curse you, AquaScum!

BLOAT That's it for the escape plan. It's ruined!

NEMO Then what're we gonna do about--

ALL [gasps] Darla!

GILL Stay down, kid!

BLOAT False alarm.

GURGLE My nerves can't take much more of this.

BLOAT What're we gonna do when that little brat gets here?

GILL I'm thinkin', I'm thinkin'.

NEMO Aaah! Oh! Gill!

GILL [gasps] Nemo!

NEMO Help me! Help me!

GILL Hold on! I'm comin'!

NEMO Help me!

GILL Swim down! Come on, kid! Swim down! Come on!

BLOAT Everybody jump in!

DEB Swim down!

GILL That's it!

DENTIST What the!?

ALL Yay!

GILL Good work!

NEMO Gill!

GILL [gasps] Nemo!

BLOAT Sharkbait!

GILL 

                                              48

Roll, kid! Lean! Lean!

DENTIST Whoops. That would've been a nasty fall.

NEMO Gill! Don't let me go belly up!

GILL Just calm down, Nemo.

NEMO Don't let me go belly up!

GILL You won't go belly up, I promise. You're gonna be okay.

ALL [gasps] Darla!

==========================================================================

DORY All right, do any of these boats look familiar to you?

MARLIN No, but the boat has to be here somewhere! Come on, Dory, we're gonna find it.

DORY I'm totally excited. [yawn] Are you excited? [yawn]

MARLIN Dory, wake up, wake up. Come on.

DORY [gasps] Duck!

MARLIN That's not a duck. It's a--pelican! Whooooaaaaah!

DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

MARLIN No! I didn't come this far to be breakfast!

PELICAN Hey, hey, Nigel. Heh, would you look at that?

NIGEL Huh? Wha-what?

PELICAN Sun's barely up and already Gerald's had more than he can handle.

NIGEL Yeah. Reckon somebody oughta help the poor guy.

PELICANS Yeah, yeah, right.

NIGEL Well, don't everybody fly off at once.

NIGEL All right, Gerald, what is it? Fish got your tongue?

DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

NIGEL Love a duck!

MARLIN I gotta find my son Nemo!

NIGEL 

                                             49

[gasps] Nemo? Hey, hey, hey! He's that fish! Y'know the one we were talking about! The one that's been fighting the whole ocean! Hey, I know where your son i--huh? Hey, wait! Come back! Stop!

MARLIN Dory, keep going! He's crazy!

NIGEL I got something to tell 'ya!

GULL Mine.

NIGEL Okay, don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth if you want to live.

MARLIN Hop in your mouth, huh? And how does that make me live?

GULL Mine.

NIGEL Because I can take you to your son.

MARLIN Yeah, right.

NIGEL No. I know your son. He's orange, he's got a gimpy fin on one side..

MARLIN That's Nemo!

GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

NIGEL Fasten your seatbelts!

GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

DORY Whoooooo! Woohooooo!

GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

DORY Ha-haaaa! Ha ha ha ha!

MARLIN Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

NIGEL Everybody hold on!

MARLIN/DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

==========================================================================

BUBBLES Aaaah! Too loud! Too loud for me!

DARLA [singing] Twinkle, twinkle little star.

PEACH Find a happy place, find a happy place, find a happy place! 

                                            50

BARBARA Darla, you're uncle will see you now.

DENTIST All right, let's see those pearly whites.

DARLA RAAAH! I'm a piranha. They're in the Amazon.

DENTIST And a piranha's a fish, just like your present.

DARLA [giggling] I get a fishy! Fishy, fishy, fishy!

DENTIST Oh no. Poor little guy.

BLOAT He's dead!

GILL Sharkbait!

DARLA Yay! Fishy, fishy, fishy!

DENTIST He he he! Must've left your present in the car, sweetie. Ha ha ha ha ha!

DARLA Awwwww.

DENTIST I'll go and get it.

GILL [gasps] He's still alive!

PEACH He's not dead!

BLOAT What's happening? Why is he playing dead?

GILL He's gonna get flushed down the toilet! He's gonna get outta here!

DEB Yay!

BLOAT He's gonna get flushed!

GURGLE What a smart little guy!

GILL Oh no, not the trash can!

BUBBLES Nemo! No!

NIGEL Hey! Hey! I found his dad!

MARLIN Where's Nemo!? Where is he!?

BLOAT Dentist! Dentist!

GILL He's over there!

MARLIN 

                                              51

What's a dentist!? What is that!? [gasps] Nigel, get in there!

NIGEL I can't go in there.

MARLIN Oh yes, you can! Charge!

DARLA Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

DENTIST What the--!? Darla, sweetie! Look out!

DARLA Aaaaaaaah!

DENTIST Hold still!

DARLA Aaaaaaaah!

DENTIST Easy! Easy!

DARLA Aaaaaaaah!

DENTIST Hold still! Nobody's going to hurt you! Oof!

MARLIN [gasps] Nemo.

DORY [gasps] Oh my goodness.

DENTIST Gotcha! Keep down!

MARLIN Nemo!

NEMO Daddy?

DENTIST Out with 'ya! And stay out!

NEMO Daddy!?

DARLA Fishy? Fishy! Wake up! Wake up!

DEB Oh no!

GILL Quick! To the top of Mt. Wannahockaloogie!

DARLA Why are you sleeping!?

PEACH Hurry!

GILL Bloat! Ring of Fire!

DARLA Fishy--aaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaah!

DENTIST What!? All the animals have gone mad! 


                                              52

DARLA Aaaaaaaah! Get it out!

GURGLE Smack her in the head!

BLOAT Go, Gill! Go!

DARLA Fish in my hair! Aaaaaaaah!

NEMO Gill.

GILL Sharkbait. Tell your dad..I said..hi. Go get 'em.

DENTIST Ooooh. [gasps]

BLOAT He did it! Ha ha!

DEB Yay!

BUBBLES I'm so happy!

GURGLE Is he gonna be okay, Gill?

GILL Don't worry. All drains lead to the ocean.

DARLA Fishy!

NEMO Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Daddy!

==========================================================================

NIGEL I'm, I'm so sorry. Truly, I am.

DORY Hey..

MARLIN Dory. If it wasn't for you, I never even would have made it here. So, thank you.

DORY Hey! Hey, wait a minute. W-w-wait! Where are you going?

MARLIN It's over, Dory. We were too late. Nemo's gone and I'm going home now.

DORY No..no, you can't! Stop! Please don't go away. Please? No one's ever stuck with me for so long before. And if you leave, if you leave...I just, I remember things better with you. I do. Look, P. Sherman, 42..40..2..agh! I remember it, I do. It's there, I know it is because when I look at you, I can feel it. And I, I look at you and...I'm home. Please. I don't want them to go away. I don't wanna forget.

MARLIN I'm sorry, Dory, but I do.

==========================================================================

CRAB 1 Manna from heavens!

CRAB 2 Sweet nectar of life! 


                                            53

CRAB 1/CRAB 2 Hey! Hey, hey! Hey!

CRAB 1 This is our spot!

CRAB 2 Go on! Get outta here!

CRAB 1/CRAB 2 Hey, hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

CRAB 1 Yeah, that's it fella! Just keep on swimmin', you got that!

CRAB 2 Too right, mate! Oh, Oh! I got a live one here!

NEMO Hey, have you seen my dad?

CRAB 2 Gotcha! Hey! Hey! Come back here!

CRAB 1 You let 'im go!

CRAB 1/CRAB 2 Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

NEMO Dad! Dad! Dad!

DORY Aah! No!

NEMO Um, excuse me. Are you all right?

DORY I don't know where I am! I don't know what's going on, I think I lost somebody but I, I can't remember.

NEMO It's okay, it's okay. I'm looking for someone too. Hey, we can look together.

DORY I'm Dory.

NEMO I'm Nemo.

DORY Nemo? That's a nice name.

==========================================================================

NEMO Dad!

DORY Dad!

NEMO Dad!

DORY Dad! Wait a minute, is it your dad or my dad?

NEMO My dad.

DORY Got it. Dad!

NEMO Where are we, anyway? 

                                            54

DORY Dad! Dad! Oh. S-ss-syl--shi--Sydney. [gasps] 'P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney'.

DORY Aaaaah! Nemo! It's you! Aaaaaah! You're Nemo!

NEMO [muffled] Yes! Yes! I'm Nemo!

DORY Oh! You're Nemo! [gasps] You were dead! I saw you! And then I--[gasps], here you are! I found you! You're not dead! And your father--[gasps]! Your father!

NEMO My father!? You know my father!? Where is he!?

DORY [gasps] This way! He went this way! Quick!

DORY Hey! Hey, hey! Hey!

CRAB 1/CRAB 2 Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

DORY Hey! Have you seen an orange fish swim by? It looks just like him!

NEMO But bigger!

CRAB 2 Yeah, I saw 'im, bluey! But I'm not tellin' you where he went. And there's no way you're gonna make me!

GULL Mine.

CRAB Huh!? Aaaah! All right! I'll talk! I'll talk! He went to the fishing grounds! Aaaaah!

GULLS Mine!Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

==========================================================================

FISH Hey! Look out!

MARLIN Sorry. Just trying to get home.

NEMO Dad! Dad!

MARLIN Nemo?

NEMO Daddy!

MARLIN Nemo?

NEMO Dad!

DORY Nemo's alive!

MARLIN Dory? [gasps] Nemo!

NEMO Daddy! 


                                            55

MARLIN Nemo! I'm coming, Nemo!

NEMO Dad!

MARLIN Nemo!

NEMO Dad!

MARLIN Oh, thank goodness! It's all right, son. It's gonna be okay.

FISH Turn around! You're going the wrong way! Aaaaaaaaaaah!

DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Look out!

MARLIN Move! Move!

FISH Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

DORY Help! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

MARLIN Dory!

NEMO Come on!

DORY Heeeeeeeelp!!! Help!

NEMO Dory!

DORY Help! Get us out! Aaaaaaaah!

MARLIN No, no, no! No! Dory!

NEMO Dad! I know what to do!

MARLIN Nemo! No!

NEMO We have to tell all the fish to swim down together!

MARLIN Get out of there, now!

NEMO I know this will work!

MARLIN No, I am not gonna lose you again!

NEMO Dad, there's no time! It's the only way we can save Dory! I can do this!

MARLIN You're right. I know you can.

NEMO Lucky fin!

MARLIN Now go! Hurry! 

                                            56

NEMO Tell all of the fish to swim down!

MARLIN Well!? You heard my son! Come on!

NEMO Dory!

DORY [gasps]

NEMO You have to tell everybody to..

MARLIN ..swim down together! Do you understand what I'm saying to you!? Swim down!

DORY Everybody swim down!

NEMO Come on! You have to swim down!

DORY Swim down, okay?

NEMO Swim..

MARLIN down! Swim down! Swim down! Swim down!

MARLIN Don't give up! Keep swimming! Just keep swimming!

NEMO It's working!

FISH Keep swimming! Keep swimming! Keep swimming!

MARLIN Just keep swimming! Keep swimming!

NEMO Come on, dad!

MARLIN You're doing great, son!

NEMO That's my dad!

MARLIN Come on! Let's get to the bottom! Keep swimming!

DORY [singing] Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

MARLIN Almost there! Keep swimming!

FISH Keep swimming! Keep swimming! Keep swimming! Keep swimming! Yay!

MARLIN Oww!

DORY Hey!

MARLIN Dory! Where's Nemo!?

DORY 

                                              57

[gasps] There!

MARLIN Oh no. Nemo!

MARLIN Nemo? Nemo? It's okay. Daddy's here, daddy's got you.

NEMO [coughs] Daddy?

MARLIN Oh, thank goodness.

NEMO Dad...I don't hate you.

MARLIN No, no, no. I'm so sorry, Nemo.

MARLIN Hey, guess what?

NEMO What?

MARLIN Sea turtles? I met one! And he was a hundred and fifty years old.

NEMO Hundred and fifty?

MARLIN Yep.

NEMO 'Cause Sandy Plankton said they only live to be a hundred.

MARLIN Sandy Plankton? Do you think I would cross the entire ocean and not know as much as Sandy Plankton!?

NEMO Ha ha ha ha!

MARLIN He was a hundred and fifty! Not one hundred! Who is this Sandy Plankton who knows everything?

==========================================================================

MARLIN Time for school! Time for school! Get up! Let's go! Go!

MARLIN I'm gonna win!

NEMO No, you're not! I did it! Woohoo! Ha ha ha!

MARLIN Oh! My own son beats me!

MR. RAY Climb aboard, explorers!

MARLIN So just then, the sea cucumber looks over to the mollusk and says : 'with fronds like these, who needs anemones?'!

BOB/TED/BILL Haaa-ha ha ha ha ha ha!

MR. RAY Well, hello, Nemo! Who's this?

NEMO Exchange student. 

                                             58

SQUIRT I'm from the EAC, dude!

MR. RAY Sweet.

NEMO/SQUIRT Totally.

BOB But seriously, Marty, did you really do all the things you say you did?

BRUCE Uh, pardon me.

BOB/TED/BILL [gasps]

BRUCE Hello.

TED Ohh!

BRUCE Don't be alarmed.

ANCHOR Oh, we just wanna make sure that our newest member got home safe.

DORY Thanks, guys.

BRUCE Well, we'll see you next week.

CHUM Keep up with the program, Dory.

ANCHOR Remember: fish are friends..

DORY ..not food! Bye!

MR. RAY Hold on! Here we go! Next up, knowledge!

MARLIN Bye, son! Have fun!

NEMO Bye, dad! Oh! Oh, Mr. Ray! Wait. I forgot something.

NEMO Love you, dad.

MARLIN I love you too, son.

NEMO Uh, dad, you can let go now.

MARLIN Sorry! Now go have an adventure!

SQUIRT Goodbye! See you later, dudes!

DORY Bye, Elmo!

MARLIN Nemo.

DORY 

                                            59

Nemo! Bye, Nemo!

NEMO See you after school, Dory! Bye, dad!

MARLIN Bye, son.

==========================================================================

DENTIST Barbara?

BARBARA Uh-huh?

DENTIST I don't understand it. Here this thing has a lifetime guarantee and it breaks! Had to clean the tank myself, take all the fish out, put 'em in bags and---where'd the fish go?

GILL Come on, Peach!

DEB Hurry!

GILL You can do it!

BLOAT Yeah, that's it! You can do it!

GURGLE Just a little further!

PEACH That's the shortest red light I've ever seen!

BLOAT Come on, Peach!

PEACH Oooh--aaaaah!

ALL Yay! We did it! Ha ha ha ha ha!

BLOAT Now what?


== [The music Reminded by Drowning Pool plays]

Bardock: Frieza! I'm coming for you, you murderous self-serving traitor! It's over!

Frieza's soldiers: All hail, Lord Frieza!

Bardock: [Chuckling] No way, Frieza. You lived long enough! Actually it's been too long far for my taste. Frieza, listen up! We quit! All of us! Got it!? We don't work for you anymore! We're free! You can find someone else to do your dirty work! Oh yeah! [Chuckling] There's one last thing... [Charges a Final Spirit Cannon]

Narrator: Deployed on a routine military operation, the Saiyan baby Kakarot flies toward Earth, missing the deadly surprise attack on his home planet. His father Bardock confronts the assailants, Frieza and his entire army, alone.

Bardock: This is for all the people we killed in your name! Here, have it! [launches a Final Spirit Cannon]

Frieza: [Evil Laughter]

[uses his Death Ball, as the Final Spirit Cannon has no effect on the Death Ball]

Bardock: No way!

[Everyone screams, as Bardock gets hit by the Death Ball, causing his armor to disintegrate; inside a nearby spaceship, Cooler and his henchmen watch Bardock's death]

Dore: That's the guy right there, Bardock.

Salza: He doesn't look so frightening to me. Anyway, he's space dust now. And there goes the whole monkey farm. Now, this is light entertainment. [Salza notices Goku in his space pod.]

Hm? What's this? Someone's getting away! Magnify the image!

Neiz: Right, I'm on it Salza!

Salza: I want an interior view as well!

Neiz: That's it, got it.

Salza: Where does he think he's going?!

Neiz: It looks like he's heading towards a planet called Earth! Intercept course?

Salza: Yes.

Cooler: Belay that order.

Doore: Sire!

Neiz: Yes sir!

Salza: But.. someone is escaping!

Cooler: Frieza is the one in charge of this quadrant, let him clean up his own mess. I've got seven planets to destroy by the end of the day. Why should I allow myself to get behind schedule just to cover his mistake?

Besides, he's just a Saiyan child. He's no threat to us. [Cooler stares at Frieza laughing on the monitor.]

Ah, look at him! What foolishness! He's so pleased with that himself he's blinded by his arrogant pride! That could be King Vegeta on that space pod for all he knows!

You've got a lot to learn, brother. Let's get out of here!

[Opening]

[at Roshi's Island, Goku trains and launches Kamehameha on the water]

Master Roshi: Look at that! I can see clear to the main land, Goku! That's amazing!

Goku: Awesome huh? Watch this. I can make the walls go higher!

Master Roshi (thinking to himself): Remarkable. He's never trained harder, but he's so relaxed and talkative about it. Beating Frieza changed him.

[[[Goku's House]]]

Gohan: [Doing work] There... divide that by 10...

Chi-Chi: Hi! I thought my little scholar might be thirsty. Here's some tea. [Notices Icarus in window] Hm? Hey! What do think you're doing? I know what you're up to. Now you get out of here.

Goku: Icarus, leave Gohan alone, he's trying to finish his homework.

Chi-Chi: What? Did you hear what your father just said? He told Icarus to leave you alone because you were doing your... homework. Goku? Are you feeling ok, honey?

Goku: Oh yeah, I'm feeling just fine.

Chi-Chi: Are you sure you don't have a fever, Goku? You sound a little strange.

Goku: No, I feel great. I just want Gohan to finish his homework.

Chi-Chi: Yep, I knew it, I knew it. Goku has never cared if you finish your homework. Gohan, I'm afraid there's something seriously wrong with your father. I wonder if all this fighting has finally knocked a few screws loose in Goku's head. That's it! He must have bruised his brain...


Gohan: Betcha never thought you could fly this fast. Did ya? [Giggling, as Salza, Neiz and Dore pop out]

Salza: So, going somewhere, monkey boy?

Gohan: Uh oh! Icarus, let's get out of here, quick!

Dore: Let em have it, Salza!

Neiz: [Laughing]

[Salza launches his Finger Beam attack on Icarus' wings as Gohan loses control, and the music Falling Down by Breaking Point plays]

Gohan: It's okay I gotcha. [Dore kicks Gohan causing Icarus to fall in the woods] Icarus! [The Armored Squadron hit Gohan causing Dore to grab Gohan}

Dore: [chuckling] Huh? Hey, whatcha got in the bag there, monkey boy. [uses his hands to get the bad] Give it here. Give it. Alright! That's it! You're going bye-bye, kid! [Gohan growls in frustration] I call this mine can-opener with your attack. [he gets blasted in the back by an energy blast]

Neiz: Dore!

Dore: Who did that!?

Piccolo: That would be me!

Salza: A Namek? Out here?

Dore: [about Planet Namek] Why isn't that toad on his own world where he belongs?

Neiz: Frieza blew it up.

Dore: Oh, oh yeah. Yeah.

Gohan: Yeah. Piccolo.

Dore: [to Piccolo] It's all over for you, Namek! You're going to die!

Piccolo: Not likely. [takes off his turban] I've seen you fight.

Dore: I'M GOING RIP YOU APART!!! [Launches up and punches Piccolo's cape] Where'd he go!

[Piccolo appears and hits Dore in the helmet causing him to fall to the ground]

Dore: DARN IT!! I...CAN'T... [blasts Doore, he screams and dies and explodes]

Neiz: Dore. [to Piccolo] You're dead! [growls in frustration, when using a pink shock wave with Piccolo fighting with Salza] Have it! [blasts Piccolo]

Salza: [Evil laughter] You look like a buch of dear caught in the headlights! [Laughs evilly] You lose suckers! Now die! [Piccolo launches a Special Beam Cannon and shot Salza in the back, as he starts gasping, and falls over]

Goku and Krillin: Huh?

Gohan: I don't see him. [giggles] Piccolo! I know you're there! Come out! Piccolo!

[later, Piccolo drinks water, and regenerates as the song Phoneix by Breaking Point plays]

[Credits]


SEINFIEEEEEEELDLEDLELDE

According to all known laws of aviation,


there is no way a bee should be able to fly.


Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.


The bee, of course, flies anyway


because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.


Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.


Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.


Barry! Breakfast is ready!


Ooming!


Hang on a second.


Hello?


- Barry? - Adam?


- Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.


Looking sharp.


Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.


Sorry. I'm excited.


Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.


A perfect report card, all B's.


Very proud.


Ma! I got a thing going here.


- You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!


- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!


Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!


- Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry.


- Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation.


Never thought I'd make it.


Three days grade school, three days high school.


Those were awkward.


Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive.


You did come back different.


- Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.


- Hear about Frankie? - Yeah.


- You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going.


Everybody knows, sting someone, you die.


Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead.


I guess he could have just gotten out of the way.


I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day.


That's why we don't need vacations.


Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances.


- Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are!


- Bee-men. - Amen!


Hallelujah!


Students, faculty, distinguished bees,


please welcome Dean Buzzwell.


Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of...


...9:15.


That concludes our ceremonies.


And begins your career at Honex Industries!


Will we pick ourjob today?


I heard it's just orientation.


Heads up! Here we go.


Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times.


- Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary.


Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco


and a part of the Hexagon Group.


This is it!


Wow.


Wow.


We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life


to get to the point where you can work for your whole life.


Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.


Our top-secret formula


is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured


into this soothing sweet syrup


with its distinctive golden glow you know as...


Honey!


- That girl was hot. - She's my cousin!


- She is? - Yes, we're all cousins.


- Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive


to improve every aspect of bee existence.


These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology.


- What do you think he makes? - Not enough.


Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman.


- What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey


that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions.


Oan anyone work on the Krelman?


Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know


that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot.


But choose carefully


because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life.


The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that.


What's the difference?


You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off


in 27 million years.


So you'll just work us to death?


We'll sure try.


Wow! That blew my mind!


"What's the difference?" How can you say that?


One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make.


I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life.


But, Adam, how could they never have told us that?


Why would you question anything? We're bees.


We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth.


You ever think maybe things work a little too well here?


Like what? Give me one example.


I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about.


Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach.


Wait a second. Oheck it out.


- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow.


I've never seen them this close.


They know what it's like outside the hive.


Yeah, but some don't come back.


- Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks!


You guys did great!


You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!


- I wonder where they were. - I don't know.


Their day's not planned.


Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what.


You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that.


Right.


Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime.


It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it.


Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it.


Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too?


Distant. Distant.


Look at these two.


- Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them.


It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock.


Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom!


He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me!


- Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out.


What were you doing during this?


Trying to alert the authorities.


I can autograph that.


A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades?


Yeah. Gusty.


We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow.


- Six miles, huh? - Barry!


A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it.


- Maybe I am. - You are not!


We're going 0900 at J-Gate.


What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough?


I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means.


Hey, Honex!


Dad, you surprised me.


You decide what you're interested in?


- Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one.


Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day?


Son, let me tell you about stirring.


You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around.


You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing.


You know, Dad, the more I think about it,


maybe the honey field just isn't right for me.


You were thinking of what, making balloon animals?


That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger.


Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey!


- Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny.


You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer!


- You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me!


Wait till you see the sticks I have.


I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!


Let's open some honey and celebrate!


Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae.


Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!


I'm so proud.


- We're starting work today! - Today's the day.


Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone.


Yeah, right.


Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal...


- Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left!


One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side.


- What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar!


Wow!


Oouple of newbies?


Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!


Make your choice.


- You want to go first? - No, you go.


Oh, my. What's available?


Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think.


- Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on.


I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.


Wax monkey's always open.


The Krelman opened up again.


What happened?


A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one.


Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.


Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life!


Oh, this is so hard!


Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,


humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,


mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry?


Barry!


All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine...


What happened to you? Where are you?


- I'm going out. - Out? Out where?


- Out there. - Oh, no!


I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life.


You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?


Another call coming in.


If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd


that gets their roses today.


Hey, guys.


- Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?


Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.


It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.


Really? Feeling lucky, are you?


Sign here, here. Just initial that.


- Thank you. - OK.


You got a rain advisory today,


and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain.


So be careful. As always, watch your brooms,


hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats.


Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us.


Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada!


- That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies,


bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans!


All right, launch positions!


Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!


Black and yellow!


Hello!


You ready for this, hot shot?


Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.


Wind, check.


- Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check.


- Wings, check. - Stinger, check.


Scared out of my shorts, check.


OK, ladies,


let's move it out!


Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers!


All of you, drain those flowers!


Wow! I'm out!


I can't believe I'm out!


So blue.


I feel so fast and free!


Box kite!


Wow!


Flowers!


This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual.


Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.


Roses!


30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.


Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick.


That is one nectar collector!


- Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir.


I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there,


a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic.


That's amazing. Why do we do that?


That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.


Oool.


I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?


Oopy that visual.


Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move.


Say again? You're reporting a moving flower?


Affirmative.


That was on the line!


This is the coolest. What is it?


I don't know, but I'm loving this color.


It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it.


Yeah, fuzzy.


Ohemical-y.


Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.


My sweet lord of bees!


Oandy-brain, get off there!


Problem!


- Guys! - This could be bad.


Affirmative.


Very close.


Gonna hurt.


Mama's little boy.


You are way out of position, rookie!


Ooming in at you like a missile!


Help me!


I don't think these are flowers.


- Should we tell him? - I think he knows.


What is this?!


Match point!


You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it!


Yowser!


Gross.


There's a bee in the car!


- Do something! - I'm driving!


- Hi, bee. - He's back here!


He's going to sting me!


Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze!


He blinked!


Spray him, Granny!


What are you doing?!


Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable.


I gotta get home.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!


Ken, could you close the window please?


Ken, could you close the window please?


Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure.


You see? Folds out.


Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.


What was that?


Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This...


Drapes!


That is diabolical.


It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.


What's number one? Star Wars?


Nah, I don't go for that...


...kind of stuff.


No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds.


When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.


There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.


I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it.


I predicted global warming.


I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me.


Wait! Stop! Bee!


Stand back. These are winter boots.


Wait!


Don't kill him!


You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me!


Why does his life have less value than yours?


Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement?


I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling.


My brochure!


There you go, little guy.


I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing.


Put that on your resume brochure.


My whole face could puff up.


Make it one of your special skills.


Knocking someone out is also a special skill.


Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.


- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.


- You could put carob chips on there. - Bye.


- Supposed to be less calories. - Bye.


I gotta say something.


She saved my life. I gotta say something.


All right, here it goes.


Nah.


What would I say?


I could really get in trouble.


It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human.


I can't believe I'm doing this.


I've got to.


Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!


No. Yes. No.


Do it. I can't.


How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good.


Here she comes! Speak, you fool!


Hi!


I'm sorry.


- You're talking. - Yes, I know.


You're talking!


I'm so sorry.


No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming.


But I don't recall going to bed.


Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting.


This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee!


I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this,


but they were all trying to kill me.


And if it wasn't for you...


I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised.


That was a little weird.


- I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah.


I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me!


I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now.


- Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What?


The talking thing.


Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.


- That's very funny. - Yeah.


Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with.


Anyway...


Oan I...


...get you something? - Like what?


I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee?


I don't want to put you out.


It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.


- It's just coffee. - I hate to impose.


- Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup.


Hey, you want rum cake?


- I shouldn't. - Have some.


- No, I can't. - Oome on!


I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.


- Where? - These stripes don't help.


You look great!


I don't know if you know anything about fashion.


Are you all right?


No.


He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison.


He finally gets there.


He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on.


And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan.


Why would I marry a watermelon?"


Is that a bee joke?


That's the kind of stuff we do.


Yeah, different.


So, what are you gonna do, Barry?


About work? I don't know.


I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want.


I know how you feel.


- You do? - Sure.


My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.


- Really? - My only interest is flowers.


Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan.


Anyway, if you look...


There's my hive right there. See it?


You're in Sheep Meadow!


Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!


No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once.


- Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not?


- It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that.


- You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine.


Just having two cups of coffee!


Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee.


Yeah, it's no trouble.


Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life.


Are you...?


Oan I take a piece of this with me?


Sure! Here, have a crumb.


- Thanks! - Yeah.


All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around.


Or not.


OK, Barry.


And thank you so much again... for before.


Oh, that? That was nothing.


Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...


This can't possibly work.


He's all set to go. We may as well try it.


OK, Dave, pull the chute.


- Sounds amazing. - It was amazing!


It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life.


Humans! I can't believe you were with humans!


Giant, scary humans! What were they like?


Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.


They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy.


- Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't.


- How'd you get back? - Poodle.


You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see.


You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal.


- Well... - Well?


Well, I met someone.


You did? Was she Bee-ish?


- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp.


- Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders.


I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all.


I can't get by that face.


So who is she?


She's... human.


No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law.


- Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy.


She's so nice. And she's a florist!


Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!


We're not dating.


You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes


with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite!


She saved my life! And she understands me.


This is over!


Eat this.


This is not over! What was that?


- They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey!


And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat!


- You know what a Oinnabon is? - No.


It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up...


Sit down!


...really hot! - Listen to me!


We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them!


Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning?


There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me!


You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee!


- Thinking bee. - Thinking bee.


Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


There he is. He's in the pool.


You know what your problem is, Barry?


I gotta start thinking bee?


How much longer will this go on?


It's been three days! Why aren't you working?


I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about.


What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee!


Would it kill you to make a little honey?


Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you.


Martin, would you talk to him?


Barry, I'm talking to you!


You coming?


Got everything?


All set!


Go ahead. I'll catch up.


Don't be too long.


Watch this!


Vanessa!


- We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him.


He doesn't respond to yelling!


- Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen!


I'm not listening to this.


Sorry, I've gotta go.


- Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend.


A girl? Is this why you can't decide?


Bye.


I just hope she's Bee-ish.


They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena?


To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream!


Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering.


A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events?


No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere?


It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster.


Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn.


TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane!


You don't have that?


We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease.


Oh, my.


Dumb bees!


You must want to sting all those jerks.


We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us.


So you have to watch your temper.


Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk,


write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion:


Anger, jealousy, lust.


Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?


Yeah.


- What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug.


He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep!


What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?


Yeah, it was. How did you know?


It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.


You've really got that down to a science.


- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet.


What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this?


How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,


Ray Liotta Private Select?


- Is he that actor? - I never heard of him.


- Why is this here? - For people. We eat it.


You don't have enough food of your own?


- Well, yes. - How do you get it?


- Bees make it. - I know who makes it!


And it's hard to make it!


There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing!


- It's organic. - It's our-ganic!


It's just honey, Barry.


Just what?!


Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing!


You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have!


And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this.


I'm getting to the bottom of all of this!


Hey, Hector.


- You almost done? - Almost.


He is here. I sense it.


Well, I guess I'll go home now


and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around.


You're busted, box boy!


I knew I heard something. So you can talk!


I can talk. And now you'll start talking!


Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier?


I don't understand. I thought we were friends.


The last thing we want to do is upset bees!


You're too late! It's ours now!


You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword!


You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio!


Where is the honey coming from?


Tell me where!


Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!


Orazy person!


What horrible thing has happened here?


These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now


they're on the road to nowhere!


Just keep still.


What? You're not dead?


Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed?


To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here.


I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off!


I'm going to Tacoma.


- And you? - He really is dead.


All right.


Uh-oh!


- What is that?! - Oh, no!


- A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade?


Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!


Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?!


How much do you people need to see?!


Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window!


From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell.


But don't kill no more bugs!


- Bee! - Moose blood guy!!


- You hear something? - Like what?


Like tiny screaming.


Turn off the radio.


Whassup, bee boy?


Hey, Blood.


Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see.


Wow!


I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it.


I mean, that honey's ours.


- Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in.


It's a close community.


Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own.


- What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble.


Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack!


At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls.


Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly.


Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.


You got to be kidding me!


Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee!


- Hey, guys! - Mooseblood!


I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw?


We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit.


What is this place?


A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead.


They are pinheads!


Pinhead.


- Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.


The Thomas 3000!


Smoker?


Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar.


A couple breaths of this knocks them right out.


They make the honey, and we make the money.


"They make the honey, and we make the money"?


Oh, my!


What's going on? Are you OK?


Yeah. It doesn't last too long.


Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls?


Our queen was moved here. We had no choice.


This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes!


That's a drag queen!


What is this?


Oh, no!


There's hundreds of them!


Bee honey.


Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale!


This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something.


Oh, Barry, stop.


Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor.


Do these look like rumors?


That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos.


How did you get mixed up in this?


He's been talking to humans.


- What? - Talking to humans?!


He has a human girlfriend. And they make out!


Make out? Barry!


We do not.


- You wish you could. - Whose side are you on?


The bees!


I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night.


Barry, this is what you want to do with your life?


I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees!


Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked


your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop.


I remember that.


What right do they have to our honey?


We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!


Even if it's true, what can one bee do?


Sting them where it really hurts.


In the face! The eye!


- That would hurt. - No.


Up the nose? That's a killer.


There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters.


Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source.


No more bee beards!


With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.


Weather with Storm Stinger.


Sports with Buzz Larvi.


And Jeanette Ohung.


- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung.


A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,


intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey,


packaging it and profiting from it illegally!


Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,


we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book,


Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon.


Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.


Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"?


Bees have never been afraid to change the world.


What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?


Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.


We were thinking of stickball or candy stores.


How old are you?


The bee community is supporting you in this case,


which will be the trial of the bee century.


You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too.


It's a common name. Next week...


He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots...


Next week...


Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em.


Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live.


Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish.


In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness!


It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.


Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that?


Quiet, please. Actual work going on here.


- Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is!


I'm helping him sue the human race.


- Hello. - Hello, bee.


This is Ken.


Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.


Why does he talk again?


Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working.


But it's our yogurt night!


Bye-bye.


Why is yogurt night so difficult?!


You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours!


Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help.


- Frosting... - How many sugars?


Just one. I try not to use the competition.


So why are you helping me?


Bees have good qualities.


And it takes my mind off the shop.


Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now.


Those are great, if you're three.


And artificial flowers.


- Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too.


Bent stingers, pointless pollination.


Bees must hate those fake things!


Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done.


Maybe this could make up for it a little bit.


- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess.


You sure you want to go through with it?


Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able


to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty!


It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan,


where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history,


we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak.


What have we gotten into here, Barry?


It's pretty big, isn't it?


I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day.


You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers?


Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade.


- What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill.


Well, if it isn't the bee team.


You boys work on this?


All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding.


All right. Oase number 4475,


Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry


is now in session.


Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively?


A privilege.


Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world?


I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed.


Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please.


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,


my grandmother was a simple woman.


Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right


to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us.


If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines,


just think of what would it mean.


I would have to negotiate with the silkworm


for the elastic in my britches!


Talking bee!


How do we know this isn't some sort of


holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry?


They could be using laser beams!


Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know,


he could be on steroids!


Mr. Benson?


Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here.


I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me.


It's important to all bees. We invented it!


We make it. And we protect it with our lives.


Unfortunately, there are some people in this room


who think they can take it from us


'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over,


you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have


but everything we are!


I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice!


Oall your first witness.


So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have.


I suppose so.


I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron!


Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms.


Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term.


I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you?


- No. - I couldn't hear you.


- No. - No.


Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that,


it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey.


They're very lovable creatures.


Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.


You mean like this?


Bears kill bees!


How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?!


Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows!


OK, that's enough. Take him away.


So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me.


- Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police.


But you've never been a police officer, have you?


No, I haven't.


No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example


of bee culture casually stolen by a human


for nothing more than a prance-about stage name.


Oh, please.


Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?


Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting.


Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!


That's not his real name?! You idiots!


Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on


your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005.


Thank you. Thank you.


I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome


with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow.


I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?


Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you?


Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't


have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir?


Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now!


This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella!


Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?!


- Order in this court! - You're all thinking it!


Order! Order, I say!


- Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down!


I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that.


I think the jury's on our side.


Are we doing everything right, legally?


I'm a florist.


Right. Well, here's to a great team.


To a great team!


Well, hello.


- Ken! - Hello.


I didn't think you were coming.


No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery.


I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.


Oh, that was lucky.


There's a little left. I could heat it up.


Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.


So I hear you're quite a tennis player.


I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby.


That's where I usually sit. Right... there.


Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,


and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill.


You think I don't see what you're doing?


I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common.


Do we?


Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out.


That's just what I was thinking about doing.


Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.


I'm going to drain the old stinger.


Yeah, you do that.


Look at that.


You know, I've just about had it


with your little mind games.


- What's that? - Italian Vogue.


Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.


A lot of ads.


Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine?


Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!


I think something stinks in here!


I love the smell of flowers.


How do you like the smell of flames?!


Not as much.


Water bug! Not taking sides!


Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic!


I've got issues!


Well, well, well, a royal flush!


- You're bluffing. - Am I?


Surf's up, dude!


Poo water!


That bowl is gnarly.


Except for those dirty yellow rings!


Kenneth! What are you doing?!


You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it!


We need to talk!


He's just a little bee!


And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time!


Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life?


No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them!


Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...


My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster!


Goodbye, Ken.


And for your information,


I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man!


I'm sorry about all that.


I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it!


I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me.


I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well.


Are you OK for the trial?


I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas.


We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.


Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers...


Yeah.


Layton, you've gotta weave some magic


with this jury, or it's gonna be all over.


Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around


is to remind them of what they don't like about bees.


- You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic?


Only to losing, son. Only to losing.


Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know.


What exactly is your relationship


to that woman?


We're friends.


- Good friends? - Yes.


How good? Do you live together?


Wait a minute...


Are you her little...


...bedbug?


I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand,


doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children?


- Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents!


- Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are!


Hold me back!


You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson?


He's denouncing bees!


Don't y'all date your cousins?


- Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy!


Adam, don't! It's what he wants!


Oh, I'm hit!!


Oh, lordy, I am hit!


Order! Order!


The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins!


I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction!


You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages!


Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way!


- Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs.


What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison


from my heaving buttocks?


I will have order in this court. Order!


Order, please!


The case of the honeybees versus the human race


took a pointed turn against the bees


yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery.


- Hey, buddy. - Hey.


- Is there much pain? - Yeah.


I...


I blew the whole case, didn't I?


It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died.


I'd be better off dead. Look at me.


They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.


Look, there's a little celery still on it.


What was it like to sting someone?


I can't explain it. It was all...


All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy!


All right.


You think it was all a trap?


Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this.


What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world.


What will the humans do to us if they win?


I don't know.


I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad.


Adam, they check in, but they don't check out!


Oh, my.


Oould you get a nurse to close that window?


- Why? - The smoke.


Bees don't smoke.


Right. Bees don't smoke.


Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking.


That's it! That's our case!


It is? It's not over?


Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.


Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can.


And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.


Mr. Flayman.


Yes? Yes, Your Honor!


Where is the rest of your team?


Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.


Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,


and as a result, we don't make very good time.


I actually heard a funny story about...


Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs


taken up enough of this court's valuable time?


How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on?


They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges


against my clients, who run legitimate businesses.


I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case!


Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going


to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion.


But you can't! We have a terrific case.


Where is your proof? Where is the evidence?


Show me the smoking gun!


Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun?


Here is your smoking gun.


What is that?


It's a bee smoker!


What, this? This harmless little contraption?


This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee.


Look at what has happened


to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?"


Is this what nature intended for us?


To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines


and man-made wooden slat work camps?


Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man?


- What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card.


Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


Free the bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


The court finds in favor of the bees!


Vanessa, we won!


I knew you could do it! High-five!


Sorry.


I'm OK! You know what this means?


All the honey will finally belong to the bees.


Now we won't have to work so hard all the time.


This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson.


You'll regret this.


Barry, how much honey is out there?


All right. One at a time.


Barry, who are you wearing?


My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants.


- What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean?


We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years.


Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement?


First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps.


Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with,


every last drop.


We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more


than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine.


We're all aware of what they do in the woods.


Wait for my signal.


Take him out.


He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine.


And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames...


But it's just a prance-about stage name!


...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products


and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments.


Oan't breathe.


Bring it in, boys!


Hold it right there! Good.


Tap it.


Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming!


- I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down.


Shut down honey production!


Stop making honey!


Turn your key, sir!


What do we do now?


Oannonball!


We're shutting honey production!


Mission abort.


Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base.


Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there.


Oh, yeah?


What's going on? Where is everybody?


- Are they out celebrating? - They're home.


They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in.


I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket.


At least we got our honey back.


Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't?


It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it.


This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well.


And now...


Now I can't.


I don't understand why they're not happy.


I thought their lives would be better!


They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people.


You don't have any idea what's going on, do you?


- What did you want to show me? - This.


What happened here?


That is not the half of it.


Oh, no. Oh, my.


They're all wilting.


Doesn't look very good, does it?


No.


And whose fault do you think that is?


You know, I'm gonna guess bees.


Bees?


Specifically, me.


I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things.


It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.


That's our whole SAT test right there.


Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom.


And then, of course...


The human species?


So if there's no more pollination,


it could all just go south here, couldn't it?


I know this is also partly my fault.


How about a suicide pact?


How do we do it?


- I'll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice.


Right, right.


Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going.


I had to open my mouth and talk.


Vanessa?


Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going?


To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena.


They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying.


It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it.


Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this.


I know. Me neither.


Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports.


Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?


Roses!


Vanessa!


Roses?!


Barry?


- Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are.


Flowers, bees, pollen!


I know. That's why this is the last parade.


Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down?


Oould you slow down?


Barry!


OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault.


Yes, it kind of is.


I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you


with the flower shop. I've made it worse.


Actually, it's completely closed down.


I thought maybe you were remodeling.


But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined.


I don't want to hear it!


All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen.


I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park.


All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got.


- Bees. - Park.


- Pollen! - Flowers.


- Repollination! - Across the nation!


Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia.


They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy.


Security will be tight.


I have an idea.


Vanessa Bloome, FTD.


Official floral business. It's real.


Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.


Thank you. It was a gift.


Once inside, we just pick the right float.


How about The Princess and the Pea?


I could be the princess, and you could be the pea!


Yes, I got it.


- Where should I sit? - What are you?


- I believe I'm the pea. - The pea?


It goes under the mattresses.


- Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal.


You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco!


Let's see what this baby'll do.


Hey, what are you doing?!


Then all we do is blend in with traffic...


...without arousing suspicion.


Once at the airport, there's no stopping us.


Stop! Security.


- You and your insect pack your float? - Yes.


Has it been in your possession the entire time?


Would you remove your shoes?


- Remove your stinger. - It's part of me.


I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight.


Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job.


Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job!


I think this is gonna work.


It's got to work.


Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott.


We have a bit of bad weather in New York.


It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay.


Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it.


I gotta get up there and talk to them.


Be careful.


Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine?


I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.


Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.


- What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing.


Bee!


Don't freak out! My entire species...


What are you doing?


- Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney?


Don't move.


Oh, Barry.


Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain.


Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit?


And please hurry!


What happened here?


There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded.


One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious!


- Is that another bee joke? - No!


No one's flying the plane!


This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status?


This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York.


Where's the pilot?


He's unconscious, and so is the copilot.


Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience?


As a matter of fact, there is.


- Who's that? - Barry Benson.


From the honey trial?! Oh, great.


Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee.


It's got giant wings, huge engines.


I can't fly a plane.


- Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes.


How hard could it be?


Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning.


This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport,


where a suspenseful scene is developing.


Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory...


That's Barry!


...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers


and an incapacitated flight crew.


Flowers?!


We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls


with absolutely no flight experience.


Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane.


I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres.


They've done enough damage.


But isn't he your only hope?


Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all.


Their wings are too small...


Haven't we heard this a million times?


"The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense."


- Get this on the air! - Got it.


- Stand by. - We're going live.


The way we work may be a mystery to you.


Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs.


But let me tell you about a small job.


If you do it well, it makes a big difference.


More than we realized. To us, to everyone.


That's why I want to get bees back to working together.


That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O.


We get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow! - Hello!


Left, right, down, hover.


- Hover? - Forget hover.


This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep!


Barry, what happened?!


Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time.


- That may have been helping me. - And now we're not!


So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.


All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out!


Move out!


Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane!


Don't have to yell.


I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble.


It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice!


It's not a tone. I'm panicking!


I can't do this!


Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it!


You snap out of it.


You snap out of it.


- You snap out of it! - You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it! - You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it! - You snap out of it!


- Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it's my turn.


How is the plane flying?


I don't know.


Hello?


Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there?


The Pollen Jocks!


They do get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow. - Hello.


All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop.


Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?


No, nothing. It's all cloudy.


Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.


- Thinking bee. - Thinking bee.


Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something.


- What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.


Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.


Bring the nose down.


Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that!


Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK.


Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys?


Affirmative!


Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.


Land on that flower!


Ready? Full reverse!


Spin it around!


- Not that flower! The other one! - Which one?


- That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower!


That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower


made of millions of bees!


Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.


Rotate around it.


- This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly.


Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern?


Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse!


Just drop it. Be a part of it.


Aim for the center!


Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!


Oome on, already.


Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly!


- Yes. No high-five! - Right.


Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower?


What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius!


- Thank you. - But we're not done yet.


Listen, everyone!


This runway is covered with the last pollen


from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth.


That means this is our last chance.


We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this.


If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say?


Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains?


We're bees!


Keychain!


Then follow me! Except Keychain.


Hold on, Barry. Here.


You've earned this.


Yeah!


I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.


Oh, yeah.


That's our Barry.


Mom! The bees are back!


If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time.


I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight!


Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next?


Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.


Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel!


Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat!


I had no idea.


Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment?


Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you.


Sorry I'm late.


He's a lawyer too?


I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase.


Have a great afternoon!


Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere.


No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me.


You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next?


All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly.


Thank you, Barry!


That bee is living my life!


Let it go, Kenny.


- When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go.


- Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is.


Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.


You have got to start thinking bee, my friend.


- Thinking bee! - Me?


Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it.


I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here?


I'm not making a major life decision during a production number!


All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys.


I had virtually no rehearsal for that.


he roars a mighty roar

{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -


Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold


-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.


'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -


-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.


I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}


{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.


If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain


-Princess Fiona.


If you're not into yoga


-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.


-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!


I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation


-Damn!

{Whinnying}


A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me


-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!


And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station


-Ah!

{Laughs}


And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun


-Yeah!


And I don't have to please no one


-The chair! Give him the chair!


And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.


I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way


-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look down.

-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on

moving. Don't look down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - - Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.


{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}


{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}


-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}


{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start


{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}


My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather


-Aah!


She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la


-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.


-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}


See the pyramids along the Nile


-Um, Princess?


Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle


-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.


Just remember, darling all the while


-Are you- -


You belong to me


{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs} 

-Good night.

-Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}


-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?


-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.


I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah, hallelujah


{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.


-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.


I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried


-God bless us, every one.


Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind


-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.


I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late


Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah


I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say


I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah


I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........



I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long


Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............



Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow


There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face


Headline text

ACE VENTURA PET DETECTIVE

Written by Jack Bernstein Tom Shadyac Jim Carrey

EXT. STREET - DAY

A UPS Man with a big pot belly is walking down the street, whistling and carelessly tossing a package in the air. We hear the sound of broken glass in the box. He passes a professional woman.

UPS MAN

Good morning, UPS!

He tosses the box behind his back like a basketball, then acknowledges another passerby.

UPS MAN

UPS, good to see you!

He takes a couple of steps, then flings the package incredibly high into the air, spins completely around and expertly drops to one knee and catches the box. A Hispanic man passes.

UPS MAN

Buenos dias. Uo Pay eSsay.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

The UPS Man dodges a couple of black kids as though playing basketball. He runs up the front steps of the building. He reaches out to open the front door and inadvertently flings the package behind him and back down the steps.

He goes back, retrieves the package, then enters the building.

INT. LOBBY - DAY

Several people stand in the elevator. The UPS Man just makes it, but the door closes on the package... REPEATEDLY. He feigns embarrassment.

INT. 3RD FLOOR - DAY

ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. The UPS Man throws the package out onto the floor and starts kicking it down the hall like a soccer player. With one last big kick the parcel lands in front of APARTMENT 3B. He picks it up and knocks on the door.

We hear a small dog barking.

GRUFF MAN (O.S.)

Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt!

An angry, burly man pokes his nose hairs out the chained door.

GRUFF MAN

What do you want?

UPS MAN

UPS, sir. And how are you this afternoon? Alrighty then!

The man grumpily unchains the door. He's a big guy - 6'5", 250, and 50 of that is chest hair. A small Shiatsu stands beside him.

UPS MAN

I have a package for you.

The UPS guy thrusts the package toward the man. We can clearly hear broken glass inside. The man takes the package.

GRUFF MAN

It sounds broken.

UPS MAN

Most likely sir! I bet it was something nice though! Now... I haver an insurance form. If you'll just sign here, here, and here, and initial here, and print your name here, we'll get the rest of the forms out to you as soon as we can.

The man begrudgingly begins to fill out the form. The dog wags his tail and whines. We can see that he likes the UPS guy.

UPS MAN

That's a lovely dog you have. Do you mind if I pet him, sir?

GRUFF MAN

(mumbles)

I don't give a rat's ass.

The UPS Man bends down and talks to the dog in a really sucky pet talk.

UPS MAN

Oo ja boo ba da boo boo do booo!

GRUFF MAN

(under breath)

Brother.

Before the Gruff Man can finish, the UPS Man stands back up and takes the form again.

UPS MAN

That's fine sir. I can fill out the rest. You just have yourself a good day. Take care, now! 'Bye 'bye, then!

THRASH MUSIC STARTS

INT. HALLWAY -- CONT'D

The UPS Man moves swiftly down the hall and into the stair well.

INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D

The Gruff Man shakes the box, tosses it down and sits in front of the TV.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - CONT'D

The UPS Man bursts from the front door and hustles down the street very quickly. He passes several people.

UPS MAN

(quickly)

UPS, S'cuse me. UPS, comin' through.

INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D

We see the back of the Shiatsu staring at the crack in the front door. He has not moved an inch. The Gruff Man looks over.

GRUFF MAN

Hey, stupid! Get away from the door!

The dog doesn't budge and this really pisses him off. He gets up and heads for the dog.

GRUFF MAN

What's the matter with you, I said GIT!!!

He roughly picks the dog up by the scruff of the neck, but as he turns it around we see that it is a stuffed dog. Around it's neck is a business card that reads, "You have been had by Ace Ventura - Pet Detective." He breathes fire.

GRUFF MAN

Son of a bitch!

He smashes the dog to the ground.

EXT. ALLEY - CONT'D

As the UPS Man/Ace rounds the corner, his shirt opens up at his pot belly and the Shiatsu's head sticks out. Ace is gloating.

ACE

(announcer's voice)

That was a close one, ladies and gentlemen. Unfortunately, in every contest, there must be... A LOOSER!

He jumps into an old beat-up Chevy Bel Air, and lets the dog out onto the passenger seat.

ACE (CONT'D)

LOOOHOOOSERRRHERRR!

He then pulls open the car's ashtray, and to the dog's delight, it's filled with puppy chow.

He tries to start the engine but it won't turn over. The dog shoots him a look.

ACE

(to dog)

No problem, it gets flooded. We'll just wait a few seconds.

Ace sits back. SMASH!!!

From Ace's POV we see a Baseball bat shatter the front windshield.

ACE

Or, we could try it now.

Ace frantically tries to start the car. His new friend continues around the car beating the living shit out of it.

ACE

Oooh, boy.

ACE'S POV

We see the creep wailing on the car in Ace's side view mirror.

ACE

Warning! Assholes are closer than they appear!

The dog is barking insanely.

ACE

(to dog)

You think you can do better?!

The baseball bat is now pummeling the trunk.

ACE

Wanna give me a push while you're back there?

BOOM! The back window shatters. Then the car's engine roars to life. Ace rejoices.

ACE

FARFEGNUGENNNNN!!!

Ace leaves the bad guy in a cloud of dust and gravel, screaming bloody murder.

EXT. MIAMI CITY STREETS - DAY

Ace and his new pal speed away freely.

Close on the happy dog, hanging his head out the car window. PAN across the broken windshield to Ace, also hanging his head out the window to see where he's going.

The car drives by a sign on a telephone pole: "Reward" -- with a picture of the Shiatsu in Ace's seat.

THRASH MUSIC ENDS

INT. HOUSE - DAY

A very sexy woman is hugging and kissing the Shiatsu.

WOMAN

My little baby. You missed mommy didn't you? Did daddy hurt you? I won't let him, no I won't. He may have kept the big screen TV, but he's not gonna keep my baby. No he isn't.

(very sexy to Ace)

Thank you, Mr. Ventura. How can I ever repay you?

She slinks over to Ace and puts her arms around his neck.

ACE

Well, the reward would be good, and there was some damage to my –

She cuts Ace off with a devastating kiss.

WOMAN

Would you like me to take you pants off instead?

ACE

Ummmm… Sure.

She pulls him toward the bedroom.

WOMAN

It takes a big man to stand up to my husband. He's already put two of my lovers in the hospital.

ACE

How did he find out? Does he have you followed.

WOMAN

No… I tell him

She plants a kiss on Ace's neck and pulls him down out of frame onto the bed.

EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - DAY

The stands are empty, but there's plenty happening on the field. The Miami Dolphins are practicing. Dan Marino is in top form, hitting pass after pass.

Behind one of the goal posts, the team's mascot, a rare dolphin (SNOWFLAKE), wearing #4, is practicing his routine. The Trainer is dressed like a quarterback.

TRAINER Blue! 42! Blue! 42! Hut! Hut!

Snowflake swims over, snatches a small football out of the Trainer's hand, and does an end zone dance on his tail. He then returns the ball to the trainer.

The Trainer now sets the ball on the dolphin's tail and snowflake "kicks" a perfect field goal. The Trainer blows a whistle and raises both arms.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - NIGHT

The stadium is now completely empty. Snowflake peacefully swims around his tank.

Suddenly, the water is illuminated by the headlights of an n.d. panel truck.

The rear door slides open. Two men jump out in wet suits.

They slip into the water while a third waits outside the tank.

Snowflake surfaces to check out the action. One of the men holds out a fish. Snowflake eagerly takes it, then shudders as a large syringe is stuck into his back. Snowflake thrashes around.

Quick cut of a hand with the blur of a ring slamming against the tank. But the needle has done its job. Snowflake quickly goes limp.

Snowflake is loaded into the back of the truck. Move in on Snowflake's face. His excited cackle has turned into a painful whimper.

The truck skids away passing the guard gate. The guard is hog tied and gagged, struggling to free himself.

INT. ADELLE'S FRIENDLY PET SHOP - NEXT DAY

Close up on a dead goldfish laying on a newspaper. We pull back to reveal ADELLE ROSENBERG, the seventy year old owner of a cluttered pet shop. She's handing a live goldfish in a bag to JENNIFER, a very sweet nine year old.

ADELLE

Here you go, honey. Now remember… this kind of fish doesn't like it in the freezer.

JENNY

But what's gonna happen to Dolly?

ADELLE

Don't worry, I'll make sure she gets a proper burial.

Jennifer exits. Adelle calls to her cat, and tosses it the goldfish. The cat catches it in mid-air.

ADELLE

Rest in peace.

Ace enters the pet shop. It looks like he slept in his clothes.

ADELLE

Well… here comes another dead fish.

ACE

Hi, beautiful. What time do you get off?

ADELLE

Uh oh.

ACE

(suggestively)

I've heard some pretty great things about your kibble.

ADELLE

Well, I hope I'm not getting a reputation.

ACE

(switching to mock anger)

Just get me the food!

She chuckles at Ace as she loads a couple of bags with different kinds of pet food.

ADELLE

So… ahh, when can I expect you to pay your tab?

ACE

I'm a little bit Sli Pickins, right now, I'm a little Tight Squeeze Louise, a little Welfare Wolly, Potless Pissing Pete, I'm ah –

ADELLE

If you were a horse I'd shoot ya'. Just take it.

ACE

Gravy! I'm good for it, Adelle. I'm on a very big case right now.

Ace reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a flyer with a picture of a white pigeon.

ACE

See this pigeon? It's a true albino. Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a ten thousand dollar reward.

ADELLE

Wow, albino pigeons are very rare. How are you going to find him?

ACE

Just keep my eyes open, and hope to god it doesn't snow.

Ace grabs his bags and heads for the door.

ADELLE

You're a good boy, Ace. A good boy.

He holds the door open for an elderly gentleman who is entering at the same time. The gentleman is walking a toy poodle on a leash. The poodle is dragging its butt along the entire length of the floor. Ace and Adelle just stare.

ELDERLY MAN

(in a loud voice)

Do you have anything for ringworm?

EXT. SURFSIDE APARTMENT COMPLEX - DAY

Ace enters the courtyard of a two story U-shaped apartment complex carrying his groceries. It's a crappy joint but he calls it home. Inside an open apartment on the ground floor, the landlord, MR. SHICKADANCE, sits watching TV, stuffing his face with cheese doodles. Ace sneaks past the door and up the stairs.

EXT. SECOND FLOOR - DAY

Ace is just putting the key in the door when the landlord steps up behind him. Ace is startled by the dreaded 'Shickadance Rasp' (not unlike Linda Blair in THE EXORCIST).

LANDLORD

Venturaaaaa?

Ace straightens up, but doesn't turn around.

ACE

Yes, Satan?

Now Ace turns around in mock surprise.

ACE

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.

LANDLORD

Never mind the wise cracks Venturaaa. You owe me rent!

ACE

Mr. Shickadance… I told you, you're my first priority! As soon as I find the white pigeon, you're paid!!

LANDLORD

I heard animals in there Ventura! I heard 'em again this morning, scratchin' around.

ACE

I never bring my work home with me, sir.

The landlord notices the bags of kibble.

LANDLORD

Oh, yeah? What's all this pet food for?

ACE

(beat)

Fiber.

The landlord isn't buying it.

ACE

You wanna take a look for yourself? Go head.

Ace rattles his keys in the door. Then he swings it open and turns on the light. The house is clear. Ace walks in as the landlord stands there snooping and sniffing the air.

ACE

Well… are you satisfied?

LANDLORD

(still suspicious)

Yeah, but don't ever let me catch you with an animal in there, that's all!

ACE

Okay then. Take care now. 'Bye 'bye.

The landlord walks away as Ace closes the door.

ACE

(quietly to himself)

LLOOSER.

He then turns to the room and gives a distinct whistle.

CHAOS ENSUES! Animals jump out from every direction. Lizards crawl out of drawers, birds fly through the air, all of them gravitating to Ace.

ACE

(to his flock)

Ooshhooboobooboodoodoo!

INT. MIAMI DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - LATER THAT DAY

The very imposing office of BOBBY RIDDLE, owner of the Miami Dolphins. Riddle, 70, is a take charge, doesn't take crap from anyone type of guy. He is yelling at ROGER PODACTER, an ex-linebacker in his early sixties, and MELISSA ROBINSON, Podacter's attractive assistant.

RIDDLE

I just want to know one thing; How the hell do you lose a 500 pound fish?!

Melissa's about to speak but hesitates.

RIDDLE (CONT.)

What?

MELISSA

It's not a fish, sir. It's a mammal.

An angry Riddle stands up.

RIDDLE

Oh, thank you very much, Mrs. Jacque Cousteau!

PODACTER

Bob, she didn't mean anything by it.

RIDDLE calms down a little, and sits.

RIDDLE

(calmer)

Listen, personally, I don't give a good god damn about a fish.

He looks at Melissa. She doesn't dare say anything.

RIDDLE (CONT.)

All I care about is winning this Super Bowl! I want the players' head in the right place. Shit, Roger, you've been in this game long enough, you know how superstitious players are. Our quarterback's been putting his socks on backwards since high school. And I got a lineman who hasn't washed his jock in two years because he thinks flies are lucky! I want that god damn fish on the field Super Bowl Sunday! FIND THE FISH, OR FIND NEW JOBS!

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS ACTION

An upset Podacter and Melissa walk through the hallway.

PODACTER

Why did it have to happen now? I got three stinking years left till retirement.

MELISSA

I've got forty.

PODACTER

I'll tell you who did it. It was those goddamn animal rights nuts! Always out there with their goddamn signs, ANIMALS WERE BORN FREE, STOP TORTURING SNOWFLAKE! That goddamn fish lives better than they do!

They stop outside Melissa's office by her secretary's desk.

MELISSA

The police are checking into the animal rights people.

(to secretary)

Martha, have the police called back about the dolphin yet?

MARTHA

No, but I wanted to tell you, when I lost my Cuddles, I hired a pet detective.

PODACTER

A what?

MARTHA

A pet detective.

MELISSA

Thanks Martha, but we'd better leave this to professionals.

MARTHA

Well actually, he was quite good. Pet detection is a very involved, highly scientific process.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROOF OF HOUSE - SAME TIME

CLOSE ON ACE - COOING like a pigeon. Widen to reveal, Ace precariously perched on the roof of a two story building. He is four feet away from "The" pigeon. Ater a beat, he makes a mad, spastic, yet scientific, lunge for the bird.

ACE

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

The bird makes a clean getaway. Unable to stop his momentum, Ace flies past the edge of the building and slides down the side of the roof.

EXT. GROUND - CONTINUOUS ACTION

BAM!!! Ace crashes to the ground. As he lies face down, in a heap of trash, his beeper goes off.

EXT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS/BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY

Parking lot. Ace's clunker drives by some real nice cars. Employees stare at him.

INT. SECURITY CHECK POINT - DAY

A stern guard is admitting people into the stadium. He scans each one with a security detection wand.

MAN #1

Art Wheeler. Sporting supplies.

The guard scans him. He goes.

MAN #2

Tom Anderson. Concessions.

The guard scans him. He goes.

ACE

Ace Ventura. Pet detective.

The guard stares at Ace, accusingly.

INT. MELISSA'S OFFICE - DAY

Martha enters.

MARTHA

Ah… Mr. Ventura to see you.

MELISSA

Okay, send him in.

Martha exits, Ace enters.

MELISSA (CONT'D)

Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson. Did you have any trouble getting in?

ACE

No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.

MELISSA

(apologetically)

Super Bowl week. Security's tight. Mr. Ventura, I'll get right to the point…

She slips a tape in the VCR and gestures for Ace to sit.

MELISSA

Our mascot was stolen from his tank last night. Are you familiar with Snowflake?

The tape shows Snowflake doing a trick. The trainer, dressed like a quarterback, shouts out signals.

TRAINER (ON TAPE) Blue! 42! Blue! 42! Hut! Hut!

Snowflake swims over, snatches the small football out of the trainer's hand, swims the length of the pool, does an end zone dance on his tail, then returns the ball to the trainer.

MELISSA (O.S.)

We got Snowflake from the Miami Seaquarium. He's a rare Bottle Nose Dolphin. That's the new trick he was going to do during the half-time show.

While Ace studies the tape, he chews sunflower seeds in a bird-like fashion, placing the shells in a neat little pile on her desk.

MELISSA

Would you like an ashtray?

ACE

No, I don't smoke.

He adds more shells to the pile.

Melissa is already wondering if she has made a mistake.

MELISSA

To be honest, Mr. Ventura. I'm pretty skeptical. Before today, I didn't even know there was such a thing as a pet detective.

ACE

Well, now that you do, you'll know who to call if your Schnauser ever runs away.

MELISSA

How did you know I have a Schnauser?

Ace pulls a, invisible-to-the-naked-eye dog hair off here blouse and presents it to her.

ACE

He's young, about five pounds, black coat, white speckles…

(sniffs the hair)

…likes to chase cars.

MELISSA

Very impressive.

ACE

You should see what I can do with a good stool sample.

MELISSA

I can hardly wait. Look, we've got a problem. Can you help me or not?

ACE

(coy)

Well, sea faring creatures aren't really my expertise…

MELISSA

We'll give you three thousand dollars on delivery.

Ace immediately becomes the narrator of a nature show.

ACE

The dolphin is a social creature. Capable of complex communication. Traveling in large groups or schools…

EXT. PLAYING FIELD - A SHORT TIME LATER

The Dolphin players practice. A crowd of reporters interview Marino.

MARINO

We just choked in 82. We had a chance to win it and we didn't. Nobody's gonna choke this time, and if they do, I'll kill 'em.

Ace and Melissa head for Snowflake's tank.

MELISSA

The police were here this morning. Apparently, the kidnappers used the back gate.

Ace bends down to look at some tire tracks on the field.

MELISSA (CONT'D)

They said some kind of a –

ACE

Four wheel drive van… loaded from the rear.

Ace sniffs the turf. Podacter enters nervously.

MELISSA

Oh, hi, Roger. How are you holding up?

PODACTER

Well if it looks like I'm walking funny it's because I have a bunch on reporters up my ass. They've been asking me about Snowflake all day. Who's this?

MELISSA

Roger Podacter, meet Ace Ventura. Ace is our pet detective.

Podacter shakes his hand.

PODACTER

Nice to meet you. Martha Metz recommended you very highly.

ACE

Martha Metz? Martha Metz. Oh yeah, the bitch.

PODACTER

What?

ACE

Pekinese. Hyperactive. Lost in Highland Park area. She was half dead when I found her. Is that the tank?

They both follow Ace as he makes a B-line.

EXT. SNOWFLAKE'S TANK - MOMENTS LATER

The tank is empty.

ACE

Cops drain it?

MELISSA

Yes. This morning.

Ace hops on the ladder.

ACE

If I'm not back in five minutes… call Lloyd Bridges.

INT. DOLPHIN TANK - MOMENTS LATER

While eating sunflower seeds, Ace meticulously examines the tank, including the scratches where the hand banged up against the wall when Snowflake was stolen. All the while, he is singing a bastardized version of the theme from, "Flipper."

ACE

…Wonderful Flipper… glorious Flipper… magnificent Flipper… The flippiest Flipper…

Podacter and Melissa, watching from the rim, look at each other like, "What have we gotten ourselves into?" Podacter spots something.

PODACTER

Oh, great.

A hoard or reporters are headed their way.

PODACTER (CONT)

I'll try to head them off.

MELISSA

(to Ace)

Get out of the tank.

ACE

(still singing)

…Can't hear you Flipper, Flipper… Lookin' for Flipper, gotta find Flipper…

MELISSA

I said, get out of the tank! Now!

The reporters draw closer. Podacter heads them off.

REPORTER

So where's Snowflake?

PODACTER

Ah… Snowflake is just, ah, not available right now.

REPORTER

Come on, I'm supposed to get a shot of his new trick for the evening news.

REPORTER #2

What? Is he sick?

Other reporters chime in.

VARIOUS REPORTERS Did something happen to Snowflake?! What're you hiding..?!

Melissa and Podacter don't know what to say. Then, a strange voice is heard.

ACE/HEINZ (O.S.)

(unrecognizable accent)

How cun I be getting dis vork dun mit all da shouting? What for is dis shouting?

REPORTER

Who the hell is that?

MELISSA

That? That's…

ACE/HEINZ

Heinz Kissvelvet. I am Trainer of Dolphins. You vant to talk to ze dolphin, you talk to me!

REPORTER

What happened to the regular trainer?

ACE/HEINZ

Vy do you care about the dolphin? Do you know him? Does he call you at home? Do you have a dorsal fin?

(beat)

To train ze dolphin, you must zink like ze dolphin. You must be getting oonside ze dolphin's head! Just yesterday I'm asking Snowflake… "ee, eee, eee." He said, "Eee, eee, eee, eee." Und you can quote him.

Ace spits at the reporters' feet. Podacter jumps in.

PODACTER

Gentlemen, please, Coach Shula's press conference is just about to begin. Why don't I take you over there and let, ah, Heinz, do his job.

He ushers the press away.

MELISSA

(sotto to Ace)

Are you finished, Heinz?

ACE

Not yet.

Ace goes to the filter outside the tank, opens it, and pours out its contents – mainly leaves, small twigs and gunk. He roots through it, notices a very tiny amber stone. He smiles to himself.

ACE

Now I'm finished.

EXT. METRO POLICE DEPARTMENT - LATER THAT DAY

A flurry of activity in the detective division. As Ace enters, several cops taunt him on sight, led by the obnoxious, SERGEANT AGUADO.

AGUADO

Hey, Ventura! Make any good collars lately?

ANOTHER COP Or were they leashes?

They all bust up. Aguado spots a bug on the ground.

AGUADO

Uh oh.

(steps on the bug)

Homicide, Ventura!

The cops are falling all over themselves laughing.

AGUADO

How you gonna solve this one?!

Ace walks up to them and looks at the squashed bug.

ACE

Good question, Aguado… first I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's dick, and became insanely jealous.

The other cops all react with a big "ooooooo". Aguado has no comeback. Ace comes face to face with him.

ACE

Then I'd lose thirty pounds porking his wife.

Aguado suddenly loses it and swings at Ace.

With a lightening move, Ace sidesteps the punch and forces Aguado's face down next to the dead bug.

ACE

Now kiss and make up.

Ace walks off.

ACE

(to himself)

LLLOOOSER!

Ace walks to the desk of EMILIO ECHAVEZ, a young energetic member of the homicide division. Ace has a silly impish look on his face.

ACE

(playfully)

I miss you.

EMILIO

It's not a good time, Ace. If Einhorn sees me talking to you I'm gonna be history.

ACE

Okay. Just tell me what you got on Snowflake. That's all I need.

EMILIO

…I can't say anything. My hands are tied.

ACE

(effeminate)

Sounds like my kind of a party.

A cop comes to Emilio's desk.

COP

Look alive, Einhorn's on her way down.

EMILIO

Ace, please?!

ACE

Just tell me who's working the case?

EMILIO

Aguado.

ACE

Aguado?! He's pimple juice! He's the poster child for lead paint chip eaters!

EMILIO

Look, Ace. We're a little busy with murderers and drug dealers. A missing dolphin isn't exactly a high priority.

The elevator is getting closer.

EMILIO

Ace, gimme a break will ya?

Ace nonchalantly sits back in a chair, pops a sunflower seed into his mouth and cracks it loudly.

EMILIO

(quickly)

Okay, okay. We checked all the local animal rights groups, taxidermists, and we're running a check through DMV on all recent van rentals. So far, nada.

ACE

Any unusual bets being made?

EMILIO

Ace, it's the Super Bowl, of course there's bets being made.

ACE

What'd you find out about the tank?

EMILIO

Nothing weird. Just the tire tracks and the exit route. The guard didn't see anything.

ACE

That's it?

EMILIO

That's it. I swear. Now please go away!

ACE

You know something?

(again impish)

YOU'RE NICE!

Ace gets up and exits the room. Then just as Emilio sighs with relief, Ace pops back in.

ACE

What about crazy Philly fans?

The elevator bell rings. Out steps police LT. LOIS EINHORN, mid 30s, with a slender build, a great pair of legs and a bad tude.

ACE

Holy Testicle Tuesday!

EINHORN

(to Emilio)

What the hell is he doing here?

ACE

I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

EINHORN

Spare me the routine, Ventura. I know you're working the Snowflake case. May I suggest you yield to the experts on this one? We'll find the porpoise.

ACE

(mock relief)

Whewww… now I feel better!

Ace turns to go.

ACE (CONT)

Of course, that might not do any good. You see, nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common Harbor Porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth, and a triangular thorasic fin, while the Bottlenose Dolphin, or Tursiops Truncatus, has an elongated beak, round, cone-shaped teeth, and a distinctive serrated dorsal appendage. (beat) But I'm sure you already knew that. (beat) That's what turns me on about you. Hey… maybe I'll give you a call sometime, lieutenant. Your number still 911? Alrighty then!

Ace exits.

CUT TO:

INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT

A wild thrasher club. An incredible thrash band is on stage cranking. Kids jump wildly into the moshing pit.

Ace enters, sees a burnout at the bar whose head is circling insanely to the music.

ACE

(shouting)

Excuse me?! Is Greg here?!

The burnout's head thrashes on. No acknowledgement of Ace.

ACE

Thank you!

Ace heads for the basement stairs.

INT. BASEMENT STAIRS - NIGHT

Ace descends the stairs, stopping at a large steel door. Ace bangs on it three times. A voice is heard from inside.

VOICE (O.S.)

Password!

ACE

Tom Vu! I pay for sex! You can too!

CLICK! The door electronically unlatches and slides open.

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

Ace enters. Green Peace "Save the Whales" posters abound. GREG/WOODSTOCK, a laid back, ex-hippy with long gray hair, sits at a very impressive computer set up. Ace and he have their own distinct banter.

A thud from above. Ace looks up.

ACE'S POV

Part of the ceiling is made of metal grating, so you can see the bottom of the dance floor. A guy's face gets smashed into the grate. We see that it is the burnout from the club.

ACE

(to burnout)

Found him!

WOODSTOCK

Hey! St. Francis! How's it goin?

ACE

Super, and thank you for asking. Hope you're having a nice day.

WOODSTOCK

Do you?

ACE

Don't I? And what are you up to?

WOODSTOCK

Just watching the fishies, man.

There is a BLIP on the computer screen.

WOODSTOCK

Alright, you're just in time for the party. You see those blips?

ACE

I certainly do.

ON THE SCREEN

A map with several ships on the ocean.

He quickly taps in some commands and the ships start sailing in all different directions.

WOODSTOCK

That's a Norwegian whaling fleet. I'm sending them new directional coordinates… They'll find Jimmy Hoffa before they find any Humpbacks.

ACE

Gravy.

Woodstock moves to a different screen.

WOODSTOCK

Check this out.

More computer graphics come up on the screen.

WOODSTOCK

Just changed the formula for Purina's puppy chow.

(turns to Ace)

Too much filler, don't ya' think?

ACE

(acting turned on)

I'm very attracted to you right now.

Woodstock chuckles.

WOODSTOCK

Are you?

ACE

Aren't I? Can you still tap into all the aquatic supply store in the area?

WOODSTOCK

Of course I can. Why?

ACE

I want to trace the sale of any equipment for transporting or housing a dolphin within the past few months…

WOODSTOCK

C'mon, Ace. I thought you might have a challenge for me…

Woodstock starts hacking away.

ACE

Okay then, try to remember the sixties.

WOODSTOCK

Wow! God one! Let's see… Marine winch sling, feeder fish, 20,000 gallon tank…

He waits. We hear a beep.

WOODSTOCK

That's it. I found the culprit.

ACE

Who is it?

WOODSTOCK

(dramatically)

…Sea World.

ACE

…bastard.

WOODSTOCK

Hang on, hang on…

(He taps a couple keys)

Well, what do we have here? That's a lot of equipment for a civilian.

The printer spits out some data. Woodstock rips off the page and hands it to Ace.

ACE

Ronald Camp? The billionaire?

WOODSTOCK

Billionaire and rare fish collector.

ACE

RRREHEHEALLY!

A PICTURE OF CAMP

Comes up on the computer screen.

WOODSTOCK

That, my friend, is the face of the enemy.

He pages through his file on screen.

WOODSTOCK

…Always tryin' to get his hands on endangered species…

Newspaper articles fill the screen. One shows a picture of Camp and some Dolphin players.

ACE

Hold on, this guy's connected with the Dolphins?

Ace leans in.

WOODSTOCK

Camp donated the land the new stadium's built on.

(re: article)

Oh, look at this, he's throwin' another, "I'm the richest man in the universe" party.

ACE

(thinking)

Hmmm… I wonder if I can find myself a date.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - NIGHT

It's a magnificent home. There is an extremely formal party in progress. Twenty to thirty people having champagne, caviar, and hot air. We see Dan Marino sitting with an audience around him.

DAN

We just choked in 82. We had a chance to win and we didn't. But nobody's gonna choke this time; if they do, I'll kill 'em!

Everybody laughs.

EXT. CAMP'S MANSION - NIGHT

Ace and Melissa climb an impressive stairway leading to Camp's mansion.

MELISSA

I'm really going out on a limb here, Ventura. Camp's social events are strictly A-list.

ACE

(a la Love Connection)

'Well, Chuck… the date started off good, but just before we got to the party, she seemed to tense up.'

Melissa rolls her eyes, then taps a huge door knocker.

MELISSA

I swear, if you do anything to embarrass me in front of Camp…

ACE

You mean like this?

Ace starts doing a spastic body convulsion. Just then a bald-headed butler, who looks a little like Gavin McCloud, opens the door. Ace doesn't notice until Melissa hits him with her purse.

ACE

Owwwe!!!

He sees the butler.

ACE

Oh, hi Captain Stubing.

Melissa storms in, already pissed.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - CONT

Ace and Melissa enter. Camp looks over.

CAMP

Melissa! Glad you could make it! Oh, and who is this?

MELISSA

This is my date. He's a… lawyer.

CAMP

Well, does he have a name, or should I call him "Lawyer"?

MELISSA

I'm sorry, it's Ace - ah, Tom Ace.

Ace is very unimpressed with her lying ability. He jumps in.

ACE

Tom Ace. Wonderful to meet you, Mr. Camp, and congratualtions on all your success. You smell terrific.

CAMP

Ah, well, thank you. Please, come in.

Ace boldly leads the way over to an hors 'oeuvre table. Melissa closely follows.

MELISSA

(sotto)

This is insane. There's no way that Camp stole Snowflake.

ACE

(spreading pate' on a cracker)

Will you just keep him occupied, while I work my magic please.

She crosses the room. He puts the cracker in his mouth and begins to crunch. A man in a tux beside Ace spreads pate' on his own cracker.

ACE

(with a mouthful, to man)

Smooshy, isn't it?

Off the stuffy man's reaction…

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - SECONDS LATER

Ace approaches Camp.

ACE

Excuse me, Ron, I need to use the bathroom?

(palms his stomach, whispering loudly)

I think it's the pate'.

CAMP

Um, it's just over there.

ACE

Thanks. Stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh?

Ace laughs, slaps Camp hard on the back and heads for the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM - CONT

Ace wastes no time. He locks the door, turns on the water faucet, steps onto the toilet seat, opens and climbs out a window.

EXT. MANSION COURT YARD - CONT

Ace drops to the ground. He follows a pathway, through a gazebo and into a doorway, all the time quietly singing the musical score to 'Mission Impossible'.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - FISH TANKS - CONT

Ace browses through a myriad of dramatically lit, salt water tanks, still singing. They're all filled with colorful exotic fish. Very impressive, but nothing large enough to house a dolphin. He continues on towards a large door.

INT. TANK ROOM - SECONDS LATER

A huge above-ground tank is covered with curtains to discourage onlookers. Ace swings open the large door and enters.

ACE

Gravy.

Ace climbs a ladder on the side of the tank, singing more intensely now. The ladder leads to a narrow catwalk over the center of the water. Ace grabs a feeder fish from a pail and walks carefully out there.

CLOSE ON ACE. THIS IS IT.

He looks into the dark pool, but sees nothing. Now he stops singing, quietly squats down and dangles the fish over the water.

ACE

(gently)

Snowflake… Here, Snowflake… Snooowflaaaake…

A GREAT WHITE LUNGES OUT OF THE WATER AND SNAPS ITS JAWS AN INCH FROM ACE'S FACE!!! NEEDLESS TO SAY, ACE IS A TAD SURPRISED.

He reels back, falling off the catwalk, into the water.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - SAME TIME

Melissa is admiring some beautiful tropical fish. Camp approaches.

CAMP

Wonderful, aren't they?

MELISSA

(nervously)

Yes. They're incredible.

CAMP

No matter what is going on in my life, I can always watch them swim and be completely at peace.

INT. INDOOR POOL ROOM - SAME TIME

The water is still for a moment. Then, Ace breaks the surface.

ACE

(frantic, to himself)

It's not Snowflake… It's not Snowflake.

Instantly, Ace's body is thrashed around back and forth through the water, the entire length of the pool.

ACE

(screaming)

IT'S NOT SNOWFLAAAAKE!!! IT'S NOT SNOWFLAAAA!!!

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - LATER

A line is forming outside the bathroom. Camp and Melissa are seated nearby. He's getting curious.

CAMP

Are you sure he's okay? It's been an awfu;;y long time.

MELISSA

Who, Tom? Oh, I'm sure he's fine.

Ace suddenly opens the bathroom door and stands there, completely drenched from head to toe, with his pants in shreds. Everyone stops. They all stare at Ace in amazement.

ACE

(loudly to the entire room)

DO NOT GO IN THERE!

(fanning the air)

Whewww!!

EXT. CAMP'S MANSION - LATER

Ace and Melissa are exiting. Camp stops in the doorway.

CAMP

(still confused)

I'm very sorry, Mr. Ace. I'll have the pluming checked immediately.

ACE

Be sure that you do. If I had been drinking out of that toilet, I might have been killed!

Ace shakes Camp's hand and notices his ring. He holds on to get a better look. It's a very distinct, commemorative ring.

Camp wants his hand back but Ace won't let go. Melissa finally drags Ace away.

MELISSA

We'd better go.

Camp looks on and shakes his head.

INT. MELISSA'S CAR - NIGHT

Ace is thinking. Melissa is pissed.

MELISSA

…Y'know, I don't even want to know why your pants are missing! I don't care what happened! You could have cost me my job.

ACE

(on his own wavelength)

I was wrong about Camp. He's breaking the law but he's not our guy.

MELISSA

It's a sure thing! It's definitely him! Just get me in there! Let me work my magic!

Ace takes the stone out of his pocket and studies it intensely.

ACE

This is the key. Right here!

MELISSA

Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made!

ACE

So small! So unnoticeable! Yet an invaluable piece… of our twisted little jigsaw puzzle!

Melissa stares at Ace like he's gone crazy. There is a flash of headlights and a car horn. Melissa swerves back into her own lane. Ace drops the stone somewhere on the seat and begins to search for it frantically.

ACE

Damn it!

(to Melissa)

Try to keep it on the road.

INT. MELISSA'S LIVING ROOM

Melissa enters, followed by Ace.

MELISSA

So, you found a pebble in Snowflake's tank. Excuse me while I call CNN.

ACE

I found it in the filter. And it's not a pebble. It is a rare, triangular cut, orange amber.

Ace hands Melissa the stone and quickly goes to one of her bookcases.

MELISSA

What are you talking about?

ACE

Tonight I saw the exact same stone in Camp's ring.

Ace finds a book on the Dolphin team and flips through it.

MELISSA

I thought you said he didn't do it.

ACE

N. Camp's clean. His ring wasn't missing a stone. But whoever was in that tank had a ring just like his.

MELISSA

Wait a second. What ring?

Ace hands her the book. It's open to a photo of…

ACE

The 1982 Dolphin AFC Championship ring.

Melissa holds the stone up to the picture. It's a perfect match.

ACE

I find the ring with the missing stone, I find Snowflake.

MELISSA

How are you gonna do that?

ACE

Simple.

MUSIC UP

CUT TO:

EXT. TRACK - DAY

Ace is wheezing and gasping for air as he struggles to jog up beside a large man who's running around the track at a very fast pace. When he finally catches up, he awkwardly tries to catch a glimpse of the man's ring and trips. The man just keeps going.

INT. FOOTLOCKER - DAY

Ace sits waiting with one shoe off. The store manager, an ex-player for the '82 team, sets down several shoe boxes. Ace checks out the ring.

CLOSE ON

A poster of the '82 team. The player we just saw is being crossed out.

EXT. HOTEL - DAY

Pan a few kids getting autographs from Marino and other players, ending on Ace dressed up and looking like a pimply kid. As the players sign, he checks their rings.

EXT. TRACK - DAY

Ace is again trying to catch the large man on the track. This time, just as he draws near, the man leaves him in the dust.

INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY

Two big guys finish arm wrestling. Ace steps up to challenge. He spends an undue amount of time preparing his grip, as he checks out the ring. Ace finally gets set and gives the "go ahead" nod. He is instantly thrown across the room.

CLOSE ON

The poster of the '82 team. Another group of players are being crossed out.

EXT. STREET

Ace spots a player driving along side him. He can't see his ring.

Ace deliberately cuts off the player's car and flips him off. The angry player flips Ace off. We see his ring is intact. Ace waves and drives off.

INT. MEN'S ROOM

One huge lineman uses a urinal. Ace, using the urinal next to him, nonchalantly tries to catch a glimpse of the guy's hands. The Lineman has a very angry look on his face, but after a beat it changes to a "come on" smile.

CLOSE ON

The poster of the '82 team. There is only one face that has not been crossed out. Ace circles it.

EXT. TRACK - DAY

Once again we see the large, fast man jogging toward camera. Suddenly Ace runs up behind him, with a desperate look on his face, pouring a bottle of chloroform into a cloth. He leaps onto the man's back, smothering him with the cloth and holding on for dear life. The man slowly gives up the fight and collapses. Ace casually checks the ring, then walks away disappointed.

EXT. MELISSA'S BACKYARD - EARLY EVENING

Ace sits in a lawn chair depressed. Melissa consoles him.

MELISSA

Ace, that stone could have come from anywhere. An earring, a necklace…

ACE

(with murder in his eyes)

It came from an '82 AFC Championship ring.

MELISSA

Lt. Einhorn thinks it was an animal rights group. Have you heard of FAN?

ACE

Free Animals Now? Started in 1982 by Chelsea Gamble, daughter of the famous industrialist, Fischer Gamble? Over half a million members from Florida to Finland?

(beat)

No. Who are they?

MELISSA

Did you know that last year they sent threatening letters to 127 college teams, demanding the release of their mascots? At last count –

ACE

What do you feed your dog?

We see Melissa's dog lying near Ace's feet.

MELISSA

Ah… dog food, why?

ACE

He's miserable.

MELISSA

What are you talking about?

ACE

He's just very unhappy, I feel sorry for him. Bad diet, isolated environment. It's amazing he's still alive.

MELISSA

You're just mad because your stupid pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger.

ACE

Yeah? And you're ugly.

MELISSA

I'm not even gonna' talk to you, please leave.

ACE

What, so you can beat him? Fatty!

MELISSA

You… are unbelievable.

The phone rings inside the house. Melissa goes to answer it.

MELISSA

Hiring you was a huge mistake!

The door slams and Ace is alone with the dog. After a moment he reaches down to pet it and we all see that it is one of the happiest dogs in the world.

ACE

You like her, huh?… Yeah, she's alright.

Ace, feeling guilty, walks into the house.

INT. MELISSA'S DEN - CONT

Ace walks toward Melissa.

ACE

Look, Melissa, I, ah…

Ace stops when he sees Melissa. She is sitting, holding the phone in her lap with a completely stunned look on her face. Something is very wrong.

EXT. HIGH RISE APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

Chaos. Police, lights flashing, paramedics, crowds of people.

Ace and Melissa see Roger Podacter's body taken away in an ambulance.

ACE

You okay?

Melissa nods bravely. Emilio joins them.

ACE

What'd you find?

EMILIO

Podacter, Roger. Routine suicide. He was alone. He'd been drinking. No sign of a struggle. Neighbor heard him scream on the way down. Just your classic fifteen story swan dive.

Melissa shudders. Ace gives Emilio a "way to go" look.

EMILIO

Sorry.

INT. HIGHRISE LOBBY - NIGHT

The three enter. Emilio pushes the button for the elevator.

MELISSA

It just seems so out of character. He was going to retire in two years.

ACE

Did he leave a note?

The elevator arrives.

EMILIO

No. That's nothing unusual. Some do, some don't. He didn't.

The elevator doors close.

INT. PODACTOR'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

Police are everywhere. Emilio, Ace and Melissa enter and are immediately approached by one of the officers.

EMILIO

Miss Robinson, this is officer Carlson.

CARLSON Evening, ma'am. I wonder if you could answer a few questions about the deceased?

Ace slips away, we follow him as he eavesdrops on conversations.

NEIGHBOR

(to a cop)

I told you, I was across the hall in my apartment, I heard a scream. The door was locked, so I called the manager…

The Manager reiterates her story to the cop. The Manager is about 100 years old.

MANAGER

…The place was empty, except for the damn dog in the other room. Then I opened the balcony door, looked over the railing, and… splat, bang, pancake time…

Ace, continuing his investigation notices…

PODACTER'S DESK

in perfect order.

Next, he notices police coming in and out of the balcony, closing the door behind them, shutting out the noise.

INT. PODACTER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

A dog is cowering in the corner. Ace tries to comfort the little guy.

ACE

Hey, fella, have a bad night?

Ace examines its paws.

Ace then gets down and finds scratches in the door. TWO FEET interrupt.

Ace stands. He is face to face with Einhorn.

EINHORN

Who let Dr. Doolittle in?

Emilio steps in immediately.

EMILIO

Ah, Lieutenant. He came with Miss Robinson –

EINHORN

This is official police business. We'll let you know if the coroner finds any ticks.

Cops snicker.

EMILIO

I just thought since Melissa –

ACE

E, forget it. She's right. Besides, I wouldn't want someone tracing my steps and pointing out all the mistakes I made.

Ace crosses to…

EXT. PODACTER'S BALCONY - CONT

Ace examines the area. Einhorn is in hot pursuit.

EINHORN

Oh, so, you don't think this in an obvious suicide, Mr. Pet Detective?

ACE

Well, I wouldn't say that. Lord knows, there is plenty of evidence here to support your theory, except of course that spot of blood on the balcony.

On the railing, sure enough, there is a tiny spot of blood.

Einhorn glares at a couple of nearby cops. They look down.

ACE

May I tell you what I think happened? Alrighty then!

Ace moves as he talks.

ACE

Roger Podacter went out after work. He had a few drinks, and he came home. But he wasn't alone. Someone was with him in this apartment. There was a struggle, and then Roger Podacter was thrown over that balcony. Roger Podacter didn't commit suicide. He was murdered.

A beat as everyone considers this.

EINHORN

Well, that's a very entertaining story, but real detectives have to worry about that little thing lawyers call evidence.

Ace picks up a lottery ticket on Podacter's desk and becomes a condescending kid show host.

ACE

Let's take a trip to clue corner, shall we? Can anyone tell me why a man buys a lottery ticket on the day he is going to commit suicide? Or why the family pet, suffering from acute canine trauma, clawed at the bedroom door until his paws bled? How about the blood on the railing? I'll bet if we put our thinking caps on we'll see that it was the result of the struggle that took place inside this apartment while Mr. Podacter was still alive!

(singing)

NEXT TIME YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE COME ON BACK TO CLUE CORNER! BOOP!

Everyone looks to Einhorn.

EINHORN

Not a bad try for a pet detective, but not near conclusive enough for us real investigators.

(beat)

First, people buy lottery tickets everyday. It's a habit. It doesn't prove a thing. Second, the dog wasn't suffering from canine trauma, he was suffering from bladder trauma. Sergeant Neilson found a piss stain as big as Lake Huron near the bed. And third, the blood on the railing. Simple. He doesn't jump far enough and whacks his head. A fact confirmed by the paramedics who found cuts on his scalp, with traces of a white chalky substance. i.e. plaster from the balcony.

Einhorn shows Ace the paramedics report. Everyone is impressed with Einhorn.

EINHORN

So much for your murder, Ventura.

AGUADO

Uh oh, I think I heard a toilet flush. Maybe someone lost their turtle?

Everyone has a laugh. Ace looks beaten.

ACE

Well, maybe I'm just a little out of my league, here. Einhorn…

Ace holds out his hand, Einhorn shakes it.

ACE

…good work.

Ace and Melissa head for the door.

ACE

Oh, there is just one more thing, Lieutenant.

(re: the neighbor)

This man is Roger Podacter's neighbor. He lives across the hall. He said he heard a scream, is that right, sir?

The neighbor nods. Ace turns to the apartment manager.

ACE

And you said you had to open the balcony door when you keyed into the room?

MANAGER

That's right.

Ace walks out onto the balcony and turns, facing them.

ACE

You're certain you had to open this door?

She nods.

EINHORN

What's the point, Ventura?

ACE

Only this… AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW…

Ace sustains an incredible Pavorati note, while he repeatedly opens and closes the glass door between them. When the door is closed nothing can be heard.

ACE

(tapping the door)

This is double paned, sound- proofed glass. There's no way this neighbor could have heard Podacter scream on the way down with this door shut. The scream he heard came from inside this apartment, before Podacter was thrown over the railing! And the muderer closed the door before he left!

(celebrates insanely)

Yes! Yesss! I have exorcised the demons!

(a la Poltergeist)

This house is clear.

INT. ACE'S CAR - A SHORT TIME LATER

Ace drives straight ahead.

MELISSA

What are you thinking?

ACE

I'm thinking this whole thing is connected somehow.

(frustrated)

I'm thinking I want to find that other ring!

MELISSA

You checked all the rings.

ACE

I know, Pessimistress. Could anyone else have gotten a ring that year?

MELISSA

No. Camp was the only honoree. Just players and coaches. Everyone in the photo.

ACE

…Receipts! There must be receipts! You have a key to the office.

MELISSA

Ace this has been a really tough day. Can't we do this in the morning?

Ace looks at his watch.

ACE

Absolutely.

EXT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - 1:00 AM

Ace's car screeches to a stop, in front of the building. Ace jumps out, followed by Melissa.

INT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - HALLWAY - NIGHT

It's dark. Team pictures adorn the walls.

MELISSA (O.S.)

These files go back to seventy- eight.

INT. DOLPHIN OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Ace is flipping through a file cabinet, looking at receipts. Melissa is starting to warm to him.

MELISSA

That was pretty impressive, what you did back at the apartment.

ACE

(still looking)

You don't have to tell me. I was there.

MELISSA

Maybe you should have joined the police force… become a real detective.

ACE

(shaking his head)

I don't do humans.

Melissa gets a bit closer.

MELISSA

You really love animals, don't you?

Ace stops searching and looks into her eyes.

ACE

I feel a kinship with them. I understand them. Wanna hear something kinda spooky?

MELISSA

Sure.

She gets closer still.

ACE

One time, when I was about twelve, I had this dream that I was being followed by a dog with rabies. He had these really bloodshot eyes and foam coming out of his mouth… and just before I got to my front door… he jumped on me and sunk his teeth in. Then I woke up, and felt the back of my neck… check this out.

Ace motions for Melissa to feel the back of his neck, but when she does, he snaps at her hand, barking like a vicious dog.

ACE

ARARAR!!!

Melissa jumps out of her skin.

MELISSA

Ohhh!! You bastard!

ACE

(snickering)

I'm sorry. I couldn't stop myself. Are these all the receipts?

MELISSA

(mildly annoyed)

I don't know.

ACE

There's only a dozen of them here.

Ace turns from the file cabinet with a hopeless look on his face. Melissa begins to clean up his mess.

MELISSA

(pointedly)

Gee… maybe they were misplaced because somebody didn't put the files back when he was…

ACE

Who the hell is that?

MELISSA

What…

Ace crosses to a big picture of the '82 team that hangs on the aadjacent wall and points out a player.

ACE

That! Who the hell is that?!

He quickly pulls out his crossed out pictures of the team and begins to compare the two.

MELISSA

Oh, that's Ray Finkle… the kicker. Don't you know who Ray Finkle is?

ACE

No! How come he's not in this picture?!

Melissa checks Ace's photo.

MELISSA

This was the picture you were using? This was taken earlier in the year. Finkle wasn't added to the roster till mid-season.

She starts to realize what Ace has already figured out.

MELISSA (CONT'D)

He's the guy that missed the final field goal in the Super Bowl that year. Cost the Dolphins the game.

ACE

But he got a ring?

MELISSA

Definitely.

INT. STADIUM/PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICE - LATER

Ace and Melissa look through Finkle's file on a microfiche screen. Newspaper articles, headshots flash before them…

MELISSA

'Replacement Kicker Having Great Year'… 'Ready For Super Bowl, Confident Kicker Boasts'.

ACE

'Field Goal Sails Wide, Dolphins Lose Super Bowl'.

MELISSA

The kick heard round the world. That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point.

Another headline hits the screen: FINKLE CONTRACT NOT RENEWED.

MELISSA

Poor guy.

ACE

Poor guy with a motive, baby. Where is he now?

MELISSA

Last I heard, he went back to his home town, Collier County. He used to work in a bar up there.

ACE

(pondering)

REHEHEALLY.

MELISSA

Can you drop me off before you go?

ACE

(shaking his head)

No way. It may not be safe at your apartment, and you shouldn't be left alone.

MELISSA

What do you suggest?

CUT TO:

INT. ACE'S BEDROOM - LATER

We see a person's butt under a sheet coming up into frame repeatedly.

SKIN, SWEAT, SHEETS FLY, as Ace and Melissa roll back and forth on the bed. Ace is taking no prisoners.

CUT TO:

50 animals at the bottom of the bed, with eyes as big as silver dollars, watching them silently. We cut back and forth between furious lovemaking and shots of staring animals.

Melissa and Ace simultaneously reach the pinnacle of pleasure.

MELISSA

(totally amazed and exausted)

OH man… oh man! Oh wow!

ACE

(mock embarrassment)

I'm sorry… that's never happened to me before. I must be tired.

EXT. HIGHWAY ONE - DAY

Various traveling shots of Ace en route to a 'Deliverance' type town deep in the Everglades. A sign reads "Gas - Food - 2 Miles" but the word "Food" is crossed out.

INT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - DAY

A pitifully sad country song plays on the radio. FERN BILBO sits at his cluttered desk with the end of an old shotgun in his mouth. He is struggling to reach the trigger.

Through the glass behind him, we see Ace's car pull up to the only gasoline pump.

DING! The bell rings. Fern begrudgingly takes the gun out of his mouth, sets it down and walks out.

EXT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - CONT

Ace gets out of his car.

ACE

Excuse me, sir. Do you know where I can find the Pigskin Sports Bar?

FERN

Do I have a "kick me" sign on my back, son?

ACE

I wouldn't know anything about that, but if you could point me toward the bar.

Fern breaks down, sobbing.

FERN

They all left me… all of them!

ACE

Well… Hypothetically speaking, say they all left you and went to the Pigskin Sports Bar. How would they have gotten there from here?

FERN

Two miles down and take the first left.

ACE

Thanks very much! Take care now, 'bye 'bye then!

Ace gets into his car and pulls out.

INT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - CONT

Fern enters, sits down at the desk, places the end of the shotgun in his mouth, reaches for the trigger and…

DING! Another car pulls up to the pump. Exasperated, he takes the gun out of his mouth.

FERN

(murmers to himself as he gets up)

Can't get anything done around here…

EXT. PIGSKIN SPORTS BAR - DAY

A weathered dive in the middle of a swamp. Ace parks.

INT PIGSKIN SPORTS BAR - DAY

If depression had a home, this is it. Several dejected men, with various degrees of missing teeth, sit around the bar. A couple hapless guys play pool. One throws darts.

Ace enters, pops a sunflower seed in his mouth and addresses the room.

ACE

Excuse me, guy?! My name is Ace Ventura, I'm a pet detective. I'd like to ask you a few questions if I could.

No one even looks at him.

ACE

Just a few questions, that's all.

Still no one reacts.

ACE

(very up)

Who wants gum?!

Again, no reaction. Ace walks over to the bartender and slides a five across the bar.

ACE

I'm looking for a guy who used to work here.

The bartender takes the money.

BARTENDER

That right?

ACE

He was a kicker for the Dolphins. Ray Finkle.

A pool ball flies by Ace's head shattering a mirror behind the bar. All eyes are on Ace.

ACE

(to guy who threw it)

That would be a scratch.

TOOTHLESS GIANT

You a friend of Finkle's?

ACE

(thinks)

…Yes?

CRASH! The giant guy smashes his bottle.

ACE

Sorry, I have "say the opposite of what you mean" disease.

Several undesirables surround Ace.

TOOTHLESS GIANT

That bastard ruined this town.

ACE

Ewww… I hate that!

HICK #2

We bet everything we had on that Super Bowl and that son of a bitch gagged.

ACE

What a diiick!

They all move closer in a threatening manner.

HICK #3

Shanked a goddamn 26 yarder!!!

ACE

Death to Finkle! Death to Finkle!

The bartender steps in.

BARTENDER

We had a hell of a thing going here. Tourists coming to see Ray Finkle's home town. He was standing right over there when he got the call from the Dolphins.

The bartender points to a payphone. It has had the shit beaten out of it. Every expletive you can think of is graffitied around it.

ACE

Did he come back after the Super Bowl?

BARTENDER

Yeah… but the boys here had ways of letting him know he wasn't welcome.

HICK #1

Excuse me, I gotta take a wicked Finkle.

Laughter.

TOOTHLESS GIANT

What's the difference between Finkle and a jackass? A jackass can kick.

More laughter.

HICK #2

Why did Finkle cross the road?!

ACE

(facetious)

Wait… I know this one.

HICK #2

He didn't! And I've got the hair on my bumper to prove it!

Maniacal laughter and chanting ensues.

MOB

FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS!

ACE

It's good you're dealing with the anger.

(beat)

I don't suppose anyone's seen him lately?

The chanting stops and the guys all look at Ace.

BARTENDER

No… but we know where his parents live! Don't we boys?!

HICK #1

Yeah! We sure do!

They all laugh insanely again.

EXT. HOUSE - DAY

Ace pulls up outside a two-story stilt house. The place has been completely desecrated by graffiti, bullet holes and paint bombs. Toilet paper is strewn through the trees. Ace walks up and knocks on the door. A wooden peephole slides open revealing a suspicious pair of eyes.

ACE

…Hi, I'm looking for Ray Finkle.

A gun slides out into Ace's face.

ACE

(with a gulp)

And a clean pair of shorts.

A deep gruff voice from inside.

VOICE

What do you know about Ray Finkle?

ACE

Southpaw soccer style kicker. Graduated from Collier High in June, 1976. Stetson University honors graduate, class of 1980. Holds two NCAA division one records. One for most points in a season, one for distance. Former nickname The Mule. The first and only pro athlete ever to come out of Collier County. And one helluva model American.

After a beat the peephole closes. The door slowly creaks open revealing MR. FINKLE, an unsmiling, taciturn, elderly man holding the gun.

MR. FINKLE

Are you another one of them scumbags from 'Hard Copy'?

ACE

No, sir. I'm just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland, sir.

Mrs. Finkle, a sweet, adorable elderly woman comes over.

MRS. FINKLE

Will you put that gun down. The boy's a fan of our son. So nice to meet you. I'm Ray's mother, and this is Ray's father.

INT. FINKLE HOUSE - DAY

ACE

It's a real honor.

MRS. FINKLE

My Ray is so appreciative of his fans. He'll be so pleased you stopped by.

ACE

Are you expecting Ray anytime soon?

MRS. FINKLE

Oh, yes. I expect him home any minute.

Ace is surprised.

MRS. FINKLE

Would you like some cookies? I just baked them.

Mrs. Finkle hurries off to the kitchen. Ace smiles at Mr. Finkle. The guy's a corpse.

ACE

Wow… Ray Finkle's house! Can't wait to meet him!

MR. FINKLE

Ray ain't comin' home.

ACE

But your wife said you expect him home any minute.

MR. FINKLE

She expects him home any minute.

He points to his head, and looks toward the kitchen.

MR. FINKLE

Engines runnin but there's no one behind the wheel. Ten years ago our son escaped from Shady Acres Psychiatric Hospital in Tampa. They're still buggin' us to pick up his stuff.

Mrs. Finkle returns with a plate of football shaped cookies.

MRS. FINKLE

(sweetly)

It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball laces out, like you're supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of Gonorrhea and rot in Hell. Would you like a cookie, son?

Ace takes a cookie. Holding it up.

ACE

Hey, what do ya know. They're little footballs.

MRS. FINKLE

Laces OUT!

CRASH!! A large stone smashes through the window. Outside, a pickup truck filled with drunken patrons from the Pigskin Sports Bar drives by yelling their Finkle chant.

MOB

FINKLE SUCKS! FINKLE SUCKS!…

MRS. FINKLE

I told you he had a lot of fans.

Mrs. Finkle picks up the rock and hurls it out the broken window. It hits one of the vandals, knocking him out cold, as the truck peels away.

MR. FINKLE

(aside to Ace)

She got the arm. The boy got the leg.

INT. HALLWAY - A SHORT TIME LATER

Mrs. Finkle and Ace are walking down the hallway to Ray's room.

MRS. FINKLE

When Ray gets back and starts kicking again, he'll never even know he was gone. I kept his room just the way he left it.

She opens the door to Ray's room. Ace steps in.

INT. RAY'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

It's a death shrine to Dan Marino. Complete with lifesize cutouts of Dan Marino, some with nooses around the neck, other hacked to pieces. Painted on the walls: "Death to Marino!", Marino must die!!!, etc.

ACE

…Oooh boy.

MRS. FINKLE

What a sports nut, huh?

In the center of the room is a movie projector.

ACE

May I?

MRS. FINKLE

Oh yes. By all means.

Mrs. Finkle shuts the lights off. Ace turns on the projector.

The film flickers over the "Marino must die!!!" graffiti. It's the final play of the Super Bowl. Marino takes the snap, Finkle kicks and the ball sails wide. The film repeats itself ad infinitum.

EXT. BILBO'S GAS STATION - DAY

Ace on the payphone. We see the gas station in the background.

ACE

Melissa, it's Ace.

INT. MELISSA'S OFFICE - DAY

MELISSA

Ace? Where are you?

INTERCUT ACE/MELISSA

ACE

I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the Mayor. Where's Dan Marino?

MELISSA

Marino? Why?

ACE

Because he's about to join Snowflake. I gotta know where he is.

MELISSA

Okay, hold on…

Melissa checks Marino's itinerary. Ace waits, impatiently.

ACE

(to himself)

Come on. Come on…

In the background, we see two paramedics exit the gas station office rolling a dead body on a gurney. The area of the sheet that covers the face is a giant red spot. We widen to see them load good old Mr. Bilbo into an ambulance and drive away, ringing the station bell one more time. Ace doesn't notice.

MELISSA

Ah, he had practice. Then… he has a commercial shoot out at the Prescott Sound Stage.

ACE

Where is that?

MELISSA

It's on Route One by the Six Cut Off. Thirty minutes outside of town.

ACE

Okay, that's about fifteen miles from me. Call the police. Get extra security over there now.

MELISSA

Ace, tell me what's going on.

(beat)

Ace?…

The payphone dangles off the hook. Ace is…

EXT. HIGHWAY ONE - DAY

…in his car racing out of the swampland, his heaad now back out the window so he can see. He leaves a faded, old, barely legible sign in his wake: "

WELCOME TO COLLIER COUNTY. HOME OF RAY FINKLE"

The "F" in "FINKLE" has been replaced with "ST" in spray paint.

INT. PRESCOTT STUDIOS - DAY

Rehearsal for an Isotoner ad in progress.

MARINO

…So I protect the hands that protect me. With Isotoners.

Marino gets carted off by FIVE HUGE LINEMEN.

DIRECTOR

Good. Remember, exit camera right. That's to your left. Alright, let's get ready to shoot this.

FIRST A.D.

(to the linemen)

Helmets on this time!

The linemen disperse.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Ace runs a red light causing cars to skid in every direction.

INT. PRESCOTT STUDIO - DAY

Marino is in the make-up chair.

MARINO

(to make-up girl)

See, in 82 we just choked. We had a chance to win it and we didn't –

DIRECTOR

Dan, are you ready?

MARINO

Ah, sure.

(to girl)

I'll tell you later.

EXT. STUDIO - DAY

The cops race onto the lot.

INT. STUDIO - DAY

Marino takes center stage.

A.D. Quiet on the set… roll… speed…

DIRECTOR

…And action!

MARINO

Hi, I'm Dan Marino. If anyone knows the value of protection, it's me…

We see an old clip of Marino getting sacked.

EXT. STUDIO - DAY

Cops scramble on foot to the sound stage.

INT. STUDIO - DAY

The commercial is winding up. The linemen ready themselves.

MARINO

…So I protect the hands that protect me. With Isotoners.

The five linemen grab Marino and run off camera.

DIRECTOR

And cut! That was good. Again from one.

But two of the linemen keep running with Marino…

DIRECTOR

I said cut!!

…And they keep running.

DIRECTOR (CONT'D)

What the hell are they doing?

…Right out the studio door. Then the cops arrive and race after them. Two linemen stumble out of the dressing room holding their heads.

EXT. SOUND STAGE - DAY

Ace skids around a corner, looking way up ahead.

He sees Marino being shoved into a black 81 Ford Bronco. They drive off.

The cops come out of the building on foot. Too late.

Ace in hot pursuit almost runs the cops down.

ACE

(yelling at cops)

S'cuse meee! Pet Detective!

EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY

Ace's head is out the driver's window through the entire chase. As he starts gaining on the bad guys, they start shooting. Ace wisely puts his head inside the car.

ACE'S POV

He can't see shit through his broken windshield.

He pokes his head out again. They shoot again.

Ace swerves off the road into…

EXT. PARK - DAY

Ace's car smashes through benches and tables. Then it flips over a few times and lands on its wheels with a horrid SMASH. Ace is still strapped into the drivers seat, unconscious.

Ace's prized WHITE PIGEON lands on the car door right beside him. Ace cracks his eyes and sees the bird. Then, with a sudden quick lunge he successfully traps it in his hands, and forgets all about Marino.

ACE

I did it! I did it! I caught the white pigeon! I caught the white pigeon!

Ace jumps out of his car and starts skipping around the park with the pigeon held high over his head. He looks insane.

ACE (CONT'D)

(singing)

I caught the white pigeon, I caught the white pigeon, I caught the white…

Ace slows down and begins to look around warily. There are now an unusual number of birds perched on the telephone wires around the park and on the monkey bars, and on the swings.

The sky grows darker. He slowly turns and tries to get back to the car. All the birds take flight.

Ace sets the white pigeon free and starts to run, but it's too late. The birds are on him. Pecking, and gouging, and ripping his flesh.

Now we see ten birds flying away with a leg. Five birds flying away with an arm. Twenty others are trying to take Ace's left arm off, and half his face is missing…

ACE

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK - DAY

Ace is back in his wrecked car with his arm hanging out the window. A small boy is pulling it.

BOY

Hey mister. Hey mister.

Ace come to suddenly, and looks at the boy with a crazed expression.

BOY (CONT'D)

That was a really neat crash, mister. Do it again!

Ace sighs with relief.

EXT. MIAMI - DAY

Various headlines hit the news stands: "MARINO KIDNAPPED" "STAR QB MISSING" "DAN WHERE ARE YOU?"

THE GLOBE HEADLINE: "MARINO ABDUCTED BY ALIEN FRANCHISE!" On the cover, Marino stands with several Space Aliens in football gear.

EXT. POLICE STATION - LATER THAT DAY

A chaotic press conference. Zillions of REPORTERS shout all kinds of questions at Einhorn.

REPORTER

Lieutenant, have there been any ransom demands?

EINHORN

There's been no communication with the kidnappers at this time.

REPORTER #2

What's going to happen to the Super Bowl? Will it be postponed?

EINHORN

As of now, the game is going on as scheduled.

REPORTER #3

Why wasn't the public told about Snowflake's kidnapping?

EINHORN

Secrecy was essential. We didn't want any public interference.

REPORTER

Are the crimes related? And what about Roger Podacter's murder?

EINHORN

I'm sorry. I can't comment any further. Now if you'll excuse me.

Einhorn pushes her way through the crowd of reporters.

INT. POLICE STATION - MOMENTS LATER

Einhorn is barking out orders to other cops as she heads for her office.

EINHORN

Emilio, get me the autopsy on Podacter! Aguado, send out a memo. No one talks to the press…

INT. EINHORN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ACTION

EINHORN

…And somebody get me a cup of coffee!

ACE

(TV announcer's voice)

Tonight on "MIAMI VICE", Crockett geets the boss coffee!

Ace is in her office, popping sunflower seeds, kicking back. Einhorn walks to her private bathroom.

EINHORN

Ventura, when I get out of this bathroom, you better be gone.

ACE

Is it number one or number two?

Einhorn turns and glares at Ace.

ACE

I just want to know how much time I have.

Einhorn goes to the sink and begins washing her hands.

ACE

Oh, by the way, I went ahead and solved that pesky, Snowflake/Podacter/Marino thing.

EINHORN (O.S.)

(humoring him)

Oh yeah?

ACE

yeah, ever hear of a former Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle?

The water shuts off. Einhorn appears around the corner.

EINHORN

Alright, Ventura. Make it quick.

ACE

I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake's tank. It's from a Dolphin '82 AFC Championship ring. It would have been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray Finkle missed the big kick. Blames the whole thing on Marino. We're talking paranoid, delusional psychosis. I saw the guy's room… Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lector.

EINHORN

So how does Roger Podacter fit in?

ACE

My guess is Finkle was snooping around. Podacter recognized him. End of story. As for Snowflake… they gave him Finkle's number, and taught him how to kick a field goal. Finkle took it personally.

Einhorn listens with great interest.

EINHORN

So where is Finkle, now?

ACE

He broke out of a metal hospital. Did a Claude Raines. He's been planning his revenge for years. Waiting for the perfect time to get back at the Dolphins. The time when it would hurt them the most. Super Bowl time! Man, I'm tired of being right!

Einhorn walks in front and sits on the edge of the desk. She's totally softened her demeanor.

EINHORN

Congratulations. You've done some fine detective work, Ace.

ACE

Ahh, could you talk in my good ear. I thought I heard you call me Ace.

Einhorn gets real close.

EINHORN

Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe you are more than just a pet dick.

SHE SUDDENLY PLANTS A MAJOR, TONSIL CLEANING, OPEN MOUTHED KISS ON ACE. Objects are knocked off the desk as they lean back.

ACE

Your gun's digging into my hip.

More kissing, the Ace stops.

EINHORN

(still coming on)

What's wrong, Ace? Want me to read you your rights?

ACE

Maybe later.

EINHORN

What is it? That bony little bitch, Melissa Robinson?

ACE

(defensive)

No. You just don't do anything for me.

He quickly adjusts his crotch, to conceal the erection. Einhorn withdraws with a coy smile.

EINHORN

I'll be here if you ever want a real woman.

There's a sharp KNOCK at the door.

EINHORN

What is it?

Aguado opens the door.

AGUADO

Everything okay in here? Heard some commotion.

EINHORN

Fine, Sergeant.

AGUADO

You want me to throw him out?

EINHORN

Why don't you throw yourself out.

AGUADO

…Yes, ma'am.

A crestfallen Aguado exits. Ace heads for the door.

EINHORN

Ace, I want you to leave everything to us.

ACE

Can't do that, Lieutenant. I was hired to find Snowflake.

EINHORN

When we find Marino, We'll deliver Snowflake.

ACE

When I find Snowflake, I'll deliver Marino.

He exits.

INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT

A full on thrash metal band is cranking on stage. Kids leap wildly into the moshing pit. The same Burnout is still thrashing his head wildly to the music.

ACE

(shouting)

Nice to see you again!

The Burnout just keeps thrashing. Ace spots Woodstock watching the band and joins him.

WOODSTOCK

St. Francis, how's it goin'?

ACE

(kidding)

That's none of your damn business.

WOODSTOCK

Isn't it?

ACE

Is it?

WOODSTOCK

Anything new on that dolphin?

ACE

Got his picture on some tuna cans, but nothing so far.

A singer ROARS on stage. He sounds like a garbage disposal full of cutlery.

SINGER Arroohhghhh! Myrrrooohghhhh! Geroooghhh!

WOODSTOCK

So, what can I do for you today?

ACE

I need info on a football flunky named Ray Finkle.

WOODSTOCK

Sorry, Ace, I can't help you right now. I gotta watch this band! They are the shit!

ACE

Are they?

WOODSTOCK

Aren't they?

ACE

Alright then. Don't worry about it. I mean dolphins aren't exactly an endangered species. It's not like the whole food chain's gonna be affected if one highly intelligent mammal dies a slow and painful death! Hell, if the band is loud enough, you won't even hear its pitiful whimpering!!

Ace does his best suffering dolphin impression. Woodstock is no longer enjoying the band.

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

Woodstock is at his computer. Ace looks over his shoulder. Finkle's Social Security information appears on the screen.

WOODSTOCK

This guy's last reported income was September, 1982.

ACE

Well then. We know he's incredibly thrifty.

WOODSTOCK

Is he?

ACE

Isn't he?

Woodstock types in more information. Finkle's TRW flashes on the screen.

WOODSTOCK

Well, I think we can be pretty sure he's involved in the kidnapping of the dolphin.

ACE

Really? What makes you say that?

WOODSTOCK

There's two-thousand dollars worth of smelts on his VISA card.

After a beat Ace realizes it was a bad joke.

ACE

Please yank me no further. I beg of you.

WOODSTOCK

Alright already. The last time this guy used his credit card was June, '84. He rented a car from Avis. And… eww… he was a bad boy. They found it abandoned two months later in South Miami.

ACE

Anything else?

WOODSTOCK

Nope.

ACE

Well… you did all you could. Thanks for nothin.

WOODSTOCK

Hey man, according to this, your friend Ray Finkle doesn't exist.

ACE

Hmm, I know what that's like.

WOODSTOCK

Do you?

ACE

Don't I?

INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT

Ace emerges from the basement. The band is between songs. Ace strolls by the burnout whose head has now stopped.

ACE

(to burnout)

Did you get all the spiders outta there?

Ace heads out, then freezes. The two thugs that took Marino are standing at the exit. Then they see Ace and start towards him, reaching inside their coats.

Suddenly the music starts. The burnout's head wails again. His manic gyrations interfere with the thugs long enough for Ace to bolt.

One of the thugs pushes the burnout violently against the wall as they pursue Ace.

BURNOUT

(calling, as he gets up)

Thanks, man! You're a great dancer!

Ace pushes his way through the crowd. The thugs follow.

Ace nears the stage. It's wild. People are diving off and getting moshed.

Before the thugs grab him, Ace runs up and throws himself from the stage. The insane crowd begins to pass him around over their heads.

The thugs exchange a look, then dive after Ace, and a "mosh" chase ensues.

Ace is passed back onto the stage as the song comes to an end. The singer is lying there exhausted. Ace sees the crowd starting to put the thugs down, so he quickly grabs the microphone off the floor.

ACE

(screams)

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, SPANK ME MOMMY!!!

The audience looks at Ace for a second. Then the band members exchange a look and go for it!!

It's a nightmarish little ditty. Ace sings like one of Satan's minions.

ACE

URGHHUURRAAAW! ARGHUURRRREEEW!

The crowd seems to understand. They throw the thugs high in the air again and mosh them away from the stage. The Thugs are shooting stray bullets the whole time.

Ace incites the crowd, even more now, with a punching gesture. The crowd follows their new leader, punching with one hand, moshing with the other.

The thugs get the living crap "moshed" out of them.

When the song ends, Ace raises fists in the air. The cheering crowd violently drops the thugs. They're out cold.

EXT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT

Ace's car PEELS OUT and races by the parked '81 Ford Bronco.

EXT. MELISSA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ace's car skids to a halt. He hops out.

INT. MELISSA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

There's a loud BANGING at the door. Melissa awakens, looks at the clock: 3:32 a.m. She drags herself to the door.

MELISSA

Who is it?

ACE (O.S.)

Ira.

MELISSA

Ira who?

ACE (O.S.)

I refuse to do a 'knock knock joke'. Come on, open up!

Melissa opens the door.

MELISSA

Ace, what are you doing? It's the middle of the night!

ACE

You have to commit me.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAWN

Ace's clunker speeds down the highway.

ACE (V.O.)

Finkle escaped from Shady Acres in Tampa. They still have some of his stuff.

MELISSA (V.O.)

So you think they're going to let us just waltz in and look around?

EXT. SHADY ACRES - ESTABLISHING - DAY

A state hospital located on acres of green, manicured lawns.

INT. SHADY ACRES - DAY

The reception area. A DOCTOR is before Melissa.

DOCTOR

Mrs. Robinson? I'm Doctor Handly. Now who is it that you'd like to have us look at?

MELISSA

My brother… Eugene.

ANGLE ON ACE - Looking like the football player who never wore a helmet.

ACE

I'm ready to go in, Coach. Just give me a chance. I know there's a lot riding on it, but it's all psychological. Got to stay in a positive frame of mind. Memorize the play book. Study the films.

Ace strikes a dramatic pose and freezes, with a crazed look on his face.

ACE (CON'T)

I'm gonna execute a button-hook pattern!

He begins to make a play in slow motion.

ACE (CON'T)

Super slo-mo!

CUT TO:

EXT. SHADY ACRES HOSPITAL - DAY

Melissa walks with the Doctor. Patients are sitting around, doing outdoor therapy, etc.

DOCTOR

You're brother won't be the first professional football player we've treated.

MELISSA

Is that right?

DOCTOR

Yes. We're very sensitive to the emotional stress athletes have to endure.

Ace runs across the b.g. screaming "I'm open! I'm open!"

DOCTOR

We'll have to do some preliminary evaluations, but I think your brother will fit in nicely here.

MELISSA

That's a relief, Doctor.

Ace takes a "snap" from a three-foot hedge and dives over it into the end zone. Melissa and the doctor stop to watch him.

DOCTOR

He seems to have some difficulty letting go of the game. Has he had a long history of mental illness?

MELISSA

(truthfully)

As long as I've known him.

Ace does a wild touchdown dance with some of the other patients participating.

INT. SHADY GLADE ACRES - HALLWAY - DAY

The doctor is showing Melissa around. Ace is walking alongside them adjusting his imaginary shoulder pads.

DOCTOR

This is our therapy room… Arts and crafts…

They turn a corner. Ace squats to pick the dirt out of his cleats.

DOCTOR (CON'T)

That's the storage room. This hallway leads to another recreational area –

Ace WHISTLES loudly and gestures like a referee…

ACE

HALFTIIIIME!!

Ace sticks his head in the water fountain then sits down on the bench outside the storage room.

MELISSA

He'll be fine by himself for the next twenty minutes.

DOCTOR

Well, why don't I show you the dormitories, then?

They leave Ace.

After a beat, Ace gets up and does a quick spin pattern into the storage room door.

INT. STORAGE ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION

Cartons everywhere. Ace does a quick search and locates several boxes maked FINKLE.

Ace looks through the first couple of boxes and finds only clothes. In the third box, he hits the jackpot: He finds sicko arts and crafts dedicated to Marino. Die-Dan potholders, shredded Isotoner gloves. He opens a little diary. "Laces Out!" is insanely scrawled on every page.

Ace finds a newspaper clipping, the headline reads:

SEARCH CALLED OFF FOR MISSING HIKER

ACE

(reading)

A massive search ended today when rescue workers were unable to find the body of Lois Einhorn…

(stunned)

…a camper reported lost since Friday…

(to himself)

Lois Einhorn… holy shit balls.

Ace sits bewildered.

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

The phone rings at Emilio's desk. He answers it.

EMILIO

Echavez.

INT. SHADY ACRES - HALLWAY - DAY

Ace is on the phone. A CRAZY GUY is hovering nearby.

ACE

This is Chicken Little. The sky is falling.

EMILIO

What?

BACK TO EMILIO

A beat as he listens to Ace's news.

EMILIO

I don't get it. What's it mean?

INTERCUT ACE/EMILIO

ACE

It means she's involved in this. The article's dated the day before Finkle disappeared.

EMILIO

Before who disappeared?

ACE

Finkle. Ray Finkle… the guy who took the dolphin? The guy you're supposed to be looking for?! Einhorn didn't tell you, did she?

EMILIO

Hey, Ace. I see where you're goin' with this and you're goin' alone.

A Crazy Guy stands next to Ace now and begins mimicking everything he says.

ACE

Come on, E. I tell her about Finkle, she doesn't tell a soul. I have an article here that connects her with Finkle. You gotta' check her out.

(to Crazy Guy mimicking)

Do you mind?

The Crazy Guy stops and moves to one of the phones.

EMILIO

Ace, I like my job. I get health insurance and benefits.

CRAZY GUY

(into receiver)

I'm the Lindberg Baby. Come and get me.

ACE

Emilio, Einhorn is involved. You're gonna' have to make a decision here.

(beat)

Listen, I gotta get off the phone. I think I just solved the Lindberg case.

Melissa and the Doctor return.

DOCTOR

Well, look who's trying to use the phone.

Ace covers the phone receiver and whispers to them in a heartfelt voice.

ACE

Brian Piccalo is dead.

Ace breaks down. Melissa hangs up the phone and leads him away.

We hear a thrash version of the theme to "Brian's Song" as they exit the hospital.

INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT

Emilio stands at a window, watching Einhorn drive off. The coast is clear so he sneaks into…

INT. EINHORN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

He rifles through her file cabinet. He tears through papers. Then he looks in her desk.

Stuffed in the back of the drawer he finds a personal note: We can make out the signature. Roger. He pockets it and walks out.

EXT. MELISSA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ace and Melissa pull up in the old heap.

ACE

Good job today. You're quite a dirty rotten filthy liar.

MELISSA

(flattered)

Thanks. Are you sure you don't want to stay here with me?

ACE

Naw, I got some thinking to do. Besides, you'd be safer with Salman Rushdie

MELISSA

Okay.

She gets out of the car, then turns and leans in the window.

MELISSA

Listen… I know there isn't much time left. The game is tomorrow. But I know you've done your best. It's just an impossible situation. I don't expect..

ACE

Hey…

Ace leans over and kisses her.

ACE (CONT'D)

…bet on the Dolphins.

INT. ACE'S APARTMENT - LATE NIGHT

CLOSE UP: ANSWERING MACHINE

Wiggles' nose enters frame and hits the play button.

MESSAGE #1

(Shickadance rasp)

Venturaaaa? Your time is up! You're out! You hear me?! No rent… no roof!

We widen to find Ace on the couch listening.

MESSAGE #2

Ace, it's E. Got something you might find interesting. It's a note from Podacter to Einhorn, thanking her for a wonderful Saturday night. This is too weird, man?

ACE

Wiggles, rewind.

Wiggles obediently hits another button and rewinds the phone tape. Ace pops sunflower seeds, and holds some evidence aloft thinking. A bird eats seeds out of his naval.

ACE

What the hell does Lois Einhorn have to do with Ray Finkle? Come on, think!

DISSOLVE TO:

Later. Ace is posed like Rodin's "The Thinker".

ACE

Finkle and Einhorn. In it together. How? Why?

A small monkey sits in the same position. Mocking Ace.

DISSOLVE TO:

Later still. Ace pacing, jumping up and down. Trying to get his intuitive juices flowing. The monkey is likewise, jumping on the mantle.

ACE

Alright! Here we go! Answer's right there! Just gotta get some blood to the brain! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn! Finkle and Einhorn!

The animals all watch him like he's crazy.

DISSOLVE TO:

Daybreak. Ace sits staring at a picture of Finkle on the coffee table. He's totally spent and on the verge of tears.

ACE

(whimpering)

Finkle and Einhorn. Einhorn and Finkle.

He turns to see the monkey crashed out in a heap on a sofa pillow.

ACE

(to sleeping monkey)

Quitter.

Wiggles jumps up onto the coffee table now. Ace can't be bothered with him.

ACE

What do you want? Huh?

Wiggles whines at the tone of Ace's voice.

ACE (CONT'D)

What? I got no food for you. You gotta have money to buy food. I gotta find the dolphin to get the money. I don't see any dolphins around here, do you? Face it, it's hopeless… your master is a LOSER.

Ace buries his face in his hands. His dog Wiggles does the same. Then Ace looks up again.

ACE

LOO… HOO…

Suddenly he is silenced by something amazing.

Wiggles' dark haired floppy ears are lying around Finkle's picture like a wig. Ace combs the hair over the head shot. The "make-over" is unmistakable. It's Einhorn!!

ACE

Oh, my god! That's it!

He jumps up, estatic.

ACE

Einhorn is Finkle! Finkle is Einhorn!… Einhorn is a man!!!

Ace's expression quickly turns sour.

ACE

OH MY GOD!!! EINHORN IS A MAN!!!

MUSIC UP: AEROSMITH'S DUD LOOKS LIKE A LADY…

Ace makes a mad dash into the bathroom.

INT. ACE'S BATHROOM - MORNING - QUICK CUTS

…Ace furiously brushes his teeth.

…Ace rinses with mouthwash, spits it out and gags.

…Ace is in the shower. He slowly curls up into a ball under the steaming water with an expression of horror on his face.

INT. EINHORN'S HOUSE - DAY

CLOSE UP:

A woman's leg being shaved.

Woman sexily putting on nylons.

Woman hands squeezing perfume bulb.

Woman's hand putting on AFC championship ring. One stone is missing.

EXT. EINHORN'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Ace sticks wads of gum in his mouth while he watches Einhorn's house from his car.

ACE

(remembering)

You're gun is sticking into my hip. Yeeeekkkk!

Einhorn comes out her front door and gets into her car. Ace shudders once more and then follows her.

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

The road is jammed in one direction. Going towards the Super Bowl. Einhorn drives in the opposite direction. Out of town. Ace tails her at a safe distance, with his head out the window, of course.

INT. BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY

Various shots of crazy fans, piling into the stadium.

INT. STADIUM OWNER'S BOX - DAY

Melissa, BOBBY RIDDLE, and GUESTS all amidst the usual pre-game hobnobbing. Most of the talk centers on the loss of Marino.

Emilio, in full uniform, and a couple cops are providing extra security for the box.

EXT. HIGHWAY ONE - DAY

Einhorn drives south out of town. The area's getting remote. Ace follows.

Einhorn turns down a deserted road and comes to…

EXT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY

A large, abandoned industrial facility. Einhorn parks, disappears inside…

A few beats later, Ace kills the engine and exits singing the score to "Mission Impossible".

INT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY

Immense machines and swimming pool sized cauldrons.

Ace cautiously makes his way through the desolate site, singing quietly now. He stops when he hears a familiar voice.

JOHN MADDEN (O.S.)

I particularly like the match-ups of the defense.

Ace sees a weird sight: A HUGE TV PROJECTION SCREEN tuned to the Super Bowl pre-game show. Marino is tied to a football tackling sled. The two thugs take turns running into Dan with their shoulders, driving him back five feet each time.

JOHN MADDEN (ON TV)

…But the real story of this game is the absence of Dan Marino. Him being kidnapped and all has got to be a strain on this Miami team. I really feel sorry for those guys! I mean, it's hard enough enduring the pressure of the Super Bowl, without your star quarterback gettin' himself kidnapped. This is the whole ball of wax, folks! You wanna' get kidnapped, you do it in the off season!…

Marino looks incredulously at the screen. Next to him, Snowflake "watches" from a ground level cistern serving as an ad hoc tank.

Ace sneaks closer.

INT. BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY

The crowd quiets as Jon Bon Jovi prepares to sing the National Anthem.

Various shots of fans all standing at attention.

In the owners box, Melissa looks to Emilio. Nothing's new.

INT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - DAY

Einhorn is now in front of the big screen TV SINGING the National Anthem along with Bon Jovi. The thugs, VINNIE and ROC, are behind her standing at attention.

The song ends. The crowd cheers.

In a sultry fashion Einhorn circles Marino now.

EINHORN

I just love Super Bowl Sunday, don't you, Dan? A magical afternoon where dreams are made… or crushed!

DAN

Look lady, if you want tickets, you're going about it in the wrong way.

EINHORN

Do I look familiar to you, Dan? Does it seem as if we've met someplace before?

DAN

I don't know… I get hit in the head a lot!

On the TV the ref makes an announcement.

REF It's tails. The Eagles will receive.

Dan really struggles now.

EINHORN

Oops. Looks like we're going to have to kick, Dan.

Einhorn steps behind a football set up on a tee. And in perfect sync with the kicker on TV, she boots a ball through a window of the warehouse.

Marino doesn't know what to think.

EINHORN

I made some refreshments, Dan. Would you like some refreshments, Dan? I'll be right back, Daaaan!!

She goes. Dan struggles, but to no avail.

MARINO

Look, I don't know how much psycho woman is paying you guys, but I can double it.

VINNIE

Sorry, Danny boy. Psycho woman keeps us out of prison.

Vinnie grabs a feeder fish and entices Snowflake to the surface. Roc raises a football.

ROC Hey, Marino, check it out. I'm throwin' passes to a Dolphin!

He chucks the ball and hits Snowflake, hard. The thugs both laugh hysterically.

Snowflake makes an angry leap and drenches the thugs. Snowflake laughs now, the thugs are furious.

VINNIE

Get some more fish!

INT. BEHIND MACHINERY - CONTINUOUS

Roc walks behind a big piece of machinery, reaches down for the pail of smelts, but sees nothing.

ROC Where the hell's the smelts?

He stands up straight and we all hear that familiar "Pop" of a sunflower seed being cracked open.

Roc's eyes widen. He turns and sees…

Ace coyly smiles at him, blows the sunflower seed shells into his face and CLANG! He whacks Roc in the head with a pail full of fish.

ACE

(doing Brando)

He sleeps with the fishes.

INT. INDUSTRIAL PLANT - CONTINUOUS

VINNIE

Hey Roc, what the hell was that?

Vinnie cocks his gun and goes to check out the sound.

INT. BEHIND MACHINERY - CONTINUOUS

Vinnie rounds the corner and sees nothing. He walks a little further and notices a trail of smelts lined up on the ground.

He follows the trail around a corner and we see Roc, unconscious but moaning. He is sitting against the ground, with his legs spread apart and the pail over his head. The trail of smelts leads to his crotch. There is one halfway into his zipper, with its tail flipping.

Vinnie takes in this sight, then rushes over to Roc and stands him up.

VINNIE

Hey man! What happened? What's goin on…?

We see Ace at the top of a giant machine. He is aiming a 200 pound steel hook, that hangs on a chain from the ceiling.

ACE

Guess what, boys, it's nap time.

Ace gently releases the hook. Just as Vinnie and Roc turn to look, the iron hook shears both of their heads clean off.

Two headless bodies fall to the ground in slow motion with blood gushing from their necks.

CLOSE ON ACE - HORRIFIED

ACE

Hooooly Shiiit! Oh my god! I didn't mean to - Oh man!!!

Ace holds his head and dances around, completely freaking out what he had done.

ACE

(looking to God)

Lord, I swear! I just wanted to knock them out!

Ace abruptly stops to think.

ACE

Is that murder? I don't know. They were gonna kill me. But they didn't… But they tried. That's self defense. That's it!! I have nothing to worry about!!

CUT TO:

Ace nervously whistling as he wipes his fingerprints off the hook.

INT. IRONWORKS FACTORY - FACTORY

Ace checks on Snowflake then goes to Marino. He signals for Dan to keep quiet, then starts to untie him.

MARINO

(whispers)

Who are you?

ACE

(whispers)

Ace Ventura. Pet detective. I've been sent in with a special play.

(whispers)

Quarterback sneak.

WE HEAR THE CLICK OF A GUN.

EINHORN (O.S.)

Penalty. Too many men on the field.

Ace turns. Einhorn's holding a gun on them from the other side of Snowflake's tank.

EINHORN (CON'T)

I warned you, Ventura.

ACE

What happened to "Ace"?

EINHORN

Good question.

She pulls out a cellular phone and dials.

ACE

Be careful with that phone, lieutenant. I wouldn't want you to get a tumor.

EINHORN

(into phone)

Sergeant Aguado, it's Lt. Einhorn. Get some men over to the old ironworks factory on Victoria Road. I've got the kidnapper trapped in the warehouse. It's Ace Ventura. He's killed Marino and Snowflake.

Einhorn smiles as she puts the phone away.

EINHORN

Vinnie! Roc! Get in here!

Ace gets a very guilty look.

ACE

What? Who are they? You mean there's other people here?

EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY

A battalion of cop cars screech away as we hear…

RADIO DISPATCHER

(V.O.)

Attention all units. Code 11 in progress at 343 Victorville Road. Officer needs back-up…

INT. BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM OWNER'S BOX - DAY

The cops and Emilio listen to their ear pieces…

RADIO DISPATCHER

(V.O.)

…Suspect's name: Ace Ventura, male Caucasian, he is armed and dangerous…

Emilio nudges Melissa.

EMILIO

It's Ace. Let's go.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Emilio high tails it out of there. Dodging concession stand patrons, bathroom lines, etc… Melissa runs behind, trying to catch up.

MELISSA

Emilio, is he in trouble?

EMILIO

Don't worry, there's nothing Ace can't handle!

INT. IRONWORKS FACTORY - DAY

Einhorn cocks her gun. Ace's face is glistening with tears. He's a complete wreck.

ACE

Don't kill meeee!! Pleeheeheeheeheeeezzz!!! I'll never tell anyone! I swear!

(indicating Marino)

He's the one you want!! Kill him!!

MARINO

(indicating Ace)

No… kill him!

The two argue. Einhorn fires a shot in the air to stop them.

EINHORN

No, I'm gonna kill the dolphin first.

(to Ace)

I wouldn't want you to miss that.

Einhorn walks to the edge of the tank. She aims the gun at Snowflake and FIRES!

We see the bullet miss Snowflake under water.

Snowflake swims wildly. She FIRES again! Misses again. Suddenly, Ace HOLLERS!

ACE

Blue forty-two!!

Einhorn turns to Ace.

EINHORN

SHUT UP!!

ACE

BLUE FORTY-TWO!

Einhorn shoots at Ace! He dives out of the way.

ACE

HUT! HUT!

Suddenly, Snowflake leaps out of the water and takes the gun out of Einhorn's hand, like the trick we saw earlier. Snowflake swims around the pool with the gun in his mouth.

ACE

(smug)

Yes. The highly trained dolphin. Perhaps the smartest mammal in the animal kingdom. See how he knew exactly what I wanted him to do, as if our minds were somehow in complete synchronization. They have been know to save men at sea you know. They have their own language.

(to Snowflake)

Snowflake. Come here, Snowflake! Bring me the gun!

(makes dolphin sounds)

EEEEEE! EEEEEE! EEEEEE!

Just like the trick in his routine, however, Snowflake swims around the tank, passes Ace, then hands the gun back to Einhorn. He finishes with a tail walk.

ACE

(under his breath)

Stupid fish.

ON TV: Miami's kicker boots a perfect field goal from fifty yards.

JOHN MADDEN

He got all of his leg into that one!

The field goal kicker is hugged by his teammates.

ACE

Good to see someone who doesn't buckle under the pressure?

MARINO

Yeah, not like in 82 when we choked…

Einhorn walks to Ace and puts the gun against his head.

EINHORN

What would you know about pressure?

ACE

Well, I've kissed a man.

JOHN MADDEN (ON TV)

Of course, there's never been a more crucial kick than the famous Kick heard 'round the world…

The famous footage airs on TV. They all turn to watch.

JOHN MADDEN

…I mean, it's clear to me that it was a good hold. Finkle just booted it.

EINHORN

The laces weren't out. THE LACES WEREN'T OUT!!

Einhorn takes a shot at the screen, creating a hole in Madden's forehead. Ace uses the moment to smack the gun out of her hand.

A HUGE, NO-HOLDS-BARRED FIGHT ensues. Ace and Einhorn punch each other about the face and stomach.

Einhorn throws a punch at Ace. Ace goes down.

Einhorn goes for the loose gun. Ace leaps and tackles her.

They both crash into old rusty equipment, raising a mountain of dust. Marino struggles all the while trying to get free.

Einhorn kicks Ace. He flies into Marino.

MARINO

Having a little trouble with the lady, Ace?

ACE

(out of breath)

You don't understand, she's a –

Einhorn grabs Ace, throws him into a head lock and begins wailing on his face.

Meanwhile, cops start arriving, SWAT team members disperse onto the catwalk as the fight continues. They try but can't get a bead on Ace as the two roll around on the floor.

More punches. They fight up a flight of stairs, then back down. To the amazement of the SWAT team, Ace and Einhorn slug it out as equals.

AGUADO

(caught up)

Get him, Lois!

Now they crash through a plate glass window together. Ace gets to his knees first and wobbles toward the gun. It's the first clear shot the SWAT team has had.

EINHORN

(screaming)

Shoot him! Shoot him!

We all hear the guns cocked. We see Ace in the rifle sights. We see fingers twitch on triggers.

A loud voice comes from off camera.

EMILIO

DON'T SHOOT! HOLD YOUR FIRE!

Melissa is holding Emilio's gun under his chin.

MELISSA

Put down your guns or this cop gets it!

The SWAT team hesitates.

MELISSA (CONT'D)

I mean it!!

Much to Emilio's surprise, she cocks the gun.

EMILIO

(whispers to Melissa)

Ah… Melissa? That's a hair trigger.

(loud to cops)

She's not joking!

The SWAT team leader signals his men. They lower their guns. Einhorn gets back to her feet.

EINHORN

He kidnapped Snowflake. He killed Roger Podacter, and he was about to kill Dan Marino and me!

ACE

Ho, ho! Fiction can be fun! But I find the reference section much more enlightening.

(doing his best Clarence Darrow)

For instance, if you were to look up 'professional football's all time bonehead plays', you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle, who missed a twenty-six yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl Seventeen.

(in one breath)

What you wouldn't read about is how Ray Finkle lost his mind, and was committed to a mental institute, only to escape and join the police force under the assumed identity of a missing hker, seducing her way to the top, in a diabolical plan to get even with Dan Marino whom he blamed for the entire thing!!!

Ace gasps for air. Everyone is totally confused.

AGUADO

What the hell are you trying to say?

ACE

She's not Lois Einhorn! She's Ray Finkle! She's a man!

EINHORN

He's lying! Shoot him!

Ace walks over to her.

ACE

Let's just see who's lying. Would a real woman have to wear one of these?

Ace dramatically pulls at Einhorn's hair, thinking it's a wig. Einhorn's head flies back. The hair is real. Ace keeps tugging it.

The SWAT team ready themselves.

ACE (CONT'D)

Boy, that's really on there! But tell me this: Would a real woman be missing these?!

Ace rips open Einhorn's blouse, and reveals two beautiful feminine breasts.

The sharp shooters are tensing. Ace is laughing nervously now.

ACE

Ha, ha, ha! That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend! But I doubt if she could find the time during her busy schedule to get rid of Mr. Knish!!

Ace rips off Einhorn's skirt. Einhorn now stands there fully nude. She appears to be the perfect figure of a woman.

ACE

Oooh boy.

Ace looks at Melissa and Emilio and shrugs his shoulders. Then, just when it seems all is lost, Dan Marino who is back behind Einhorn, motions for Ace to come over.

MARINO

Psst… Ace. Come here.

ACE

(to everyone)

Could you excuse me just a second.

Ace goes to Dan. Melissa still holds Emilio hostage.

EINHORN

Shoot him. Shoot him, now!!

MELISSA

(to cops)

Don't anybody make a move!

Marino whispers something in his ear. Ace looks confident again. He once more addresses the crowd.

ACE

Ladies and gentlemen, my esteemed colleague Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal minds can be wrong, from time to time. But, if I have been mistaken… if the lieutenant is indeed a woman… then my friends, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen!!!

Ace spins Einhorn around now, exposing to the world, the healthy set of male genetalia that Finkle has learned to keep tucked between his legs. (And if we have any balls, we'll actually show it.)

Everyone gasps. CLOSE UP ON EINHORN/FINKLE. He finally drops the facade.

FINKLE

(deepest voice possible)

It was Marino's fault. The laces were in.

(breaking down now)

They were IN!!!

Quick cuts of all the cops spitting with disgust. Then Emilio spits.

Then CLOSE ON Marino spitting. They all have kissed her/him/it. Even Snowflake blows his spout.

Ace confidently cracks a sunflower seed.

ACE

Somebody read it its rights.

Suddenly, Finkle picks up a shard of broken glass and lunges at Ace.

FINKLE

DIE ANIMAL BOYYYYY!!!

Thinking fast Ace sidesteps Finkle and sends him head first into Snowflake's makeshift tank. After a few seconds Finkle fights his way to the surface and thrashes around, helplessly.

FINKLE

(gasping for air)

Help I can't swim!!!

Finkle goes under again. We see him under water sinking down.

Snowflake swims to him now, allowing him to grab onto his fin and pulls Finkle gently to the side of the pool. Finkle lies there exhausted.

Ace reaches down into frame, removing the '82 AFC Championship ring from Finkle's finger. We see that it's the ring with the missing stone. Ace replaces it with the stone in his pocket. It's a perfect fit.

ACE

LLLOOOSER! LLOO HOO SERR HERR HERR!!!

Melissa is still holding the gun on Emilio.

EMILIO

Melissa… you can give me back my gun now.

Melissa has forgotten she even had the gun. She hands it to Emilio and faints in his arms.

Now Aguado appears beside Ace.

AGUADO

I don't know how you did it, Ventura… but that was damn good police work. Alright guys, let's wrap this up!

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

Twenty or more police cars in single file provide more than ample escort for…

…Ace and Marino in Ace's Chevy Bel-Aire with the cracked windshield. Both of them have their heads sticking out so that they can see. Marino has a wad of gum in his mouth.

HIGH ANGLE

The long line of flashing lights and cop cars drives at top speed up Route One. Ace's Bel-Aire right in the middle.

MARINO (O.S.)

hey Ace?

ACE (O.S.)

Yeah, Dan?

MARINO (O.S.)

Got any more gum?

CUT TO:

INT. STADIUM - DAY

The Super Bowl Halftime Show is in progress. Marino is in uniform warming up. Emilio is drooling at the cheerleaders. Ace and Melissa are standing near the fifty yard line taking in the awesome spectacle.

Some fireworks go off around the tank. A marching band plays a triumphant tune. We see a helicopter come up over the side of the stadium carrying Snowflake.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

Ladies and gentlemen, the Miami Dolphins are proud to welcome back to BOBBY RIDDLE Stadium, our beloved mascot and star of the halftime show…

ANGLE ON

The helicopter lowering Snowflake into his tank.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

Snowflake!!

As the crowd roars, Melissa turns to Ace, and with Snowflake in the background performing spectacular flips, they kiss.

ANOTHER ANGLE

As Melissa and Ace kiss, the prized 'White Pigeon' lands on a Gatorade dispenser in the foreground. Ace spots it and starts to make a move.

Just as he closes in for the grab, the Philadelphia Eagles mascot eagle walks up to get a drink and shoos the pigeon away. Ace is furious.

ACE

You idiot! Do you know what you've done?!

The giant eagle head looks up at Ace.

MASCOT

Huh?

Ace grabs him.

ACE

You just cost me ten thousand bucks, Polly!

MASCOT

Yeah Blow me.

ACE

REE HEE HEE HEELYYY?!!!

PULL BACK to find Eagle's mascot and Ace arguing. We can't hear what's said, but there's a lot of finger pointing.

Emilio stops his leering to check out what's going on.

The ANNOUNCER up in the booth reads a release.

ANNOUNCER

The National Football League would now like to offer a special thank you to the man who rescued Dan Marino and our beloved Snowflake…

On the field the mascot shoves Ace. Ace shoves back.

ANNOUNCER (CONT'D)

A great humanitarian, and lover of all animals… Mr. Ace Ventura!

Ace is straddling the eagle, pounding the shit out of giant head.

The image is flashed on the big stadium screen. We freeze frame on this huge picture of Ace, as he looks into camera with his fist raised.

MUSIC UP: THRASH METAL

ROLL CREDITS

THE END


==

Head

==


Hello.

My name's Forrest. Forrest Gump.




Do you want a chocolate?




I could eat

about a million and a half of these.




My mama always said

life was like a box of chocolates.




You never know

what you're going to get.




Those must be comfortable shoes.




I bet you could walk all day in shoes

like that and not feel a thing.




- I wish I had shoes like that.

- My feet hurt.




Mama always said there's an awful lot




you can tell about a person

by their shoes.




Where they're going,

where they've been.




I've worn lots of shoes.




I bet if I think about it real hard,




I could remember

my first pair of shoes.




Mama said they'd take me anywhere.




She said they was my magic shoes.




All right, Forrest,

open your eyes now.




Let's take a little walk around.




How do those feel?




His legs are strong, Mrs Gump,

as strong as I've ever seen.




But his back's as

crooked as a politician.




But we're going to straighten him

right up, aren't we, Forrest?




When I was a baby, Mama named me

after the great Civil War hero




General Nathan Bedford Forrest.




She said we was related to him

in some way.




What he did was he started up

this club called the Ku Klux Klan.




They'd all dress up

in their robes and their bed sheets




and act like a bunch

of ghosts or spooks or something.




They'd even put bed sheets

on their horses and ride around.




And anyway, that's how

I got my name, Forrest Gump.




Mama said the Forrest part

was to remind me that sometimes




we all do things that, well,

just don't make no sense.




This way. Hold on.




All right.

What are y'all staring at?




Haven't you ever seen a little boy

with braces on his legs before?




Don't ever let anybody tell you

they're better than you, Forrest.




If God wanted everybody

to be the same,




he'd have given us all

braces on our legs.




Mama always had a way of explaining

things so I could understand them.




We lived about

a quarter mile off Route




about a half mile

from the town of Greenbow, Alabama.




That's in the county of Greenbow.




Our house had been in Mama's family

since her grandpa's grandpa's grandpa




had come across the ocean

about a thousand years ago.




Since it was just me and Mama

and we had all these empty rooms,




Mama decided to let those rooms out,

mostly to people passing through,




like from Mobile,

Montgomery, places like that.




That's how me and Mama got money.

Mama was a real smart lady.




Remember what I told you, Forrest.




You're no different

than anybody else is.




Did you hear what I said, Forrest?

You're the same as everybody else.




You are no different.




Your boy's different, Mrs Gump.

His I.Q. Is .




Well, we're all different,

Mr Hancock.




She wanted me to have

the finest education,




so she took me to

the Greenbow County Central School.




I met the principal and all.




I want to show you

something, Mrs Gump.




Now, this is normal.

Forrest is right here.




The state requires a minimum I.Q.

Of to attend public school.




Mrs Gump, he's going to have

to go to a special school.




- He'll be just fine.

- What does normal mean anyway?




He might be a bit on the slow side,

but my boy Forrest




will get the same opportunities

as everyone else.




He's not going to some special school

to learn how to retread tyres.




We're talking about

five little points here.




There must be something can be done.




We're a progressive school system.




We don't want to see

anybody left behind.




Is there a Mr Gump, Mrs Gump?




He's on vacation.




Your mama sure does care

about your schooling, son.




You don't say much, do you?




"Finally, he had to try.

It looked easy, but...




"Oh, what happened. First they..."




- Mama, what's vacation mean?

- Vacation?




Where daddy went?




Vacation's when you go somewhere...

and you don't ever come back.




Anyway, I guess you could say

me and Mama was on our own.




But we didn't mind.

Our house was never empty.




There was always

folks coming and going.




- Supper! It's supper, everyone!

- That sure looks special.




Sometimes, we had so many people

staying with us




that every room was filled,

with travellers, you know,




folks living out of their suitcases

and hat cases and sample cases.




Forrest Gump,

it's suppertime! Forrest?




One time, a young man was staying

with us, and he had a guitar case.




Forrest, I told you not to bother

this nice young man.




No, that's all right, ma'am.




I was showing him

a thing or two on the guitar.




All right. Supper's ready

if y'all want to eat.




Yeah, that sounds good.

Thank you, ma'am.




Say, show me that crazy little walk

you did there. Slow it down some.




I liked that guitar. It sounded good.




I started moving around to the music,

swinging my hips.




This one night,

me and Mama was out shopping,




and we walked by Benson's furniture

and appliance store, and guess what?




This is not for children's eyes.




Some years later, that handsome

young man who they called The King,




well, he sung too many songs.




Had himself a heart attack

or something.




It must be hard being a king.




It's funny how you remember some

things, but some things you can't.




- You do your very best now, Forrest.

- I sure will, Mama.




I remember the bus ride

on the first day of school very well.




Are you coming along?




Mama said not to take rides

from strangers.




This is the bus to school.




- I'm Forrest, Forrest Gump.

- I'm Dorothy Harris.




Well, now we ain't strangers anymore.




This seat's taken.




It's taken.




You can't sit here.




You know, it's funny what

a young man recollects,




'cause I don't remember being born.




I don't recall what I got

for my first Christmas,




and I don't know when I went

on my first outdoor picnic,




but I do remember

the first time I heard




the sweetest voice in the wide world.




You can sit here if you want.




I had never seen anything

so beautiful in my life.




She was like an angel.




Well, are you going

to sit down or aren't you?




What's wrong with your legs?




Nothing at all, thank you.

My legs are just fine and dandy.




I just sat next to her on that bus




and had a conversation

all the way to school.




My back's crooked

like a question mark.




Next to Mama, no one ever talked

to me or asked me questions.




Are you stupid or something?




Mama says,

"Stupid is as stupid does."




- I'm Jenny.

- I'm Forrest, Forrest Gump.




From that day on,

we was always together.




Jenny and me

was like peas and carrots.




She taught me how to climb.




Come on, Forrest, you can do it.




I showed her how to dangle.




She helped me learn how to read,

and I showed her how to swing.




Sometimes, we'd just sit out

and wait for the stars.




- Mama's going to worry about me.

- Just stay a little longer.




For some reason,

Jenny never wanted to go home.




OK, Jenny, I'll stay.




She was my most special friend.




My only friend.




My Mama always told me

that miracles happen every day.




Some people don't think so,

but they do.




Hey, dummy!




Are you retarded,

or just plain stupid?




- Look, I'm Forrest Gimp.

- Just run away, Forrest.




Run, Forrest! Run away! Hurry!




- Get the bikes!

- Let's get him! Come on!




Look out, dummy!

We're going to get you!




Run, Forrest, run! Run, Forrest!




Come back here, you!




Run, Forrest! Run!




You wouldn't

believe it if I told you,




but I can run like the wind blows.




From that day on, if I was

going somewhere, I was running.




That boy sure is a running fool.




Remember how I told you that Jenny

never seemed to want to go home?




She lived in a house

that was as old as Alabama.




Her mama had gone to heaven

when she was five,




and her daddy was

some kind of a farmer.




Jenny?




He was a very loving man.




He was always kissing

and touching her and her sisters.




And then this one time, Jenny

wasn't on the bus to go to school.




Jenny,

why didn't you come to school today?




Daddy's taking a nap.




Come on!




Jenny, where'd you run to?

You better get back here, girl!




Where you at?




Jenny! Jenny, where you at?




Pray with me, Forrest. Pray with me.




Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly

far, far, far away from here.




Dear God, make me a bird

so I can fly far...




Mama always said God is mysterious.




He didn't turn Jenny

into a bird that day.




Instead, he had the police say




Jenny didn't have to stay

in that house no more.




She was to live with her grandma,

just over on Creekmore Avenue,




which made me happy,

'cause she was so close.




Some nights, Jenny'd sneak out

and come on over to my house,




just 'cause she said she was scared.

Scared of what, I don't know.




But I think it was her grandma's dog.

He was a mean dog.




Anyway, Jenny and me was best friends

all the way up through high school.




- Hey, stupid!

- Quit it!




Run, Forrest, run!




- Didn't you hear me, stupid?

- Run, Forrest!




Get in the truck!

Come on! He's getting away! Move it!




Run, Forrest! Run!




Run, Forrest!




Now, it used to be

I ran to get where I was going.




I never thought

it would take me anywhere.




Who in the hell is that?




That is Forrest Gump, coach.

Just a local idiot.




And can you believe it?

I got to go to college, too.




- Forrest, move it! Run!

- OK!




- Run!

- Run, you stupid son of a bitch!




Run, son of a bitch, run! Go! Run!




He must be the stupidest son of

a bitch alive, but he sure is fast.




Now, maybe it's just me,

but college was very confusing times.




Federal troops,

enforcing a court order,




integrated

the University of Alabama today.




Two Negroes were admitted,




but only after Governor George

Wallace had carried out




his symbolic threat

to stand in the schoolhouse door.




Earl, what's going on?




Coons are trying to get into school.




Coons? When racoons

tried getting on our back porch,




Mama just chased them off

with a broom.




Not racoons, you idiot. Niggers.

They want to go to school with us.




With us? They do?




Shortly after Governor Wallace




had carried out his promise

to block the doorway,




President Kennedy

ordered the Secretary of Defence




to use military force.




Here, by videotape,

is the encounter by General Graham,




commander of the national guard,

and Governor Wallace.




Because these national guardsmen

are here today




as federal soldiers for Alabama,

and they live within our borders.




They are our brothers.

We are winning in this fight,




because we are awakening

the American people to the dangers




that we have spoken about

so many times, so evident today,




a trend toward military

dictatorship in this country.




And so, at day's end,




the University of Alabama

in Tuscaloosa had been desegregated,




and students Jimmy Hood

and Vivian Malone




had been signed up

for summer classes.




Ma'am, you dropped your book. Ma'am.




Governor Wallace

did what he promised.




By being on the Tuscaloosa campus,

he kept the mob from gathering...




- Say, wasn't that Gump?

- Naw, that couldn't be.




It sure as hell was.




A few years later, that angry

little man at the schoolhouse door




thought it'd be a good idea

and ran for President.




But somebody thought that it wasn't.

But he didn't die.




- My bus is here.

- Is it the number nine?




- No, it's the number four.

- It was nice talking to you.




I remember when that happened, when

Wallace got shot. I was in college.




Did you go to a girls college

or a girls and boys together college?




It was coed.




Jenny went to a college I couldn't go

to. It was a college just for girls.




But I'd go and visit her

every chance I got.




That hurts.




Forrest, stop it! Stop it!

What are you doing?




- He was hurting you.

- No, he wasn't! Get over there!




- Billy, I'm sorry.

- Just keep away from me.




Don't be such a... Don't go.

Billy, wait a second.




He doesn't know any better.




Forrest, why'd you do that?




I brought you some chocolate.

I'm sorry.




I'll go back to my college now.




Look at you.




Come on. Come on.




Is this your own room?




Do you ever dream, Forrest,

about who you're going to be?




Who I'm going to be?

Aren't I going to be me?




You'll always be you,

just another kind of you.




You know? I want to be famous.




I want to be a singer

like Joan Baez.




I just want to be on an empty stage

with my guitar, my voice.




Just me.




And I want to reach people

on a personal level.




I want to be able to say things,

just one to one.




Have you ever been with a girl,

Forrest?




I sit next to them in my home

economics class all the time.




I'm sorry.




- It's OK.

- Sorry.




It's all right.




- It's OK.

- I'm dizzy.




I'll bet that never

happened in home ec.




No.




I think I ruined

your roommate's bathrobe.




I don't care.

I don't like her anyway.




College ran by real fast

'cause I played so much football.




They even put me on a thing

called the All-America team




where you get to meet the President

of the United States.




President Kennedy met with the

collegiate All-American football team




at the Oval Office today.




The really good thing about meeting

the President of the United States




is the food.

They put you in this little room




with just about anything

you'd want to eat or drink.




But since, number one,

I wasn't hungry, but thirsty,




and number two, they was free, I must

have drank about Dr Peppers.




How does it feel

to be an All-American?




It's an honour, sir.




How does it feel

to be an All-American?




Very good, sir.




How does it feel

to be an All-American?




Very good, sir.




- Congratulations. How do you feel?

- I got to pee.




I believe he said he had to pee.




Some time later,

for no particular reason,




somebody shot that nice young

President when he was in his car.




And a few years after that, somebody

shot his little brother, too,




only he was in a hotel kitchen.




Must be hard being brothers.

I wouldn't know.




Now can you believe it?




After only five years of playing

football, I got a college degree.




Congratulations, son.




Mama was so proud.




Forrest, I'm so proud of you.

I'll hold this for you.




Congratulations, son.




Have you given

any thought to your future?




Thought?




Hello. I'm Forrest. Forrest Gump.




Nobody gives a horse's shit

who you are, pus ball!




You're not even a lowlife,

scum-sucking maggot!




Get your maggoty ass on the bus!

You're in the army now!




- Seat's taken.

- Taken.




At first it seemed

like I made a mistake.




It was only my induction day,

and I was getting yelled at.




Sit down if you want to.




I didn't know who I might meet

or what they might ask.




You ever been on a real shrimp boat?




No. But I been on a real big boat.




I'm talking about

a shrimp catching boat.




I been working on shrimp boats

all my life.




I started out on my uncle's boat

when I was about maybe nine.




I was just looking into buying

my own boat and got drafted.




My given name

is Benjamin Buford Blue.




People call me Bubba, just like

one of them old redneck boys.




Can you believe that?




My name's Forrest Gump.

People call me Forrest Gump.




So Bubba was from Bayou La Batre,

Alabama, and his mama cooked shrimp.




And her mama before her

cooked shrimp,




and her mama before her mama

cooked shrimp, too.




Bubba's family knew

everything there was to know




about the shrimping business.




I know everything there is to know

about the shrimping business.




I'm going into the shrimping business

myself after I get out of the army.




Gump! What's your sole purpose

in this army?




To do whatever you tell me,

drill sergeant!




God damn it, Gump,

you're a goddamn genius.




That's the most outstanding answer

I've ever heard.




You must have a goddamn I.Q. Of .

You are goddamn gifted, Private Gump.




Listen up, people!




For some reason, I fit in the army

like one of them round pegs.




It's not really hard.




You just make your bed neat,

remember to stand up straight,




and always answer every question

with "Yes, drill sergeant."




- Is that clear?

- Yes, drill sergeant!




What you do is

drag your nets along the bottom.




On a good day, you can catch

over a hundred pounds of shrimp.




Everything goes all right,

two men shrimping ten hours,




less what you spends on gas...




- Done, drill sergeant!

- Gump!




Why did you put that weapon

together so quickly?




You told me to, drill sergeant.




Jesus H. Christ.

This is a new company record.




If it wasn't a waste

of a fine enlisted man,




I'd recommend you for O.C.S.,

Private Gump.




You're going to be a general someday!




Now disassemble your weapon

and continue!




Anyway, like I was saying,

shrimp is the fruit of the sea.




You can barbecue it,

boil it, broil it, bake it, sauté it.




There's shrimp kabobs, shrimp creole,




shrimp gumbo, pan fried,

deep fried, stir fried.




There's pineapple shrimp

and lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp,




pepper shrimp,

shrimp soup, shrimp stew,




shrimp salad, shrimp in potatoes,

shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich.




That's about it.




Night-time in the army

is a lonely time.




We'd lay there in our bunks,

and I'd miss my mama,




and I'd miss Jenny.




Gump, get a load of the tits on her.




Turns out Jenny had gotten

into some trouble




over some photos of her

in her college sweater.




And she was thrown out of school.




But that wasn't a bad thing,




'cause a man who owns a theatre

in Memphis, Tennessee,




saw those photos and offered Jenny

a job singing in a show.




The first chance I got,

I took the bus up to Memphis




to see her perform in that show.




That was Amber, Amber Flame.

Give her a big hand.




And now, for your listening

and viewing pleasure,




direct from Hollywood, California,

our very own beatnik beauty.




Let's give a big round of applause

to the luscious Bobbie Dylon.




Her dream had come true.

She was a folk singer.




- Come on baby, shake it up now!

- Somebody get her a harmonica.




- This ain't Captain Kangaroo!

- I got something here for you.




God damn it!




Hey, you stupid jerk!

I'm singing a song here.




Paulie, get out here!




Shut up!




Forrest! What are you doing here?

What are you doing?




What are you doing, Forrest?

Let me down!




You can't keep doing this, Forrest.

You can't keep trying to rescue me.




- They was trying to grab you.

- A lot of people try to grab me.




You can't keep

doing this all the time.




I can't help it. I love you.




You don't know what love is.




You remember that time

we prayed, Forrest?




We prayed for God to turn me

into a bird so I could fly far away?




Yes, I do.




You think

I could fly off this bridge?




What do you mean, Jenny?




Nothing.




I gotta get out of here.




- Wait, Jenny.

- Forrest, you stay away from me, OK?




Just stay away from me, please.




- Can I have a ride?

- Where are you going?




- I don't care.

- Get in the truck.




So bye-bye, Jenny.




They sending me to Vietnam.




It's this whole other country.




Just hang on a minute.




Listen, you promise me something, OK?




Just if you're ever in trouble,

don't be brave.




- You just run, OK? Just run away.

- OK.




I'll write you all the time.




And just like that, she was gone.




You come back safe to me.

Do you hear?




They told us that Vietnam

was going to be very different




from the United States of America.




Except for all the beer cans

and barbecues, it was.




I'll bet there's shrimp

all in these waters.




They tell me these Vietnams

is good shrimp.




After we win this war

and we take over everything,




we can get American shrimpers out

here and shrimp these waters.




Just shrimp all the time, man.




- You must be my FNGs.

- Morning, sir.




Get your hands down.

Do not salute me.




There are goddamn snipers

all around this area




who'd love to grease an officer.




I'm Lieutenant Dan Taylor.

Welcome to Fort Platoon.




- What's wrong with your lip?

- I was born with big gums, sir.




Well, you better tuck that in.

Gonna get that caught on a trip wire.




Where are you boys from in the world?




- Alabama, sir!

- You twins?




No. We are not relations, sir.




Look, it's pretty basic here.

You stick with me and learn




from the guys who've been in country

a while, you'll be all right.




There is one item of G.I. Gear




that can be the difference

between life and death. Socks.




Cushioned sole, O.D. Green.

Try and keep your feet dry.




When we're out humpin',

change your socks whenever we stop.




The Mekong will eat

a grunt's feet right off his legs.




Sergeant Sims. God damn it, where's

that sling rope I said to order?




- I put in the requisitions.

- Well, call those sons of bitches...




Lieutenant Dan knew his stuff. I felt

real lucky he was my lieutenant.




He was from a long,

great military tradition.




Somebody in his family

had fought and died




in every single American war.




God damn it, kick some ass.

Get on it!




I guess you could say

he had a lot to live up to.




So, you boys from Arkansas?

Well, I been through there.




Little Rock's a fine town.




Now, shake down your gear.

See the platoon sergeant.




Draw what you need for the field.




If you boys are hungry, we got

steaks burning right over here.




Two standing orders in this platoon.

One, take good care of your feet.




Two, try not to do anything stupid,

like getting yourself killed.




I sure hope I don't let him down.




I got to see a lot of countryside.

We would take these real long walks.




And we were always lookin'

for this guy named Charlie.




- Hold it up!

- Hold up, boys!




It wasn't always fun.




Lieutenant Dan was always getting

these funny feelings




about a rock or a trail or the road,

so he'd tell us to get down, shut up.




Get down! Shut up!




So we did.




I don't know much about anything,




but I think some of America's

best young men served in this war.




There was Dallas from Phoenix.




Cleveland, he was from Detroit.




Hey, Tex. What the hell's going on?




And Tex was... Well, I don't

remember where Tex come from.




Ah, nothing.




Fourth platoon, on your feet.




Y'all got clicks

to go to that river. Move out.




- One, two, hup!

- Step it up! Look alive out there.




The good thing about Vietnam

is there was always someplace to go.




Fire in the hole!




Gump, check out that hole.




And there was always something to do.




Mount 'em up!

Spread out! Cover his back!




One day it started raining,

and it didn't quit for four months.




We've been through every

kind of rain there is.




Little bitty stinging rain

and big old fat rain,




rain that flew in sideways,

and sometimes rain even seemed




to come straight up from underneath.




Shoot, it even rained at night.




- Hey, Forrest.

- Hey, Bubba.




I'm going to lean up against you.

You lean up against me.




This way we don't have to sleep

with our heads in the mud.




You know why

we're a good partnership, Forrest?




'Cause we be watching out for one

another, like brothers and stuff.




Hey, Forrest,

something I been thinking about.




I got a very important question

to ask you.




How would you like to go

into the shrimping business with me?




- OK.

- Man, I tell you what.




I got it all figured out, too.




So many pounds of shrimp

will pay off the boat.




So many pounds for gas.

We'll live right on the boat.




We ain't got to pay no rent.




We can just work it together, split

everything right down the middle.




Man, I'm telling you, - . Hey,

Forrest, all the shrimp you can eat.




That's a fine idea.




Bubba did have a fine idea.




I even wrote Jenny

and told her all about it.




I sent her letters.

Not every day, but almost.




I told her what I was doing

and asked her what she was doing,




and told her

how I thought about her always.




And how I was looking forward

to getting a letter from her




just as soon as she had the time.




I'd always let her know

that I was OK.




Then I'd sign each letter

"Love, Forrest Gump."




This one day,

we was out walking like always,




and then, just like that,

somebody turned off the rain,




and the sun come out.




Ambush! Take cover!




- Get that pig up here, God damn it!

- Forrest, are you OK?




Strong Arm, Strong Arm!




- We've got a man down.

- Strong Arm, this is Leg Lima !




Roger, Strong Arm! We have incoming

from the treeline at Point Blue...




...plus two! A.K. S and rockets!

We're getting it hard!




- Misfire! Misfire!

- God damn it!




Get that pig unfucked

and put it in the treeline!




They got us down, hard and hurt.




We're going to move back

to the blue line.




Pull back! Pull back!




- Forrest! Run, Forrest!

- Pull back!




- Run! Run, man! Run!

- Pull back, Gump!




Run, God damn it! Run!




I ran and ran

just like Jenny told me to.




I ran so far so fast that soon I was

all by myself, which was a bad thing.




Bubba was my best good friend.

I had to make sure he was OK.




Where the hell are you?




And on my way back to find Bubba,

there was a boy laying on the ground.




Tex. OK.




I couldn't let him lay there

all alone, scared the way he was,




so I grabbed him up

and run him out of there.




Every time I went back

looking for Bubba,




somebody else was saying,

"Help me, Forrest, help me!"




OK. Here. Here.




No sweat, man.

Lay back. You'll be OK.




I started to get scared

that I might never find Bubba.




I know my position is danger close!

We got Charlie all over this area.




I got to have those fast movers

in here now. Over.




Lieutenant Dan, Coleman's dead!




I know he's dead! My whole

goddamn platoon is wiped out!




God damn it! What are you doing?

You leave me here!




Get away.

Just leave me here! Get out!




God, I said leave me here,

God damn it!




Leg Lima six, this is strong-arm.




Be advised your fast

movers are inbound. Over.




Then it felt like something

just jumped up and bit me.




Something bit me!




Goddamn son of a bitch!




I can't leave the platoon.

I told you to leave me there, Gump.




Forget about me. Get yourself out!

Did you hear what I said?




Gump, damn it, put me down.

Get your ass out of here.




I didn't ask you to pull me out

of there, God damn you!




- Where do you think you're going?

- To get Bubba.




I got an air strike

inbound right now.




They're going to nape the whole area.

Stay here! That's an order.




I gotta find Bubba!




I'm OK, Forrest. I'm OK.




- Bubba, no.

- I'll be all right.




Come on. Come on. Come on.




I'm OK, Forrest.




I'm OK. I'm fine.




Top smoke. Get it up there.




If I'd have known this was going

to be the last time me and Bubba




was gonna talk, I'd of thought

of something better to say.




- Hey, Bubba.

- Hey, Forrest.




- Forrest, why did this happen?

- You got shot.




Then Bubba said something

I won't ever forget.




I want to go home.




Bubba was my best good friend.




And even I know that ain't something

you can find just around the corner.




Bubba was going to be

a shrimping boat captain,




but instead, he died right

there by that river in Vietnam.




That's all I have to say about that.




It was a bullet, wasn't it?




- A bullet?

- That jumped up and bit you.




Yes, sir.

Bit me directly in the but-tocks.




They said it was a million

dollar wound, but...




The army must keep that money,




'cause I still ain't seen a nickel

of that million dollars.




The only good thing

about being wounded in the but-tocks




is the ice cream.




They gave me all the ice cream

I could eat. And guess what?




A good friend of mine was

in the bed right next door.




Lieutenant Dan,

I got you some ice cream.




Lieutenant Dan, ice cream!




It's time for your bath,

Lieutenant.




Harper!




Cooper. Larson.




Webster. Gump.




- Gump!

- I'm Forrest Gump.




Kyle. Nichols.




McMill. Johnson.




Gump, how can you watch

that stupid shit? Turn it off.




You are tuned to the American Forces

Vietnam Network.




This is Channel Saigon.




Good catch, Gump.

You know how to play this?




Come on. Let me show you.




The secret to this game is

no matter what happens,




never, ever take your eye

off the ball.




All right.




For some reason, ping-pong

came very natural to me.




See? Any idiot can play.




So I started playing it all the time.




I played ping-pong even when I didn't

have anyone to play ping-pong with.




The hospital's people said it

made me look like a duck in water,




whatever that means.




Even Lieutenant Dan

would come and watch me play.




I played ping-pong so much,

I even played it in my sleep.




Now, you listen to me.

We all have a destiny.




Nothing just happens.

It's all part of a plan!




I should have died

out there with my men,




but now, I'm nothing but

a goddamn cripple, a legless freak!




Look. Look! Look at me!

You see that?




Do you know what it's like

not to be able to use your legs?




Yes, sir, I do.




Did you hear what I said?

You cheated me! I had a destiny.




I was supposed to die in the field

with honour!




That was my destiny,

and you cheated me out of it!




You understand what I'm saying, Gump?




This wasn't supposed to happen,

not to me. I had a destiny.




I was Lieutenant Dan Taylor.




You're still Lieutenant Dan.




Look at me.

What am I going to do now?




What am I going to do now?




PFC Gump?




- Yes, sir!

- As you were.




Son, you been awarded

the Medal of Honour.




Guess what, Lieutenant Dan?

They want to give me a med...




Ma'am, what did they do

with Lieutenant Dan?




They sent him home.




Two weeks later, I left Vietnam.




The ceremony was kicked off

with a candid speech by the President




regarding the need for further

escalation of the war in Vietnam.




President Johnson awarded four medals

of honour to men from each...




America owes you

a debt of gratitude, son.




I understand you were wounded.

Where were you hit?




In the but-tocks, sir.




Well, that must be a sight.

I'd kinda like to see that.




God damn, son!




After that, Mama went

to the hotel to lay down,




so I went out for a walk

to see our capital.




Hilary! I got the vets.

What do you want to do with them?




It's a good thing Mama was resting,




'cause the streets was

awful crowded with people




lookin' at all the statues

and monuments,




and some of them people

were loud and pushy.




OK, follow me! Move it out!




Everywhere I went,

I had to stand in line.




Come on. Go!




You're a good man

for doing this. Good.




OK.




There was this man

giving a little talk.




And for some reason, he was wearing

an American flag for a shirt.




And he liked to say

the "F" Word a lot.




"F" This and "F" That.




And every time he said the "F" Word,

people, for some reason, cheered.




Come on, man. Come up here, man.




Come on. Come on. Yeah, you!

Come on. Move, move!




Go on. Let's get up there.




Tell us a little bit

about the war, man.




- The war in Vietnam?

- The war in Viet-fuckin'-nam!




Well...




There was only one thing

I could say about the war in Vietnam.




There's only one thing

I can say about the war in Vietnam.




In Vietnam...




What the hell are you do...




I'll beat your head in,

you goddamn oinker!




Jesus Christ!

What did they do with this?




Can't hear you!




Can't hear anything!




This... This one! Give me that!




Speak up!




That's it.




And that's all I have to say

about that.




That's so right on, man.

You said it all.




- What's your name, man?

- My name is Forrest. Forrest Gump.




- Forrest Gump.

- Gump!




It was the happiest moment

of my life.




Jenny and me were just

like peas and carrots again.




She showed me around and introduced

me to some of her new friends.




Shut that blind, man! And get your

white ass away from that window.




Don't you know we in a war here?




- He's cool. He's one of us.

- Let me tell you about us.




Our purpose here

is to protect our black leaders




from the racial onslaught of the pig




who wishes to brutalise

our black leaders,




rape our women,

and destroy our black communities.




- Who's the baby killer?

- This is my friend I told you about.




This is Forrest Gump.

Forrest, this is Wesley.




Wesley and I

lived together in Berkeley,




and he's the president

of the Berkeley chapter of SDS.




We are here to offer

protection and help




for all those who need our help,

because we, the Black Panthers,




are against the war in Vietnam.




We are against any war where black

soldiers are sent to the front line




to die for a country that hates them.




We are against any war

where black soldiers go to fight




and come to be brutalised

and killed in their own communities.




We are against all these racist

and imperial acts...




Forrest! Stop it! Stop it!




I shouldn't have brought you here.




I should have known it was going

to be some bullshit hassle!




He should not be hitting you, Jenny.




Come on, Forrest.




Sorry I had a fight in the middle

of your Black Panther party.




He doesn't mean it

when he does things like this.




I would never hurt you, Jenny.




- I know you wouldn't, Forrest.

- I wanted to be your boyfriend.




That uniform is a trip, Forrest.

You look handsome in it. You do.




- You know what?

- What?




I'm glad we were here together

in our nation's capital.




Me, too, Forrest.




We walked around all night,

Jenny and me, just talkin'.




She told me about

all the travelling she'd done




and how she discovered

ways to expand her mind




and learn how to live in harmony,

which must be out west somewhere,




'cause she made it

all the way to California.




Hey. Anybody

want to go to San Francisco?




- I'll go.

- Far out!




It was a very special night

for the two of us.




I didn't want it to end.




- Wish you wouldn't go, Jenny.

- I have to, Forrest.




Jenny?

Things got a little out of hand.




It's just this war and that lying

son of a bitch Johnson and...




I would never hurt you.

You know that.




Know what I think?




I think you should go home

to Greenbow, Alabama!




Forrest, we have very different

lives, you know.




I want you to have this.




Forrest, I can't keep this.




I got it just by doing

what you told me to do.




- Why are you so good to me?

- You're my girl.




I'll always be your girl.




And just like that,

she was gone out of my life again.




It's one small step for man,

one giant leap for mankind.




I thought I was going back

to Vietnam, but instead they decided




the best way for me to fight

the communists was to play ping-pong,




so I was in the Special Services,

travelling around the country,




cheering up wounded veterans and

showing 'em how to play ping-pong.




I was so good,




the Army decided I should be

on the All-American ping-pong team.




We were the first Americans

to visit the land of China




in a million years or something.




Somebody said world peace

was in our hands,




but all I did was play ping-pong.




When I got home,

I was a national celebrity,




famouser even than Captain Kangaroo.




Here he is, Forrest Gump. Right here.




- Forrest Gump, John Lennon.

- Welcome home.




Can you tell us, what was China like?




In the land of China,

people hardly got nothin' at all.




No possessions?




And in China,

they never go to church.




- No religion, too?

- Hard to imagine.




Well, it's easy if you try, Dick.




Some years later,

that nice young man from England




was on his way home to see his little

boy and was signing some autographs.




For no particular reason at all,

somebody shot him.




They gave you

The Congressional Medal of Honour.




Now, that's Lieutenant Dan.




Lieutenant Dan!




They gave you

the Congressional Medal of Honour.




Yes, sir. They surely did.




They gave you, an imbecile,

a moron who goes on television




and makes a fool out of himself

in front of the whole damn country,




the Congressional Medal of Honour.




Yes, sir.




Well, that's just perfect!




Well, I just got one thing to say

to that. Goddamn bless America.




Lieutenant Dan!




Lieutenant Dan

said he was living in a hotel.




Because he didn't have no legs, he

spent his time exercising his arms.




Take a right. Take a right!




Come on, already!




What do you do here in New York,

Lieutenant Dan?




I'm living off the government tit.




Are you blind? I'm walking here!

Get out! Come on. Go, go, go!




I stayed with Lieutenant Dan

and celebrated the holidays.




You have a great year,

and hurry home. God bless you.




Have you found Jesus yet, Gump?




I didn't know I was supposed

to be looking for him, sir.




That's all these cripples at the VA,

that's all they ever talk about.




Jesus this and Jesus that.

Have I found Jesus?




They even had a priest

come and talk to me.




He said God is listening,

but I have to help myself.




Now, if I accept Jesus into my heart,




I'll get to walk beside him

in the kingdom of heaven.




Did you hear what I said?




Walk beside him

in the kingdom of heaven.




Well, kiss my crippled ass. God

is listening? What a crock of shit.




I'm going to heaven, Lieutenant Dan.




Well...




Before you go, why don't you

get your ass down to the corner




- and get us more ripple?

- Yes, sir.




We're at approximately th street

in New York City at One Astor Plaza.




This is the site

of the old Astor Hotel...




- What the hell is in Bayou La Batre?

- Shrimping boats.




Shrimping boats? Who gives a shit

about shrimping boats?




I got to buy me one

soon as I have some money.




I promised Bubba in Vietnam




that as soon as the war was over,

we'd be partners.




He'd be the captain

and I'd be his first mate.




But now that he's dead,

I got to be the captain.




A shrimp boat captain.




Yes, sir. A promise is a promise,

Lieutenant Dan.




Now hear this!




Private Gump here is gonna be

a shrimp boat captain.




Tell you what, Gilligan. The day

you are a shrimp boat captain,




I will come and be your first mate.




If you're ever a shrimp boat captain,

that's the day I'm an astronaut!




Danny, what are you complaining

about? How you doing?




- Mr Hot Wheels. Who's your friend?

- My name is Forrest. Forrest Gump.




This is Cunning Carla

and Long-limbs Lenore.




So where you been, babycakes?

Haven't seen you around lately.




You should have been here

for Christmas,




'cause Tommy bought a free round

and gave everybody a turkey sandwich.




Well, I had company.




We was just there!

That's Times Square.




Don't you just love New Year's?

You can start all over.




Everybody gets a second chance.




It's funny,

but in the middle of all that fun,




I began to think about Jenny,




wondering how she was spending her

New Year's night out in California.




Nine, eight, seven, six,




five, four, three, two, one!

Happy New Year!




Happy New Year, Lieutenant Dan!




What are you, stupid or something?

What's your problem?




What's his problem? Did you lose

your packet in the war or something?




- Is your friend stupid or something?

- What did you say?




I said is your friend

stupid or something?




- Don't call him stupid!

- Hey, don't push her!




You shut up!

Don't you ever call him stupid!




Why you so upset?




Get your goddamn clothes

and get the hell out of here!




You should be in a sideshow.

You're so pathetic!




Get out of here!




- You retard!

- Loser. You freak!




Oh, no.




I'm sorry I ruined your New Year's

Eve party, Lieutenant Dan.




She tastes like cigarettes.




I guess Lieutenant Dan figured

there's some things you can't change.




He didn't want to be called crippled




like I didn't want

to be called stupid.




Happy New Year, Gump.




The U.S. Ping-pong team met

with President Nixon today...




Wouldn't you know it?

A few months later,




they invited me and the ping-pong

team to visit the White House.




So I went, again.




And I met the President

of the United States again.




Only this time, they didn't get us

rooms in a real fancy hotel.




Are you enjoying yourself

in our nation's capital, young man?




- Where are you staying?

- It's called the Hotel Ebbott.




Oh, no. I know a much nicer hotel.




It's brand-new. Very modern.

I'll have my people take care of it.




- Security.

- Yeah. Sir...




You might want to send a maintenance

man to that office across the way.




The lights are off and they must be

looking for a fuse box,




'cause them flashlights,

they're keeping me awake.




- OK, sir. I'll check it out.

- Thank you. Good night.




Therefore,

I shall resign the presidency




effective at noon tomorrow.

Vice President Ford




will be sworn in as President

at that hour in this office.




- Forrest Gump.

- Yes, sir!




As you were. I have your

discharge papers. Service is up, son.




Does this mean

I can't play ping-pong no more?




For the Army, it does.




And just like that, my service

in the United States Army was over.




So I went home.




- I'm home, Mama.

- I know. I know.




Louise, he's here.




When I got home, I had no idea,

but Mama'd had all sorts of visitors.




We've had all sorts of visitors.




Everybody wants you to use

their ping-pong stuff.




One man even left a check for $




if you'd be agreeable to saying

you like using their paddle.




I only like using my own paddle.




- Hi, Miss Louise.

- Hey, Forrest.




I know that,

but it's $ Forrest.




I thought maybe

you could hold it for a while,




see if it grows on you.




That Mama, she sure was right.

It's funny how things work out.




I didn't stay home for long




because I'd made a promise to Bubba,

and I always try to keep my promise,




so I went on down to Bayou La Batre

to meet Bubba's family.




Are you crazy or just plain stupid?




- Stupid is as stupid does, Mrs Blue.

- I guess.




And, of course,

I paid my respect to Bubba himself.




Hey, Bubba. It's me, Forrest Gump.




I remember everything you said,

and I got it all figured out.




I'm taking $ . that I got,




that's left after a new haircut

and a new suit




and I took Mama out

to a real fancy dinner,




and I bought a bus ticket,

and three Dr Peppers.




Tell me something.

Are you stupid or something?




Stupid is as stupid does, sir.




That's what's left after me saying,




"When I was in China

on the All-America ping-pong team,




"I just loved playing ping-pong




"with my Flex-o-lite

ping-pong paddle,"




which everybody knows isn't true,




but Mama said it was just a little

white lie, it wasn't hurting nobody.




So anyway,

I'm putting all that on gas, ropes,




and new nets

and a brand-new shrimping boat.




Bubba told me everything

he knew about shrimping,




but you know what I found out?




Shrimping is tough.




I only caught five.




A couple more,

you can have yourself a cocktail.




You ever think about

naming this old boat?




It's bad luck

to have a boat without a name.




I'd never named a boat before,




but there was only one

I could think of,




the most beautiful name

in the wide world.




I hadn't heard from Jenny in a long

while, but I thought about her a lot.




I hoped whatever she was doing

made her happy.




I thought about Jenny all the time.




Lieutenant Dan,

what are you doing here?




Well, thought I'd try out

my sea legs.




Well, you ain't got no legs,

Lieutenant Dan.




Yes, I know that.

You wrote me a letter, you idiot.




Well, well. Captain Forrest Gump.

I had to see this for myself.




And I told you if you were

ever a shrimp boat captain,




that I'd be your first mate.

Well, here I am.




- I'm a man of my word.

- OK.




But don't you be thinking that

I'm going to be calling you "Sir."




No, sir.




That's my boat.




I have a feeling if we head due east,




we'll find some shrimp.

So take a left.




- Take a left!

- Which way?




Over there! They're over there!




- Get on the wheel and take a left.

- OK.




Gump, what are you doing?

Take a left! Left!




That's where we're going

to find those shrimp, my boy!




That's where we'll find them.




- Still no shrimp, Lieutenant Dan.

- OK, so I was wrong.




How are we going to find them?




Maybe you should

just pray for shrimp.




So I went to church every Sunday.




Sometimes Lieutenant Dan came too,

though he left the praying up to me.




- No shrimp.

- Where the hell's this God of yours?




It's funny Lieutenant Dan said that,

'cause right then God showed up.




You'll never sink this boat!




Now, me, I was scared,

but Lieutenant Dan, he was mad.




Come on!




You call this a storm?

Come on, you son of a bitch!




It's time for a showdown! You and me!

I'm right here! Come and get me!




You'll never sink this boat!




Hurricane Carmen

came through here yesterday,




destroying nearly everything

in its path.




And as in other towns

up and down the coast,




Bayou La Batre's

entire shrimping industry




has fallen victim to Carmen

and has been left in utter ruin.




This reporter has learned,




in fact, only one shrimping boat

actually survived the storm.




Louise. Louise, there's Forrest.




After that, shrimping was easy.




Since people still needed

them shrimps for shrimp cocktails




and barbecues and all, and we were

the only boat left standing,




Bubba-Gump shrimp's what they got.

We got a whole bunch of boats.




Twelve Jennys, big old warehouse.




We even have hats

that say "Bubba-Gump" on them.




Bubba-Gump Shrimp. A household name.




Hold on there, boy.




Are you telling me you're the owner

of the Bubba-Gump Shrimp Corporation?




Yes. We got more money

than Davy Crockett.




Boy, I heard some whoppers

in my time, but that tops them all.




We were sitting

next to a millionaire.




Well, I thought it was

a very lovely story,




and you tell it so well,

with such enthusiasm.




Would you like to see

what Lieutenant Dan looks like?




Yes, I would.




That's him right there.




Let me tell you something

about Lieutenant Dan.




I never thanked you

for saving my life.




He never actually said so, but

I think he made his peace with God.




For the second time in days,




President Ford escaped

possible assassination today.




- Base to Jenny . Base to Jenny .

- Jenny . Go, Margo.




Forrest has a phone call.




Well, you'll have to tell them

to call him back.




- He is indisposed at the moment.

- His mama's sick.




- Where's Mama?

- She's upstairs.




Hi, Forrest.




- I'll see you tomorrow.

- All right.




Sure got you straightened out,

didn't we, boy?




- What's the matter, Mama?

- I'm dying, Forrest.




Come on in, sit down over here.




- Why are you dying, Mama?

- It's my time. It's just my time.




Now, don't you be afraid, sweetheart.




Death is just a part of life.

Something we're all destined to do.




I didn't know it,

but I was destined to be your mama.




- I did the best I could.

- You did good.




Well, I happen to believe

you make your own destiny.




You have to do the best

with what God gave you.




What's my destiny, Mama?




You're going to have

to figure that out for yourself.




Life is a box of chocolates, Forrest.




You never know

what you're going to get.




Mama always had a way of explaining

things so I could understand them.




I will miss you, Forrest.




She had got the cancer

and died on a Tuesday.




I bought her a new hat

with little flowers on it.




And that's all

I have to say about that.




Didn't you say you were waiting

for the number seven bus?




There'll be another one

along shortly.




Now, because I had been

a football star and war hero




and national celebrity

and a shrimping boat captain




and a college graduate, the city

fathers of Greenbow, Alabama,




decided to get together

and offered me a fine job.




So I never went back

to work for Lieutenant Dan,




though he did take care

of my Bubba-Gump money.




He got me invested

in some kind of fruit company.




I got a call from him saying we don't

have to worry about money no more,




and I said,

"That's good. One less thing."




Now Mama said there's only

so much fortune a man really needs,




and the rest is just for showing off.




So I gave a whole bunch of it

to the Foursquare Gospel Church.




And I gave a whole bunch to the

Bayou La Batre fishing hospital.




And even though Bubba was dead

and Lieutenant Dan said I was nuts,




I gave Bubba's mama Bubba's share.




You know what?




She didn't have to work

in nobody's kitchen no more.




That smells wonderful.




And 'cause I was a gozillionaire

and I liked doing it so much,




I cut that grass for free.




But at night-time

when there was nothing to do




and the house was all empty,

I'd always think of Jenny.




And then, she was there.




- Hello, Forrest.

- Hello, Jenny.




Jenny came back and stayed with me.




Maybe it was because

she had nowhere else to go,




or maybe it was because she was

so tired, 'cause she went to bed




and slept and slept,

like she hadn't slept in years.




It was wonderful having her home.




Every day we'd take a walk, and I'd

jabber on like a monkey in a tree,




and she'd listen about

ping-ponging and shrimping




and Mama making a trip up to heaven.

I did all the talking.




Jenny most of the time

was real quiet.




How could you do this?




Sometimes I guess there

just aren't enough rocks.




I never really knew

why she came back, but I didn't care.




It was like olden times.

We was like peas and carrots again.




Every day, I'd pick pretty flowers

and put them in her room for her,




and she gave me the best gift anyone

could ever get in the wide world.




They're just for running.




And she even showed me how to dance.




Well, we was like family,

Jenny and me...




and it was the happiest time

in my life.




You done watching it?

I'm going to bed.




Will you marry me?




I'd make a good husband, Jenny.




You would, Forrest.




But you won't marry me.




You don't want to marry me.




Why don't you love me, Jenny?




I'm not a smart man,

but I know what love is.




Forrest, I do love you.




- Where are you running off to?

- I'm not running.




That day, for no particular reason,

I decided to go for a little run.




So I ran to the end of the road,

and when I got there




I thought maybe I'd run

to the end of town.




President Carter,

suffering from heat exhaustion...




And when I got there,




I thought maybe I'd just

run across Greenbow County.




Now, thinking since I'd run this far,




maybe I'd just run across

the great state of Alabama.




And that's what I did.

I ran clear across Alabama.




No particular reason.

I just kept on going.




I ran clear to the ocean.




And when I got there,

I figured since I'd gone this far,




might as well turn around,

just keep on going.




And when I got to another ocean,

I figured since I'd gone this far,




I might as well just turn back

and keep right on going.




When I got tired, I slept.

When I got hungry, I ate.




When I had to go...

you know... I went.




- And so, you just ran.

- Yeah.




I'd think a lot about Mama

and Bubba and Lieutenant Dan.




But most of all, I thought about

Jenny. I thought about her a lot.




For more than two years,

a man named Forrest Gump,




a gardener from Greenbow, Alabama,

stopping only to sleep,




has been running across America.

Charles Cooper reports.




For the fourth time

on his journey across America,




Forrest Gump the gardener will cross

the Mississippi River again today.




- I'll be damned. Forrest?

- Why are you running?




- Are you doing this for world peace?

- For the homeless?




- Are you running for women's rights?

- The environment?




They couldn't believe somebody would

do all that running for no reason.




- Why are you doing this?

- I just felt like running.




I just felt like runnin'.




It's you.

I can't believe it's really you.




For some reason, what I was doing

seemed to make sense to people.




It was like an alarm

went off in my head.




I said, "Here's a guy

that's got his act together.




"Here's somebody who has the answer."

I'll follow you anywhere, Mr Gump.




So I got company.




And after that, I got more company.

And then, even more people joined in.




Somebody later told me

it gave people hope.




I don't know anything about that,




but some of those people asked me

if I could help them out.




I was wondering if you might help me.

I'm in the bumper sticker business.




I need a good slogan, and since

you've been so inspirational,




I thought

you might be able to help me...




Whoa, man! You just ran

through a big pile of dog shit!




- It happens.

- What, shit?




Sometimes.




And some years later, I heard

that that fella did come up




with a bumper sticker slogan

and made a lot of money off of it.




Another time, I was running along,




somebody who'd lost all his money

in the t-shirt business,




he wanted to put my face

on a t-shirt,




but he couldn't draw that well,

and he didn't have a camera.




Here, use this one.

Nobody likes that colour anyway.




Have a nice day.




Some years later,

I found out that that man did come up




with an idea for a t-shirt.

He made a lot of money.




Anyway, like I was saying,

I had a lot of company.




Mama always said, "Put the past

behind you before you can move on."




And I think

that's what my running was all about.




I had run for three years,

two months, days and hours.




Quiet. Quiet.

He's going to say something.




I'm pretty tired.




Think I'll go home now.




Now what are we supposed to do?




And just like that,

my runnin' days was over.




So I went home to Alabama.




Moments ago, at . p.m., as

President Reagan was leaving the...




...five or six gunshots were fired

by an unknown would-be assassin.




The President was shot

in the chest...




I picked up the mail.




And one day, out of the blue clear

sky, I got a letter from Jenny




wondering if I could come down

to Savannah and see her,




and that's what I'm doing here.




She saw me on TV, running.




I'm supposed to go on the number nine

bus to Richmond Street




and get off and go one block left

to Henry Street, apartment .




Why, you don't need to take a bus.




Henry Street is just five

or six blocks down that way.




- Down that way?

- Down that way.




It was nice talking to you.




I hope everything works out for you!




- How you doin'? Come in! Come in!

- I got your letter.




- I was wondering about that.

- This your house?




Yeah. It's messy right now.

I just got off work.




It's nice. You got air conditioning.




- Thank you.

- I ate some.




I kept a scrapbook of your clippings,

and everything. There you are.




And this, I got you running.




I ran a long way. It's a long time.




And there...




Listen, Forrest,

I don't know how to say this.




I just I want to apologise

for anything that I ever did to you




'cause I was messed up

for a long time, and...




- Hi.

- Hey, you.




- This is an old friend from Alabama.

- How do you do?




Next week my schedule changes,

so I can...




No problem. Got to go.

I'm double-parked.




OK. Thanks.




This is my very good friend Mr Gump.

Can you say hi?




- Hello, Mr Gump.

- Hello.




- Can I go watch TV now?

- Yes. Just keep it low.




- You're a mama, Jenny.

- I'm a mama.




- His name's Forrest.

- Like me!




- I named him after his daddy.

- He got a daddy named Forrest, too?




You're his daddy, Forrest.




Forrest, look at me.

Look at me, Forrest.




There's nothing you need to do.

You didn't do anything wrong. OK?




Isn't he beautiful?




He's the most beautiful thing

I've ever seen.




But...




Is he smart? Can he...




He's very smart. He's one

of the smartest in his class.




Yeah, it's OK. Go talk to him.




- What are you watching?

- Bert and Ernie.




Forrest, I'm sick.




What, do you have

a cough due to a cold?




I have some virus, and the doctors,

they don't know what it is,




and there isn't

anything they can do about it.




You could come home with me.




You and little Forrest could

come stay at my house in Greenbow.




I'll take care of you if you're sick.




Would you marry me, Forrest?




OK.




Please take your seats.




Forrest? It's time to start.




Hi. Your tie.




Lieutenant Dan.




- Lieutenant Dan.

- Hello, Forrest.




You got new legs. New legs!




Yeah. I got new legs. Custom-made.




Titanium alloy. It's what they use

on the space shuttle.




Magic legs.




This is my fiancée, Susan.




- Lieutenant Dan.

- Hi, Forrest.




- Lieutenant Dan, this is my Jenny.

- Hi. It's nice to meet you finally.




Do you, Forrest, take Jenny

to be your wife?




Do you, Jenny,

take Forrest to be your husband?




And so I pronounce you man and wife.




- Hey.

- Hi.




Were you scared in Vietnam?




Yes. Well, I don't know.




Sometimes it would stop raining long

enough for the stars to come out.




And then it was nice.




It was like just before the sun

goes to bed down on the bayou.




There was always

a million sparkles on the water.




Like that mountain lake.

It was so clear, Jenny,




it looked like there were two skies

one on top of the other.




And then in the desert,

when the sun comes up,




I couldn't tell where heaven stopped

and the earth began.




It was so beautiful.




I wish I could've been there

with you.




You were.




I love you.




You died on a Saturday morning.




And I had you placed

here under our tree.




And I had that house of your father's

bulldozed to the ground.




Mama always said

that dyin' was a part of life.




I sure wish it wasn't.




Little Forrest is doing just fine.




About to start school again soon,




and I make his breakfast,

lunch, and dinner every day.




I make sure he combs his hair

and brushes his teeth every day.




Teaching him how to play ping-pong.

He's really good.




Forrest, you go.




We fish a lot.




And every night, we read a book.

He's so smart, Jenny.




You'd be so proud of him. I am.




He wrote you a letter.




And he says I can't read it.




I'm not supposed to,

so I'll just leave it here for you.




I don't know if mama was right

or if it's Lieutenant Dan.




I don't know if

we each have a destiny,




or if we're all just floating around

accidental-like on a breeze.




But I think maybe it's both.




Maybe both is happening

at the same time.




But I miss you, Jenny.




If there's anything you need,

I won't be far away.




Here's your bus. OK.




I know this.




I'm gonna share that for

show-and-tell




because Grandma

used to read it to you.




My favourite book.




Here you go.




Don't...




- I want to tell you I love you.

- I love you, too, Daddy.




I'll be right here when you get back.




You understand this is

the bus to school, don't you?




Of course, and you're Dorothy Harris,

and I'm Forrest Gump.


anal paradice

Just packed up a real money load, and it's coming your way. Look for "Rodgers" on the truck's side. Don't forget my share of the deal. Shit! - Tuna on white, no crust, right? - I don't know. How is it? Every day, for the last three weeks, you've come here, asking how the tuna is. Now, it was crappy yesterday. It was crappy the day before. And guess what? It hasn't changed. - I'll have the tuna. - No crust? No crust. Thank you. Talk to me, Jesse. This ain't working, brother. It's your fuel map. It's got a nasty hole. - That's why you're unloading in third. - Told you. I lengthen the injector pulse a millisecond. Just tune the NOS timer, you'll run nines. What's up with this fool? Is he sandwich-crazy? - No. He ain't here for the food, dog. - Chill out. He's slinging parts for Harry. - I know what he's slinging. - He's trying to get in Mia's pants, dog. - What's up, guys? - How you doing, Mia? - How you living, girl? - Hey! Hey, Dom. You want something to drink? - He's beautiful. - I like his haircut. Vince! - What? - Can I get you anything? You look good. - Thanks a lot, Mia. See you tomorrow. - Sure. - Tomorrow? - I love this part. Try Fatburger from now on. Get yourself a Double Cheese with fries for $2.95, faggot. - I like the tuna here. - Bullshit. No one likes the tuna here. Yeah, well, I do. Jesus Christ, Dom! Would you get out there? I'm sick of this shit. I'm not kidding, Dom. Get out there! - What did you put in that sandwich? - That's funny. - Dom! - All right. - Hey, man. He was in my face. - I'm in your face. Relax! Don't push it! You embarrass me! Get over there! Jesse, give me the wallet. "Brian Earl Spilner." Sounds like a serial killer name. - Is that what you are? - No, man. Don't come around here again. Hey, man. This is bullshit. - You work for Harry, right? - Yeah. I just started. You were just fired. Hey, Dominic. I appreciate what you did, in a big way. Dominic, I owe you. Brian, you're messing with my business. When Dominic drives, he's golden. Kids pour in. They want everything he has. Every performance part. They pay cash! - What did Dominic say? - You don't want to know. - What did Dominic say? - He wants you out of here. - He wants me out of here? - Yes. - And what did you say to Dom? - What do you think I said? I told him, "Good help is hard to find." Relax. I need NOS. - I need NOS. - No. My car topped out at 140 miles per hour, this morning. Amateurs don't use nitrous oxide. I've seen how you drive. You've a heavy foot. - You'll blow yourself to pieces. - I need one of these. One of the big ones. Actually, let's make it two. And, Harry, I need it by tonight. Hold up, hold up. Look at this snowman right here, man. Sweet ride. What you running under there, man? - Going to make me find out the hard way? - Hell, yeah. You brave. You brave. They call me Hector. I got a last name, too, but I can't pronounce it. - Brian Spilner. - Typical white-boy name. Know what I'm saying? See that over there? That's mine. My baby. I ain't cutting her loose tonight. - Why not? - I'm going legit, homey. Trying to get on the NIRA circuit. Heard about that? - Hell, yeah. - So, what's up with you, man? - I'm just waiting for Toretto. - Shit. Better get in line. This yours? - I'm standing next to it. - That's funny. You know, Edwin happens to know a few things. And one of the things Edwin knows is: It's not how you stand by your car... ...it's how you race your car. You better learn that. Oh, shit. Here they come. It's on. - Dom. - Marvin. - Hey, Dom. How you doing? - Hey, Camille. You been doing yoga? You did? Of course you did. Monica. I smell skanks. Why don't you girls pack it up, before I leave tread marks on your face? Okay. - Letty, I was just talking. - Yeah. Whatever. - Okay, Hector. - Yeah? What's up, man? - Yo. What's up? - Edwin. - How we doing this tonight? - One race. $2,000 buy-in. Winner takes all. Hector, you're going to hold the cash. - Why Hector? - Too slow to make away with the money. - Okay. Good luck, guys. - Hey, wait. Hold up. I don't have any cash. But I do have the pink slip to my car. You just can't climb in the ring with Ali, 'cause you think you box. He knows I can box. Check it out. It's like this. I lose, the winner takes my car. Clean and clear. But if I win, I take the cash, and I take the respect. Respect. To some people, that's more important. That your car? I see a cool air intake. It's got a NOS fogger system and a T4 turbo, Dominic. I see an AIC controller. It has direct port nitrous injection. Yeah. And a stand-alone fuel management system. Not a bad way to spend $10,000. You see that shit? He's got enough NOS in there to blow himself up. Period. - So, what do you say? Am I worthy? - We don't know yet. But you're in. Let's go. - All right. - Let's go! - What the hell is going on around here? - Street's closed, pizza boy. - Find another way home. - Goddamn street racers. Log on, 22. Code 3. Tension is high. They've blocked the street. Edwin. This is yours, whether you win or lose. But if you win, you get her, too. You're going to win. I'm going to win. We had a reported homicide. I've got a 187 in Glendale. Cops are all over it. We're good to roll. - All right. - Let's race! Right. Go! Hell, yeah! Damn, that guy's fast. Let's go! Mnage! No! Monica! Shut up! Well done, baby! Come on. Come on. Back up. Here's what you won, right here. There you go. You were racing a bunch of skateboards. Know what I mean? My sister holds the money. Count it. And you're my trophy. - Hey, Monica. What's up, baby? - What's your problem? You didn't win. Fuck you then! Was that fun? Got a problem there, buddy? - What are you smiling about? - Dude. I almost had you. You almost had me? You never had me. You never had your car. Granny-shifting. Not double-clutching, like you should. You're lucky that 100-shot of NOS didn't blow the welds on the intake. - Almost had me? - You tell him, Dominic. Get out of here. Now, me and the mad scientist got to rip apart the block... ...and replace the piston rings you fried. Ask any racer. Any real racer. It don't matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning's winning. Yeah! All available units, we have street-racing along Hawthorne... Oh, shit! We got cops. Cops! Go! Cops! Get in the car! Go! Toretto, stop right there! Toretto! Get in! You're the last person in the world I expected to show up. I thought if I got in your good graces, you might let me keep my car. You are in my good graces, but you ain't keeping your car. You drive like you've done this before. Are you a wheelman? - No. - You boost cars? - No. Never. - Ever done time? Couple of overnighters. No big deal. What about the two years in juvie for boosting cars? Tucson, right? I had Jesse run a profile on you, Brian Earl Spilner. He'll find anything on the Web. Anything about anybody. So, why bullshit? So, what about you? Two years in Lompoc. I'll die before I go back. - Oh, great. - What? It's going to be a long-ass night. That's what. Follow us. I thought we had an agreement. You stay away. I stay away. Everybody stays happy. We got lost. What do you want me to tell you? - Who's "we"? - My new mechanic. Brian, meet Johnny Tran. The guy in the snakeskin pants. That's his cousin. Lance. So, when are you going to give me a shot at that Honda 2000 of yours? - This your ride? - It was. It's his now. No, it's not. I haven't taken delivery. Then, it's nobody's car. But somebody put in the wrench time. - What do you think, Lance? - It's an amazing machine. Yes, indeed. Let's go. I'll see you in the desert next month. Be ready to have your ass handed to you. - You'll need more than that crotch rocket. - I got something for you. - What the hell was that all about? - Long story. I'll tell you later. Let's get out of here. NOS! - So, what the hell was that all about? - It's a long story. Well, we got a 20-mile hike. Humor me. A business deal that went sour. Plus, I made the mistake of sleeping with his sister. Take care. Yo, Spilner. - You want a beer? - Yeah, sure. Oh, shit. We were all there, right? Falling behind. - With all that nitrous. - Yeah. Yo, Dom. We were just about to go looking for you, brother. Where were you? There were mass cops there. They came in from every direction. It was orchestrated. - This your beer? - Yeah, that's my beer. Yo, Einstein. Take it upstairs. You can't detail a car with the cover on. - Can't even get that right. - You all right? - Am I all right? - It was just a question. Yo, Dom. - Why did you bring the buster here? - 'Cause he kept me out of handcuffs! He didn't just run back to the fort! The buster brought me back. You can have any brew you want, as long as it's a Corona. - Thanks, man. - That's Vince's. So, enjoy it. You. - Hey, bro. You got a bathroom? - Upstairs. First door on the right. He's got no call being up in here. You don't know that fool for shit. - He's right, Dom. - There was a time when I didn't know you. That was in the third grade! - Yeah. So, what girls are here? - You name it. You want mine? - You need to shut the... - You want two? - You don't have anything? - You look a bit tired. I think you should go upstairs and give me a massage. - Look at all our guests. - How about you give me a massage? Crazy lady. You know you owe me a 10-second car, right? Oh, shit. Did you wipe the seat? Jesus Christ! Would you cut this shit? Come on! - Come on. Let's go get me a drink. - We were just about to get along. - So, what do you want? - Anything, as long as it's cold. You know, my brother likes you. He usually doesn't like anybody. - He's a complicated guy. - Yeah? What about you? - I'm simpler. - You're a shitty liar. Well, I'll take that as a compliment. - But there's a problem. - What's that? You need to get some sleep. And you definitely, definitely need a shower. Come on. I'll take you home. Show me your hands. Very good. Now open the door. Put your hands on your head. Behind your head. Face the front of the vehicle, walk backwards towards the rear. Take two steps to your right. Stop right there. - What did I do? - Shut up. He's clean, Sarge. Damn! Muse, will you take these things off? - Shit. You put them on so tight. - I like realism. You never know who's watching, Brian. Nice crib, Sergeant. It's a lot nicer than the last place you confiscated. Ain't it? Eddie Fisher built this house for Elizabeth Taylor in the '50s. You see, even the cops are Hollywood in Hollywood. Okay, here he is, fresh from Toretto's hot rod heaven. That was an $80,000 vehicle, Officer. - You told him what happened? - He knows. - Send the bill to Johnny Tran. - The kid's giving me attitude? It doesn't speak well for police/FBI relations, Tanner. - I walk in the door and the guy's already-- - All right, all right. We'll talk, okay? Let's talk about it. Muse, why don't you make us four iced cappuccinos, please? - Come on. - Regular or decaf, Sarge? Decaf, I think. Four hijackings in two months, and we have nothing. The DVD players and digital cameras are worth $1.2 million... ...which brings the grand total to $6 million plus. We're in the political crosshairs now, Brian. That's why you're undercover. You want that detective badge fast, kid. And you want to know something? The FBI can help, if you come through for us. What does the truckdriver say? He gave us the same M.O.: Three Honda Civics, precision driving... ...the same green neon glow from under the chassis. Lab says the skidmarks came back the same: Mashamoto ZX tires. So, we know it's somebody in the street-racing world. If we don't make this case, the truckers will take matters into their own hands. I tell them we're close. Are you going to make me a liar? Look, what do we know? We know this world revolves around Toretto, right? I'm not saying that he's the one that's popping these trucks... ...but I can guarantee he knows who is. It's just a matter of time until I win-- You want time, buy the magazine. We don't have time. Just get me something I can use. Is Harry cooperating? Like a guy that'll do time for receiving stolen property if he doesn't. What kind of vibe is he getting from Toretto? He's scared of him, but he doesn't think he's jacking trucks. - He's too controlled for that. - Wait. Not that I want to contradict Harry's fine judge of character... ...but Toretto did hard time for nearly beating a guy to death. He's got nitrous oxide in his blood and a gas tank for a brain. Do not turn your back on him. Tanner, I'm gonna need another car. - What about parts and service? - Hold off on it. Dom, I don't know what to do with it. All right, what the hell is this? What do you got there? - This is your car. - My car? I said a 10-second car, not a 10-minute car. You could push this across the finish line, or tow it. You couldn't even tow that across the finish line. No faith. I have faith in you, but this isn't a junkyard. - This is a garage. - Pop the hood. - Pop the hood? - Pop the hood. -2JZ engine. No shit. - And what did I tell you? - I retract my previous statement. - You know what? This will decimate all after you put about $15,000 in it. Or more, if we have to overnight parts from Japan. - We'll put it on my tab at Harry's. - Yes! I gotta get you racing again so I can make some money off your ass. There's a show down in the desert called Race Wars. That's where you'll do it. When you're not working at Harry's, you're working here. If you can't find the right tool in this garage, Mr. Arizona... ...you don't belong near a car. He owns you now. Tell me what you think about this. Koni adjustables. Gonna save us about 2 pounds. And they're gonna give us better traction for the hole shot. All right? This is your basic layout of the car. And that's pretty much what it could look like when it's finished. Red, green. - You should be going to MIT or something. - Yeah, right. No, I got that... What's it called? That attention disorder-- - ADD? - Yes, that shit. Yeah. You know, I was good in algebra and like math and shit. Everything else I failed. Dropped out of school. I don't know. It's just something about engines... ...that calms me down, you know. - I'm outta here. - Come on, dog. - Yo, Dom. - Vince, get over here and give us a hand. Looks like you got all the help you need, brother. - Mia! The chicken's dry. - All right. I'm coming out already. Here you go. Hey, hold up. Because you were the first to reach in to get the chicken, you say grace. - Dear heavenly... - Spirit. Spirit. Thank you. Thank you for providing us with a direct port nitrous injection... ...four core intercoolers and ball-bearing turbos... ...and titanium valve springs. - Thank you. - Amen. - Not bad. - Amen. He was praying to the car gods, man. He's not the best. - What do you want? - Practice. Thank you, girl. Look who it is. "Old Coyotes 'R' Us." I thought you weren't hungry, pumpkin. - You know, I gotta eat. - He's always hungry. All right, sit down. How you doing, Mia? Here you go. - Jesse, hand me that chicken. - Let's eat some grub, man. - Want some of that chicken? - What, you rent a movie or something? Need a hand with anything else? No, I'm good. You can go join the boys and watch the movie. - The cook doesn't clean where I come from. - I'd like to go there. - I think we should go out sometime. - No, I don't date my brother's friends. That sucks. - I'll have to kick his ass then. - I'd love to see that one. I would pay to see that one, actually. Wash my car when you get done. - What was that? - No, Mia. I'm talking to the punk. Wear your favorite dress, 'cause when you're done... ...I'm putting you on the street where you belong, cutie. Is this thing broken? What's wrong with this thing? What was that Cuban restaurant you wanted to take me to? The one with the picadillo and-- - With red candles, wooden tables-- - The plantain, food all over the place. - What it's called? - Cha Cha Cha. - Yeah, that's it. - Yeah. Well, you can take me there. Friday night at 10:00. Is that good for you? - Yeah, it's perfect. - Good. - There's no popcorn. - Make your own goddamn popcorn! All right. Now that's valet parking. - Harry. What's up, dog? - Nice to see you. Excellent. Come on in, man. - Check it. It's yours. - Damn. What do we got here? - Hired some new help? - Don't even think about it. - What's up? - What's up, Brian? How you feeling? - Pretty good. What do you need? - What's up, man? I need you to hook me up. Three of everything. I made a list. Why don't you look that over? - When do you need this stuff by? - Tomorrow, today, now. - Right. - White boys work fast, don't they? That's right. - You said you need three of each? - Yeah, three of everything. What do you think about that? Check this out. He moans like a cop. Brian, this is one of those times you need to be clear about what you say. Nod if you understand me. Nod! Sit up. Tell me what the hell you're doing down here. Shit. What I'm doing? Dom. I owe you a 10-second car. And what this is about, this is about Race Wars. I just went in there, and Hector is gonna be running... ...three Honda Civics with Spoon engines. And on top of that, he just came into Harry's... ...and he ordered three T66 turbos, with NOS... ...and a MoTeC system exhaust. So, what are you saying? You're gonna check everybody's shit out, one garage after another? Yeah. Because, Dom, you know I can't lose again. He's a cop. He's a cop! You a cop? Let's go for a little ride. Walk! Okay. You stand watch. Yo, Dominic. There's no engines. What are they planning on racing with, hopes and dreams? I don't know, but they're sneaky as shit... ...and they've got enough money to buy anything. What? We got a wolf pack. It's Johnny Tran, and he's coming your way really fast. All right, we got company. Spilner. Come on. Move! Let me ask you a question, Ted. - Do you see anything wrong here? - No. - We got no engines, do we? - No. - Do we? - No. - Do we? - No. A couple of Nissan SR20 motors will pull a premium... - ...one week before Race Wars, huh? - Yeah, probably. You're a smart fence, Ted. Maybe too smart. What are you feeling, Lance? A 40-weight sounds nice. Where are they, Ted? - Where are they? - Enough! - Where are they? - They're in a warehouse. They're in a warehouse, man! Ted. Kiss my shoes? Let's go get our engines. My superiors are flying in from D.C., in two days. I want something to show. We've got a fence with a lube hose in his mouth... ...automatic weapons, priors on every one of these Asian punks... ...a garage full of DVD players and generally psychotic behavior. Tell me why we shouldn't move on Tran now and figure it out later? Because all we have is behavior. Let me get hard evidence, because what we have now is just-- What we have is probable cause. And truckers arming themselves for some good old-fashioned vigilante mayhem. - Tell us about Hector, Brian. - Latinos with spear guns. Give me a break. Hector's still working on the engines, but the tires don't match. Will somebody give me a cigarette? - Get him a cigarette. - Don't give him one. - I thought you quit. - I did. Just give me one. - Get him a cigarette. - No! Tell me about Toretto. I told you, I think he's too controlled for this. Going suicidal on semi-trucks? No way. Maybe Vince. But he's too dumb to do it. - I think the kid sister's blurring your vision. - What did you say? I don't blame you. I'd get off on her surveillance photos, too. Knock it off! What? Are you going native on me, Brian? Have you read Toretto's file lately? - Yeah. I memorized that file. - Read it again. No, better still, take a look at these. Remember I told you about the guy he nearly beat to death? Toretto did this with a three-quarter-inch torque wrench. He's a model of self-control. I need a few more days. I need a few more days. Got a TR7 here, with a ball-bearing upgrade. What it's going to do is, it's going to spool up really quick. - I got this set up for 24 psi. - Got it. You got big plans tonight? Yeah. We're going out to dinner. You break her heart, I'll break your neck. That's not gonna happen. I want to show you something. Me and my dad built her. Nine hundred horses of Detroit muscle. It's a beast. - You know what she ran in Palmdale? - No. What? Nine seconds flat. - God. - My dad was driving. So much torque, the chassis twisted coming off the line. Barely kept her on the track. - So, what's your best time? - I've never driven her. Why not? It scares the shit out of me. That's my dad. He was coming up in the pro stock-car circuit. Last race of the season. A guy named Kenny Linder came up from inside, in the final turn. He clipped his bumper and put him into the wall at 120. I watched my dad burn to death. I remembered hearing him scream. But the people that were there said he had died before the tanks blew. They said it was me who was screaming. I saw Linder about a week later. I had a wrench, and I hit him. And I didn't intend to keep hitting him, but when I finished, I couldn't lift my arm. He's a janitor at a high school. He has to take the bus to work every day. And they banned me from the tracks for life. I live my life a quarter-mile at a time. Nothing else matters. Not the mortgage, not the store... ...not my team and all their bullshit. For those 10 seconds or less... ...I'm free. So, how is it, anyways, that the gang came to be? - What? - The gang. The gang? No, they don't call themselves a gang. - What do they call themselves? - They're a team. - They call themselves a team. - All right. How did the team come to be? Well, that's a whole lot of history. - I've got time. - Okay. Vince grew up with my brother. Actually, he didn't ever actually grow up, as you can tell. But they were friends as kids. And Letty, she just lived down the street. Always into cars, though. Ever since she was, like, 10 years old. So, naturally, you know, my brother always had her attention. - And then she turned 16-- - And then she had Dom's attention. Yeah. It's funny how that works, isn't it? Yeah. How does Jesse fit into the whole thing? Jesse. Well, Jesse and Leon just sort of showed up one night and never, ever left. It's just the way my brother is, you know. Dom's like... He's like gravity. Everything just gets pulled to him. Even you. No. No. The only thing that pulled me in was you. Being friends with your brother is just a bonus. That's good. That's good. It's nice to come first every once in a while. Want to go for a drive? - Yeah? - The hijackers have hit again. Bilkins has decided that we're gonna move on Johnny Tran and his guys at 17:00. Unless you say otherwise. If you agree, just say yes. - Yeah. - Who is that? It's just a wrong number. Yes, sir. Yeah, I know, but-- Yeah. Yes, sir. Yeah. I got it. The DVD players were purchased legally. All we've got are a couple of low-rent weapons charges... ...and some outstanding speeding tickets. - So, they're out. - Yeah. Father bailed them out. Is this the kind of intelligence I can expect from you, O'Conner? - You're gonna put this on me? - I can put it on whoever I want to. - Perks of the job. - No, you can't put this on me-- No, wait a minute. Let me tell you. I don't care if you have to aim at someone and blow your cover to smithereens. You've got 36 hours to crack this bastard... ...or you might want to think about another career. It's Toretto, Brian. It always has been Toretto. Tran and Hector are... They're just fumes. I know you've been lying to me. My question is this: Have you been lying to yourself because you can't see past Mia? He won't go back to prison. Well, that's a choice he's going to have to make. There's all kinds of family, Brian. And that's a choice you're gonna have to make. You ready for this? Nice car. What's the retail on one of those? More than you can afford, pal. Ferrari. Smoke him. So, what's wrong, Brian? Nothing, man, I'm fine. Come on. Obviously something's off. Look, I have my good days and bad days just like anybody else. Brian, don't lose that cool of yours. That's your meal ticket. My meal ticket? I can't pay for my own shrimp? I got the shrimp. No, that's one thing about me you don't understand. I don't take handouts. I earn my way, every step. I need something extra on the side, like you. What do you mean, like me? - What's that supposed to mean? - That's what I mean. - What does that mean, like me? - Don't try-- I'm not stupid, all right? I know that there's no way you paid for all that shit you got under the hood-- There's no way you paid for what's under the hood of those cars... ...by doing tune-ups and selling groceries. Whatever it is you're in on, I want in on it, too. - Well, what is this? - Read it. - What is this for? - It's directions. To Race Wars. We'll see how you go. Then we'll talk. - How's it going? - What's up? - Welcome to Race Wars. - Great. Thanks a lot. Baby. Hey, baby. You should watch from the side. I wouldn't want to get exhaust on that pretty face. - Put your money where your mouth is. - I'll race you for that sweet little ass. You want ass, why don't you hit Hollywood Boulevard? You want an adrenaline rush, it'll be two large. Right here. Right now. What's it gonna be? You got it. "Another one bites the dust" Come on. What you got? See ya. - What's up? - Hey, what's up, Jesse? What's in your hand? Throwing down the pink slip, just like you. - The pink slip to what? The Jetta? - Yeah. - You can't bet your dad's car. - It's all right. I ain't losing. This fool is running a Honda 2000. I'll win. That way, me and my dad can roll when he gets out of prison. It's all good. They're gonna throw him right back in prison after he kills you. You visualize the win. Visualize the win, Jesse. I'm serious. You got to listen to me, man. Who are you racing? Jesse, don't do it. I bet you he's got more than $100,000 under the hood of that car. Too soon, junior. No! Shit! Oh, God! Yo! Heads up, bro. We got problems. - What? - Jesse. Where's Jesse going? - He just raced Tran for slips. - Oh, shit. - Where's he going? - He went to the car wash. Whatever. Go fetch my car. Go fetch your car? We're not on your block. You better watch who you talk to like that. Toretto! SWAT came into my house... ...disrespected my whole family, because somebody narked me out. And you know what? It was you! Get off of him, man. Dom, chill out, man. Come on! I never narked on nobody! I never narked on nobody! Mia. I have respected you and I haven't said shit. Now I am asking you not to go. - I'm doing this for both of us. - Don't give me that crap. You're doing this for you. Why are you insisting on doing this? Dom, please, just don't. - Mia, what's going on? - What? - You know what I'm talking about. - No, I don't. You always have tears in your eyes when Dom drives away? What's the matter with you? What's he racing off in the middle of the night for? - You know about the trucks? - No, Brian! What trucks? - Jesus Christ. What? - Listen to me. Mia, I'm a cop. What are you talking about, Brian? What is this? Ever since the first time I met you, I've been undercover. I'm a cop. Oh, you bastard. You bastard. - Mia. - Get off of me, Brian! Mia! Listen to me! Everything I ever said I felt about you was real. I swear to God. You have to believe me, Mia. But this isn't about you and me. Your brother's out there to pull a job. We're running out of time. Those truckers aren't laying down anymore. Maybe they'll make it through tonight, but every law enforcement agency... ...is coming down on them. If you don't want anything to happen to them... ...you have to get in that car with me right now and help me. Mia, you are the only person that can help me right now. Please, Mia. Please help me. Civics are stashed somewhere outside of Thermal. They wouldn't double back, and Highway 10 is too well patrolled. - So, what does that leave us with? - All this. - Nextel. - This is Officer Brian O'Conner. Serial number 34762. I need a cell phone trace. - Okay. What's the cell number? - Mia, what is it? Come on, Mia. She needs Dom's cell phone number now. Thank you. Yeah, you get that? All right, we're one man short. Letty, I need you on the left side. Your sister's right about this one. This don't feel good. - Don't do that. - Something's wrong. - Stop. - We shouldn't be doing this without Jesse. This is the mother lode. We've been on this for three months. After this, it's a long vacation for everyone. - Let's go. - I hope so. Listen, the other night I had a dream... ...that you and I were on the beach in Mexico. - Really? - Really. Come on. Let's make this happen. - Leon, keep on those scanners. - Copy that. All right, let's go. Okay, we traced the number to the northbound 86. Mile 114, outside Coachella. We'll keep the trace open, Officer. Let me see this. I think we're about 40 miles away. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? Okay! Go time! We're all good. I got nothing on the scanners. Keep going. Vince! Vince, don't! Get back in! Vince! He's got a damn shotgun! Leon! Back off! Get him off of there! Oh, shit! Get me off this thing! Pull up! Unhook yourself. Do it! - Do it! - I can't get-- You can do it! Come on, Vince! Dom! I'm pulling up to distract him! Come on, boy! Shot doesn't get better than this. Son of a bitch! Take me off here, or I'll have to unhook the wire! Try it again. One, two, three! Unhook yourself! I can't get my arm free! - Vince, grab my hand! - My arm! Listen, give me your hand. I'm gonna pull you off the rig! Vince! Hold on! Give me your hand! Listen to me! Dominic! Shit! - Dominic! - Hang on! Dom! Move out of the way. I'm coming to get him. Letty! Leon! Pull back for Letty. Get her out of there! I'm on it! Go! I've got her! You get Vince off that truck. Letty! Come on, baby. You okay? Oh, shit. Come on, girl, you all right? Come on, let me look at you. Come on. We got to go. Let's go. Vince! Take the wheel. - What do you mean? - Put your foot on the gas! I'm gonna get him. Put your foot on the gas! Okay! - Come on. Keep it steady. - I got it! All right, hold on, Vince. He's having a hard time holding on. Get me a little closer. All right. - Closer. - I'm moving in. Hold it right there! Go! You got to hang in here with me now! We'll get you off. Give me your arm! Vince, look at me! Don't let go! Come on, Vince! Throw this arm around me! Vince, don't let go! Come on, Mia. Get closer! Mia, get closer! Come on. Come on, Vince. Here we go! Shit. It's gonna be okay, Letty. I love you. - Watch her. - I got her. Come on, Vince! Hang in there! Come on! If he doesn't get to an ambulance in 10 minutes, he's dead. - Hold the pressure. Hold his arm up. - I got it. Yeah. Yeah, this is Officer Brian O'Conner. I'm off-duty MAPD. I need a life flight roll out right away. My 20 is Highway 86, mile marker 147. I got one trauma victim, about 24 years of age. Six-foot, maybe 200 pounds. He's got a deep laceration to his right arm with arterial bleeding. And he's got a shotgun wound close range to his left flank. Yeah, he's going into shock! Dom, put the gun down now! - Move your car. - No bullshit! Put it down now! No more running! I'm not running! - Where's Leon and Letty? - They're long gone! Then it's over. I didn't call the police, but don't push me! - Put the gun down. I swear to God! - You are the cop! You're a cop! Brian, I got to find Jesse before they do. - I'm all the kid's got. - I'll call in the plates. PD will pick him up way before Johnny even gets near him. - Move your car. - Dom, stop it! It's over. Please. Mia, stay out of it! Dominic, I am so sorry. I don't know what I'm doing, Dom. I'm so scared right now. I don't know what's going on. What were you thinking, man? I don't know! I panicked! I'm sorry. I'm scared! I don't know what I'm doing! Will you please help me? Dom! Jesse! No, Jesse! No, Dom, no! Call 911. You call 911! I used to drag here back in high school. That railroad crossing up there is exactly a quarter mile away from here. On green, I'm going for it. Dom! That's not what I had in mind. You know what you're doing? I owe you a 10-second car. I live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters. For those 10 seconds or less... ...I'm free.

MARLIN Wow.

CORAL Mmm.

MARLIN Wow.

CORAL Mmm-hmm.

MARLIN Wow.

CORAL Yes, Marlin. No, I see it. It's beautiful.

MARLIN So, Coral, when you said you wanted an ocean view, you didn't think that we we're gonna get the whole ocean, did you? Huh? [sighs] Oh yeah. A fish can breath out here. Did your man deliver or did he deliver? 


                                            1

CORAL My man delivered.

MARLIN And it wasn't so easy.

CORAL Because a lot of other clownfish had their eyes on this place.

MARLIN You better believe they did--every single one of them.

CORAL Mm-hmm. You did good. And the neighborhood is awesome.

MARLIN So, you do like it, don't you?

CORAL No, no. I do, I do. I really do like it. But Marlin, I know that the drop off is desirable with the great schools and the amazing view and all, but do we really need so much space?

MARLIN Coral, honey, these are our kids we're talking about. They deserve the best. Look, look, look. They'll wake up, poke their little heads out and they'll see a whale! See, right by their bedroom window.

CORAL Shhh, you're gonna wake the kids.

MARLIN Oh, right. Right.

CORAL Aww, look. They're dreaming. We still have to name them.

MARLIN You wanna name all of 'em, right now? All right, we'll name this half Marlin Jr. and then this half Coral Jr. Okay, we're done.

CORAL I like Nemo.

MARLIN Nemo? Well, we'll name one Nemo but I'd like most of them to be Marlin Jr.

CORAL Just think that in a couple of days, we're gonna be parents!

MARLIN Yeah. What if they don't like me?

CORAL Marlin.

MARLIN No, really.

CORAL There's over 400 eggs. Odds are, one of them is bound to like you.

CORAL What?

MARLIN You remember how we met?

CORAL Well, I try not to.

MARLIN Well, I remember. 'Excuse me, miss, can you check and see if there's a hook in my lip?'

CORAL Marlin!

MARLIN 

                                            2

'Well, you gotta look a little closer because it's wiggling'.

CORAL Get away!

MARLIN Here he is. Cutie's here! Where did everybody go?

MARLIN [gasps] Coral, get inside the house, Coral. No, Coral, don't. They'll be fine. Just get inside, you, right now.

MARLIN No!

MARLIN Coral! Coral?

MARLIN Coral? Oh!

MARLIN Ohh. There, there, there. It's okay, daddy's here. Daddy's got you. I promise, I will never let anything happen to you...Nemo.

==========================================================================

NEMO First day of school! First day of school! Wake up, wake up! C'mon, first day of school!

MARLIN I don't wanna go to school. Five more minutes.

NEMO Not you, dad. Me!

MARLIN Okay...huh?

NEMO Get up, get up! It's time for school! It's time for school! It's time for school! It's time for school! Oh boy! Oh boy!

MARLIN All right, I'm up.

NEMO Oh boy--whoa!

MARLIN Nemo!

NEMO First day of school!

MARLIN [gasps] Nemo, don't move! Don't move! You'll never get out of there yourself. I'll do it. All right, where's the break? You feel a break?

NEMO No.

MARLIN Sometimes you can't tell 'cause fluid is rushing to the area. Now, any rushing fluids?

NEMO No.

MARLIN Are you woozy?

NEMO No.

MARLIN How many stripes do I have? 


                                            3

NEMO I'm fine.

MARLIN Answer the stripe question!

NEMO Three.

MARLIN No! See, something's wrong with you. I have one, two, three--that's all I have? Oh, you're okay. How's the lucky fin?

NEMO Lucky.

MARLIN Let's see.

MARLIN Are you sure you wanna go to school this year? 'Cause there's no problem if you don't. You can wait 5 or 6 years.

NEMO Come on, dad. It's time for school.

MARLIN Ah-ah-ah! Forgot to brush.

NEMO Ohh...

MARLIN Do you want this anemone to sting you?

NEMO Yes.

MARLIN Brush.

NEMO Okay, I'm done.

MARLIN You missed a spot.

NEMO Where?

MARLIN There. Ha ha! Right there. And here and here and here!

==========================================================================

MARLIN All right, we're excited. First day of school, here we go. We're ready to learn to get some knowledge. Now, what's the one thing we have to remember about the ocean?

NEMO It's not safe.

MARLIN That's my boy. So, first we check to see that the coast is clear. We go out and back in. And then we go out, and back in. And then one more time--out and back in. And sometimes, if you wanna do it four times--

NEMO Dad..

MARLIN All right. Come on, boy.

NEMO Dad, maybe while I'm at school, I'll see a shark!

MARLIN 

                                            4

I highly doubt that.

NEMO Have you ever met a shark?

MARLIN No, and I don't plan to.

NEMO How old are sea turtles?

MARLIN Sea turtles? I don't know.

NEMO Sandy Plankton from next door, he said that sea turtles, said that they live to be about a hundred years old!

MARLIN Well, you know what, if I ever meet a sea turtle, I'll ask him. After I'm done talking to the shark, okay? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on, hold on, wait to cross. Hold my fin, hold my fin.

NEMO Dad, you're not gonna freak out like you did at the petting zoo, are you?

MARLIN Hey, that snail was about to charge. Hmm, I wonder where we're supposed to go.

FISH KIDS Bye, mom!

FISH MOM I'll pick you up after school.

CRAB KID Come on, you guys. Stop it! Give it back!

MARLIN Come on, we'll try over there.

MARLIN Excuse me, is this where we meet his teacher?

BOB Well, look who's out of the anemone.

MARLIN Yes. Shocking, I know.

BOB Marty, right?

MARLIN Marlin.

BOB Bob.

TED Ted.

BILL Bill. Hey, you're a clownfish. You're funny, right? Hey, tell us a joke.

BOB/TED Yeah, yeah. Come on, give us a funny one.

MARLIN Well, actually, that's a common misconception. Clownfish are no funnier than any other fish.

BILL Aw, come on, clownie.

TED Yeah, do something funny. 

                                            5

BOB Yeah!

MARLIN All right, I know one joke. Um, there's a mollusk, see? And he walks up to a sea, well he doesn't walk up, he swims up. Well, actually the mollusk isn't moving. He's in one place and then the sea cucumber, well they--I mixed up. There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber. None of them were walking, so forget that I--

BOB Sheldon! Get out of Mr. Johansenn's yard, now!

KIDS Whoa!

MR. JOHANSSEN All right, you kids! Ooh! Uuh, where'd you go? Where'd you go? Where, where'd you go?

NEMO Dad, dad...can I go play too? Can I?

MARLIN I would feel better if you go play over on the sponge beds.

MARLIN That's where I would play

PEARL What's wrong with his fin?

TAD He looks funny!

SHELDON Ow! Hey, what'd I do? What'd I do?

BOB Be nice. It's his first time at school.

MARLIN He was born with it, kids. We call it his lucky fin.

NEMO Dad.

PEARL See this tentacle? It's actually shorter than all my other tentacles but you can't really tell.Especially when I twirl them like this.

SHELDON I'm H2O-intolerant. [sneezes]

TAD I'm obnoxious.

MR. RAY [singing] Oooh, let's name the zones, the zones, the zones. Let's name the zones of the open sea.

KIDS Mr. Ray!

SHELDON Come on, Nemo.

MARLIN Whoa, you better stay with me.

MR. RAY [singing]..mesopolagic, bathyal, abyssalpelagic. All the rest are too deep for you and me to see.

MR. RAY Huh, I wonder where my class has gone?

KIDS 

                                              6

We're under here!

MR. RAY Oh, there you are. Climb aboard, explorers. [singing] Oh, knowledge exploring is oh so lyrical, when you think thoughts that are empirical.

NEMO Dad, you can go now.

MR. RAY Well, hello. Who is this?

NEMO I'm Nemo.

MR. RAY Well, Nemo, all new explorers must answer a science question.

NEMO Okay.

MR. RAY You live in what kind of home?

NEMO An anemo-none. A nemenem-menome-nememen-nenemone--

MR. RAY Okay, okay, don't hurt yourself. Welcome aboard, explorers!

MARLIN Just so you know, he's got a little fin. I find if he's having trouble swimming, let him take a break. Ten, fifteen minutes.

NEMO Dad, it's time for you to go now.

MR. RAY Don't worry. We're gonna stay together as a group. Okay, class, optical orbits up front. And remember, we keep our supraesophogeal ganglion to ourselves...that means you, Jimmy.

JIMMY Aw, man!

MR. RAY [singing]

MARLIN Bye, Nemo!

NEMO Bye, dad!

MARLIN Bye, son! Be safe.

BOB Hey, you're doing pretty well for a first timer.

MARLIN Well, you can't hold onto them forever, can you?

BILL Yeah, I had a tough time when my oldest went out at the drop off.

MARLIN They just gotta grow up--the drop off?! They're going to the drop off?! Wh-what are you, insane?! Why don't we fry 'em up now and serve them with chips!?

BOB Hey, Marty. Calm down.

MARLIN Don't tell me to be calm, pony boy!

BOB 'Pony boy'? 

                                            7

BILL You know for a clownfish, he really isn't that funny.

TED Pity.

==========================================================================

MR. RAY [singing] Oh, let's name the species, the species, the species. Let's name the species that live in thesea.

NEMO Whoa.

MR. RAY [singing] There's porifera, coelenterata, hydrozoa, scyphozoa, anthozoa, ctenophora, bryozoas, three! Gastropoda, arthropoda, echinoderma, and some fish like you and me. Come on, sing with me. Oh...!

MR. RAY Just the girls this time. [singing] Oh, seaweed is cool. Seaweed is fun. It makes it's food with the rays of the sun...

MR. RAY Okay, the drop off. All right, kids, feel free to explore but stay close. [gasps] Stromalitic cyanobacteria! Gather. An entire ecosystem contained in one infinitesimal speck. There are as many protein pairs contained in this...

TAD Come on, let's go.

MR. RAY Come on, sing with me! [singing] There's porifera, coelentera, hydrozoa, scyphozoa, anthozoa, ctenophora, bryozoas, three!

NEMO Hey guys, wait up! Whoa.

TAD Cool.

TAD Saved your life!

PEARL Aw, you guys made me ink.

NEMO What's that?

TAD I know what that is. Oh, oh! Sandy Plankton saw one. He called, he said it was called a...a butt.

NEMO Whoa.

PEARL Wow. That's a pretty big butt.

SHELDON Oh, look at me. I'm gonna go touch the butt. [sneezes] Whoa!

SHELDON Oh yeah? Let's see you get closer.

PEARL Okay. Beat that.

TAD Come on, Nemo. How far can you go?

NEMO Uh, my dad says it's not safe. 


                                            8

MARLIN Nemo, no!

NEMO Dad?

MARLIN You were about to swim into open water!

NEMO No, I wasn't go out--but dad!

MARLIN It was a good thing I was here. If I hadn't showed up, I don't know--

PEARL Sir, he wasn't gonna go.

TAD Yeah, he was too afraid.

NEMO No, I wasn't.

MARLIN This does not concern you, kids. And you're lucky I don't tell your parents you were out there. You know you can't swim well.

NEMO I can swim fine, dad, okay?

MARLIN No, it's not okay. You shouldn't be anywhere near here. Okay, I was right. You'll start school in a year or two.

NEMO No, dad! Just because you're scared of the ocean--

MARLIN Clearly, you're not ready. And you're not coming back until you are. You think you can do these things but you just can't, Nemo!

NEMO I hate you.

MR. RAY There's--nothing to see. Gather, uh, over there. Excuse me, is there anything I can do? I am a scientist, sir. Is there any problem?

MARLIN I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt things. He isn't a good swimmer and it's a little too soon for him to be out here unsupervised.

MR. RAY Well, I can assure you, he's quite safe with me.

MARLINLook, I'm sure he is. But you have a large class and he can get lost from sight if you're not looking. I'm not saying you're not looking--

FISH KID Oh my gosh! Nemo's swimming out to sea!

MARLIN Nemo! What do you think you're doing? You're gonna get stuck out there and I'll have to get you before another fish does! Get back here! I said get back here, now! Stop! You take one move, mister. Don't youdare! If you put one fin on that boat..are you listening to me? Don't touch the bo--Nemo!

TAD [whispering] He touched the butt.

MARLIN You paddle your little tail back here, Nemo. That's right. You are in big trouble, young man. Do you hear me? Big...big-- 


                                            9

NEMO Aaaah! Daddy! Help me!

MARLIN I'm coming, Nemo!

KIDS Aaaah!

MR. RAY Get under me, kids!

NEMO Ah! Oh no! Dad! Daddy!

MARLIN Oh! Nemo! Unh! Nemo! Nemo, no! Nemo! Nemo! Nemo! No! No! Aah! Nemo! Nemo!

DIVER Whoa! Hold on.

MARLIN Oh no. No, no. It's gone, it's gone. No, no, it can't be gone. No, no! Nemo! Nemo! Nemo! No! Nemo! Nemo! No! No, please, no! No, no!

MARLIN Has anybody seen a boat!? Please! A white boat! They took my son! My son! Help me, please!

DORY Look out!

MARLIN Waaaah!

MARLIN Ooh, ooh...

DORY Ohh. Oh, oh. Sorry! I didn't see you. Sir, are you okay?

MARLIN He's gone, he's gone..

DORY There, there. It's all right.

MARLIN He's gone.

DORY It'll be okay.

MARLIN No, no. They took him away. I have to find the boat.

DORY Hey, I've seen a boat.

MARLIN You have?

DORY It passed by not too long ago.

MARLIN A white one?

DORY Hi. I'm Dory.

MARLIN Where!? Which way!?

DORY Oh, oh, oh! It-it went, um, this way! And it went this way! Follow me!

MARLIN 

                                            10

Thank you! Thank you, thank you so much!

DORY No problem.

MARLIN Hey! Wait!

DORY Will you quit it?

MARLIN What?

DORY I'm trying to swim here. What, ocean ain't big enough for you?

MARLIN Huh?

DORY You got a problem, buddy? Huh? Huh? Do 'ya? Do 'ya? Do 'ya? You want a piece of me? Yeah, oooh, I'm scared now. Whaat!?

MARLIN Wait a minute..

DORY Stop following me, okay!?

MARLIN What? You're showing me which way the boat went!

DORY A boat? Hey, I've seen a boat. It passed by not too long ago. It went this way, it went this way. Follow me!

MARLIN Wait a minute, wait a minute! What is going on? You already told me which way the boat was going!

DORY I did? Oh dear...

MARLIN If this is some kind of practical joke, it's not funny! And I know funny..I'm a clownfish!

DORY No, it's not. I know it's not. I'm so sorry. See, I suffer from short-term memory loss.

MARLIN Short-term memory loss..I don't believe this!

DORY No, it's true. I forget things almost instantly. It runs in my family..or at least I think it does. Hmmm..where are they? Can I help you?

MARLIN Something's wrong with you, really. You're wasting my time. I have to find my son. [gasps]

BRUCE Hello.

DORY Well, hi!

BRUCE Name's Bruce. It's all right, I understand. Why trust a shark, right? So, what's a couple of bites like you doing out so late, eh?

MARLIN Nothing. We're not doing anything. We're not even out.

BRUCE Great! Then how'd you morsels like to come to a little get-together I'm havin'?

DORY 

                                            11

You mean like a party?

BRUCE Yeah, yeah, that's right--a party! What do you say?

DORY Ooh, I love parties! Parties are fun!

MARLIN Parties are fun, and it's tempting but--

BRUCE Oh, come on, I insist.

MARLIN O-okay..that's all that matters.

DORY Hey, look--balloons! It is a party!

BRUCE Ha ha ha! Mind your distance, though. Those balloons can be a bit dodgy. You wouldn't want one of them to pop.

BRUCE Anchor! Chum!

ANCHOR There you are, Bruce, finally!

BRUCE We got company.

ANCHOR It's about time, mate.

CHUM We've already gone through all the snacks and I'm still starvin'!

ANCHOR We almost had a feeding frenzy.

CHUM Come on, let's get this over with.

==========================================================================

BRUCE Right, then. The meeting has officially come to order. Let us all say the pledge..

BRUCE/ANCHOR/CHUM 'I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. Fish are friends, not food'.

ANCHOR Except stinkin' dolphins.

CHUM Dolphins! Yeah, they think they're sooo cute! 'Hey, look at me. I'm a flippin' little dolphin! Let me flip for 'ya! Ain't I a somethin'!'

BRUCE Right, then. Today's meeting is step 5, 'BRING A FISH FRIEND'. Now do you all have your friends?

ANCHOR Got mine.

DORY Hey there!

BRUCE How 'bout you, Chum?

CHUM Oh, um, I seem to have misplaced my uh, friend. 


                                            12

BRUCE That's all right, Chum. I had a feeling this would be a difficult step, you can help yourself to one of my friends.

CHUM Oh, thanks, mate. A little chum for Chum, eh?

BRUCE I'll start the testimonies. Hello, my name is Bruce.

ANCHOR/CHUM Hello, Bruce.

BRUCE It has been three weeks since my last fish, on my honor, or may I be chopped up and made into soup.

CHUM You're an inspiration to all of us.

ANCHOR Amen.

BRUCE Right, then. Who's next?

DORY Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!

BRUCE Yes, the little Sheila down the front.

DORY Woo-hoo!

BRUCE Come on up here.

DORY Hi. I'm Dory.

BRUCE/ANCHOR/CHUM Hello, Dory.

DORY And, uh, well, I don't think I've ever eaten a fish.

CHUM Hey, that's incredible.

BRUCE Good on 'ya, mate!

DORY Whew! I'm glad I got that off my chest.

BRUCE All right, anyone else? Hello, how 'bout you, mate? What's your problem?

MARLIN Me? I don't have a problem.

BRUCE Oh. Okay..

BRUCE/ANCHOR/CHUM Denial.

BRUCE Just start with your name.

MARLIN Okay. Uh, hello. My name is Marlin. I'm a clownfish--

CHUM A clownfish? Really?! 


                                            13

BRUCE Go on, tell us a joke!

CHUM Ooh! I love jokes!

MARLIN Actually I do know one that's pretty good. There was this mollusk and he walks up to a sea cucumber. Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke, everyone talks. So the sea mollusk says to the cucumber...

NEMO Daddy!

MARLIN Nemo!

CHUM Nemo! Ha ha ha! Nemo! I don't get it.

BRUCE For a clownfish, he's not that funny.

MARLIN No, no, no, no. He's my son. He was taken by these divers.

DORY Oh my, you poor fish.

CHUM Humans. Think they own everything.

ANCHOR Probably American.

BRUCE Now there is a father looking for his little boy.

MARLIN Ugh! What do these markings mean?

BRUCE I never knew my father! [sobs]

CHUM Aw, come here.

ANCHOR Group hug.

CHUM We're all mates here, mate.

MARLIN I can't read human.

DORY Well then we gotta find a fish who can read this. Hey, look. Sharks!

MARLIN No, no, no, Dory!

DORY Guys, guys!

MARLIN No, Dory!

DORY That's mine! Give it to me! Gimme! Oww!

MARLIN Oh, I'm sorry. Are you okay?

DORY Ow, ow, ow. 


                                            14

MARLIN I'm so sorry.

DORY You really clocked me there. Am I bleeding?

MARLIN Ohh...

DORY Ow, ow, ow.

BRUCE Dory, are you oka--oohh. Oohh, that's good.

ANCHOR/CHUM Intervention!

BRUCE Just a bite!

ANCHOR Hold it together, mate!

CHUM Remember, Bruce, fish are friends, not food!

BRUCE FOOD!

MARLIN Dory, look out!

BRUCE I'm havin' fish tonight!

CHUM Remember the steps, mate!

BRUCE Just one bite!

BRUCE G'day!

MARLIN/DORY Aaaaaaaah!

BRUCE Arrrr!

MARLIN There's no way out! There's got to be a way to escape!

DORY Who is it?

MARLIN Dory, help me find a way out!

DORY Sorry, you'll have to come back later. We're trying to escape.

MARLIN There's gotta be a way out!

DORY Look, here's something! 'ESSS-CA-PE'! I wonder what that means. It's funny, it's spelled just like the word 'escape'.

MARLIN Let's go!

BRUCE Here's Brucey!

MARLIN 

                                              15

Wait a minute..you can read?!

DORY I can read? That's right, I can read!

MARLIN Well, then here. Read this now!

ANCHOR He really doesn't mean it, y'know! He never even knew his father!

CHUM Don't fall off the wagon!

MARLIN Oh no, it's blocked!

ANCHOR No, Bruce. Focus!

CHUM Sorry about--this, mate!

ANCHOR He's really--a nice guy!

MARLIN I need to get that mask!

DORY You want that mask? Okay.

MARLIN No, no, no, no, no, no!

MARLIN Quick grab the mask!

ANCHOR Oh no. Bruce?

BRUCE What? [gasps] Swim away! Swim away!

DORY Aw, is the party over?

PELICAN Nice.

==========================================================================

NEMO Dad? Daddy?

DENTIST Barbara?

BARBARA Uh-huh?

DENTIST Prep for his anterior crown, would you, please? And I'm going to need a few cotton rolls.

BARBARA Okay.

DENTIST Hello, little fella!

NEMO Aah!

DENTIST Heh heh heh! Beauty, isn't he? I found that guy struggling for life out on the reef and I saved him. So, has that novocaine kicked in yet? 


                                            16

PATIENT I think so. We're ready to roll.

BUBBLES Bubbles! [muttering] My bubbles.

PEACH He likes bubbles.

NEMO Aah! Ohh! No! Uhh!

JACQUES Bonjour.

NEMO Aah!

BLOAT Heh heh! Slow down, little fella. There's nothing to worry about.

DEB Oh, he's scared to death.

NEMO I wanna go home. Do you know where my dad is?

PEACH Honey, your dad's probably back at the pet store.

NEMO Pet store?

BLOAT Yeah, you know, like I'm from Bob's Fish Mart.

GURGLE Pet Palace.

BUBBLES Fish-O-Rama.

DEB Mail order.

PEACH Ebay.

GURGLE So which one is it?

NEMO I'm from the ocean.

GURGLE Ah, the ocean. The ocean! Aaah! He hasn't been decontaminated yet! Jacques!

JACQUES Oui.

GURGLE Clean him!

JACQUES Oui.

GURGLE Ocean!

JACQUES Ooh, la mer. Bon. Voila. He is clean.

BUBBLES Wow. The big blue. What's it like?

NEMO Big...and blue? 

                                            17

BUBBLES I knew it.

DEB Kid, if there's anything you need, just ask your auntie Deb, that's me. Or if I'm not around, you can always talk to my sister Flo. Hi,how are you? Don't listen to anything my sister says, she's nuts! Ha ha ha ha!

PEACH [muffled] We got a live one!

BLOAT Can't hear you, Peach.

PEACH I said we got a live one.

GURGLE Yes!

BLOAT Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

DEB What do we got?

PEACH Root canal, and by the looks of those x-rays it's not gonna be pretty.

PATIENT Owwwwwwwww!

BLOAT Rubber dam and clamp installed?

PEACH Yep.

GURGLE What did he use to open?

PEACH Gator-Glidden drill. He seems to be favoring that one lately.

DEB I can't see, Flo.

PATIENT You're getting a little too--aaaaah!!!

PEACH Now he's doing the Schilder technique.

BLOAT Oooh, he's using a Hedstrom file.

GURGLE That's not a Hedstrom file. That's a K-Flex.

BLOAT It's got a teardrop cross-section. Clearly a Hedstrom.

GURGLE No, no. K-Flex.

BLOAT Hedstrom!

GURGLE K-Flex!

BLOAT Hedstro--! [inflates] There I go. A little help over here.

DEB I'll go deflate him. 

                                              18

DENTIST All right, go ahead and rinse.

GURGLE Ugh! The human mouth is a disgusting place.

PEACH Hey, Nigel.

NIGEL What did I miss? Am I late?

PEACH Root canal and it's a doozy.

NIGEL Root canal, eh? What did he use to open?

PEACH Gator-Glidden drill.

NIGEL He seems to be favoring that one. Hope he doesn't get surplus sealer at the portal terminus... hello.

NEMO [gasps]

NIGEL Who's this?

DEB New guy. Ha ha ha!

GURGLE The dentist took him off the reef.

NIGEL An outie. From my neck of the woods, eh? Sorry if I ever took a snap at you. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta eat. [gasps]

DENTIST Hey! No, no, no, no! They're not your fish. They're my fish. Come on, go! Go on, shoo! Oh, the picture broke. This here's Darla. She's my niece. She's going to be eight next week. Hey, little fella. Say hello to your new mummy. She'll be here Friday to pick you up. You're her present. Shh, shh, shh! It's our little secret. Well, Mr. Tucker, while that sets up I'm going to see a man about a wallaby.

BLOAT Oh, Darla.

NEMO What? What's wrong with her?

GURGLE She wouldn't stop shaking the bag.

BUBBLES Poor Chuckles.

DEB He was her present last year.

BLOAT Hitched a ride on the porcelain express.

PEACH She's a fish killer.

NEMO I can't go with that girl! I have to get back to my dad! Aaah! Daddy! Help me!

GURGLE Oh, he's stuck!

GILL 

                                              19

Nobody touch him! Nobody touch him.

NEMO Can you help me?

GILL No. You got yourself in there, you can get yourself out.

PEACH Gill..

GILL I just wanna see him do it, okay? Calm down. Alternate wiggling your fins and your tail.

NEMO I can't. I have a bad fin.

GILL Never stopped me.

GILL Just think about what you need to do.

BLOAT Come on.

GILL Perfect.

BUBBLES Yay!

GURGLE You did it!

DEB Good squirming! Ha ha ha!

PEACH Wow. From the ocean. Just like you, Gill.

GILL Yeah.

PEACH I've seen that look before. What are you thinking about?

GILL I'm thinking, tonight, we give the kid a proper reception.

BLOAT So kid, you got a name or what?

NEMO Nemo. I'm Nemo.

==========================================================================

MARLIN Nemo. Nemo. [mutters]

DORY Are you gonna eat that? Careful with that hammer...

MARLIN Huh? No, no! What does it say? Dory!

DORY Sea monkey has my money...

MARLIN Wake up! Get up! Come on! Come on!

DORY Yes, I'm a natural blue...

MARLIN 

                                            20

Get up!

DORY Look out! Sharks eat fish! Aaaaaah!

MARLIN/DORY AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

DORY Wow. Dusty.

MARLIN [gasps] The mask! Where's the mask? No! No, not the mask! Get it! Get the mask! Get the mask! Get it!

DORY [singing] Hoo doot doo doot doot doo doot. Whoo-hoo! La la la la la la. Just keeps going on, doesn't it? Echo! Echo! Hey, what are you doing?

MARLIN It's gone. I've lost the mask.

DORY Did you drop it?

MARLIN You dropped it! That was my only chance of finding my son, now it's gone.

DORY Hey, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do?

MARLIN I don't wanna know what you gotta do when life gets you down.

DORY [singing] Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.

MARLIN Dory, no singing.

DORY [singing] Ho ho ho ho ho ho! I love to swim! When you want to swim..

MARLIN See, I'm going to get stuck now with that song now it's in my head!

DORY Sorry.

MARLIN Dory, do you see anything?

DORY Aaah! Something's got me!

MARLIN That was me. I'm sorry.

DORY [gasps] Who was that?

MARLIN Who could it be? It's me!

DORY Are..are you my conscience?

MARLIN Yeah, yeah. I'm your conscience. We haven't spoken for a while. How are you?

DORY Hmm, can't complain.

MARLIN Yeah? Good. Now, Dory. I want you to tell me..do you see anything? 


                                            21

DORY I see..I see a light.

MARLIN A light.

DORY Yeah. Over there. Hey, conscience. Am I dead?

MARLIN No, I see it too. What is it?

DORY It's so pretty.

MARLIN I'm feeling...happy. Which is a big deal for me.

DORY I want to touch it. Oh!

MARLIN Hey, come back. Come on back here.

DORY [singing] I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna swim with you.

MARLIN I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna be your best friend...good feeling's gone.

MARLIN I can't see! I don't know where I'm going!

DORY Haah!

MARLIN The mask!

DORY What mask?

DORY Okay, I can't see a thing.

MARLIN Oh, gee!

DORY Hey, look! A mask!

MARLIN Read it!

DORY I'm sorry, but if you could just bring it a little closer, I kind of need the light. That's great, keep it right there.


MARLIN Just read it!

DORY Okay, okay. Mr. Bossy. Uh, 'P'. Okay, 'P'. 'Shh-eer...Sher--P. Sher--P. Shirley? P.--'. Oh! The first line's 'P. Sherman'!

MARLIN P. Sherman doesn't make any sense!

DORY Okay, second line. '42'.

MARLIN Don't eat me! Don't eat me! Aaaah!

DORY Light, please. 'Walla--Walla--Walla-beee'... 

                                              22

MARLIN Waah! Waaah! Waaaah!

DORY The second line's '42 Wallaby Way'!

MARLIN That's great! Speed read! Take a guess! No pressure! No problem! There's a lot of pressure! Pressure! Take a guess now with pressure!

DORY 'Sydney'. It's 'Sydney'!

MARLIN Duck!

DORY Aaah!

MARLIN I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I died, I'm dead.

MARLIN Whoo-hoo! [singing] We did it, we did it! Oh yeah, yeah, yeah! No eating here tonight, whoo!

BOTH [singing] Eating here tonight!

MARLIN Dory.

DORY [singing] No, no, no eating here tonight. You on a diet--

MARLIN Dory! What did the mask say?

DORY 'P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney'. [gasps] I remember what it said! I usually forget things, but I remembered it this time!

MARLIN Whoa, whoa, wait! Where is that?

DORY I don't know. But who cares? I remembered!

MARLIN/DORY Aaah!

DORY P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. I remembered it again!

==========================================================================

JACQUES Psst. Nemo.

NEMO Mmmm...

JACQUES Nemo.

NEMO Huh?

JACQUES Suivez-moi. Follow me.

BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE [chanting] Ha! Ho! Hwa! Hwee! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ha! Ho! Hwa! Hwee! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ha! Ho! Hwa! Hwee! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Hahoo! Wahoo! Yahoo! Ho! Ha! Ho! Wahee! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Hoo!

GILL State your name. 

                                            23

NEMO Nemo.

GILL Brother Bloat, proceed.

BLOAT Nemo! Newcomer of orange and white, you have been called forth to the summit of Mount Wannahockaloogie to join with us in the fraternal bonds of tankhood.

NEMO Huh?

PEACH We want you in our club, kid.

NEMO Really?

BLOAT If you are able to swim through..THE RING OF FIRE! [whispers to Jacques] Turn on the Ring of Fire! The Ring of Fire, you said you could do it--THE RING OF FIRE!

BUBBLES Bubbles! Bubbles! Let me--oww!

BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE [chanting]

PEACH Isn't there another way? He's just a boy!

JACQUES [wailing]

GILL From this moment on, you will now be known as Sharkbait.

BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE Sharkbait! Ooh ha ha!

GILL Welcome, brother Sharkbait!

BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE Sharkbait! Ooh ha ha!

GILL Enough with the Sharkbait.

GURGLE Sharkbait! Ooh..ba-ba-doo.

GILL Okay, Sharkbait's one of us now, agreed?

BLOAT/BUBBLES/GURGLE Agreed!

GILL We can't send him off to his death. Darla's coming in 5 days, so what are we gonna do? I'll tell you what we're gonna do: we're gonna get him outta here. We're gonna help him escape.

NEMO Escape? Really?

GILL We're all gonna escape!

GURGLE Gill, please, not another one of your escape plans.

DEB Sorry, but they, they just, they never work. 


                                              24

BLOAT Yeah. Why should this be any different?

GILL 'Cause we've got him.

NEMO Me?

GILL You see that filter?

NEMO Yeah?

GILL You're the only one who can get in and out of that thing. What we need you to do is take a pebble inside and jam the gears. You do that and this tank's gonna get filthier and filthier by the minute. Pretty soon, the dentist'll have to clean the tank himself. And when he does, he'll take us out of the tank, put us in the individual baggies, then we roll ourselves down the counter, out of the window, off the awning, into the bushes, across the street and into the harbor! It's foolproof! Who's with me?

BLOAT Aye!

JACQUES Aye!

DEB Aye!

BUBBLES Aye!

GURGLE I think your nuts.

GILL/NEMO [sighs]

GURGLE No offense, kid, but, um..you're not the best swimmer.

GILL He's fine, he can do this. So Sharkbait, what do you think?

NEMO Let's do it.

==========================================================================

DORY I'm going to P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. Where are you going? I'm going to P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. If you're askin' where I'm goin'. I'll tell you that's where I'm going. It's P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. Where? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way...

MARLIN Excuse me. Ex-excuse me, um, hi. Do you know how to get to--hello? W-w-w-wait! Can you tell me--hey! Hold it! Wait a minute! I'm trying to talk to you. Okay, fellas, come back here. Please, one quick question. I need to aaaaand they're gone again. [sighs]

DORY P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. Why do I have to tell you over and over again? I'll tell you again. I don't get tired of it--

MARLIN Okay, all right.

DORY Huh?

MARLIN Here's the thing.

DORY 

                                            25

Uh-huh.

MARLIN Y'know, I just, I-I think it's best if I just, if I just, carry on from here by..by myself.

DORY Okay.

MARLIN Y'know, alone.

DORY Uh-huh.

MARLIN Without, without..well, I mean, not without you. I mean, it's just that I don't want you... with me.

DORY Huh?

MARLIN I don't wanna hurt your feelings..

DORY You want me to leave?

MARLIN Well, I mean not..yes, yeah. It's just that you know I-I just can't afford anymore delays and you're one of those fish that cause delays. And sometimes it's a good thing. There's a whole group of fish. They're..'delay fish'.

DORY You mean..[whimper]you mean you don't..like me? [sobs]

MARLIN No, of course I like you. It's because I like you I don't wanna be with you. It's a complicated emotion. Oh, don't cry. I like you.

MOONFISH LEADER Hey, you! Lady, is this guy botherin' you?

DORY Um, I don't remember. Were you?

MARLIN No, no, no, no, no. We're just, we're..hey, do you guys know how I can get to--

MOONFISH LEADER Look, pal. We're talkin' to the lady, not you. Hey-hey, you like impressions?

DORY Mm-mmm-mmmm.

MOONFISH LEADER Okay. Just like in rehearsals, gentlemen. So, what are we? Take a guess.

DORY Oh, oh, I've seen one of those.

MOONFISH LEADER I'm a fish with a nose like a sword.

DORY Wait, wait, um..

MARLIN It's a swordfish.

MOONFISH LEADER Hey, clown boy! Let the lady guess. Where's the butter?

DORY Oh-oh-oh! It's on the tip of my tongue.

MARLIN [coughs up answer]Lobster. 

                                            26

MOONFISH LEADER Saw that.

MARLIN What?

MOONFISH LEADER Lots of legs, lives in the ocean.

DORY Clam!

MOONFISH LEADER Close enough. [singing] Oh, it's a whale of a tale, I'll tell you lad, a whale of a tale.

DORY Oh, they're good.

MARLIN Will somebody please give me directions?

MOONFISH LEADER [impersonating Marlin] Will somebody please give me directions?

DORY Ha ha ha ha ha!

MARLIN I'm serious.

MOONFISH LEADER Blah-blah-blah! Me-me-blah! Blah-blah-blah-blah-me-me-me!

MARLIN Thank you.

DORY Oh dear. Hey, hey come back! Hey, what's the matter?

MARLIN What's the matter? While they're doing their silly little impressions, I am miles from home, with a fish that can't even remember her own name.

DORY Boy, bet that's frustrating.

MARLIN Yeah. Meanwhile my son is out there.

DORY You're son Chico?

MARLIN Nemo.

DORY Right. Got it.

MARLIN But it doesn't matter, 'cause no fish in this entire ocean is gonna help me.

DORY Well, I'm helping you. Wait right here. Hey, guys.

MOONFISH LEADER What, is he bothering you again?

DORY No, no, he's a good guy. Go easy on him, he's lost his son, Fabio. Any of you heard of P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney?

MOONFISH LEADER Sydney? Oh sure. Why, Ted here's got relatives in Sydney. Don't you, Ted?

MOONFISH TED Sure do. 

                                            27

DORY Oh, hey! They know Sydney!

MARLIN [gasps]

DORY You wouldn't know how to get there, would you?

MOONFISH LEADER What you wanna do is follow the EAC, that's the East Australian Current. Big current, can't miss it, it's in..that direction. And then you gotta follow that for about, I don't know, what do you guys think? About three leagues? And that little baby's gonna put you right past Sydney.

MOONFISH SCHOOL TA-DAA!

MARLIN Great! That's great! Dory, you did it!

DORY Oh, please. I'm just your little helper. Helping along, that's me.

MARLIN Well, listen fellas, thank you.

MOONFISH LEADER Don't mention it. And, uh, loosen up. Okay, buddy?

DORY Oh, you guys. You really nailed him. Bye.

MOONFISH LEADER Oh, hey ma'am, one more thing.

DORY Yes.

MOONFISH LEADER When you come to this trench, swim through it, not over it.

DORY Trench, through it, not over it. I'll remember. Hey, hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, wait up, partner. Hold on. Wait! Wait-wait! I got, I gotta tell you something..whoa. Nice trench. Hello! Okay, let's go.

MARLIN Bad trench, bad trench. Come on, we're gonna swim over this thing.

DORY Whoa, whoa, partner. Little red flag goin' up. Somethin's telling me we should swim through it, not over it.

MARLIN Are you even looking at this thing? It's got death written all over it.

DORY I'm sorry, but I really, really, really think we should swim through.

MARLIN And I'm really, really done talking about this. Over we go.

DORY Come on, trust me on this.

MARLIN Trust you?

DORY Yes, trust. It's what friends do.

MARLIN Look! Something shiny!

DORY 

                                            28

Where?

MARLIN Oh, it just swam over the trench. Come on, we'll follow it.

DORY Okay.

DORY Boy, sure is clear up here.

MARLIN Exactly. And look at that, there's the current. We should be there in no time.

DORY Hey, little guy.

MARLIN You wanted to go through the trench.

DORY I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy. Come here, Squishy. Come here, little Squishy. [Baby talk]---oww!

MARLIN Dory! That's a jellyfish!

DORY Bad Squishy! Bad Squishy!

MARLIN Shoo! Shoo, shoo! Get away! Come here, let me see.

DORY Don't touch it! Don't touch it!

MARLIN I'm not gonna touch it. I just wanna look.

DORY Heeey, how come it didn't sting you?

MARLIN It did. It's just that..

DORY Ow! Ow, oww!

MARLIN ..hold still. I live in this anemone and I'm, I'm, I'm used to these kind of stings. Come here.

DORY Ow, ow! Oww!

MARLIN It doesn't look bad, you're gonna be fine. But now we know, don't we?

DORY Yeah.

MARLIN That we don't wanna touch these again. Let's be thankful this time it was just a little one.[gasps]

MARLIN/DORY Aaaah!

MARLIN Don't move! This is bad, Dory.

DORY Hey, watch this! Boing! Boing!

MARLIN [gasps] Dory! 


                                            29

DORY Boing-boing-boing! [singing] You can't catch me!

MARLIN Dory! Don't bounce on the tops! They will..not sting you. The tops don't sting you, that's it!

DORY Ooh! Two in a row, beat that.

MARLIN Dory! All right, listen to me. I have an idea, a game.

DORY A game?

MARLIN A game.

DORY A game?

MARLIN Yes.

DORY Aah! I love games! Pick me!

MARLIN All right, here's the game. Um, whoever can hop the fastest out of these jellyfish, wins.

DORY Okay!

MARLIN Rules, rules, rules!

DORY Okay!

MARLIN You can't touch the tentacles, only the tops.

DORY Something about tentacles, got it. On your mark, get set, go!

MARLIN W-wait! Wait! Not something about them, it's all about them! Wait!

DORY Weeee!

MARLIN Dory!

DORY Gotta go faster if you wanna win!

MARLIN [gasps] Dory!

DORY Boing! Boing! Boing-boing-boing-boing!

MARLIN Wait a minute--whoa! Dory!

DORY Weeee!

MARLIN So, we're cheating death now. That's what we're doin'. We're havin' fun at the same time. I can do this, just be careful.

DORY Yeah, careful I don't make you cry when I win! 


                                            30

MARLIN Oh, I don't think so!

DORY Ha ha ha ha! Whooo! Give it up, old man. You can't fight evolution, I was built for speed.

MARLIN The question is, Dory, are you hungry?

DORY Huh? Hungry?

MARLIN Yeah, 'cause you're about to eat my bubbles! Duck to the left! Right there! The clownfish is the winner! Woohoo! We did it! We're gonna...Dory? Oh no. Dory! Dory! Dory! [gasps] Dory! Uggghhh!

DORY Ugh...am I disqualified?

MARLIN No, you're doing fine! You're, you're actually winning! But you gotta stay awake. Uh, where does P. Sherman live?

DORY P..Sherman..Wallaby Way...Sydney...

MARLIN That's it! Oww! Ow! Stay awake! Stay awake! Ow! Stay awake! Stay--awake!

DORY Awake...P..Sherman..

MARLIN Awake...

DORY ..42 Wallaby Way...

MARLIN Awake...wake up...Nemo...

==========================================================================

GILL You miss your dad, don't you, Sharkbait?

NEMO Yeah.

GILL Well, you're lucky to have someone out there who's lookin' for you.

NEMO He's not looking for me. He's scared of the ocean.

GILL Peach, any movement?

PEACH He's had at least four cups of coffee, it's gotta be soon.

GILL Keep on him.

GILL My first escape, landed on dental tools. I was aimin' for the toilet.

NEMO Toilet?

GILL All drains lead to the ocean, kid.

NEMO Wow. How many times have you tried to get out? 


                                            31

GILL Aah, I've lost count. Fish aren't meant to be in a box, kid. It does things to 'ya.

BUBBLES Bubbles! Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles---

PEACH Potty break! Potty break! He just grabbed the Reader's Digest! We have 4.2 minutes.

GILL That's your cue, Sharkbait.

BLOAT You can do it, kid.

GILL Okay, you gotta be quick. Once you get in, you swim down to the bottom of the chamber and I'll talk you through the rest.

NEMO Okay.

GILL Go on, it'll be a piece of kelp.

NEMO [takes a deep breath]

GILL Nicely done! Can you hear me?

NEMO Yeah.

GILL Here comes the pebble. Now, do you see a small opening?

NEMO Uh-huh.

GILL Okay, inside it you'll see a rotating fan. Very carefully, wedge that pebble into the fan to stop it turning.

NEMO Aaah!

GILL Careful, Sharkbait.

NEMO I can't do it!

PEACH Gill, this isn't a good idea.

GILL He'll be fine. Try again.

NEMO Okay.

GILL That's it, Sharkbait. Nice and steady.

NEMO I got it! I got it!

PEACH [sigh]

BLOAT He did it!

GURGLE Whew! 


                                            32

GILL That's great, kid! Now, swim up the tube and out.

NEMO Oh no! Gill! Gill!

GILL Sharkbait!

BLOAT Oh my gosh!

GILL Get 'im outta there! Get 'im outta there!

BUBBLES Help him!

GURGLE What do we do!? What do we do!?

PEACH Oh no!

GILL Stay calm, kid! Just don't panic!

NEMO Help me!

GILL Sharkbait! Grab hold of this!

NEMO No! No!

GILL Feed me more!

GURGLE That's it!

GILL Come on, Sharkbait! Grab it!

NEMO I got it!

GILL Pull!

PEACH Gill, don't make him go back in there.

GILL No. We're done.

==========================================================================

CRUSH Dude.

MARLIN Ooh...

CRUSH Dude. Focus, dude. Dude.

MARLIN Ooooh...

CRUSH Oh, he lives! Hey, dude!

MARLIN Ooooh..what happened? 


                                            33

CRUSH Oh, saw the whole thing, dude. First you were like, 'whoa'! And then we were all like, 'whoa'! And then you were like, 'whoa'.

MARLIN What're you talking about?

CRUSH You, mini-man. Takin' on the jellies. You got serious thrill issues, dude.

MARLIN Ooh.

CRUSH Awesome.

MARLIN Ooh..ooh, my stomach. Ooooh..

CRUSH Oh, man. No hurlin' on the shell, dude, okay, just waxed it.

MARLIN So Mr. Turtle...

CRUSH Whoa, dude. Mr. Turtle is my father. Name's Crush.

MARLIN Crush? Really? Okay Crush, listen I need to get to the East Australian Current. EAC?

CRUSH Ha ha ha, dude, ha ha, you're ridin' it, dude! Check it out!

CRUSH Okay, grab shell, dude!

MARLIN Grabbing--waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Whooooooaaaa!!!

CRUSH Ha ha! Righteous! Righteous! Yeah!

MARLIN Stop!

CRUSH So, what brings you on this fine day to the EAC?

MARLIN Well, Dory and I need to get to Sydney. [gasps] Dory! Dory! Is she all right!?

CRUSH Oh. Oh, Little Blue. She is sub-level, dude.

MARLIN Dory, Dory! Dory!

DORY Hmm-mmm....

MARLIN Oh, Dory. I-I-I'm so sorry. This is all my fault, it's my fault...

DORY ..29, 30! Ready or not, here I come! There you are! Catch me if you can! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

MARLIN Huh?

SQUIRT Whoa!

MARLIN [gasps] Oh my goodnes! 


                                              34

CRUSH Whoa. Kill the motor, dude. Let us see what Squirt does flying solo.

SQUIRT Whoa! Whoa! That was so cool! Hey dad, did you see that? Did you see me? Did you see what I did?

CRUSH You so totally rock, Squirt! So give me some fin..noggin..

CRUSH/SQUIRT ..dude!

CRUSH Oh, intro. Jellyman, Offspring. Offspring, Jellyman.

SQUIRT Jellies? Sweet.

CRUSH Totally.

MARLIN Well, apparently, I must've done something you all like. Heh, uh, dudes.

SQUIRT You rock, dude.

MARLIN Ow.

CRUSH Curl away, my son. Aw, it's awesome, Jellyman. Little dudes are just eggs, leave 'em on the beach to hatch, then coo-coo-ca-choo, they find their way back to the big 'ol blue.

MARLIN All by themselves?

CRUSH Yeah.

MARLIN But-but-but dude, how do you know when they're ready?

CRUSH Well, you never really know. But when they'll know, you'll know, you know? Ha.

DORY Hey! Look, everybody!

SQUIRT I know that dude. It's the Jellyman.

DORY Well, go on, jump on him.

TURTLE KIDS Turtle pile!

MARLIN W-w-wai-wait--

TURTLE KID 1 Are you funny?

TURTLE KID 2 Where's your shell?

MARLIN Hold on, I need to breath--

TURTLE KID 3 Are you running away?

TURTLE KID 4 Did you really cross the jellyfish forest? 


                                            35

TURTLE KID 5 Did they sting you?

MARLIN One at a time!

TURTLE KID 6 Mr. Fish, did you die?

DORY Sorry. I was a little vague on the details.

SQUIRT So where are you going?

MARLIN Well, you see my son was taken. My son was taken away from me.

TURTLE KIDS [gasp]

DORY No way.

SQUIRT What happened?

MARLIN No, no, no, kids. I don't wanna talk about it.

TURTLE KIDS Awww! Please?

SQUIRT Pleeeease?

MARLIN [sighs] Well, okay. I live on this reef, a long long way from here.

DORY Oh, boy. This is gonna be good, I can tell.

MARLIN And my son, Nemo, see he was mad at me. And maybe he wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been so tough on him, I don't know. Anyway, he swam out in the open water to this boat and when he was out there, these divers appeared and I tried to stop them but the boat was too fast. So we swam out in the ocean to follow them...

TURTLE KID They couldn't stop them. And then Nemo's dad, he swims out to the ocean and they bump into..

SMALL FISH ..three ferocious sharks! He scares away the sharks by blowin' them up!

BIG FISH Golly, that's amazing!

SMALL FISH And then dives thousands of..

LOBSTER ..feet straight down into the dark. It's like wicked dark down there, you can see a thing. How's it goin', Bob? And the only thing that they can see down there..

SWORDFISH ..is the light from this big horrible creature with razor sharp teeth. Nice parry, old man. And then he has to blast his way...

DOLPHIN So, these two little fish have been..searching the ocean for days. On the East Australian Current.

FEMALE BIRD Which means that he may be on his way here right now. That should put them in Sydney..

MALE BIRD 1 ..Harbor in a matter of days. I mean, it sounds like this guy's gonna stop at.. 

                                              36

MALE BIRD 2 ..nothing until he finds his son. I sure hope he makes it.

MALE BIRD 3 That's one dedicated father if you ask me.

GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

NIGEL Oh, would you just shut up! You're rats with wings!

PELICAN ..bloke's been lookin' for his boy Nemo.

NIGEL Nemo?

PELICAN He was taken off the reef by divers and this..

NIGEL There, take it! You happy!

GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

NIGEL Hey, hey, hey! Say that again! You said something about Nemo. What was it?

GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine!

CRAB Whooooooaaa..watcha!

GULL Mine!

PELICAN Last I heard, he's headin' towards the harbor.

NIGEL Ho ho! Brilliant!

==========================================================================

NEMO [sighs]

DEB Is he doing okay?

GURGLE I don't know, but whatever you do, don't mention D-A-R..

NEMO It's okay, I know who you're talking about.

NEMO Gill? Gill?

GILL Hey, Sharkbait.

NEMO I'm sorry I couldn't stop the--

GILL No, I'm the one who should be sorry. I was so ready to get out, so ready to taste that ocean. I was willing to put you in harm's way to get there. Nothing should be worth that. I'm sorry I couldn't get you back to your father, kid.

NIGEL All right! Hey, hey, hey, hey--! 


                                             37

DENTIST What the!?

PATIENT AAAAAAAAAH!!! Oooooh...

DENTIST Well, uh, that's one way to pull a tooth. He he he he he! Huh, darn kids. Well, good thing I pulled the right one, eh, prime minister? He he he he!

NIGEL Hey, hey. Psst!

PEACH Oh, Nigel. You just missed an extraction.

NIGEL Ooh! Has he loosened the periodontal ligament yet--oh, what I'm talkin' about!? Nemo! Where's Nemo? I gotta speak with him.

NEMO What? What is it?

NIGEL Your dad's been fighting the entire ocean looking for you.

NEMO My father? Really?

GILL Really?

NIGEL Oh yeah. He's travelled hundreds of miles. He's been battling sharks and jellyfish and all sorts of--

NEMO Sharks? That can't be him.

NIGEL Are you sure? What was his name? Some sort of sportfish or something: tuna, uh, trout..

NEMO Marlin?

NIGEL That's it! Marlin! The little clownfish from the reef.

NEMO It's my dad! He took on a shark!

NIGEL I heard he took on three.

DEB/BLOAT/GURGLE Three!?

GILL Three sharks!?

BLOAT That's gotta be forty eight hundred teeth!

NIGEL You see, kid, after you were taken by diver Dan over there, your dad followed the boat you were on like a maniac.

NEMO Really?

NIGEL He's swimming and he's swimming and he's giving it all he's got and then three gigantic sharks capture him and he blows them up! And then dives thousands of feet and gets chased by a monster with huge teeth! He ties this demon to a rock and what does he get for a reward? He gets to battle an entire jellyfish forest! And now he's riding with a bunch of sea turtles on the East Australian Current and the word is he's headed this way right now, to Sydney! 

                                              38

BLOAT Wow! Ha ha ha!

DEB Oh, what a good daddy!

GILL He was lookin' for you after all, Sharkbait.

GILL [gasps]

GURGLE He's swimming to the filter!

GILL [gasps] Sharkbait!

BLOAT Not again!

GILL Sharkbait!

DEB No!

GURGLE You've got your whole life ahead of you!

BLOAT Oh no!

GILL We'll help you, kid!

BLOAT Gotta get him out!

DEB Gimme that thing!

DEB Get him outta there!

GURGLE Come on, kid! Grab the end!

ALL [gasps]

DEB Sharkbait!

BLOAT Sharkbait! Are you okay!?

GURGLE No!

GILL Can you hear me, Sharkbait!? Nemo! Can you hear me!?

NEMO Yeah, I can hear you.

GILL Sharkbait, you did it!

GURGLE Sharkbait, you're--covered with germs! Aaaaaaah!!!

GILL That took guts, kid.

GILL 

                                              39

All right, gang. We have less than 48 hours before Darla gets here. This tank'll get plenty dirty in that time but we have to help it along any way we can. Jacques!

JACQUES Oui!

GILL No cleaning.

JACQUES I shall resist.

GILL Everybody else, be as gross as possible. Think dirty thoughts. We're gonna make this tank so filthy, the dentist'll have to clean it.

BLOAT [belch]

GILL Good work.

NEMO Ha ha ha ha!

==========================================================================

CRUSH All right, we're here, dudes! Get ready! Your exit's comin' up, man!

MARLIN Where!? I don't see it!

DORY Right there! I see it! I see it!

MARLIN You mean the swirling vortex of terror!?

CRUSH That's it, dude!

MARLIN Of course it is.

CRUSH Okay, first: find your exit buddy!

CRUSH Do you have your exit buddy?

DORY Yes!

CRUSH Okay, Squirt here will now give you a rundown of proper exiting technique!

SQUIRT Good afternoon, we're gonna have a great jump today! Okay, crank a hard cutback as you hit the wall! There's a screaming bottom turn, so watch out! Remember: rip it, roll it and punch it!

MARLIN It's like he's trying to speak to me, I know it! You know, you're really cute! But I don't know what you're saying! Say the first thing again!

CRUSH Okay, Jellyman! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

MARLIN/DORY Aaaaaaaaaah!!! Weeeeeeeeeeee!!! Whoooooooooooaaaaa!!! Aaaaaaaaaaah!!! Woohoooo!!! Whoooooaaa!!!

DORY Whoooo!

MARLIN 

                                            40

Ha ha ha ha! That was..fun! Ha ha! I actually enjoyed that!

DORY Hey, look! Turtles!

CRUSH Ha ha! Most excellent! Now, turn your fishy tails 'round and swim straight on through to Sydney! No worries, man!

MARLIN No worries! Thank you, dude Crush!

TURTLE KIDS Bye! Bye, Jellyman!

CRUSH You tell your little dude I said 'hi', okay?

SQUIRT See you later, dudes!

DORY Bye, everyone!

MARLIN Oh, Nemo would've loved this. Hey, ooh! Hey, Crush! Crush, I forgot! How old are you?

CRUSH Hundred and fifty, dude! And still young! Rock on!

MARLIN Hundred and fifty! Hundred and fifty, I gotta remember that.

DORY Whoa. We goin' in there?

MARLIN Yup.

DORY P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney?

MARLIN Yup. We're gonna just swim straight.

DORY [singing] Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

MARLIN Dory?

==========================================================================

MARLIN Boy, this is taking a while.

DORY Hey, how about we play a game?

MARLIN Okay.

DORY Uh, okay. I'm thinking of something, uh, orange. And it's small..

MARLIN It's me.

DORY Right. Okay..

DORY ..orange, and uh, small..

MARLIN It's me. 


                                              41

DORY All righty, Mr. Smarty Pants.

DORY ..orange and small, and white stripes..

MARLIN Me. And the next one's just a guess: me.

DORY Okay, that's just scary.

MARLIN W-w-wait, I have definitely seen this floating speck before. That means we've passed it before and that means we're going in circles and that means we're not going straight!

DORY Hey. Hey!

MARLIN We gotta get to the surface, come on! Let's figure it out up there. Let's go! Follow me! Wha--?

DORY Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! Relax. Take a deep breath. Now, let's ask somebody for directions.

MARLIN Oh, fine. Who do you wanna ask, the speck? There's nobody here!

DORY Well, there has to be someone. It's the ocean, silly, we're not the only two in here. Let's see...okay, no one there. Uhh, nope. Nada. [gasps] There's somebody. Hey! Excuse--

MARLIN Dory! Dory! Dory! Okay, now it's my turn. I'm thinking of something dark and mysterious. It's a fish we don't know. And if we ask it directions, it could ingest us and spit out our bones!

DORY What is it with men and asking for directions?

MARLIN Look, I don't wanna play the gender card right now. You wanna play a card? Let's play the 'Let's Not Die' card.

DORY You wanna get outta here, don't you?

MARLIN Of course, I do.

DORY Well then, how are we gonna do that unless we give it a shot and hope for the best? Hmmm? Hmmmm!? Come on, trust me on this.

MARLIN All right.

DORY Excuse me! Woohoo! Little fella? Hello. Don't be rude, say 'hi'.

MARLIN Ha..hello.

DORY His son Bingo..

MARLIN Nemo.

DORY ..Nemo, was taken to, uh..

MARLIN Sydney.

DORY 

                                            42

Sydney. Yes. And it's really, really important that we get there as fast as we can. So can you help us out? Come on, little fella. Come on.

MARLIN Dory, I'm a little fella. I don't think that's a little fella.

DORY Oh. Oh, oh, big fella. Big fe--whale. Okay. Maybe he only speaks whale. MOOOOO-WEEEEEEE-NEEEEED...

MARLIN Uh, Dory..what're you doing?

DORY TOOOOOOO-FIIIIIIND...

MARLIN What're you doing?

DORY HIS-SOOOOOOOOOOOON...

MARLIN Are you sure you speak whale?

DORY CAN-YOOOOOOOUUU-GIIIIIIIIIVE-USSSS-DIRECTIOOOOOOOONS-TOOOOOOOOO...

MARLIN Dory! Heaven knows what you're saying! See, he's swimming away.

DORY COOOME-BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

MARLIN He's not coming back. You offended him.

DORY Maybe a different dialect. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOOOOOAAAAAAAAAA..!

MARLIN Dory. Dory, this is not whale. You're speaking like..upset stomach.

DORY Maybe I should try humpback.

MARLIN No, don't try humpback.

DORY WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOO!!! WAAAAAAAAAOOOOOO!!!

MARLIN Okay, you actually sound sick.

DORY Maybe louder, huh? RAAAH!!! RAAAAH!!!

MARLIN Don't do that!

DORY Too much orca. Didn't it sound a little orca-ish?

MARLIN It doesn't sound orca! It sounds like nothing I've ever heard!

DORY MOOOO..MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

MARLIN It's just as well, he might be hungry.

DORY Don't worry. Whales don't eat clownfish, they eat krill.

KRILL 

                                            43

Swim away!

DORY Oh, look. Krill.

MARLIN Move, Dory! Move!

DORY Aah-aaah! Aaaaaaaaaah!

==========================================================================

GILL Look at that. Would you look at that? Filthy. Absolutely filthy. And it's all thanks to you, kid. You made it possible. Jacques, I said no cleaning!

JACQUES I am ashamed.

PEACH Hey, look. Scum angel.

GURGLE Aah! Aaaah! Ooh-ooh! Aaaaah!

BUBBLES Bubbles! I love the bubbles--! [coughs]

DEB Flo! Flo! Has anybody seen Flo? Flo!

PEACH Nine o' clock and cue dentist.

DENTIST Hello, Barbara. Sorry I'm late.

PEACH Okay. Okay, here we go. Here we go, okay.

DENTIST Little Davey Reynolds.

PEACH Okay. Walks to the counter, drops the keys..

GURGLE Bloat, that's disgusting!

BLOAT Tastes pretty good to me. [belch]

GURGLE Eww! Don't you people realize we are swimming in our own--

PEACH Shhh! Here he comes.

DENTIST Crikey, what a state. Oh. Barbara, what's my earliest appointment tomorrow?

BARBARA Uh, ten 'o clock, luv.

DENTIST Leave it open, would you? I gotta clean the fish tank before Darla gets here.

GILL He he! Did you hear that, Sharkbait?

NEMO Yay! He's gonna clean the tank! He's gonna clean the tank! We're gonna be clean!

GILL Are you ready to see your dad, kid? 


                                              44

NEMO Uh-huh.

GILL Of course you are. Y'know, I wouldn't be surprised if he's out there in the harbor waitin' for you right now.

NEMO Yeah.

==========================================================================

MARLIN Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Ooof!

DORY Ha~~haaa~~haaaaaaah! Whooo!

MARLIN Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

DORY Here comes a big one--whooooooo! Come on, you gotta try this!

MARLIN Would you just stop it!?

DORY Why? What's wrong?

MARLIN We're in a whale! Don't you get it!?

DORY A whale?

MARLIN A whale! 'Cause you had to ask for help! And now we're stuck here!

DORY Wow. A whale. You know I speak whale.

MARLIN No, you're insane! You can't speak whale! I have to get out! I have to find my son! I have to tell him how old sea turtles are! [sobs]

DORY Woo-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoo! Hey. You okay?

DORY There, there. It's all right. It'll be okay.

MARLIN No. No, it won't.

DORY Sure it will, you'll see.

MARLIN No. I promised him I'd never let anything happen to him.

DORY Huh. That's a funny thing to promise.

MARLIN What?

DORY Well, you can't never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.

DORY Hmm..

MARLIN What's going on? 


                                              45

DORY I don't know. I'll ask him. MMMWWHAAAAAAAAA! HUUUWHAAAAAAAAA..

MARLIN Dory. Dory.

MARLIN ..AAAAAAAAAAT'SSS-GOOIIIIIIING..

MARLIN Dory.

DORY ..OOOOOOOOONNN?

DORY I think he says we've stopped.

MARLIN Of course, we've stopped. Just stop trying to speak whale, you're gonna make things worse. [gasps] What is that noise? Oh no. Look what you did. The water's going down! It's-it's-it's going down!

DORY Really? You sure about that?

MARLIN Look, it's already half-empty!

DORY Hmm..I'd say it's half full.

MARLIN Stop that! It's half-empty!

DORY Okay, that one was a little tougher. He either said we should go to the back of the throat or he wants a root beer float.

MARLIN Of course he wants us to go there! That's eating us! How do I taste, Moby!? Huh!? Do I taste good!? You tell him I'm not interested in being lunch!

DORY Okay. HEEEEEEEEE--

MARLIN Stop talking to him--waaaah!

DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

MARLIN What is going on!?

DORY I'll check! WHAAAAAAA--!

MARLIN No! No more whale! You can't speak whale!

DORY Yes, I can!

MARLIN No, you can't! You think you could do these things but you can't, Nemo!

DORY Okay.

MARLIN Dory!

DORY He says it's time to let go! Everything's gonna be all right!

MARLIN 

                                            46

How do you know!? How do you know something bad isn't gonna happen!?

DORY I don't!

MARLIN/DORY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

MARLIN Ha ha ha! We're alive!

DORY Look! Sy-d-ney..Sydney! Uh, Sydney! Sydney again!

MARLIN You were right, Dory! We made it! We're gonna find my son!

MARLIN THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK-YOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUU-SIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

DORY Wow. I wish I could speak whale.

MARLIN Okay. All we gotta do is find the boat that took him.

DORY Right!

MARLIN Come on, Dory. We can do this!

==========================================================================

PEACH [yawn] Morning. [gasps] It's morning, everyone! Today's the day! The sun is shining, the tank is clean and we are getting out of--[gasps]--the tank is clean. The tank is clean!

DEB But how?

GILL Boss must've installed it last night while we were sleepin'.

NEMO What're we gonna do?

GILL What's it say, Peach?

PEACH [muffled] The AquaScum two-thousand..

GILL I can't hear you, Peach.

PEACH 'The AquaScum 2003 is an all-purpose, self-cleaning maintenance free salt water purifier that is guaranteed to even extend the life of your aquarium fish'.

BLOAT [inflates] Stop it!

PEACH 'The AquaScum is programmed to scan your tank environment every 5 minutes'?

GURGLE Scan? What does that mean?

GURGLE Aaah!

AQUASCUM Temperature: 82 degrees. PH balance: normal.

ALL Oooooh. 

                                              47

PEACH Nice.

GURGLE Ooh..ah..curse you, AquaScum!

BLOAT That's it for the escape plan. It's ruined!

NEMO Then what're we gonna do about--

ALL [gasps] Darla!

GILL Stay down, kid!

BLOAT False alarm.

GURGLE My nerves can't take much more of this.

BLOAT What're we gonna do when that little brat gets here?

GILL I'm thinkin', I'm thinkin'.

NEMO Aaah! Oh! Gill!

GILL [gasps] Nemo!

NEMO Help me! Help me!

GILL Hold on! I'm comin'!

NEMO Help me!

GILL Swim down! Come on, kid! Swim down! Come on!

BLOAT Everybody jump in!

DEB Swim down!

GILL That's it!

DENTIST What the!?

ALL Yay!

GILL Good work!

NEMO Gill!

GILL [gasps] Nemo!

BLOAT Sharkbait!

GILL 

                                              48

Roll, kid! Lean! Lean!

DENTIST Whoops. That would've been a nasty fall.

NEMO Gill! Don't let me go belly up!

GILL Just calm down, Nemo.

NEMO Don't let me go belly up!

GILL You won't go belly up, I promise. You're gonna be okay.

ALL [gasps] Darla!

==========================================================================

DORY All right, do any of these boats look familiar to you?

MARLIN No, but the boat has to be here somewhere! Come on, Dory, we're gonna find it.

DORY I'm totally excited. [yawn] Are you excited? [yawn]

MARLIN Dory, wake up, wake up. Come on.

DORY [gasps] Duck!

MARLIN That's not a duck. It's a--pelican! Whooooaaaaah!

DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

MARLIN No! I didn't come this far to be breakfast!

PELICAN Hey, hey, Nigel. Heh, would you look at that?

NIGEL Huh? Wha-what?

PELICAN Sun's barely up and already Gerald's had more than he can handle.

NIGEL Yeah. Reckon somebody oughta help the poor guy.

PELICANS Yeah, yeah, right.

NIGEL Well, don't everybody fly off at once.

NIGEL All right, Gerald, what is it? Fish got your tongue?

DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

NIGEL Love a duck!

MARLIN I gotta find my son Nemo!

NIGEL 

                                             49

[gasps] Nemo? Hey, hey, hey! He's that fish! Y'know the one we were talking about! The one that's been fighting the whole ocean! Hey, I know where your son i--huh? Hey, wait! Come back! Stop!

MARLIN Dory, keep going! He's crazy!

NIGEL I got something to tell 'ya!

GULL Mine.

NIGEL Okay, don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth if you want to live.

MARLIN Hop in your mouth, huh? And how does that make me live?

GULL Mine.

NIGEL Because I can take you to your son.

MARLIN Yeah, right.

NIGEL No. I know your son. He's orange, he's got a gimpy fin on one side..

MARLIN That's Nemo!

GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

NIGEL Fasten your seatbelts!

GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

DORY Whoooooo! Woohooooo!

GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

DORY Ha-haaaa! Ha ha ha ha!

MARLIN Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

NIGEL Everybody hold on!

MARLIN/DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

GULLS Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

==========================================================================

BUBBLES Aaaah! Too loud! Too loud for me!

DARLA [singing] Twinkle, twinkle little star.

PEACH Find a happy place, find a happy place, find a happy place! 

                                            50

BARBARA Darla, you're uncle will see you now.

DENTIST All right, let's see those pearly whites.

DARLA RAAAH! I'm a piranha. They're in the Amazon.

DENTIST And a piranha's a fish, just like your present.

DARLA [giggling] I get a fishy! Fishy, fishy, fishy!

DENTIST Oh no. Poor little guy.

BLOAT He's dead!

GILL Sharkbait!

DARLA Yay! Fishy, fishy, fishy!

DENTIST He he he! Must've left your present in the car, sweetie. Ha ha ha ha ha!

DARLA Awwwww.

DENTIST I'll go and get it.

GILL [gasps] He's still alive!

PEACH He's not dead!

BLOAT What's happening? Why is he playing dead?

GILL He's gonna get flushed down the toilet! He's gonna get outta here!

DEB Yay!

BLOAT He's gonna get flushed!

GURGLE What a smart little guy!

GILL Oh no, not the trash can!

BUBBLES Nemo! No!

NIGEL Hey! Hey! I found his dad!

MARLIN Where's Nemo!? Where is he!?

BLOAT Dentist! Dentist!

GILL He's over there!

MARLIN 

                                              51

What's a dentist!? What is that!? [gasps] Nigel, get in there!

NIGEL I can't go in there.

MARLIN Oh yes, you can! Charge!

DARLA Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

DENTIST What the--!? Darla, sweetie! Look out!

DARLA Aaaaaaaah!

DENTIST Hold still!

DARLA Aaaaaaaah!

DENTIST Easy! Easy!

DARLA Aaaaaaaah!

DENTIST Hold still! Nobody's going to hurt you! Oof!

MARLIN [gasps] Nemo.

DORY [gasps] Oh my goodness.

DENTIST Gotcha! Keep down!

MARLIN Nemo!

NEMO Daddy?

DENTIST Out with 'ya! And stay out!

NEMO Daddy!?

DARLA Fishy? Fishy! Wake up! Wake up!

DEB Oh no!

GILL Quick! To the top of Mt. Wannahockaloogie!

DARLA Why are you sleeping!?

PEACH Hurry!

GILL Bloat! Ring of Fire!

DARLA Fishy--aaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaah!

DENTIST What!? All the animals have gone mad! 


                                              52

DARLA Aaaaaaaah! Get it out!

GURGLE Smack her in the head!

BLOAT Go, Gill! Go!

DARLA Fish in my hair! Aaaaaaaah!

NEMO Gill.

GILL Sharkbait. Tell your dad..I said..hi. Go get 'em.

DENTIST Ooooh. [gasps]

BLOAT He did it! Ha ha!

DEB Yay!

BUBBLES I'm so happy!

GURGLE Is he gonna be okay, Gill?

GILL Don't worry. All drains lead to the ocean.

DARLA Fishy!

NEMO Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Daddy!

==========================================================================

NIGEL I'm, I'm so sorry. Truly, I am.

DORY Hey..

MARLIN Dory. If it wasn't for you, I never even would have made it here. So, thank you.

DORY Hey! Hey, wait a minute. W-w-wait! Where are you going?

MARLIN It's over, Dory. We were too late. Nemo's gone and I'm going home now.

DORY No..no, you can't! Stop! Please don't go away. Please? No one's ever stuck with me for so long before. And if you leave, if you leave...I just, I remember things better with you. I do. Look, P. Sherman, 42..40..2..agh! I remember it, I do. It's there, I know it is because when I look at you, I can feel it. And I, I look at you and...I'm home. Please. I don't want them to go away. I don't wanna forget.

MARLIN I'm sorry, Dory, but I do.

==========================================================================

CRAB 1 Manna from heavens!

CRAB 2 Sweet nectar of life! 


                                            53

CRAB 1/CRAB 2 Hey! Hey, hey! Hey!

CRAB 1 This is our spot!

CRAB 2 Go on! Get outta here!

CRAB 1/CRAB 2 Hey, hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

CRAB 1 Yeah, that's it fella! Just keep on swimmin', you got that!

CRAB 2 Too right, mate! Oh, Oh! I got a live one here!

NEMO Hey, have you seen my dad?

CRAB 2 Gotcha! Hey! Hey! Come back here!

CRAB 1 You let 'im go!

CRAB 1/CRAB 2 Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

NEMO Dad! Dad! Dad!

DORY Aah! No!

NEMO Um, excuse me. Are you all right?

DORY I don't know where I am! I don't know what's going on, I think I lost somebody but I, I can't remember.

NEMO It's okay, it's okay. I'm looking for someone too. Hey, we can look together.

DORY I'm Dory.

NEMO I'm Nemo.

DORY Nemo? That's a nice name.

==========================================================================

NEMO Dad!

DORY Dad!

NEMO Dad!

DORY Dad! Wait a minute, is it your dad or my dad?

NEMO My dad.

DORY Got it. Dad!

NEMO Where are we, anyway? 

                                            54

DORY Dad! Dad! Oh. S-ss-syl--shi--Sydney. [gasps] 'P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney'.

DORY Aaaaah! Nemo! It's you! Aaaaaah! You're Nemo!

NEMO [muffled] Yes! Yes! I'm Nemo!

DORY Oh! You're Nemo! [gasps] You were dead! I saw you! And then I--[gasps], here you are! I found you! You're not dead! And your father--[gasps]! Your father!

NEMO My father!? You know my father!? Where is he!?

DORY [gasps] This way! He went this way! Quick!

DORY Hey! Hey, hey! Hey!

CRAB 1/CRAB 2 Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

DORY Hey! Have you seen an orange fish swim by? It looks just like him!

NEMO But bigger!

CRAB 2 Yeah, I saw 'im, bluey! But I'm not tellin' you where he went. And there's no way you're gonna make me!

GULL Mine.

CRAB Huh!? Aaaah! All right! I'll talk! I'll talk! He went to the fishing grounds! Aaaaah!

GULLS Mine!Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

==========================================================================

FISH Hey! Look out!

MARLIN Sorry. Just trying to get home.

NEMO Dad! Dad!

MARLIN Nemo?

NEMO Daddy!

MARLIN Nemo?

NEMO Dad!

DORY Nemo's alive!

MARLIN Dory? [gasps] Nemo!

NEMO Daddy! 


                                            55

MARLIN Nemo! I'm coming, Nemo!

NEMO Dad!

MARLIN Nemo!

NEMO Dad!

MARLIN Oh, thank goodness! It's all right, son. It's gonna be okay.

FISH Turn around! You're going the wrong way! Aaaaaaaaaaah!

DORY Aaaaaaaaaaaah! Look out!

MARLIN Move! Move!

FISH Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

DORY Help! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

MARLIN Dory!

NEMO Come on!

DORY Heeeeeeeelp!!! Help!

NEMO Dory!

DORY Help! Get us out! Aaaaaaaah!

MARLIN No, no, no! No! Dory!

NEMO Dad! I know what to do!

MARLIN Nemo! No!

NEMO We have to tell all the fish to swim down together!

MARLIN Get out of there, now!

NEMO I know this will work!

MARLIN No, I am not gonna lose you again!

NEMO Dad, there's no time! It's the only way we can save Dory! I can do this!

MARLIN You're right. I know you can.

NEMO Lucky fin!

MARLIN Now go! Hurry! 

                                            56

NEMO Tell all of the fish to swim down!

MARLIN Well!? You heard my son! Come on!

NEMO Dory!

DORY [gasps]

NEMO You have to tell everybody to..

MARLIN ..swim down together! Do you understand what I'm saying to you!? Swim down!

DORY Everybody swim down!

NEMO Come on! You have to swim down!

DORY Swim down, okay?

NEMO Swim..

MARLIN down! Swim down! Swim down! Swim down!

MARLIN Don't give up! Keep swimming! Just keep swimming!

NEMO It's working!

FISH Keep swimming! Keep swimming! Keep swimming!

MARLIN Just keep swimming! Keep swimming!

NEMO Come on, dad!

MARLIN You're doing great, son!

NEMO That's my dad!

MARLIN Come on! Let's get to the bottom! Keep swimming!

DORY [singing] Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

MARLIN Almost there! Keep swimming!

FISH Keep swimming! Keep swimming! Keep swimming! Keep swimming! Yay!

MARLIN Oww!

DORY Hey!

MARLIN Dory! Where's Nemo!?

DORY 

                                              57

[gasps] There!

MARLIN Oh no. Nemo!

MARLIN Nemo? Nemo? It's okay. Daddy's here, daddy's got you.

NEMO [coughs] Daddy?

MARLIN Oh, thank goodness.

NEMO Dad...I don't hate you.

MARLIN No, no, no. I'm so sorry, Nemo.

MARLIN Hey, guess what?

NEMO What?

MARLIN Sea turtles? I met one! And he was a hundred and fifty years old.

NEMO Hundred and fifty?

MARLIN Yep.

NEMO 'Cause Sandy Plankton said they only live to be a hundred.

MARLIN Sandy Plankton? Do you think I would cross the entire ocean and not know as much as Sandy Plankton!?

NEMO Ha ha ha ha!

MARLIN He was a hundred and fifty! Not one hundred! Who is this Sandy Plankton who knows everything?

==========================================================================

MARLIN Time for school! Time for school! Get up! Let's go! Go!

MARLIN I'm gonna win!

NEMO No, you're not! I did it! Woohoo! Ha ha ha!

MARLIN Oh! My own son beats me!

MR. RAY Climb aboard, explorers!

MARLIN So just then, the sea cucumber looks over to the mollusk and says : 'with fronds like these, who needs anemones?'!

BOB/TED/BILL Haaa-ha ha ha ha ha ha!

MR. RAY Well, hello, Nemo! Who's this?

NEMO Exchange student. 

                                             58

SQUIRT I'm from the EAC, dude!

MR. RAY Sweet.

NEMO/SQUIRT Totally.

BOB But seriously, Marty, did you really do all the things you say you did?

BRUCE Uh, pardon me.

BOB/TED/BILL [gasps]

BRUCE Hello.

TED Ohh!

BRUCE Don't be alarmed.

ANCHOR Oh, we just wanna make sure that our newest member got home safe.

DORY Thanks, guys.

BRUCE Well, we'll see you next week.

CHUM Keep up with the program, Dory.

ANCHOR Remember: fish are friends..

DORY ..not food! Bye!

MR. RAY Hold on! Here we go! Next up, knowledge!

MARLIN Bye, son! Have fun!

NEMO Bye, dad! Oh! Oh, Mr. Ray! Wait. I forgot something.

NEMO Love you, dad.

MARLIN I love you too, son.

NEMO Uh, dad, you can let go now.

MARLIN Sorry! Now go have an adventure!

SQUIRT Goodbye! See you later, dudes!

DORY Bye, Elmo!

MARLIN Nemo.

DORY 

                                            59

Nemo! Bye, Nemo!

NEMO See you after school, Dory! Bye, dad!

MARLIN Bye, son.

==========================================================================

DENTIST Barbara?

BARBARA Uh-huh?

DENTIST I don't understand it. Here this thing has a lifetime guarantee and it breaks! Had to clean the tank myself, take all the fish out, put 'em in bags and---where'd the fish go?

GILL Come on, Peach!

DEB Hurry!

GILL You can do it!

BLOAT Yeah, that's it! You can do it!

GURGLE Just a little further!

PEACH That's the shortest red light I've ever seen!

BLOAT Come on, Peach!

PEACH Oooh--aaaaah!

ALL Yay! We did it! Ha ha ha ha ha!

BLOAT Now what? 

==

DEJA VU

According to all known laws of aviation,


there is no way a bee should be able to fly.


Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.


The bee, of course, flies anyway


because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.


Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.


Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.


Barry! Breakfast is ready!


Ooming!


Hang on a second.


Hello?


- Barry? - Adam?


- Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.


Looking sharp.


Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.


Sorry. I'm excited.


Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.


A perfect report card, all B's.


Very proud.


Ma! I got a thing going here.


- You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!


- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!


Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!


- Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry.


- Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation.


Never thought I'd make it.


Three days grade school, three days high school.


Those were awkward.


Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive.


You did come back different.


- Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.


- Hear about Frankie? - Yeah.


- You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going.


Everybody knows, sting someone, you die.


Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead.


I guess he could have just gotten out of the way.


I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day.


That's why we don't need vacations.


Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances.


- Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are!


- Bee-men. - Amen!


Hallelujah!


Students, faculty, distinguished bees,


please welcome Dean Buzzwell.


Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of...


...9:15.


That concludes our ceremonies.


And begins your career at Honex Industries!


Will we pick ourjob today?


I heard it's just orientation.


Heads up! Here we go.


Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times.


- Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary.


Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco


and a part of the Hexagon Group.


This is it!


Wow.


Wow.


We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life


to get to the point where you can work for your whole life.


Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.


Our top-secret formula


is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured


into this soothing sweet syrup


with its distinctive golden glow you know as...


Honey!


- That girl was hot. - She's my cousin!


- She is? - Yes, we're all cousins.


- Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive


to improve every aspect of bee existence.


These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology.


- What do you think he makes? - Not enough.


Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman.


- What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey


that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions.


Oan anyone work on the Krelman?


Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know


that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot.


But choose carefully


because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life.


The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that.


What's the difference?


You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off


in 27 million years.


So you'll just work us to death?


We'll sure try.


Wow! That blew my mind!


"What's the difference?" How can you say that?


One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make.


I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life.


But, Adam, how could they never have told us that?


Why would you question anything? We're bees.


We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth.


You ever think maybe things work a little too well here?


Like what? Give me one example.


I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about.


Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach.


Wait a second. Oheck it out.


- Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow.


I've never seen them this close.


They know what it's like outside the hive.


Yeah, but some don't come back.


- Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks!


You guys did great!


You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!


- I wonder where they were. - I don't know.


Their day's not planned.


Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what.


You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that.


Right.


Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime.


It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it.


Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it.


Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too?


Distant. Distant.


Look at these two.


- Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them.


It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock.


Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom!


He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me!


- Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out.


What were you doing during this?


Trying to alert the authorities.


I can autograph that.


A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades?


Yeah. Gusty.


We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow.


- Six miles, huh? - Barry!


A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it.


- Maybe I am. - You are not!


We're going 0900 at J-Gate.


What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough?


I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means.


Hey, Honex!


Dad, you surprised me.


You decide what you're interested in?


- Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one.


Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day?


Son, let me tell you about stirring.


You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around.


You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing.


You know, Dad, the more I think about it,


maybe the honey field just isn't right for me.


You were thinking of what, making balloon animals?


That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger.


Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey!


- Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny.


You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer!


- You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me!


Wait till you see the sticks I have.


I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!


Let's open some honey and celebrate!


Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae.


Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!


I'm so proud.


- We're starting work today! - Today's the day.


Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone.


Yeah, right.


Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal...


- Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left!


One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side.


- What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar!


Wow!


Oouple of newbies?


Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!


Make your choice.


- You want to go first? - No, you go.


Oh, my. What's available?


Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think.


- Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on.


I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.


Wax monkey's always open.


The Krelman opened up again.


What happened?


A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one.


Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.


Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life!


Oh, this is so hard!


Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,


humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,


mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry?


Barry!


All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine...


What happened to you? Where are you?


- I'm going out. - Out? Out where?


- Out there. - Oh, no!


I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life.


You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?


Another call coming in.


If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd


that gets their roses today.


Hey, guys.


- Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday?


Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.


It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.


Really? Feeling lucky, are you?


Sign here, here. Just initial that.


- Thank you. - OK.


You got a rain advisory today,


and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain.


So be careful. As always, watch your brooms,


hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats.


Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us.


Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada!


- That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies,


bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans!


All right, launch positions!


Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!


Black and yellow!


Hello!


You ready for this, hot shot?


Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.


Wind, check.


- Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check.


- Wings, check. - Stinger, check.


Scared out of my shorts, check.


OK, ladies,


let's move it out!


Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers!


All of you, drain those flowers!


Wow! I'm out!


I can't believe I'm out!


So blue.


I feel so fast and free!


Box kite!


Wow!


Flowers!


This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual.


Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.


Roses!


30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.


Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick.


That is one nectar collector!


- Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir.


I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there,


a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic.


That's amazing. Why do we do that?


That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.


Oool.


I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?


Oopy that visual.


Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move.


Say again? You're reporting a moving flower?


Affirmative.


That was on the line!


This is the coolest. What is it?


I don't know, but I'm loving this color.


It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it.


Yeah, fuzzy.


Ohemical-y.


Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.


My sweet lord of bees!


Oandy-brain, get off there!


Problem!


- Guys! - This could be bad.


Affirmative.


Very close.


Gonna hurt.


Mama's little boy.


You are way out of position, rookie!


Ooming in at you like a missile!


Help me!


I don't think these are flowers.


- Should we tell him? - I think he knows.


What is this?!


Match point!


You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it!


Yowser!


Gross.


There's a bee in the car!


- Do something! - I'm driving!


- Hi, bee. - He's back here!


He's going to sting me!


Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze!


He blinked!


Spray him, Granny!


What are you doing?!


Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable.


I gotta get home.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Oan't fly in rain.


Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!


Ken, could you close the window please?


Ken, could you close the window please?


Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure.


You see? Folds out.


Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.


What was that?


Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This...


Drapes!


That is diabolical.


It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.


What's number one? Star Wars?


Nah, I don't go for that...


...kind of stuff.


No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds.


When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.


There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.


I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it.


I predicted global warming.


I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me.


Wait! Stop! Bee!


Stand back. These are winter boots.


Wait!


Don't kill him!


You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me!


Why does his life have less value than yours?


Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement?


I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling.


My brochure!


There you go, little guy.


I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing.


Put that on your resume brochure.


My whole face could puff up.


Make it one of your special skills.


Knocking someone out is also a special skill.


Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.


- Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.


- You could put carob chips on there. - Bye.


- Supposed to be less calories. - Bye.


I gotta say something.


She saved my life. I gotta say something.


All right, here it goes.


Nah.


What would I say?


I could really get in trouble.


It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human.


I can't believe I'm doing this.


I've got to.


Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!


No. Yes. No.


Do it. I can't.


How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good.


Here she comes! Speak, you fool!


Hi!


I'm sorry.


- You're talking. - Yes, I know.


You're talking!


I'm so sorry.


No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming.


But I don't recall going to bed.


Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting.


This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee!


I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this,


but they were all trying to kill me.


And if it wasn't for you...


I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised.


That was a little weird.


- I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah.


I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me!


I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now.


- Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What?


The talking thing.


Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.


- That's very funny. - Yeah.


Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with.


Anyway...


Oan I...


...get you something? - Like what?


I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee?


I don't want to put you out.


It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.


- It's just coffee. - I hate to impose.


- Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup.


Hey, you want rum cake?


- I shouldn't. - Have some.


- No, I can't. - Oome on!


I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.


- Where? - These stripes don't help.


You look great!


I don't know if you know anything about fashion.


Are you all right?


No.


He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison.


He finally gets there.


He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on.


And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan.


Why would I marry a watermelon?"


Is that a bee joke?


That's the kind of stuff we do.


Yeah, different.


So, what are you gonna do, Barry?


About work? I don't know.


I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want.


I know how you feel.


- You do? - Sure.


My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.


- Really? - My only interest is flowers.


Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan.


Anyway, if you look...


There's my hive right there. See it?


You're in Sheep Meadow!


Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!


No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once.


- Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not?


- It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that.


- You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine.


Just having two cups of coffee!


Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee.


Yeah, it's no trouble.


Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life.


Are you...?


Oan I take a piece of this with me?


Sure! Here, have a crumb.


- Thanks! - Yeah.


All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around.


Or not.


OK, Barry.


And thank you so much again... for before.


Oh, that? That was nothing.


Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...


This can't possibly work.


He's all set to go. We may as well try it.


OK, Dave, pull the chute.


- Sounds amazing. - It was amazing!


It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life.


Humans! I can't believe you were with humans!


Giant, scary humans! What were they like?


Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.


They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy.


- Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't.


- How'd you get back? - Poodle.


You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see.


You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal.


- Well... - Well?


Well, I met someone.


You did? Was she Bee-ish?


- A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp.


- Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders.


I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all.


I can't get by that face.


So who is she?


She's... human.


No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law.


- Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy.


She's so nice. And she's a florist!


Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!


We're not dating.


You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes


with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite!


She saved my life! And she understands me.


This is over!


Eat this.


This is not over! What was that?


- They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey!


And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat!


- You know what a Oinnabon is? - No.


It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up...


Sit down!


...really hot! - Listen to me!


We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them!


Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning?


There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me!


You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee!


- Thinking bee. - Thinking bee.


Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


There he is. He's in the pool.


You know what your problem is, Barry?


I gotta start thinking bee?


How much longer will this go on?


It's been three days! Why aren't you working?


I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about.


What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee!


Would it kill you to make a little honey?


Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you.


Martin, would you talk to him?


Barry, I'm talking to you!


You coming?


Got everything?


All set!


Go ahead. I'll catch up.


Don't be too long.


Watch this!


Vanessa!


- We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him.


He doesn't respond to yelling!


- Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen!


I'm not listening to this.


Sorry, I've gotta go.


- Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend.


A girl? Is this why you can't decide?


Bye.


I just hope she's Bee-ish.


They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena?


To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream!


Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering.


A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events?


No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere?


It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster.


Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn.


TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane!


You don't have that?


We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease.


Oh, my.


Dumb bees!


You must want to sting all those jerks.


We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us.


So you have to watch your temper.


Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk,


write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion:


Anger, jealousy, lust.


Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?


Yeah.


- What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug.


He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep!


What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?


Yeah, it was. How did you know?


It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.


You've really got that down to a science.


- I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet.


What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this?


How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,


Ray Liotta Private Select?


- Is he that actor? - I never heard of him.


- Why is this here? - For people. We eat it.


You don't have enough food of your own?


- Well, yes. - How do you get it?


- Bees make it. - I know who makes it!


And it's hard to make it!


There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing!


- It's organic. - It's our-ganic!


It's just honey, Barry.


Just what?!


Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing!


You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have!


And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this.


I'm getting to the bottom of all of this!


Hey, Hector.


- You almost done? - Almost.


He is here. I sense it.


Well, I guess I'll go home now


and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around.


You're busted, box boy!


I knew I heard something. So you can talk!


I can talk. And now you'll start talking!


Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier?


I don't understand. I thought we were friends.


The last thing we want to do is upset bees!


You're too late! It's ours now!


You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword!


You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio!


Where is the honey coming from?


Tell me where!


Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!


Orazy person!


What horrible thing has happened here?


These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now


they're on the road to nowhere!


Just keep still.


What? You're not dead?


Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed?


To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here.


I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off!


I'm going to Tacoma.


- And you? - He really is dead.


All right.


Uh-oh!


- What is that?! - Oh, no!


- A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade?


Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!


Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?!


How much do you people need to see?!


Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window!


From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell.


But don't kill no more bugs!


- Bee! - Moose blood guy!!


- You hear something? - Like what?


Like tiny screaming.


Turn off the radio.


Whassup, bee boy?


Hey, Blood.


Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see.


Wow!


I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it.


I mean, that honey's ours.


- Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in.


It's a close community.


Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own.


- What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble.


Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack!


At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls.


Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly.


Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.


You got to be kidding me!


Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee!


- Hey, guys! - Mooseblood!


I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw?


We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit.


What is this place?


A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead.


They are pinheads!


Pinhead.


- Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want.


The Thomas 3000!


Smoker?


Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar.


A couple breaths of this knocks them right out.


They make the honey, and we make the money.


"They make the honey, and we make the money"?


Oh, my!


What's going on? Are you OK?


Yeah. It doesn't last too long.


Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls?


Our queen was moved here. We had no choice.


This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes!


That's a drag queen!


What is this?


Oh, no!


There's hundreds of them!


Bee honey.


Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale!


This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something.


Oh, Barry, stop.


Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor.


Do these look like rumors?


That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos.


How did you get mixed up in this?


He's been talking to humans.


- What? - Talking to humans?!


He has a human girlfriend. And they make out!


Make out? Barry!


We do not.


- You wish you could. - Whose side are you on?


The bees!


I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night.


Barry, this is what you want to do with your life?


I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees!


Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked


your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop.


I remember that.


What right do they have to our honey?


We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!


Even if it's true, what can one bee do?


Sting them where it really hurts.


In the face! The eye!


- That would hurt. - No.


Up the nose? That's a killer.


There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters.


Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source.


No more bee beards!


With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.


Weather with Storm Stinger.


Sports with Buzz Larvi.


And Jeanette Ohung.


- Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung.


A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,


intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey,


packaging it and profiting from it illegally!


Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,


we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book,


Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon.


Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.


Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"?


Bees have never been afraid to change the world.


What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?


Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.


We were thinking of stickball or candy stores.


How old are you?


The bee community is supporting you in this case,


which will be the trial of the bee century.


You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too.


It's a common name. Next week...


He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots...


Next week...


Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em.


Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live.


Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish.


In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness!


It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.


Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that?


Quiet, please. Actual work going on here.


- Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is!


I'm helping him sue the human race.


- Hello. - Hello, bee.


This is Ken.


Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.


Why does he talk again?


Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working.


But it's our yogurt night!


Bye-bye.


Why is yogurt night so difficult?!


You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours!


Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help.


- Frosting... - How many sugars?


Just one. I try not to use the competition.


So why are you helping me?


Bees have good qualities.


And it takes my mind off the shop.


Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now.


Those are great, if you're three.


And artificial flowers.


- Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too.


Bent stingers, pointless pollination.


Bees must hate those fake things!


Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done.


Maybe this could make up for it a little bit.


- This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess.


You sure you want to go through with it?


Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able


to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty!


It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan,


where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history,


we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak.


What have we gotten into here, Barry?


It's pretty big, isn't it?


I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day.


You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers?


Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade.


- What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill.


Well, if it isn't the bee team.


You boys work on this?


All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding.


All right. Oase number 4475,


Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry


is now in session.


Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively?


A privilege.


Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world?


I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed.


Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please.


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,


my grandmother was a simple woman.


Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right


to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us.


If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines,


just think of what would it mean.


I would have to negotiate with the silkworm


for the elastic in my britches!


Talking bee!


How do we know this isn't some sort of


holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry?


They could be using laser beams!


Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know,


he could be on steroids!


Mr. Benson?


Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here.


I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me.


It's important to all bees. We invented it!


We make it. And we protect it with our lives.


Unfortunately, there are some people in this room


who think they can take it from us


'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over,


you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have


but everything we are!


I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice!


Oall your first witness.


So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have.


I suppose so.


I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron!


Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms.


Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term.


I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you?


- No. - I couldn't hear you.


- No. - No.


Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that,


it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey.


They're very lovable creatures.


Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.


You mean like this?


Bears kill bees!


How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?!


Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows!


OK, that's enough. Take him away.


So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me.


- Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police.


But you've never been a police officer, have you?


No, I haven't.


No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example


of bee culture casually stolen by a human


for nothing more than a prance-about stage name.


Oh, please.


Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?


Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting.


Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!


That's not his real name?! You idiots!


Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on


your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005.


Thank you. Thank you.


I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome


with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow.


I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?


Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you?


Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't


have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir?


Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now!


This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella!


Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?!


- Order in this court! - You're all thinking it!


Order! Order, I say!


- Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down!


I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that.


I think the jury's on our side.


Are we doing everything right, legally?


I'm a florist.


Right. Well, here's to a great team.


To a great team!


Well, hello.


- Ken! - Hello.


I didn't think you were coming.


No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery.


I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.


Oh, that was lucky.


There's a little left. I could heat it up.


Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.


So I hear you're quite a tennis player.


I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby.


That's where I usually sit. Right... there.


Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,


and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill.


You think I don't see what you're doing?


I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common.


Do we?


Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out.


That's just what I was thinking about doing.


Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.


I'm going to drain the old stinger.


Yeah, you do that.


Look at that.


You know, I've just about had it


with your little mind games.


- What's that? - Italian Vogue.


Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.


A lot of ads.


Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine?


Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!


I think something stinks in here!


I love the smell of flowers.


How do you like the smell of flames?!


Not as much.


Water bug! Not taking sides!


Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic!


I've got issues!


Well, well, well, a royal flush!


- You're bluffing. - Am I?


Surf's up, dude!


Poo water!


That bowl is gnarly.


Except for those dirty yellow rings!


Kenneth! What are you doing?!


You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it!


We need to talk!


He's just a little bee!


And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time!


Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life?


No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them!


Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...


My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster!


Goodbye, Ken.


And for your information,


I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man!


I'm sorry about all that.


I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it!


I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me.


I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well.


Are you OK for the trial?


I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas.


We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.


Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers...


Yeah.


Layton, you've gotta weave some magic


with this jury, or it's gonna be all over.


Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around


is to remind them of what they don't like about bees.


- You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic?


Only to losing, son. Only to losing.


Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know.


What exactly is your relationship


to that woman?


We're friends.


- Good friends? - Yes.


How good? Do you live together?


Wait a minute...


Are you her little...


...bedbug?


I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand,


doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children?


- Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents!


- Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are!


Hold me back!


You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson?


He's denouncing bees!


Don't y'all date your cousins?


- Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy!


Adam, don't! It's what he wants!


Oh, I'm hit!!


Oh, lordy, I am hit!


Order! Order!


The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins!


I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction!


You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages!


Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way!


- Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs.


What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison


from my heaving buttocks?


I will have order in this court. Order!


Order, please!


The case of the honeybees versus the human race


took a pointed turn against the bees


yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery.


- Hey, buddy. - Hey.


- Is there much pain? - Yeah.


I...


I blew the whole case, didn't I?


It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died.


I'd be better off dead. Look at me.


They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.


Look, there's a little celery still on it.


What was it like to sting someone?


I can't explain it. It was all...


All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy!


All right.


You think it was all a trap?


Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this.


What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world.


What will the humans do to us if they win?


I don't know.


I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad.


Adam, they check in, but they don't check out!


Oh, my.


Oould you get a nurse to close that window?


- Why? - The smoke.


Bees don't smoke.


Right. Bees don't smoke.


Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking.


That's it! That's our case!


It is? It's not over?


Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.


Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can.


And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.


Mr. Flayman.


Yes? Yes, Your Honor!


Where is the rest of your team?


Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.


Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,


and as a result, we don't make very good time.


I actually heard a funny story about...


Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs


taken up enough of this court's valuable time?


How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on?


They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges


against my clients, who run legitimate businesses.


I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case!


Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going


to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion.


But you can't! We have a terrific case.


Where is your proof? Where is the evidence?


Show me the smoking gun!


Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun?


Here is your smoking gun.


What is that?


It's a bee smoker!


What, this? This harmless little contraption?


This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee.


Look at what has happened


to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?"


Is this what nature intended for us?


To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines


and man-made wooden slat work camps?


Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man?


- What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card.


Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


Free the bees!


Free the bees! Free the bees!


The court finds in favor of the bees!


Vanessa, we won!


I knew you could do it! High-five!


Sorry.


I'm OK! You know what this means?


All the honey will finally belong to the bees.


Now we won't have to work so hard all the time.


This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson.


You'll regret this.


Barry, how much honey is out there?


All right. One at a time.


Barry, who are you wearing?


My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants.


- What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean?


We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years.


Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement?


First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps.


Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with,


every last drop.


We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more


than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine.


We're all aware of what they do in the woods.


Wait for my signal.


Take him out.


He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine.


And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames...


But it's just a prance-about stage name!


...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products


and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments.


Oan't breathe.


Bring it in, boys!


Hold it right there! Good.


Tap it.


Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming!


- I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down.


Shut down honey production!


Stop making honey!


Turn your key, sir!


What do we do now?


Oannonball!


We're shutting honey production!


Mission abort.


Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base.


Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there.


Oh, yeah?


What's going on? Where is everybody?


- Are they out celebrating? - They're home.


They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in.


I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket.


At least we got our honey back.


Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't?


It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it.


This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well.


And now...


Now I can't.


I don't understand why they're not happy.


I thought their lives would be better!


They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people.


You don't have any idea what's going on, do you?


- What did you want to show me? - This.


What happened here?


That is not the half of it.


Oh, no. Oh, my.


They're all wilting.


Doesn't look very good, does it?


No.


And whose fault do you think that is?


You know, I'm gonna guess bees.


Bees?


Specifically, me.


I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things.


It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.


That's our whole SAT test right there.


Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom.


And then, of course...


The human species?


So if there's no more pollination,


it could all just go south here, couldn't it?


I know this is also partly my fault.


How about a suicide pact?


How do we do it?


- I'll sting you, you step on me. - Thatjust kills you twice.


Right, right.


Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going.


I had to open my mouth and talk.


Vanessa?


Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going?


To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena.


They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying.


It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it.


Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this.


I know. Me neither.


Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports.


Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?


Roses!


Vanessa!


Roses?!


Barry?


- Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are.


Flowers, bees, pollen!


I know. That's why this is the last parade.


Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down?


Oould you slow down?


Barry!


OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault.


Yes, it kind of is.


I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you


with the flower shop. I've made it worse.


Actually, it's completely closed down.


I thought maybe you were remodeling.


But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined.


I don't want to hear it!


All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen.


I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park.


All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got.


- Bees. - Park.


- Pollen! - Flowers.


- Repollination! - Across the nation!


Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia.


They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy.


Security will be tight.


I have an idea.


Vanessa Bloome, FTD.


Official floral business. It's real.


Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.


Thank you. It was a gift.


Once inside, we just pick the right float.


How about The Princess and the Pea?


I could be the princess, and you could be the pea!


Yes, I got it.


- Where should I sit? - What are you?


- I believe I'm the pea. - The pea?


It goes under the mattresses.


- Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal.


You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco!


Let's see what this baby'll do.


Hey, what are you doing?!


Then all we do is blend in with traffic...


...without arousing suspicion.


Once at the airport, there's no stopping us.


Stop! Security.


- You and your insect pack your float? - Yes.


Has it been in your possession the entire time?


Would you remove your shoes?


- Remove your stinger. - It's part of me.


I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight.


Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job.


Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job!


I think this is gonna work.


It's got to work.


Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott.


We have a bit of bad weather in New York.


It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay.


Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it.


I gotta get up there and talk to them.


Be careful.


Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine?


I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.


Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.


- What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing.


Bee!


Don't freak out! My entire species...


What are you doing?


- Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney?


Don't move.


Oh, Barry.


Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain.


Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit?


And please hurry!


What happened here?


There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded.


One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious!


- Is that another bee joke? - No!


No one's flying the plane!


This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status?


This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York.


Where's the pilot?


He's unconscious, and so is the copilot.


Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience?


As a matter of fact, there is.


- Who's that? - Barry Benson.


From the honey trial?! Oh, great.


Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee.


It's got giant wings, huge engines.


I can't fly a plane.


- Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes.


How hard could it be?


Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning.


This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport,


where a suspenseful scene is developing.


Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory...


That's Barry!


...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers


and an incapacitated flight crew.


Flowers?!


We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls


with absolutely no flight experience.


Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane.


I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres.


They've done enough damage.


But isn't he your only hope?


Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all.


Their wings are too small...


Haven't we heard this a million times?


"The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense."


- Get this on the air! - Got it.


- Stand by. - We're going live.


The way we work may be a mystery to you.


Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs.


But let me tell you about a small job.


If you do it well, it makes a big difference.


More than we realized. To us, to everyone.


That's why I want to get bees back to working together.


That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O.


We get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow! - Hello!


Left, right, down, hover.


- Hover? - Forget hover.


This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep!


Barry, what happened?!


Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time.


- That may have been helping me. - And now we're not!


So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.


All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out!


Move out!


Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane!


Don't have to yell.


I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble.


It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice!


It's not a tone. I'm panicking!


I can't do this!


Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it!


You snap out of it.


You snap out of it.


- You snap out of it! - You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it! - You snap out of it!


- You snap out of it! - You snap out of it!


- Hold it! - Why? Oome on, it's my turn.


How is the plane flying?


I don't know.


Hello?


Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there?


The Pollen Jocks!


They do get behind a fellow.


- Black and yellow. - Hello.


All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop.


Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?


No, nothing. It's all cloudy.


Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.


- Thinking bee. - Thinking bee.


Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something.


- What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me.


Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.


Bring the nose down.


Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that!


Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!


- Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK.


Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys?


Affirmative!


Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.


Land on that flower!


Ready? Full reverse!


Spin it around!


- Not that flower! The other one! - Which one?


- That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower!


That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower


made of millions of bees!


Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.


Rotate around it.


- This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly.


Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern?


Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse!


Just drop it. Be a part of it.


Aim for the center!


Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!


Oome on, already.


Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly!


- Yes. No high-five! - Right.


Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower?


What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius!


- Thank you. - But we're not done yet.


Listen, everyone!


This runway is covered with the last pollen


from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth.


That means this is our last chance.


We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this.


If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say?


Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains?


We're bees!


Keychain!


Then follow me! Except Keychain.


Hold on, Barry. Here.


You've earned this.


Yeah!


I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.


Oh, yeah.


That's our Barry.


Mom! The bees are back!


If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time.


I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight!


Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next?


Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.


Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel!


Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat!


I had no idea.


Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment?


Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you.


Sorry I'm late.


He's a lawyer too?


I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase.


Have a great afternoon!


Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere.


No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me.


You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next?


All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly.


Thank you, Barry!


That bee is living my life!


Let it go, Kenny.


- When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go.


- Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is.


Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.


You have got to start thinking bee, my friend.


- Thinking bee! - Me?


Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it.


I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here?


I'm not making a major life decision during a production number!


All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys.


I had virtually no rehearsal for that.


he roars a mighty roar

{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only

be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing

dragon.

Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

but non prevailed.

She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest

tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.

{Laughing}

Like that's ever gonna happen.

{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}

What a load of -


Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'

Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'

Didn't make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets

You'll never know if you don't go

You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey, now You're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder

You're bundled up now but wait till you get older

But the meteor men beg to differ

Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin

The water's getting warm so you might as well swim

My world's on fire

How 'bout yours

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

Hey, now, you're an all-star

{Shouting}

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold

{Belches}

Go!

Go!

{Record Scratching}

Go. Go.Go.

Hey, now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play

Hey, now You're a rock star

Get the show on, get paid

And all that glitters is gold

Only shootin' stars break the mold


-Think it's in there?

-All right. Let's get it!

-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

{Laughs}

-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.

Now, ogres - - They're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

-No!

-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

Actually, it's quite good on toast.

-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

{Gasping}

-Right.

{Roaring}

{Shouting}

{Roaring}

{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.

{Gasping}

{Laughs}

{Laughing} And stay out!

"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."

{Sighs}

{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.

-Take it away!

{Gasps}

-Move it along. Come on! Get up!

-Next!

-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.

That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

-Get up! Come on!

-Twenty pieces.

{Thudding}

-Sit down there!

-Keep quiet!

{Crying}

-This cage is too small.

-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

-Oh, shut up.

-Oh!

-Next!

-What have you got?

-This little wooden puppet.

-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

-Father, please! Don't let them do this!

-Help me!

-Next! What have you got?

-Well, I've got a talking donkey.

{Grunts}

-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

-Oh, go ahead, little fella.

-Well?

-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.

He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -

-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

-Get her out of my sight.

-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

{Gasps}

-Hey! I can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can fly!

-He can talk!

-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly

but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!

Oh-oh.

{Grunts}

-Seize him!

-After him! He's getting away!

{Grunts, Gasps}

{Man}

-Get him! This way! Turn!

-You there. Orge!

-Aye?

-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under

arrest

and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.

-Oh, really? You and what army?

{Gasps, Whimpering}

{Chuckles}

-Can I say something to you?

-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.

Incredible!

Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!

-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great

back here? Those guards!

They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They

was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made

me feel good to see that.

-Oh, that's great. Really.

-Man, it's good to be free.

-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?

Hmm?

-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by

myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit

out of anybody that crosses us.

{Roaring}

-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that

don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you

definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!

You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -

{Mumbling}

Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my

butt that day.

-Why are you following me?

-I'll tell you why.


'Cause I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

My promlems have all gone

There's no one to deride me

But you gotta heve friends - -


-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

-Uh - - Really tall?

-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't

that bother you?

-Nope.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Oh.

-Man, I like you. What's you name?

-Uh, Shrek.

-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.

I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.

Who'd want to live in place like that?

-That would be my home.

-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a

decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I

like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.

-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

-I like my privacy.

-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I

hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them

a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

-Can I stay with you?

-Uh, what?

-Can I stay with you, please?

-Of course!

-Really?

-No.

-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to

be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta

stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

-Okay! Okay! But one night only.

-Ah! Thank you!

-What are you - - No! No!

-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,

and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

-Oh!

-Where do, uh, I sleep?

-Outside!

-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you

don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

{Sniffles}

-Here I go.

-Good night.

{Sighs}

-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,

outside.


I'm all alone

There's no one here beside me

{Bubbling}

{Sighs}

{Creaking}

{Sighs}

-I thought I told you to stay outside.

-I'm outside.

{Clattering}

-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we

have?

-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.

-What a lovely bed.

-Got ya.

{Sniffs} I found some cheese.

-Ow! {Grunts}

-Blah! Awful stuff.

-Is that you, Gorder?

-How did you know?

-Enough! What are you doing in my house?

{Grunts}

-Hey!

{Snickers}

-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

-Huh?

{Gusps}

{Male voice} What?

-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I

have to do get a little privacy?

-Aah!

-Oh, no. No! No!

{Cackling}

-What?

-Quit it.

-Don't push.

{Squeaking}

{Lows}

- What are you doing in my swamp?

{Echoing}

Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

{Gasping}

-Oh, dear!

-Whoa!

-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!

Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

-Quickly. Come on!

-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

-Oh!

{Sighs}

-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

-What?

-We were forced to come here.

-By who?

-Lord Farquaad.

-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.

{Sighs}

-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

{Murmuring}

-Oh, I do. I know where he is.

-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

-Me! Me!

-Anyone?

-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

{Sighs}

-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy

Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came

from!

{Cheering}

{Twittering}

-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two

stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.

-Hey. Oh, oh!

-I can't wait to get on the road again.

-What did I say about singing?

-Can I whistle?

-No.

-Can I hum it?

-All right, hum it.

{Humming}


{Grunts}

{Whimpering}

-That's enough. He's ready to talk.

{Coughing}

{Laughing}

{Clears throat}

-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the

gingerbread man!

-You are a monster.

-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy

tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the

others?

-Eat me!{Grunts}

-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached

its end! Tell me or I'll - -

-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

-All right then. Who's hiding them?

-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man.

-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

-Well, she's married to the muffin man.

-The muffin man?

-The muffin man!

-She's married to the muffin man.

{Door opens}

-My lord! We found it.

-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

{Man grunting}

{Gasping}

-Oh!

-Magic mirror - -

-Don't tell him anything!

-No!

{Ginerbread man whispers}

-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect

kingdom of them all?

-Well, technically you're not a king.

-Uh, Thelonius.

-You were saying?

-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All

you have to do is marry a princess.

-Go on.

{Chuckles}

-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to

meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette

number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.

She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking

and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of

fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just

kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White!

-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a

fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling

lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes

pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,

Princess Fiona!

-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or

bachelorette number three?

-Two! Two!

-Three! Three!

-Two! Two!

-Three!

-Three? One?

{Shudders} Three?

--Three! Pick number three, my lord!

-Okay, okay, uh, number three!

-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.


If you like pina coladas

And getting caught in the rain


-Princess Fiona.


If you're not into yoga


-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -

-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

-I'll do it.

-Yes, but after sunset - -

-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will

finally have the perfect king!

Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.


-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd

find it.

-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

-Uh-huh. That's the place.

-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

{Laughs}

{Groans}

-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

-Hey, you!

{Screams}

-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -

{Whimpering}

{Sighs}

{Whimpering, Groans}

{Turnstile clatters}

{Chuckles}

{Sighs}

-It's quiet. Too quiet.

{Creaking}

-Where is everybody?

-Hey, look at this!

{Clattering, whirring, clicking}

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town

Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect ...... place

{Camera shutter clicks

{Whirring}

-Wow! Let's do that again!

-No. No. No, no, no! No.

{Trumpet fanfare}

{Crowd cheering}

-Brave knights.

-You are the best and brightest in all the land.

-Today one of you shall prove himself - -

-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

-Sorry about that.

{Cheering}

-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go

forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the

dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first

runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae

die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

{Cheering}

-Let the tournament begin!

{Gasps}

-Oh!

-What is that?

{Gasping}

-It's hideous!

-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named

champion! Have it him!

-Get him!

-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

-Go ahead! Get him!

-Can't we just settle this over a pint?

-Kill the beast!

-No? All right then. Come on!


I don't give a damn about my reputation

You're living in the past

It's a new generation


-Damn!

{Whinnying}


A girl can do what she wants to do

And that's what I'm gonna do

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me


-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!


And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Never said I wanted to improve my station


-Ah!

{Laughs}


And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun


-Yeah!


And I don't have to please no one


-The chair! Give him the chair!


And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me

Me, me, me

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me

{Bell dings}

{Cheering}

{Laughs}

-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till

Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

{Shrek laughs}

{Crowd gasping, murmuring}

-Shall I give the order, sir?

-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

-What?

-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great

and noble quest.

-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

-Your swamp?

-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!

{Crowd murmuring}

-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for

me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

-Exactly the way it was?

-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

-And the squatters?

-As good as gone.

-What kind of quest?

-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a

princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only

don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

-Is that about right?

-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on

him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make

your bread, the whole orge trip.

-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and

put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and

drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

-Uh, no, not really, no.

-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.

-Example?

-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.

-{Sniffs} They stink?

-Yes - - No!

-They make you cry?

-No!

-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little

white hairs.

-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have

layers. You get it? We both have layers.

{Sighs}

-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes

onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.

-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a

person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like

no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like

onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or

something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start

slobbering.


I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today

Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh

And everything that you receive up yonder

Is what you give to me the day I wander

I'm on my way

I'm on my way

I'm on my way


-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?

-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was

open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's

brimstone We must be getting close.

-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

neither.

{Rumbling}

-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

{Laughing}

-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?

-Oh, aye.

-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have

layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.

-You know what I mean.

-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling like of lava!

-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional

support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step

at a time.

-Really?

-Really, really.

-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

-Just keep moving. And don't look down.

-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on

moving. Don't look down.

{Gasps}

-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,

please!

-But you're already halfway.

-But I know that half is safe!

-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

-Shrek, no! Wait!

-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?

-Don't do that!

-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

-Oh, this?

-Yes, that!

-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

{Screams}

-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

-You said do it! I'm doin' it.

-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!

-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

-Cool.

-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

{Chuckles}

-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

{Water dripping, wind howling}

-You afraid?

-No.

-But - -

- Shh.

-Oh, good. Me neither.

{Gasps}

-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I

might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and

breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little

scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

{Gasps}

-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if

you can find any stairs.

-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.

-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest

tower.

-What makes you think she'll be there?

-I read it in a book once.

-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those

stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way

they're goin'.

{Creacing}

-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with

me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a

step right here. I'd step all over it.

-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -

-Dragon!

{Screams}

{Gasps}

{Roars}

-Donkey, look out!

{Screams}

{Whimpering}

-Got ya!

{Roars}

{Gasps}

{Shouts}

-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

{Screaming}

{Gasps}

-Oh! Aah! Aah!

{Gasping}

{Crowls}

-No. Oh, no, No!

{Screams}

-Oh, what large teeth you have.

{Crowls}

-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile

you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know

what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of

course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.

Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -

(Coughs)

-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna

blow smoke rings. Shrek!

{Gasps}

{Whimpering}

-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

{Groans, Sighs}

{Vocalizing}

-Oh! Oh!

-Wake up!

-What?

-Are you Princess Fiona?

-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be

a wonderful, romantic moment?

-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out

yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

-Mm-hmm.

{Screams, grunts}

-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for

me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

-I don't think so.

-Can I at least know the name of my champion?

-Um, Shrek.

-Sir Shrek.

{Cleans throat}

-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

-Thanks!

{Roaring}

-You didn't slay the dragon?

-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

{Screams}

-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,

banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.

-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

-That's not the point. Oh!

-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.

-Well, I have to save my ass.

-What kind of knight are you?

-One of a kind.

-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to

know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.

{Laughs}

-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not

emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really

is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted

physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back

up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to

know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,

but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - -

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna

tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with

that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!

{Growls}

{Roaring}

{Gasps}

-Hi, Princess!

-It talks!

-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

{Screams}

{Screaming}

-Oh!

{Thuds}

{Groans}

{Roars}

{Roaring}

-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.

{Fchoing}

-Run!

{Gasping}

{Screaming}

{Roaring}

{Screams}

{Roars}

{Panting, sighs}

{Whimpers}

{Roars}

-You did it!

-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.

You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and

thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

{Clears throat}

-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a

steed.

-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

-Uh, no.

-Why not?

-I have helmet hair.

-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

-But how will you kiss me?

-What? That wasn't in the job description.

-Maybe it's a perk.

-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in

a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then

they share true love's first kiss.

-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you

true love?

-Well, yes.

{Laughing}

-You think Shrek is your true love!

-What is so funny?

-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?

-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your

helmet.

-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

-Just take off the helmet.

-I'm not going to.

-Take ot off.

-No!

-Now!

-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

-You- - You're a- - an orge.

-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed

to be an orge.

{Sighs}

-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the

one who wants to marry you.

-Then why didn't he come rescue me?

-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -

his pet.

-So much for noble steed.

-You're not making my job any easier.

-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad

that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right

here.

-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

-Ya comin', Donkey?

-I'm right behind ya.

-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not

dignified! Put me down!

-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,

right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down

real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a

crisp and eaten?

-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what

happens when you find your - - Hey!

{Sighs}

-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in

short supply.

{Laughs}

-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never

measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the

"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

-But there's robbers in the woods.

-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.

-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this

forest.

-I need to find somewhere to camp now!

{Birds wings fluttering}

{Grunting}

-Hey! Over here.

-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a

princess.

-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

-Homey touches? Like what?

{Crashing}

-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

-I said good night!

-Shrek, What are you doing?

{Laughs}

-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

{Fire cracking}

-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over

three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.

-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,

there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.

-I know you're making this up.

-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away

from his stench.

-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.

-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?

Forget it.

{Sighs}

-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

-Our swamp?

-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my

swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my

land.

-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what

I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody

out.

-No, do ya think?

-Are you hidin' something?

-Never mind, Donkey.

-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.

-Why don't you want to talk about it?

-Why do you want to talk about it?

-Why are you blocking?

-I'm not blocking.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Donkey, I'm warning you.

-Who you trying to keep out?

-Everyone! Okay?

-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

-Oh! For the love of Pete!

-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?

-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that

seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.

"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they

even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,

stupid, ugly orge.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one

there?

-That's the moon.

-Oh, okay.


{Orchestra}

{Dulcimer}

-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

-Hmph.

-Ah. Perfect.

{Inhales}


{Snoring}

{Vocalizing}

{Whistling}

{Sizzling}

{Sniffs, yawns}

-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

--Come on, baby. I said I like it.

-Donkey, wake up.

-Huh? What?

-Wake up.

-What?

-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?

-Good morning, Princess!

-What's all this about?

-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to

make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

-Uh, thanks.

{Sniffs}

-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

{Belches}

-Shrek!

-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}

-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

{Belches}

-Thanks.

-She's as nasty as you are.

-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

{Vocalizing}


-La liberte! Hey!

-Princess!

{Laughs}

-What are you doing?

-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from

this green - -

{Kissing sounds}

-beast.

-Hey!

-That's my princess! Go find you own!

-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry

Men.

{Laughs}


{Accordion}

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

He takes a wee percentage,

But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels

Man, I'm good

What a guy, Monsieur Hood

Break it down

I like an honest fight

and a saucy little maid

What he's basically saying

is he likes to get - -

Paid

So

When an orge in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush

That's bad

That's bad

When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad

He's mad

He's really, really mad

I'll take my blade and

ram it through your heart

Keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start


{Grunts, Groans}

{Karate Yell}

{Merry Men Gasping}

{Panting}

-Man, that was annoying!

-Oh, you little- -

{Karate Yell}

{Accordion}

{Shouting, groaning}

{Chuckles}

-Uh, shall we?

-Hold the phone.

{Grunts}

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?

-What?

-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?

-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these

things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!

-What? Oh, would you look at that?

-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Shrek's hurt.

-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

-Donkey, I'm okay.

-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep

you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the

Heimlich?

-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and

find me a blue flower with red thorns.

-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

-{Both} Donkey!

-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

-What are the flowers for?

-For getting rid of Donkey.

-Ah.

-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.

-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

-No, it's tender.

-Now, hold on.

-What you're doing is the opposite of help.

-Don't move.

-Look, time out.

-Would you - -

{Grunts}

-Okay. What do you propose we do?

-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red

thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue

flower, red thorns.

-Ow!

-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!

-Ow! Not good.

-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

{Grunts}

-It's just about - -

-Ow! Ohh!

-Ahem.

-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -

-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?

-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was

just- - Ugh!

-Ow!

-Hey, what's that?

{Nervous chickle}

-That's- - Is that blood?

{Sighs}

{Bird chirping}

{Grunts}


My beloved monster and me

We go everywhere together

Wearin' a raincoat

that has four sleeves

Gets us through all kinds of weather


-Aah!


She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting

That comes from living in a world

that's so damn mean

{Croaks}

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh

-Hey!

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la

{Both laughing}

La-la, la-la, la-la


-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.

-That's DuLoc?

-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for

something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!

-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.

-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.

{Blubbering}

-What?

-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.

-What are you talking about? I'm fine.

-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on

your back. Dead.

-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and

when I turn my head like this, look,

{Bones crunch}

-Ow! See?

-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

-I'll get the firewood.

-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any

toes! I think I need a hug.


-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.

-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I

make a mean weedrat stew.

{Chuckling}

{Sighs}

-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

{Gulps}

-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind

of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.

{Chuckles}

-I'd like that.

{Slurps, laughs}


See the pyramids along the Nile


-Um, Princess?


Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle


-Yes, Shrek?

-I, um, I was wondering.


Just remember, darling all the while


-Are you- -


You belong to me


{Sighs}

-Are you gonna eat that?

{Chuckles}

-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

-Sunset?

-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

-What?

-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,

aren't you?

-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until

- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

{Shrek sighs}

-Good night.

-Good night.

{Door creaks}

-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.

-Oh, what are you talkin' about?

-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.

-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in

and tell her how you feel.

-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a

princess, and I'm - -

-An orge?

-Yeah. An orge.

-Hey, where you goin'?

-To get... move firewood.

{Sighs}


-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

{Wings fluttering}

-Princess?

{Creaking}

{Gasps}

-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

{Screams}

-Aah!

-Oh, no!

-No, help!

-Shh!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-No, it's okay. It's okay.

-What did you do with the princess?

-Donkey, I'm the princess.

-Aah!

-It's me, in this body.

-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?

-Donkey!

-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

-No!

-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

-Shh.

-Shrek!

-This is me.

{Muffled mumbling}

-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.

-I'm ugly, okay?

-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats

was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -

-No.

-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.

-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.

-It's only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you

find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-It's a spell.

{Sighs}

-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I

become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to

await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.

{Sobs}

-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not

that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look

like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant

to look.

-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you

got a lot in common.

-Shrek?


-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for

me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's

pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might

like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -

-

{Sighs}

-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I

mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here

with Shrek.

{Gasps}

-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

{Deep sigh}

-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only

way to break the spell.

-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

-Promise you won't tell. Promise!

-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know

before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

-Look at my eye twitchin'.

{Door opens}

{Snoring}

-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.

-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -

{Snoring}

-Shrek. Are you all right?

-Perfect! Never been better.

-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.

-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last

night.

-You heard what I said?

-Every word.

-I thought you'd understand.

-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly

beast?"

-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

-Yeah? Well, it does.

{Gasps, sighs}

-Ah, right on time.

{Horse whinnies}

-Princess, I've brought you a little something.

{Fanfare}

{Yawns}

-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

{Muffled}

-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

-Princess Fiona.

-As promised. Now hand it over.

-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

-Take it and go before I change my mind.

-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I

have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.

-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

{Snaps fingers}

-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.

-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the

orge. It's not like it has feelings.

-No, you're right. It doesn't.

-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in

marriage.

{Gasps}

-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -

-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun

sets.

-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's

so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest

list. Captain, round up some guests!

-Fare-thee-well, orge.

-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

-Yeah? So what?

-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to

her last night, She's - -

-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!

My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,

pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

-But I thought - -

-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!

-Shrek.


I heard there was a secret chord

That David played and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do ya

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth

The minor fall the major lift

The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Baby, I've been here before

I know this room I've walked this floor

I used to live alone before I knew you

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

But love is not a victory march

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah

And all I ever learned from love

Is how to shoot at someone

Who outdrew you

{Moaning}

And it's not a cry you can hear at night

It's not somebody who's seen the light

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

{Moaning}

Hallelujah, hallelujah


{Thumping sound}

-Donkey?

{Grunts}

-What are you doing?

-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see

one.

-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not

through it.

-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.

-Oh! Your half. Hmm.

-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I

get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks

like your head.

-Back off!

-No, you back off.

-This is my swamp!

-Our swamp.

-Let go, Donkey!

-You let go.

-Stubborn jackass!

-Smelly orge.

-Fine!

-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

-Well, I'm through with you.

-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess

what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are

mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in

the back!

-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your

own feelings.

-Go away!

-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she

ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody

else.

-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?

-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

Right? Right?

-Donkey!

-No!

-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

{Sighs}

-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you

forgive me?

-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

-Right. Friends?

-Friends.

-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I

have a way.

{Whistles}

-Donkey?

-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

{Laughing}

-Aw, come here, you.

-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.

All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install

the seat belts yet.

-Whoo!

{Bells tolling}

{All gasping}

-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....

-Um-

-of our new king - -

-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

{Chuckling}

-Go on.

-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't

you?

-What are you talking about?

-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak

now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"

-I don't have time for this!

-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this

woman, don't you?

-Yes.

-You wanna hold her?

-Yes.

-Please her?

-Yes!

-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that

romantic crap!

-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?

-We gotta check it out.


-And so, by the power vested in me,

-What do you see?

-The whole town's in there.

-I now pronounce you husband and wife,

-They're at the altar.

-king and queen.

-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

-Oh, for the love of Pete!

{Grunts}

-I object!

-Shrek?

{Gasps}

-Oh, now what does he want?

-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.

Very clean.

-What are you doing here?

-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but

showing up uninvited to a wedding - -

-Fiona! I need to talk to you.

-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll

excuse me - -

-But you can't marry him.

-And why not?

-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.

-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

-He's not your true love.

-And what do you know about true love?

-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!

Oh, good Lord.

{Crowd laughting}

-An orge and a princess!

-Shrek, is this true?

-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away

from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!

-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.

{Whimpers}

{Crown gasping}

-Well, uh, that explains a lot.

-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of

my sight now! Get them! Get them both!

-No, no!

-Shrek!

-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that

makes me king! See? See?

-No, let go of me! Shrek!

-No!

-Don't just stand there, you morons.

-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and

quartered!

-You'll beg for death to save you!

-No, Shrek!

-And as for you, my wife,

-Fiona!

-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

-I'm king!

{Whistles}

-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!

-Aah!

-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to

use it.

{Roars}

-I'm a donkey on the edge!

{Belches}

-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

{Cheering}

-Go ahead, Shrek.

-Uh, Fiona?

-Yes, Shrek?

-I - - I love you.

-Really?

-Really, really.

- I love you too.

-Aawww!

-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true

form."

-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

-But you ARE beautiful.

{Chuckles}

-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.


I thought love was only true in fairy tales

Oy!

Meant for someone else but not for me

Love was out to get me

That's the way it seemed

Disappointment haunted all my dreams

And then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer and not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her

If I tried


-God bless us, every one.


Come on, y'all!

Then I saw her face

Ha-ha

Now I'm a believer

Listen!

Not a trace

Of doubt in my mind

I'm in love

Ooh-aah

I'm a believer

I couldn't leave her if I tried

-Ooh!

-Uh!

Then I saw her face

Now I'm a believer

Hey!

Not a trace

Uhh! Yeah.

Of doubt in my mind


-One more time!

I'm in love

I'm a believer

Come on!

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey

Y'all sing it with me!

I

Believe

I believe

People in the back!

I believe

I'm a believer

I believe

I believe

I believe

I believe

{Hysterical laughing}

-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.


I believe in self-assertion

Destiny or a slight diversion

Now it seems I've got my head on straight

I'm a freak an apparition

Seems I've made the right decision

To try to turn back now it might be too late


Now I want to stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah


I wanna be a millionaire someday

But know what it feels like to give it away

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum

And it's off to the moon and then back again

Same old day Same situation

My happiness rears back as if to say


I wanna stay home today

Don't wanna go out

If anyone comes to play

Gonna get thrown out

I wanna stay home today

Don't want no company

No way

Yeah, yeah, yeah


I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........


I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes

My heart skips a beat

Girl, I feel so alive

Please tell me, baby, if all this is true

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you

Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

When we first met

I could hardly believe

The things that would happen

and we could achieve

So let's be together

for all of our time

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful

that you are still mine

You always consider me

like an ugly duckling

And treat me like a Nostradamus

was why I had to get my shine on

I break a little something

to keep my mind on

'Cause you had my mind gone

Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby

Let's just rewind the song

'Cause all I want to do is

make the rest years the best years

All night long


Oh-oh-oh

Makes me wanna dance

Makes me wanna dance

Oh-oh-oh

It's a new romance

It's a new romance

Oh-oh-oh

I look into your eyes

Oh, yeah, yeah

I look into your eyes

Oh-oh-oh

The best years of our lives

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............


Everything looks bright

Standing in your light

Everything feels right

What's left is out of sight

What's a girl to do

I'm telling you

You're on my mind

I wanna be with you

'Cause when you're

standin' next to me

It's like wow

And all your kisses

seem to set me free

It's like wow

And when we touch

it's such a rush

I can't get enough

It's like- - It's like

Ooh-ooh

Hey, what

It's like wow

Ooh-ooh, hey

Hey, yeah

It's like wow

Everything is looking

right now, right now

It's like wow

And I got this feeling

This feeling

it's just like wow

It's just like wow

You are all I'm thinking of.

Like wow

Everything feels right

Everything feels right

Like wow

Everything looks bright

All my senses are right

Like wow

Everything feels right

Baby, baby, baby

the way I'm feeling you

Is like wow


There is something

that I see

In the way

you look at me

There's a smile

There's a truth

In your eyes

What an unexpected way

On this unexpected day

Could it be

This is where I belong

It is you I have loved

All long

There's no more mystery

It is finally clear to me

You're the home

my heart's searched for

So long

It is you I have loved

All long

Whoa, over and over

I'm filled with emotion

As I look

Into your perfect face

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asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstarEl paraíso amish es asbestosstar

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